Are Ignored Texts A Signal To Move On?
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I’ve been seeing a man for a year + 4 months. He texted me on Christmas Eve for a hike early Christmas morning. I replied,”YES! I’d love to!” I got up early, got ready for his call, and never heard from him. His text included that he had his 16 year old daughter and niece spending the night on that eve (so no spending the night for us!)
I sure was hurt, disappointed, let down and felt stood up. Finally, I left at noon to go to my friend’s for the day. No cell service there. I got home at 9 pm and saw that he’d left me a text around 2 pm saying we should’ve gone for a hike before the rain that started at 10:30 am (I wanted to say NO SHIT SHERLOCK, but of course I kept my sarcasm and hurt to myself.) I texted back I was ready early for that hike, as requested, and would have appreciated a call! Merry Christmas. It took him two hours to text he never received my reply and my mailbox was full so he couldn’t leave a message. Oh well. Goodnight.
Evan, for a man who depends upon his blackberry for business and social/everything, how could he not get my response almost as soon after he invited me? Then, why wouldn’t he try again, if he didn’t see my reply? If he missed replies for work and other events with people he makes plans for, he wouldn’t be as successful as he is… I responded last night, chagrined that he missed my text, puzzled as to how, saying I’m sorry, was disappointed and looking forward to it. It’s 11am on day after xmas and I haven’t heard from him yet… Plus, I have xmas gifts and a card I was going to give him. Shall I return them? Is he trying to tell me something (that I’m fearful of) by his non response? In other words, no message IS a message? Shall I just hang it up after over a year and cut my losses? Shall I text him asking, “Can we see each other today or at least a phone call…” I’m weary of texting! My heart sure hurts big time, and I don’t want to pursue. Thank you for your understanding.
Sheila
First, my apologies. Unfortunately, my blog isn’t a 24-hour-hotline, and questions are usually answered about a month later.
Could there be a more evil invention for interpersonal dating communication than texting?
So whatever you decided to do the day after Christmas, I’d really like to hear how it turned out. I sincerely hope that everything I have to tell you next is wrong. Because I feel pretty strongly that this problem is mostly of your own making.
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68 Comments »Filed Under Communication
Jessica 1
I don’t text, but I don’t think I would have considered it a definite plan in the first place unless I’d heard back from him with a more specific plan.
I don’t text. Or receive texts. At all. Does this make me un-datable in today’s world?
Mel 2
Hi Evan,
I’m confused by your response b/c you wrote that calling goes two ways. Isn’t the guy supposed to do the calling? Also, what about setting up dates via text message? Aren’t guys supposed to call to set up dates?
I broke up with a guy after 5 months b/c our main form of communication was via text. I thought that meant that he wasn’t that in to me. So now I’m just confused. His response to me bringing up that more phone conversation would be great was that the phone goes both ways. I could call him too. Help! I feel like I’m hearing two conflicting pieces of advice and don’t want to sabotage things by over analyzing in the future.
Confused 3
There has never been a letter that has made me want to respond, ever. I’ve been reading for years.
Why didn’t you just pick of the phone and call him in the morning to ask about the hike??!!!!
You’ve been seeing each other for over a year! Why all this mess?
And even if you hadn’t called him in the morning, you still could’ve called for clarification when he text.
This was the most simple thing that was sent into Defcon 9. I wish I just had these simple problems with men.
Andrea 4
I think texts are a bit lazy but also a bit safe. I dislike them with people that I’m just getting to know for that reason. One of the things about all of this technology is that most people get their emails, texts, and everything else in real time. It’s annoying really how many people will interrupt time with you (and this includes family and friends) to answer phone calls, emails, and texts, which to me can wait unless you think something urgent is going on. Even in work at meetings, people will answer personal calls and get up and leave to go talk. So most people are getting your messages as soon as you send them, no matter what we’d like to tell ourselves. And they answer people that they consider high priority even in somewhat inappropriate circumstances.
