The biggest turn-off that women have in dating is the guy who calls too much.

You know him. He met you and was instantly smitten. He tells you how beautiful you are five times per conversation. He starts talking about how amazing you are even though he barely knows you. He texts, emails or calls a dozen times a day. He acts like you have a future together although you’re pretty sure you don’t know his middle name.

And strangely, despite all this attention – BECAUSE of all this attention – you are immediately turned off. The new guy is a shameless puppy dog, eager for your affection, desperate to win you over to feel as strongly as he does.

It never works. It’s too easy. It’s too lame. It’s too…something. But the eager guy never earns your respect. All because he was TOO excited about you.

Contrast that with the man who YOU’VE got a crush on. You have incredible chemistry with him, but you have no idea where you stand. He tells you that you’re beautiful…when he’s not dating other women. He sends you text messages…once a week when he wants you to come over. He treats you amazingly…or at least he did the last time you saw him. He gives no indication that he wants a future with you, and little indication that he even wants a present with you.

And you’re completely ga-ga for him.

What’s wrong with this picture?

The very qualities that are the MOST indicative of the potential to build a life together – consistency and dedication – are the ones that you value LEAST.

I ain’t blaming you; as a dating coach, I’m just pointing out what may not obvious.

What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters – if you want a healthy relationship – is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to be attracted to the stalker-guy. I’m not advocating that you remove the restraining order.

What I am saying is that you should stop giving a free pass to every cute guy who doesn’t call in a timely fashion…and start valuing the very guys who make you feel special.

Clearly, it’s easier said than done.

Evan,

Just a little confused about this dating thing; why?  Why do people insist that it should be done?  I have dated, cohabited, married, divorced.  I have also had a few long-term, no strings attached sexual-type relationships, which serve me better than any traditional type of relationship has.  I guess I am wondering, if scientific research has shown that humans are programmed to be in only short-term relationships, ie 4-7 years, then why do they strive for life long ones, and why the heck do people need to use the word love as a noun when using it as a verb is a much better idea (at least in my opinion).  OK, I know I am cynical, jaded, opinionated, bullheaded, miserable, confident, independent, etc…

I just wonder why it is that all my ol’ girls are always trying to persuade me to get a man, when I really don’t want one, I think, ok maybe if there were a hot, young vampire nearby it would work, but I doubt it.  They are all clearly miserable in their relationships, and I have been in the ones I have had in the past.  I think I am intended to be a single, with a few lovers on the side.  I guess I just need to be reassured that what I am doing isn’t going to cause me to burn in hell or something… haha.

Margaret

Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Nor do I think you’re going to burn in hell.

Thou dost protest too much, Margaret.

But don’t worry. You’re not alone. Nor do I think you’re going to burn in hell.

I just think you’re going to be a bit lonely, that’s all.

So, let’s establish that there’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being a single woman. There’s nothing wrong with being a single woman in her 40’s. The real question is this: would you rather be single than be in a happy relationship? If you would, then there’s nothing to worry about. It’s EASY to stay single.

You’re posing a false dichotomy. Would I rather be single than in a bad relationship? Why yes, you would! And I would, too. Who could blame a girl who doesn’t want to be in a miserable marriage like all her friends?

But that glosses over a fundamental truth, which is that relationships can be tremendously rewarding. Does the intense chemistry wear off after 18 months to 2 years? Yes. Do most couples face a 7-Year Itch? Yes. Could you take the radical step of breaking societal conventions and spending your life in a series of good solid 5-year relationships which end the moment they get stale? You betcha.

So why don’t you? Why are you writing to me? Not for validation – you’re too smart for that. No, you actually wanted to be told the other side. The optimistic side. This is your lucky day.

It is human nature for us to justify our circumstances and find rationalizations to support our beliefs. When I was fired from a talent agency, I said to myself, “I hated that job, my boss, and my low pay” rather than “I wasn’t very passionate at my work, I had a bad attitude, and they probably found someone better.” Both are true. But I focused on the side that made my former employers wrong. Helps get us through the night, doesn’t it?

