Okay, Evan, here goes. I find men and they want to get serious right away, i.e. marriage! I have been divorced for 18 years. I was married for 13. I am alone, my daughter is grown. I love doing my own thing, such as watching a race, rather than doing what HE wants to do. I know it is selfish, but yet I keep them hanging on, hate to let go, and then miss them when they do go!

What is wrong with me? Am I afraid to commit? I don’t want to be alone, but yet I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do. I know, I have to give, and I do. But the way I handle this is by just not answering calls. Caller ID was the best thing that ever could have happened to me! I was engaged 3 times and backed out. I did have one serious relationship for 5 years after my divorce and would have married him, but he left me because I was working for a band and going away on weekends. (I did ask him to go also but he worked a lot). It was too much of an experience for me NOT to do it. Now, I find myself pushing them away when they want to be close and wanting them when they do finally start giving up. HELP.

Barb

Barb,

I know a writer who was aimless in his career. He was a hard worker who had a lot going for him, and after years of toiling away in the wrong jobs, was determined to land the right one. A friend hooked him up with a bigwig in the life insurance biz and he decided to give it a shot. A year later, he quit. Took another job in life insurance. Quit. He continues to look for work in sales and yet I see no indication that anything is going to change.

It’s easy to see that this guy should not be selling life insurance. Yet it’s what he knows; it’s what he thinks he wants. It provides security and comfort and structure. The problem is that it’s ill-fitting. He’s trying fit a square peg in a round hole.

So are you.

Based on what little you shared with me, it seems pretty clear that you think you want a relationship, but you don’t actually want one.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. Being single is great – if you want to be single. The problem is that you – and lots of people – spend their lives chasing things they don’t want.

In failing to clarify our goals, we create a cycle of dissatisfaction and resentment. As stated in this blog entry, happiness is when your goals and actions are aligned. And if your goal is to be free to do whatever you want, whenever you want, guess what?

You’re going to be pretty damn miserable as part of a couple.

No matter what you’re creating, it helps to have a plan. …

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Hi Evan,

I’m new to the online dating thing. So, my questions are these:

(1) You suggested a 6-month subscription to an online dating service. Clearly the odds of success are better the longer you’re out there, but is there anything statistical about that?

(2) What are your thoughts on signing up for one service versus multiple services?

And finally…

(3) Do you think paid services are "better" than free ones (i.e. you get what you pay for)?

 
Tracy

Hey Tracy,

I generally don’t answer three questions for the price of one, but since they’re pretty straightforward and I don’t have to worry about hurting any feelings, I’d figure I’d knock ‘em all out at once.

So, since you’ve already answered your own question for #1, I’m certainly not going to refute you. And while it’s great to be able to back up my big claims with statistics, I’m just gonna go with logic on this one:

While I can’t guarantee the results of six months on Match.com, I can promise that you will ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, 100% NEVER meet a person online if you quit online dating entirely. You can meet him at the grocery store or at a party, but this relies on random happenstance, which, unfortunately, doesn’t yield as many first dates as we’d like.

So, as I see it, even if your chances of meeting Mr. Right on eHarmony are 1 in 100, that’s infinitely better odds than if you’re not on eHarmony.

Detractors will talk about the effort and the frustration and the liars and the rejection – and they’d be right. All I can do is point to the alternative – no dates – as the reason why one must persevere.

Any woman who ever told me that she hated online dating felt justified by her negative experiences. So she opts to have no experiences instead. And while there’s something safe about not dating – no disappointment, heartbreak, and jackasses, to name three things – solitude doesn’t lead one to relationships.

Dating, specifically online dating, does.

So, as I’ve said a thousand times, your job is to be in it for the long haul, instead of thinking that a lone month on a dating site should magically pop out your future spouse. Quitting only guarantees fewer opportunities, and fewer opportunities means fewer chances of meeting “The One”.

Next: one online dating service vs. multiple online dating services. …

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I’d like to hear your take on how a guy can smoothly handle the condom issue early in the dating relationship (assuming things get hot and heavy on the first few dates – before the “safe sex talk” comes up). 

For example, on the first few dates, the guy is not sure if he is going to ‘get lucky’ or not with the woman he’s dating. 

If things start to get intimate early on, the guy is going to look pretty tacky if he just whips a condom out of his pocket when it’s time. The woman would probably think, “The jerk must think I’m always easy – the he put a condom in his pocket EXPECTING sex!”