At any rate, I’d move on over an ignored text b/c the early stages (and I think 4 months is early) should be when someone is still pretty excited to see or “hear” from you.
I’m guilty of using texts as the “easy” way to communicate. It lets me avoid dealing with rejection, having difficult conversations, or being disappointed live. It’s almost as if when someone flakes out over texted plans, you can make the excuse that he/she didn’t get the text in time. But really, if you make plans with someone and the time to leave is fast approaching, that’s when it’s time to stop texting and make a real call so it’s a yes or no.
Texting let’s people kind of passive aggressively blow you off. And it let’s you make excuses for them.
I’m not saying that is what happened here, but I think that this reminds me that in my own future, I’d rather get the good or bad news and make the person give it to me in their own voice. And honestly, that tells you a lot more anyway. We misinterpret so much with the voiceless communication, whereas a human voice will usually express pleasure, disinterest, etc.
I can recall getting blown off repeatedly by someone who used to call, email, and text non-stop. Someone who practically slept with the phone, and ALWAYS had it set to at least vibrate. So when I started getting blown off, I should have walked away and said forget it. Previously, there had been NO circumstance under which any form of communication from me would have been ignored. So the claims about suddenly being busy were the cowardly way of ditching me. If someone who is always responsive stops being responses, don’t make excuses for him and let him go.
Confused 5
And looking back, it was never stated on the text what time to meet in the morning. How did you even know when to get up, unless you’ve been hiking before?
If you two had been hiking before and he was late from the normal time from when you guys hike, you could’ve called. You still could’ve called even if you haven’t hiked before.
Regardless, you should’ve picked up the phone. A year and 4 months of dating and you feel uncomfortable calling and “you don’t want to pursue”? That’s not fair too him.
Denise 6
I think this video is hysterical! It’s always funny to see the sexes protraying the other, especially with the men acting like women, LOL.
EVAN: You’ve been with him for 16 months and you still say you’re “seeing” him? If he’s not your boyfriend, we’ve already identified the real problem here.
Perhaps there is way more to this story…
#1 Jessica
No, I don’t think you’re undatable
. Actually, your life will probably be easier since that’s not an option for a man to contact you, he can only get you via phone or in person. When he does either, it shows his interest level.
Andrea 7
Oh, but to clarify, in this case I don’t know why you didn’t call. I think I went off topic. After 16 months (I thought it was only 4), you kind of know where you stand so you definitely should have called him to clarify. We’re not talking about you being overeager with a guy you just met. This is your bonafide boyfriend.
And yeah, just makes me hate texting even more and I think I’ll avoid it in these kinds of situations precisely for this reason.
Selena 8
The problem I see is that you were dating someone for 16 mos. and yet couldn’t bring yourself to phone him to confirm plans for some reason. Doesn’t sound like a good relationship to me. How has it worked out for you?
Confused 9
Mel,
Guys don’t have to make all the dates. After five months, it’s perfectly fine to suggest dates to him because how else will he know you’re actually into him.
Like he said, you could call also. There should be a comfort level by that time, and you should reciprocate what he does; He calls to ask you out one week, you ask him out the next.
Selena 10
I love the picture atop this blog entry. Hysterical!
Mel 11
Hi Confused,
It wasn’t a matter of scheduling dates. He texted everday, but only called maybe 7 times during the entire 5 months. That’s why I wanted to get some clarity from Evan, from a guy’s point of view.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Denise 12
#11 Mel
How many times did you actually see and spend time with him, in person, approximately of course?
Mel 13
Hi Denise,
It was a long distance relationship. So we saw each other every couple of weeks.
Steve 14
Wow! 13 responses already!
Steve 15
I agree with Evan. Texting has to be one of the most masochistic inventions from the perspective of dating and relationships. IMHO, texting and email have two primary negative uses. Avoiding confrontations and having a cover for not answering people ( “one of those mysterious tech things ate my message ” ).
