Am I Settling if I Marry My Best Friend I’m Not Attracted To?
Hi Evan, I am a 37-year-old, physically attractive, kind and compassionate woman. Over the years, I have dated many men. Unfortunately, things never work out. None of my relationships last any longer than 18-24 months. I feel like I have a curse on me! Recently, I split up with my partner of almost 2 years (right on schedule). I’ve had it.
Here’s where the real trouble starts…I decided to give things a try with my best friend of 11 years. He is a great guy and has been a wonderful, supportive friend over the years. He is, and possibly always has been, in love with me. I do love him, but only as a friend. Evan, I am tired. I am tired of all these failed relationships; tired of moving in and out with people; and tired of the lack of stability in my, and my 15-year-old son’s life. I moved in with my best friend and told him we should be a couple. He jumped all over it. We are even building a new house together, which he is financing.
The problem is that I have zero attraction for him. The thought of him touching me is repulsive to me. I’ve told him that I am not a sexual person and that I don’t want to have sex with him, or any other guy for that matter. This is a lie. I am sexual and I do want to have a great sex life – just not with him. My son is everything to me. I want him to have some stability in his life. This man can provide this for us. Before, we were moving almost yearly, with no medical benefits, etc. Now we can have a beautiful home, and all the other wonderful benefits that come along with this great friend who is financially stable. Am I a horrible person? This guy really loves us…I don’t know what to do. –Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
To arrive at your answer, all we have to do is flip this over. Let’s say…
You have a longstanding crush on your best guy friend.
There’s no way a guy is going 40 years without sex.
You’ve watched him go out with all the wrong women over the years and turn to you with his problems. You know you’d treat him better than any of these other women if he’d only give you a chance.
After his latest devastating (but predictable) breakup, he tells you that maybe he’d like to give a relationship with you a chance. He knows you’ve always loved him and he agrees that it would make sense to be with a woman who has stuck by him through thick and thin. At the very least, you’re stable and will treat him well.
Oh, but there’s one hitch: he has zero attraction for you.
The thought of him touching you repulses him.
He’s told you he’s not a sexual person, but that’s a lie. He’s highly sexual and wants to have a great sex life – just not with you.
But after all he’s gone through, it only seems sensible to marry you. After all, his son really needs a mother figure and since you make more than he does, he’ll be able to upgrade his home, his lifestyle and his future all by tying the knot with you.
So, Elizabeth, is he a horrible person?
I won’t answer that for you, because I don’t think doing a bad thing makes someone a bad person, but I will say that if a man were to marry you under those circumstances, we might very well conclude that:
a) He’s selfish – He’s failed at relationships and sees you as his safety school. And even though he finds sex with you to be disgusting, you should just be happy to be with him as a platonic life partner. Right?
b) He’s a liar – To begin a relationship under false pretenses, such as “I don’t like sex” is really a poor foundation for a future, wouldn’t you agree? I would expect that the person who really likes sex will seek it out in some form or another. Which leads us to the biggest problem with this scenario…
c) He’s setting himself up for failure – If a sexual person denies himself sex within a marriage, it’s going to come out in either an affair or an online porn addiction. There’s no way a guy is going 40 years without sex.
And neither should you.
So unless you want to be the woman who is later considered a selfish liar and cheater, you should politely recuse yourself from this relationship.
Maybe you can possibly preserve your friendship because he’s so whipped on you that he can’t think straight.
But if I were advising him, I’d tell him to stay far away. You may not be a bad person, but, make no mistake, you’re about to do a very bad thing.
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90 Comments »Filed Under Dating
SK 1
Wait…you’re trying to solve the lack of stability in your son’s life by shacking up with YET ANOTHER GUY? Considering you’re a parent, you should have waited longer to move in and out of multiple boyfriends’ houses, don’t you think? Maybe find some stability without a man, and teach your son that he comes first in your life. And now you want to hurt your best friend, too? Listen, you have three more years until your son is 18. Focus on him instead of chasing one guy after another, trying to provide “stability.” I know it’s hard being single, and especially being a single parent, but you have a responsibility to your son. You can date all you want after your son is grown.
If you can’t provide your son a stable home without the financial backing of a boyfriend, you need a financial planner.
Steve 2
The problem is that I have zero attraction for him. The thought of him touching me is repulsive to me. I’ve told him that I am not a sexual person and that I don’t want to have sex with him, or any other guy for that matter. This is a lie. I am sexual and I do want to have a great sex life – just not with him. My son is everything to me. I want him to have some stability in his life. This man can provide this for us. Before, we were moving almost yearly, with no medical benefits, etc. Now we can have a beautiful home, and all the other wonderful benefits that come along with this great friend who is financially stable. Am I a horrible person? This guy really loves us…I don’t know what to do. –Elizabeth
Yes.
You are using someone who loves you. No disrespect. Just do the right thing and break up with him. You are making a fool out of him.
morgan 3
Right on Evan.
I have a man in my life who loves me and I know would jump at the chance to be in a relationship with me (even though he’s been with someone for a long time). We are exes from 15 years ago. I would have a great life with him because we have shared friends, we understand eachother, he’d have a child with me, he’s financially secure etc. etc. BUT I am not sexually attracted to him at all, in fact like Elizabeth I find the idea of sex with him a total turn off (and I’ve been there before so know it for a fact). And this is the reason why I won’t be with him. It wouldn’t be fair on him.
Yes Elizabeth, you’re being selfish, mercenary some might say. But you have to live with yourself.
Cheryl 4
I’m going to come off as sounding cold here but the cold hard fact of the matter is that YOU, Elizabeth, need to grow up and start providing the stability that you and your 15 year old son need. YOU are responsible for that and not anyone else. If it was just you I wouldn’t even comment but what kind of an example are you setting for your son?
Time to grow up, girl.
Karl R 5
Elizabeth said: (original post)
“My son is everything to me. I want him to have some stability in his life.”
“I am tired of all these failed relationships; tired of moving in and out with people; and tired of the lack of stability”
If this had been your entire message, I would have some very simple advice for you:
1. Get an affordable two-bedroom apartment for you and your son. (It probably won’t be fancy, but it will be yours.)
2. Get medical insurance. (It might not be great insurance, but it will be yours.)
3. Take a three or four year break from dating.
That course of action would allow you to accomplish all of your stated goals. You would have medical insurance. You wouldn’t be moving in and out. You would have time to focus on the one relation that you can not afford to fail at (your relationship with your son).
You chose a different course of action.
