Dear Evan:

When I was younger (disco diva days), I used to have this (fun for me!) phenomenon of men just coming up and kissing me. Nice kisses, movie-style, lip lock but no tongue. Then they would smile and just walk away. I ‘ m verbal, but not that kind of quick wit and so would be left standing there with a silly grin on my face and my girlfriends or guy buddies asking me "Who was that?

It was never a guy who had asked me to dance; never a guy who I had approached or had knowingly flirted with; and never would they talk to me or ask me out. Just kiss and run. Anglo, Hispanic, sometimes I wasn’t sure of their ethnicity (disco lighting); but never an AA (which I am). Sometimes, they would just hug me.

Well, disco days passed, I got married and so for the past 20 years – nothing, as I was definitely on ‘ off ‘ . Well, here I am divorced, as of 05, fast approaching 50 and trying to turn it ‘ on ‘ and it happened, again, of all places in a Lowes! It was a kiss on the cheek. A lovely one and the gentle man gave me his business card – so some things have changed, but some have not, as I’m still not at all quick enough to follow up with anything.

And I was out, for the first time in years, with a girlfriend, having a fun time playing pool, and I got hugged as I was leaving the bar. The gentle man said bye and that he hoped I ‘ d come back to the bar soon.

Well, this has made my ego feel good, but, it got me to wondering. Have you heard of this before? I don ‘ t know what to do with this effect, but would like to turn it, safely, into a way to met guys and maybe, this time out, finally learn how to date well.

Thanking you in advance.

ML

PS: I ‘ m not a beauty – am described as ‘cute’ , 5′ 9", a little ditzy and a geek, don’t wear makeup, and no one has ever described me as being ‘cool ‘ . And I really like your blog.

Dear ML,

Rarely do I get an email that renders me nearly speechless, but you take the cake. Usually, something is shocking because it’s vulgar or dirty or embarrassing, but this is just…surprising.

You turn men into Kissing Bandits, and profess total innocence about how this keeps happening to you.

And while I’d like to think have a considerable amount of experience and knowledge in the dating arena, I have never heard of anything remotely like this in my life. Which is why I feel unqualified to weigh in as to what this means or what you can make of this.

But that’s never stopped me before.

So stick with me while I think out loud here…

You’re saying that strange men kiss you for no reason without ANY warning?

No smiles, no sideways glances, no conversation, just… SMOOOCH?
Wow.

Where I went to college, this could be considered battery. A unsolicited physical assault from a stranger? How is this any different than being flashed or being groped on a subway?

In fact, the more I think about it, I’m not sure which is more unusual – the fact that you have a penchant for bringing out the friendly freaks or the fact that you really seem to ENJOY being touched by these friendly freaks….

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I belong to a dating website that has "winks" and "hotlists" as features. One thing that confuses me to no end is why a man would wink and/or hotlist me, but never write! On a few occasions, I have written to these men to interact with them, but they have not written back. Some of them still continue to "hotlist" me even weeks later.

What gives?

Sylvia

Dear Sylvia,

Do you have a pantry? Somewhere that you store food that you’re not planning on eating right this second?

That’s what a hot list is for men. A pantry to keep track of all the lovely ladies who may have caught their eyes while browsing.

Being put on a hot list is better than not being put on a hot list, but, in and of itself, the gesture means very little. Essentially, it means “maybe”. You haven’t been eliminated from contention, but there’s no guarantee you’re going to get an email. So don’t take it as some sort of promise ring. In fact, don’t take it as anything.

This is a huge problem with online dating and I only know because I’ve experienced it myself. You go on Match.com, see that you’ve been browsed 518 times, but you’ve only received three emails and five winks. This registers in our brains like this:

510 people just rejected me.

This is not remotely true, but this is how we feel; this is what we believe. We take everything so personally that we never bother to consider the logic of online dating.

