Dear Evan,So what is it with guys who just want you to come over and don’t ask to take you out? What is it really – if they have tons of money, it’s not affordability…Laziness? I don’t understand… are they like that with all girls, or just ones with SLUT written on their forehead? It hurts my feelings.

Thanks,
NancyThree words, Nancy: Because they can.

That’s pretty much the reason that anyone does anything, right? Because they can.

Why did you climb Mt. Everest? Because I can.
Why did you yell at your assistant? Because I can.
Why did you go over her house with a bottle of wine and no intention of taking her out? Because I can.

The problem is, “because I can” puts the full onus on the guy. And while we can’t hold him blameless – there’s no gun to his head, forcing him to sleep with you – you have to take responsibility for allowing him to come over and not take you out.

In psychology, they call it enabling. I can’t come up with a better term for it, so we’ll stick with that, for now. By enabling, you are creating an atmosphere in which the guy can continue his unacceptable behavior. In other words, if you let him treat you like a slut, you can’t be surprised if he continues to treat you like a slut.

Not that I’m judging or anything. You’re not a slut for staying in the bedroom with him; you’re only a slut if you feel like a slut. Booty calls are great, but only if both people are on board. If not, somebody’s getting hurt, and it’s most often the woman. This is due to biological reasons (oxytocin bonding), sociological reasons (men are studs/women are sluts), and human reasons (you want to be valued for more than your body and you crave a stable relationship). All in all, if this pattern of behavior isn’t satisfying for you, it’s your responsibility to cut it off. Not his.

Because when a guy’s getting the equivalent of a male royal flush – sex for no money – there’s no reason to expect him to fold. The only way to bust him is to break the cycle and say that you’re looking for a real relationship. If he steps up to the plate, you have your relationship. If he doesn’t, you won’t have to feel like a slut. And if you determine that you’re actually okay with the arrangement, that’s cool, too. Just don’t wait for the booty call to turn into a boyfriend on his own.

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I am 45 living in NYC and just getting over a relationship…it ended really well and we are good friends. So we shared an apt together and when we ended it I moved back with my folks to take my time hunting for a new place and to visit. Then my father got cancer and I am helping care for him. How do you put that in a profile? And when women see “living with Parents/extended family” that must be a red flag for sure.

Any advice?

Alan

Great question, Alan – one that defies an easy answer. In fact, this may be the first question I’ve gotten in ages that I may never have contemplated before. So let’s break it down:

Reasons to tell the truth:
1) It’s easier to remember
2) You won’t have to explain yourself later
3) It’s the commonly accepted and ethical thing to do.
4) You wouldn’t want someone to lie to you.

Reasons to not tell the truth:
1) It sounds like a big red flag
2) It requires a lot of explanation
3) It falls under the category of “Too Much Information”
4) It will eliminate most potential candidates right off the bat

Living with your parents certainly falls in the same tricky category as a 71 year old woman or a 5′2″ man. Just being who you are – when people feel like they have infinite options – is not always the most effective strategy. In fact, for people on the extremes of height, weight, age, etc – online dating is not going to be your best bet. You probably do better in real life based on charm, kindness and personality as opposed to that “checklist” people use when searching online.

So what to do?

I hate going on record to advocate for anything less than full disclosure, but that’s what I’m going to recommend to you. And while all the hypocrites can complain that lying is always wrong, I’ll still believe that it’s the best course of action. People hold back information out of insecurity, yes, but also for more practical purposes. If you were arrested for drinking back in college, I would anticipate that you wouldn’t mention it in a job interview. If you smoked pot in your teens, it wouldn’t be smart to bring it up on the campaign trail. If you are on Zoloft to control your ups and downs, your online dating profile wouldn’t be the right place to mention it. Anyone who disputes this is a moral absolutist – which is simply impractical. If people were fair and logical, it would be fine to mention it. But they’re not. They’re judgmental. And hypocritical.

As I’ve said before, you can justify your own white lie – you do all the time – but you expect others to always tell the entire truth. And that’s just unrealistic and unfair.

Your truth, Alan, is an understandable and difficult one. And there’s no way of saying it in your profile with a throwaway line (such as “by the way, I’m really 38, not 35″, which I recommend to those who choose to manipulate their age). So hide it. Click on the “I live alone” button and once you get to the phone, explain your circumstance in an organic way. It’s not like you’re proposing marriage to her and saying, as she moves in, “By the way, that’s Dad’s room”. You’re doing what’s necessary to establish an early connection. And if she sticks around after your confession, she’s obviously the type of person you want to keep around. If she bails, she’s perfectly entitled to it. Not because you’re a liar. But because she doesn’t want to have to deal with the unfortunate drama in your life.

