I have a friend who’s recently widowed. He’s in his mid 40′s, not ready to get into another relationship, but wants to meet someone online for some companionship, hanging out, maybe even sex. Have you ever written anything on the subject of looking for something “light” online, not necessarily looking for love? Thanks. Barbara

Dear Barbara,

I’ve never written anything about this before, which is why I’m writing about it now.

Part of the reason your question is particularly useful is that it punctures a big fat hole in the concept that there’s something deficient in a man who isn’t looking for love. Nobody can blame this man for just wanting to keep it light after a period of mourning. The truth is, he probably has very little to give right now, and having a casual relationship would be the best course of action for all parties involved.

This echoes a conversation I had yesterday with someone who is involved with a man who is separated from his wife. Both of them have strong feelings for each other, but they recognize that the situation is fraught with danger. Not because he’s going to go back to his wife (he’s not), but because the guy hasn’t had any breathing room since his failed marriage.

Alison Armstrong talks in her seminars about how men need decompression time after work. You can’t expect them to just turn off their brains and instantly focus on relationship conversation – which is why he’ll often be silent in the car when you want to talk. I think the same thing applies to decompression time after a relationship, and not just for men.

People need time to be single. People need time to reassess their lives. People need to make the stupid mistakes that all of us single people have made before – acting like a fool on an online dating site, trying too hard to impress someone, worrying about whether you made a good impression, waking up in the bed of a total stranger… Only when they’ve gone through that process can they reach the place where they’re ready to settle down again. Otherwise, you end up as the serial monogamist who goes from relationship to relationship and can’t forge any identity as a single person. Not that this is a crime, mind you, but I think it’s safe to say that healthy single people make for healthier couples.

No matter how you look at it, a widower is bound to be damaged by his loss, so give him his space to figure himself out.

Once again, I’ve diverged from the original question to make a point. A person on the rebound isn’t radioactive, but should be approached with caution.

As to how this gentleman should present himself in a dating situation? I would say that he should do pretty much everything that I advise people who are looking for love to do. I mean, if he wants to go to AdultFriendfinder and SexSearch, that’s one thing. But if he’s just looking to date on Match.com or whatever, he should give himself the greatest chance of finding happiness. And if his happiness is three dates a week and a regular booty call, so be it.

The ONLY way, Barbara, that your friend can really screw up is by misrepresenting his intentions. He should never say that he’s looking for love and marriage. He should never waste a woman’s time if she has a ticking clock. In short, he can be a serial dater and still act with integrity. As long as both parties know exactly where he stands – he’s a widower, on the rebound – he’s not doing anything wrong.

Is he obliged to write in his profile, “Just looking for a good time. Nothing serious. Reeling from the death of my wife and want to play around.”? No. That would not make for a very successful ad campaign. But there are no shortage of women on the rebound – young divorcees, for example – who are in the exact same boat as your friend. If I were coaching him, I’d have him focus on dating someone in a similar life position as he is. It’s safe for both of them and could be both healing and fun. And, frankly, I wouldn’t be too surprised if, in the act of casually dating, your friend found someone he really started to care about.

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From online dating pundit, Virginia Vitzthum:

My competition for online dating talking head status gives women tips in the form of blame. He first directs women not to believe anything a man says on a date. He also gives contradictory advice in two of the steps — contact men, we love that, says #8; only go for men who are searching for you says #4. This is the guy I paid for online dating advice — for book research — who told me to lie.

Now, let me be clear. I respect Virginia Vitzthum. She writes well. And I have no trouble with her mentioning me in a blog.

It’s the “taking things completely out of context” part that doesn’t work for me. And because there’s nothing worse for a writer than to feel misunderstood, the instances where I’m taken to task can be explained thusly:

“He directs women not to believe anything a man says on a date”

Actually, I said that women shouldn’t think that having a great date means anything more than “I had a great date”. Women are often hurt and surprised when their incredible nights lead to nothing. I was merely trying to point out that if a man’s job on a date is to show you a good time, don’t be surprised if he shows you a good time. It just doesn’t necessary portend a future relationship. I emphatically did NOT say that everything that comes out of a man’s mouth is a lie. If you read it that way, as Virginia did, you’re getting it wrong.

