My girlfriend is extraordinary.

If I wasn’t too afraid of embarrassing her, I’d post the list I wrote for our six-month anniversary, “100 Things I Love About My Girlfriend”.

Fine, twist my arm. Here are just three things that make her special:

• She’s amazing at meeting people at a party where she knows no one.
• She’s grateful for what she has, instead of clamoring for what she doesn’t.
• She squeaks when I rub my hand up her arm.

But what makes her particularly unusual is that she handles me perfectly. It was as if she read a handbook on how to be the ideal girlfriend and executed it to a T.

And while I could sit here and yap about what I think she does so well, I thought it would be much more valuable to ask her if there was a method to her madness, a secret to her success.

So, Girlfriend, what is it that you do that makes me want to never let you go?

This is how she responded.

================================

When Evan first threw out the idea of having me contribute to his blog, I thought, “Who, me? I’m not the expert!”

My dating history could not be more different than his. He has dated LOTS of women, has had many girlfriends and, for the bulk of his adult life, has been single and dating prolifically. I am quite the opposite. I can count on one hand (yes, ONE hand) the number of boyfriends I’ve had since turning 17. Of those relationships, all but one lasted for 3 years or more, and one developed into a marriage that, alas, ended in divorce. You might call me a Serial Monogamist.

Even though my background is completely different from Evan’s, we generally agree on the things that count. I never really thought about why it’s been so easy for us until he asked me to write this column. But after a little thinking – and some lengthy conversations with my best friend – this is what I came up with. I hope it makes sense to any relationship-minded females who are reading this.

So here goes…

Advice from a Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend

Don’t Cry Wolf

“Women are crazy.”

How many times have you heard this from your mate, your brother, or a guy friend?

I’ve heard it more than I care to admit, and, sadly, I can’t entirely refute it. The fact that we are more in touch with our feelings means that sometimes our emotions get the best of us. It’s natural. And, yet, do we have to let that happen all the time? Do the men in our lives have to walk on eggshells in fear that something they say will set us off? Do they have to always be extra cautious in case we start yelling, crying, or giving them the silent treatment?

If something bothers us in the relationship, it makes sense to let them know. But what if we were to “emote” every time a little thing rubs us the wrong way? Then when something important comes along and we are justified in being a little emotional, he will not take it seriously. Men literally become desensitized to our emotional outbursts. So rather than him saying, “Honey, what did I do that upset you?”, instead he thinks, “Here we go again, another dose of the crazy.”…

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Evan,

About once or twice a year, I find myself in the position of coaching a female friend through the disappointment of a failed relationship that we all knew was coming. The reason we all knew it was coming? He’d unequivocally stated from the very beginning: “I’m not ready for a commitment at this point in my life. I’m too busy with work/school/exploring my bachelorhood/getting over my ex”. For whatever reason, I repeatedly see my women friends accepting the man’s terms and pretending they’re ok with the arrangement. While they’re in the happy stage of the relationship, they declare with satisfaction: “we’re having so much fun” or “he brings out this new, exciting side of me” or “he’s so affectionate” or “he wants to do something every weekend with me”. (I think, in their minds, they’re seeing this as evidence of an emerging commitment.)

Continue Reading »

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Hi Evan,

This guy I had been talking to for the past couple of weeks called me last weekend. That day we agreed to go out that night. We planned to go out at 5:00. He left me a voice message around 3:00 saying that he was not going to make it at 5:00 and could he call me later. He has a heavy Dominican Republic accent so I couldn’t understand the whole message.  I don’t have is phone number but I do have is email address so, I emailed him saying I couldn’t really understand it. I waited for him to call for a couple of hours then I went out. He didn’t call me until 8:00. He left another message saying “I said could we make it later”. I didn’t call him back. He is one of my vendors where I work so I see him just about everyday. I saw him that Monday and he never brought up that night. I saw him on that Tuesday and again he didn’t bring it up. I also saw him on Wednesday. Wednesday night he called me.

I didn’t answer the phone he just said that he would see me tomorrow.  My question is: should I give him another chance? I would think if he really liked me that he would have been there at 5:00 the first time we agreed to meet. He never told me why he didn’t call until 8:00. Just some reason I couldn’t make it. We have been talking again but I’m not sure if I should waste my time. He asked me if we could try going out again and I told him yes.

