Dear Evan,

I broke up with my girlfriend of 11 months three months ago. I pulled the trigger but I think that if I hadn’t she would have within a month, we were fighting so much. We are both young (20-21) and in college, and were both each others’ first real relationship.

My problem is that, after cutting all contact with her for two months, I have recently started having sex with her again. Her idea. I initially rejected her offer out of spite (and to keep myself from developing feelings again), but she was persistent and so my “other” head won out over my rational head, as often happens.

Predictably, I think I have developed feelings for her again. These are not rational feelings. Logically, I know I do not want to be with her because 1) it’s over and I want to meet someone new, and I am actively pursuing other women (I have a date tomorrow in fact), and 2) she said and did some things that really hurt me while we were dating and I don’t want to go through that again.

But it’s not just the sex I like… she’s wonderful to hang out with, we have great interpersonal chemistry, she lends me CDs, always offers to help me with stuff, etc. I am also pretty introverted, so my social life takes a big hit if I cut her out of it.

In a moment of weakness where I brought up the possibility of a relationship again, she made it quite clear she does not want to be with me, beyond friends with benefits. Her rationale is, “I’m attracted to you, we’re compatible in bed and I love hanging out with you, but I can’t see me spending the rest of my life with you. Our values are too different.”

Simply, the alternative of reinventing your life is a lot less appealing than keeping up your unpleasant status quo.

My concern is that she will find someone before I do, and thus I will be alone and devastated, feeling used as a filler. We have discussed this and she says she wouldn’t feel that way if I found someone first… a bit jealous maybe, but not devastated. I know the best decision is to just STOP seeing her. I have made repeated attempts to do this, but they all ultimately fail. I don’t call her and she doesn’t call me, but we run into each other, and end up in bed every time. This is all my own failing, because she has made clear to me EXACTLY what she wants, with no pretense. Nobody is leading anybody on. I can tell her no any time I want… yet I never do.

Should I just suck it up and enjoy what I have while it lasts, or actively avoid her if I run into her? I’m confused as hell and I don’t know what I want.

 R

Thanks for the email reminder, R, that relationship questions know no gender boundaries. You’re the traditional woman in this scenario, and I’m pretty sure that any woman here could tell you EXACTLY what to do.

But since you asked me, and I’m a guy, I’m going to lay it out for you in guy terms.

You had a good thing going that went bad. And what you’ve now discovered, at 21, is that, often having something flawed is better than having nothing.

This would explain why we stay in dead-end jobs and dysfunctional relationships way past their expiration dates. Simply, the alternative of reinventing your life is a lot less appealing than keeping up your unpleasant status quo.

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Evan,

I met a girl online and we are meeting for the first time for lunch this week. We talked on the phone for hours already and she texts me often. We seem to connect very well.

Are there any tips you have for me to make meeting her a bit more special? We are both busy people, so the lunch idea came up, because we both work near one another in town. Since this is the first contact in person I will have with her, I didn’t want to make it too high of pressure or a formal date.

Matt

Dear Matt,

My philosophy for first dates was first outlined in “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book – A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating”. The chapter was called, “How Caffeine Kills Chemistry, and Other Controversial Theories on Dating”, and, in essence, it said this:

If you can’t kiss at Starbucks, what’s the point of going to Starbucks for a first date?

There was more… but that was the gist of it.

While I won’t retract my theory entirely, I do have some modifications I’d like to make.

I am still firm that slowing down is an essential component to making your first dates pop.

The problem with online dating is its illusion of instant gratification. Guy gets rejected by 100 women and becomes convinced that if he only goes FASTER that he’d get a chance at a first date. Woman emails a guy for a month, only to find out he’s 5 years older and 30 lbs heavier than he stated; she becomes convinced that if she only goes FASTER, she wouldn’t have wasted so much time.

If you can’t kiss at Starbucks, what’s the point of going to Starbucks for a first date?

The reaction to our respective failures is to cut to the chase TOO fast. As a result, you email total strangers and say, “You look cute. Let’s meet at Starbucks on Tuesday”. But you’re missing an important part of the dating process – namely, the getting-to-know-you part. By circumventing the normal process of courtship – you’re skipping an integral building block for a first date.

Believe me – I get why you do it. You’ve been burned. You’re busy. You don’t want to waste time. Got it. Then you have no one but yourself to blame when you go on a series of blind dates with unscreened losers. That’s what you get when you meet strangers after only a brief email exchange.

