Advice From A Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend

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May12

09:19 am on May 12th 2008 Evan Marc Katz

Now, you may be thinking, “Well, if he doesn’t know he angered or hurt you, he’ll continue to do it.” I agree. Men can’t read our minds. But you have to remember what’s important in the grand scheme of things. Is it better to assume he is being malicious and tell him so? Or is it better to give him the benefit of the doubt and, in doing so, keep the peace? My method is this: If I am still thinking about that annoying thing he said the next morning, then perhaps it warrants a discussion. A man who loves a woman wants to know if he did something to offend her. And hopefully by bringing it up later she will have had time to cool down so the “discussion” does not turn into a full-blown argument.

If I am still thinking about that annoying thing he said the next morning, then perhaps it warrants a discussion. A man who loves a woman wants to know if he did something to offend her.

Evan is truly the most conscientious and self-aware boyfriend I’ve had. But even he will say things that could bother/hurt/anger me if I let them. For instance, it has never upset me when he makes fun of my love of food (if you catch any woman on the wrong day – and, no I don’t mean just that time of the month – she could interpret this as, “you eat too much, you’re getting fat”). I also take it in stride when he says that one of his female friends is the funniest or sweetest or most in-shape girl he knows (it wouldn’t be too difficult to hear, “I wish you were funny/sweet/in-shape”). Since I know he would never purposely hurt my feelings, I don’t try to read between the lines to extract some other, less-flattering meaning to his off-handed comments.

But I am human and my feelings do sometimes get hurt. One time I remember Evan saying that I did not fit the mold of what he thought he wanted. Of course, I already knew that. He always pictured himself with an Ivy-league educated, East Coast Jewish girl. And I pictured myself with…well, not a guy like Evan. But it wasn’t the East Coast Jewish comment that bothered me. It was the “Ivy-League” part. Even if I didn’t go to a nationally ranked school, I want my boyfriend to appreciate my intelligence. So, one night before we went to bed, I let Evan know how I felt. He apologized and reassured me that he does think I’m intelligent, he doesn’t care about labels, and he’d make an effort to be more sensitive in the future. And since he couldn’t take back what he said, that’s all I could ask of him.

Now imagine if EVERYTHING he said was dissected like this one issue. How could he ever feel comfortable speaking freely? How could he ever be himself around me?

The answer is, he couldn’t.

Like I mentioned in the “Don’t Cry Wolf” section, Evan would end up feeling like he had to walk on eggshells around me for fear that I will interpret something he says in a way that could upset me, even if that is clearly not his intention. So he would end up having a different persona with me than he does with any of his other friends. We women do not want to have to act differently in our relationship than we do at work or with our girlfriends, so we shouldn’t force our men into that awkward situation by jumping all over everything they say.

I hope this resonated with you. Again, I don’t consider myself an expert in anything but my own life. Thanks for reading.

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16 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice, Uncategorized

16 Responses to “Advice From A Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend”

Mike May 12th 2008 at 10:19 am 1

Oh this is gold.
Jennifer May 12th 2008 at 11:30 am 2

This girl is THE TRUTH! Loved this post and so glad you re-ran it, as I missed it the first time.
Steve May 12th 2008 at 12:08 pm 3

Wow…just wow. I wish there were questions about this essay every girl’s and woman’s driving test. What a beautiful world it would be.

EGF, if you ever get tired of Evan I know of another single atheist of European Jewish descent

“Advice From A Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend”

- great title for a book. I’m serious
cinnamon May 12th 2008 at 01:24 pm 4

Great post!
Especially the final part of it:
” (he) would end up feeling like he had to walk on eggshells around me for fear that I will interpret something he says in a way that could upset me, even if that is clearly not his intention. So he would end up having a different persona with me than he does with any of his other friends.”
Definitely spurred a few thoughts (and memories) in me. Thanks!
Single Mom Seeking May 13th 2008 at 06:54 am 5

I remember this the first time around — and it’s great to read it again. Thanks so much… that’s coming from a very emotional woman.