Elizabeth said: (original post)
“I moved in with my best friend and told him we should be a couple.”
Instead, you entered another romantic relationship (under circumstances which ensure that it will fail) and simultaneously moved in with the man.
And you explained why you chose a course of action which was doomed to repeat the same pattern that you’d like to avoid.
Elizabeth said: (original post)
“This man can provide [stability] for us.”
“Now we can have a beautiful home, and all the other wonderful benefits”
If you want stability, learn to provide it for yourself.
And is a beautiful home (and all the other benefits) more important than stability in your son’s life?
Elizabeth said: (original post)
“Am I a horrible person?”
I would say you’re unwise.
You have repeatedly jumped from one relationship to another, and in an effort to break the cycle, you’re jumping into another relationship.
Think it through.
RW 6
Elizabeth, don’t do it! Or rather, undo it while you still can. I’m really sorry you’ve had such disappointing relationships. It’s terribly demoralizing and this new solution must seem like a godsend but you’ll end up hurting him and debasing yourself. The fact that you’re questioning your actions says to me that you already know you may be in the wrong. You are better than this.
Unless you’ve made it very clear that you see him only as a friend, are not attracted to him and will likely never be, you are being very unfair to him. You are essentially using him for his resources while giving him the hope that one day you will be as deeply in love with him as he is with you. If you care about him, (as he’s your best friend you probably do), don’t put him through this. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who finds you repulsive, especially when he doesn’t know this very important fact.
At the very least, you owe him the truth. Good luck!
nathan 7
You know, I get the exhaustion. The sense that it “always falls apart.” And also the sense that you’ll “never find anyone better.” I have been there. Many have been there.
But that’s exactly the time to take a look at yourself, and your patterns.
I doubt you’ll find much support for your current decision. Frankly, your friend deserves better than to be lied to and settled for in the way you’ve described it. You’re just using him for the stability you can’t seem to find on your own, or with another.
You’re really risking this friendship here. It might already be too late to break up with him without some damage, but the longer you wait, the worse it will get.
Lisa 8
Elizabeth, what makes you think this relationship will work out any better than the rest of them have? Why don’t you use this time and do some self-reflecting. Maybe then you will find a real relationship where there is mutual love and respect.
SS 9
Agree with everyone else so far… move on because you’re not being fair to this guy.
As for the rest of the story, is it possible that the reason you’ve had so many relationships end is because you move too fast? Are you moving in with all of these guys or most of them? That’s a big step, and for it to have happened more than once with a man who hasn’t been a boyfriend that long indicates that you are jumping too quickly into such situations.
And how is your son being affected by this? I assume that he is also moving in and out of random men’s homes. That can’t be good for him either.
Bettina 10
There are lots of gay men who get married to women and don’t feel attracted to their wives. And back in the day, when women were bartered in marriage, I suspect it was a very common scenario for the woman to be repulsed by her husband.
But these setups can be stable if both parties understand the relationship as a material union or if there is some external pressure (society, church, threat of stoning) to stay together despite physical dissatisfaction.
Your situation doesn’t sound like any of these.
I disagree with Evan on one point. There are men who can and do go without. It’s not typical, granted. It isn’t clear what your friend’s motivation is in agreeing to this arrangement. At some point over the years he must have gleaned that you aren’t that into him. Maybe he really wants to help. Dunno.
In general, though, I’m for women getting out there and carrying their own weight. Which usually means giving up the big house on the hill if you can’t afford it. What you gain for relinquishing that dream is integrity, which feels so much better.
I’m also for both parents supporting their children, at the least financially, if that’s all they can muster. Sounds like your son’s dad is long out of the picture, as in, no child support. Perhaps you should track him down.
Gem 11
Elizabeth,
IF this guy is truly your “best friend,” and has been “wonderful and supportive” over the years, then I ask you: How can you do this to him?
Don’t let your fear and insecurity about your future turn you into a woman who would use her best friend for what he can provide and arrogantly think that he’ll be tickled pink just to have your presence in his life without getting anything in return. How little you must respect him?!
You’re about to make a huge mistake and put your son through more heartache, and…..lose a friend and your self respect in the process.
Sharon 12
Elizabeth, I think its really admirable that you want to commit someone for the benefit of your son.
Lisa wrote on the List Post
“My parents have been married for 42 years My mom said my dad had integrity and she knew he would be a loyal husband and father. And he is- we couldn’t ask for better. Is it any surprise that the marriage rate is steadily declining? ”
Elizabeth is doing just this. Finding a good husband and father, It’s just in previous generations it was more acceptable for women not to be attracted to their husbands. My grandmother was relieved she was after my grandfather got a pacemaker because she was finally relieved of her “wifely duties”. She would never describe the marriage as unhappy she would never divorce him. But sex was about baby making not passion.
Most women I know or either attracted or not attracted. If dating the many attractive but unavailable men is foolish and dating available but unattractive men is selfish what is the other option?
Much of Jack’s ire is against women for not appreciating less attractive men. But how does one go about that. Karl has suggested that people try to adjust their level of attraction through mindfulness. Evan I would love to hear some advice on this.
(Maybe instead of trying to convert the gay Evangelicals can repurpose and rebrand themselves saving marriage by making women into short bald overweight men attractive to women through shock therapy.)
Daphne 13
My ex told me- after a good long period of marriage and me wondering why he was not very interested in sex- that he thought of me as his best friend, but I really wasn’t sexy. So he had had sex w other women.
Do you think I enjoyed hearing this ? To put it more politely than he deserves, no.
My voice is added to the chorus: don’t marry this man ! Please.
Laura 14
Wow, Elizabeth, look over your entire dating and relationship history and search for the common denominator. It’s YOU!
Why would you lie to and manipulate your best friend? What will you have left when you destroy that relationship?
Helen 15
Why does sex have to be the be-all and end-all of a relationship?
I would assert that Elizabeth is not necessarily doing something terrible. From what I could tell of her letter, she has not promised her male friend ANYTHING. People can be housemates without having sex. She just needs to make sure she is doing her fair share. It is her business, and his. If he is happy to have her and her son living with him, with the benefits they provide (companionship, maybe meals, shared chores, etc.), then that’s their business, and none of ours.
There are so many different arrangements of relationships that work out there. Not every one has to revolve around sex. Not even marriages, for crying out loud – let’s be realistic here. As long as both parties are happy, it is fine if people base relationships on practical matters.
Bettina 16
@14: Other common denominators might also be dating, dating men, dating men in a certain age range, dating American men, etc.