Matt, to his credit, didn’t do this. In fact, he spent hours and hours on the phone, building trust, rapport, and comfort. What does this mean for Matt? It means that if his date’s considering 5 guys from Match.com right now, and 4 of them are emailing her: “You’re hot! Let’s meet up!”, Matt’s going to stand out, just by being a little patient. Restraint is a very powerful tool in a man’s arsenal.

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Spring is a time of change, and lots of things are going to be changing around here. This blog is going to be moved over to EvanMarcKatz.com, I’m going to be posting a lot more frequently, and you’re going to get a lot more value out of reading. Stay tuned.

But the changes I’m alluding to are from the people who have been using the dating techniques taught in Finding the One Online. If you’re not aware, Finding the One Online is my signature program – literally $2000 worth of private coaching packed into 7CDs with a 180 page transcript and a 35 page workbook. It shows you how to do EVERYTHING online: from choosing the right website, to coming up with a creative username, to writing a unique essay, to crafting a witty and confident first email, to understanding why people disappear and what you can do about it, to knowing how to get a first date when there’s a ton of competition. A few hundred of these things sold in the first month – but I’ve been teaching these techniques for years.

So if you’re struggling to meet people in real life…and you’ve tried online dating with low to mixed results…and you want to find a relationship…but aren’t sure how to make Match.com work for you… this is your lucky day.

Check out what a few of my clients have gotten by following Finding The One Online’s simple techniques:

Helen is a New Yorker in her early 50’s who worked with me last summer. She wrote this email to me last week.

On July 2, I met the man that I will be marrying this Fall 2009. I think that the combo of photos and snappily written profile definitely helped. Most helpful according to my fiance is the fact that “the goods” were as stated. Apparently, a LOT of people publish out of date information and photos. It is one thing to have a cute profile, but another to have a truly representative photo/profile. I believe that is how I finally attracted the attention of Mr. Right. I have recommended you to others. I am ever grateful that you provide this service and that you promote honesty and integrity in the endeavor to find a life partner. Now if you could just sell my house so that I could move in with him…Thank you again and again…

Helen

Rose is in her 70’s and worked with me twice because she realized that, as an older woman, she had to be more proactive to find love. With a new profile, new photos, and a confident approach to initiating contact, she found her man. Notice that she wrote to HIM first.

I am in a committed relationship with the man I talked about as being a friend with the potential perhaps of being more. It turns out he was interested in me from the start but kept telling me all the negatives about him as a potential partner to be sure I enjoyed his company and liked him anyway before he was willing to risk showing his feelings. Anyway we are now committed to living together and talk about the future as if we will be sharing it.

There is no doubt that you played a role in this at some level. Your harping on keeping an open mind and looking at people beyond those we ordinarily would choose let me look differently at this man. I am still grappling with some of the issues that come up for me because of the disparity in our incomes, but since we are able to talk about everything I think we will be able to manage this.

So thank you. By the way, I met him on The Right Stuff. I contacted him, in December of 2007. So online dating does work even on the low volume sites.

Rose

Christine found a boyfriend on Match.com while we worked together, broke up with him as we continued our coaching, and then sent me this email two weeks ago:

Evan, I am engaged and getting married in 2010!!!

Christine

What all of these women have in common is that they decided that they weren’t content with the state of their love lives.

In making the effort to find a new path to love, they reinvented their online personas, attracted more men – higher quality men – and found their future spouses.

I invite you to do the same.

FindingTheOneOnline.com

It’s inexpensive, it’s interesting, and, most importantly, it’s life changing.

I look forward to posting YOUR success stories on here later this year!

Your friend,

Evan

Hi Evan,

I’m 25 yrs old, and I’ve been with my boyfriend (he’s 29) for one and a half years. We met through a Christian website and after 4 months of dating, we went steady as a couple. On both our profiles, we did state that we were looking for someone to date and hopefully, settle down and have a family with. It was four months into being exclusive as a couple before he said “I love you” to me, and he said that I was the first female he’d ever said it to. He has introduced me to his family and relatives (I see his family once a week) and he has been back with me to visit my family overseas.

Lately, we have been talking about marriage, and he says he would like to settle down soon. He has mentioned that he would like to get married at the end of this year or at the latest, early 2010. But at the moment, he is trying to get out of shiftwork and getting a job with regular hours, and he says until he gets a job with regular hours, he will not get married. He said that this year is the transitional year for him, as he has been in shift work for 10 years and he has already started classes for a new career in welding.