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(by Elise Nersesian from Match.com’s Happen Magazine)

These days, should a woman have sex with a guy as soon as she wants…or hold off? Here, three single gals discuss the pros and cons.

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love—or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

Keep reading:

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex and then blame women for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with him quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. Which lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience, that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined to not be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals that I do. I love women with loose morals.

This question is a popular one because it comes up all the time. However, there’s no answer, no timetable, no magic bullet that is going to let women know that it’s the right time to have sex. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. Which is perfectly fair. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Hold it out like a carrot for a horse and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number, like the U.S. coming up with an arbitrary pull out date for Iraq. A woman’s sole responsibility before having sex is to ascertain if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX. If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, have sex, and he doesn’t call, you made a mistake. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making the occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts?

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(from The Chicago Tribune)

Dating, offline and online, isn’t easy for anyone. But imagine if you were disabled.

Just south of Joliet, Ill., 54-year-old Suzie VanDyke struggles with a painful muscle disease called fibromyalgia. Sometimes, she feels like her neck, shoulders and legs are on fire. When the pain flares up, she’s in bed for days at a time.

For 15 years, VanDyke has dealt with fibromyalgia. She tried dating but eventually gave up on it.

“When I would tell people I have this disorder,” VanDyke said, “they’d push me aside. I wouldn’t get a call again. It’s just too much rejection.” The big dating Web sites weren’t any help, either.

“I don’t know any other way to say this,” she explained sheepishly, “but those guys are just looking for sex. That’s not something I’m looking for. I’m looking for a committed relationship.”

Dating4Disabled.com is the site that Ms. VanDyke used to find her husband. It caters to singles with multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, spina bifida, cystic fibrosis, stroke recovery, hearing and sight impairment, brain injuries, paralysis, amputation, polio, arthritis, learning disabilities, epilepsy, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. A number of people identify themselves as “not disabled.”

A very important niche, ably filled.

Click here to read more:

Click here to go to Dating4Disabled.com

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I’m a 42 year old single mom who is very attractive (I look about 7 years younger), fun, has a great smile and laugh (and does both a LOT), emotionally stable, and not looking to race to the altar. And I definitely fit the definition of a “cool chick” – and my guy friends will confirm:-).”

Unfortunately, the pool of men that I’m dating from (early to mid 40s, usually divorced) are pretty messed up. A number of them want younger women (never mind that I look much younger) – didn’t anyone tell these guys that women hit their sexual prime over 40:-)?
I’m besieged by the 50+ set even though our lives are completely different (like my kids are young and theirs are grown and they don’t want anymore). A number of gentlemen I’ve met shouldn’t have been dating at all because they are still grieving. And the most surprising phenomenon that I’ve witnessed in this pool of men is that being a pretty, happy, vivacious “cool chick” is a big negative strike against me. I’m amazed at how many of them fall for the psycho Bs and drama queens.

My last (short-term – I can’t find one healthy enough to become long term!) boyfriend told me I was the first mentally healthy woman he dated in 3 years. But although I had everything he wanted in a woman, he didn’t feel any “chemistry” for me – so he went back to a younger woman who had serious enough issues that she lost custody of her kids. And he is not the only guy I’ve encountered like this. Another date, who didn’t feel chemistry with me but we became friends, I’ve watched him fall for all the women who don’t want to give him the time of day. He gets his butt kicked time and again and then cries on my shoulder.

I’ve tried all the big dating websites and I go out a lot (that is another weird phenomenon – men my age sit home on the weekends and don’t go out and do anything so I never meet anyone by just going out and having fun). So Evan where can I find the emotionally available mentally healthy men who will appreciate a woman like me? Thanks!!!!!

Joan

A very honest letter, Joan, which is particularly timely, given yesterday’s thematically similar posting. I anticipate that you speak for a lot of readers out there – quality woman who are frustrated at their ability to meet quality men. I can tell, from your tone, that you’re speaking your truth, based on your experience, and I would never attempt to negate it. However, I would like to expand on your truth. Maybe put it into a different perspective.