One question: Isn’t the poster doing what is recommended in the “Settling” book? If not, would like some clarification on the distinction. Not seeing one.
Goldie 17
Good god, what kind of an example would this set for Elizabeth’s son? what would it teach him about people and relationships? not to mention, friendships? He is at an age where he re-evaluates everyone and everything, and seeing this marriage(?) unfold, presumably for his financial benefit, will leave him jaded for life. For that reason alone, I’d pass.
If the friend is able and willing to help financially, great! Maybe a no-interest, long-term loan would be easier on you both than a sham marriage.
Lisa 18
Sharon, my parents were and are very attracted to each other. My mom has way too much integrity and class to use anybody, least of all her husband.
Evan Marc Katz 19
Hey, Bettina, maybe you should read the “settling” book for yourself so you can learn the difference. I can tell you that the distinction is obvious to everyone else who’s read past the cover.
RW 20
@Helen
I agree 100% with all your points. But the argument only works when both parties are aware of the situation and choose to be in it. That is not what I got from Elizabeth’s letter. Being housemates is one thing but saying “we should be a couple” is another. It involves much more than being platonic housemates. She has also been less than honest about her desire, or lack thereof, to have sex with him. As long as he understands and accepts that they are not sleeping together because she is repulsed by him and not because sex just does not interest her, there is no problem. Otherwise, as Steve pointed out, she is making a fool out of him.
Liz 21
Agreed, Evan. Bettina, read the book! It’s really interesting. And it’s not even close to advocating what this woman describes.
Dory 22
Why don’t you tell him the truth and see if he still wants to marry you. Tell him that you are not sexually attracted to him but you would love to have his companionship and security and see if he is still interested. However, don’t add that you don’t like sex becuase that would be the lie. As long as you are honest- let him make the decision.
Bettina 23
@19 and 21: I’ve read parts of it and a lot about it. But it doesn’t interest me as a concept and I have a boyfriend of many years–my time with him has been the opposite of settling and so I don’t need to go that route. Maybe if things with him go south and I really feel the need for a new approach. Thanks for the suggestion, though!
Bettina 24
OK, to be clear: The answer to the question the title poses, “Am I Settling…,” is no. She is not settling, as is recommended. She is doing something else that is not recommended.
BeenThruTheWars 25
Just to play devil’s advocate – what if you married a man you WERE attracted to, but who didn’t have nearly as many fine qualities as this one apparently does, and then for whatever medical reason you discovered after marriage that sex wasn’t going to be in the cards for you?
A friend of mine’s husband got prostate cancer in his early forties. Because of the surgery, he was no longer able to have intercourse. My friend would have been okay with that (they’d been married ten years) if he’d been willing to enjoy and explore other kinds of marital pleasures, but he refused. He cut off everything, including affection, because of his own psychological issues post-surgery. This could happen to any couple.
Elizabeth doesn’t say why she isn’t attracted to her friend; is he physically repulsive to her? Is it something fixable (like him losing weight, for instance)? Is it just because she’s never thought of him “that way”? Are expressions of affection repulsive to her, as well? Holding hands, scratching his back, having him give you a neckrub when you’re tense – if those things will also be repugnant, then by all means, bail on this relationship. But if you can see “going there” in at least the affection department, there is a chance that the rest will come in time.
I personally believe that there’s nothing wrong with companionate marriages. My parents have been in one for the better part of sixty years. They’re incredibly devoted to each other, but they sleep in separate bedrooms and I bet they haven’t had sex in thirty years. The arrangement suits the two of them. If Elizabeth and her friend get along great, love doing the same things together, can be kind and loving toward each other, then they’ll have a lot more going for them than my friend and her husband did. They wound up getting divorced after their sexual relationship ended, because his complete withdrawal from any kind of physical affection (he wouldn’t even hold hands with her at the movies anymore!) wounded her, and they found they didn’t really like each other as platonic friends. It sounds like Elizabeth does like this man, and love him as a friend, so they might have a chance together.
The other possibility is to have a frank talk with him and discuss the possibility of an open marriage. I have several friends in marriages like that, and all seem very content with their choice. It wouldn’t be my personal preference, but it works for them.
Nadia 26
PHEW!!
Evan I gotta tell you, I got *really* nervous reading that blog post… I’d picked it up through your facebook page where you’d posted people were butchering your stuff, and so I was really worried you were going to advise that she marry him… whilst I was reading it every part of me was screaming ‘No!’ even though I normally love your blog posts (as remember I was expecting, at this point, for you to tell her to stay with him – because of the facebook post) – I’m SO relieved to have read what you wrote – sums up perfectly what every cell was screaming (although it wasn’t screaming it as eloquently as you put it ; )
Sex is the thing that separates our friendships from romantic relationships and is a time that is just about the couple, in that moment, connecting… it’s vital to healthy & happy marriages, IMHO, and it’s so often at the crux of the cause and effect accumulation which results in the breakdown of relationships… Thank you for continuing to write blogs that I sit there reading and saying ‘yes’ to!
Helen 27
Nadia #26, in general you have the right idea, but – you write “Sex is the thing that separates our friendships from romantic relationships…”
Marriage, over time, becomes much more about friendship than romance. That’s just the truth; sorry if it isn’t romantic or appealing. But when you grow older, you may be surprised how appealing and even essential friendship becomes, especially if your spouse is your closest and dearest friend.
BeenThruTheWars #25 is right about companionate marriages (which my parents have as well). I would actually say to Elizabeth: if this guy is your best friend, maybe he is meant to be your lifelong partner. For centuries (and even in many societies today), marriage has NOT been about romance. A steamy romance has never been the best predictor of a successful marriage. Don’t we wish it were the case, because all humans are romantics as far as I can tell. But romance is never what sustains in the long run.
RW #20, thanks for backing up my earlier stance. I agree that Elizabeth needs to be straightforward – in a kind way – with her friend. It won’t be easy, but it can be done.
maria 28
Elizabeth terrifies me!!! I think her REAL problem is that she is looking for a “Sugar-Daddy!” I agree that she is a terrible example for her son!! She needs to stop trying to find a man to make her life perfect. SHE NEEDS TO DO IT HERSELF!
I can see her son spending the rest of his life believing that women are using him for his money/house/health insurance with a Mom like this!
I think Elizabeth has a serious case of Cinderella disease and needs to wake up from the Fairy Tale and tell her “best friend” the TRUTH. She is using him and the relationship is DOOMED because of it.
