Hi Evan:

I think I know the painful answer to this one but here it goes.. I married a guy 10 years younger than me (then 31/21). It was great for the first 3 years, and then he left for no good reason. One day, he just said "I want to be married but I want to be single too". He said that he would only be gone 2 months. Well, 2 months turned into 18 months. He came back but was never, ever home, so I kicked him out.

Now he’s back, saying that he wants to come back and really try. BUT he wants to come back in a month. The problem is that my kids really love him and I do (or did…I don’t even know!). All I know is that he has caused me more pain than anyone ever has. I keep thinking that he will grow up, and I always hope that he will start making better decisions in all aspects of his life for his own sake. But it never seems to happen. When is enough enough? I have been waiting for him to grow up for 6 1/2 years now. Do I give it another month or tell him “Adios”? He is a nice guy but one really lousy husband/boyfriend so far.

Candace

Dear Candace,

I’d like you to meet my friend, Ben Franklin. Ben has a few words for you that might be helpful:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

An asshole is a nice guy 80% of the time.

Hate to be the one to break it to you, C, but you’re acting a little insane. Then again, all of us do when we expect others to change for our benefit.

How are you acting insane? Let me count the ways.

I married a guy 10 years younger than me (31/21). 21-year-old men, with rare exceptions, are not ready for marriage. Too little life experience, too little money, too many hormones.

I want to be married but I want to be single, too. Isn’t that like saying “I want to be a vegetarian, but eat meat, too”?

2 months turned into 18 months. The single part of marriage can be somewhat addictive, I’ve heard.

He came back but was never, ever home. If a tree falls in the forest, but sleeps around when you’re not looking, did it really happen?

Now he’s back, saying that he wants to come back and really try. BUT he wants to come back in a month. And I’m going to start my new diet as soon as the holidays are over…in 2014.

I keep thinking that he will grow up, and I always hope that he will start making better decisions in all aspects of his life for his own sake. You mean, for YOUR sake. He IS making decisions for his own sake.

When is enough enough?

Now that you’ve read what you’ve wrote – and had it plastered right in front of you with semi-sarcastic commentary – it’s your turn to answer the question, Candace.

When is enough enough?

Only when you say it is.

Only when you determine that your life without him is better than your life with him.

Only when you realize that you will never have a stable healthy relationship as long as he’s in the picture and owns a piece of your heart.

You say he’s a nice guy, Candace. He’s not. To borrow a quote from my book, “Why You’re Still Single”: An asshole is a nice guy 80% of the time. Assholes don’t torture old women or throw puppies out windows. Assholes do exactly what your “husband” is doing to you. They’re unreliable, emotionally abusive, and they lie – all while they’re charming you and claiming their devotion to you.

To make this crystal clear, Candace – you’re in a relationship with a jackass, but it’s not the jackass’s job to change.

You want to stop his selfish rampage over your existence?

Throw him out. Refuse his calls. Move on.

Because at this point, it’s not his fault for being a liar.

The harsh truth – the one that you already know – is that it’s your fault for not having the strength to walk away.

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I’m a 31-year old woman, and have been dating a lot but have had little success. I’d say I’m in the very attractive category and have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. (I did see, and really appreciated, your post dedicated to the plight of pretty girls!) My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong.

After about 4 dates (each time he’d follow up right away to tell me he had fun and wanted to see me soon), I spent a lot of time with this new guy one weekend and he introduced me to all his friends, who were very welcoming. The next weekend, we had a great evening together and went to his place, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex. He asked me why, and I told him truthfully that I really liked him, and that I wanted to be sure that we weren’t seeing other people first. I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. Then I said that I was perfectly willing to talk about it all now if he was too. He said he understood, but didn’t say anything more just cuddled with me. We fell asleep together, then spent the next morning out for brunch and wandering around the local farmer’s market (his ideas). He seemed that day to be truly enjoying my company. But since then, he never called me again.

I accept that he’s no longer interested, and I’m prepared to be realistic and move on from this particular guy. I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there. I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. You have said in your posts that sometimes you have to take a leap, but it can’t possibly be true that I have to “leap” and have sex with someone who’s just not quite willing to commit *yet* and then wait for him to decide that he’s willing to admit that he has feelings for me a few months later. Maybe in this case he really is seeing other people, but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.

I think I must be doing something wrong, but I just refuse to accept that not having sex until he commits to me is the wrong decision. How many times do I have to go through this painful process before a guy (and a guy that I’m into) will be so crazy about me that he just says, okay, whatever you need – time, commitment, you’ve got it! I guess what I’m really asking for is some reassurance that a hot girl can hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her.

Thanks in advance for helping a girl out,

Colette

Dear Colette,

Guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex”? Yes.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex and still hope to find a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” Yes.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” No. Holding out on sex will inherently lower your chances of finding a guy.

Why? Because guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

In fact, I want to laud you for waiting for a commitment before sex. If more women did that, there would be a lot less post-coital heartbreak. Alas, there would be a lot more of the pre-coital disappointment you’ve described above.

Choose your poison.

You feel “fairly confident” that he would have called you again after sex. What about all the other women who felt the same way and got burned? Clearly, you’re damned if you do, and your damned if you don’t.

So what’s a girl to do?…

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Hi Evan,

I met a guy I really liked, whom I was physically attracted to, whom I had a lot in common with intellectually and creatively (we both write). We almost slept together. And then he stopped being flirtatious, but continued to contact me via email and text regularly, talking about film and writing.

