Am I Wrong to Expect Monogamy In the Early Phases of Online Dating?
I live in a small retirement community with few men my age (54,) so online dating gives me access to a much broader field. It also means a much longer introductory phase, and an awkwardly pressured scenario – if on meeting we are not attracted. I can deal with that, I think. But in the course of the protracted conversation, when the tone becomes increasingly intimate and anticipatory, I have to repeatedly face the unexpected revelation that the man I am “involved” with is involved, literally, with someone else, typically, an old girlfriend who is now a sex partner and good friend.
Though I have said expressly in my profile that I prefer a single focus and want to be told if someone has other people in their lives (so I can figure out how to deal with it,) I keep having to find out well into the hot pursuit phase. Is this just too much to ask? Should I just get over hoping for monogamy so early in the game? I just feel the other people involved would be hurt if they knew the exchanges their lover is having with me, even if it’s just over the phone, and making plans to meet. Hopelessly mired in tradition?
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Great letter. One I feel I must have answered before, but can’t really remember.
To put a fine point on it: yes, you’re hopelessly mired in tradition. But that’s not a flaw on your part. It’s a blind spot shared with pretty much every single person who is dating online. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
The most pervasive trait that I see in online dating is mind-numbing hypocrisy.
Are you “wrong” for wishing for a simpler, more direct approach to communication? Not at all. Are you fighting a losing battle with technology and human nature? Absolutely.
“I may have lied about my height by an inch…how dare she lie about her weight?”
“I’ve been dating on JDate on and off for six years…look at that loser – he’s been using JDate the entire time I’ve been on here and still hasn’t found someone.”
“I lowered my age to be seen by more people…but what’s with these guys who take off ten years and don’t tell you until the first date?”
“I’ve sent out ten emails and eight men were so rude that they didn’t reply at all; I’ve also got ten emails from interested men, but only two of them are really worth a reply.”
“Men are only looking for hot, young women…but I’ve only got the 20 most attractive men on my favorites list.”
And, of course, your dilemma.
Now, you may be the exception to the rule – for all I know, you communicate with only one man at a time and wouldn’t even consider writing an email to a new man if you were already in correspondence with another.
But that would seem to negate the entire nature of online dating – you have access to volumes of single people who also have access to volumes of single people. So are you “wrong” for wishing for a simpler, more direct approach to communication? Not at all. Are you fighting a losing battle with technology and human nature? Absolutely.
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45 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating
Tina #17 James Bond is a...
starthrower68 1
LOL! Oh the silly little reindeer games we humans play. And yet I can’t argue with a thing Evan says. Once again he is spot on. You’ve got two choices; opt out or play along. Only you can decide which is right for you.
Cilla 2
I liken Michelle’s situation to that of the person who wrote because she was having a hard time finding an online date who, like her, did not believe in sex before marriage. While Michelle’s best option to increase her potential dating pool is to learn to play by the majority rules, she also has the option of continuing to look for someone with identical values. Like the gal who opposes premarital sex, Michelle just has to recognize that if she sticks to her traditional ways, she is seriously limiting the number of men available to her. Everyone has a different idea of what “dating” means, from casual sex with multiple partners to serial monogamy. The average person, though, seems to agree with Evan, that it’s a process of meeting numerous people, whittling it down from there, and hoping that the person you choose picks you in return.
Ruby 3
I pretty much agree with Evan, HOWEVER this woman writes “I have to repeatedly face the unexpected revelation that the man I am involved with is involved, literally, with someone else, typically, an old girlfriend who is now a sex partner and good friend.” It’s one thing to continue to meet and/or date people online while meeting and dating others, but dating someone who is already involved with an old girlfriend, would be unsettling to me also. Is the “old” girlfriend aware that she’s just a friend with benefits? Or is the guy hoping to cheat on her? Dating is one thing, but having an ongoing sexual relationship while you’re meeting new people? Ok, I know men do this, but if a guy was really interested in me, I’d wonder why he’s telling me about this other woman, what he’s looking for and what the relationship they have is really about. Ah, the baggage!
Selena 4
Is realizing someone you meet off an internet dating site is most likely dating others really the same thing as a person “in hot pursuit phase” informing you of an ongoing sexual relationship they have? With an ex??