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I had a Memorial Day barbecue yesterday and got a chance to connect with some amazing friends. As the day wound down and the sangria pitcher drained, I started musing about dating and relationships, which is the kind of thing I do whether I’m sober or not.

It occurred to me that all of our friends are demographically similar: Attractive, fun, 30-40 years old. Writers. Directors. Marketers. Professors. Artists. MBAs. Just a solid bunch of folks.

And yet there was only one other couple at our party – everyone else was single.

So if the common denominator between my friends is that they’re single and impressive, is it possible that the reason that they’re single is BECAUSE they’re impressive?

When you have everything going for you, does it become that much harder to compromise on looks? Intelligence? Humor? Money?

Without psychoanalyzing any of my friends (since a. they didn’t ask me, and b. I’m not a shrink), I’d have to at least pose the question:

When you truly are an 8 in looks, a 9 in intelligence, a 7 in career, an 8 in humor… is it imperative to find someone as impressive as you are? Is anything less “settling”?

Believe me, I’m not one of those people who became an expert when he put a ring on his finger. After all, for most of my career, I was the single guy. Plus, it’s quite evident that married people aren’t necessarily smarter – they’re just more committed to one relationship.

But maybe it’s not just a coincidence that the cream of the crop is largely made up of “maximizers” as described in Barry Schwartz’s “The Paradox of Choice”. These folks have so much self-worth that they feel that the grass is always greener. And if they have 90% of what they’re looking for in a mate, maybe they just won’t rest until they find 94%.

Alas, as Schwartz points out in his amazing book: maximizers are rarely happy. In fact, “satisficers” – the people who are content with “less” – tend to be happier people overall.

So, is it harder for the most impressive people to find love? Would they be wiser if they learned to compromise? Are they holding out for something that doesn’t exist?

What do you think?

For the past few months, everywhere I go, people ask me what I think of “The Millionaire Matchmaker” – both the show and the woman starring in it, Patti Stanger.

So, for the record, I have only seen one episode – the first one – because a friend of mine was one of the millionaires showcased on it. Like most reality shows, it did not make him look great. But the other millionaire on the show looked even worse. From what I recall, he was a man in his mid-40’s from Malibu who wanted to settle down with a woman in her 30’s – but couldn’t help the fact that he was attracted to one of the brainless 24-year-old hotties. Hilarity ensues, as he ignores Patti’s sage advice (“Don’t go for the bimbo I set you up with!”) and goes on an awkward horseback ride with the young model, who, predictably, has nothing to say.

Without seeing any of Season 2, I’m pretty sure that this is the plot of at least half of the episodes. Which makes me wonder aloud: what’s the appeal of this show?

Do you view it as pure entertainment, like watching Desperate Housewives?

Do you view it as therapy, where you learn something about the universal problems of dating  from an experienced matchmaker?

Or is it, as I suspect, pure schadenfreude?

Do we just like watching rich men and beautiful women look bad to make us feel better about ourselves?

It’s impossible for me to say why Patti Stanger is a phenomenon right now. My guess is that it’s the same reason that Donald Trump is a bigger “star” than other real estate moguls. While not uniquely qualified – and believe me, I’m not “uniquely qualified” either -  her ego – and business model – is strangely magnetic.

We’re fascinated with the rich. We’re consumed by celebrity.

We pay attention to those who speak the loudest (Rush Limbaugh, Howard Stern, Jim Rome), and anoint them royalty.

What results is a world in which insight takes a back seat to volume and self-promotion.

And while we’re better off on an entertainment level, I’m pretty sure we’re losing on a deeper level.

Last month, the Dr. Phil show called me to ask me to “debate” Patti Stanger on their show. It never came to pass, but when I was gearing up, I asked a producer for an example of the kind of advice Patti gives. Here is what I was told she offered to one woman who stated her desire to meet a wealthy man:

“You want to meet a lawyer? Go stand outside a courthouse!”