Consider that you’ve probably browsed through 500 men – most of whom didn’t interest you. You may have put them on your favorites list. Maybe not. But the point is that you’ve looked at 500 guys and written to none of them. Should each and every one of those guys feel hurt that you browsed them without making contact? I should hope not. Yet this is what we do. It would be like a store owner getting upset when someone window shops but doesn’t buy. Sometimes, we’re just browsing; other times, we’ve got our credit cards out and are geared up to buy. Online dating is filled with browsers and lookie-loos and people who have profiles but are not currently paying for the site. I’m not kidding when I say that this comprises over half of the people online.

So if 50% of the people are not even potential buyers, that leaves 50% of the browsers who are. Factor in that you’re only going to be interested in 10% of that 50%, and, well, who exactly are you missing?

Nothing, I assure you.

But I hear you when you say that you want certain guys to actively write to you. …

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Hey Evan,

I met a really nice guy. We are going out for a month now. And as all women do, I’m falling in love. But how do I know if he is feeling the same way about me without having to ask him directly?

Antonella from Holland

Dear Antonella,

I wrote about this in a chapter of Why You’re Still Single called “Diminishing Returns”.

In it, a woman wonders why a man would invest time, energy and money in somebody he might not even care about.

There was originally a great joke about oral sex here that was later removed by editors, but the point remains the same:

A guy can want to fall in love, tell you you’re beautiful, treat you like a queen, and ravish you in the bedroom, and it still doesn’t give any indication that he’s actually interested.

So how will you know that he’s interested in you?

He’ll call you as soon as possible to make plans to see you again. That’s it.

Any other excuse – as pointed out ad nauseum in He’s Just Not That Into You – is meaningless.

You’re not wrong, Antonella, for wanting to find some clarity in your relationship. It’s normal that, over the course of a month, your feelings would start to deepen and develop. But one month is still a short period of time and unless you’re quite positive that he’s on the same love track as you are, I would lean back and play it cool.

Instead of forcing him to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation before he’s figured out his feelings, why don’t you just wait to see him reveal his feelings? Believe me, if he’s calling you every day and wants to see you four nights a week, you can be pretty sure that he’s serious about you. On the other hand, if you see him once a week and he only communicates with you by text message, I wouldn’t get too excited about him.

And when you reach the point where you simply can’t live without the knowledge that you’re in a committed relationship – most likely, in a month or two – that’s when it’s time to have a real conversation with him.

But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to have ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you. And if he’s not making an effort, you don’t have to look very far for your answer.

P.S. Want better results in your love life? Click here to read my FREE eBook “The 5 Mistakes You’re Making in Your Love Life – And How to Turn Them Around Instantly” and receive news about all my new articles, products and seminars.

Dear Evan,

I dated a girl for 6 months — she said she loved me, that she felt I was the guy she was going to marry — and other things making believe I found love. Then, some distance came while I was a away. I called her on it and she claimed everything was fine, but when I got back, she broke up with me. "It ‘s not you, it ‘s me, I don ‘t know who I am and need to find myself. I ‘m not emotionally ready to continue making you happy, but if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be with you. Please don ‘t think I don ‘t have feelings for you, I do. I ‘m giving up the most amazing relationship of my life, everything is there, and I ‘m an imbecile for doing this, but I need to be single. You know I just got out of a 5 year relationship before you, I need to be on my own."

I was heartbroken; I didn ‘t believe she was telling me the truth and told her that, but she was like a broken record. Our social circles intersect; I told her not to contact me for quite some time, that maybe friendship would be possible months down the road, but not now.

She then emailed me two weeks later asking if I were willing to be friends with benefits. I was irate. I crassly told her no, nothing critical, but specifically I said "when you broke up with me, you broke up with my ****. I deserve more than that and you know it." Her response was "I was just joking." Sadly, I was drunk when I got this response (next bad breakup I ‘m not going to drink for 2 months), and went off on her, calling her selfish and cruel, how the reasons for the breakup were BS, how I deserved more respect and honesty, and that I felt she wasn ‘t telling me the truth and I was just a rebound. Repeat that paragraph 6-7 times. I was pissed.

We have some mutual friends and I ‘ve been ostracized. I ‘m 27! They call me names, are hostile to me at events I ‘m invited to (I make sure she is not there), etc. They tell me I acted undignified and lost dignity and I ‘m not welcome anyplace she might show up because I overreacted and went too far.