So what’s he supposed to do to make this go more smoothly? If he just whips out a condom out of his wallet, she’ll probably think he’s looking like the promiscuous high school football star. 

The guy could just not bring condoms on the early dates (so it doesn’t look too obvious that he’s just out for sex), and hope the woman has one in her belongings or at her place. But then the woman could be thinking the guy is not very responsible, and he’s leaving it to her to bring the goods.

Perhaps the guy could put some in his glove compartment and tell her, "Hey, I didn’t know we were going to get intimate on this 1st (or 2nd) date, but I do have a condom in my glove compartment, I think."  It would chill the sudden hot intimacy while he has to dash out to his car, but how else does a guy not look like a jerk in this whole process if things get unexpectedly sexual early on? 

Thanks.

Jim

Dear Jim,

First off, kudos to you for asking this. It’s not only a fun question, but an original one, as well.

Second, you’ve clearly thought this through, although I’m quite sure I don’t agree with your final conclusion.

Dashing to the car to retrieve a rubber from the glove compartment? I know you were going for some sort of compromise between prepared and unprepared, but this isn’t it. Might as well turn on Jay Leno and pour two glasses of milk, because your mood has already been ruined.

So let’s discuss the two alternatives you brought up and allow me to counter with one that you don’t seem to have considered.

You’re right about the perception of the guy who carries the condom in his wallet. I did it myself for years and got nothing out of it, except for a bunch of wallets with raised ring outlines. And, as you acknowledged, it comes off as a bit too slick and tacky. While being prepared is usually a good idea, the negative connotations outweigh the benefits of preparedness.

The other idea you came up with is not bringing condoms on dates, in hopes that the woman is prepared. This is a far better scenario, and I don’t believe that it indicates that you’re not responsible. Rather, it indicates that you didn’t expect to be in the position to have sex.

But what I want to posit with the rest of this post is a mind-blowing new take for men on how to deal with sex and early-phase dating.

Don’t do it….

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Dear Evan,

I’m in my early thirties and recently married. I’d consider me and my female friends to be very independent by nature. We received good educations, advanced in our careers and had the moxie to travel far off the beaten path. Quite a few of these girlfriends are now at that stage where they’re moving in with or getting engaged to their significant others. Being at this point in our lives has led me to make an observation:

For all the effort we women put into finding a mate (and I was no exception), it seems that life becomes a little dull for a girl once her match has been made.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He’s my best friend. It’s just that, before I found him, life felt full of possibilities. I do still try to mix things up. I’ve just started training for my first triathlon. I enrolled in new subjects at the local college. And yet, overall, it seems my life course has been charted. Focus has been set (as in babies & making a bigger/better home for our family) and for the most part, everything seems pretty predictable.

In my girlfriends, I’ve seen various examples of how having a settled lovelife can change you, and not necessarily for the better. One girlfriend, whom I’ve always described as reliable has suddenly become flakey about every activity that doesn’t involve her live-in boyfriend. Another gal pal, who used to be up for any spontaneous adventure, now won’t even agree to a dinner double-date unless it’s at one of a tiny handful of restaurants, her boyfriend being such a picky eater. My friend who used to be one of those women you see jumping around on ESPN in bodybuilding competitions, now physically can’t perform half the fun activities she used to do with me because her fiance’s foot injury has kept them from exercising.

Another friend’s fiance persuaded her to do one of those expensive personal development seminars – you know… one of those $2000 weekends where, once participants "graduate" from the program, their next major "personal development" task is to recruit friends and family to sign up for the next $2000 seminar. Anyway, needless to say, she’s become a bit less interesting to talk to.

I really do GET most of the choices my friends have been making, since I find myself doing uncharacteristic things too for the sake of our relationship. My husband is a solid, affectionate, dependable guy with many things in common with me; he is nevertheless a different person with different interests. Plus, he’s caught up in the same family goals as me, which leaves us less time to relax and have fun together. When you’re married, you just have to put the partnership before oneself in order to make it work. I know it’s absolutely worth it.

It’s just… some days, the tedium gets to me more than on others. It really makes me wonder about how to keep one’s identity intact once you’ve committed to a whole other human being.

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Hi Evan,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy who has only just recently become "too busy" for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay.  Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.

