Hi Evan, My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (off and on) says he loves me everyday, but his actions don’t follow his words. He doesn’t show me affection or attention, either physically or verbally. By this I mean he does not send text messages to say good morning anymore, he calls sometimes, but never to just say “Hi, I am thinking of you”; it’s always just to ask a financial question or work-related question. Sometimes he calls to tell me he needs something or to tell me something that happened to him. He never builds me up with kind or sweet words like he did in the beginning. He very rarely touches me, and sex has diminished ALOT over the last 10 months. It’s as though he lives in his world by himself, and so I am supposed to live by myself in mine, yet we live together…. I’m not saying that I require these things everyday, but every once in a while it would be nice to know that he thinks I am pretty or sweet or SOMETHING. I don’t think I am being too high maintenance by wanting his attention, but then again, I am not a guy and don’t know what they think or why they think it. He has asked me about marrying him a few times; I say “about” because he later told me that he was just asking to see where I was on the subject, not REALLY asking. Yet if he says something to me involving marrying him, I playfully reply with “I haven’t been asked”, to which he replies, “I have asked you”. So now not only does his behavior confuse me, but I cant help but wonder is he just not that into me, but afraid to break up? What do I do? I feel like I am in a sea of uncertainty and wasting my life away waiting on him. Your thoughts? –Michelle Continue Reading »

I thought this Modern Love piece from the New York Times was a really well-written, reflective piece about how one can be a feminist and still want to have a man.

Says the author, Alexandra Franklin, a sophomore at the University of Alabama, “I don’t mind being a part of a whole when Dan is the other part. I don’t feel like less of a feminist, or less of a person, or less in any way. I feel more complete, but not necessarily because of him; it is just because I have found a friend who makes me laugh and also happens to love me even when I’m not very lovable.”

This is great wisdom about what’s important in relationships. In laying herself bare, the author also briefly touches on how difficult it must have been to date her. Her fierce independence. Her ambivalence. Her intensity. Her work ethic. Her preference to join the Peace Corps and not have kids for a long, long time. Her bulimia and anorexia.

And that’s the thing that often gets swept under the rug by smart, driven, successful, women… There’s no crime in being any of those things, but there is very much a tradeoff for men who choose them. Most men choose to opt out because while the relationship is invariably interesting and challenging, it’s also tiring and difficult. The author seems to own this and is appreciative of her very patient boyfriend. (By the way, this is not a gender-based observation about smart, driven, successful people – there’s a similarly HUGE tradeoff for dating the Bill Clintons, Newt Gingriches, Salman Rushdies and Tiger Woodses of the world).

The question I have is whether you own your flaws or you expect men to not be bothered by them at all?

Personally, once I owned my flaws, I found the humility necessary to be a good husband. It’s a great improvement on thinking how lucky anyone would be to marry me, dontcha think?

I was on the phone last week with Laura.

Like most of my clients (and probably, like you), she’s quite a catch. Blonde, great smile, looks amazing for her age, creative and fulfilling career…and still, no guy.

For a long time, love wasn’t a priority, but as she got into her mid-40’s and achieved all the work success that she’d ever sought, she felt a deep yearning.

It’s not that she regretted the opportunities that passed her by in the past – it’s that she made a strong determination in 2010 that she didn’t want to be alone any more.

But she didn’t know where to begin.

She knows herself well – driven by success, fiery, opinionated.

She knows what kind of men she’s been drawn to – more successful, more fiery, more opinionated.

And yet, nothing has stuck. The most attractive men seem to be the worst partners.

Have you ever thought the same thing? Continue Reading »

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Can I tell a guy he’s moving too fast and not hurt him? I’ve met a really nice guy online, and I’m very attracted to him. He’s 39 and I’m 33. We’ve had 5 dates. After the 3rd date, he told me he was going to take his profile down. I was flattered so I agreed to do the same. He said I didn’t have to, but I said I would. My biggest problem is I’m too agreeable and passive. I did it to please him and be polite. But now after 5 dates, I feel that I never should have agreed to this before I was ready. I really like him. He is sweet, caring and affectionate. In the past I have always rushed into relationships and been hurt. This time I need to take things slow. I’m not ready for an exclusive relationship – I want to keep my online profile open for 2 months while I get to know him better. How can I do this without hurting him? I also want to tell him I’m not ready for a sexual relationship before the 3-month mark. I’d really appreciate your advice. I really like this guy and don’t want to hurt him. But I also want to move at a pace that is comfortable for me. –Lucy Continue Reading »

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Been on a string of bad dates lately? Did he check out other women during the date? Talk about himself too much? Make you plan the date?