Ahem.

Let’s just say I’m glad I’m a dating coach for smart women instead of a matchmaker to the rich and clueless.

Hello Evan,

I’ve been in love with my friend for over 5 years. We’ve been friends with “benefits” for over 2 years. Over the years, he always assumed we were just friends and as for me, I agreed with everything he said because I loved him. He told me two weeks ago, he was getting married to a girl he was into for many years. She finally accepted his proposal. I was devastated when he told me the news. I decided then I would cut him off because I could not handle it emotionally. I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and cry. So I cut him off. It was only a week since he didn’t hear from me. He got upset and came to see me. He said he was “hurt” I stopped talking to him. He still wants us to be friends and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to carry on as we were. He didn’t think it was a big deal that he was getting married but we could still maintain being friends. He couldn’t forget me and he will never erase me from his life. How can I pretend to be his friend?

I’ve been sleeping with him for awhile. I couldn’t imagine being introduced as his “friend” to his wife. He said everything will be normal and even I’ll get married and it will eventually all work out. What should I do? Continue being there as his “friend”? Why does he still want me around even though he’s marrying the women of his dreams?

Is he just using me?

I am so confused. Does he genuinely care for as a friend? He says so but somehow that explanation doesn’t sit well with me. If he loves his future wife as deeply as he says he does, what does he need me for?

G.D.

On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.

There are two very important pieces of information missing from your email. And until you clarify them, it’s impossible to give sound advice. But I’m going to do my best to be a detective and figure things out, logically.

The way you tell the story, it sounds like you were the “once a week” girl for two years, and then suddenly, he informed you that he was marrying his long-term crush that he had never even dated.

But something about this scenario doesn’t add up. It seems to minimize the relationship he has with his fiancée – as if he suddenly got married on a whim. Now if he DID get married on a whim – if he proposed to a girl he’d never even dated before, then, yes, I could see why you’d feel shocked and devastated at this sudden turn of events.

However, people generally don’t marry total strangers. I’m particularly skeptical because you wrote, “she finally accepted his proposal”. This indicates to me that this was his long-term GIRLFRIEND that he was marrying – not just a long-term crush.

Which brings up another question: was he cheating on his girlfriend with you for two years? Or were you friends with benefits until he got exclusive?

This, as you can imagine, makes a huge difference when it comes to assigning responsibility for how you could have ended up here, G.D.

On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.

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A former client emailed me yesterday to say that he’s planning on getting engaged. With his note, he sent a link to this article, from the New York Times’ Modern Love series. The gist of it, if you’re impatient, is that the author got so caught up in playing by “The Rules” but found it all to be a bit inauthentic for her tastes. It wasn’t until she started taking control of her love life that she actually found true love.

It’s a cute piece, and I linked to it on Facebook (become my friend!) to get the reactions of some friends. Reliable reader Cheri wrote this on my Facebook page in response:

Ok while I understand “The Rules” are a bunch of folly, the article flies in the face of your advice that tells women to sit back and see what he does; if we like it stay, if we don’t go. So how to resolved the two?

Great question, Cheri – and suitable fodder for my blog. In short, The Rules is a good concept, taken too far. Your goal is not to feign permanent indifference and make him beg for you – lots of good guys won’t be up for begging. Your goal is to assess how serious he is about you by allowing him to make an effort on his own accord.

So while I wouldn’t advocate the exact regimen of the author – phoning him regularly, for example, isn’t a recommended move – the spirit of her article is correct.

The easiest way to do this is by mirroring – giving back the same effort you get from him. That way, you never put yourself out there to “chase”: no “miss u” texts or “when are we getting together?” phone calls. You just allow him to reveal himself to you with his actions.

Sure, you can go out to a bar and smile at a cute guy to get him to approach you. You can write a flirty confident first email that lets him know that it’s HIS lucky day if he writes back. This isn’t needy – this isn’t Sadie Hawkins – this is getting you in the game.