He also gives contradictory advice in two of the steps — contact men, we love that, says #8; only go for men who are searching for you says #4.

These points do not contradict each other whatsoever. The only thing that would contradict my advice that says “Contact men” would be “Don’t contact men.” But I never said “don’t contact men”. What I said was that, if you’re a 45 year old woman who wants to date a 45 year old man, and you find that he’s only looking for women 21-31, don’t waste your time. Instead, focus on the men who ARE interested in dating a 45-year-old woman.

As I’m writing this post, I can’t even believe that my words could be so wildly misinterpreted, by an intelligent and experienced writer, no less. What’re ya gonna do?

But finally, the juicy stuff. The lying.

When Virginia recounts her story of how I encouraged her to lie, I can only assume that this, too, has been taken out of context. Any reader of my books or of this blog knows that I’m not an absolutist on anything. It’s never my way or the highway. I look at a situation, try to assess it as objectively as possible, put myself in the other persons’ shoes, and offer my two cents. When a man who is taking care of his sick parents asked me if he should lie about his living arrangement, I said yes. This doesn’t mean I am an advocate of lying, per se. It means that there’s far more nuance than moralists like Virginia would have you believe.

And let’s face it, it’s not taking much of a stance to come down AGAINST lying. It’s quite stronger to empathize with a woman who has gained twenty pounds and would rather not list her weight, or to understand how a woman who crosses the border from 49 to 50 might feel insecure as she drops off many men’s radars.

Finally, there’s a HUGE difference between “lying to be seen” and “lying to deceive”. Lying to deceive is claiming in your profile that you’re 35 and saying when you meet that you’re 40. What I advocate – what I have advocated – and what I most assuredly advocated when Virginia Vitzthum called me for research on her book – was this stance, which has been my answer to the lying question on the E-Cyrano quiz for four years now.

It’s okay to lie about your age (within a couple of years) as long as you tell the truth later in your profile.

If you list yourself as 49, but come clean in your profile that you’re truly 50, and the person still chooses to contact you, I’m not sure exactly who’s getting hurt. One thing I am sure of: this kind of lying is not indicative of any character flaw beyond insecurity.

Virginia and I exchanged pleasant emails after I read her post, so this isn’t any sort of Online Dating War as the title might indicate.

I was just hoping that someone would take the headline out of context and run with it.

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It occured to me this morning that the only women I stayed friends with in my years of online dating were those who I’d hooked up with while we were dating.

That sounds worse than it is, so let me explain.

A client was telling me this morning that she went on a first date, and while she thought he was a nice guy, she just wanted to keep him in her life as a “music friend”. Instantly, I knew that this was not going to happen. And I started thinking about it and wondering why that is.

I mean, it’s easy to say “I have enough friends”. It may be true, but it’s more likely that it’s the rejection talking. And I think that’s the crux of it. Men (and women) do not want a constant reminder of their rejection when hanging out with so-called “friends”. If I went on one date with a woman, and she thought I was nice, but wasn’t attracted to me, that would probably hurt. And since there isn’t that much of an investment in the “friendship” after only one date, it wouldn’t make sense to put in the time to truly turn that woman into a “friend”.

Conversely, if I’ve gone out with someone three or four times over a month – which probably means we’ve seen each other naked – it’s more likely that I’ll see her as a true friend – even if we’re not long-term compatible. Whether she breaks it off with me, or I break it off with her, I’ll be much more comfortable catching a movie with her down the road. Not because we were intimate, but because we had time to build a real relationship. Time + sharing + trust = relationship. And if you’re trying to turn a nice, bland, Starbucks date into a friend, that’s probably not gonna work. If that guy does stick around, it’s because he’s hoping you’ll change your mind about him. Then he’ll be that frustrated guy in the “friend zone” who has a crush on you but doesn’t let on until it’s entirely inappropriate (see: any 80′s teen movie).

