Comments on: Are You A Good Partner? Probably Not.

By: morgan

morgan — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 08:43:59 +0000

Oh yessiree, so good to read this when I'm going through this exact questioning process 13 months in. I'm 47 never married/no kids, he's 58 divorced for 5 years/3 grown up kids. We've got a conversation scheduled for this weekend to discuss our "isshews". This is great food for thought. What I need to take away... The only elements that identified those who eventually divorced were negative and self-protective reactions during discussions of relationship difficulties and nonsupportive reactions in discussing a personal issue. Displays of anger, contempt, or attempts to blame or invalidate a partner augured poorly, even when the partners felt their marriage was functioning well overall, the researchers report in the Journal of Family Psychology. So did expressions of discouragement toward a partner talking about a personality feature he or she wanted to change. and.. Firmly stand up for your wants and needs in a relationship. "Most people don't have the skill to speak up for and fight for what they want in a relationship," he observes. "They don't speak up, which preserves the love but builds resentment. Resentment is a choice; living resentfully means living unhappily. Or they speak up—but are not very loving." Or they just complain. The art to speaking up, he says, is to transform a complaint into a request. Not "I don't like how you're talking to me," but "Can you please lower your voice so I can hear you better?" If you're trying to get what you want in a relationship, notes Real, it's best to keep it positive and future-focused.

By: Pineapple

Pineapple — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 02:42:59 +0000

I wasn’t disagreeing … I just don’t understand. I’m not trying to argue — just looking for posters to help me make sense of relationships in general. I simply “don’t get it.”

By: Heather

Heather — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 01:22:33 +0000

Interesting article.

I think it is a very good idea to take responsibility for our own part in a relationship, and I try very hard to remind myself of that. However I think Goldie #16 has a good point. We can’t take so much responsibility that we do it to our own detriment.

I did that in my marriage, when actually my ex husband really needed to step up and do some self examination of his own, but he just didn’t love me enough to do that. He was already emotionally involved….with himself and his addictions, plural. I am still doing that today, always apologizing if I cause my boyfriend even some slight inconvenience (or what I perceive to be an inconvenience) I am trying to teach myself that nobody can carry all the blame or responsibility in the relationship. The old saying is that “it takes two to tango” and I try to keep that in mind always. Yes, there are times when the responsibility totally lies with one person, cheating, abuse, addictions, etc. But not all the time.

By: Bill

Bill — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 18:52:35 +0000

@Raymond Bork # 19

Wow. Thank you for that – just the sort of thought I can, and will start using.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:39:33 +0000

Hey Pineapple…I missed the part where it said that happily married couples were “going through the motions without much enjoyment”. Please send me that section and I’ll consider revising my thoughts on the benefits of a good relationship.

By: znakomstva

znakomstva — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 16:39:33 +0000

I just agree that patience and love in life can create a healthy relationship in the long term. I have experienced this myself in my own life. People will have romance in their life all through if they follow path of longanimity. I read this article and it is really fasinating. I taught me how to be patient in my relationship.

By: Pineapple

Pineapple — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 15:23:35 +0000

I’ve been commenting lately wondering … what is the reason for all of this? You need to live to please your partner, who chose you because they liked (whatever), but for what end? It’s not that I disagree with the article, I just honestly don’t understand what the purpose of being married or in relationships is if your only purpose is to go through the motions without much enjoyment? I guess to run a stable “business” of raising children?

By: Goldie

Goldie — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:57:54 +0000

@ Teresa, exactly! Hardest decision I ever made. But worth it, long term.

Many of our family friends were shocked when I moved out, because we had been pretty good at keeping up appearances Maybe that’s why people assume that other couples divorce on a whim — because they don’t know what really goes on behind closed doors.

By: Teresa

Teresa — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:30:06 +0000

This article assumes that both individuals in the relationship/marriage have no excessive baggage and are mentally healthly. I read many articles and books with similar advice when I was trying to save my marriage. In my case my ex h had numerous personal issues that precluded any chance of our having a healthy relationship. We were living separate lives he was more than happy to continue that way indefinitely but I wanted more so I chose to end the marriage.
People seem to think that you just wake up one day and say I am not happy I think I will get a divorce NOT! My divorce was the most excruciatingly painful event of my life bar none. But staying in a marriage of convenience would have been even more painful in the long run.
That’s why it’s best to take as much time as possible before getting married.

By: Raymond Bork

Raymond Bork — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:16:47 +0000

How about rolling over in bed, looking at your partner and thinking,”Am I a disappointment, what can I do to to make living with me an experience that makes you happy”?