After that, she needs to do what another poster suggested, get a 2 bedroom apartment and cheap health insurance, and FORGET ABOUT PRINCE CHARMING FOR A FEW YEARS. CONCENTRATE ON YOUR SON!
I am sorry, but this is a TERRIBLE thing you are doing to your “best friend!” Please learn how to be alone and get strong!
Marie 29
It’s unfair to him and you’ll end up being unhappy anyway and in another couple years without any sex, you’ll either start cheating on him or have to leave yet another relationship.
Zann 30
Correction, Elizabeth. You may feel that your son is everything to you, but your behavior demonstrates that YOU are everything to you. And somewhere along the line you got the idea that it’s up to someone else to take care of you. That’s your job. More importantly, it’s your job to take care of your son. He didn’t have a choice about getting on this particular ride with you.
All your son needs is a stable & nurturing you — and I trust that part of you is in there somewhere. You’re doing your son no favors by entering into this faux-idyllic family situation based on dishonesty. It cannot and will not last, and your son will be faced with tyet another upheaval, another move. I get it that you want to be comfortable in a stable relationship. But clearly, what you’re doing is not settling, it’s USING your best friend to make yourself comfortable and safe. He’s your default, your backup plan. I can’t think of anything more humiliating and disrespectful than to move in with a man under the falsehood that you’re a couple, when actually he repulses you sexually.
I know plenty of women who struggle very hard for long periods of time as single/sole parents with little or no outside support because they either don’t want to be with an abusive man or they don’t want to drag their kids along with them on the emotional roller coaster of serial relationships. Find a support group for other single parents trying to date. Or focus on yourself outside of a relationship to become a stronger, more independent parent for your son. And if you really value your guy friend, come clean with him and hope that he can forgive you. Either way, he’s not responsible for your discontent.
Christie Hartman 31
The arguments for marrying this guy, based on the idea of companionate marriage, don’t fly with me. Just because marriage is more about partnership than it is about romance doesn’t mean sex should be unimportant or neglected. If Elizabeth and her friend mutually agreed that their arrangement would be friendship-based, then fine. But I’ll bet a fistful of dollars this dude expects more than that. He’s in love with her!
It’s these sorts of arguments that make women like Elizabeth write in with a question like this. Some of you are pretty hard on her, but she’s wrestling with what’s best for her and her kid and is questioning whether sex is all that important anyway. Why is she questioning it? Because there are always people that will say “Marriage is only about friendship anyway!”
Yes, marrying him is a TERRIBLE idea. A relationship cannot function without at least some chemistry.
And it takes two to tango: doesn’t anyone find it questionable that this guy would settle for HER, when she’s clearly not attracted to him?
Ruby 32
I agree that it’s strange that Elizabeth’s friend is willing to settle for a wife who is disinterested in sex. If he is her best friend, surely he must know that she has been having and enjoying sex with her previous boyfriends. My guess is that her friend is just very happy and relieved to have finally “gotten the gal” after many years. I’d also bet that he is hoping he will be able to convert her into wanting him sexually, again over time.
But it’s all predicated on lies and desperation. She is a sexual person, she’s just using him as a security blanket, rather than doing the necessary work to find security within herself and to be able to stand on her own two feet. It’s time for her to concentrate on bettering herself through education or job training, rather than wasting time continually looking for a man to bail her out. Doing that places undue pressure on the man and the relationship. It’s also not a great example to set for her son.
What is next? Adultery when she finds herself attracted to someone else? Divorce when her husband realizes that she’ll never be sexually interested in him? Then she’s right back where she started from.
jack 33
She’s not settling. She’s exploiting.
While it is true that this woman’s child deserves a better and more stable life than the mother had provided for him, it is not the responsibility of another man to live in a sexless marriage with a woman who has lied to him.
Being married to a woman whom you love, but only grudgingly has sex with you is a fate worse than death, in my opinion. And sooner or later he will figure out that the only reason she picked him is for the ‘boring’ attributes. She can only lie for so long. Besides, if she is as sexual as she says, she will probably cheat on him.
What we have here is a woman who probably has no business pursuing ANY relationship right now. Look at how self-centered she is: She is considering exploiting a man that she has lied to, and she is wondering if SHE is SETTLING????
Any person that selfish is not in a position of maturity such that they are worthy of the love and affection of a spouse.
This woman needs professional counseling.
Karl R 34
Zann said: (#25)
“there’s nothing wrong with companionate marriages. My parents have been in one for the better part of sixty years. [...] they sleep in separate bedrooms and I bet they haven’t had sex in thirty years.”
If I knew you in person, I would be all over that bet.
People sleep in different rooms because one keeps the other awake (snores, tosses and turns, etc).
I know a married couple that lives in adjacent apartments. One is an OCD neat-freak; the other is a clutterbug. They have an active sex life.
Go ahead. Ask your parents if they’ve had sex in the last 20 years. Let us know what they tell you.
Helen said: (#27)
“romance is never what sustains in the long run.”
I wouldn’t underestimate the role sex plays. The best analogy I’ve heard (advice one man on this blog got from his grandfather):
“Sex in a marriage is like lubrication in an engine. When it’s good, all the little flaws glide by without a problem. Without it, the smallest flaw can bring the whole thing to a screeching halt.”
Christine Hartman asked: (#31)
“doesn’t anyone find it questionable that this guy would settle for HER, when she’s clearly not attracted to him?”
He’s not here to question.
I don’t think we can assume that it is clear to him. (It probably should be, but he may be too socially inept to recognize the obvious. I have also known women whose body language could be easily misinterpreted.)
Paul 35
Liz is emotionally immature and oh so selfish. I can picture her pledging her love to all these men in her past and then got bored at the two year mark. Some probably wonderful and supportive and sexually compatible.
She needs to take a hiatus from men until she gathers a sense of herself but from my own personal experience, it is rare that she will find the courage to do that. I know it is a “cookie cutter” statement but I don’t see her maturing until she is into her forties. There is something about SOME women from 34-39 that makes no sense to me. Women over 40 seem to have their stuff together.
happygirl 36
To put it bluntly, I think you are very selfish and using your friend. If you had even an ounce of decency you would not have moved in with this man. You know full well that all his plans and intentions are base on his love for you…
jack 37
Karl-
When you’re not analyzing me, you’re brilliant. Two spot-on posts.
my honest answer 38
I agree with most of the other posters – you know this is morally wrong, and you are just hoping Evan will justify it for you by saying that you are doing it for your son. You’re not. You’re doing it for yourself, because you like his money, and using your son and the medical benefits as an excuse. Sorry, but that’s how I see it.
