I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years now. For the most part, I think he is a very loving, respectable, and caring man and I have never felt I couldn’t trust him regarding other women and cheating.

Recently, I used his computer and found his I.M. chat still open and couldn’t help myself but to read it, thinking I might find some clues as to what he was getting me for Christmas. I am being completely honest to say that I am not a stalking, insecure, snooping around kind of a girlfriend, and in fact, I have never checked on anything such as emails, phones, or texts previously.  Unfortunately I found some very inappropriate dialogue from my boyfriend to his buddy on this IM, describing different girls and what he would like to do to them.

The comments regarding the women’s body parts and looks don’t bother me as much, because I do understand about “guy’s language” when it’s just guys chatting. However, the parts of the conversations where he asked for opportunities to meet up with some of these woman and described in detail what he would then like to do to them is what really disturbs me.

I am not quite sure how to discuss this with him, given that I discovered this reading his IM without him knowing, but this is too hurtful to me to ignore. Our rules have always been if you are doing something that you wouldn’t approve of the other one doing to you, then it’s wrong. I guarantee he would not like it if I started doing this about other guys. How should I approach this?

Thanks,

Vicki

Dear Vicki,

There’s a fine line between emotional infidelity and genuine infidelity. Both are insidious and threatening to a relationship. Both highlight unmet needs and unfulfilled desires. Both are indicative in a structural crack in your foundation that must be addressed.

There’s a fine line between emotional infidelity and genuine infidelity. Both are insidious and threatening to a relationship.

And while I can’t say whether expressing desire to meet a strange woman via IM constitutes “official” dictionary-definition infidelity, I can say, for sure, that it counts as cheating, and it is not something that should be swept under the rug.

I’m going to hijack this post here, to share a very personal story that just happened to me. I asked my wife’s permission to share it, because it is a little, well, personal. But it’s completely relevant to your question, Vicki, so bear with me.

So my wife and I just moved in together on January 1^st, two months after we got married. Marriage is stressful, house-hunting is stressful, moving is stressful, moving in with someone else is stressful, merging lives and households is stressful. And I, in general, am a first-class stress case. So let there be no confusion when I say that I had a pretty difficult January. The basis of my relationship with my wife is how easy and trusting we are, and yet we got on each others’ nerves more than ever recently.

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Great info! I enjoy reading all of this blog, and it has stopped me from boggling my mind about a few things!

Anyway, I’m a male who is his 40’s on Match. I seem to run into this a lot and haven’t seen this addressed. In my first email, I usually ask a few questions and figure the female will answer them, which they usually do, but then they don’t ask anything of me but still seem interested. I may email again, saying, “If you want to know anything just ask”, etc. but I still get no questions in return to start a conversation. Confusing.

Should I assume this is one of those. “She isn’t into me things?”

Thanks,

Dwayne

Dear Dwayne,

It’s not that she’s not into you. It’s that you probably haven’t given her a compelling reason to be.

If you want to know why your email correspondence online is generally flat and falls apart after a few emails, you have to look in the mirror and take responsibility for your part in it.

Just today, I was on the phone with a client who was sharing the same experience with me: “Why do guys write such boring emails? Why don’t they ever ask questions? What am I supposed to say?” She showed me example after example in her inbox of generic email exchanges that have no fire, no wit, no flirtation. Yet she didn’t realize that she was an equal part of the problem.

It’s not that she’s not into you. It’s that you probably haven’t given her a compelling reason to be.

It wasn’t until she showed me one really GOOD email from a guy that she started to get it. He asked her a silly question and started grilling her with more and more trivia questions, teasing her about what she might win if she got all the questions right. She played along and pushed right back and they’ve already got a first date lined up.

I asked this client what made this email exchange different from the other exchanges.

“He was funny”, she said.

“And how did that make a difference to you?” I asked.

“It made me funny in response to him,” she replied. “He was so lively and engaging that I sort of had no choice but to come back with something equally witty and creative.”

“So by him writing something playful and interesting to you, he actually brought out a more playful and interesting side of you?”

“Exactly! What woman doesn’t love a funny guy?”

“You’re right,” I said. “And what man doesn’t love a funny woman?” She agreed, wholeheartedly.

“So if a man can make you into a more engaging person by writing a witty first email, wouldn’t it make sense that you could turn a man into a more engaging person by doing the same?”