If I want to see someone I make plans live, over the phone. If it is more than few days away I call to confirm. This rarely results in hurt feelings.
More Confused 16
I’m confused as to why Evan suggest she pick up the phone and call him. I’ve read over and over how a women is to never call the guy. I’ve even read where Evan always initiated phone calls with his wife while they were dating. Some clarification would be great!
detha 17
I agree with Steve, can’t believe the number of responses already on this topic. Can’t wait to read everyone’s thoughts on this subject.
Evan Marc Katz 18
To all of you who are confused, it just ain’t that confusing. Life isn’t to be lived by rules – and as a guy who writes “rules”, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that there is nuance in every situation. But there’s a huge difference between calling the guy you’ve been seeing for two weeks and asking him out for a third date, as opposed to calling your boyfriend of 16 months to see if plans are still on.
If you take my “do nothing” advice to mean NEVER do ANYTHING for your BOYFRIEND, you’re highly misinterpreting things. Women will usually be more effective with men if they are receptive and let men win them over with their efforts in the formative stages of the relationship. But once you feel “safe”? Do whatever the hell you want.
detha 19
Thx for the clarification Evan, I think the operative term I was missing was “formative stages of the relationship”.
Steve 20
@Jessica #1. Me either. I don’t even carry a cell phone. Maybe there should be a specialty site for people who don’t want to be on an electronic leash all of the time?
Steve 21
“You all” should be glad that I am not emperor of the United States. I would make texting, hand held phones, SUVs, and dancing with stars illegal.
More Confused 22
Thanks Evan!
TripleM 23
Appropos of some of the comments (on this post and others past) — it kind of boggles my mind that a woman would consider dumping a guy just because he typically texts instead of calls. I’m well aware that in many ways my brain just isn’t wired the same way as most women’s seem to be, so I accept that I’ll often be baffled by stuff that has my women friends going off the deep end . . . but I dunno, to me, it’s just another form of communication. Text, e-mail, phone, carrier pigeon, smoke signal . . . whatever is most practical for the situation is fine with me, and most of the time I think of texts and calls as being interchangeable, as far as practicality goes. I wouldn’t necessarily read some “he’s just not that into me” interpretation into a guy’s preferring to text me rather than call.
(For the Christmas morning thing here, though, it seems a phone call from the OP would have been better. And I guess I wouldn’t want to get a “Hey will u marry me k thx bye!” message, either, LOL!!)
Denise 24
#13 Mel
Every other couple of weeks? If I’m reading that correctly, out of 5 months (20 weeks), you saw and spent time in person 5 times, basically once a month?
This is the deal, humans are meant to court IN PERSON. Not on line, not via text, not via phone. All that counts for dating is the time you actually spend together, interacting, observing and working together through every-day life.
Given long distance is challenging–out of sight, out of mind (ESPECIALLY for men)–I think this guy did pretty well trying to keep up his side of communication and keep things going.
See #23, I’m on the side of TripleM. Everything has to be viewed in context. When the man I’m dating takes time out of his busy day to text something sweet or sexy to me, it’s a nice surprise and I know he’s thinking of me. That’s how I look at it. The context is he does NOT forgo every other communication method like phone or seeing me in person and it’s only texting, it’s just that it’s convenient and it’s one way of reaching out.
#18 Evan
You make me chuckle! Right on!: Women will usually be more effective with men if they are receptive and let men win them over with their efforts in the formative stages of the relationship.
Mel 25
The important thing to focus on is the formative aspect. If you’re still in the beginning stages of getting to know someone and depending on the situation this may take some time text message for everything is a problem. As has been stated in other articles, it only takes a little bit of time to pick up a phone and chat with someone about their day, etc. We do it with our friends and family so why wouldn’t we with someone who is more than just a hook up?
Mel 26
Yes, Denise, you are exactly right. Getting texts during the day is very fun. It’s when that’s the only form of communication that it becomes an issue especially in a long distance relationship where the phone is actually the main way to build something.