I feel like I ‘ve lost my best friend, my lover, and now have to find many new friends. The worst I did was call her selfish. And I did apologize to her! I know my real friends will be my real friends, and I should just walk away, but how do I cope with me being the bad guy?

John

Dear John,

Looks like she won the war AND the PR campaign.

Really, my heart goes out to you. I only had that experience once in my life and it was awful. Former friends taking sides without acknowledging that relationships are extremely complex. Emotions run high, heated things are said, and reasonable people act unreasonable. This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for anything that you may regret saying; it just means that pretty much anybody who’s ever been in love should be able to understand. Relationships may bring out our best, but they also bring out our worst.

As you well know, it’s not unusual for people to choose sides when a couple breaks up. …

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Hey Evan,

Full disclosure: I do some of what you do (see romancelanguage.org). Anyway, first I just wanted to say that you do excellent work, and that your perspective is very helpful (mine is that of a widowed 50ish woman — and though of course there are similarities across the dating world, different demographics are, well … different). Quoting from you:

“Online dating has leveled the playing field for guys to an unhealthy point. In the past, we ‘d get a phone number at a bar and it would be the highlight of our week. Now, guys can collect phone numbers and discard them with no second thoughts. However, this doesn ‘t mean these guys are players or slimeballs or just out for sex. It just means they have too many options and are always trying to trade up. I ‘m not saying it ‘s a good thing, but it ‘s not a crime. Plenty of nice men are dazzled with the array of beauty on dating sites and feel that they should just keep shopping.”

Very, very well said and very true. I would love to read an expansion of this, specifically advice to women in the face of it. One way to go is of course to say bye bye baby to the guy who doesn ‘t have the sense to stop shopping in the face of your fabulousness. On the other hand, that can be a little draconian — as you say, this medium does encourage the "if I found this great woman, think what must still be out there" mentality — so I can ‘t bring myself to instantly trash the guy who believes it. Would love your opinion.

Yours in coaching solidarity,

Erika

Dear Erika,

Every coach probably has his/her own method for trying to assess things clearly. Our value comes in the ability to see things objectively, and to translate this insight into practical advice. My not-so-secret method for giving dating advice to men and women? Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Ingenious, I know.

So when you ask me what I would say to women who are dealing with men who have tons of options, I’d probably flip the whole thing over. I’d ask the women to consider being in the man’s position – with the presumption that she’s probably already been in it, without having realized it. It’s easy to blame guys for being non-committal shoppers who are always looking for the next-best thing; it’s a lot harder to come to terms with the fact that, as a woman (especially if you’re under the age of 35), you’ve likely done the same thing. In fact, most women under the age of 35 don’t quite appreciate how good they have it. Their inboxes get filled with scores of emails – mostly from undesirable men, with a few golden nuggets thrown in. On the other hand, the average man has to write ten emails to get two replies – and rarely, if ever, receives an unsolicited contact.

And as I’ve said in a previous blog post, you are as valuable as your options. If you are a 27 year old woman, you’re at the top of the dating totem pole. Same for a 35 year old man. If you’re on a website and legitimately have the option of being able to land the cutest, smartest, most successful person out there, it’s hard to blame you for it, isn’t it?

This is what both genders fail to appreciate about each other. Men think women are rude for not writing back. They never consider that those women have dozens of other men courting them. Women think men are players for not committing. They never consider that those men might be marriage-minded and struggling to find the right fit….

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Dear Evan,

Six months ago, I relocated to a new city, more than 500 miles away from my hometown. The problem I an encountering is that men don ‘t seem to trust me because I ‘m from "out of town". Although I have been here for over six months, I have a steady job, nice apartment, and now even a pet, I have a feeling that some of the guys I have been on a date with feel I may be transient or something. I have no family or friends from my hometown here with me, and since I don ‘t get along well with my mom anyway, that ‘s fine with me. The problem is that on holidays, none of the new "friends" I have met ever invite me to spend the day with their families, and I am sitting home alone. On Christmas, that was a very hard thing. Also, because I moved to the south from the NYC area, I think that there may be a certain prejudice against me down here. I don ‘t speak Brooklynese (NYC slang), and I have always spoke proper English, with the right pronunciations and I don ‘t feel it differs much from what is spoken down here, except that I don ‘t have that obvious southern twang.