But after that, it’s ALL up to him. Your best move is to sit back and let him win you over.

If he doesn’t try hard enough or consistently enough, it’s pretty obvious what you should do next.

The wife and I went to the Renaissance Faire yesterday. I’d gone once before, and, typical of a place that reveres 500 year old traditions, nothing had changed in the past few years.

Unfortunately, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have. Not sure why, but I was in my head all day – not fully present and enjoying my surroundings. Part of the reason was because it was blazing hot, but another reason is because I was observing a unique slice of humanity and I couldn’t wait to write about it.

As I watched the men in their tights and Olde English speaking styles, and the women in their corsets and braids…and I saw how committed they were to this Renaissance stuff… it occured to me that these folks were really, really enjoying themselves. They’d found a community where they could be like actors – reinvent themselves as whatever they wanted to be – and immerse themselves fully in their roles. I found myself torn between snark and envy as I watched thousands of people travel back in time – with a hint of irony, sure, but mostly, to escape their day-to-day concerns.

And all I could think was, “When do you tell someone that you DO this? When do you let your partner know that you’ve got chain mail and a cape that you bust out for 10 straight weekends each spring when you joust as “Sir James, the Magnificent”?

The Ren Faire just brings up that bigger question: when do you let someone see your odd side? Your weak side? Your questionable side? Your ugly side? I probably let most of my previous girlfriends know about my anxious side within the first two months. That declaration never scared anyone away in the moment – although there have been a few times when women chose not to put up with that part of me afterwards.

So, what is YOUR less desirable trait (sexual fetish, massive debt, Prozac habit) and when do you share it?

This blog post elicited a fair amount of heat, and it covered a  topic I dealt with recently in my free newsletter: the value of chasing white hot chemistry with a person whose looks are a “10″.

Now, before we get into that in great detail, I want to state 3 important disclaimers:

First, not every person who is a “10″ is damaged goods.

Second, not everyone agrees on what a “10″ is.

Third, people can be judged on things other than looks.

If a man or a woman is a 10, who is he/she going to most likely going to want to date? That’s right, another 10.

I say this, because these are the things that people invoke when discussing this – and it’s not like I’m not aware of them. However, the exception doesn’t disprove the rule.

“Rules” are rarely my opinions – more often, they are observations about how the world works. Women lie about their age. Men will not call after having sex. Smart, successful women will struggle to find equal partners.

I observe this frustrating reality and point out why it happens and what, if anything, you can do to counteract it. While I’m an emotional guy, my advice is based on logic and evidence. Generally, if you’re disagreeing with me, it’s because something I said hit you emotionally and rubs you the wrong way. That’s fair. It doesn’t negate the fact that my observations are just that – observations.

If I am to observe that a disproportionate number of “10’s” are: shallow, narcissistic, selfish, demanding, difficult, more likely to flirt, less likely to commit, and somewhat disconnected from the ‘average’ person’s reality, you might say, “Maybe…but I know this one girl who is gorgeous and sweet”. And you’d be right. It still doesn’t change that most 10’s are problematic partners.

So when I write “Stop chasing 10’s, marry the 7’s,” and my good friend Lance writes this reply:

Most hot girls are crazy, that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t advise anyone to date a 7. I say go for the 10 that’s awesome on the inside, too. They’re out there, you just have to look around and be the man that’s worthy enough to get with that gal. If you fall short, look in the mirror, and make the changes that make you attractive enough to land a 10/10.

Well, I’ve gotta disagree – vehemently – on a number of levels.

1) If a man or a woman is a 10, who is he/she going to most likely going to want to date? That’s right, another 10. Most men, in particular, don’t date “down”; they all want to date “up”.

2) If, as Lance says, you hold out for the 10’s…and every other woman holds out for the 10’s…but the male 10’s want the female 10’s…doesn’t that mean that pretty much every woman ends up not finding a partner? It’s like saying that everyone should hold out for a $500,000 salary because that’s what you’re WORTH. Well, if there’s only a few thousand of those jobs out there, there’s going to be a LOT of unemployment. That is, unless someone compromises – and finds a lower paying job (a 7) that has much better benefits and quality of life.