Bren 27
Ok… so Evan what about the fact that I don’t want to text and men keep texting anyway? They don’t want to answer their phone to talk…. It seems they are hiding behind their texting… It’s like communicate this way or I won’t communicate at all… What you said… “I’m running late… or miss you etc…” is actually nice… but to say anything complex or to cancel a date by text…just seems rude…
Recently a guy I had been out with three times….canceled a date by texting that his high school friend wanted to see him…..and then tried to reschedule for the next day.. I said I can’t make it tomorrow I have plans… Then I called and said I don’t have unlimited text and that I did not really understand about the cancellation but ok…. If you want to set another date just give me a call…. Was nice…..but just tried to let him know I don’t like texting…. Never heard from him again….
To me…it confirmed that he truly does hide behind texting… and did not really want to talk…..
I truly want to put an end to this texting nightmare!! Can’t two people just talk by phone? How do we deal with this obsession with texting?!
Confused 28
Bren,
If you told him you don’t like texting and that’s it’s inconvenient because it’s not part of your cell plan and he text anyway, then he’s not interested. He would’ve accommodated you by calling you.
Never heard from him again….
To me…it confirmed that he truly does hide behind texting… and did not really want to talk…..
It also confirmed that he didn’t want to see you again, which I’m sure you’ve assessed.
When you tell a guy that you would rather talk and he makes an effort, then he’s to be taken seriously. This guy, nope.
Denise 29
Mel #25 and 26
As you can see from these entries, we all have a different tolerance and preference for communication.
In your original post you said you spoke to him about your preference for phone calls (good for you!), he invited you to call him. But you didn’t want to do that I guess…you wanted him to do most of the communicating? Then you got irritated because he didn’t do it via phone like you wanted, he did it via text, although he did still call at times. Sounds like he couldn’t win
.
Your point is well taken about texting, but like I said, in my view, it has to be in context of what else the man is doing to showing his interest. Makes me think too that it can’t be vague in regard to text this much, but not too much…don’t know many men that would want to keep up with that, and we all know men are basically lazy and texting is a lazy way of communicating
Perhaps it’s better to say NO texts at all–just thinking out loud.
Trying to establish a meaningful relationship is really difficult when the two people are hardly spending any time together in person. It’s just something to consider, that’s all.
Denise 30
#27 Bren
…..but just tried to let him know I don’t like texting
State your preference, in a nice, assertive way (with no ‘tone’), that you don’t think text is the best way to communicate, you don’t have unlimited texting, and if he could call, you would appreciate that. If the guy is into you, he’ll do things differently. If he’s not and continues to text, don’t answer him.
There was another question/train of posts where the woman told him what I described above. She just provided an update today, he’s changed his attitude!
Sounds like this guy you’re talking about was ‘just not into you’, so don’t lose too much sleep over it. (And I do agree that doing what he did was rude, back in the ‘old days’, he would have had to call. OR he would have stood you up!)
JB 31
The question should be…..What kind of idiot that’s been dating a woman for over a year would make Christmas morning plans on Christmas Eve by text? And who doesn’t at least call and wish someone they’ve been in a relationship that long a “Merry Christmas” on Christmas day no matter who’s at the house?? Evan’s right,pick up the phone !!!
BeenThruTheWars 32
First of all… that video is priceless. It summarizes perfectly why texting is insipid and lame in a dating context. You have the phone… IN YOUR HAND… and can’t bestir yourself to talk to the person you’re involved with, or want to be involved with? Agree 100% with Evan that texting is evil in every respect except for quick informational blasts or short requests (“Pick up bread and milk”) in an established relationship.
Ruby 33
JB #31
Yes! I do find it odd that two people who have been dating that long didn’t have more definitive holiday plans together. Sounds awfully casual to me. I do think the boyfriend should have called to let Sheila know what was happening, but when she hadn’t heard from him by late morning, she should certainly have called him herself.
