Hi Evan,

I finally met an emotionally available, nice guy after going through my fair share of emotionally unavailable men. We’ve been dating for about two months now and have hit a rough patch. I am starting to feel like the man in the relationship. He reacts emotionally instead of rationally all the time. He wants to talk about feelings all the time. I find he is emotionally needy.

I am an independent woman, and I like my time to myself. I do not need to talk about feelings. Sometimes I feel like he says things in a passive-aggressive way just to see how I will react. I feel like I have to always reassure him. This is really stressing me out and turning me off. I told him that it would be best for him to keep his emotions to himself right now and once things get more serious, then we could talk more about feelings. At first he said that I was right and that this behavior has ruined his past relationships, but then he says that it turns him off that I don’t want to talk about feelings. He feels like he has to hold back with me. I feel like all this talk about feelings is just too much too soon.

My dilemma is that he’s a nice guy that I can trust, he treats me like no man has ever treated me, we have common interest and goals, but I’m turned off my his neediness. I just don’t want to feel like the man in the relationship. He has already cried four times when we have discussions where I tell him that all of it is just too much for me. I’m wondering if I should just call it a loss and move on? I want a nice guy, but not an emotionally needy one. Is this a deal breaker, or is this something I should just give more time to see if he can overcome it?

Katie

Dear Katie,

My second book, Why You’re Still Single, contains a chapter called “Men Don’t Go Both Ways” which addresses your question directly. The short version is this:

But your constant frustration that Marlboro Man “doesn’t open up” or that Sensitive Artist is “too needy” is pretty futile.

There are two poles that women find attractive: The Marlboro Man and the Sensitive Artist. The Marlboro Man is traditional – doesn’t like to talk about his problems, doesn’t like to listen to yours, but he is a MAN. He’s a stoic, and if he has any emotional needs, you’ll never know it. Problem is that it’s hard to feel CONNECTED to a guy like this. Sharing information is what makes us close, and if you have a guy who really doesn’t roll like that, you’re going to constantly wonder where you stand and what he’s thinking.

Then there’s the Sensitive Artist, who is as much of an open book as your best girlfriend. You share everything with him and he shares everything with you. You truly understand each other. Problem is, when a person shares everything with you, there will be times where he will seem weak and vulnerable. This doesn’t always inspire confidence like the Marlboro Man.

Men Don’t Go Both Ways means that whether you’re expecting the Marlboro Man to start sharing or expecting the Sensitive Artist to stop sharing, you’re wasting your time. They’re DIFFERENT guys with different strengths and weaknesses. Thus, as a woman, you have a choice: put up with the stoicism of a traditional man’s man, or put up with the emotional rollercoaster of a sensitive guy. But your constant frustration that Marlboro Man “doesn’t open up” or that Sensitive Artist is “too needy” is pretty futile.

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Hi Evan,

I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, and most of the questions you answer are so serious and sad. So, I have a more light-hearted question, but one that’s been on my mind for a very long time. I hope you can answer it.

What do guys have against nighttime clothes? Every single boyfriend I’ve had always wants to sleep in the nude! But, more importantly, they want me to sleep in the nude too! It’s not like they had six packs and bulging biceps. And, it’s not like I’m a candidate for the SI Swimsuit edition…I don’t even own a bathing suit. But still, whether it was winter or summer, spring or fall, they always wanted to be in the buff.

I like my nighttime clothes — no, I’m not talking about a grandma flannel gown that covers me from neck to toe or sloppy sweats. I’m talking about sexy teddies or lacy gowns. You know the stuff in the Victoria Secret Catalogs…the stuff that’s supposed to drive men crazy. Sadly for me, it ends up being the stuff that I only get to wear when I’m sleeping by myself, because whenever I tried to sleep in them with my boyfriend present, I’d get “Yeah, it’s nice. But, why don’t you take it off?”

So Evan, why don’t men want women keep some clothes on when it’s time to go to sleep?

Thanks,

Kenley

Hey Kenley,

I appreciate your fluffy question, and while I’m not sure I have 1000 words worth of material on it, here’s my two cents:

Frankly, the nicest bra you own is the one that finds its way to the floor in the next five minutes.

First of all, I can’t speak for all men, but I don’t think that every man likes sleeping in the nude. I don’t know what your sample size is – but if it’s 4 or 5 guys, it may be just a coincidence that they’re all night nudists. Personally, I like wearing boxer briefs. Dangling around at night is a little uncomfortable for my tastes. My wife would prefer that I wear nothing though. Not exactly sure why.

Next: women care about what they wear approximately 4000 times more than men do. When you get a new pair of shoes, a fresh pedicure, or a bra/panties set from Victoria’s Secret, the odds that we notice hover somewhere between slim and none. Frankly, the nicest bra you own is the one that finds its way to the floor in the next five minutes.

Third: I think most men would agree that nothing beats skin-on-skin contact. It doesn’t matter if you spent $100 on some tiny, flattering, lacey number; when you get right down to it, it’s just getting in the way of the guy who wants to feel your bare skin.

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Dear Evan,
My girlfriend and I started dating in August of 2007. We became really close, not just to each other, but to each other’s friends and family as well. We talked on the phone at least 4 times a day, and nothing seemed to be holding us back. That was until early June, when she told me didn’t want a boyfriend anymore, because she wanted to enjoy her last summer of nursing school without having to “check in” with a boyfriend.

We didn’t see each other for a week, then she invited me to her sister’s house to watch the College World Series, and when we were leaving, she made out with me. We started seeing each other again, almost everyday, and it was as if we were still dating, minus intimacy. We still talk on the phone multiple times a day and go out to parties and events together. We also attend church together every Sunday. She even talks about my future-whether I will be married or have children and whether or not she’ll be my wife and their mother. However, still, there’s NO intimacy beyond just a kiss on the lips.

To make matters worse, I think she is dating an old boyfriend named Ben. There have been several occasions where I have invited her to attend an event, and she couldn’t, only to later to find out that she was out with Ben. Even one of her friends has said she is dating Ben!

I just do not get it….is she dating Ben?  Is she dating me?  Is just playing us both?  Is this the way she is with her close guy friends?  I am so confused.

LJ

If you, dear reader, have ever been this position – wondering where you stand with someone who seems to have feelings with you, but doesn’t really act on it – please click on this link:

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/best-of-evan-marc-katz/

Go to the section marked: If You’re Dating a Man Who Won’t Call, Commit, or Make an Effort For You. There are seven articles that deal with different variations on this question. All of the questions are from women, but, thanks to LJ, we can now add one from a man.

So here’s the deal, bro:

The only two people who are confused are you and your ex. She’s confused and is sending mixed signals. You’re confused because she’s sending mixed signals. But, from the outside, it’s pretty clear what’s going on.

You may have a piece of her heart, but you don’t have her respect right now.

You’re her best friend, and even if she doesn’t see herself marrying you, she definitely doesn’t want to lose her best friend. She also knows that you are hung up on her, and that you will do whatever she asks. This gives her way too much power over you – and, for what it’s worth – doesn’t make you any more attractive to her. You may have a piece of her heart, but you don’t have her respect right now.

Just as clearly, you don’t even have respect for yourself right now. Which is why you’re willing to talk on the phone multiple times a day, go to church together, and put up with her seeing her ex-boyfriend – and STILL not be angry enough to walk away.

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