“Yes, but it’s a lot easier when he says something and I can respond to him.”

“I agree. But look at the emails you write back to the boring men. They’re just as boring as the ones that you received. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if you took the time to write something interesting and creative back to these guys, you might discover that they actually have a personality? I mean, from the majority of your emails, you sound really boring, too. And yet this one guy with the trivia questions was able to bring out your playful side.”

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I’ve been in a relationship with a really great guy for over a year. He’s warm, thoughtful, considerate, loving, and completely accepting. But there is one problem, he overthinks everything and often tells me he’s “getting ready” to do something, though I’ll never see action of what it is he’s getting ready to do.

For example: He lost his job in August due to the company closing. Since that time, he’s put in applications and turned down job offers because the pay wasn’t in line with what he thinks he’s worth. He knows he needs to have more income than what unemployment offers, though due to his lack of bills he can actually live on unemployment alone, he just will not get ahead. And for the last three weeks, he’s been “getting ready” to put in more applications anywhere in order to work; although, once again, no action has been taken to do this nor can he tell me when he thinks he might do it.

This happens in many areas, not just with his job, but I should add that he can make decisions. It doesn’t take him three hours to decide where to have dinner. But the big decisions, like his job, or school, or where to live, he will seem paralyzed by and spend what I personally consider an inordinate amount of time contemplating before moving forward.

I really enjoy him, and there are so many good points, but this prolonged process of “getting ready” to do things wears on me. I wonder if this is something I should just learn to deal with? Am I being unreasonable or expecting someone to be too much like me? Or should I expect more?

Shari

Dear Shari,

You’re screwed.

It’s the unfortunate and immutable truth about people. THEY DON’T CHANGE, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much it would be good for them.

Wait, I should rephrase that.

If you’re looking for a man who will make the big decisions in a manner that satisfies you, then keep looking. Your boyfriend has given you an important glimpse into his soul, and you are right to be alarmed by the way he’s handling this situation.

This doesn’t negate his many good qualities. Just read this blog every week and you’ll know how lucky you are to have found a guy who is warm, thoughtful, considerate, loving and accepting. But a person who is always “getting ready” will never stop “getting ready”. It’s the unfortunate and immutable truth about people. THEY DON’T CHANGE, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much it would be good for them.

Look around. You’ll see. Overweight people making New Years Resolutions to slim down, only to lapse back into old comfortable habits. Why? Because they would rather eat things that taste good and watch TV than consume bland salads and use the treadmill for 45 minutes a day. As a result of this decision, they will never, ever, ever lose weight. This doesn’t mean that they are bad people or stupid people or weak people. It just means that they’re people. And people do what they want, presuming there’s nothing stopping them from doing so.

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I’m a 33 year old, single father with primary care of a 14 month old daughter. Her mother has a weekends-only job and never has her overnights or even in the evening. My question is: How do I even go about looking, when the only time I spend away from work involves my daughter? It’s me, I’m sure, but I don’t seem to even try when I’m out with my daughter, doing all the things it takes to keep my house, my daughter, and myself in order.

In the last three months, I’ve “went out” once. I have no problems meeting people in the regular bar scene….but I don’t seem to make the time. And when I do, the results aren’t the type I’m looking for anyway.

Mike B.

Dear Mike,

Great question. Important question. Simple answer.

Before I give it to you, I want other readers to ask yourselves if you can sympathize with Mike’s predicament. You don’t have to be the primary caregiver to a 14 month old; you just have to be too busy to find love.

Being busy is the greatest and most believable excuse for being single that you can find.

So…do you work a lot? Have lots of responsibilities? Hobbies? Friends? Obligations?

If you said yes to any of the above, this article is gonna be one great kick in the ass for you.

Make no mistake about it: being busy is the greatest and most believable excuse for being single that you can find. Which is why you’re not going to hear me suggest to Mike that he ditch his job, ditch his daughter and spend 24 hours a day finding love.

What I will suggest, however, is a re-evaluation of three things in Mike’s life

• 1) His time
• 2) His priorities
• 3) His methods

Time is a precious commodity. Our lives our finite. Days end after 24 hours. And, as an adult, you have responsibilities that don’t simply abate because you wish them away. You still have to work to pay the bills. You still have to make sure your children get fed each night. That’s life, and it’s way more difficult to create opportunities in love when you’re pulled in so many directions.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

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