Meighan

Dear Meighan,

Some random thoughts before we begin:

You were going out with a guy at 5pm on a Saturday night?

You were going out with a guy whom you can’t understand when he speaks?

You were going out with a guy who pretended for three days that he didn’t flake on you?

Okay, now that we have that all cleared up, let’s get to the meat of your question: should you give him another chance?

Yeah. Why not?

While I think it would be really easy to say from afar, “He’s just not that into you”, there’s nothing that confirms it definitively.

The fact is, he DID call you at 3 to tell you he couldn’t make it on time.

He DID call you at 8 to get together.

And he DID call you again on Wednesday to try and reschedule.

Sounds to me like a guy who is genuinely interested in you. Non-interested guys don’t follow up like that. They put you off until the very last minute and text you at 11pm to see if you’re around. It’s the least effort for the greatest return.

Still, I would proceed with caution, if only due to the fact that he was too immature to deal with the communication breakdown quickly. There’s nothing wrong with going out with an immature and unpredictable guy, per se. It’s getting your hopes up that is the great danger.

So for now, suspend judgment and see how he follows through on future dates – how quickly he calls, emails and texts to set up the next one. If he steps up and acts like a man, you won’t even remember that he screwed up on your first date.

Just don’t count on it.

A few years ago, I went out with a woman three times in a couple of weeks. We had great chemistry, and despite the fact that I was a customer service representative at JDate pulling in barely $30K, I’d paid for everything. First date was $60. Second date was $90. The third date was brunch the morning after the second date. She’d ordered a dozen bagels and then realized she’d forgotten her wallet. No big deal. An innocent mistake. She generously offered to pick up our next date. 

She called me at work the following day to tell me of a play that sounded like fun. She said she was busy at work and asked if I could find out if there were tickets available. No problem. I called the theater and learned there were only six left. What’s a guy to do? No big deal, I bought a pair of tickets and figured she’d pick up dinner before we went out. 

After our $40 meal, she put down her credit card and went to the bathroom. When she came back, she noticed that I didn’t put in my credit card to pick up or split the check. Upon which she glared at me and said, with a ton of venom and not a shred of irony: "What am I, your sugar mama?!"

Yeah, being a guy isn’t always the most rewarding thing in the world. But what are you gonna do? I’ve stopped wondering about what’s "fair" and have decided to embrace the system I’ve inherited. In this system, a guy pays unquestionably, and if a woman offers to pay, he is supposed to say no. At least on the first few dates. Or as long as she’s being courted. Or maybe always. It depends on the woman. We can never know unless we let down our guard and allow her to pick up a check. And by then, it’s often too late to justify your behavior.

This is a quandary all right and there is no one right answer. Until now. As your friendly neighborhood single dating coach, I’m going to give you the definitive rulebook on how to negotiate this tricky territory, once and for all….

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I am a 33 year old woman and I work as a Clinical Manager for a TMJ doctor. I have a 10 year old daughter who lives with me, and a 13 year old son who lives with his father. I travel twice a month to meet him half way to drop off/pick up one of our children.

I haven’t met a man in over 3 years, unless I am late up one night chatting on MySpace. And even then, I am not so inclined to go and actually meet them.

I don’t like the club scene, and I do not trust my family’s judgment when it comes to setting me up.

I began to date one of my friends around October of ‘06, and well, he has TOO MUCH BAGGAGE! And he won’t let it go.

And it’s true, I did want to be with him because it was much more simple to be with him than looking for someone new. Also, I have to admit the sex was okay, until he went all religious on me and "SEX IS A SIN" came out of his mouth. (I thought it was the woman’s role to say that).

I thought I wanted to be with this man, but his negative outlook on love and life brought me down. I was more depressed than when my ex-husband left me for someone else. (That is a HUGE story…look for my book) (Just kidding about the book)

But how does someone (ME) look for a good man? I have heard to just wait and it will happen. I have been divorced 8 years. I haven’t lived with a man since I was married. I have only dated men, and well, as far as relationships go, I guess you can say I haven’t really had one.

I know there are good men out there, but with my schedule, how do I start?

Cheeky

Dear Cheeky,

I’ve written about this very issue before, but not on this blog. So I’m reprinting that material (originally found on Yahoo! Personals) below, with a little post-script for you afterwards. The statistics in this article come from Harlequin Books’ Romance Report, for which I was the spokesperson in 2006.