I am attractive, friendly and in okay shape (not skinny but not fat either, just a few extra pounds that are hidden fairly well by the way I dress). I also get along very well with people, and I am told I have a good sense of humor. So what I want to know is whether the fact that I am from "out of town" is working against me and making guys hesitant to form relationships with me, because they think I am shady or something, as in "why would a grown woman just up and leave her family like that and move to a strange place?"

I find myself justifying over and over again to people down here that I HAD to make this move in order to make a better life for myself. It is only the comments like "what are you running from?" that make me feel like a complete reject. Will people start to trust me more with time? It ‘s not like I ‘m living out of my car or in a hotel or something. I have put down real roots here, have gotten the state license plates on my car, state drivers license, permanent job, long term apartment lease, long term fitness club membership, even a pet that I consider my "family" here. What else can I do? Or do you think it could be something else that is holding these guys back? Please help!

Diane

Dear Diane,

I really empathize with your pain. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 24 without knowing anybody, but moving to a city without any support at age 34? I wouldn’t have the guts. It sounds to me like you’re making a brave go of it.

It also sounds to me that you’ve told yourself a story and you’re finding as much evidence as possible to support it. Your thesis is: I’m from out of town, therefore I’m a pariah. Now, is it possible that this is a function of your being a Yankee in the South? Sure. I went to school in the South and know that there’s it can be an insular culture with a tremendous amount of Southern pride. But that doesn’t make it any different than being black or Jewish or Irish Catholic. Groups try to stick together out of familiarity more than xenophobia, which is why there’s bound to be friction when you’re trying to break into one of those groups.

Another factor that may be at play is your age. I don’t know how old you are, but the older you get, the more people get set in their ways. As you go from your thirties into your forties, people settle into their routines, stick with their jobs, watch their friends get married and often don’t actively seek new friends. So even if you do become good friends with someone at work, you’re way down on the close friends list behind other, older work friends, grad school friends, college friends, high school friends, etc. There’s no replacing fifteen years of common experience.

So is it wrong for you to want to feel closer and more connected? No. It’s just unrealistic. …

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Dear Evan,

What is a good way to get a guy to back off on the physical stuff when you first start dating? I dress very sexy and have a nice figure, am attractive and feel like guys are always all over me right away to get physical. I feel stupid saying, “it‘s only our first date,” and moving their hands because it sounds immature to point out the number of dates, but I don‘t know what else to do! I am not a prude by any means, but I usually like to wait until around date 4 to have sex. Also, if I say things like that I dressed as a dominatrix for Halloween and that I sleep naked, is that considered teasing or flirting? I really don‘t know. Maybe I mislead guys by talking about these things and that is why they are all over me. Oh, and please don‘t tell me to start wearing turtlenecks and khaki pants when I go out because that is not going to happen ; )! Thanks!

Natalie

Dear Natalie,

Let’s see if we can agree on one thing first:

If Britney Spears hates the paparazzi, you certainly can’t blame her. But if she can’t deal with having her every move scrutinized, she shouldn’t have become a celebrity. That’s the unfortunate price of doing business. If she doesn’t like it, she can become a fry cook or a flight attendant or a neurosurgeon. Right?

So if Natalie insists on dressing sexy to show off her nice figure, she can’t be too surprised when men want to get a premature sampling of the merchandise. I’m not saying “you’re asking for it”. I am saying that dressing sexy has that effect on men. If you don’t want to have that effect on men…don’t dress sexy.

Assuming a guy is just putting his arm around you (as opposed to physically assaulting you), this is all pretty normal behavior. And the reason for it is not simply that men are obsessed with sex (which is true), but rather that they’re tantalized by the possibility that they can get it right away. And although you describe yourself as a fourth date girl, every guy knows one thing: Rules are meant to be broken.

