Dear Evan,

I have seen a lot of interesting questions about dating and the internet. So here is mine: How do you know if this guy that talks to you on the phone for hours every day…and lives overseas…is for real?!?

Let’s see a tell-tale list of signs for women to know when he IS interested. I, like most women, think we have guys figured out but are so wrong most of the time. Men DON’T usually share their feelings or sometimes are afraid to I guess. So we play the "let’s read into everything he does" game.

Keep in mind this is an international relationship and not the boy who lives 30 minutes away and I can meet him anytime.  So how do I know if it’s worth it or if it’s all gonna be like a giant bomb exploding around me because what we have online or the phone just can’t be sustained "in real life". I would like to know what to look for.

thanks,

Charoa

Dear Charoa,

I trust you’re asking me if this relationship is real, as opposed to the person. Because believe me, there are people overseas who are out to scam you out of your money, and you should be aware of that. Generally, scammers will show interest in older women or men who haven’t been getting much attention online. Then, they’ll develop a rapport over a few weeks and ask you to send money. And when you do, you’ll never hear from them again.

I remember one nice Midwestern man calling American Singles customer service (where I was working in 2001) to complain about a Russian woman he had met on the site. Apparently, he had fallen in love with this woman, who, in turn, asked him to send her $2000 so she could move to the United States. There was nothing the site could do – as all they had on her was an email address, a fake name and a cancelled credit card.

But assuming you’re asking me about long-distance relationships, Charoa, yeah, I’ve got a few ideas.

As it stands, I’m driving up to San Francisco in a few minutes. There, I’m going to have breakfast with my little sister who has left New York to move in with her boyfriend that she met on Nerve.com.

My best girl friend from high school has just moved from New York to Baltimore to move in with her fiancé that she met on eHarmony.com.

A woman I briefly dated cross-country who told me she’d never leave New York is now living in Santa Monica with her husband and new baby.

These are real stories of real people who are really close to me.

And yet, I still wouldn’t recommend a long-distance relationship….

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I was on The Early Show last Wednesday and since I don’t have the video up on my website yet, I figured I’d link to it directly from the blog.

Click here to see the piece that ran on CBS. Article to the left. Video to the right.

And click here to see special outtakes that weren’t in the CBS piece. I actually like this one better than the regular one…

Hope you enjoy!

Hi Evan,

Had a date that I met on-line a few weeks ago. Just went for coffee and a muffin (first date). However, I have run into this situation many times and do not know how to handle it. The date (male) spent the whole time talking about himself. Asked nothing about my life. Had two conversations with him on the phone prior to our meeting, and all he did was talk about himself. (There was "the writing on the wall”.) He was attractive and polite and seemed decent but there was this issue.  I was not his type anyway, so he is out of the picture. However, this problem still needs to be addressed. I also dated someone for a few months and he, also, talked about himself only. Was thinking of seeking professional help with this one since it is common. Thought of saying, if it comes up again, "How about we spend the time we have dividing the conversation between half of the time about you and half about me?” Is this a realistic tactic or should I just write the person off? 

Please advise.

Jackie

Dear Jackie,
Did I ever tell you about the time that I was out with this woman from JDate? We had talked on the phone for a little bit before meeting, did a bunch of IMing, but when we went for drinks, she must have had a three hour monologue prepared. I couldn’t get in a word edgewise. The fact that I ended up making out with her that night couldn’t disguise my utter contempt for her disinterest in me. Her four minute long voice mail when I never called again was an instant classic.

And then there was the time that I met a JDate girl on the phone who had recently broken up with her boyfriend of six years. And when I asked her if she was really ready to date, she gave me a very detailed explanation. It was more of a dissection, really, of everything that went wrong between the two of them. Finally, when I sensed that my “uh-huhs” and “yeahs” didn’t seem to matter much, I put down the phone and went into the bathroom. From there, I proceeded to take off my clothes, brush my teeth, wash my face, take out my contacts and return to the phone, where this poor woman was STILL talking about the demise of her relationship. I never ended up making out with her, since I told her that I put down the phone on her. True story.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you ask a question? That was so rude of me.

So enough about me. What do YOU think about me?

My apologies for all the jokes, Jackie. But what else can you do but laugh when your dates go horribly awry?

Thankfully, you’ve already taken responsibility for your minor part in the bad date; namely, that you shouldn’t even have gone out with the narcissist after your one-sided phone conversations.

But I do think you’re sort of missing it if you’re going to try that clunky line about dividing half of the conversation. Honestly, you’re not splitting a cake here; you’re supposed to be getting to know each other.

Conversation is like a tennis match – it’s back and forth and it takes two people to take a game to the next level. If you’re hitting volleys and he’s hitting the ball to himself, well, it’s no surprise that your matches haven’t been particularly memorable.