To clarify my intentions, I never kept my women friends around to potentially go back to them as booty calls (which is a pretty common technique). It’s more that I tend to think highly of those I’ve dated and don’t see why we couldn’t at least remain “friendly”, if not friends. Luckily, I’ve found a number of women who agreed with me – although we both taper off our friendship when we’re in relationships. Again, I don’t think that’s about sex, but about need. Hell, my guy friends are just as distant once they’re taken as well…

Anyway, while I don’t know mean this as serious “advice”, if you want to keep a man/woman as a friend, you better be willing to go out with them at least a few times. Otherwise, they’ve got no incentive to stick around in the future

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Got a question on my MySpace page from a reader. Figured I’d address it here – with her permission, of course:

Hey Evan.

I love your blog. I read it all the time and have sent some of my girlfriends to it as well. Very informative. I’ve been doing the online dating thing since the first of the year and it’s going ok. Here is my question for you. What do you think about men who have a profile on just about every online dating site out there? Are they serious or just players? Thanks again for keeping us single gals hopeful.

Lori

Thanks for the kind words, Lori. Glad to hear you’ve got hope. I’m inclined to think it might be the most important of human emotions. But that’s another column for another day.

As for your question, I really had to rack my brain back to a time when I had a profile on every dating site out there. A time before I had a girlfriend. A time when others might consider me “a player”.

That time was four months ago. And also the seven years before that.

I had profiles on Match, JDate, Nerve, eHarmony, Chemistry… probably some sites that don’t even exist anymore. I never dated for research, I dated to fall in love. And I’ll be the first to tell you – it doesn’t happen very often. Once a year, if you’re lucky. And I’ve been pretty lucky. I found my first love on Nerve in 2004. I fell in love with a woman who wrote to me on JDate in 2005. And I found another eight month relationship off of JDate in 2006. (The current girlfriend is a “real life” person, alas).

Moral of the story is that I’ve gone out with hundreds of women since I started dating online in 1997. And I have no doubt that a number of them were convinced that I was a player. But as I’ve said before and as I’ll say again, a player is what a woman calls a guy who doesn’t want to go out with her. It may have absolutely no connection to his intentions. It’s like the part in “When Harry Met Sally” when Sally is lamenting her ex-boyfriend, Joe, who just got engaged. “It’s not that he didn’t want to get married,” she says, “It’s that he didn’t want to marry ME.”

This is not to suggest that there aren’t all sorts of players online. Online dating has leveled the playing field for guys to an unhealthy point. In the past, we’d get a phone number at a bar and it would be the highlight of our week. Now, guys can collect phone numbers and discard them with no second thoughts. However, this doesn’t mean these guys are players or slimeballs or just out for sex. It just means they have too many options and are always trying to trade up. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but it’s not a crime. Plenty of nice men are dazzled with the array of beauty on dating sites and feel that they should just keep shopping.

But this doesn’t answer your original question. Your original question is whether a man with profiles on multiple sites is necessarily a player. To which I’ll ask you:

How do you know he’s on multiple sites unless you are, too?

See? It doesn’t take a player to desire more options.

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Back after a long weekend in New York attending a close college friend’s wedding. They met on JDate. Had lunch with my best girl friend on Saturday. She’s moving to be near her fiance. Met on eHarmony.

I’m just saying…

Anyway, it’s time for a little reader mail:

Your honesty article hit close to home and made me wonder what your perspective is in regards to honesty in long term dating situations.

I recently ended a dating situation because although he was honest about dating other people, after 9 months of dating he still wanted to continue to see other people. After initally telling me he was trying to see where this was going, I waited patiently a few more months only to hear him say, “maybe I am not ready for what you are ready for”. It also seemed that his once complimentary nature had changed. “You look cute” and “I enjoy spending time with you” turned into “maybe you should start doing sit ups” and “your arms and thighs are beginning to look bigger”. If anything, I have lost weight since I began dating him.

