Comments on: Special Blog Post! Advice from a Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend

By: JerseyGirl

JerseyGirl — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 17:27:22 +0000

My post was critical. As was yours. I am not asking for blind validation anymore then I hope you aren’t when it comes to the people that post on this blog. At the end of the day it is your blog and you can be as critical as you want.

I’m sorry I shared my opinion on the subject even though I disagree with some of what you are saying and am confused by it. I guess I shouldn’t have voiced my own concerns or questions. There are times when I have agreed with you and voiced that but you can choose to ignore those times if you want to. I sometimes agree and sometimes I don’t.

As for “bettering” myself, you have no idea on that. Or what I’ve done to try and understand men. I can safely bet my effort to understand men is more so then their effort to understand me.

A-L, thanks for the response.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 01:42:14 +0000

And yes, A-L. Everything you wrote is true. I work on being a better husband all the time. And I work at it because my wife is so kind and accepting that I WANT to be better for her.

My observation is that the hater on this blog really don’t want to change, don’t want to get better, don’t want to do anything different. They just want to keep doing what they’re doing but get different results. Classic definition of insanity.

I’m admittedly far from perfect, but I’m ALWAYS trying to change, get better, do things different – all by looking in the mirror and trying to fix what’s not working. It’s a lot more effective than trying to change my wife.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 01:37:12 +0000

Jersey,

Instead of getting on this blog and criticizing everything that you think is unfair about me or the world, why don’t you consider how you can better understand men, dating, and yourself? Nearly everything you say is critical of me for doing my job.

And, each time, you forget the very basic premise of this website:

Women ask me for advice. My advice will NEVER EVER EVER be about how men should change. Why? Because you can’t change men. My advise will ALWAYS be about how the original poster can learn or change or adapt or grow or leave a losing situation. Because that’s what she CAN control.

If 85% of my questions came from men, they would get the same exact responses from me. “Don’t try to change women,” “Leave if you don’t like the effort she’s giving you,” “Don’t expect her to be better to you after you get married”, etc. Somehow you don’t get that. If women ask for advice, women should be prepared for constructive criticism, not blind validation.

By the way, I use myself as an example to illustrate the very principles I’m trying to teach you. My humility about dating is what allowed me to find love. I stopped chasing the most “impressive” women and focused on finding the woman who was BEST to me.

Yet the readers who lash out refuse to follow that advice. They don’t want to settle or compromise or accept – all they want to do is complain that there are no good men out there – and then complain that I’m busy defending the bad ones. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Your interpretation of “Find someone who accepts you fully for who you are” is “Evan says that men should be allowed to be difficult and women should not.” Your interpretation of “The person who accepts you for who you are might not excite you in the same exact way” becomes “Evan says I should settle”. Huh? This is a complete misintepretation and I’m pretty sick of it at this point.

If you consistently don’t like what I say, I implore you: change the channel.

By: A-L

A-L — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 00:25:02 +0000

JerseyGirl,

Don’t Cry Wolf: Don’t complain or throw a fit about every little thing. Only do it when you really care about it.

The Golden Rule: Treat others how you would like to be treated.

Mulligans: If someone loves you, assume they didn’t intentionally try to hurt you. And if you’re still feeling hurt 12+ hours later, tell them about it so they don’t do it again.

Though the advice was sort of addressed towards women, it’s equally applicable to men. And I suspect that if men wrote to Evan about these issues (rather than I’m trying to go out with a woman 20+ years younger than me, why aren’t I successful?) that they’d get the same advice.

These are probably similar to guidelines that consultants advise employees to do while working when trying to promote a positive work environment. It’s not just how women should treat men when in a romantic relationship. It’s how everyone should treat everyone else when in any kind of a relationship.

And how do any of these three things suppress or change one’s personality? As far as I see, they don’t. And I’m also willing to guess that Evan’s followed these same guidelines in his own relationship. For a guy who’s as into the whole self-help thing as Evan is, I can’t imagine that he’s not trying to work on his own issues as well. But maybe I’m wrong and Evan or the wife will pipe in. (They can pipe in anyway even if I’m write )

By: JerseyGirl

JerseyGirl — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:35:46 +0000

I agree with Kate’s sentiments. Evan, you sound proud of being “a piece of work”. My perception is that you think it makes you more endearing even while you jest about it. I guess this confuses me because your advice, along with your wife’s, is all about how to make women more accommodating to their men. Why would you take pride in “being a piece of work” yet advise women to be more pleasing to their men if you didn’t think that what men needed out of a relationship was more important then what a woman might need? You often state on your blog that you can’t change men and that women are just going to have to accept certain behavior if they want a relationship. But in turn, you expect women to change to be pleasing, more agreeable and pleasant. Is it bad to suggest that someone be more agreeable? No. But when you say that you yourself are sometimes ruled by negative emotions and they make you a “piece” of work but advise women to do as you say and not as you do, it’s a little confusing.