Meeting new people, especially those who actually pique our interest, is a challenge for most of us. We may all hope to stumble upon our perfect match in a serendipitous twist of fate, but as an online dating coach my work has led me to agree that it doesn’t always work that way. In fact, finding that combination of best friend, lover and partner-in-crime is about the hardest thing in the world.

So, how should you go about it?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

An impressive 85 percent of men and women said they do not have trouble meeting people. Yet, two thirds (61 percent) admit to not following their instincts when first encountering someone to whom they are attracted.

When you’re unemployed, you do everything in your power to find a job. Why? Because finding a job is vital. Yet, when you’re single you…wait for the right person to trip over you on the street? Your love life should be just as important as your professional life. The same energy and effort you put into finding work should be put into finding love.

Making an effort to create more encounters, whether they are online or in person, doesn’t mean you’re desperate and it doesn’t diminish your vibrant single life. It’s simply about creating time to search for love — and it is a search. So many people want to cut to the chase and just find someone, like turning over a rock and finding a golden nugget. In fact, the quest for love is far more like panning and prospecting – a lot of effort, not as much immediate reward. The point is, there’s always the potential to hit it big.

Missed encounters?

When asked what’s preventing them from meeting the right person, men and women agree that: “no time” (38 percent) ranks highest, followed by “no good places to meet” (28 percent) and then “all the good ones are taken” (20 percent).

Spending 60 hours a week at the office may pad the bank account, but it also creates a few problems. You have less time at night to go out. You spend your weekends running errands. You barely have any spare time to catch up with your friends and family. While you can’t change your lifestyle cold-turkey, you do need to create space for the encounters that may change your life.

If you work in a big office, social opportunities abound, and if they don’t, you can create them. Your colleagues probably feel isolated as well and would jump at the chance to blow off some steam at a happy hour or a softball game. Putting out the vibe that you want to be social will attract similarly social colleagues. Plus, making new friends at the office opens up worlds that you couldn’t possibly foresee: card games, pick-up basketball, dinner parties – all just by being proactive about your social life at work.

The one that got away

Nearly 40 percent (38 percent) of both men and women say that they’ve turned someone down and regretted it later.

For those who protest that they literally have no time for anything beyond working, eating and sleeping, all is not lost. Needless to say, “The One” is not going to bust down your office door, knock on your bedroom window, or show up on your doorstep out of the blue. You must be open about the fact that you are single and looking, even when you’re not actively looking. Tell everyone that you trust — your friends, your coworkers, your hairdresser — that you’d like to be fixed up. Contact a matchmaker in your area. Or, easiest of all, post a profile on an online dating site.

Whether you spend an hour a day or an hour a month browsing the personals, at least you’re making an effort. The kind of chance encounters we see in the movies are amazing, but they’re rare and certainly not the only way to meet someone.

Put yourself out there and see what happens. Look for opportunities to meet new people. A successful encounter can lead to The Coffee Date, The Fling, The Torrid Affair and yes, even, The One. But nothing will ever happen if you don’t take that first step.

To sum up, Cheeky, judging from your email, “just waiting ‘til it happens” isn’t a successful strategy. If love is truly a priority for you, you’re going to have to be more proactive, and probably less judgmental as well. That doesn’t mean you have to date a relentlessly negative man who thinks sex is a sin. It does mean a reality check, however….

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Evan,

I recently read your blog entry regarding dating non conversationalists. I consider myself a very outgoing person, and can usually carry on a conversation with anyone. My problem is that I freeze up when I talk to guys. I can’t seem to come up with anything to say, I become shy, quiet and introverted. I think it is that I am afraid to look or say something "un-cool". I had a little self confidence until a few years ago, and didn’t "date" anyone until I was 23. I feel like I am now going through what most people go through in High School or College, but at a later time.

Is this a common problem? If so, any advice on how to overcome dating shyness?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

There is never MORE to talk about than when you know absolutely NOTHING about someone.

However, your question is an important one, because it’s something that my coaching clients ask me somewhat regularly.

”What should I talk about?”

And, as I see it, unless you’ve already covered the topics of his work, his family, where he lives, how long he’s lived there, what he aspires to, how he enjoys dating, and his various tastes in movies, literature, music, and travel, you should probably have plenty to say. Especially if he’s kind enough to ask you a few questions as well.

