Comments on: Are You Pressing Fast-Forward On Your Love Life?

By: susan

susan — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 21:19:13 +0000

Three weeks later she had a boyfriend. If you just click with someone you get exclusive pretty early.
Hmmm so actually it probably doesn’t matter how each of us act. Twitchy, needy, aloof – the reality is that if two people like each other it’s gonna happen. ie if someone is really into you, you can’t really do anything wrong?

The other conclusions i draw from this
- just becuase he says he doesn’t want a relationship doesn’t mean its true
- just becuase she says she does doesn’t mean its WITH YOU
- probably doesn’t matter where you have sex either (ie timing not location) …becuase if you’re into each other it’s going to work out anyway
- sometimes I don’t want a relationship means ”i don’t want a relationship WITH YOU
- much as we can admire a car/house/piece of jewellery and think its amazing, it doesn’t mean we want to buy it. similarly we can think someone is AMAZING, fabulous etc but that doesn’t mean we want a relationship with them.

pretty simple really.

By: Susan61

Susan61 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 16:00:58 +0000

Thanks for the pep talk, Michelle, that is helpful. This failed relationship definitely tested my confidence and it certainly doesn’t help that I see this man for work on a semi-frequent basis. The longest period apart was 5 weeks, not long enough. If that were not the case, I am quite sure I would not be posting about him – he would be a memory of “oh yeah, that guy I dated”. I guess I consider him commitment material because he was married and that relationship lasted something like 8 years. I did make mistakes but don’t we all. It does come down to “he was just not that into me” which is painful but someday this will all be that bittersweet memory.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:48:43 +0000

Susan61, I can’t agree with you more that you don’t ask a man about HIS attitude, what he wants and ESPECIALLY where is this going. Actually what I’m saying is the exact opposite. That as women, we have to clearly know what we want (i.e. committed relationship vs. just dating around) and then be confident enough to express that and NOT accept anything less. These are sometimes not easy things to do when we are caught up in the chemistry. I’m not saying to be a bitch or anything, I’m saying to be confident in the woman you are, what you have to offer, what you deserve and what you want. This has to come from inside.

In your original post you said ‘you assumed he felt the same way’, and then he kept calling you a ‘friend’ and you asked him if that’s all you were, and then the colleague saying he would have ‘dumped’ you anyway (other people tend to see things we can’t see for ourselves).

Not sure why you’re saying he’s commitment material based on the colleagues’ comment that he dumps everyone while he waits for the supermodel girlfriend (dreaming?). Just being out of a relationship also is a red flag…beware.

It sounds to me like you are still blaming yourself when really, you went on good faith (and not a lot of experience, and I’ll tell you, we’ve all been there, if we didn’t go through these things, how would we learn?) and sounds like he wasn’t being very honest and upfront (not great character) and wasn’t that great of a catch.

Let me tell you this, when there’s a man who is of good maturity and character, who is relationship ready, and is really into you, there’s very little you could say or do to drive him away. In addition, when you’re with a man like there, you are not ‘hopefully’ anything, he does everything he needs to do to make you feel included in his life and how he feels about you, no wondering. It really isn’t as fragile as you were indicating, UNLESS he’s not really into you. Believe me, I understand how you feel, just trying to give you a different perspective.

One final thing, the thing with dating is thing can change pretty suddenly. Very disappointing, and it’s common.

By: Susan61

Susan61 — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:30:07 +0000

Michelle, I think he is commitment material but not with me, or maybe he was burned by his divorce. He does dream of a much younger woman (I know from his online dating ads). I do think things were too intense too quickly and I deeply regret that. I know from my own experience that if a guy comes on too strong it can be a turn off. When we first met in “real life” there was instant attraction which developed over a period of months – which to me is the best way to meet someone, rather than online – but he was just out of a relationship as well. I did know what I wanted but I was so happy to be with him and the intense feelings just convinced me “this was it!”. NOT.