I initially took these to be minor critiques and thought he may have a point and began doing the situp thing, but he was continual with his comments and it just seemed like I could do nothing right or there was always something wrong with my appearance. Anyway, I ended it and his response was that he never wants to speak with me again.

What do you think of these types of critiques in a relationship? When do they become criticisms?

Christine

Dear Christine,

Thanks for your thoughtful note and kudos to you from getting away from Mr. Critical. If there is one thing in the entire world that drives me nuts, it’s people like him. I know nothing about you, but I’m confident that you’re a lot better off without him than with him.

As far as how I feel about these types of critiques, I’ve written about this extensively, most notably in a chapter from “Why You’re Still Single” called “I’m Sorry, We Don’t Make Change”.
In it, I distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism. Constructive criticism is criticism that is being offered for the benefit of the other person. Destructive criticism is everything else. Unless you’re asking for genuine feedback – “Honestly, does this dress flatter me or not?” – your boyfriend’s job is to keep his mouth shut about things he doesn’t like. It’s not that he’s not entitled to his opinion; it’s not that his opinion is wrong – it’s that as your boyfriend, he’s supposed to be the one who loves you unconditionally. And part of unconditional love is keeping quiet about your partner’s perceived flaws. If he thinks they’re too great, he should get out of the relationship. But to be with you for nine months and tell you all the ways in which you could stand to improve? That’s unhealthy – for both of you. He needs to be with someone he feels less critical about. You need to be with someone less critical of you.

My girlfriend is extraordinary in a number of ways, but especially in her ability to live and let live. She doesn’t pretend I’m perfect, she just doesn’t call my attention to all of my imperfections all the time. I greatly appreciate her for that.

In fact, I just had lunch with a friend whose girlfriend is always trying to impose her will on him, and he’s had it. Too much tinkering. Too little peace. Sure, relationships may take work, but this stuff is the easy stuff. Be nice to your partner, the way you’d want your partner to be nice to you. That’s it. Yet the desire to mold our boyfriends and girlfriends seems to be stronger than the desire to be in a supportive, peaceful relationship.

Finally, the fact that he never wants to speak with you again speaks volumes about him.

Good riddance, Mr. Critical. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

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From Match.com’s Happen Magazine

Sometimes, telling your dates the truth about how you feel about them might not always be the best idea. Here’s why—and a much better alternative.

by Evan Marc Katz

How lucky we are to be in an age where men and women alike are encouraged to express their feelings. We share what’s on our mind to our family, our friends, our co-workers, our therapists, and last, but not least, our dates. The thing is: While our family, friends, co-workers and therapists have all known us long enough to roll with some of our beyond blunt comments, our dates have most likely not had that luxury—which is why you may well have completely offended one of them without even knowing it. Such is the price of honesty: We think we’re just being candid; someone else thinks we’re just being a jerk. Let’s take a closer look at how to wrangle this tricky dating territory.

Why criticism is rarely constructive
The irony of honesty is that we usually feel 100 percent justified in our feelings. Well, he did need to stop complaining about his job! She would look better with longer hair! And, hey, that person did too need to lighten up a bit! Newsflash: Everybody could stand to undergo a little self-improvement. But self-improvement starts with yourself, not with a near stranger you’re meeting at Starbucks. It’s not that those gosh-darned honest people are inherently wrong, per se, but rather that they’re offering opinions that the recipient didn’t solicit. David, 35, from San Diego, recalls a first meeting in which he and his date got into an intense discussion about the Iraq war. “Instead of agreeing to disagree,” he said, “she couldn’t stop reminding me how argumentative I was. But I was the one who wanted to end the conversation!”