I’d be reluctant to get involved with someone who was still sleeping with his ex (?) girlfriend. I’d be wondering if she knew she was an ex. Or if the guy was using the internet to find …ahem… cheating partners.
mic 5
It’s possible that lowering physical standards might lead to a man who is not so likely to be a player. Facial cues and described personality traits might be helpful, too. Stated religion isn’t that reliable an indicator of attitudes now, is it? Consider that players in that age range might be more likely to use online dating sites than their monogamous male peers, e.g., maybe the type of man preferred goes to church social functions.
Karl R 6
Michelle said: (original letter)
“I have to repeatedly face the unexpected revelation that the man I am ‘involved’ with is involved, literally, with someone else,”
Once something happens to me twice, I start expecting it.
“I just feel the other people involved would be hurt if they knew the exchanges their lover is having with me, even if it’s just over the phone, and making plans to meet.”
A lot of them have become accustomed to the rules of the game. I realize that any woman may be dating multiple men. I won’t have sex until the relationship is exclusive, but she may choose to have sex with other men before then.
I’m not hurt by this because I accept reality. It’s not personal. It’s just the way things work.
“Should I just get over hoping for monogamy so early in the game?”
Yes. Since I haven’t formed any kind of bond that early in the relationship, it’s easier to stop dating the one woman who expects instant monogamy instead of the two or three who are willing to wait for the relationship to develop before taking that step.
Paul 7
Ya I agree with Ruby, that you don’t continue to date if you are having an ongoing sexual relationship with someone. That’s just crass. I know it happens, but so do STD’s. It is a hard thing (no pun intended) to date around like we do, when you meet someone you are really excited about and they want to continue dating around. I’m in that situation now, but I’m still in contact with other women, hoping that she comes around and wants me as much. And it might, it might not. If it doesn’t, and I was just waiting, not contacting other women, not meeting anyone, then I really wasted a lot of time. I don’t have that kind of time! I say date away until you get what you are looking for. As Evan stated on his last sentence, it only takes one and that one will make it all worth while. It only gets exclusive when two people agree it should, otherwise dating is really introducing yourself to a lot of people, because it takes meeting a lot of people, in most cases anyway, to finally meet the right one.
BeenThruTheWars 8
The answer is: date around, but don’t sleep around. Going out to dinner is not an engagement ring. Neither is going out to six dinners. Don’t sleep with a man until he has made an out loud commitment to you to be monogamous (and has agreed to be tested for STDs, as will you). Other than that, date up a storm and have fun! You might find you prefer the more light-hearted companionship to a one-at-a-time slog through “Is he the one?” each time out. If you approach this with a “I’m not taking it that seriously” attitude, the men will flock to you much more so than if you are out there with your pith helmet on, peering through field glasses for your next “kill.” Because that is the vibe you are giving off with that kind of profile wording.
I strongly recommend you read Evan’s book (if you haven’t already), “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book!” where he covers profile writing extensively. I read the book AND hired Evan, himself years ago – and met my now-husband two weeks after I posted that profile. He still quotes from it to this day. It’s well worth the investment. And no – LOL! I am not a paid shill for Evan.
JuJu 9
What Ruby said.
A lot of Evan’s response was, unfortunately, beside the point.
Zann 10
When I first started on-line dating, my expectation was similar to Michelle’s. It absolutely floored me that a guy who was writing me constantly, then calling, & cranking up the level of intimacy with each communication, was also doing pretty much the same thing with who knows how many other women on line. How dare he? Does he know who he’s dealing with? Oh, yea, I was so offended.
But with experience comes (some) wisdom, and some hardening that allows you to buck up, not take it personally, and continue on. But I’m having a hard time believing that Michelle is “worried” about the other women in this guy’s life. If that’s a genuine concern, then accept my apologies, Michelle, for my free, unsolicited, not-a-therapist opinion about that, and don’t read any further. But I suspect this so-called concern is pure projection & actually Michelle’s own worry about herself, and her wish that men would not engage her while simultaneously having those same, sweet, intimate interactions with other women. But she’s afraid of looking like the uncool one, the insecure one. So she takes the Mother Theresa route & says it’s done out of concern for those poor other women. (And yes, it’s possible that now I’m doing the projection. Whatever.) But the point is that it’s OKAY TO BE A LITTLE INSECURE, because everyone else is, too. So buck up, accept that you’re not Teflon Woman — and why would you want to be anyway? — and just try to be good to yourself when you feel insecure or rejected. Assume you’re not the only one on his sweet-talk list but also that you’re not the only one who is sometimes bothered by that reality of on-line dating. Oh, and enjoy the ride.
