A friend forwarded me an article about looks on the dating site OkCupid.com. It blew my mind.

Okay, maybe it didn’t blow my mind, but it did validate everything that I’ve ever said about online dating. I’m going to do my best to summarize– and explain what you can learn from it. According to this article…

1) Men have a very fair assessment of women’s overall attractiveness. This doesn’t mean that they’re not shallow (they are), but rather, that they are consistent and reasonable in terms of “rating” women’s looks. Continue Reading »

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Evan, I have been dating a 35-year old guy for a couple months now. When we first started fooling around, he was unable to attain an erection. It was understandable, because he was going through a divorce, and so I know he had a lot on his mind all the time, and was used to one woman for so many years. After a few weeks, he was able to have sex with me, and even reached climax a couple of times. But now…we’re back to erectile problems. There is nothing wrong with his sex drive. Even when we’re unable to have sex, he’s always making sure that I’m fulfilled in other ways. I really, really, really would love to think that there isn’t anything wrong with me…I’m only 24 years old, and I’m pretty sure that I’m not totally disgusting. It’s a very frustrating matter, because it makes me feel so unwanted. He reassures me constantly that I’m sexy and beautiful and that he does, in fact, want me. But… a body cannot lie, and his inability to maintain an erection at all times worries me. –Brittany Continue Reading »

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In O, The Oprah Magazine, eight powerful and successful women were asked what women can learn from men.

Their answers may annoy you, but they probably won’t surprise you.

Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand – Women and Men in Conversation, suggests that women should take criticism less personally and reveal less of their feelings in the workplace. She also reminds women that it is ok to disagree: “Women tend to think that if you like a person, you express agreement with them. Men often use something I call agonism—ritualized opposition. For example, a man might explore an idea by tearing it apart, by playing devil’s advocate. He’s not literally attacking the idea, he’s exploring it. But a woman might just think, ‘He hates my idea’, or even, ‘He hates me.’”

Chef Kay Sparks agrees that it is important for women to keep “disturbing emotions” out of the workplace, and to blow off stress with a sense of humor – the way men do – rather than by shedding tears.

According to ABC Reporter and former Time Magazine correspondent Tamela Edwards, “Men carry themselves with an air of expectation – a sense that they have worthy contributions and should be mentored and appreciated” and that women would do well to adopt that mindset.

Jayshree Ullal, CEO and president of Arista Networks, advises the following: “In business, women should learn from their male counterparts and emulate their confidence and logical thought processes. If not, women are likely to be perceived as emotional and tentative.”

What impact would absorbing more of these traits have on your relationship, or on the dating process? Take a look at the article and weigh in with your comments.

I was talking with a client today and she told me that her friends laughed at her when she mentioned she’d be working with me.

“You don’t need a dating coach,” they crowed. “You’re amazing, successful, and confident. Just take care of your work and family and love will take care of itself.”

Not quite.

“Love Happens When You Least Expect It” is a myth, and it’s a myth I want to dispel from your mind forever. Continue Reading »

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Dear Evan,
I met “Peter” online in January 2011 and have been emailing since. I am Canadian and so is Peter but he works in Silicon Valley. After our 2nd email, I told Peter that I do not believe in long-distance relationships even though I like his profile and he told me that he chose to connect with a Canadian girl because ultimately he wants to be relocated back to home to Toronto, where I live. In the first 2 months, we emailed once every week and in the last couple of months, we emailed each other 3-4 times a week. With all the lessons I’ve learned from you about ‘men should chase women,’ I did not ask when he will visit Toronto/visit me. He would write to say he is planning a trip and then something at work came up and he had to postpone it. Continue Reading »

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In the wake of the Anthony Wiener scandal, it’s hard not to speculate about how his beautiful, pregnant, new wife got herself involved with a guy like that.

46-year-old Weiner is a fit, intelligent, (formerly-promising) politician with a six-figure income and a reputation for being a ladies’ man.