Granted, I have a little diarrhea of the mouth and could probably use a few kicks under the table to shut me up at times. But the point remains the same. You can talk about pretty much ANYTHING on a date. Yes to politics. Yes to religion. Yes to sex. Yes to ex-boyfriends. As long as you’re not putting down another’s opinion, or pining for a former lover, you should be pretty safe.

As you can tell from your own expreience, the worst thing you can do is worry about what you’re going to say. Fear being uncool, and you may actually become uncool. The coolest people I know are those comfortable in their own skin. Nerds who embrace being nerds? Very cool. Average guy posing as a "cool" guy? Uncool.

And let’s face it: occasionally you’ll stick your foot in your mouth and say something stupid. That’s life. You just need the confidence to play it off afterwards. Hell, that’s what always kept me going. I can literally write a book on all the foolish things I’ve said or done on dates, and I’m sure my ex’s can write another two volumes about my idiocy. All you can do is recognize your mistakes and attempt not to repeat them. Just know that the more you tie yourself up with worry, the less likely you are to be your authentic self. I can’t help but to think of a baseball player overthinking a big at-bat, or an actor freezing on an audition. The only way to succeed in something this visceral is to turn off your brain and get out of your own way.

This reminds me of a personal anecdote. It was 2004. My first book had come out and a Match.com prospect had gone out to get it in advance. Research, I suppose. When we were talking on the phone prior to our first date, she confessed that she was really nervous about meeting.

“Don’t you get nervous before a date?” she asked.

I paused for a second, considering.

“No…actually I don’t.”

I thought about it some more.

“I just figure that if I’m being myself on the date, and you don’t like me, there’s not much I can do about it. Why spend any time worrying beforehand?”

And it’s true. Worrying has never helped anybody become a better date. Being on time does. Asking questions does. Staying positive does. But what can I possibly gain by going into the experience like I’m a nervous college graduate interviewing for a job?

My advice to you, Jessica, is to create a subtle shift in your thinking. Instead of thinking that you’re the nervous college graduate, pretend that you’re the boss – confident, secure, not determined to impress. Trust me, you’ll be more impressive.

The best advice I can give about how to "be" on a date is this: Think about the people in the world with whom you’re most comfortable. Your mom, your high school friend, your sister, whatever. How are you when you’re around them? Comfortable. Honest. Vulnerable. Silly. Real. Try bringing that same persona and energy to a date. If that’s you at your best, why would you choose to be any other way ?

I know there’s a big difference between talking the talk and walking the walk, but I’m telling you – if you go into each date with the assumption of success, you’re more likely to have real success.

Dear Evan,

I’ll start from the beginning. I met this girl 11 months ago when she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me the first night we went out together on my birthday and we were together everyday for 10 1/2 months. She felt guilty for what she did to him throughout the whole relationship but gave me a chance. 6 months ago, we started fighting what seemed like everyday. She broke up with a month ago because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and because of her ex. 2 weeks ago, she called me while I was at work to tell me that she had agreed to go back out with him. Last weekend I was desperate to see her while she was on vacation in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. I had a cute idea of going down there from King of Prussia, PA with flowers and no idea of what to say to her when I saw her except to reconsider her relationship with her boyfriend. I asked her mom for directions and her mom refused to be a part of my idea. When she came back, her parents sat her down and forbade her to talk or see me. She told me this and I panicked. I sent her 2 dozen flowers and a teddy bear, which her mom refused the package. I picked up the package and decided to deliver it myself.

But when I showed up, her mom called the police on me. I’m not allowed to call her house or come to see her unless she agrees to meet me elsewhere. I know this sounds ridiculous but I still love her. I want what I can’t have and I have done just about everything wrong in a relationship you could without cheating on her. The day I sent her flowers, she called me crying to tell me she wasn’t the one who refused the gifts and that she didn’t want to do this, but that we wouldn’t work out, considering she has a boyfriend now and doesn’t want to hurt him and doesn’t want to disobey her parents. She agreed to meet up with me the other night to tell me the same thing, but I was so happy to see her, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I have since then written her a poem called "Angel in my Bed" and today is her birthday. I’m not allowed to see her and I have a diamond ring waiting for her. I know it was wrong for me to get a promise ring for someone who doesn’t want to be with me but I get so irrational when it comes to her. I guess that’s why I have lost her. But please help me anyway that you can.