Bettina 39
What I gather from the post is that she had her son at 22 and, it seems, has raised him by herself. We don’t know anything about her education, job skills, financial situation, or how she even came to be pregnant at what today is considered a young age. There are lots of scenarios that would lead her to see marriage to a good male friend not only her best option but a moral one. Again, we don’t know what’s going on with the guy and why he would enter into this relationship. He may be thinking that he’s getting a good deal. We just don’t know.
And come on–men lie about s*x all the time, and we don’t know what he’s told her. Maybe he’s told her that he’ll love her no matter what, even without passion, and so she thinks there’s a chance that this arrangement will work out when really he just wants to get her into his home and then pull a switcheroo–ante up or you and your son are out on the street. It’s been known to happen (heavy sarcasm).
Some other Steve 40
I can see it now:
Six months hence, when Elizabeth’s “needs” kick in, she’s caught cheating while her crazy-about-her friend is home watching the kid, further crushing a nice guy.
Goldie 41
@ Christie #31:
“And it takes two to tango: doesn’t anyone find it questionable that this guy would settle for HER, when she’s clearly not attracted to him?”
My guess – he thinks he can change her over time. He thinks she will come around. I’ve heard this line from so many of my guy friends… “and then I stuck around for ten years because I thought I could help her change”. What’s probably going through his mind right now is, look, she didn’t want to be a couple before, and now she says we’ll be a couple! she’s moving in with me! That’s a huge step in the right direction. Yah, right now, she says she’s not interested in sex, but that, too, may change down the road. One step at a time!
Poor guy. Brings tears to my eyes just to think of him, even though he is probably pretty darn happy right now… but for all the wrong reasons.
Terri 42
Since Elizabeth states she IS a sexual person, this drive can only be sublimated for a period of time until it becomes unbearable. At some point, she will have to have an affair which is emotionally undesirable. Surely, her BF must realize – at some level – that he is physically repulsive to her. I am wondering what is going on in his mind? How long can a marriage last when even touching is unpleasant? Why does she find him repulsive?
Her 15 year old son is obviously affected by all these changes in his mother’s relationships. I think it is too late to start thinking about providing “stability” in his life. Kids are not stupid and are aware of what is happening around them.
Elizabeth needs professional counseling to help determine WHY her relationships end so quickly. Moving in for 18 – 24 months indicates a pattern that is unhealthy for her and her son. There are deeper issues that need to be addressed that will take more time than can be provided on this blog.
sephornet 43
<i>Am I a horrible person?</i>
Yes.
<i>jack@33: She’s not settling. She’s exploiting.</i>
Yes.
Christie Hartman 44
Karl (34)
“He’s not here to question. I don’t think we can assume that it is clear to him. (It probably should be, but he may be too socially inept to recognize the obvious. I have also known women whose body language could be easily misinterpreted.)”
Yes, Karl, he isn’t here to question. He doesn’t need to be to illustrate my point. I brought him up because when I see people heaping criticism on the OP, I want to remind them that it takes 2 people to create a situation as ridiculous as this one. He may be too “socially inept to recognize the obvious,” but his willingness to accept her no-sex clause shows just how low his standards are. And yes, this post is about her, not him, but I like to look at the whole picture.
starthrower 45
oh elizabeth, nothing good will come of this. i am a single parent of 3 and have been without a partner for pretty much all of the 8 years i have been divorced. hell yes there have been tough times but when they have been, that’s when one must dig in her heels and stand. i have been blessed with family, friends, and a church community that have always been there. you don’t have to do it alone but latching on to one man after another is not the way to go about it. maybe you have a poor track record with men because the ones you’ve been with do not see you as being in charge of your life. self-respecting men want to be needed but they don’t want to rescue. you owe it to yourself to put you and your son first and you’ll be glad you did. you risk a great deal by following through with this plan.
Ruby 46
Lots of marriages are based on transaction, rather than love. I don’t agree with it, but it is not uncommon for people to marry for financial security. It’s also known as “taking the easy way out”. In Elizabeth’s case, at least her conscience bothers her enough to question what she’s doing. If she were truly “horrible”, she’d have simply accepted her new digs and would never have bothered to write.
nathan 47
I think those who brought up “transactional” or companion marriages have good points. And it’s very true that many people have and continue to marry for financial security and other social/culturally based reasons besides love and sexual chemistry.
If I got the sense that this guy had agreed to such a relationship, had no problem not having sex with her, nor with the OP finding other men to sleep with when she wanted to, then perhaps I would be just fine.
The biggest issue to me is that some that seems really unclear. And if this guy is hoping things will “develop” over time, and/or believes she’ll be a loyal partner to him, then trouble is on the horizon.
Bettina 48
@47: It seem to me that most marriages are transactional in nature to a large part. Look at just about any oft-seen pairing and you’ll be able to sum up what the transaction was. The rich guy with the trophy wife (you’ll get status in the world; I’ll get everyone to think I’m a stud. See Donald Trump, etc.). The traditional couple (I’ll have someone to do a lot of crap that I don’t want to do; you won’t have to deal with the big, bad world. See every couple in the 1950s). The met-in-our-elite-grad-school couple (everyone will think I’m smart and successful; everyone will think you’re smart and successful. See the Clintons and every couple in Manhattan that doesn’t fit into the first category). The domineering person-passive person couple (people will think I’m nicer than I am; people will think you’re nicer than you are).
And so it goes…
When we see a couple where you can’t figure out what one or the other is “getting” out of the relationship we tend to describe them as an “odd” couple (a non-cougar, non-rich woman with a much younger man, for instance). Likewise, when it’s too clear what the transaction is, we tend to be cynical about the couple (an older rich man with a young blond or Asian wife, for instance).
We want the transaction to be clear but not in your face. We call these relationships ”normal.”
Ruby 49
Nathan #47
She did tell her boyfriend that she’s “not a sexual person and that I don’t want to have sex with him, or any other guy for that matter”. Even if you were in love with your best female pal, would you accept it if you were told that? So he is agreeing to the relationship. Conversely, he could be the one who turns to other women if the situation becomes unbearable.
Lots of marriages have a transactional aspect. I knew a handsome, but struggling artist who married a plain, uncreative, but wealthy woman. He cared about her but the financial perks made her desirable. Without money, he’d never have married her. She loved him, but she also got a sexy, creative man (out of her league) who would stay home and be a house-husband so she could continue working. This transaction was less “in your face” (Bettina #47), but it was still an aspect of the relationship.
