A recent conversation with a client led to this blog post.

He’s a nice guy – very self-effacing – who was casually seeing someone when we first started working together. After only one session, however, I gave him a tip that helped him get the woman that he REALLY wanted. In subsequent weeks, we’ve had almost nothing to talk about on the phone, since he’s been so happy with the new girl. What I didn’t know, until the other day, was that he still hadn’t gotten rid of the OLD girl.

Now try not to get mad at this guy. We’ve all walked a mile in his shoes and made similar non-decisions. Our rationale usually comes down to something like, “I really care about her and don’t want to hurt her.” This is our self-preservation speaking. It’s far easier to avoid a conflict and do the slow fade, hoping she takes a hint, than it is to have that sit down, gut-wrenching, breakup conversation. My client isn’t a bad guy. He’s just being a selfish wuss.

And yes, there is a difference.

As always, I tried to get him to see the error of his ways without directly pointing it out to him.

“If your girlfriend found another guy, would you want to know?”

“Yeah.”

“How would you want her to tell you?”

“I’d just want her to tell me the truth. ‘I met another guy. I’m really sorry. It’s nothing personal.’”

“And how would you feel if she said that?”

“I’d feel bad, but I’d understand where she was coming from.”

“Okay. So you know what you have to do.”

This certainly isn’t genius psychology on my part. Sometimes people just need a nudge in the right direction, a little validation of why they’re hesitant to act, and permission to do something that might be a bit unpleasant. Breakups are invariably unpleasant.Yet they occur in 99% of all short-term dating relationships.

Some people deal with it better than others. I’ve broken up with women I really cared about after three months because I didn’t see a future. From the women’s perspective, the breakup came out of nowhere, since nothing was wrong – yet I have no doubt it was the right thing to do. Similarly, I’ve offered to write a new dating profile for one woman who broke up with me. And why not? I loved her. Why shouldn’t I help her find the guy who is going to be her one and only? Breaking up is no reason to start hating, especially if you haven’t been wronged.

But if you’re my client, who truly claims to care about Girl #1, he’s not doing her any favors by prolonging a relationship that he knows is ultimately doomed. Not for a week, a month, or a year. Yet hanging on is what we do – to stave off loneliness, to prevent unrest, to protect her feelings. And it all comes at a cost. Every second you’re investing in the wrong person is a second you’re not investing in the right person. And every second that your partner spends with you when your heart isn’t in it, you’re stealing from her.

You might think you’re being kind, but you’re actually being cruel.

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I‘ve been seeing this girl I met online for about two months. Things are going well and I want to be her boyfriend, but I still notice her logging into the dating site where we met. How can I get her to take her profile down without seeming too pushy?

Jason

Great question, Jason – one that affects everyone who dates online. The thing to realize is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior. She’s gonna do what she wants to do, same as you are.

The best way to see this clearer is to flip the situation over. If some girl is into you, but you’re not into her, you’re gonna keep browsing online. Doesn’t mean you don’t want to see her, just means you’re looking to trade up. She’s Miss Right Now, not Ms. Right. However, if she refuses to be Miss Right Now and makes it clear that she’ll accept nothing less than a commitment, that’s okay. You’ll wish her the best of luck in her search and you’ll both move on to greener pastures. You have different needs, different goals, different perceptions – no reason for anyone to get hurt.

You’re the girl in this situation. And if you’re unsure of where you stand, the best solution is to bring this to the surface in a confident way. How do you do that?

Take down your profile. Unilaterally.

She’ll notice. She may even say something.

If she does, just let her know that you don’t want to see anyone else. She’ll either think that’s sweet and offer to remove her profile, or she’ll remind you that you’re just “seeing each other” and that she’s not ready to be exclusive. Either way, you have your answer.

Actions speak louder than words.

I did this three years ago and it worked perfectly. Was dating two women casually. Met a third and was blown away. I dumped the first two and instantly took down my profile for #3. When #3 saw my profile was down, she asked me why. I told her, matter-of-factly that she was why. What’s the point of me looking for other people when I was into her? Of course, such an admission can be a little intimidating for someone you’ve known for a week.