If we take everything you wrote at simply face value, you’re pretty close to the perfect woman. Young for your age, emotionally stable, cool, etc. This is good news. Now, by your estimation, there are no men out there who are either a) interested or b) qualified for a long-term relationship. Let’s analyze both of those things. And let’s delve into the assertion that “being a pretty, happy, vivacious ‘cool chick’ is a big negative strike against you. Because that’s simply untrue.

What is true is that your options are unfairly limited. This is a dilemma that faces any woman on the far side of 35. Your value goes up – your self-awareness, your experience, your wisdom, your sex drive, your income – and yet, to men, your value goes down. And the main reasons it goes down are because he wants to have kids or because he’s still a slave to the Maxim aesthetic. One reason that women rarely want to consider (and I’m not necessarily applying this to you, Joan), is that with their experience comes a darker lining. Moxie hit it on the head in yesterday’s post that successful, intelligent woman can often be anxious, self-righteous, negative, and entitled. These are not the adjectives women use to describe themselves; these are the adjectives that men often use to describe you based on their own dating experiences.

A relevant aside: Last year, it dawned on me that for every “crazy girl” dating story I had, there was a woman on the other end who was telling her own version of the story, except that in her version, she’s the heroine and I’m the bad guy. We all have myopia when it comes to dating. It’s much easier to find fault in others than it is to find it in ourselves. Studies have shown that people in couples overestimate what they bring to relationships – their generosity, their emotional availability – because they are exclusively inside their own heads. We remember our good deeds more than others’ good deeds. We don’t keep track of how many times our partner kept his/her mouth shut for the sake of harmony. But our partner does. Each of us thinks we’re the martyr.

So am I saying that you, Joan, are anxious and negative? Not at all. What I am saying is that you’re only seeing things from your own perspective. Which is limited. If you’ve gone out with a handful of guys who ended up with drama queens, that brings up a very obvious question: why would any man prefer a drama queen over you? If you think it’s because men like drama, I’ll have to respectfully disagree. I wrote about this in Why You’re Still Single. Once a man reaches a certain age, he prefers easy relationships. When we’re younger, we may tolerate craziness, just because we’re lonely or desperate for sex. But as we mature and value ourselves, we tend to court what makes sense for us in the longterm. I’m not suggesting that the drama queens make sense to your ex’s, per se. I am challenging you to consider why he’d choose them over you at all. We’re largely rational beings. There has to be some reason, right?

I was on a plane two days ago and found myself seated next to an attractive and wealthy 59-year-old man. We got to talking and I learned that, not surprisingly, he had a predilection for younger women. In addition to the obvious physical attraction reasons, this man emphasized that it was so much EASIER to go out with a younger woman who has not yet been scarred by life. Someone who is up for anything. Someone who doesn’t judge. Someone who doesn’t tell you how to act. Keep in mind if you’re reading this that a younger woman doesn’t have to be a sycophant or a brainless chimp (although some insecure men are just fine with that). But for the men you’re interested in, the younger woman just has to be open and fun and easy to get along with. This is one of the things that women often ignore when they question the tastes of men. Every time I hear a woman saying that she “intimidates” men, this is what comes to mind. First of all, you don’t want to be with a man who is intimidated by you. Second of all, the greater likelihood is that not that he’s intimidated, but that he doesn’t want to be challenged by you on every little matter. This doesn’t mean he wants you to “dumb it down”. It means he wants you to “take it easy”.

That said, men ARE impossibly shallow. I struggle with it in my coaching every day. Clients who tell me, as they show me their lists of hot, underaged favorites, “I can’t help what I’m attracted to”. Yeah. There’s not much we can do about that. It’s why the 50+ set is interested in you. Just know that there ARE men out there who are looking for peers. My 60-year-old Mom married a 60-year-old guy. I’ve had single parent clients find the love of their lives on Match.com, JDate and Nerve. It happens all the time.

But one thing I’ve learned from years of dating and dating coaching, is that there’s nothing to learn when placing the blame squarely on everybody else. I hear your pain in your email, Joan. It’s frustrating out there. I completely agree. But I assume your question was not simply looking for validation: “You’re perfect. Men suck. Don’t change.” A question seeks an answer. And if you’re not arriving at the answers yourself, it’s useful to get another perspective. In this case, a male perspective.

Listen, if you’re dating online with a great profile, great photos, healthy flirting technique and a long-term subsecription, great. If you’re going out and doing things you love and putting yourself in the position to meet like-minded men, great. If you’re still finding that there isn’t one quality man in the world who wants a quality woman like you, I have to question something. There are quality men out there – even if they’re few and far between. Most of them want to date someone younger – because they can. But if you are all the things you say you are, I have no doubt that some quality single dad is going to grab you and never let you go.