I have solved the texting problem by telling people that I don’t have a text messaging plan (which is true). I dislike texting. Guess I’m old-school and agree that it is best for very casual conversation only.
starthrower68 34
Then a guy who prefers to text rather than a phone conversation is not a good bet?
Diana 35
I only have a cell phone for emergencies, and I will never be a user of text messaging. The thing I notice about all of our various forms of e-communicating: it creates this sort of nagging pressure that we must always respond right away, no matter what else is happening in any given moment. People have certain expectations, and gosh knows communicating is sometimes difficult enough in real time, let alone electronically where so much can be lost in translation.
As for the writer’s dilemma, I would have asked for a specific time in regards to going on the hike, and when he didn’t come over or send no further communication, I would have given him a call. While it’s not likely to happen, you never know when someone may have a true life emergency, like a car accident. And I think she’s way overreacting and overreaching. Not knowing the true state of their relationship, if something like a failure to communicate about a meet-up to hike sends her running for the hills in her mind wondering if maybe their relationship is over, what will her reaction be to something that really tests their relationship?
starthrower68 36
If I had enough mathematical expertise, I’d use game theory to figure out what men will do.
Zann 37
Oh for goodness sake. I’m with JB — #31. Common sense and common courtesy should prevail. Even if they’re not exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend, if you’re gonna text her about a Christmas morning hike…and you don’t hear back from her…follow through with a phone call! Seriously, it’s not rocket science people. And when morning rolled around and he didn’t show up or call, why didn’t she just call & at least make sure he’s not stuck in a snowbank somewhere.
There’s likely more to this story, but whatever it is, both of their actions seem a little passive-aggressive or evasive. Maybe in the cold light of Christmas morning & too much egg nog the night before, a hike didn’t seem like the great idea it seemed like the night before. And then when he didn’t “stand and deliver,” she dug in and was determined to make her point with silence.
So they were both a little lame and blaming. I don’t think texting is inherently evil, but like email, the possibilities for miscommunication are huge when it’s relied upon as the primary means of relating. In my opinion, texting has become a lazy way of faux-communicating and does not promote genuine intimacy.
Shay 38
I agree that Sheila should have called. How can she still feel uncomfortable calling him after dating for so long?! If she feels uncomfortable, how can she stand it for so long (before this texting thing blew the issue up)?!
Andrea(#4): “Texting let’s people kind of passive aggressively blow you off. And it let’s you make excuses for them.”
Yeah…I’m kinda like that as well. At the formative stages of a relationship, say I just gota know the other person, I sure don’t want to call or for him to call me. If he calls me, I won’t know what to talk about either…But it sure is a good sign to see calls from the guy as it shows more interest from him.
Recently, I have unfriend all the guys whom I see no potential for any development into a relationship with on facebook. And made a New Year resolution to not add such guys as friends.
If any new guy wants to know me, they get my number. If any of the old guys regain interest in me, they have my number.
Annie 39
@ Steve #20.
I honestly think the reason I’ve broken my last 4 cell phones(4 in 1 year) is because I despise them so much I am subconciously destroying them.
I like your view though. You dont’ carry one. I might do that. I’d like one for emergencies, but gawd they bug me. So does MSN.
Now, whenever a friend tries to talk to me on Facebook, msn or texting to make plans, I pick up the phone. If they don’t answer I say, give me a call and we can chat.
Are we all so freaking afraid of everything we can’t even speak to each other? Nutty world…nutty, nutty world!!
Donna 40
Texts do get lost, or never make it, even though said “received” on the other end. I’ve confirmed this with one of my best friends who has given me grief on several occasions when I’ve not responded further in texting conversations. And I’d say I never got any more responses. Also once he got a text once in my presence that had obviously been sent the previous day. So they can, sometimes, disappear into thin air or be delayed. But still no excuse. Texts can be fun, but texts and email as the main form of communication in a budding relationship is for the birds! Stand up and be a man ! and if that’s mostly what you’re getting, or giving, someone is just passing the time of day !