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I live in a small retirement community with few men my age (54), so online dating gives me access to a much broader field. It also means a much longer introductory phase, and an awkwardly pressured scenario if on meeting we are not attracted. I can deal with that, I think. But in the course of the protracted conversation, when the tone becomes increasingly intimate and anticipatory, I have to repeatedly face the unexpected revelation that the man I am “involved” with is involved, literally, with someone else, typically, an old girlfriend who is now a sex partner and good friend. Though I have said expressly in my profile that I prefer a single focus and want to be told if someone has other people in their lives (so I can figure out how to deal with it), I keep having to find out well into the hot pursuit phase. Is this just too much to ask? Should I just get over hoping for monogamy so early in the game? I just feel the other people involved would be hurt if they knew the exchanges their lover is having with me, even if it’s just over the phone, and making plans to meet. Hopelessly mired in tradition?

Michelle

Are you “wrong” for wishing for a simpler, more direct approach to communication? Not at all. Are you fighting a losing battle with technology and human nature? Absolutely.

Dear Michelle,

Great letter. One I feel I must have answered before but can’t really remember.

To put a fine point on it: yes, you’re hopelessly mired in tradition. But that’s not a flaw on your part. It’s a blind spot shared with pretty much every single person who is dating online. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

The most pervasive trait that I see in online dating is mind-numbing hypocrisy.

“I may have lied about my height by an inch…how dare she lie about her weight?”

“I’ve been dating on JDate on and off for six years…look at that loser – he’s been using JDate the entire time I’ve been on here and still hasn’t found someone.”

“I lowered my age to be seen by more people…but what’s with these guys who take off ten years and don’t tell you until the first date?”

“I’ve sent out ten emails and eight men were so rude that they didn’t reply at all; I’ve also got ten emails from interested men, but only two of them are really worth a reply.”

“Men are only looking for hot, young women…but I’ve only got the 20 most attractive men on my favorites list.”

And, of course, your dilemma.

Now, you may be the exception to the rule – for all I know, you communicate with only one man at a time and wouldn’t even consider writing an email to a new man if you were already in correspondence with another.

But that would seem to negate the entire nature of online dating – you have access to volumes of single people who also have access to volumes of single people. So are you “wrong” for wishing for a simpler, more direct approach to communication? Not at all. Are you fighting a losing battle with technology and human nature? Absolutely.

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Was just on CBS Early Show and had a blast, as usual. Julie Chen was super nice and made getting up at 3:30am well worth it. As for the “debate”? Well, it’s morning news, so there’s only so deep you can go. Too bad we didn’t have a full hour to really get in there. I had about three anecdotes about clients lying about their age that I didn’t get a chance to use.

1) My 54-year-old male client who had electric chemistry with a woman on a first date. After an hour of making out with her, he was fully smitten. Called her the next day, where she confessed that she wasn’t 54 herself. When asked how old she was, she said “Let’s just say I’m in my sixties”. They never would have met had she told the truth up front.

2) My 71-year-old female client who is on a crew team but has never confessed her age, because she doesn’t want to feel “different” than everyone else. She likes fitting in and sees no need to call attention to her age.

3) Just yesterday, my 44-year-old client, who, upon hearing about my upcoming CBS appearance, started to rail against guys who lie about their age. Yet when we logged onto her old JDate profile, she audibly gasped. “Ohmigod. I guess I lied about my age, too”.

So while I would never go and call myself an “advocate” of lying, I would say that we should reserve judgment. There’s a difference between a serial fabricator and a woman who is insecure that telling the truth will lead to age discrimination. At least that’s what I would have said, if I had more time.

But the best part of the interview was the one in which I didn’t speak (ha!) It was when Julie asked the male anchors whether they’d date an older woman. Their non-answers speak for themselves.

Check out the clip here!