Laura 50
The biggest issue is she’s already lying to the man about her sexuality.
The situation is so de ja moo, I’ve seen it happen to too many of my male friends. They marry a flakey, selfish self-centered hot single mom, and as soon as he finishes raising HER kids, SHE’S GONE!
BeenThruTheWars 51
@KarlR 34: I did ask. That’s what my mother told me. They’re in their mid-80s and neither of them could care less about sex. But they are very affectionate and sweet and devoted to each other.
Helen 52
Nathan, Bettina, and Ruby – I think you’re all right about so many couples having transactional aspects to their relationships. Bettina, I’d go so far as to say that I don’t know a single “normal” couple (I don’t mean that in a bad way, but sometimes it does elicit chuckles from hub & me). Why is she with a guy who has absolutely no energy? Why is he with a woman who lectures him loudly in public? How can she put up with his nonstop talking? How can he put up with her dietary obsessions?
The answer is, of course, that for each of them, the benefits of being with the other person outweigh the drawbacks, no matter what oddities we perceive on the outside. I guess I’ve learned not to judge too much. Every couple has a different way of working things out, and we shouldn’t stand here on the outside dictating how everyone should be. “Everyone should want sex.” “No cougars allowed.” “No gold-diggers allowed.” “Every married couple should have children.” As long as the couple is happy with their own arrangement, that should satisfy the rest of us.
Jennelle 53
Been there, done that, it was a disaster! In my late 20′s I had a male room mate. We were the best of friends. One night after we’d been drinking i kissed him or he kiss me or not sure how it happened.
Because we were the best of friends I thought it would work… nope.
After 15yrs of a loveless marriage and sexless marriage I finally got out. Don’t do it! Friendship in marriage is so important, but without love and passion you’ll both be unhappy. Eventually you kill the friendship. If he truly is your best friend… you owe him honesty.
do the right thing. Jennelle
jack 54
Ruby-
For such a relationship to be ‘transactional’, he would have to be getting something for it.
I would argue that a “Trophy Wife” setup is transactional and not based so much on love. An ugly millionaire gets to have sex with a woman out of his league, and a hot girl gets tons of resources. It’s cynical, but as long as both parties understand the relationship, it is their choice.
In the post here, we have one person causing a FRAUDULENT transaction. I’m sure that she did not say ‘no sex ever’ – she has to leave him thinking there will be some intimacy. Only SHE knows the TRUTH about the transaction.
And since he will get NOTHING, it is a cheat, not a legitimate transaction.
Most con artists probably use the same rationalizations this woman uses when they cheat people out of their money.
Lisa 55
Elizabeth, you can call this a marriage if you want. I call it a sponsorship.
Ruby 56
Jack #54
<<For such a relationship to be ‘transactional’, he would have to be getting something for it.>>
The boyfriend knows that he won’t be getting sex (even though, as Elizabeth’s best friend, he must have known or intuited that she was enjoying sex with her previous boyfriends), but he is okay with it. What is he getting? I’m not sure, but perhaps he hopes to be able to eventually win Elizabeth over. Perhaps he’s not that sexual himself. I’ve never said that what Elizabeth is doing is right or okay, but it is surprising that her guy is accepting a marriage on such terms.
Lisa 57
Ruby,
No guy is OK with not having sex. If there are extenuating circumstances, like a medical problem, that’s one thing. But this guy is definitely expecting sex.
jack 58
Ruby-
He is hoping to win her over by being a provider.
Frankly, he sounds very backward and socially awkward since he is signing up for this.
She is taking advantage of a person who does not understand what is happening. You have a cynical and calculating person who is taking advantage of a man who, by all indications, is a love-struck innocent.
I’m not sure which I find more worthy of reproach; a person who would engage in such naked exploitation, or another person who looks for ratioanlizations to justify it.
Annie 59
This is an odd one.
I totally agree she is exploiting him, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, is you really can’t be used by some-one unless you let them. He IS getting something out of this, even without the sex, and I suspect it’s something that is not very healthy emotionally.
So although what I think she is doing, is terrible, he is allowing it. Sounds like they could both use some councelling.
Bettina 60
Helen@52: Well put.
Jack@54: We all agree that we don’t know what he’s getting out of it but that he thinks he must be getting something. The marriage deal is never laid out so plainly as “you be good-looking and I’ll be rich”–the deal arises out of opportunity, I’d say, and may not be conscious to those involved. In your scenario, we have a guy who’s offering a lifestyle in exchange for a physical relationship with someone who has told him she isn’t interested in one. That sounds just as manipulative as what she’s doing. But yay for traditional gender roles.
nathan 61
@48 Bettina- “It seem to me that most marriages are transactional in nature to a large part.” I’d say the majority perhaps, but not “most.” Then again, I also think that the ways in which people tend to reduce intimate relationships down to what they are getting and gaining – as if it’s just another form of business – is a major part of why it’s so difficult to have healthy, long lasting partnerships in the first place.
Lisa @57 – I think it’s probably true that few men or women are ok with no sex at all in a relationship. The need may fade over long periods of time together for some, and a small percentage of folks might be asexual or not terribly into sex for some reason – but the large majority of both men and women would struggle with a sexless relationship over the long haul.
Ruby 62
Jack #54
<<I’m not sure which I find more worthy of reproach…or another person who looks for ratioanlizations to justify it.>>
Sounds like you are actually talking about the boyfriend.
Christie Hartman 63
This guy isn’t a “lovestruck innocent” or a victim – he’s a guy with LOW STANDARDS who is settling for a friend who hasn’t wanted him in 11 years, who has given up and settled for him, who doesn’t even want sex with him. Is it right for her to marry this guy? HELL NO. But he’s a grown man who’s choosing to give more than he ought to the wrong woman. If he ran this scenario by anyone, they would warn him that it’s a bad idea. But he isn’t asking for advice, or isn’t listening to the advice he’s getting. In “therapy speak”, he’s the classic person who, deep down, doesn’t believe he’s worthy of real love. And, chances are, so is Elizabeth.
Angie 64
Elizabeth,
I am probably echoing some other posters, but the reason your son has no stability is because you keep moving him around. Why do you keep living with different boyfriends?
I read a stat before that was women who live with MORE than one boyfriend without getting engaged/married greatly increase their chances of divorce. You don’t seem to know how to take care of yourself and your son on your own… you can’t expect a boyfriend to do that.