Denise 41
It summarizes perfectly why texting is insipid and lame in a dating context. You have the phone… IN YOUR HAND… and can’t bestir yourself to talk to the person you’re involved with, or want to be involved with?
It’s funny how we can see this video differently. Yes, it’s about texting the ettiquete (sp?) of texting. However, I think it has a much bigger message about how women blow things out of proportion and how they expect their men to be at their beck and call and how they have no patience. The same thing could have happened if the guy left a voicemail message, like in the old days
. Women will do the SAME kind of things…Oh, he didn’t call me back in over an hour, this relationship is OVER! Or, he said “Go” in his voicemail, what does that mean?! (Listen, I’ve been guilty of this kind of insanity in the way past. It’s really good to see how crazy it is and this video does a good job of it! After all, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, what do we have?!) LOL
As for the original poster, sounds like everyone has it covered and Evan, as usual, does a great job in putting things in perspective. There’s more to this story that we’re not hearing. It’s NOT about the texting incident, it’s always something bigger. What she’s irritated about is only the symptom.
JoJo 42
I agree with 35 that the OP should have asked for a specific time as to when they would hike. Of course the OP could have called when she didn’t hear from him the next day. However, I also see the other side of it. If he had reasons such as getting up late or busy with his niece, doesn’t he owe her that phone call letting her know what was going on? Isn’t it just common curtesy when making plans with someone you should let them know what’s going on so that the other person is not kept in the dark? Maybe it’s just me, but I was in that situation with my ex and I felt weird having to call him and question him because I didn’t want to seem like I was on top of him or nagging like where are you type of thing. With that being said, I wouldn’t go as far as thinking of returning his Christmas gifts and I wouldn’t make plans via text.
Andrea 43
Annie (#39). I think we are afraid, and I think that texting and email let us off the hook. I feel like it takes us all back to middle school, where you were passing notes via your friends, having them ask a boy that you liked if he liked you back.
And when things head south, you can disappear behind your technology of course, ignoring or blocking emails, deleting and blocking on social media, etc.
I really don’t want to deal with people who will hide behind text messages to avoid dealing with me. Better to make a clean break, and I’m going to hold myself to that standard too.
Texts can get lost, but a solid phone call will not.
This discussion is very timely since I just saw an interview with Sherry Turkle, who wrote a book about how technology is tearing us apart.
Aj 44
I text, I call. They both have a purpose IMO. Common sense would have said give him a call. The fact that she didn’t think of it says alot. especially on Christmas. What kind of relationship is this? Also, what about the full mailbox. People get to caught up in these rules. Just be natural.
Steve 45
@Annie #39
I do have a cellphone. A super old, pay as you go cell phone, that I keep in the glove compartment of my car, turned off, for when I get lost or get in an emergency. I pay $10 every 3 months.
Facebook has made private information public a number of times, without notice, without permission and without apology. When friends include me in an “event” I RSVP through the real web site for the event or by email. If they send me a private message on FB, I email them back. If they IM me on Facebook I suggest another Instant Messenger.
Aj 46
Best way to get men to chnage is by words not action. If you do not like text messages, then never respond to them.
Ahviya 47
I think she should have called. If she did not have the time they were going nor did she hear back from him then pick up the phone. Don’t complain because 16 months into a relationship you are feeling insecure about calling him.
Text messaging is for fun things, running late, want fast food. Not to use as an excuse for being lazy and refusing to telpehone a person. Honestly she should grow up.
Honey 48
Texting and email are asynchronous forms of communication. When you choose that form of communication, you are assuming that the other person may not be available to get back to you (or even read your message) right away.
If you want to make sure the other person is on the same page you are in the same moment you are, you need to choose a form of synchronous communication – a phone call, or in person conversation.