Which is why I reassured her that she didn’t have to remove her profile. Removing my profile is what I wanted to do. And if she wanted to go out with twenty other JDate guys before taking her profile down, she could. As far as I was concerned, going on a bunch of dates would only reinforce why she should be exclusive with me. Yes, a little ego goes a long way.

Now if you take down your profile and she doesn’t say anything, you might want to step up your efforts to see her more. There are two possible scenarios: 1) she reciprocates in kind, and you become her boyfriend, and 2) she backs away, and you move on. No need to have an uncomfortable “Why is your profile up after two months?” conversation. Actions speak louder than words.

To sum up, the reason her profile is still up is basically one of the below:

1) She’s playing it cool and trying not to act needy. She’s waiting for you to make a commitment to be a boyfriend.

2) She’s just not that into you.

The latter is the more likely scenario. But you never know until you take action.

The good thing is that there’s no downside to pushing things forward. Better to get an answer now than to wait another two months to find out where you stand.

I have a client who is dating online. He’s gone from nothing to raining women in a few months. Except most of the women with whom he’s corresponding are out of town.

So while he’s visiting one right now, he hasn’t yet booked a flight for the one he’s really excited about.

If he sounds a bit shady, he’s not. He’s just overwhelmed by the choices he’s created for himself – to the point that he’s not actually thinking straight.

He asked me how he should play it, given his level of interest in the second out of town woman.

Him: Is it all right to let her know that I’m going to be out of town for awhile?

Me: Sure.

Him: Is it all right to send her an email while he’s gone?

Me: Sure.

Him: Do I have to call her if I’m away? Or can I just wait until I get back?

Me: You’re going away on business for two weeks, with a little bit of pleasure. How do you think she’ll feel if you don’t speak to her for two weeks?

Him: Yeah, I guess.

Me: This is the one you really like, right? The one who you talk to until midnight?The one who flirts with you and teases you? The one you really wanna meet? So let’s pretend you weren’t going to play any games or strike any postures to achieve a certain result. How would you act toward a girl who was really into you? How would you act if she was your girlfriend?

Him: I’d call her. I’d probably call her all the time.

Me: Because she’s your girlfriend.

Him: Yeah. That’s what you’re supposed to do.

Me: That’s what you want to do. Do you want her to be your girlfriend?

Him: Maybe. Sure.

Me: Then start treating her like one.

Him: Got it.

Not until then did it occur to me that in three of my most prominent adult relationships, the bonds were forged when we were in different cities. I’m not just talking about long-distance. I’m talking about meeting someone right before I had to go visit my family for a week. Each time, I followed through on the early promise of our email/phone conversations and allowed myself to drop my guard. Each time, I came back to a woman who became my girlfriend.

By making an effort while you’re out of town, you show in actions what no amount of words can say: that you’re serious, that you care, that you can’t wait to talk again, that you refuse to lose the tenuous connection that you’ve forged thus far.

Of course, it takes two to tango. If he emails every day and she doesn’t email back, there’s a major power imbalance. But if he makes an effort and she makes an effort, I can virtually promise that by the time those two get together, they’re going to be a virtual couple. No one can predict whether there’ll be chemistry, but we do know there’ll be trust. And trust, if you’ve ever dated online, is even harder to find than chemistry.

Let down your guard. Show you care. Make an effort.

You can’t lose by being real.

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Was at Coachella Music Festival this past weekend. Catching up on work before my big vacation with the girlfriend. Will try to crank out some more blog posts before I go. But first…

Check out Chemistry.com’s Blog, “The Great Mate Debate”. Sorta catchy title. But what makes it really worthwhile is that they sought out the opinions of five relationship experts not named Evan:

Helen Fisher, the mastermind behind Chemistry.com
Dan Savage, the superstar sex advice columnist
Wendy Shalit, who calls herself the Modesty Maverick
Ed Young, pastor and founder of Ed Young TV
and Greg and Amiira Behrendt of He’s Just Not That Into fame

It will probably come as little surprise as to which of these pundits have a similar take as I do. Actually, I take that back. I think most of them give really sound, commonsense advice, although some are a little funnier/blunter than others.

Check it out and decide for yourself.

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