But you already know this. What you may not have considered is that good conversationalists aren’t necessarily the best talkers. They’re the best listeners. And sometimes, by being a good listener, and asking the right questions, you can create an opening for your date to be a better listener as well….

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Dear Evan,

I have been dating this guy for 6 months and I think I am pregnant. He has picked up on it and is extremely happy. He talks about it a lot. I haven’t done a test yet because I have only felt this way for 4-5 days. He is 36 and no kids and has never been married. I have an 8 year old daughter and am divorced. We have touched on the surface of marriage before and talked about it. I guess my question is how can I tell if I am pregnant that he is marrying me for me or because I am going to have his baby?

He was in a relationship before me that lasted for 5 years and they broke up. He has been apart from her for up to a year. I just want to know that he is marrying me for the right reasons. We both have talked about having kids together and marriage some. My first marriage we got married because I was pregnant and I don’t want to fall in that trap again. My daughter is my life and I only want the best for us all.

Lisa

The unusually good news that’s being lost in your email is this:

The man who got you pregnant is extremely happy and wants to marry you.

Do you know how many pregnant women pray for such a man?

You didn’t twist his arm. You didn’t threaten him with child support. You didn’t give him any ultimatums. It sounds to me like you had an accident and this guy is deciding to treat it as a happy accident.

But your question is a good one, as it touches on something more universal than being pregnant.

How do you know WHY someone wants to be with you?

What’s interesting is that some people, like you, care about a person’s motivation. Others are more concerned with the end result. “I’m gonna have a ring on my finger? Sweet. Where do I sign up?”

I think the arenas in which this question of motivation surfaces most often are with beautiful women and wealthy men.

There are women who’d be appalled at being considered a trophy wife, yet there are those who readily (greedily?) embrace the role. There are men who refuse to list their incomes when registering on dating sites, yet there are those who willingly flaunt their credentials on WealthyMen and MillionaireMatch. None of these people can ever be sure if someone is enamored with them or their tangible assets.

The real question for these people is whether it matters.Motivation matters for most of us. We want to be loved, respected and accepted for who we are. We have a ton of flaws and it’s wonderful when we can find someone who will put up with them. Of course, we don’t spend much time thinking about our own issues. Instead, we focus on the problems in the people we date. All of us want someone who is attractive, kind, honest, successful, generous, fit, creative, and low-maintenance – even if we are not all of those things ourselves.

This is why we’re still single.

But a few people have a trump card, which, in certain cases, can override all of their flaws. If a man is rich enough or a woman is beautiful enough, he or she can often get away with being less kind, self-aware, communicative, and emotionally accessible….

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Dear Evan,

Have had the most exciting relationship in years with a girl named Tonja. We truly have/had a wonderful relationship that was progressing magically. But Tonja had her heart broken 3 months before by a prior love named Chris. After seeing that Tonja had moved on and was apparently SO happy, he began calling, stopping by, texting, emailing, etc. Tonja told me about it but after some time she became confused and felt like she now had strong feelings for the both of us.

What’s the right thing to do in this situation? Pull back and give her space with the risk of losing her forever (or at least until this relationship fails again with Chris) or fight like hell to win/keep her in my favor? There are other dating "experts" out there that go from one extreme (i.e. NO contact for a month and make her miss you) to others that recommend the flowers, cards, phone calls, compliments, reminders of special times. Right now, Tonja is on the fence and cries everytime she sees me but seems to be gravitating toward him. What is the right thing to do? I AM MISERABLE!!!

Dan

Dear Dan,

Tonja doesn’t love you.

Hate to be the one to tell you, but, well, you did ask.

And even if she does love you – even if your relationship was as great as you said it was – you’re clearly ignoring some pretty big stuff.

Namely, that Tonja is a terrible girlfriend.

Now don’t get all defensive on me. I’m sure she’s a charmer. But it seems to me that there are a few things that are supposed to differentiate a girlfriend. Here’s a very simple list I came up with:

• A girlfriend is committed to you.

• A girlfriend tries to make you happy.

• A girlfriend makes you feel special.

• A girlfriend spends a lot of time with you.

• A girlfriend sleeps with you.

• A girlfriend allows you to feel vulnerable and safe at the same time.

Okay, so if that’s what a good girlfriend does, let’s look at what a bad girlfriend does. Just for the hell of it, let’s name her “Tonja”.

A bad girlfriend…

• Responds repeatedly to emails, calls, and texts by an ex-boyfriend.

• Maintains feelings for an ex-boyfriend while she’s supposedly in a committed relationship.

• Makes her ex-boyfriend seem like more of an attractive option than her current boyfriend.