I think it is a relationship killer to ask a man from the beginning “what do you want, where is this going, where do I stand”. We did discuss that we were exclusive – only dating each other – after we became intimate. So I was hopefully optimistic and then when he asked me to join him on his vacation a month in advance of his departure, I felt buoyed – he was making future plans, we were on the right track. Shortly before the vacation, he broke up with me. *sigh*.

It is comforting to think that I dodged a bullet and after three years, I have finally stopped blaming myself (well, almost).

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 21:17:36 +0000

Susan61, sorry about the tough lesson, I think we have ALL had them. I think the ‘one false move’ thing actually is not accurate. This guy was not commitment material, he wanted a sexual relationship (he had sexual attraction) and that’s what he got.. I think the ‘mistake’ here was not knowing exactly what you wanted (you probably didn’t know) and communicating that right from the beginning–without asking ANYTHING from him. He would either be in or out.

Sounds like this was a GREAT learning experience in multiple ways. It also sounds like you dodged a big bullet here, he doesn’t sound like a mature, relationship ready man–which you may be looking for.

By: Susan61

Susan61 — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 19:04:08 +0000

The last relationship I had occurred just as I was exiting a 4.5 year relationship. I was head over heels for the new guy and to make matters worse, we worked together part time (not in an office setting). Since I had not dated in almost 6 years, I was “rusty” and just assumed he felt the same way (he certainly seemed to really dig me in the beginning). He told our mutual colleague after breaking up with me that I wanted “way too much way too soon” because he kept calling me a “friend” and I asked him if that was all we were, after a couple of months (we had become intimate at that point). In retrospect I wish I had just kept my mouth shut, had been less available and did not pursue him (which regrettably, in a way, I did). One of the bigger mistakes of my life and I was 46, he was 48. Our mutual colleague tells me that he would have dumped me anyway, he dumps most everyone as he awaits his 15 years younger supermodel girlfriend to materialize but it still was a huge and very painful lesson to learn, again.

It’s a very tenuous game we play, this dating thing. One false move and attraction can be killed, it’s that simple.

By: Laine

Laine — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 18:28:16 +0000

Hes 50. Divorced 4 years. I felt it was strange that he didnt have any pics of us together on Facebook. When he posted pics of a trip we went on together, it looked like he had gone on the trip alone. When I asked about this, he said he had ex girlfriends and an ex wife on his friends list and was mindful of hurting their feelings.

Seems my feeelings weren’t a priority.

I caught him out on a lie very early on. It wasnt an important issue, so I let it go.

He was cheap,always insisting 50/50 for everything. A family member of mine offered us the use of her apartment on Sydney harbour. We had the place to ourselves for a week and he never even paid for my coffee let alone a meal.

His main communication during the week was via text, only telephoning once to talk in person. We saw each other from Fri night through to Monday morning, so I didnt feel this was an issue.

By: morgan

morgan — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 09:46:24 +0000

Laine @ 12

You’ve lived my worst nightmare. So sorry you’ve had to go through that. It must shake your faith. I hope you’re okay.

Can I ask how old the beastard is? In retrospect, were there any clues you didn’t pick up on? What was his relationship history? Not querying your situation specifically, more interested generally how we can miss this stuff.

m
x

By: Laine

Laine — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 07:29:36 +0000

Phoenix-I actually don’t look at this as a negative. It was a very interesting learning experience. I learned a lot more about myself and how I contribute my own energy in attracting a guy with certain qualities that dont in the end serve me well. I dumped him, put my profile back up and am looking forward to the next chapter. All is well in my world. Thanks for your comment.

By: sthrnphoenix

sthrnphoenix — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 14:15:01 +0000

@ Laine: I’m sorry for you. Unfortunately, there are some people in the world that don’t look on things the same as the rest of us. It sounds like you met one those that lack decency. Don’t let it stop you; someone right will come along if you keep working on it.