I had a feeling he wasn’t interested in me other than as a friend, and gave him many openings for him to tell me so, but he never did. When I confronted him on the phone, he said he’d need a few days before he could tell me what was going on. This sounded so obtuse that I figured it had to be something more complicated than that he was seeing someone else. Two weeks passed, and he finally told me that that was the case – he’d been seeing someone.

Here’s the thing. He tells me he loves talking to me. He’s physically attracted to me and even desires me sexually. He remembers what I say and asks me about my life. He tells me his ideas and asks me about mine. But he does not want me as his girlfriend.

As I mentioned at the beginning, this is not the first time this has happened to me. So, what gives?

I had always thought that the ideal girlfriend/boyfriend is someone whom you consider a best friend whom you also want to sleep with. Am I wrong? If he treats me like a best friend, and also desires me, what’s missing?

Robyn

Dear Robyn,

Are you familiar with Occam’s Razor? It’s the principle that "All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best." I think you’re ignoring the simplest solution to what’s missing in your relationship.

Attraction.

Now I say this without knowing his side of the story. I say this despite your claims that he’s attracted to you. I say this because when you’re grasping for answers as to what went wrong, you deserve a logical answer.

So here’s my logic:

Most men just need to know that you have a pulse.

It’s easy for most men to find a woman that they’re attracted to.

It’s much harder to find a woman who we enjoy talking to, who we pay attention to, who we want to share our ideas with. In fact, most single men who value those traits complain that it’s the main reason they’re still single. Lots of women are hot. Few are hot and interesting.

Thus, if you’re meeting all of his deeper desires and he STILL chooses not to lock you up as his girlfriend, it stands to reason that there’s something fundamentally missing. My guess is attraction.

This may fly in the face of what you’ve experienced with him, so let me explain further.

Most women need to be attracted to a guy AND have feelings for him to take him home. Most men just need to know that you have a pulse. …

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What is wrong with me?? I have been searching for a sweet, wonderful guy. Along the way, I met someone that I adored, but I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. I confronted him and told him that I had to be the only one. He said he wasn’t ready or willing to settle down with one person. So, I continued my search and met Mr. Wonderful. He adores me, is ready to propose, but I have a problem–our sex life is not good, and I find myself dreaming about Mr. Two-Timer, who was great in bed. What’s worse, Mr. Two-Timer, who couldn’t commit, now has a committed relationship with the other woman.

I’m still jealous and feeling hurt over him, while I’ve got this wonderful guy who loves me and wants to commit. I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Can sex, or boring sex, cloud one’s judgment this much??

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Isn’t it a shame there isn’t a correlation between “nice” and “great-in-bed”?

(Millions of men who have slept with hot crazy women are nodding right now.)

The truth is that attraction and devotion are two things that CAN go together but don’t INHERENTLY go together. In fact, it would probably be more accurate to state that attraction and devotion are at opposite poles.

(Millions of women who have gone out with non-committal bad boys are nodding right now.)

He was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

So what’s a nice girl who wants a nice guy with awesome bedroom skills to do?

Well, as a dating coach who tries to train all of his clients to become their OWN dating coach, here’s what I’d suggest: Look at the things you cannot change.

Mr. Two-Timer is a two-timer. It doesn’t matter if you initially adored him – he was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

Mr. Two-Timer has another 120lbs of baggage – his new girlfriend. Don’t get too upset. She’ll learn his nickname soon enough. Although maybe not until a few years into their marriage. Be glad that he’s her problem, not yours.

Oh, but then there’s the sex thing. Why does sex always have to get in the way of such beautiful friendships?

(Millions of women who want to marry their gay best friends are nodding right now.)

Thankfully, sex is something that can change, especially if the parties involved are motivated to change. If you don’t believe me, consider what you know about sex now as compared with when you were say, 16. Have you learned a thing or two? I sure hope so.

Where things get sticky (not literally) is in trying to finesse HOW to get Mr. Devoted to WANT to change. Does he have any idea that you’re dissatisfied with your love life? Have you been faking your way through the past year? If so, it’s going to come as quite a shock to this guy that – oops – I’ve been lying to you this entire time…. 

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Just received a call from the company that produces Top Chef and Project Runway. They are developing a new series for the Lifetime Network and are looking for singles, 25- 45,who want a lifelong partnership. The hook of the show is that the partnership would be an arranged marriage and that your spouse would be chosen by your friends and/or family.

As odd as this might sound, I actually think there’s something to this. I just gave a blurb for a book called "First Comes Marriage" by Reva Seth that really captured the wisdom of the collective over the individual. The thing that stuck out with me most from the book is that arranged marriages don’t have the same lofty expectations as our Hollywood fantasy partnerships, which is why they’re more likely to endure and grow. Instead of starting out white-hot, they blossom over time – a much better recipe for success.

Anyway, if you are interested in finding out more, they’d love to talk to you. The producers have made clear that this is not a dating or an elimination series, and that everyone will be treated with respect. The goal of the show is to help the participants find love and happiness in a committed relationship and to document the process. It¹s not for everyone, but if this sounds intriguing to you, check out: www.ArrangedMarriageTV.com or email Melanie Levine at Melanie.Levine@magicalelves.com.

Your thoughts on arranged marriage?