I seem to have the opposite problem of most of the women in your blog when it comes to online dating – too much of a good thing! I get a fair number of interesting replies and first messages and there are two things I’m struggling with. First, is there an acceptable way to say, “My dance card is pretty full right now, but I’ll get back to you in a few weeks if none of those dates go further?” I can’t think of a good way to phrase this that doesn’t sound like the guy is “second choice” or a backup option – and usually he is a perfectly interesting and attractive person, not a second choice at all, but I don’t want to be in the situation of having three different dates every week and having to draw up a spreadsheet to keep track of them all! At the same time, changing my profile status to “seeing someone” every time I go on a second date seems like overkill. Continue Reading »

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Writer, teacher and public speaker Arjuna Ardagh wrote an article for Huffington Post a couple of years ago that stuck with me. (Ardagh was behind the much-talked-about video I featured in this blog post.)

In it, he wrote:

I have had many, many great teachers in my life. A super abundance. No one and nothing comes close to the woman who is now asleep in the bedroom. My marriage has become the guru, the salvation, the muse, the crack through which the divine shines through.

On this point, I agree with him entirely. I was perfectly content and self-sufficient before I got married. Now, my world would be shattered if she were gone. There is a healthy co-dependence that comes from building something that’s bigger than either of you and depends on the both of you for its very existence. When you’re in someone’s corner completely and you feel 100% safe, life is as beautiful as can possibly be. This is what I wish for you, if you wish it for yourself.

The author, however, is not content with mutual respect, laughter, and trust. He’s big on “worship”. That’s where he loses me. Particularly this paragraph, which should make every man shudder or laugh:

“Do what I did, and create an altar in your room dedicated to Divine Feminine. Put only symbols of the feminine on it. I have a painting called “Beatrix” by Dante Gabriel Rossetti. I have a statue of Quan Kin. Populate your altar with anything that reminds you of the feminine, and spend a few minutes of the day in worship. Yes, worship. Adoration. Devotion. Offer up rose petals. Offer poems. Offer everything, and beg Her to reveal Her innermost essence to you. This will work miracles whether you’re single and waiting to meet the right woman or whether you’re already in relationship and long to meet your woman in a deeper way.”

I’m all about communication and depth; but a shrine? Really? For every woman that will feel honored by your respect for her goddessness, there will be 10 who are completely creeped out by you.

Want to be a good partner, guys? Watch your kid while she goes on a girls’ night out. Plan a romantic staycation with a spa treatment. Call her to tell her you love her while you’re away on business. I did all these things in the past week and my relationship is both deep and strong – without having to build myself a vagina-shaped fireplace that uses Georgia O’Keefe prints as kindling.

Read the full article here and let me know what you think. Is respect enough? Or do you prefer “worship”? And if you’re a goddess, does that make him a god? And does that mean he gets his own penis shrine, as well?

I want you to imagine the perfect man.

He’s your age.

He’s fit.

He’s passionate about his work and makes a good living.

He texts you every day and calls you almost every night.

He refers to you as his girlfriend.

He tells you he loves you after only 3 months together.

He’s already talking about vacation plans for 2012.

Sounds nice, huh? Continue Reading »

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Dear Evan,

It’s been enlightening to read your blog. I’ve been paying more attention to social situations now, including my own. I have a general question based on my recent observations.

I went to many parties during the holiday season. I met smart, strong, successful single women at all of these events. It struck me recently that all of these women give off a vibe that is similar. I am also more in tune with my intuition at this point in my life. That intuition further tells me that these women are all on a similar path. It is as follows: Continue Reading »

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Too many people learn life’s valuable lessons too late. Many waste years getting it wrong and lament that they have so little time to get it right.

Enter an invaluable source of help, if you’re willing to listen: elderly people who have learned these lessons over time and can help guide younger generations.

The Cornell Legacy Project interviewed more than 1,000 older Americans from different economic, educational and occupational strata. And what they concluded was, well, what you may have read one or two times on this very blog:

“A satisfying marriage that lasts a lifetime is more likely to result when partners are fundamentally similar and share the same basic values and goals. Although romantic love initially brings most couples together, what keeps them together is an abiding friendship, an ability to communicate, a willingness to give and take, and a commitment to the institution of marriage as well as to each other.”

Read the New York Times piece about this study here, and read the life lessons from the elderly here.