I also agree with the poster who says your “friend”/ “boyfriend” sounds awkward. No person on earth should agree to something like this. You also shouldn’t be building a house together with someone who you aren’t actually engaged to.
The next time you move in with someone, you should have in your head that you need a ring on your finger. This will ensure stability for you and your son’s futures.
Also, is it possible you don’t understand what “love” is? (also your friend/boyfriend doesn’t sound like it either). If you LOVE your friend as a friend… would you want him dating someone who is taking advantage of his financial situation?
jack 65
Ruby-
Guess again.
Bree Talon 66
A couple people commented on the importance of friendship, companionship for the sustainability in long-term relationships. I completely agree, and think that trust is probably the heart of making a true friend and companion. Without the intimacy that comes from the shared romantic and sexual connection (even if that is most vibrant in the beginning years of a partnership) deep levels of trust can never be gained. Elizabeth is holding back initially from even being honest with her so-called best friend about her sexual feelings, which is a horrible foundation of a partnership, and is never going to be sustainable in the long-term on an equal basis.
I had a relationship experience with a dear friend of mine not too long ago, we had so many things in common and so much intellectual attraction but for me that sexual chemistry was just never really there. I’m glad we explored the possibility of being together, though it has changed our level of friendship (hopefully temporarily) but in the end it was never going to develop into more without all the levels of attraction being present. While I can relate to Elizabeth’s quandary of wanting a man she knew was a tried and true good person, they were not on equal terms going into the relationship (she had more to gain) which was completely unfair and a callous disregard for what was right for them as a team – which is what a romantic partnership should be, IMHO.
Evan’s example of how it would feel to be on the receiving end of those same circumstances are probably not what she had in mind when she put herself on this course of action, thinking only of her best interests and her son’s. Which is in some ways understandable and human – but unacceptable.
Ruby 67
Christie Hartmann #63
Yes, exactly.
Jack #65
Got it the first time, But go back and read my previous posts. I’ve never rationalized – or condoned – Elizabeth’s behavior. I’ve tried to understand why her friend is rationalizing it, which he’d have to be in order accept a sexless relationship. If he’d chosen not to accept it, she wouldn’t be writing EMK.
Gem 68
Why did Elizabeth lie and say,
“I’m not a sexual person [with you or anyone].”
instead of: “The thought of YOU touching me is repulsive, but not the thought of OTHER men.”
She LIED because she knows the first way gives him some hope. And he, sadly enough, is sap enough to agree to this arrangement on that hope.
She may not be a sexual person NOW, but he’s hoping that changes. She’s not a sexual person with any man, so it’s not personal about him, and leaves hope that it may change in the future.
She purposely worded it in a way to deceive, knowing that after pining for her for years, he would jump at the chance to finally be in a relationship.
She knows his wheels are turning: Maybe she’s had a bad experience in the past and we can work on that. Maybe she never experienced true love, and she’ll come around. Maybe she never had great sex. With love and patience and devotion, HER problem can be fixed. Because he doesn’t know the truth. She doesn’t HAVE a sexual problem…..
He’s not signing up for a life of celebacy. He’s signing up for hope. Is he taking a big, dumb chance. Yes. Is he a little desperate, probably.
But he’s not a liar. She is, and there’s no way to rationalize it. Period.
Joe 69
She’s got a freakin’ KID, obviously she’s a sexual person…
Jadafisk 70
Also, she admitted as much.
Ronnie Ann Ryan - Teh Dating Coach for Women Over 40 71
It’s easy to judge. But as a dating coach, I have learned people have all kinds of reasons for the things they do for love. I don’t think Elizabeth should marry this guy because SHE really doesn’t want to. After all, why else would she write a letter like this to Evan? Maybe, she wants permission to get out of a situation she knows is wrong. That’s why she reached out for help and she got it!
So, have a little compassion for Elizabeth. Even though she is misguided, she certainly showed willingness to hear the truth from Evan and get a good, solid bashing from commentors.
Christie Hartman 72
Ronnie (71): Well said. It is easy to judge.
Annie 73
@68
If he has said he is okay with there not being any sex, and doesn’t actually mean it, then he is lying as much as she is.
It takes two people to get involved in a situation like this, not one. This man isn’t a helpless victim, he has agreed to this.
jack 74
Sometimes it is easy to judge because it is blatantly obvious to everyone.
Judging is not always bad. To say that it is always bad is a generalization, and I heard those were bad too.
Selena 75
Amen Annie # 73.
Yes Elizabeth lied to him when she said she wasn’t a sexual person. But he is also lying if tells her he’s okay with a sexless marriage, but has as much HOPE that will change as Gem (#68) believes.
Bad foundation on both parts.
Elizabeth, why don’t you just be roommates with this friend? That’s what you’re gonna be anyway even with a marriage license.
Christie Hartman 76
Jack (74): It isn’t blatantly obvious to “everyone.” Not everyone feels as you do, not everyone sees the situation as you do, and not everyone has judged it as you have. My view on this is that the OP should NOT marry the guy, that it would be wrong, but that I do not judge her because 1) she wrote in for advice (likely feeling that what she was doing was wrong), 2) people make stupid mistakes in relationships sometimes because they’re human, and 3) this guy is agreeing to the situation too, knowing full well that it sucks.
jack 77
If it is not blatantly obvious to everyone, it certainly should be.
I will have to admit to a certain amount of schadenfreude about cases such as this. Being one of the oft-ignored “good guys”, there is a tangible amount of satisfaction in seeing this woman’s mating strategy meet with non-success.
It is not so much that I am taking pleasure in someone else’s misery, it is more that it feels very wrong when someone succeeds at finding love and happiness after employing such a short-sighted, chemistry-driven, and immature dating strategy.
Love and happiness should be reserved for only those who act honorably. That is often not the case, I know, but at least sometimes poor choices bring poor consequences.
Judgmental? Sure – no one has figured out a way to outlaw judging other people, and so I shall indulge in this until they eventually find a way to make it illegal.
Jennifer 78
Jack #77 “It feels very wrong when someone succeeds at finding love and happiness after employing such a short-sighted, chemistry-driven, and immature dating strategy.”