So, Evan, when are you going to propose to this amazing woman? That’s the big question.
Leslie May 13th 2008 at 07:02 am 6

She’s good….wise and a good writer. I’ve read this post before and parts of it stuck with me. Now reading it a second time I find even more value. I’d love to hear from your girlfriend (I don’t think you’ve written about her by name) more often.
Kay May 13th 2008 at 09:42 am 7

Hi Evan,

This was a good article. Your girlfriend makes a lot of sense. It’s a good thing all of us aren’t as in tune as she is otherwise you’d have too much time on your hands. I’m wondering when we’ll be hearing your wedding bells too. You seem to have found a wonderful woman, so what are you waiting for? Its okay Evan, you can still give advice on being single and dating even if you get married, because I hear the best way to have a successful marriage is to treat your husband or wife, like you’re still dating… and you are the expert. Take Care.
Steve May 13th 2008 at 11:01 am 8

Kay May 13th 2008 at 09:42 am 7
Hi Evan,
This was a good article. Your girlfriend makes a lot of sense.

Only the U.S. Mint makes cents.
Steve May 13th 2008 at 11:18 am 9

Single Mom Seeking May 13th 2008 at 06:54 am 5
So, Evan, when are you going to propose to this amazing woman? That’s the big question.

Evan, I can get you out of this one…

SMS, Evan wouldn’t have much respect as a dating expert if he didn’t make use of knowledge that he has.

It has been mentioned a number of times on this blog that scientists now believe that the feeling known as romantic love lasts between 1 – 3 years. It has also been mentioned on this blog that while people are in that zone, they are likely to minimize incompatibility issues with the other person, if they notice those issues at all. Romantic love temporarily disables a person’s judgment in regards to who they are with.

So, the most rational time to decide whether or not you should marry someone is after the romantic love phase has worn off and your full judgment in regards to that person has been fully restored.

Evan hasn’t been dating is girlfriend for the maximum of 3 years yet.
JNez May 16th 2008 at 01:44 pm 10

nothing really groundbreaking here. when two people genuinely are in love with and care about each other, it works because they make sacrifices to ensure their partner’s happiness. when one partner is alone in love, it doesn’t happen. most times we are alone in love, and once in a while, we hit the jackpot and find “the one”. hopefully you’ve found yours.
Michele May 18th 2008 at 08:59 am 11

Mike (1).

Her post sure is GOLD, as well as pertinent to any age group, SES and both genders.
vino May 20th 2008 at 09:43 am 12

Golden Rule Section especially good
the foreigner May 27th 2008 at 10:28 am 13

This was a great post, I hope you’ll continue writing.

Though I’ve always wondered exactly _what_ to do when I’m getting the silent treatment from a woman. Should I ask about it or pretend like it’s raining or..?

Thanks =)
hunter May 30th 2008 at 09:31 am 14

Having to work with herds of men all day, I have learned to “tighten” up my conversation if a woman is present. Women are different, they don’t talk like men do. This lead me to walk on eggshells for years…..
Salma Feb 26th 2009 at 10:36 am 15

I’m really glad I read this- alas, I am a hypersensitive woman (I’m working on changing that). And although I don’t get into shouting matches with guys, or throw glasses of champagne in their faces when pissed, I’m prone to the whole brooding, silent treatment thing.

I should definitely listen to your wife, Evan- I think I’d have more peace of mind when it comes to men.
Evian Mar 18th 2009 at 07:55 am 16

I tend to be one of those girls who lets her emotions get the best of her, and I speak what I feel. I’ve noticed lately, my husband rolling his eyes at me if I get upset at him for saying something that hurts my feelings, like he doesn’t take it seriously. It bothered me for a long time, until I finally looked it up. I know I’m not perfect but it stinks to have him roll his eyes if I’m hurt over something.

I think this is the best advice I’ve read. Maybe I AM being over critical and just need to give him some Mulligans, and maybe he’ll start being less “Omg she’s being crazy again” and attentive to my feelings. Thanks a bunch.