Just don’t make the mistake in assuming that there are no emotionally available men, that men prefer drama, or that men don’t want “cool” women. Because that type of false thinking doesn’t lead to anything positive.

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Read this. Read every word of it.

Noted blogger, Moxie, has written a powerful message to women in their late 30’s: take reponsibility for your life.

I’d be inclined to publish highlights but that wouldn’t do this piece its proper justice.

So here, in its entirety, I offer you a very challenging post about women, written by a very intelligent woman. Feel free to post whether you agree or disagree with her assessment.

And while I might nitpick with a line or two, on the whole, I think Moxie knocked it out of the park.

Name: Betty | Location: New York , NY |Question: I am not sure if you have asked/answered this question before but I was wondering if you had any advice where a single woman in her late thirties could meet marriage/family minded men who are around my age? I have never been interested in dating men much older than me (frankly I don’t have a single girlfriend, married or single, who is so inclined). However, I have noticed over the past 5 years that the men who approach me have been getting exponentially older (seriously, I was recently contacted online by a 70 year old man – older than my father). I really want a relationship similar to all those in my family and social circle have – no more than a 2-3 year age difference. Do I really have to give this up? Am I going to have to settle for a man 10-20 years older than me and have a lackluster sex/love life? That just seems abnormal to me. Surely there must be men who come from a similar background (i.e. that spouses should be from the same generation so that the relationship will succeed for the long term). Any thoughts would be appreciated.

No, you don’t have to give that up. It’s just going to require more effort on your part. It’s also going to require that you ask yourself why, at 38, you’re still single. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

First, learn to accept the reality that a 38-40 year old marriage minded man is going to want someone a good 5-7 years younger than him if he wants kids. Maybe 10 years if he’s in his early 40’s. A 40-45 year old man who’s not interested in having children is going to want a woman who isn’t dead set on having kids. Most will assume that a 38 year old woman will want kids. And soon. The age we are at (35-40) is probably the toughest of all. In a man’s mind, we’re on the cusp between wanting kids and not wanting kids. A lot of men make this assumption on their own without ever asking us. Why? They have more options than we do and don’t have to ask us.

Online dating for women 35-45 is a joke. Do not rely on online dating in any way. I know exactly what you’re talking about in regards to being contacted by people you would never in a million years consider dating. The unkempt, unpolished guys. The husky, balding guys. The sleazy guys. The guys who wink or e-mail me within minutes of logging on. They’re contacting me because they think “She’s 38 and using online dating so she must be somewhat anxious or desperate and will give me a second glance.” If they’re not thinking that way, then they are men so lacking in self-awareness that you wouldn’t want to date them anyway. Of course, one or two of them are genuinely nice guys whom you might share a connection, but guilt by association screws them.

I was having a conversation with Evan Marc Katz recently. If you don’t know who he is, he’s a well known dating/relationship expert that started E-Cyrano, an online dating profile writing company. He’s also written a book called “Why You’re Still Single.” We talked about how frustrating it is for women (and I’m sure men) to only get contacted by people that they would never in a million years consider dating. Evan tried to tell me that women should just delete those e-mails and not give them a second though. I agreed with that, but also told him that the reason why hearing from only those people is frustrating is that it makes you wonder what it is about you that is attracting only these people. It also serves as a reminder of what’s out there and…as I’ve said before….as you get older it becomes slim pickins. Having a reminder of those slim pickins in your in box every day isn’t fun and can condition someone to believe that there truly is ” no one” out there for them. What else is disheartening is for every one good date you might have, you end up having 3-5 awful ones. For 1 person that meets your expectations there are 3-5 that don’t. And, if you meet those “ones” online, then it’s very likely that they are someone else’s “one great date” as well due to the whole “kid in a candy store” mentality that online dating encourages. So use online dating in conjunction with 2-3 other ways to meet someone. But do not make it your only means of networking. Take a home improvement class or a cooking class or a writing class. Got to Barnes & Noble. Go to the gym. Join a special interest group. Definitely take advantage of the stand bys but add some new ones, too. Move outside your comfort zone. Singles/social networking events are great but, like online dating, you shouldn’t rely on them to meet new people. Go to a few, like two or three, then try something different. Switch it up or do all these things in conjunction with each other. And always take advantage of every opportunity. Really work on being approachable in any situation. Walk with your head up, make eye contact, smile….be it at the deli, on the subway, at church…where ever. You have to be open to meeting someone at all times, not just in situations designed to encourage socializing. It’s very easy to become closed off, especially living in a big city. Don’t let that happen.