There’s a big difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism, one that David’s date couldn’t discern. Naturally, most of us think our criticism is constructive; when others take offense we cry, “I’m just trying to help you!” But in my opinion, most criticism is the destructive kind. We tell others what we perceive to be wrong with them for our own benefit rather than theirs, as if they’re instantaneously going to change. “I was really interested in this guy from our email exchanges, yet the second we sat down for dinner, he told me, point-blank, that I should let my hair grow longer,” said Jane, 49, from Seattle. “As if he had some sort of say in the process.” Janet’s story, unfortunately, is as much the rule as the exception. We offer our thoughts even if our dates don’t ask, even if they don’t agree, even if our words fall on deaf ears. It’s as if the criticism is a weight to be carried around, and we can only unburden ourselves by dumping it on our unsuspecting dates.

The secret to treating your date with tact
So how can you tell if your negative comments are constructive or destructive? Simple. If your date didn’t explicitly ask you how he/she could improve, you’re being destructive—yes, even if you’re completely correct in your assessment. It’s not your job to tell the person how he or she can be better. It’s your job to smile, be generally pleasant, and decide if you want to see this person another time. That’s it. Andrew, 27, from Miami, recalls a woman who laid into him for showing up late and failing to open the car door for her. “It’s not that she was wrong,” he said, “It that her tone was something I’d only take from someone who was already a girlfriend. Getting yelled at on a first date doesn’t give me much incentive to come back for a second one.”

Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat on a date or carefully monitor every word that comes out of your mouth. Nor does it mean that you can’t talk about anything interesting or provocative. It just means that the cliché you heard from your mom when you were six is still applicable today: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.”

A road paved with good intentions…
We — real, human, flawed people — take a risk every time we go on a date. We hope to impress, yet half the time, we fail to. And that’s OK. The problem is when, for our own selfish reasons, we offer free analysis with each venti latte. Unadulterated honesty may not cost a thing monetarily, but being candid at all times is expensive in terms of connection and compassion. After all, why would anyone want to date you if they’re only going to be made to feel bad about themselves?

Let me give you an example: Karen, a 33-year-old psychologist from Los Angeles, believes in full-tilt honesty, and she feels that, if everyone were a little more like her, this dating thing wouldn’t be that bad at all. “Some of my dates probably think I lack a bit of a filter, but the way I see it, if a guy can’t take my honesty, he’s probably not the right guy for me.” Although I respect her integrity, I couldn’t disagree more with Karen’s approach. “Honest” may be the label that people like Karen grant themselves, but others (who may be a bit less honest) probably use another word to describe their behavior: tactless.

Having restraint doesn’t mean you’re a liar. It just means you’re not saying every single thing that crosses your mind. There’s tremendous grace in being courteous, and what you gain from being kind to a date is far greater than what you gain from being honest. So, next time, try a little kindness…and watch as your dates warm up accordingly.

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No, not really. But in John Tierney’s continued analysis of dating behavior, he cites some interesting studies that suggest that women are far less open to dating men of other races than vice versa.

African-American women said yes about 30 percent less often to Hispanic men; about 45 percent less often to white men; about 65 percent less often to Asian men.

Black women were the most averse to interracial dating, Asian women were the most open to it, and Asian men didn’t fare all that well.

I’m not going to hypothesize why – after all, I’m a dating coach, not a social scientist – but this very much corresponds with what I’ve heard from clients.

White women said yes about 30 percent less often to black or Hispanic men, and about 65 percent less often to Asian men.

With one exception. I’m a bit surprised at men’s openness to interracial dating. While I’ve personally dated women across the racial spectrum, I’ve only had a handful of clients who ever expressed preferences for women of other races. Then again, the demographics of my clients are probably a bit skewed towards upper-middle class white people.

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I met someone I will call Steve online a few days ago. He sent a photo to me at my personal email address and about a day later, I realized something. I was pretty sure I met him one time about 4 years ago. At that time, he was a young rabbi in a synagogue in my town. I wasn’t positive but his photo looked just like the rabbi, they had the same name and were about the same age. When I asked Steve what kind of industry he worked in, he was evasive. He told me he did not have to work because he made a lot of money from a previous business he started. His online profile said that his job was a consultant.

