Comments on: Am I Foolish For Waiting For A Non-Committal Man To Commit?

By: mark

mark — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 21:00:02 +0000

Drama queen. A guy who was interested and wanted a commitment would bore her. She needs this drama, otherwise she’d be unhappy.

By: Gigi

Gigi — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 14:07:54 +0000

JILL,
I read MOST of the posts and they all say the same thing. However, while there are no RULES of dating, there certainly are expectations even at ANY age! If you have personally set a time frame (say, 6 months) then go with it. I have dated the same man on/off for 6 years. WHY? Because he never promised anything and I kept seeing him following an abusive marriage I had, so I do blame myself for misreading the messages. I thought he wanted exclusive and future, and he didn’t. He just enjoyed being with me “and” others, like a very strange attachment to an ex wife! Of course, I put up the “not going there wall” and he came back. I can honestly say that he doesn’t have sex with any others due to what I know about him personally. But his obsessive co-dependence with his ex is a deal breaker. SAD because I do like him personally.
I gave him what he wanted and nothing in return was my gift. SO, on that note, my wake up calls (many)taught me a lot and I did move on and dated others. Believe me, if I met “the one” who has the whole package, I wouldn’t have even bothered with Mr. On/Off. We were very compatible physically and intellectually as buddies, you’ll say. Because in the process, I had my physical needs met while growing up, now knowing myself WHAT I WANT (or not) and how this man fit into MY life, not vice versa. My counselor says “stepping stone” and that is a good way to put it. Now, I am much more independent. As I write this, he hasn’t called in four days and I’m not freaking out because I have a REAL date with someone I met at a volunteer function who seems to enjoy my company and actually invited me (not ASSUMED I’d be around this weekend!) Since Mr. On/Off has never committed, it’s not cheating in the dating sense to keep my options open. I’m kind of excited about this new person, in fact!

By: CAM

CAM — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 18:06:28 +0000

I am angry, hurt, overwhelmed, empty, sad, lonely, in shock, in disbelief, and in denial. I broke it off w/ my bf 10 days ago and I can’t say that the days are getting any easier. I can’t believe this has happened to us! To toot my own horn, I think I’m a real catch; I have a lot of things going for me & I wonder what the hell is wrong with him.
Yes, I heard the, “You’re a wonderful woman, you deserve a man who can tell you he loves you, I never meant to hurt you…” blah, blah, blah. This ordeal HAS been a slow emotional death as one poster said. Days started to go w/o conversation when at one time we texted throughout the day & spoke at bedtime (ours was a LDR…I see that’s common, too).
He was so supportive of my academic endeavors, my children, my life. He has never been married nor had children (hello red flag!?) but said he wanted to settle down. He was my high school sweetheart 28 yrs ago & broke my heart then.
Abt 10 mos into the relationship we discussed him moving to my city. When it came time for the decision to be made, he turned into a man I didn’t know.

I’m bewildered & heartbroken. He dedicated so much of himself to me but couldn’t give me what I wanted the most: to hear I Love You and Want You With Me Forever More.
I appreciate everyone’s posts–I don’t feel like the biggest FOOL in the world now. In my heart of hearts, I wish he would magically realize what he lost & come running to ask me back. HA!!!

Why do we women do this to ourselves? It’s not the men’s fault, it’s ours.

By: Eyes Wide Open

Eyes Wide Open — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 19:11:47 +0000

I know this post is old but it is still so very relevant. I was fortunate enough to find EMK and read Why He Disappeared and his blog daily to be able to put closure to my nice non commital guy. Suffice it to say I ended it with dignity. Although I miss him I am happy to know I recognized that he just wasn’t that into me. I am still on Match.com and see that he is as well (yes I have looked). I avoided his once a week empty messages to keep things alive even after it ended Memorial Day and a mutual function we ended at together that he was so charming at and begged me to spend time at his suite ( I declined). It has been a full two weeks and I finally think he got the hint by my non response. I don’t hate him but hated the games that I truly believe he hasn’t done anything wrong. But I remain energized today reading this thread. Thanks so much

By: Anita

Anita — Mon, 23 May 2011 02:31:02 +0000

Evan, I am so thankful for this post. Glad I came across it as I am going through a process of grieving and being hurt. Ultimately, the guy I was doing LDR is a commitment phobe. He wants to get married within a year of getting to know the girl but yet in our time together, he never did anything of substance to progress forward. He has an issue with commitment. He said he doesn’t want to lose my friendship because it means a lot to him. Well, if he had done the right thing by me and things did not work out, we could have parted amicably.

He said our line of communication has turned into a “buddy-buddy/penpal” relationship and not into a proper man-to-woman relationship, I shot back telling him that the biggest mistake he ever did is not committing in meeting up with me. What was I to do? I even gave him several options to meet up with me on neutral grounds but he didn’t want that over the course of the year. All I can say is that he is selfish, insecure man who is unsure of what makes a solid long-term relationship works. Communication aside, what you shared about friendship is so true. I didn’t see the buddy-buddy relationship as being a bad thing but just as a solid foundation on which a good LTR can be built upon if that is where we both want to take it when we meet.