Cilla 11
Just as an aside, related to Been Through the Wars’s comment, does everyone here get tested for STDs after EVERY partnership and expect their new partner to, as well? Do you demand to see the paperwork? Do you carry your paperwork around with you on a date? Does your insurance cover all those expensive tests? I’m no slut, but I’ve had a handful of (protected) sexual encounters within the last year. There’s no way I could afford to be tested multiple times in one year for everything I could possibly have, and my OB/GYN wouldn’t order all those labs.
I realize only abstinence is foolproof, but at a certain point, don’t you have to assess your risks and act accordingly? If you think someone may not have been honest about all their past contacts, by all means, get tested. Get tested as part of your routine physical. Get tested if you have suspicious symptoms.
I guess I’m not one to wait for a serious, committed monogamous relationship (preferable as it might be to some) to become intimate with someone. As I’ve written before, if you wait that long to sleep together, and you are incompatible sexually, you have put yourself in a very difficult situation.
Steve 12
No offense to Michelle, but isn’t 54 a bit young to be living in a retirement community?
Jennifer 13
You know I love me some Evan, but his response here seemed a bit out of tune with the question. I didn’t get the impression that Michelle cares so much if the guys she’s dating are emailing/talking to other women online, just if they are continuing to sleep with ‘ex’ girlfriends while actively pursuing her. I definitely didn’t get the impression that her request was coming from a hypocritcal/double-standard type of place either.
Though I completely agree that Michelle can’t really put anything like ‘looking for a single focus’ in her profile. I can almost guarantee it will be misread/misinterpreted and not in a way that does her any favors. If I read a line like that I’d imagine a scorned/bitter/non-trusting man looking for an insta-girlfriend and wouldn’t waste any time on him.
casualencounters.com/blog 14
I’m starting to wish that Evan would start saying a bunch of stuff I disagree with so my comments on here could amount to more than the “right on! ^5!” sort of material I’ve been producing lately.
I guess I could take him to task on this sentence: “It’s like walking into a swingers party and wondering aloud why everyone has no values.” But, well. It’s only a flawed analogy, and the point it supports is well-made. It’d feel like quibbling.
casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Paid adult site review – Cams.com
Lance 15
What’s wrong with the values of the people at a swingers party?
I think it’s pretty reasonable to expect that the person that you just started dating be upfront if they are sleeping with someone else. It’s a health and safety issue, so that information needs to be out there. In this situation, the guy is being insecure. He’s afraid that if he lets the cat out of the bag, she’ll bolt, which she might. That’s the risk if you play the game that way.
Also, why does she have a problem if the guy she’s dating is getting laid with an ex? If she’s only been on a couple of dates, there’s no relationship there.
My question is this: if she wants her male dates to not be getting laid with exes, how long do they have to wait until the dude is unattached? A week? A month? Three months? It’s silly. Just date, and if it gets serious, tell him he has to make the decision to break it off.
Lance´s last blog post…Stomp, Anniversaries, Obama, and Vacations
Evan Marc Katz 16
I’m with you, Lance. Now check out today’s new post, which YOU inspired, bro:
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-date-a-7-or-hold-out-for-a-10/
Curly Girl 17
Always insist that the guy use condoms. You won’t believe how it puts the relationship into perspective. If he’s sleeping with other women you don’t care so much. If he’s not into the relationship he won’t care enough to go along.
JB 18
Wow ! Finally a great question !! The age old dilemma…………….
“Is anybody wrong to expect monogamy in the early phases of ANY dating relationship not just ONLINE.”
I think there are so many variables and answers to this question that it falls under the category of everyone has different parameters within they feel comfortable with in their personal life.
Since there are no absolute rules in dating(online or off)there are going to be tons of different answers and opinions depending on peoples ages,experiences,values,etc….
I tell this to women who I just feel something “casual” with all the time. Women are, for the most part not biologically programmed for casual sex so they will think differently than men.