You’ll also have to throw away a lot of those silly criteria that we tend to apply to future mates.

Not interested in dating someone divorced? Get over it. We’re in our late 30’s. Many of the people in our age range are divorced.

Don’t want someone with kids? Again, let that slide a bit, since many singles our age are divorced.

Ladies – Stop going to bars to meet guys. Just forget it. Guys in bars are looking for the 25-32 year old gal. Or they’re looking for desperate women who will be easy to get in to bed. Got to bars to socialize, to hang out, to de-stress. But don’t go to a bar with the specific intent of meeting a man. Especially if you’re over 35.

Ladies – Stop going out in groups of 3 or more single friends. Men aren’t crazy about approaching a group of women. The fear of rejection is bad enough when contemplating your approach of just one woman. But three?

Choose who you socialize with carefully. If you and a friend are both burnt on the dating scene, then hang out with someone who is in a relationship or who is married. As much as you think that you can hide your frustration or disillusionment when you’re out, you can’t. It comes out in off the cuff comments, facial expressions and the tone in your voice. Surround yourself with positivity as much as you can so that their attitude rubs off on you. Nothing turns someone off faster than bitterness.

Learn when to walk away. Staying in a situation too long only to end up not getting/not being asked for a number or being rejected will only weaken your ego/self-esteem. Read the signs, pay attention to how the other person reacts to you. If you have to ask yourself , “Are they interested?” then they’re probably not. Stop trying to make them interested in you.

Ask yourself the tough questions. 38 and still single? Too focused on your career? Dating the wrong people? Ignoring issues that are getting in the way of being happy and secure? There’s a reason why you’re 38 and single. Figure it out and deal with it. Are you batting out of your league? Insisting on going for people that you think you deserve but who have no interest in you? Negative? There is a reason and it’s more than “I’m just picky” or “I’ve been too busy to date.” I haven’t met one person over the age of 35 who’s still single who wasn’t that way for a serious reason. And it’s usually one of these: We want it all right now. We want to know where we stand. We want to know what’s what right now. We aren’t willing to sit back and allow things to unfold at a natural pace. We assume that if someone doesn’t feel the same way we do when we do then they aren’t right for us. We grow resentful of those people who do have an easier time meeting someone and that resentment morphs in to bitterness and negativity. All of that stuff comes from a place of fear. A fear that we will never meet anyone, that we will end up alone. A fear that we will be hurt or left or abandoned or that we won’t be in control of the situation. If you continue to feed in to that fear you will end up alone. Or, worse, you’ll settle.

Sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and listen. This one has a double meaning. The first refers to people who, when they meet someone new, brag or challenge people instead of saying something truly of value and listening. Learn the difference between selling yourself and pimping yourself out. Then, take a breath, close your mouth and listen. Ask more questions but don’t interview someone. If you pay close enough attention to what someone says then you’ll have plenty of things to ask. But if you’re listening just to recognize a buzzword that will allow you to go off on a tangent, expect that person to walk away pretty quickly. Also listen to the “voices” that come from within. Voices that come in the form of feelings and reactions. What are you really feeling? 9 times out of 10, it’s fear. So many times I’ve met men that were really great and I dismissed them. I convinced myself that I wasn’t attracted to them but really I was just afraid. “They’re way too serious for me” I thought. “They’re too anxious for a girlfriend.” Looking back, there was nothing wrong with them. The problem was with me. I was scared. Scared they would find out I wasn’t as together as they were. Scared they’d leave me first. Scared that they would figure out who I really was. I wanted everything laid out for me. I wanted to know what to expect and when. I didn’t want to feel that anxiety over whether they’d call or what their lack of response meant. All of that is rooted in fear.