None of these forms is better or worse, but they definitely do serve different purposes.
Dean Kaplan 49
Ignored texts aren’t always a signal to move on, sometimes it’s just the former significant other going “no contact” for a while to try to get you to miss them. Sometimes it works, actually.
Sayanta 50
oh lord- that video was gold!
JoJo 51
After rereading this post, there technically wasn’t a definite plan; since the guy says he never got her response to his invitation. If he didn’t get a response, he could have texted her again or called her. Also, if she had replied back asking him what time, she would have known that he didn’t get her response and
therefore she could have attempted to text again or call to confirm. They’re both at fault. Even if there was a plan in her head, she should have called him before deciding to leave at noon that day.
Denise 52
He sounds like he may not be that into her
Andrea 53
@Denise (#52). Perhaps, but she definitely created this whole dialogue in her head over a text message too…just like the men in the video. Too funny.
Dean Kaplan 54
@ Andrea (#53)
That’s funny because I was just thinking the other day how much a non response to a text can mess with the sender’s psyche. When that happens to me sometimes, I envision the recipient reading my message saying, “Dean’s an idiot,” and going on with their day. All of that plays inside my head, without really knowing what’s going on on their side. They may even have their phone off, or could have it on silent, or their phone could even be broken, but my mind wanders, I think a little of that happened with this issue too!
Denise 55
#53
You’re right Andrea! The more I thought about it though, the more I thought she was bitchy not about the text incident, that was just the symptom. She’s not happy overall with the way the relationship is going and she’s trying to justify her irritation and why he’s a jerk
He very well could be a jerk because he’s no longer interested in dating her and he can’t/won’t break up with her, so he strings her along.
Who knows, I could be totally off base! But the fact she says they’ve been together 1.4 years gives me pause, especially with that length of time and no Christmas plans? Or maybe it was 4 months?!
I wish her luck! Maybe she’ll come back on and give us some feedback so we don’t have to sit around wondering! LOL
JoJo 56
Denise, I agree that he might not be that into her. How do you invite someone out for Christmas morning, you supossedly don’t get a response and then wait to call at 2PM on Christmas? Something just doesn’t sound right about that; especially considering the amount of time they’ve been seeing each other.
Laine 57
Mel @ 11…..why didn’t you ever text back early on i the relationship ” hey..I’m not big on texting..please call me when you can talk in realtime
”
Then dont respond to any more text messages. He will get it! If he doesn’t this is a man that isn’t able to respect your wishes.
Men arent mind readers, if you have been responding to texts from him for over a year, I guess its because he thinks you are OK with it !!
After the first text on Christmas day, you could have sent one text back saying..” sounds great..call me to lock it in !!
Keep it simple ..aarggghh !!!
JoJo 58
Hey, so we know how texts aren’t always received or get lost. Anyone have thoughts on voice mail? I left someone a Happy New Year voice mail and never heard back. Is it possible that they didn’t get it?
Joe Amoia 59
Sheila (and all u ladies who would do the same thing),
All this could have been avoided if you had asked the question: “SO, what time could I expect your call by?”. Therefore he is giving you a deadline & time to hear from him. Now if you were in the beginning of a relationship and he doesn’t call, you get to decide if you want to wait around for him and if you do it you might want to ask yourself the question “is this the way I want to be treated by a guy?
Now if you have been in a relationship with a guy for 16 months and you had plans and he didn’t call, why not, as Evan says give him a call? He could’ve tripped over a X-mas present and been knocked unconscious. If you’re still playing these types of games after 16 months you might want to consider your idea of what a “relationship is”. Don’t you think?
Karl R 60
JoJo said: (#58)
“I left someone a Happy New Year voice mail and never heard back. Is it possible that they didn’t get it?”
Of course it’s possible. More importantly, was there any reason that the voice mail required a response?
Let me explain what kind of messages require a response:
Messages that include questions (i.e. “Are you coming over for dinner?”)