On the flipside,does anyone really want to go on a date with someone that got laid “last night ?”. I know I don’t !
What if it’s “not serious”…yadda,yadda,yadda
Cilla’s right ….only delusional people think everyone is going to run to the doctor and get “tested” for everything before any time your going to have sex with someone new. Sounds great on paper except probably less than .00001% of anyone ever does it.
It’s just not practical or logical let alone feasible.
How can anyone ask anyone to be in a committed relationship BEFORE you’ve had sex?? That would be like buying a car before you’ve seen it or driven it, or a house before you’ve walked through it. What if you tell someone “ok,were monagomous” and then you find out their idea of a sexual relationship is once every 2 weeks ? You can’t date anyone else because ….oh darn “were committed”……it happened to me just like that. Never again though….lol I’m pretty sure 99% of the time it’s women asking for the monogamy EARLY on especially because they control the pace etc……..
Selena 19
@JB#18
I don’t confuse sexual exclusivity with committment. If I’m not compatible with someone sexually early on, I won’t continue to date them, let alone commit to them. In the past I’ve sometimes dated someone I knew wasn’t sexually exclusive to me. Fine for a fling, unsettling if my feelings deepen and I want to move toward something more. These days I’m apt to get the sexual exclusivity/non-exclusivity card on the table BEFORE proceeding in that direction. Saves misunderstandings on either side.
Someone who was still sleeping with a “supposed” ex though? Uh..who needs that? Not interested in becomming involved with someone who still has a “thing” going with last lover. Why bother?
Seems Michelle is trying to screen for this kind of thing before meeting with potential dates. Not wrong necessarily, but apparently unrealistic when using the internet vs. meeting people in person in other venues.
Michael 20
Dating is one thing, but having an ongoing sexual relationship while you’re meeting new people?
there is nothing wrong with that as long as commitments are not violated.
starthrower68 21
The comparison to test driving a car or walking through a house. Interesting that’s what we now reduce others to. Very interesting.
Curly Girl 22
Who says that women aren’t biologically “programmed” for casual sex? I don’t believe that statement can be supported with research. But there is a lot of neuro-biological and anthropological research to the contrary, actually. One of the anthropological theories advanced to explain the development of monogamy in humans (which is not a truth for all human groupings) is so that males would know that they are in fact raising offspring that are their own and not the result of some casual liaison with another male. Wouldn’t be a problem if women were hard-wired for monogamy. You can read about this in the book “Why Is Sex Fun?” by Jared…forget the last name. Won a Pulitzer for “Guns, Germs, and Steel”–also an amazing book. Warning: You won’t like the sex book if your idea is that males are cavemen looking to spread their seed and females are dependent creatures looking to snare a male to impregnate them and be taken care of. It’s all much more complicated than that.
BeenThruTheWars 23
Response to Cilla: Your local public health department undoubtedly offers anonymous, free testing for HIV and STDs. Avail yourself of their services. You’re paying for them with your tax dollars. Also, if you are tested anonymously, you get the added bonus of not having your coming in to get tested plus your labs being reported to your health insurance company, which in turn will report them to the Medical Information Bureau. That information stays on file forever, and if you ever go to get private health coverage (e.g., not through an employer), it may affect your rates or how much coverage you are eligible for.
That said: personally, once I “wised up” about dating, I never became intimate with a man who hadn’t told me he wanted to be monogamous, exclusive, said he loved me and was also willing to swap lab reports. That cuts way down on the number of tests needed. I only had to go through it three times, and the third time was a charm (i.e., my husband). Having higher standards leads to less hassle, not more.
BeenThruTheWars 24
JB: Having written a book on HIV/STDs, I know from my research that you are correct. Very few people will actually abstain from unprotected sex before they make sure their health (and lives) are not at risk. Human beings do all sorts of risky things. I just ate a flame-grilled cheeseburger for lunch. Carcinogens, hormones in the beef, saturated fats… totally irresponsible. Also totally delicious. Trust me, I get it.
However, I am not “delusional” in suggesting that it’s responsible practice in this day and age to get tested for potentially terminal diseases if one is launching into a monogamous relationship with someone and expects to have unprotected sex with that person. I feel I would be irresponsible if I didn’t at least bring the concept to the table. Especially with an older person like Michelle who is going to tend to be more conservative in their approach to begin with… and who is considering entering into relationships with men who have “friends with bennies” on the side.