• Cries every time she sees her current boyfriend.

Are you seeing it yet, Dan?

You have a bad girlfriend….

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This concept was liberally borrowed from Esquire’s 10 Things You Don’t Know About Women. It’s not relationship advice. It’s light comedy, built heavily on cliche and stereotypes. The readers at Yahoo! nearly crashed their comments section with their thoughts on either how amusing or how offensive this is. If you’re in the second category, you should probably not be reading this blog. Really. I won’t take it personally.

Anyway, here are 12 Things Women May Not Want to Know About What Men Think…

1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It’s not just futile, it’s physically impossible.
2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we’re even dumb enough to admit it.
3. Don’t ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.
4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.
5. Ever notice how we don’t fight with our male friends? That’s why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.
6. You care what you’re wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you’re naked when you open the front door, you won’t hear an argument from us.
7. You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we’re all over it.
8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.
9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.
10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!
11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn’t mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.
12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend’s a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who’s giving you advice about the jerk.)

To read this live on Yahoo!, please click here: 11 Things Women Don’t Know About Men 

What I’d really like are thoughts from men on what else women need to know about us, and thoughts from women on things men should know about what you secretly think.

Fire away. You won’t be judged here.

Dear Evan

1. Should a person send a follow-up email to someone they have written to before and not heard from?
2: What do you think of expressing in ones profile that you prefer emails to winks?

Thank you so much for your encouragement and help in our searches.

Ynez

Dear Ynez,

Allow me to answer your second question first, because it’s a lot quicker:

No. Don’t express in your profile that you prefer emails to winks. You wanna know why?

1) EVERYBODY prefers emails to winks. So, in essence, you’re saying something as clichéd as “I like to laugh” or “I want a man who’s honest”. It’s a pointless point, and is one that’s bound to be ignored.

2) The fact that he winks instead of taking the time to write to you speaks volumes about him. A wink says either that he’s lazy, he’s illiterate, or, more likely, that he’s winking at 50 people at a time to see who responds to him. He may actually be a decent guy – but he’s a decent guy who is pretty indiscriminate about the women he contacts. Proceed with caution.

3) I just think it’s in poor form to tell anyone what to do. “Nobody over the age of 40! No cheaters or liars! Nobody who has addiction issues!” Feel free to ignore anyone who doesn’t meet your criteria, Ynez – including your desire to be emailed – but please, don’t issue demands in your profile.

Next…

I have two (and maybe even three) answers to your query about sending a follow-up email. One set of rules applies to men, another applies to women. And yes, there’s a logical explanation for this double standard.

Women have the simpler answer. No, you shouldn’t send a follow-up email to a guy if he hasn’t written back. It’s not that it’s impossible that he was busy, or accidentally deleted your email, or had an emotional crisis that caused him to abandon dating for awhile. Rather, it’s that, 99 times out of 100, a guy who doesn’t write back to you is a guy who isn’t attracted to you. If he is attracted to you but is dating other people, he’ll get back to you eventually, without any additional prodding on your part.

Men are faced with a different dilemma. Why are there different rules for men and women? Because women – especially younger women – receive infinitely more emails than men. Think about it: If a guy is doing great, he might get ten emails – and can manage to respond to the three or four attractive women in his inbox. If a woman is doing great, she might get 50 emails, or 150 emails, or 400 emails. Which means that there are definitely some quality guys who don’t get through the first screening process

I remember meeting a woman on Match.com in 2002. We dated for six weeks and I remember asking her about her experience. She told me that she received over 500 emails in her first week. How many guys did she write back to? Five. That’s 495 guys who got silence in return for their emails. This reinforces why women are NOT obliged to write back polite rejection letters AND it reinforces why just because older men want attractive young women, they are unlikely to get a letter back. If she has 500 potential future spouses in the mix, why would she date a guy fifteen years older? She could date a guy that’s just as successful and kind, but closer to her age. And she usually will. Doesn’t mean she’s bad. Just means she has choices. See my blog post “As Valuable as Your Options” if this isn’t clear to you.

But back to my point. …

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Let’s just say that if I could bottle and sell this, I’d be one rich dude.

All the men in the pick-up artist (PUA) community have tried to turn it into a science. Depending on whether you’re reading David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss’ The Game, or The Mystery Method, you’re going to hear various versions of the same themes. You have to be cocky. You have to have a sense of humor. You have to keep her off-balance by putting her down and showing her you’re in control. This blog post isn’t about arguing these points, although I think there’s definitely something to the first two.

But one thing I rarely hear from men who advise men is something I hear all the time from women.

Show me a man who is PASSIONATE and PROFICIENT at what he does.

Those are two separate ideas, so let’s not conflate them.