Messages that explicitly request a response (i.e. “Call me.”)
“Happy New Year,” doesn’t require a response. If I get the message on January 1st, I’ll send a similar reply. If I get the message on the 6th, I probably decide that it’s a little late to reply in kind. Around the holidays, I might easily overlook a message for days.
To you it may be implicity obvious that you wanted a response. As a man, I’ll give you the #1 secret for communicating with men: make everything explicitly obvious. And be literal. If you say, “Please call me at your convenience,” I will call you at my convenience. If you say, “Call me as soon as you get this message,” I will call you as soon as I get the message. (My sister stopped saying that in her messages after I returned two calls in the middle of the night.)
Even if a message does not require a reply, I may use it as an excuse to reply. (That either means that I’m interested in you, or it means I’m bored.)
JoJo 61
Thanks Karl R for your perspective. You’re right in that I really didn’t specify to return my call. I guess a I was expecting at least a thank you or a Happy New Year to you too.
Denise 62
This is really, really good advice–and ladies, don’t use a lot of words either (which is challenging for women, so men, try to understand that!)
As a man, I’ll give you the #1 secret for communicating with men: make everything explicitly obvious. And be literal.
#61 JoJo
“I guess a I was expecting at least a thank you or a Happy New Year to you too.”
One of the things I am currently contemplating in my head is this ‘expectation’ of getting something back. As an example, if a woman wants to tell a man she loves him, it has to be from her HEART with NO expectation of him saying he loves her back. If she doesn’t do it with the right frame of heart, that she wants to share her feelings and what’s in her heart, she will be disappointed if he doesn’t return the sentiment. Then we know what will happen, she will get pissy with him, she will start to hold back and have negative energy and attitude towards him. In addition, saying something with an expectation is trying to control someone else, it subtlely invades their boundary. Obviously the words aren’t going to show that invasion, but the energy and intention behind them will–especially to the person who is sending them.
This is not an easy shift, but an important one I think is important to consider.
Christie Hartman 63
Texting is lame. It should, like Evan said, be used to convey brief messages like, “Will be there in 10″ or “Love you!” How hard is it to pick up a damned phone and call the person you’ve been dating for SIXTEEN MONTHS to try and make plans?? Texting as a form of communication is for slackers and flakes who don’t know how to have a real relationship. Like communication in a relationship isn’t difficult enough, even in person! If the OP’s boyfriend makes a habit of this, rather than this being an isolated incident, he’s a flake and she should dump him.
Sarah 64
Isn’t texting limited to something like 256 chars or even less? Real short form of communication for a long distance relationship.
Regardless of distance, for me texting is reserved for short questions or answers and certainly not to maintain a relationship. The simple fact that he has called only about 7 times in 16 months says a lot about the relationship as far as I’m concerned, a real superficial one…
sarah 65
As far as I know texting is limited to a few characters (150 or so) and consequently a very short form of communication. If he only called about 7 times during 16 months and has been using mostly texts and email (emails are better because you can say a lot and even attach pics but you loose the warmth of the voice), as far as I’m concerned it says a lot about the relationship: pretty superficial.
Personally I only use texts for short questions and answers and that’s it.
louise 66
Pure and utter bullshit and part of the acceptable double standards, plans were made to hike christmas day and he didnt even have the decency to call, dump him. P.S. that video was also bullshit, women simply dont behave that way.
Heather 67
Wow. I’m sorry, but if it had been me, I would have called and asked the time and also, if it was the holiday, I wouldn’t expect the plans to be set in stone if family was over. I wonder what happened?
Rochelle 68
If this happened with a new guy who just stared courting me, and seemed to have flaked out I wouldn’t have bothered to call him to find out if we still had plans. I would’ve made other plans to do something. But by 16 months I agree she should feel comfortable asking what was going on. And besides, it was lame of him to make the plans over a text, she shouldn’t be accepting that