Curly Girl 25
Thanks for the pep talk, BTTW!! I cannot tell you what an affirming, eye-opening, liberating experience it was when a guy I was seeing used a condom all the time, each and every time, did not ask, just did it. It was one of the most mature things I have ever experienced in a casual dating environment. Because very often (OK, in my experience, “usually” or “always”) casual daters are rarely concerned about health risks–they’re more worried about pregnancy and lay a big trip on the woman about that. As if STDs don’t exist or that it won’t happen to them, and birth control is just about preventing pregnancy and therefore is the woman’s responsibility. This irresponsible mentality–nay, this truly DELUSIONAL mentality–often goes hand in hand with a guy just looking for n.s.a. sex. Not sure why–you’d think that the more n.s.a. it is the more concerned the guy would be about any and all unforeseen consequences. Doesn’t seem to be the case, though. It’s like they think “Well, I’m not committed, so nothing will happen.” Not logical.
Guys would get a lot more n.s.a. sex if they used condoms (so nobody gets hurt) and made sure that the woman had a good time (i.e., worked on understanding female physiology a little bit, recognizing that it doesn’t work the same as male physiology). The stories I could tell.
Cilla 26
@ BeenThruTheWars
First of all, I’m not recommending unprotected sex. My comment made it clear that my encounters were protected. The risk stratification for STDs changes radically depending on whether or not the patient is having protected or unprotected sex. That risk stratification also dictates infectious disease protocols for lab tests, whether administered by a public health department or a private physician. Not all public health departments will provide unlimited, free STD testing when no risk for those diseases is present (especially if on intake it is discovered that the patient has private insurance). Precisely because they do use our tax dollars, they need to be judicious about ordering unnecessary testing.
Also, if you are launching a monogamous, unprotected physical relationship with someone you claim to love, don’t you think you should be at a level of trust where a verbal agreement about one’s sexual health is sufficient? If you need paperwork to prove your cleanliness, are you really ready for that type of relationship? If you don’t trust his word about STDs, can you really trust anything else he says? Do you demand proof of his monogamy by demanding a documented log of his time? After all, lab reports are only as good as the monogamy they are based on. If he cheats on you, all those clean lab results go out the window, but you may not know it unless he’s caught. How often do you demand a re-test, to prove he hasn’t been sleeping around? Many, many, many men will claim to be monogamous, will say they love you, etc., even in marriage, but they are lying (not saying your husband, just men in general). I’m playing devil’s advocate here, but my point is that sometimes there are just no guarantees.
To follow your line of thinking, one should be tested for every possible “terminal” disease, not just STDs. That means every time I touch a door handle in a public rest room (guaranteed to be covered with E. coli), I need a test, because I could *possibly* have exposed myself to a bacterial infection. Every time I ride in a cab, I should be tested for MRSA, since it could be cultured from virtually every public taxi. Statistically, the increase in mortality from MRSA in the US is climbing faster than the increase in mortality from AIDS.
And what about kissing? Certain STDs (HPV, HBV, herpes, and syphilis) can be spread through kissing. Are you advocating getting tested after every partner with whom you open mouth kiss, even if you do not engage in sex?
JB 27
Cilla is correct and Been thru the wars you know this…….any test result is theoretically and factually a “snapshot of exactly 1 moment in time that becomes meaningless if someone kisses or touches someone sexually 10 minutes after the test. All we’re saying as we’ve gotten way off topic is that most people aren’t going to run to the doctor every time they start to have sex with someone. Safer sex,common sense and a little judgement go a long way. Everything in life has an infinite possiblities of outcomes. Everything is about probabilities and odds. Anything is possible but is it probable?
LK 28
Wow, maybe I am sheltered but I have not once had unprotected sex outside of a long term, committed relationship. I don’t have casual sex on a regular basis, but it has come up (npi!) every now and then. There is no way that I would take such a big risk and not use a condom though. I’m already paranoid that a condom isn’t sufficient, since many STDs can still be transmitted regardless.
As for the original question, I learned the hard way not to assume any level of commitment or exclusivity until it’s discussed and mutually agreed upon.
Selena 29
Re: LK #28
“I learned the hard way not to assume any level of commitment or exclusivity until it’s discussed and mutually agreed upon.”
