Comments on: A Checklist To Determine That He’s Just Not That Into You, Once And For All!

By: Clare

Clare — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 07:21:21 +0000

I’ve read He’s Just Not That Into You, and I’m not wild about it, or the phrase. I think for women it can feel a little like getting hit on the head with a two by four. I agree the message is an important one.
But I prefer, instead of the somewhat harsh-sounding “He’s Just Not That Into You”, consulting what’s going on inside me. How do I really feel about someone who is so flakey/inconsistent/unavailable/openly tells me he doesn’t want a relationship/is pursuing other people? I must say, usually my enquiry stops there. I don’t usually even have to ask if he’s that into me or not. Do *you* really want someone who expresses no clear interest in you?
It’s a subtle shift perhaps, but I think it’s every bit as important, if not more so, for women to focus on how they feel, rather than just trying to work out how he feels.

By: A.

A. — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 12:22:46 +0000

It’s funny, I’ve had: actually several situations where signs of “he’s just not that into you”, actually did mean, “he’s incredibly into you, but there’s a real reason why the relationship wouldn’t work, so he’s trying to be nonchalant.”

One was sharing an apartment with his sister, a very close friend of mine, and was working 60 hours a week: she became jealous and angry at the thought of us dating, and he couldn’t afford, financially or emotionally, to shake things up. Another was a close friend and business partner of an ex: again, he couldn’t afford to mess up the relationship with my ex. ETC.

Just for maturity’s sake, there are times when “HJNTIY” is actually not the case. Both of these men, and a few others, would call me constantly, flirt, offer me gifts, etc. and then randomly bail, act weird, or be distant.

Either way, if he’s displaying mixed messages, it generally means get outta there!

By: Lily

Lily — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:41:44 +0000

EVAN YOU RULE!!!
Absolutely fabulous response and such a breath of fresh air. I SO WISH I had access to you when I spent 8 years with a man I was head-over-heels in love with, who abruptly broke up with me out of the blue one evening after dinner. No discussion, no explanation. And no commitment, either. For such a smart woman, I was very, very stupid to have wasted so many years wishing, hoping, yearning, fantasizing. It really is simple. If a man is into you, he commits. Period.

By: JS1613

JS1613 — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:10:58 +0000

Does this apply to long term relationships as well?

By: Miranda

Miranda — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:14:33 +0000

I wanted to add something to my previous post: that means for the girl from the posting to make sure he is a respectful person. If he is, he won’t lead her on. “I am not able to have a relationship at the moment but I like you and want to see where things go” will mean exactly that. I have said that to guys and meant it. I have felt nothing for a guy I fell head over heels for at a later point, because I was so numb inside from previous hurts. Sometimes it can be worth waiting, sometimes not, but I think it depends more on the person than on HJNTIY.

By: Miranda

Miranda — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 12:40:33 +0000

Evan, I really enjoy your blog, it is extremely entertaining (and you know it;).
But I constantly think you miss an important thing about dating: there are decent people and non decent people. The latter will mess with you at some point no matter if they want a relationship, don’t want one, marry you, etc…
So in situations like these, instead of asking “is he into me, is he not?” this girl should rather find out if this guy respects her and if they share the same values. If that’s the case, it is impossible for him to hurt her that much, because he will make sure not to take advantage of anyone.
I have been twice in casual relationships in which I developed more feelings and wanted a relationship. The first guy ended up committing to me after a few months, saying “as there is so much attraction between us, I think we need to give this a try”. He was a sweet, caring person.
The other one did not really committ, but kept coming back and I think I could have made him at some point (after a few months of no contact), because his interest level was still soooo high. But at that point I realized I didn’t want him to leave his then gf, because he tried to cheat on her with me… and I realized he is UNABLE to have a deep, meaningful relationship.
Sorry I just wanted to get this off my chest… girls and guys, if you deal with a good person, they will either date you at some point or leave you alone – and not treat you like shit, because it’s not in them and they will back off or do they right thing once they realize they hurt you. So look at their personalities. If they disrespect you, even marriage with them will never ever be fulfilling!!!

By: Kate Candy

Kate Candy — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 04:56:48 +0000

Evan,
Is there any way that guys don’t have the checklist? I dated a guy for over a year who swore he was into me, who made future plans with me, who wanted to see me every Friday and Saturday, but did not have regular sex with me, who did not tell me he loved me regularly, who did not immediately call every night, asked me if I wanted to be referred to as a girlfriend and when I said yes, still introduced me as his friend. I ended up cutting things off because he felt that there were more important things in a relationship than sex and communication (that’s a quote).

Guys seem to break down in two categories: guys who will commit and guys who will not. But I don’t know any guys who would pass the checklist. If we meet a guy who does want a committed relationship, can we show them the checklist and say, “You want to know what women want? Here it is.”

By: jacinta

jacinta — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 17:52:05 +0000

what would be your postition on a guy who has a lot of other issues going on (like a family member with terminal illness) for example. Would that affect whether they are going to be in touch or not? I am struggling with this situation right now, and I think that if you really like someone, you want to see them regardless of what´s going on in your life, and it´s sometihng postiive.

By: Sarahrahrah!

Sarahrahrah! — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 09:00:29 +0000

Ah, gee, Evan, you wrote an entire column on this after I misquoted your original list. Thank you!

I wanted to alert you and your readers about an excellent article that was published in the NYTimes weekender edition, entitled, “He’s Just Not That Into Anyone”:

It chronicles the effects of porn on men’s romantic relationships —- and it isn’t good, but it IS informative. What I took away from the article was that there may be otherwise really good dating prospects out there, but if they’d rather sit home and whack off in front of the computer (pardon my crudeness, but I think we need a dose of reality), we can’t fix them AND we’re better off without them.

Cheers and happy dating to all in 2011!

(Evan, I’m praying for your family and your upcoming bundle of joy! Thanks for freely giving in the form of this blog.)

By: Denise

Denise — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 19:18:08 +0000

#93 Steve

Right on in regard to there only being a handful of people that are willing and AVAILABLE to enter a relationship. Timing is everything as they say…that’s why it’s good to keep our boundaries about us and deal in reality. He’s just not into you, checklist or whatever, is a good way to do that.