This is something I don’t understand about you (and others that think like you do about this)- why? Why does it matter how other people succeed in getting what they want? Provided it’s not illegal or ‘dishonorable’ (and there is nothing inherently dishonorable about being short-sighted, chemistry-driven, or immature, if that’s how you want to label their actions), what does it have to do with you/why would it bother you? Because you weren’t chosen by them? It seems to me if you think so poorly of them, given how you characterize their actions, you wouldn’t want them anyway.
Not trying to pick on you because I know other people think this way as well, but I don’t get why you would concern yourself so much with how other people (people you probably wouldn’t want anyway) were succeeding (or not) in the love/romance game. It seems to me the time would be better spent figuring out how to get what you want instead of focusing on the ‘unfairness’ of it all.
jack 79
It’s like watching people get rich running a hedge fund instead of creating real wealth. Yeah, it pays, but it is only making money by playing games with money. Real businesspeople make money by giving value, rather than playing the market.
Personally, I will completely admit that when I read an online dating profile that is obviously written by some woman who chased bad boys until she was 40 and is now desperate to find her “prince”, I get a sense of satisfaction.
Bad, selfish actions should result in bad outcomes. Some people still cheat the system, but many do not.
Annie 80
@79
Your sense of satisfaction is based on revenge.
When you are happy, you will feel empathy. It’s the way the soul works.
jack 81
But the revenge makes me happy, so why don’t I feel any sympathy???
;-p
Ria 82
I think we tend to judge too easily and some of the judgemental comments, which l belive, were not quite right, especially remarks of what type of woman she is. Quite frankly, l belive she is not exploiting the situation, ld rather see someone, who, is desperately looking some sort of solution, is emotionally worned out and unhappy, disapointed and is wondering, wether something good can come out of this situation after all the hassle in past relationships (after all – all the women magazines these days tend to advice to marry the one who is “there for you” no matter the non-chemistry).
She also mentioned, she was TIRED of all her past dissapointments and unstability and the chain events of unhappy dating, and having that constantly, at the age of 37, it can make a mark. She does not sound like exploiter or user, rather misguided with very bad experiences in past (belive, a real exploiter would not post question here, she would be out there enjoying exploiting someone right this minute without worrying consequences), so be nice, guys:)
However, my advice would be exactly the same – not to get involved, because l belive its “not just sex” as some might think, but the whole attraction complex, which isnt there and it makes her even more suffer, if she agrees to enter into this union. Like someone else here said – advice would be to build up her own life, and take some time off dating to figure out herself. Her friend can be there for her as friend.
John 83
This woman is horrible. I am sorry I have to write that. She sounds like the most selfish human being on the planet. No wonder her relationships never worked out. Everything is about her, and no one else.
He is, and possibly always has been, in love with me. I do love him, but only as a friend. Evan, I am tired. I am tired of all these failed relationships; tired of moving in and out with people; and tired of the lack of stability in my, and my 15-year-old son’s life. I moved in with my best friend and told him we should be a couple. He jumped all over it. We are even building a new house together, which he is financing.
And that male friend of hers? He has no balls and deserves no sympathy at all. If I were in his shoes I would have cut her lose a very long time ago. This man has denied his feelings for a very long time, waiting for this selfish woman to come to her senses. Meanwhile, there is another beautiful woman out there who would absolutely appreciate his good heart, and be eager to form a lasting romantic relationship with him. He keeps waiting for Godot.
Personally, I don’t ever agree to be “just friends” with women I am romantically interested in. Never. Once I make my intentions known to her, and she tells me “I’d like to be friends only with you”. I tell her that is not my mission. If I am good enough to be a friend, I should be good enough to be a boyfriend. You see, the interesting thing with women is, they can get their companionship needs met by being “just friends” with you. However, you cannot get your own needs met through that arrangement. Thus, “being friends” is a one-sided arrangement where one partner benefits, and the other is kept in limbo, hoping for a change some time down the road. This man has waited for 11 years, and still continues to hope. What a wuss!
CR 84
John -
Everything you said is spot on. I’d add that many women know that these guys love them and take advantage of them…need a ride to the airport, need help moving, a shoulder to cry on while she complains about yet another dude who bangs her and leaves her…I see too many of my guy friends do this. The best advice I ever received from a male relative during my teenage years is that there are many great women out there, but don’t let any of them take advantage of you. Hence why I will help a girl move/ride to the airport so long as she is my gf.
Kelly 85
@84 Really? Guys and girls are not able to be friends without sex? I’m crushed….
CR 86
@85 – They can so long as the relationship is equitable. Not with one taking advantage of the other.
But overall, John (83) is 100% correct. And all those saying don’t ‘judge’ defending this women should be ashamed of themselves. Just because she writes about it, admits she’s confused, has had bad prior relationships…that doesn’t create any uncertainty over the situation.
What she’s doing is hideously selfish. She’s taking advantage of a guy who is in love with her for purely selfish financial reasons. If a man were to do that to a woman ya’ll would be up in arms. Both people in that situation are completely pathetic.
NonExist 87
She is wrong for deceiving him. And he may just be blind for not seeing through her game.
And if the thought of him touching her is repulsive, I even question their friendship. It is one thing to not be attracted to someone, but referring to sexually being with them as ‘repulsive’ is a whole new dimension.
And she wants him to be there for her and her child by another man.
The problem in her relationships may be her. She calls herself kind and compassionate but she is about to perpetrate a lifelong fraud on a friend of 11 years just to get stability.
Not saying she is a horrible person but I’d hate to see how she treats non friends.
But the guy seems to have possibly put himself in this position by always supporting her. Hopefully he sees the light and dodges this bullet.
Paragon 88
It is not relevant if he is lying – since it is not a plausible lie, and no one, including the OP believes that he would prefer a sexless relationship(even as he might abide it).
Her lie, on the other hand is far more pernicious – as her best friend(sic) is certainly not signing up to enable her clandestine sex life with other men(which is equally certain to be the case, from the sounds of it).
If this isn’t fraudulent, and exploitative(not to mention posing an element of moral hazard), then I don’t know what is.
If she wants to be seen as noble, she should either compensate him sexually, or walk away.
As for the psychological investment of other male posters in this thread – it is entirely understandable, as Elizabeth is posing a grave injury which is indemnified to legal redress, and where the victims are almost entirely limited to the male sex.
Like, duh.
Lorrie 89
A friend of mine married afriend she was unatracted to but loved as a friend. That relationship has been very strong and they are very happy. People age and get saggy and if you love them because of personality that lasts. Sex is not that big a deal but lOve is huge.
Brian 90
Have sex with your best friend. Maybe youll realize the love he has for you can translate in the bedroom too.