Yes. Alot of us have learned that lesson the hard way.
And have come to believe it’s best to have ” a discussion” about it BEFORE the removal of clothing.
Ruby 30
“Dating is one thing, but having an ongoing sexual relationship while you’re meeting new people?”
“there is nothing wrong with that as long as commitments are not violated.”
Yes, but we’re talking about a man’s availability for, and interest in, a serious relationship, which is what Michelle ultimately would like to have. It sounds like she is simply having phone conversations with men before actually meeting them due to distance, so she really is not “involved” (quotation marks hers) with them yet. Even so, I might wonder how available a man who’s still involved with an ex really was. I’d wonder if a guy was trying to keep things casual and non-committal by telling me. If the other relationship isn’t serious, why tell a woman you haven’t even met yet about it?
Joe 31
I’m with Michael (#20). There’s nothing wrong with a little FWB action while you’re looking for someone with whom you want something a little more. As long as both of you understand it is what it is (and yeah, I understand both people mayn’t be on the same page).
JB 32
Yeah Joe you’re right except most women(especially over 50 I’ve found) aren’t really up for FWB/anything “casual”. For most it’s ALL or nothing. I just had to tell a woman after 5 dates that I didn’t see it ever being anything serious and she said “then I can’t invest any more time into this”. I told her I understand,I’m just being honest.
starthrower68 33
I’m not sure it’s wise to expect monogamy right very early in the dating phase; what the op misses is that she should be seeing more than one gentleman at a time, at least until she and a man are ready to be exclusive. Dating around – not sleeping around – helps a woman retain her objectivity.
hunter 34
Curylygirl, is there any literature/CD’s/lectures, you recommend on female physiology?
sexy Filipina girl 35
In the world of online dating, you cannot really expect monogamy from that certain person. Online dating world are full of lies and pretensions. Expecting monogamy in the early phases of online dating is sort of absurd because what’s the use of being a member of online dating sites that has hundreds of thousands interesting singles that could be your potential mate when you only focus to one preference? Online dating allows plethora of chances for you to meet different people from different walks of life. And when you know that the other half is already committed and is having sexual encounters with someone, then the better way to deal this kind of situation is find another man that has no strings attached because what goes around comes around. Meet people and enjoy life but be responsible with your actions!
Foxx 36
I have never had un-protected sex during the first phase of any of my relationships. I cinsider it when Im in a LTR. However I had un-protected sex with my current boyfriend the very first day we had sex because I was stupid and in love and got carried away. Anyhoo this is the first time he is out of the country on business for over 3mths and even though i want to trust him and believe him when he says that he is not having sex with any other woman, i just dont belive any man is built to stay away from sex for the long because men dont think like us. Men cna be so in love with their woman and still consider having quickie to fulfill their urges.
Well he comes back in a few weeks and I am contemplating buying some condoms. How do I tell him that i want him to start using condoms until we get married. Will he be offended? What if he truly was not having sex with other women? I will rather do this than tell him I will like to not have sex again until we get married, will he lose interest in me for taking way the pleasure of sleeping with me raw and changing my mind all of a sudden?
Karl R 37
Foxx said: (#36)
“even though i want to trust him and believe him when he says that he is not having sex with any other woman, i just dont belive any man is built to stay away from sex for the long because men dont think like us.”
If you feel that all men (or just your boyfriend) are incapable of integrity, you shouldn’t get married.
I’m a man. Here’s what I believe:
1. If I cheat, I will hurt my girlfriend, destroy her trust in me, and destroy our relationship.
2. Even if my girlfriend doesn’t know I cheated, I will know, and that will damage or destroy our relationship.
3. There’s a big difference between fleetingly considering a quickie and going through with it.
4. I may not be “built to stay away from sex” for 3 months, but I’ve abstained for 3 months before, and I can do it again.
Foxx said: (#36)
“Will he be offended? What if he truly was not having sex with other women?”
If my girlfriend implied that I’d cheated on her, I would be extremely offended.
I can’t find the words to explain how offensive I would find this accusation.
Foxx said: (#36)
“How do I tell him that i want him to start using condoms until we get married.”
Tell him that the doctor put you on a medication that interferes with your birth control, and you need to use a condom for birth control.