Evan, I am okay with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?

Just Dumped

Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provide the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.

As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:

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As seen on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate:

The question posed to the panel: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”

My answer: 

Sometimes it’s great to be the only guy on the panel.

This is not one of those times.

Because I have to admit, there’s definitely some hypocrisy being exhibited by men here.

We get annoyed when you expect us to read your mind, and we get pissed off when you ask us what we’re thinking. What’s a woman to do? Aren’t relationships all about communication?

Yes. Yes, they are. Which is why one of woman’s greatest challenges is to figure out how to talk to her guy.

A man could nail his foot to the floor when building a deck, or drive two hours off course before he asks for directions, but he’s usually going to do things his way, dammit! This general obstinacy and cluelessness is difficult to contend with if you’re his partner. Because while you’re just asking, “Um, where are we going?”, he’s hearing, “Stop telling me what to do!”

This leaves communicative women in quite a quandary. You want to feel connected; he just wants to be left alone until he’s ready to speak. Problem is that you’re not going to get a guy to speak until he’s ready to speak.

Which is why “What are you thinking right now?” is the worst of all questions. There’s no subtlety, no nuance, no attempt at even engaging him in a related topic to get him to open up.

As Linda Holmes, my co-author in “Why You’re Still Single”, makes an excellent point in a chapter called “My Ear Is Numb”. “Emotionally substantive conversations with men,” she said, “work best as low-pressure, straightforward, not necessarily linear events…While you have the right to ask a guy to sit down and have a conversation on your terms, you should also be willing to talk the way guys often talk with each other; that is, while doing other things.” She suggests that Nintendo and backyard hoops were both invented so that men could talk about their feelings. I would have to agree.

Put another way: A man can’t just go up to a woman and ask her to have sex. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to have sex; it’s that the approach is blunt and ungainly. The same issue arises with a direct question like “What are you thinking?” Women need to time to warm up in bed, men need time to warm up to discuss their innermost thoughts.

Approach your relationship discussions with subtlety and stealth, and you might both get what you want.
 

For a few smart women’s takes on this very same question, please click here:

Hi Evan,

Firstly. I have very much been enjoying your "Advice from a Single Dating Expert" forum. It’s very helpful to get a moderated forum from an expert. And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.

OK question.  My girlfriend of one year wants to talk to me on the phone every day. To me it feels like I am checking in with my mom. I say "no way, it pushes my buttons". She says "If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to". Evan, since you have dealt with many daters and have some perspective, Where is this phone call frequency on the range of daters who call each other?

I know it seems nuts, the woman is otherwise great for me, but I can’t get past this feeling.

–Hadley

Dear Hadley,

Thanks for your kind words about my readers. I would have to agree that they’re a smart bunch. They ask tough questions and are open to challenging answers.

Which leads me to the very predictable portion of today’s blog where I challenge you.

So you have this girlfriend who you’ve been with you for a year. Your constant source of tension is that she wants to talk to you every day. You don’t want to do this because it makes you feel like checking in with your mom.

Got it.

Hadley, my friend… If relationships are about compromise, what exactly is it costing you to talk to your girlfriend every day? That’s right. Nothing. The only thing it’s costing you is “being right”. And that’s where most couples stumble. We want to be right. We want to tell our partners how it is – what we do, what we don’t do, how we’re not going to be bossed around. And what for? So your amazing girlfriend can feel insecure that her boyfriend of a year doesn’t really love her? How does this arrangement possibly help you?

Think of it as simple cost/benefit analysis.

Time it costs you to call her to say good night and ask about her day: Ten minutes.

Time it costs you to argue about not wanting to do this simple task: a lot more than that.

Women crave connection. And until you’ve got a ring on her finger and are signing your marriage contracts, it’s very reasonable for her to be concerned about the health of your relationship. The way to reassure her? Constant contact, constant communication, constant affection, constant talk of the future. Let any one of those things go for a day or a week, and I get a letter from her saying, “I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and I think he loves me but doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I’d like.” And you know what my answer to her would be?

If he can’t see fit to accommodate you by calling you every day, he probably doesn’t love you that much.

It may be annoying, Hadley, but it’s a small, small price to pay for a healthy relationship. Pick up the phone and let her know you’re turning over a new leaf.

Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now?