Which is why we don’t pay much attention to them. This works both ways. He tells you he’s never getting hitched, but he marries the next woman he dates. She says she never dates short guys, but ends up with a dude who’s 5’6”. For the right person, all bets are off. And nowhere is this more obvious than with sex. No might usually mean no. But it can also mean maybe, and very often, yes.

And when you’re showing off your curves, Natalie, you’re bringing sex to the forefront of men’s minds and giving them the hope that they can convince you to break your rules. Because for every woman who says she never goes home with a guy on the first date, there’s another one who’s waking up next to him the next morning.

If you want to keep better control of your date’s behavior, you need to be a bit more conscientious about how you’re coming across. Listen, I don’t know any guy who isn’t tantalized by a hint of cleavage and the suggestion that there might be some risqué costumes in your closet. But if you find this is consistently putting you in an uncomfortable position, who’s job is it to change tactics? Them? Or you?

I’d say scale it back a little bit. You can look sexy without looking slutty, and you can talk about sex without seeming to come onto them. Just sit on the other side of the table, don’t have too much to drink, and make it clear that you’re interested with your words, not your body.

Hi Evan,

I am a 30 years old woman recently out of a 2 year relationship. I hope to get married and have a family. I don’t want to be in another LONG term relationship without a possibility of marriage or finding out too late that the guy is just not ready for marriage.

So, how do you find out BEFORE you start a relationship with a guy 1. is he at a point of his life when he is ready to get married? 2. if he sees marriage potential with you?

I know that you don’t want to bring up the "question" or bring up commitment. But is there a way to find these important facts BEFORE you get involved with someone? Or would you just make the guy run away…..

Also, would you specify on the profile interested in "marriage and children" only (as you do on your profile), or would you also list "long term relationship"?

Thanks,

Susan

Dear Susan,

There’s a fine line that you have to walk in any romantic relationship. Especially early on. You want to be vulnerable, yet you’re trying to play it cool. You want to show that you’re interested, but never want to act like you’re needy. You know that true love means being real, but that being real can sometimes scare people away.

Whether we acknowledge them or not, these paradoxes exist. And whenever you’re dealing with something that is inherently contradictory, there is no easy answer. Human nature is far too complex, and people are rarely even in touch with how they feel themselves.

Consider the philosophical differences between the serial monogamist and the serial dater. You don’t have to guess which one I am.

I’m a guy who has always broken up with women I didn’t intend to marry after three months. It’s not that I wasn’t content in those relationships, but rather, that I felt that it was a) unfair to her if I already knew I didn’t have long-term intentions and b) unfair to me, because every day I spent with her was a day I wasn’t looking for my future wife. Strangely, I’ve always been proud of my spotty track record – as if it was a badge of honor to pull the plug quickly, if only for the sake of integrity.

On the other hand, my girlfriend has had a series of long term relationships. Three years, five years, two years. One of them, she actually married. Did she stay too long in the others? Did she know, at any point, that they were doomed to fail? It’s not my place to say.

What I am saying is that nobody wants to waste time on a relationship, but everybody has a different definition of what “wasted” time is….

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It’s been a month of redesign but I’m proud to unveil my new blog and new website.

The advantage of the new website is that it:

a) Looks a LOT better with its fancy flash header with my big head on it.

b) Has ALL of my published articles contained in one section as well as audio and video clips.

c) Lays out my dating coaching packages for you in much clearer fashion.

The advantage of the new blog is that it:

a) Is actually located at www.AdviceFromaSingleDatingExpert.com instead of www.EvanMarcKatz.blogspot.com.

b) Contains much more "searchable" categories: "sex and relationship advice", "dating advice", "online dating advice", as well as monthly archives, daily comments, and favorite posts.

c) Has a clear button on the left side to ask me a dating question and a clear button on the right side to subscribe to the blog.

By the way, that’s two free subscriptions that you can access now:

My daily blog and my monthly newsletter.

New posts to begin next week.

As always, thanks for reading.

Warmest wishes,

Evan Marc Katz