Matt

Dear Matt,

There is only one way to tackle this letter, and that’s line by line. Please reserve judgment until the very end – where Matt explodes from embarrassment at his lovelorn behavior.

I met this girl 11 months ago when she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me the first night we went out together on my birthday.

Okay, STOP!

Not that everyone who has ever cheated deserves to wear a scarlet letter, but let’s just say that infidelity is not the most promising start to a relationship.

She felt guilty for what she did to him throughout the whole relationship but gave me a chance.

That’s sweet of her. When does the Vatican finally approve her for sainthood?

6 months ago, we started fighting what seemed like everyday. She broke up with a month ago because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and because of her ex. 2 weeks ago, she called me while I was at work to tell me that she had agreed to go back out with him.

You’re fighting.

She broke up with you.

She didn’t want to be in a relationship.

She went back to her ex-boyfriend, whom she prefers over you.

This is sounding suspiciously like Dan’s painful email to me last month, in which I let him know that his girlfriend WASN’T HIS GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE. It’s amazing how guys are the last to realize this….

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Evan,

Currently, I am using online dating to meet new prospects, though I choose not to date anyone who is going through divorce. I am divorced and have been for two years and am of the opinion that there is too much other stuff going on in one’s life during a divorce to date, as well. Also, it seems that about 40% of the men who state they are divorced are actually still going through the process. Lying from the start just cannot be good.

That stated, I have come up to some heavy objection from both family and friends – hence I’m here. They have given many examples of relationships that began quickly after a separation/break-up, so I am beginning to wonder if I am selling myself short – being too rigid. 

As a dating coach/expert, what do you think of the idea of dating someone who is still in the process of divorce? Do you advise your clients to take the date or run as quick as possible?  Any advice would be wonderful- thanks in advance for your response!

Sara

Dear Sara,

We all make judgments based on our own experience.

You had too much going on during your divorce to possibly consider dating. Therefore, you seem to think all men should feel the same way.

I assure you, they do not.

But you are correct in proceeding with a sense of caution. Not so much because he’s too busy with lawyers. Not because he listed himself as divorced but is really separated. But, most likely, because he’s still emotionally reeling from the death of his relationship.

I wrote about this extensively here, in a post called “When Do You Begin Dating Again After a Long-Term Relationship or Marriage?”

In it, I concluded that it’s up to the individual. The exact quote was “if you’ve mourned, if you’ve healed, if you’ve made peace – then you’re ready whenever you say you’re ready.”

Allow me to correct myself. This isn’t entirely true.

We often think we’re ready even when we’re not. And just cause you WANT to move on from your previous relationships does not mean you’re really READY to. You’re not ready to give. You’re not ready to compromise. And you’re certainly not ready to love with reckless abandon. Generally, if you’re dating immediately after divorce, you’re hurt, reeling and looking for a safe harbor in the storm that is singledom.

I have a client who went out with a man who was separated. It wasn’t a question of whether he and his wife were going to divorce – the relationship was toxic, the lawyers were in place, it was definitely over. The real concern was whether this guy needed time and space after the demise of his marriage. He assured my client that he didn’t. They fell in love. They were well-matched and perfectly adorable together. Two peas in a pod for eight months. Until he freaked out. He needed space. He thought he was ready for another committed relationship but needed a break before moving ahead. Months of agony ensued. He told her he’d come back after he had time to sort things out. He said he missed her. He said he loved her. She believed him. And it just didn’t matter.

He just wasn’t ready.

This same script, I’m reminded, played out in the life of one of my favorite clients who fell in love with a separated man. He gave a lot to her during their time together, but, when it got right down to it, he really needed to sow his oats for awhile. It’s not that he didn’t care about her; it’s that he wasn’t ready for another commitment so soon after declaring his bachelorhood….

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Dear Evan,

My friend is a very pretty, sweet, nice gal. She’s not an Einstein, not particularly into too many hobbies, slightly reserved, and definitely jaded from being on many bad dates. She’s been on and off JDate a million times, (because I try and convince her that her "one" is on there) and continues to go out with "that" guy who says he’s gonna call but never does. Her previous "relationships" have been with guys where they’ve been into her, slept with her, and called it off anywhere from 3 – 6 months thereafter. And as much as she claims she’s "over" them, somehow, they always pop up in conversation and I wonder why she spends her time pining over these retards.