Face the realities head on & Become as self-aware as possible. Being over 35 and living in Manhattan (or any other major metropolitan city) is tough. Most women I encounter who are over 35 and single (and by single I mean “never married”) are single because they are completely unaware of the impression they make (anxious/self-righteous/negative/entitled) or because they are still sticking to that same laundry list of criteria that they wrote and laminated at 25. After a certain point, it’s time to get realistic. You’re competing with women younger, possibly thinner and probably making just as much money as you are and are equally successful. Either step up or move on to another league. And by step up I mean do the work you need to do to compete. That could be simply reorganizing priorities to dropping 10 pounds to going in to therapy to taking up yoga to learn how to relax. Is there something about you physically or personality-wise that might be turning men off? Because that might be it. Ask friends for a brutally honest assessment. Better yet, ask someone who isn’t that close to you. You’re more likely to get the truth. Forewarned is forearmed. Those who know that something is coming are better prepared to face it than those who do not know.

Would it be so bad to take a look at guys that maybe aren’t, at first glance, your “type?” Or are you one of those women who thinks that, by doing so, you’d be “settling?”

Get an attitude adjustment. People who tell themselves that there is “no one” out there for them or who focus on how they don’t have someone will continue to have bad luck in the love department. You literally have to stop yourself from saying things like “Every women/man” is this or that. You have to de-program yourself from thinking negatively. You’re basically setting yourself up to fail when you focus on what you don’t have or on people that aren’t interested in you. (Remember the other suggestion I made up thread – Learn when to walk away.) The more focus you put on what you are lacking, the more power you give to that idea and the more prevalent it becomes. It’s about thinking “as if.” In January, I joined Dating Dummy’s Blog Wide Workout group. I cut out pictures of Jessica Biehl and hung them over my desk on my bulletin board. Every day, I look at those pictures every morning and am reminded of what is possible. That motivates me to go to the gym. I also hung pictures of my ideal guys – Ryan Reynolds, Edward Norton & Matthew Rhys. Then, and I can’t believe I’m admitting to this but fuck it, I planned my wedding down to the last detail. I got pricing from the hotel for the open bar and food, wrote the guest list (only 50 people from my side, immediate family only and friends from high school/college/life) called the church I sometimes go to and booked a tentative date, (last weekend of April, 2008) and called my uncle and told him to save the date. Crazy? Maybe. But I’m now almost 20 pounds lighter and my sex/love life has taken a positive turn in the last two months. (Of course, it’s still in the early stages.) Every press mention my business has received has been clipped and hung on my bulletin board. I made a slide show of my affirmations, using pictures of everything from the type of body I want to have to piles of money to a clip of someone reading their credit rating to the new apartment I want to have. I view it every morning and every night. (Go to www.RockYou.com to make your own slide show.) My business has tripled in the past 6 months. The money flows in and, like with most businesses, flows right back out. But it’s there and the amount deposited into my business account gets larger each month. It’s all about changing your thought process. Tell yourself that it will happen and it will happen. But counting the reasons why fate is against you and you’re creating a big wall that will be very hard to scale.

You have the ability to change your life and have the things you want. It all starts with you. You just have to truly want to change it. Stop focusing on what doesn’t work and start focusing on what does work.

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(from the Seattle Times)

In the world of cyber dating, there are the standard headshots, and then there are the … bare-chested bachelor posing in front of a Camaro, or holding a fish or a (insert sports equipment here).

They have provided stand-up comedians a reservoir of material, spurred on parlor games and have become part of a conversation piece at girls’ nights out.

We are talking about the cheesy glamour portraits, beefcake shots and half-baked pictures. You know, the wedding picture with the significant other cropped out, all except for the hand. Or the puckered lips, hands behind the head pose that looks more like a “Saturday Night Live” parody of a Calvin Klein underwear ad.

Well, the honchos at dating sites have seen enough, and they have called in the photo police.

The Jewish dating site JDate now posts guidelines including “no suggestive photos” or “composites.” Match.com recently hired Jay Manuel from “America’s Next Top Model” to dish some common sense on Match.com’s new Portrait Toolkit. And most dating sites also run some form of Photo 101 or Taking Profile Pictures For Dummies to help these poor souls.

Yes, the pictures are that bad.

Even yours truly has made some picture faux pas from time to time. I always figured that if a woman wasn’t my girlfriend, there was no harm showing her in the photo. Apparently, that’s a no-no. Any woman without a t-shirt labeled “Mom” can be considered a potential romantic partner and therefore, a threat to the sensitive viewer. I’ve never been one to freak out if a woman showed a picture of a guy, so I suppose I’ve never really gotten it, but I have gotten the message from readers: NO photos should include people you could have possibly slept with. Which pretty much kills all of my photos.

What mistakes do YOU see most commonly? People love to hear about this, so don’t be shy!