Just out of curiosity, if you believe that he’ll cheat on you now, what makes you believe that he would stop after getting married?
And if you tell him that your medication is interfering with your birth control, you might want to consider the irony of the situation. Regardless of whether he is trustworthy, by lying to him, you will be proving that you aren’t trustworthy.
Foxx 38
Wow #37, great post to my question.
It’s just little vibes I’m picking up on that makes me think he is cheating but a part of me wanna let him off the hook if he did cheat because we just dated 2 mths long distance before he travelled. Even though we say we are commited , it’s too early for him to be that into me to wanna withhold temptation.
I don’t believe he is a serial cheater. I’m not hoping to wait until marriage for him to stop cheating. Im hoping to give the relationship more time to see if my irrational thoughts is as a result of us being apart for that long. If i catch him during this time, there will be no marraige.
I will rather be safe and careful while trying to sort this out in a couple of months. Yes it will be a lie but the lie harms or hurts no one.
Thanks.
Sarahrahrah! 39
Since these comments have veered towards discussion of STDs, I think it is really important to note that condoms do not protect people from one of the most common STDs, which is HPV. HPVs are by far the most common STDs and lead to one of the more common cancers in women: cervical cancer. If that disease doesn’t kill a woman, it can still affect her fertility and ability to carry a pregnancy to term.
I was in a relationship with a man who was (unbeknownst to me) seeing plenty of women at the same time, but felt like he wasn’t doing anything wrong because he always wore condoms. What he ended up doing is infecting myself and at least one other person with a cancer causing HPV strain. I was “lucky” in that I “only” got a precancerous legion that I had surgically removed and have been okay now for ten years. Not everyone I know has been that lucky with HPV.
If you think about human anatomy, there is a lot of genital contact that occurs even with a condom on. In fact, the larger a man is, the more contact there likely is.
I think one would be wise to take BeenThroughWars advice and always get tested before and after partners — including for HPV and Hepatitis if warranted.
Clare 40
For the life of me, I cannot understand why people worry about these things or get emotionally involved enough in the early stages of dating to the point that they *care* whether someone is seeing or communicating with someone else.
In the early stages, it is all fun and it doesn’t mean anything until you start to see tangible signs from the guy that he is properly interested in you and committing himself to you. And this will happen without any questioning or prodding on your part.
Gabz 41
Not EVEN going into the STD conversation.
My experience has taught me this:
1) if someone can sleep around, he/she will–until he decides to get serious about one particular partner. Yes, if you’re still in the “just hanging out” stage, there will be some overlap. No, you’re unlikely to ever know the full extent of that overlap.
2) uncommitted people tend to compartmentalize relationships. Odds are excellent that there will be intimacy (of some sort) within every relationship. In most cases you will hear about each other but won’t be told exactly how intimate it gets. Take it as read that until you both agree to be serious, it’s not serious.
3) Trust me, you really don’t want to know too many details–it’s a sure sign that you’re in Friends With Benefits territory.
marymary 42
The hpv that causes visible warts is less of a problem than the ones that cause cancer. HPV is so prevalent it’s pretty much assumed that every adult who’s had sex has carried – or is carrying – one or more strains. You can’t screen for most of them.
Condoms help, but don’t protect 100%.
So, I guess the question is – is this man/woman sufficiently important to me that they’re worth the risk picking up another strain?
Romance, who said it was dead.
On the plus side, most people can clear the virus within a couple of years.
MilkyMae 43
I think some men don’t view “hanging out” as non-committal. In fact, if you are dating a man and he says or acts like he wants to do unplanned or non-courtship activities such as watching a game on the sofa, washing cars, jogging or getting a pizza, he’s probably sizing you up for a serious relationship. JMO…
Clare 44
I agree with starthrower # 33
Not only it is it silly and unrealistic to expect a guy you are communicating with (or in the early stages of dating) not to be coomunicating with/seeing other women, you really MUST be thinking about your options and dating other guys too.
It is so not good to be hung up on one guy that you barely know, and dating or chatting with a number of different guys opens you up to the world of men and lightens you up about the whole thing.
Diane 45
Just picking up on what Clare said about not understanding why people get emotionally involved in the early stages of dating.
Some people do lack self esteem and confidence, and do require constant reassurance. I can’t criticize, as I’ve been there done that.