Passion is all about effort and energy and devotion. It’s about living, breathing, and embodying something. It’s about being so immersed in a subject that one can’t tell where it begins and you end.

A writer who comes home from his day job to squeeze in two hours of creative thought before meeting his girlfriend for dinner? Passionate.

A swimmer who wakes up at 5:30am every day to train for the Olympics? Passionate

Those weird kids that memorize the dictionary for the national spelling bee? Passionate

The flip side of the passion coin are people who are truly gifted but squander their gifts due to indifference, fear, or laziness. For example:

The musician who wants to be in a band, but refuses to answer ads to audition.

The entrepreneur who has an amazing business idea but won’t share his idea to begin developing it.

The woman who would love to be a party planner but won’t apprentice on the side to learn the craft.

Notice the word “but” in each sentence. “But” is merely an excuse that we believe is reasonable. When you remove the “but”, no excuse is reasonable. Unreasonable people are the one who move mountains.

Reasonable people can always find a reason to say “why not”. Such people don’t command respect.

Passionate people do.

Except in one instance. There’s a type of passionate person who, despite their love and drive, fails to inspire others around them. This is the passionate person who’s not very skilled.

Hate to say it, but just ‘cause you love doing something doesn’t mean you’re good at it….

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Evan,

What are your thoughts of this "timing issue" following a long term marriage, as in when to begin dating again?

Eliza

Dear Eliza,

Sorry to say, but there’s not really a one-size-fits-all answer to this question.

Consider the number of variables involved in answering:

Are there children involved?

Was the divorce amicable and are both parties on good terms?

Are you actively involved in each others’ lives as “friends”?

Do you still want to get back together with your ex? Does he still want to get back together with you?

How long were you married?

How long was the relationship failing before you broke up?

You see how all of these things can radically impact your decision as to when to get back out there? And I don’t know the first thing about you or your individual circumstances.

But I thought it was an important question, which is why I want to analyze it with you.

The only “right” answer is “whenever it feels right, as long as you’re not hurting anybody else”. The thing is: you might be surprised when you’re hurting someone else. Especially since it’s not your intention.

The best example I can provide is from my own life. Had a girlfriend whom I loved. She dumped me pretty suddenly. I was devastated. But what could I do? I couldn’t convince her to take me back, so I did what I do best – I went back online – literally MINUTES after I returned home from the teary breakup.

Now, in some respects, this made sense, in that I wasn’t going wallow in misery and think about what I did wrong or how I could fix things. I made the conscious decision to move on instantly. To me, it was the equivalent of being fired from a job. You don’t sit around for six months waiting to heal. You go out and get another job. On the other hand, there are a completely different set of emotions surrounding a break-up. And while I WANTED to be ready to date, and definitely had the online dating skill set to be ready to date, I was not emotionally ready to date. Not at all. So what did that mean for me?

Well, it pretty much meant that I got back on JDate, found myself a cool girl a few hours later and was hooking up with her shortly thereafter. She was great. Three years later, we’re still friends and grab dinner once a month. But I never gave her the opportunity she deserved to have all of me. I was raw. I was closed. I was needy. I was in no position to be a boyfriend to anyone but my beloved ex-girlfriend. And it was completely unfair to her. My need to move on superseded her need to be with an emotionally available guy….

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Dear Evan,

Why are most men the same man… just in different vessels?

Kami

This question was sent to me by a friend as a joke, which is exactly why I’m printing it here.

There is that perception that “men” are one way, and “women” are another. Most people focus almost exclusively on these stereotypes and find evidence to support them.

So, if we listen to conventional wisdom, what do we know about men? Well…

Men are liars
Men are fools
Men are dangerous
Men are idiots
Men are pigs

You know how I got these nuggets of wisdom about men?

Google. IMDB. Amazon.

Look around. You’ll see.

These are concepts – book titles, even – that only go to reinforce our basest stereotypes. And the danger of stereotypes is not that they’re false – but rather in believing that they’re always true.

And if such stereotypes are to be roundly believed, what do they tell us about men?

Men cannot be trusted.
Men are lazy and can’t multi-task
Men are prone to violence
Men are likely to be unfaithful
Men don’t have feelings and don’t express themselves
Men want sex all the time
Men treat women poorly

If you’re a woman, you have probably met a man who was an uncommunicative, sex-obsessed liar.

But I’m wondering if you’ve ever met a man who:

Treated you extremely well
Consistently told you how he felt
Wasn’t as into sex as you were
Never cheated on you
Kept his word when he made a promise
Led a balanced life with work, friends, and cultural interests

I’m guessing you have.

And let’s not forget women’s stereotypes, also found in Google:

Women are evil…

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