Last night, I told him on the phone I might have met him once a few years ago and I asked if he used to be a rabbi. He immediately said no. But he kind of stuttered and sounded strange. I asked if he was positive that he did not used to be a rabbi and he answered “no, not that I know of”. I was pretty sure he wasn’t telling the truth because of the way he answered the question so I googled him and found out that it was him! And he is still a rabbi in another town! I value honesty more than anything so my question is, do you think this is just a little white lie because maybe he’s embarrassed that he is a rabbi and is online dating (he just got divorced 3 months ago)? Or do you think maybe lying is a part of his personality? Normally if I found out someone lied to me about anything (age, etc), before I met them, I would not want to meet them. Should I not meet him? I know this is a strange question but please answer. Need advice!

Missy

Dear Missy,

Yes, it’s a doozy of a question. What I particularly enjoyed about it was that I didn’t see where it was going. I kind of figured that when you confronted him, he’d have come clean. But he didn’t.

Which is why I’m going to recommend that you pass on Rabbi Steve.

It’s been well-documented that I’m empathetic to people who lie online. Full-disclosure might sound great when you want to evaluate a total stranger, but when it comes to you, putting your own height, weight, income and age up for all to see, it’s a different ball of wax. Then again, there are variants of lies – there’s leaving out your weight, there’s clicking on that “tell you later” button for income, etc. Then there’s an out and out lie when confronted on the phone. And that’s why Rabbi Steve strikes me as a bit shady.

In fact, now that I think about it, I’m not sure there are many people who are better qualified to answer this “How do I list my career on my profile?” question. As a dating coach, you can be sure that it is NOT in my best interests to write that down. Talk about people judging! So I’ve gone with real euphemisms that hint at what I do, without explicitly stating it: writer, author, consultant, small business owner have all been used at some point in time.

But if anyone asked me, point blank, what I did for a living, or what I wrote about…you can be sure that I’ll tell the truth. Even though I know that the next ten minutes will be nothing short of a simulated grilling from Mike Wallace.

The follow-up questions to “I’m a dating coach”:

“Oh, really?”
“What qualifies you to do that?”
“Are YOU single?”
“Are you serious?”
“And people listen to you?”
“You’re not going to write about me, are you?”
“So is this ‘research’?”
“How many other people have you gone out with?”

It would be easier to make up a white lie. After all, it doesn’t hurt anybody, and I’d get to avoid the interrogation. But then, I’d have to tell the truth later, or worse, have her find out in another way (thank you, Google!) So what’s the point of lying at all?

Anyone can see why being a rabbi might scare/confuse/intimidate/bother women who are reading Steve’s profile. But I would sooner write “Tell you about my job later” than to make up a lie and STICK with the lie after a phone call. That’s just weird, don’t you think?

Listen, I can’t say that Rabbi Steve is going be prone to cheating on his future wife, or hiding money in a Swiss bank account, but I can say that his actions don’t indicate a very high level of integrity. I’d email him and let him know that you know he’s a rabbi and that, in the future, he might want to come clean sooner. Make it clear that you have no problem with his vocation, it was how he lied to you when confronted that sealed his fate.

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Finding silver in the silver singles set

Baby boomers are the fastest-growing demographic

By Heidi Dawley
Apr 10, 2007

When it comes to online dating, one would think it a world dominated by the young, web-savvy folks in their 20s or 30s looking for love and the mates of their lives.

There’s a lot to that. The young do very much dominate online dating. Yet increasingly dating sites report a surge in older people, what they call silver singles, folks in the 50-plus set. Indeed, they say it’s now their fastest-growing demographic.

And no surprise, it’s also the most lucrative. Dating sites report that plus-50s are willing to spend more money in their search for love.

Click here to read the full article:

===============

50% of my clients are over the age of 45.

And it makes sense.