Worse, I don’t have the heart to tell her everything I think she’s doing wrong in her personal life (I know, buy her your book). But in all seriousness, I sincerely wish I could be that fly on the wall and listen to what she talks about on a first date with a guy. I truly believe she talks about shit that most guys don’t care to hear, which inadvertently becomes the kiss of death.

Evan, I need help here. I need to figure out what to say/do for her because I love her very much and really want to see her happy. She is the sister that I never had, yet I feel so wrong for ever offering her any advice. It’s not like I can tell her "Hey – switch up your personality a bit" – can I? I’ve given her hints here and there, but I don’t know how direct I really am. I made her sign up for your blog hoping that she can read and relate to some of the terrible faux pas people make. Do I kindly suggest her to contact you directly? Is that rude? I support your business and all, just don’t wanna step on any toes.

Thank you for reading this mess (if you’ve actually gotten this far). You rock.

Elise

Dear Elise,

Thanks for the kind words and the business plug. And since your friend has no idea that you’re soliciting help on her behalf, I want to thank you for her as well.

Now that we’re done with the niceties, let’s get down to business.

First, an admission of a great mistake on my part. I wrote a book, which, quite seriously, CANNOT BE GIVEN AS A GIFT.

Just listen to the title:

“Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad”

What a supremely stupid idea. Literally, the only way that this book can be handed to someone else is with the admission that you’ve already read it and found it useful.

Otherwise, it becomes the very blunt tool that the book’s title warns against. Your friends WILL get mad if you give them this book. Especially if they wouldn’t be inclined to pick it up themselves. So how do you help someone who isn’t necessarily looking for help?

Well, let’s parallel this situation with a metaphor.

You notice your friend is looking a little thick around the middle. She’s probably 25 pounds above her ideal weight. Do you:

Only take her to vegan restaurants and hope she picks up the habit?

Hint that you were thinking of taking a power walk every day after work?

Tell her that she might want to consider doing the Atkins diet with you?

Sign her up for a one-year membership at the gym without her permission?

Depending on your level of closeness, and your own gluttony for punishment, you’re going to choice either a, b, or c. Of course, d is the best thing for her. But if I’ve learned one thing as a coach, it’s that I can’t help someone who doesn’t specifically desire my help….

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Dear Evan,

A little history…I’m 28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home. He is 37, divorced with one teenage kid that he sees every other weekend. Here is my dilemma…. I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to him or the fact that he’s a good guy.

You wait and pray for there to be a good guy left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find him boring or at least not challenging.

What is that? Am I crazy?

He is completely into me. Calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc. We’ve been dating two months. We don’t get too much opportunity to spend alone time so we’ve only slept with each other twice. It was okay, not mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. He’s relatively attractive but not my usual type or taste.

Am I being picky? Any other woman would think he is a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get into him.

He’s completely fallen for me, thinks I’m strong, independent, beautiful, good mom, etc. wants to make me happy and for me to be his "girlfriend" and I can just tell the L word is coming along any day now. I can just tell and trust me, I’m not wrong on this.

Another bit of history…

So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him. That is – the complete opposite of me. I like my space and I don’t care if I never see you again. Guys come and go but my family, especially my kids, are forever. It’s one of the mottos I live by. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. A guy in my life is "nice to have" but by no means a need. I think I’m a challenge for him, which is fine. But on my side of things it’s too easy.

From experience, happily ever after doesn’t exist. Sure everyone puts their best foot forward when they’re dating but who’s to say he’ll stay like that? Am I just jaded and not giving him a real chance? Or is just the reverse that I’m just not into him? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Can you give some advice on this? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you.

Diana

Dear Diana,

I can only imagine that thousands of women were reading your post and nodding along at the familiarity of your situation.

It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.

As I see it, you’re asking a few separate questions here. Let’s break them down separately, so hopefully you can find a little clarity – or, more likely, validation, for how you feel.

Question 1: Am I crazy?

No, Diana. You’re not crazy. You may be confounding to men, but you’re definitely not crazy and definitely not wrong….

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