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. …

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You saw “When Harry Met Sally…” but have you lived it?  I have. Once had a wicked crush on my best friend from eleventh grade. Lost touch, got back in touch, lost touch again. We hadn’t seen each other in four years when we reconnected after college, but when we did, we slept together. It was everything I’d dreamed of, but it was so…foreign…and somehow, wrong.  We stayed in touch for years afterwards – but we never ever got together again.

The thing about friendship is that you’re dealing with an established commodity. It’s not like meeting a cute stranger, swapping spit, and giving it a whirl. The stakes, in this instance, are a lot higher, because there’s actually something to lose. 

Now I’m sure you know a couple of longtime friends who got together after a dozen years of dating the wrong people and now they live happily ever after with their three kids in Sheboygan, WI.  It happens and I’m sure it’s close to an ideal situation.  I mean, after all, who better to be your partner than someone who knows you as a friend first? But this is the exception and not the rule. 99 % of relationships fail, otherwise you’d be married to your Spin the Bottle boyfriend from sixth grade. So if all relationships are fraught with danger, yet who better to navigate it than a trusted friend, what can we conclude?

Well, we know that sex is complicated. For some, it’s a lustful response to something visual. For others, it’s a tender, wordless expression of affection. Some people have sex. Some people make love. Women also have the added pull of the “cuddling” hormone oxytocin, which bonds them emotionally to men and makes unattached sex even more difficult.

Factor all this into the loaded variables that come with friendship. 

Maybe he’s been pining after her for years, playing the dutiful best friend. 

Maybe she’s spent all her time dating jerks and never bothered to consider him before.

Maybe they live in different states.

Maybe they work together.

Maybe they’ve never hung out socially before.

Maybe they spend a lot of time together already. 

Maybe their relationship is a secret.

Maybe their friends always joked about them but she said no.

Maybe she tries his last name on for size.

Maybe he pictures her naked….

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I finally read Neil Strauss’ “The Game” this past weekend on the plane ride home from New York.

Amazing book. Nearly 400 pages that went down as if they were 100.

If you’re not familiar with this New York Times Bestseller, it’s a non-fiction tale of a bright but nerdy writer who, in investigating the world of underground “pick-up” artists, becomes the Master of all of them. Taught by another self-invented guru named “Mystery”, Strauss renames himself “Style” and seduces hundreds of women around the world.

In a bit of random happenstance, I was out with a friend at a bar a few weeks ago. He was telling me about the show “The Pick-Up Artist” on VH1, starring the aforementioned “Mystery”. My friend said it was thoroughly entertaining television and that it was amazing seeing this formerly awkward guys develop the confidence and social skills to be able to approach women. As we were leaving the bar, we looked over and saw “Mystery”, all 6′5″ of him, adorned in an ostentatious hat and a big gold heart shaped locket, waiting at the valet. Next to him was Neil Strauss, who had to be about 5′5″ and 130 pounds soaking wet. Although I hadn’t yet read “The Game”, I had to introduce myself. Neil was extremely gracious and soft-spoken and he gave me his assistant’s email address. A week later, I was at a party at his house for the finale of “The Pick-Up Artist”.

I asked if I could bring my best guy friend, but was told to either come alone or with a woman. Fair enough. So at the last minute, I invited my friend, Lauren Frances, who is more than enough woman to bring to any party.

The scene was surreal. The first three guys I saw were slightly pasty, average looking guys wearing pirate hats and turbans. These were the apprentice pick-up artists and they were, to use the language of the community, peacocking – wearing outlandish outfits to attract attention and arouse interest. These guys comprised the majority of the party’s population when we arrived. Slowly the room started filling up with young Hollywood types. Everyone was well-put-together and put a lot more thought into their wardrobe than I probably did. After all, it’s all about making a good first impression.

I fell into some lovely conversations. One, with a smart single woman who worked at Vivid Video who was dating one of the apprentice PUA’s (pick up artists) who got his education on the TV show. Another, with a young Jewish actress from Texas who was dating the guy who won “The Pick-Up Artist”. It seemed that apart from Neil, Mystery, Lauren and myself, everyone at the party was 25 years old, or at least acting that way.

And so I vowed to read the book that spawned this entire community. I wanted to be able to accurately parse whether this is useful information or misogynist trash. I’m somewhat dismayed to report that it’s useful information….

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