Your friends are married. Dating at work is tricky. Bars have lost their appeal. Online dating, while flawed, presents a terrific option for busy adults to put themselves out there.

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I’ve been reading your work for over a year now, and enjoy your teachings. I am almost a veteran on online dating (which is not a good sign…).

This is just a quick note, which may sound like a ranting but it is not. I find that your remark about men are pretty sexist. If you used the same style to criticize women, you’d have been sued and banned a long time ago.

You are never as critical of women. For example, I never found that you criticize them for their not being courteous in their correspondence. The rule of thumb usually is: the younger and the prettier, the ruder and without manners. All you say is that it is “natural” that people disappear (even after some substantial email exchange!). You justify why they behave like that (“because there are millions of guys contacting them”). Well, I agree the meat market is not fair – but your assessments and critique could well be…

Anthony

Thanks for the note, Anthony. And thanks for not suing or banning me.

My response:

a) The majority of my readers are women. Men need more help. Women ask for more help. Check out the self-help section at Barnes and Noble if you doubt this.

b) I don’t think it takes a coach like me to tell women “don’t be rude”. If you think that such a proclamation would make things “fair”, then this is your lucky day.

Women of the online dating world… Please don’t be rude. It’s very rude. Be courteous. There are nice guys out there who deserve more kindness and consideration. Thank you.

Evan

I kid, Anthony. And if you’ve been reading for a year now, you know that I have always preached the Golden Rule when it comes to online dating. If you’re the type of person who likes to receive rejection letters from the hundreds of women you contact, then you better write rejection letters yourself. If you want to be called after a first date to be told that she doesn’t want to see you again, you better call her after a first date to do the same thing.

But most people, as we’ve established, are hypocrites. We want to be able to lie about our age, but not have others do it. We want to avoid the discomfort of a “It’s not you, it’s me” conversation, but we want others to put themselves through the same discomfort. It’s simply unrealistic to expect everyone to do what WE want them to do. Women have their own self-interests at heart, not yours. For most of them, avoidance is easier and makes more sense. Why would she write you an email to blow you off when she can ignore you? Especially if she knows that an email will incite another email from you, asking for an explanation or another chance. She doesn’t want to give you another chance. She wants to date someone else. That’s her right. Let it go.

If she goes on a date with you and doesn’t have fun, yeah, it would be nice to get a polite email telling you that she didn’t feel “the click”. But since very few people want to have to write such an email, why get so bent out of shape when you don’t receive it? If you don’t hear back from her in a few days, take a hint. That’s the way the world works.

While I can stand on the rooftops and admonish everyone to be nicer, what would that accomplish? You’d have a few thousand women who read this blog that would nod their heads and go back to deleting the tons of email they receive. That’s a drop in the ocean. What I find more productive, Anthony, is telling you that THIS IS THE WAY IT IS. And until you put yourself in an attractive young woman’s shoes to feel what it’s like to be coveted by hundreds of people at once, you have no right to tell them how they should properly dispose of you.

Don’t get me wrong. If she’s writing emails that say, “I’m way out of your class. Don’t waste your time with me, loser,” then yes, she’s being rude. But if she chooses to focus on a different man without giving you proper closure? You need to get over that. The silence tells you all you need to know. I’m not saying you need to LIKE it; I’m saying that you’d better accept it or you’re not gonna last very long in the online dating world.

To step back and answer your broader question: is my advice fair to both men and women?

I’ll say it is, if only because my primary goal is to get them to understand each other. You can get upset at me because I defend women who delete men. Women can get upset at me for making the observation that men generally prefer younger, thinner women. But in both instances, you’re shooting the proverbial messenger. I didn’t invent online dating; I just observe it.

Instead of complaining that women are rude or that I am unfair, I would say that the best thing to do would be to figure out what YOU can do differently.

You can only change yourself. You can’t change anyone else. Not me. Not your boss. And certainly not “women”. Might as well stop knocking yourself out.

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