Take heart – even if you weren’t able to score on your date, you could still be a winner with Schmitten Kitten’s Bad Date Bingo!

I can guarantee you this: for all you complain about dating, as a veteran of 300 dates over 10 years, I can pretty much match any of you, bad story for bad story. In retrospect, you’ll see that none of it means anything and the quicker you can laugh at the bad dates and put yourself back out there, the quicker you’ll find a love that lasts. Just last night my wife was telling me that she loves my bad date stories (this one was about me paying for a nice sushi dinner, not getting a “thank you” at the end of the night, and then giving oral sex without receiving any in return. Ah, how I loved being single!)

Anyway, take a look at the card here and share your WORST date below…

You’ve been through a LOT when it comes to love.

You’ve dated guys with whom you felt the most incredible connection, only to find out that they weren’t serious about you.

You’ve dated guys with whom you didn’t feel much connection at all, and hung on for awhile hoping it would develop.

You’ve dated guys who seemed great on paper, but one or both of you just couldn’t find a way to make a commitment.

Everything you did, you did for a reason, and I’m not going to second-guess any of those decisions of the past.

I am, however, going to share three things I learned this weekend at my 20th High School Reunion – and illustrate how they may apply to you… Continue Reading »

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Evan, is it a good idea to date a guy who is in the final stages of a divorce or even right after his divorce is final? A guy in the final stage of his divorce pursued me every time I ran into him and called and said he’s so into me and hasn’t been attracted to any other woman. I was apprehensive to become involved because I thought he would need time and space and to be out there on his own for a while. We haven’t slept together, but still have become emotionally involved and the chemistry is intense. I thought it was time to make the connection physical and intimate… Now, he’s saying he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t think he’s ready to make any kind of commitment and if we become intimate, then what? He feels I would have some expectations and I’m not into casual sex, so I’m sure I would. Why would he lead me on to begin with, even when I was hesitant to become involved when I knew his situation? –Donna Continue Reading »

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Blogger BbSezMore recently wrote that when she was single, she never stopped to think about what she offered to a man, other than love. “It seemed so simple back then: if you loved someone, and they loved you back, then it all worked out. Game, set, match.”

These days, everyone want to know: “What’s in it for me???” Continue Reading »

I’ve got a great story that I want to share with you today.

Even though I bill myself as a dating coach for “smart, strong, successful women”, I still maintain a few male clients.

I enjoy working with guys because, when they’re motivated, they’re hardworking and highly coachable. Plus, the men who gravitate towards me are usually “nice guys” who just need a little bit of an edge to succeed wildly with women.

In other words, most of my men are the one you should be dating in real life – the kind that are open to learning and growth and are willing to spend thousands of dollars to learn how to better connect with women.

The guy who called me today is completely different – and I had such an interesting phone call with him that I wanted to share it with you. Continue Reading »

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Hi, Evan. This question is inspired by the Does Acting Like A Man Mean Acting Like A Jackass? post on your blog. I’m a woman, and I’m a stud. Anyway, I always kind of felt that I was. I am/was good-looking, bright, charming, witty, successful with “the boys,” etc. Over the years, my intelligence and emotional unavailability have separated me from the sluts – male and female. No shocker, I was raised in a volatile, withholding environment and am most comfortable in superficial relationships. In fact, I run into the sunset when confronted with the possibility of commitment. Yes, I am a prize. Before I get a pat on the back for my self-awareness, though, I need to confess that it’s taken me decades to recognize this stuff about myself, and, over those decades, I’ve hurt some very good men (and some real assholes, which is tough to regret, but which I do regret in a kind of Buddhist way). And I’ve hurt myself. What’s saddest, and what I think is sad for so many of us “studs”, is that we may never know true intimacy. What a waste of a life. I remember from a college psych class that Freud wrote life was comprised only of “love and work, work and love”, so us illustrious studs basically suck. My question: have you or your wife known any women who, at a late date, wanted to mend their ways, and actually managed to do so? –Lynn Continue Reading »

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