Do you think that there’s some hard-won wisdom from someone who’s lived 70 years? Or do you think that their advice is passe and irrelevant if you’re under the age of 40?

I’ll admit, I was bracing for the worst.

It’s not always popular (or smart!) to tease your readers, but I’m glad you were able to take it in stride.

In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at how many NICE things you had to say about last Thursday’s blog, which suggested that you may be holding men to a somewhat unreasonable standard:

This was FANTASTIC!! The more straight up, in your face and bold you get, the better. Great job!!!

Lucia Continue Reading »

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So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month and things are going great. We have not had any problems and we both see a long future for the both of us together. We actually met through a dating site and we were talking a few weeks before our first date. The problem I am dealing with is that a couple days after our first date, I actually had a one-night stand after a long night at the bar. I feel bad about it every time I think about and I feel even worse every time the girl I’m dating brings up the fact of how she can trust me and how she loves how honest I am with her. So my question to you is, when would be the appropriate time for me to tell her about this, and if there is not an appropriate time, than what should do I do so this doesn’t eat me up alive every time I think about? (I feel this is one of those things where telling her would be an easy way for me to feel better, but would end up doing more harm than good in the end.) –Jason

Jason,

Your radar is right on the money.

You’re considered honest and trustworthy by your girlfriend.

You care about her and see a potential future with her.

You feel bad that you were with someone in the time that you knew her.

You want to get this guilt off your chest and aren’t quite sure how she’d take it.

Yep. Your heart’s in the right place.

The only difference between you and me is that I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Continue Reading »

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In an article in this month’s Psychology Today, Rebecca Webber writes that “At some point in every relationship it’s natural to ask whether your partner is the right one for you. But if that’s as far as you go, you’re missing the opportunity of your life.”

“Sooner or later, there comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it’s all a dreadful mistake,” says Boston family therapist Terrence Real. It happens a few months to a few years in. “It’s an open secret of American culture that disillusionment exists. I go around the country speaking about ‘normal marital hatred.’ Not one person has ever asked what I mean by that. It’s extremely raw.”

What should you do when the initial attraction to you partner wears off? “I call it the first day of your real marriage,” Real says. It’s not a sign that you’ve chosen the wrong partner. It is the signal to grow as an individual — to take responsibility for your own frustrations.”

Finally, one other thing that caught my eye:

“Although there are no guarantees, there are stable personal characteristics that are generally good and generally bad for relationships. On the good side: sense of humor; even temper; willingness to overlook your flaws; sensitivity to you and what you care about; ability to express caring. On the maladaptive side: chronic lying; chronic worrying or neuroticism; emotional overreactivity; proneness to anger; propensity to harbor grudges; low self-esteem; poor impulse control; tendency to aggression; self-orientation rather than an other-orientation.”

Sound like anything you may have read before?

Read the entire article here and you’ll quickly see that it’s everything I try to teach myself. Accepting your partner. Being more patient and understanding. Taking responsibility for your own actions. Not getting too caught up by chemistry. Finding your own humility.

People who get these concepts can create a healthy relationship; people who don’t will find that long-term romance may not be in the cards.

Seriously. Do yourself a favor and commit this piece to memory.

Your thoughts, as always, are appreciated.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love”, felt trapped.

She left her husband, sold a book, and took her book advance to find herself (and transcendent love) in Italy, India and Indonesia.

You know the rest.

Oprah, 3 years on New York Times Best Seller list, and a few years ago, a movie starring Julia Roberts.

So it should be no surprise that “Eat, Pray, Love” has been on my mind recently. Not just because all of my clients feel inspired by it, but because of its billboard campaign for the movie, which reads: Continue Reading »

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Evan, I have a common problem that you’ve responded to lots of times: I fooled myself into thinking that my friend of 10 years had feelings for me, and when I mustered up the nerve to tell him, I was shot down. I thought I had read the signs right. We talked almost every day, he told me I was hot, he told me that he fantasized about me, and we went traveling together. He never actually made a move on me though. Now that I know my feelings are not returned, I’ve cut him out of my life so that I can move on and find someone who truly does love me. I have to admit though, that this whole experience has left me scarred. I was wondering if you could explain how to avoid a situation like this in the future. Do men always ask out a woman they’re immediately interested in? Does love never grow over time? Does the romantic story of “When Harry Met Sally” really just exist in the movies? –Angelina Continue Reading »