Comments on: Are You A Pleasure Seeker Or A Pain Avoider?

By: Tish

Tish — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 17:19:26 +0000

Karl R -
#3

I absolutely agree with your entire post. I was in a relationship that was very painful and emotionally and mentally draining. I kept hoping that things would work out for the best because of “feelings”. He cheated, I walked. He begged me to come back, but continued pursuing other women. I stopped having sex with him after the 1st time he cheated and didn’t have sex with him for well over a year (and still haven’t). I kept trying to distance myself so that I could get over the pain. He kept invading my space and I kept allowing him in. I’m finally coming full circle with acceptance and I’m trying to heal in order to open my heart to new relationships. I know now that in the future, as you said, I WILL leave after the FIRST infidelity.

By: hunter

hunter — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 05:07:51 +0000

Goldie, I have heard therapists say, “if you can’t hurt other people, you are going to hurt yourself”.

By: Diana

Diana — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 01:26:00 +0000

To answer Bryony’s question, “No. You shouldn’t force yourself into a relationship.” This would be a recipe for disaster because you’re simply not ready. It would also not be fair to the other party.

Part of the reason for your not being ready is that you seem to be placing an inordinate amount of pressure on yourself to forcefully feel some kind of relationship commitment based on a flawed expectation. Dating should feel like that Cover Girl commercial: “easy, breezy.” Fun and simple, especially at 18.

Let life and your feelings and not your mind lead the way. Rather than trying so hard to think ahead to the finish line with your current interest, and see into your non-existent crystal ball of what your future holds regarding commitment, go with the flow. If you can meet for a second date, then go and have another good time; nothing more. Stop the insanity of over analyzing the situation. If he wants to have sex and you’re not feeling ready, then let him know how you feel. If he truly likes you and respects you, he’ll wait. And if not with this guy, then with another.

The counseling will hopefully help you to understand and discover that while letting your guard down opens you up to the possibility of being hurt, you will heal and live to love again. And remember, you are not your mother. Just because she chose for whatever reason(s) to continually subject herself to what sounds like unending grief and abuse doesn’t mean you have to. A-l-w-a-y-s love yourself more, and never tolerate an abusive man. You may be surprised by just how strong you really are.

By: Denise

Denise — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 20:24:40 +0000

I agree with Ruby as well, maybe she’s just not ready! She’s putting a lot of pressure on herself.

By: Selena

Selena — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 20:19:46 +0000

Bingo Ruby.

By: Ruby

Ruby — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 07:14:31 +0000

What is strange about an 18 year old not being ready for a relationship or hesitating about sex? I’m guessing she’ll be ready soon enough. So what if it takes her a few months or a couple of years to get there?

By: Denise

Denise — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 18:42:31 +0000

Thanks for the convo from South Park …funny enough, Butters is right (I cannot believe I am saying this, LOL). How can we recognize the good times from the bad if we’ve never experienced bad?

It’s like if we were on ‘vacation’ all the time, would we appreciate it? or would we have to work to know to the value of vacation?

By: Karl R

Karl R — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 18:25:46 +0000

Goldie said: (#6) "I had this thought… if getting hurt isn’t all bad for me, it won’t be all bad for those guys too." That's a very good point. Let me take it one step further. You're not in charge of deciding whether he can take the risk of getting hurt. As an adult, you have the right to decide whether you join the military, ride a motorcycle, go skydiving, or dozens of activities where you may get hurt. Even if you have no interest in doing those things, how would you feel if I decided to intervene and prevent you from taking that risk? You'd probably think I was sexist. Finally, I've had at least three ex-girlfriends who were still worried about how much I'd gotten hurt months after my pain had faded. You may be overestimating the amount of pain the other person is going to experience.

By: Goldie

Goldie — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 16:02:03 +0000

You know, Karl #3, this is a really awesome way to look at things! Getting hurt is a part of life, period. It’s not all bad… it makes you a wiser and better person. I’m kind of only now starting to realize this myself. I may have to get back out on the dating market very soon and I’ve been feeling pretty awful about this – not because I don’t want to get hurt – that part, I’m fine with – but because I know I’m going to hurt other people in the process. Since I can only end up with one man, at most, this means I’m going to hurt everybody else I’ll date, because they will need to be rejected. It just killed me to even think of that. Well after reading Karl’s post, I had this thought… if getting hurt isn’t all bad for me, it won’t be all bad for those guys too. They need life experiences as much as I do.

I write as a hobby, and I’ve got to tell you, whenever something bad happens to or around me (short of a major tragedy, or my kids getting hurt), I feel terrible, but at the same time there’s always this little voice telling me: hey, this is good writing material!

I like the way this was worded in South Park, in their Raisins episode, when Butters is heartbroken after a girl leaves him, and the goth kids ask him to join them. He says no…

“Butters: Uh, uhm no thanks. I I love life.
Stan: Huh? But you just got dumped
Butters: Wuh-ell yeah, and I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that somethin’ could make me feel that sad. It’s like, ih ih, ih it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin’ really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I’m feelin’ is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid…”

I really like what he’s saying in here

By: VC

VC — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 14:18:18 +0000

This is amazing. I felt the exact same way you did when I was your age. I am 44 now and still, feel the same. But, I realized like Evan said, that I was closing myself off. So, I dated a man a little, found myself falling for him. I got hurt, for the first time in my life (romantically hurt) and I thought it would kill me (this has been in the past 6 months). But, I am still alive and moving on. I am actually proud of myself, proud of the fact that I stepped out of my shell and from behind the walls I usually use to protect me from my fear of getting hurt. Now I know the potential I have to love and be loved, even though I didn’t get it from this relationship. Please, do your self a favor…DON”T LET FEAR CONTROL YOUR LIFE. You will regret it terribly when you get older!!!