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To read the Ten Commandments of Posting Photos click here:

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The women who appear in Web ads for the dating site True.com almost certainly do not need to look online for a date.The buxom and often barely dressed models, posing next to slogans like “It’s nice to be naughty,” are plastered across the Internet these days, and are hard to avoid on the social networking site MySpace.

In part because of its provocative ads, True.com, based in Irving, Tex., has seemingly come out of nowhere to become one of the most visited sites in the $700 million-a-year online dating industry, attracting 3.8 million people last month.

True’s rise has been controversial. The company has riled competitors like Match.com and Yahoo Personals, which say that True’s lowbrow advertisements clash with its high-minded lobbying and legal efforts. True, which conducts criminal background checks on its subscribers, is the primary force behind a two-year-old campaign to get state legislatures to require that social Web sites prominently disclose whether or not they perform such checks.

I’m not sure I can say anything about True that hasn’t been said before. Unlike sites like eHarmony and Match, it’s apparent that True doesn’t care one bit about the well-being of its members. True has proven, time and again, its willingness to take the low road in its cynical advertising by assuming the worst of people. Cheesy sex-oriented ads? Check. Warnings about felons that lurk on dating sites? Check. And what you’re left with is a site with really no identity apart from being the scourge of the dating industry. If you’re gonna be a sex site, be AdultFriendFinder or SexSearch. If you’re gonna be a clean site for relationship oriented people, be eHarmony or PerfectMatch. But with True’s pure mission statement and its sexed-up advertising, what consumers are left with is positively nothing. tt seems that True found out what many have discovered before – that pandering to the lowest common denominator is a much better moneymaker than providing safety. Too bad.

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One of the most common questions I get as a dating coach is, “I’m divorced, in my 40’s, my friends are married, and I have nowhere to meet people”. This well needed article in the New York Times makes it clear that there ARE other social options besides the Internet for the over-40 set. By Seth Kugel

Published: March 11, 2007

NEW YORK does not lack for hip bars that drip with beautiful people sipping $12 drinks, being assaulted by thumping music and feeling that they have found the center of the nightlife universe.

But that’s a universe ruled by the under-40 crowd (and haunted, despite laws to the contrary, by quite a few under-20s). So does that mean weekend visitors who own a graying mane or, the horror, receive a regular Social Security check, must head from a pricey meal, Broadway show or Lincoln Center concert and straight to bed without even a cocktail?

Of course not. They just have to look for the tip-offs that indicate that a bar attracts a more mature crowd, the kind that doesn’t trust anyone under 40.

Those helpful hints include an upscale, old-school setting (though downscale, old-school Irish bars work pretty well, too); background music that stays where it belongs — in the background; and closing hours earlier than the city-prescribed limit. There’s no need to stay open till 4 in the morning if a good part of your clientele wakes up at 7 without an alarm clock.

Click here to read full article in the New York Times

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According to a new dating survey by Internet dating site yesnomayB.com, only 2% of women and zero per cent of men rate their friends’ opinion as having any influence on who they date. Instead, the study reveals that singletons value their own first impressions far more. A staggering 78% of males and more than half (56%) of women seem to make up their minds within the first five minutes of meeting someone. (39% of men claim to make a decision in the first 5 seconds!)

What’s more, we also believe that our first impression is correct. An overwhelming 71% of male participants, and 57% of female participants, said their first impressions mostly stand the test of time.

“In those first few seconds that somebody looks at you in a restaurant, bar or a photograph on a website, they’re only seeing a glimpse of you; but to them, that represents everything they know about you. This is all they have to work with, so it’s important to make sure that glimpse truly represents who you are,” says Amanda Tsinonis, co-founder of yesnomayB.com. The dating survey was conducted by yesnomayB.com with a sample of 1,000 singles.

Other results of the survey showed that the size of your bank balance is the least attractive trait when it comes to online dating. Just 2% believed money makes the best first impression, compared to nearly half (42%) of respondents that put personality in the number one slot and 22% voting for sense of humour.

The survey also found that an overwhelming 82% of women would be far happier to settle for a good relationship with lukewarm sex, while almost half of all men (45%) would happily stay in a cold relationship if it came packaged with good sex.
——————————————-The sex results aren’t that surprising, nor are the money results. People like to think they’re less shallow than they really are. I am, surprised, however, at the lack of sway that friends had over people’s decision-making. I guess this would explain the phenomenon of everyone hating their friend’s boyfriend, and not telling her until they broke up.

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