I guess if you want to be loved by a man you need to make yourself accommodating to dealing with his issues while he’s allowed to be “moody” and “neurotic” himself? That’s the message here. You’re allowed to be a piece of work, in essence, and in your own words are opinionated, condescending, difficult, moody, neurotic, anxious and insecure but if any woman described herself this way, you would tell her to change or the man to head for the hills.

If you are grateful that your wife focuses on your strengths and not your weaknesses, why can you not advise men to do the same? I don’t think any one here thinks you are telling women to accept disloyal men but you have to admit that you DO tell women to accept men for who they are. And yet, you are telling women in this post to change who they are. Why do you need your wife to be generous first to inspire you to be generous in turn? I guess in the face of what men want, it doesn’t always matter how you feel as a woman, the hurtful things a man can say or do, as long as your agreeable to his needs and push your own feelings down more times then not.

Getting marrried/being married, doesn’t prove a better sense of relationship intelligence.

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 23:49:01 +0000

“I’m opinionated, condescending, difficult, moody, neurotic, anxious and insecure.”

You make yourself sound like quite a catch there, Evan. ;-P j/k

By: Melissa

Melissa — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:04:27 +0000

Wow! This was excellent. I found myself nodding along with it.

I think its even HARDER to catch yourself with these things when you grew up with an emotionally charged family who dealt with everything by getting out there boxing gloves and screaming and duking it out. But I’m living proof that it can be done; it just takes alot of work. You gotta learn to “pick your battles”

But thank you for reminding me how IMPORTANT it is to learn these tactics. It all comes down to self-control. Men can’t help that they sometimes have a sensitivity chip missing… LOL But I think it helps me… to sometimes look at them like a cute little lost puppy who didn’t mean to poop on the carpet. ha, ha.

I thought this was very pragmatic and made a lot of sense. Thanks for enlisting her help Evan. Good stuff!

By: Alison

Alison — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:26:58 +0000

I agree with Kate.

I’m also left wondering where I’m going ‘wrong’, as I’m pretty sure that I don’t cry wolf, act ‘crazy’ with men, etc.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:28:51 +0000

Why does a partner need to “handle” me, Kate? Well, because I’m a piece of work. I’m opinionated, condescending, difficult, moody, neurotic, anxious and insecure. This doesn’t deny some of my other charms; it just acknowledges that I, and you, and everyone else brings baggage to the table.

I am extremely grateful that she has the wisdom to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. Most of my other girlfriends did not.

So instead of painting this as “Evan’s giving advice to tell women to be passive and accept disloyal men”, try looking at it through a different prism. Nowhere did I say to put up with cheating men. All I said was to choose your battles. As they say, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather get along?”

My girlfriend believes in getting along. And while you can claim that this merely “prolongs” male interest, as if it’s some sort of game, you’re missing the fundamental point – it makes me appreciate her and love her even more. When something’s important to her, I know it, and I make every effort to honor her desires. This is BECAUSE of her even temperament, not in spite of it. Her generosity inspires me to be the same way.

Women come here to listen to a smart, straight, successful man explain what men are thinking. Feel free to ignore me or disagree with me all you want. It’s a free country.

All I know is that my girlfriend and I are getting married on Saturday. So clearly, this “game” she’s playing worked on at least one of us. And I sense that if you become more patient, accepting, and easygoing, it will work for you, too. This does not mean to deal with a liar, cheater or a deadbeat. It just means finding ways to say “yes” instead of always laying down your rules and then being shocked when men don’t want to play by them.

Thanks for your contribution. We may disagree, but the conversation is valuable.

Now I’m off to practice my vows.

Good night.

Evan

By: Kate

Kate — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:02:14 +0000

Someone needs to acknowledge the truth of Jane Hurley’s insight, posts #6 and #7. Dating advice does not have to teach women to manage men’s superior natures. Notice Evan’s introduction to his girlfriend: “what makes her so unusual is that she handles me perfectly.” Why does a partner need to handle you, Evan? Are men the dominant partners, and women must learn to accommodate men’s personalities to win their devotion? Your girlfriend admits she has “learned” how to manage men. She admits to innate behavior that plagues most of your readers: she was “a slave to my emotions” and used to “unleash the crazy” on men. But those men who defined women as “crazy” instead of understandably upset became her gold standard. This is the male perspective of female reaction, as she learned from others. She has studied the male reaction and changed her responses to prolong male interest.
Your responses to us are increasingly weary, impatient, and mildly contemptuous of women who react with understandable hurt and shock to men who were once loyal to them.
Are you sincerely trying to teach us how to escape from some men’s nasty behavior, as in “he does it because you allow him to do it” ? Or are you trying to teach women how to “win” boyfriends by changing their innate reactions, as your girlfriend exemplifies?
Are there other readers who want a more balanced approach to relationships than this “how to please a man” approach?