My question is, how do you know when a man is serious about marrying you and not just trying to drag things on? I have come to realize that I would like to get married before 28 and have kids soon, as I feel my biological clock is ticking. I don’t think that I could wait any longer for more than 2 years, and I made a deal with myself that if we were not, at least engaged by this year’s end, I would walk away. I do not wish to waste more time, as I am not getting younger.

So how would you know if a guy means what he says or is just making empty promises? Or worse, dragging things on?

It would be great if you could help me out on this one, thanks Evan!

A loyal reader,
Adele

Dear Adele,

Give yourself a break. You’re a smart cookie who is in a healthy relationship with a responsible guy who loves you.

First piece of advice from the old, married, dating expert: Chill out. Seriously. You’re 25 years old. Want to hear a ticking biological clock? Come visit the Katz household.

Second piece of advice: Give yourself a break. You’re a smart cookie who is in a healthy relationship with a responsible guy who loves you. There is absolutely no indication that he’s a player who is using you. How do I know this if I’ve never met him? Well, it’s written all over your email.

He’s been dating you exclusively for a year and a half.

He said “I love you” to you for his first time ever.

He brings you to see his family every week.

He has been to see your family overseas (a very expensive ticket for a wanna-be welder).

He is trying to make more money to be able to afford to support you and your fictional children.

Third piece of advice: Give him time.

I give you credit – because, unlike a lot of women I know – you’re focused on your love life at a young age. That means you’re not waiting until 38 to say, “Hmm…maybe I should start prioritizing a relationship”. However, you are boxing yourself in if you’re acting as if you have to be married with children by age 28.

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Evan,

A few months back, I met a woman online and we hit it off immediately via email. We met in person and found that there was definitely a lot of chemistry between us. We quickly became romantically involved, and things have been pretty amazing every since. There is one catch however… She has a long-term boyfriend who lives out of town whom she sees every other weekend or so.

I should mention at this point that I knew that she was involved with someone else from the get-go. She told me that she and her boyfriend have some significant relationship issues, which is why she decided to look for something else, but she doesn’t seem ready to take any specific action about it. The truth is that when we met, I was coming out of a 10+ year marriage, have primary custody of my two kids, and also have a very demanding work schedule. I had done my fair share of dating, but wasn’t really looking for a LTR. I was perfectly content keeping it casual and getting together when our schedules synced up. She seemed to be looking for basically the same thing. It seemed like a good match.

The more time we spent with each other, the stronger I felt about her. We’d spend all weekend together, talk on the phone for hours each night, and text each other periodically throughout the day. She’d even text me during the weekends when she was with her boyfriend.

My not-so-deep take on the world: People do what they want.

While the whole thing is complicated and a bit strange for me, I’m also a realist. I knew what I was getting myself into in the first place. I feel pretty strongly that her relationship with her boyfriend is her business. I would never ask her to make a choice between us, but to be honest, I would definitely date her exclusively if she were to end it with him.

Right now, I don’t really have the desire to see anyone else given how great our relationship is, but I wonder whether I should push myself to do so? We’ve talked about it in general terms, and she recognizes that the current situation is not fair, but she also expressed that she would feel somewhat jealous if I were to date other people. I certainly didn’t rule it out, but I told her I wasn’t seeing anyone else currently.

On the one hand, I’m incredibly happy when I’m with this woman, and from all indications, the feeling is mutual. Some days I feel like I should just look past the obvious complications and enjoy the amazing times we have together. The path of least resistance is to just keep things as they are, and avoid all of those lackluster first dates and issues that come with looking for someone new. Other days, though I wonder whether I’m making a mistake by focusing on her exclusively. I’m grateful for any advice you can give me.

Thanks,

Bill

Dear Bill,

My not-so-deep take on the world: People do what they want.

While we can come up with difficult machinations to explain human behavior – “He has a bad relationship with his mother… She has abandonment issues… He’s waiting to become more financially stable…” it usually comes back to the same principle.

People do what they want.

When a woman asks me, “Why would a guy act like he likes me if he doesn’t want to take me out again?”, or “Why do men act like they’re interested if they’re really not?“, my answer will be the same: Because he wants to. Because he likes you enough to flirt with you or sleep with you, but not enough to commit to you.

We can use this formula for pretty much any dilemma

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