Sorry of the spill. I just want to thank you for your work; educating women about what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Also that it is NOT always our fault. He is a commitment phobe. I am looking forward to a more beautiful future with a man who will cherish and adore me. Thank you, Evan.

By: milkshake

milkshake — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 21:11:51 +0000

The whole story is really familiar except that my relationship is over a year. We get on brilliantly, have mutual friends and enjoy each others company. I got taken to weddings and met some extended family and thought we were both interested in a serious relationship. Eventually after a row about him refusing to meet my parents which took me completely by surprise it became clear that he was a non-committer! I had read all those signals wrong, I think ultimately it was about him liking to have someone about to take to events so he didnt have to go alone, to have someone to call on whenever it suited him and fitted into his schedule, he was rarely interested in meeting up with my friends. I said I loved him, he said he “cared” about me and didnt want to break up but that I was trying to move things too fast. After a year that is really just an excuse. I gave him 4 more months and nothing changed. I do all the running, he never makes plans. I have finally seen sense and am getting out of this mess. I figure he’ll be upset when I dump him but he’ll not try to get me back in any serious way and that will confirm what I already know – he’s just not that into me.

By: Lenan

Lenan — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 06:59:15 +0000

My ex husband is a very “nice” non committal man and we dated for 3+ years. I told him I loved him first. I was always available when he came in from out of town so as to prove I was faithful to our relationship. I was the one who finally said, “So are we going to get married or what?” To which he said, “Well, I guess we could do that.” Six months later we were married. Fast forward several years, he discloses that he didn’t love me when we got married, but had grown to love me. So what did his love look like? I did everything. He was unavailable emotionally. He didn’t want to spend his leisure time with me. He never took my side in any problem. He was not interested in parenting our children. He was always looking for help in his endeavors because he knew I would always be available to make him look good. No phone calls to check in when he went out of town on trips, often for a week at a time. Worked long hours and often 7 days a week, no time for me or the kids. But, he was such a nice guy, pleasant personality, just unavailable emotionally and non committal. So three children and 30 years later I left him. A year of counseling, self and couple, my lesson is love cannot change a person who isn’t motivated to change. What a man is a man is. I’m moving on and will be loving myself first and hope to find a man who will want to share in that love and commit to the relationship. Thanks for all the comments in this thread. It has reinforced all I have experienced and now believe. Thank you for sharing!

By: Karl R

Karl R — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 22:59:41 +0000

runa said: (#36) "It is really unhealthy and makes me miserable all the time but i can t let it go." As Bill said, (#38) you choose not to let go of your toxic pseudo-relationship. Being single is a lot better than what you're voluntarily putting yourself through. runa said: (#36) "The thought of living the rest of my life without him is destroying me." Reality check That's like an amputee saying the thought of living the rest of his life without his arm/leg is destroying him. In either case, you don't get a choice. You don't have your ex any longer. Getting him back is not an option. Your attempts to keep him around are like that theoretical amputee carrying around his gangrenous limb with him. (Yeah, it's that unattractive to everyone else.) You have two choices: 1. Live without your ex. 2. Die. I recommend option 1, but ultimately it's your choice. runa said: (#36) "i wish i could as strong as the women that walked out on guys like this." It doesn't take strength. You just avoid him. You stop calling, texting, emailing and visiting him. All you need to get over him is time and space, but you rob yourself of that each time you impulsively text him. (He's not even initiating the contact.) Make that impulse harder to follow. Delete him from you phone and your address book. Delete his old emails and texts and all the ones you sent to him (without reading any of them first). Whenever you get the impulse to contact your ex, distract yourself by engaging in some healthy activity instead (exercise, take a shower, read a book, wash the dishes). That way you can let the impulse pass without acting on it. If your ex initiates contact, keep your reply polite and brief. Don't say anything that would invite him to respond further (i.e. don't ask him any questions). Furthermore, you need to go out and do other things. Have a life that doesn't involve your ex.

By: Denise

Denise — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 15:59:38 +0000

one more thing I wanted to add, these women are obviously interested in doing better, in learning more, are CURIOUS. They deserve kudos for that! They may not have heard what they wanted to hear, they heard the truth, but hopefully they will be open minded to continue their journey, it will be a much happier one if they do!

By: Katarina Phang

Katarina Phang — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 14:44:20 +0000

I agree with Michelle #11. That’s what I’m practically doing right now and it’s been great and fun. That makes me content and more laid back (women tend to be clingy once they’re invested into a guy) and as a result my love interests find me more attractive and lovable.

This actually makes me think that polygamy suits women better than guys.

redheadfromtdot #18:
“Some people are lucky to mutually fall in love immediately and just know. It would be so much easier.”

My new guy pretty much fell in love after the first night we spent together. And because he was so into me, it was easy for me to be into him. Within 2 weeks, he told me he loved me.

However, in real life, sometimes things are not that simple, especially for people with so much baggage already. He’s divorced (recently) so he’s wounded and as much I feel the depth of his feelings for me, I feel this will take a while for a full-blown relationship to blossom (not to mention that I’m not really over my recent past relationship myself.)

Love is about timing. The rare incredible chemistry between two people sometimes doesn’t make a relationship when the timing isn’t right.