According to Vicki Larson of Huffington Post, that’s where Weiner’s wife and other smart, beautiful, accomplished women often make their mistake. In “Hot or Not? Why Women Shouldn’t Pick Attractive Husbands”, Larson writes “The more financially independent women become, the more they prefer good-looking men. But they don’t just want their partners to be hotties; they want them to be masculine, physically fit, loving, educated, a few years older and making the big bucks. Oh, and they also have to really want to be a hubby and daddy.”

That’s a tall order.

She writes that men with more testosterone are consistently rated more handsome than other men.

And that men with more testosterone are 38 percent more likely to cheat.

She claims that the happiest couples are those in which the woman is more attractive than the man, rather than the reverse.

Read the full article here. Do you agree? What happened when you chose a guy based on his looks? Share your comments below, please.

Have you ever gone through a long dating dry spell?

It’s not like you suddenly became less confident or less attractive, you just sort of… stopped dating.

You let the online dating subscription lapse.

You didn’t go out looking for guys.

You just focused on what was right in front of you – your work, your friends, your travel, your hobbies and passions.

And you were good at it. And you enjoyed it. And it was easy. Continue Reading »

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Hello Evan. I recently started dating a girl. I really enjoy her company and she enjoys mine. We get along fine, we’re really into each other and we share many commonalities. There’s only one issue – money! I have absolutely no problems taking her out on dates and footing the bill 100% but we’ve been on about 5 dates and we’ve hung out with mutual friends on numerous occasions, but she never even offers to pay – not even a disingenuous offer. I understand that if we are happy, then money is a small price to pay, but I barely finished college and only make $40,000 a year. I cannot afford to spend $200 every weekend. I mean, even when we’re not on dates, she expects me to pay. I don’t know how she got this old fashioned mindset, but it’s really starting to bug me. Personally, I work just as hard as she does for my money and I don’t find it fair but at the same time, I find it too early in the relationship to bring it up. I just don’t want her getting the idea that I’m ok with it or that she can take advantage. Continue Reading »

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The belief that the future will be much better than the past and present is known as the optimism bias.

A recent Time Magazine article by Tali Sharot examines this bias.

You might expect optimism to fade when confronted with the reality of 21st century dating: guys who don’t call after a great first date, relationships that fall apart after three months, marriage proposals that never materialize. The study concludes that we can become pessimistic about the general state of things, but privately, optimism about our own futures remains intact. Even hearing that the odds of divorce are almost 1 in 2 tends not to make us think that our own marriages may be destined to fail.

The extensive study used brain-imaging results to conclude that while healthy people expect the future to be slightly better than it ends up being, people with severe depression tend to be pessimistically biased: they expect things to be worse than they end up being. People with mild depression are relatively accurate when predicting future events. They see the world as it is.

Says Sharot, “A canceled flight is hardly tragic, but even when the incidents that befall us are the type of horrific events we never expected to encounter, we automatically seek evidence confirming that our misfortune is a blessing in disguise. No, we did not anticipate losing our job, being ill or getting a divorce, but when these incidents occur, we search for the upside. These experiences mature us, we think. They may lead to more fulfilling jobs and stable relationships in the future. Interpreting a misfortune in this way allows us to conclude that our sunny expectations were correct after all — things did work out for the best.”

According to social psychologist Leon Festinger, we reevaluate the options post-choice to reduce the tension that arises from making a difficult decision between equally desirable options. Without this, our lives might well be completely filled with second-guessing. Did we choose the right man? Should go back to our ex? We would find ourselves stuck, overcome by indecision and unable to move forward.

The article asks “How do we remain optimistic about dating while at the same time guarding against the pitfalls associated with being TOO optimistic?” What do you think? Looking forward to your comments.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I spend a LOT of time talking to women on the phone about their love lives.

In fact, I’ve participated in so much girl talk, I’m like an honorary girlfriend at this point.

And the one thing that I consistently hear from women is this:

I want a man who is a leader.

I want a man who makes decisions.

I want a man who has a plan. Continue Reading »

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