Are You Single Because of Where You Live?
After eight years in D.C., author Amanda Hess decided to move to Los Angeles in hopes of finding a better dating scene. She was under the impression that Los Angeles is one of America’s “Best Cities for Singles.”
“But between dark basement beers during my last month in Washington,” she writes, “my friends presented me a phantasmagoria of single life in L.A.: It looked like skeletal Asian models pair-bonding with balding producers over low-calorie cocktails.”
Guess what? Dating is hard in every city.
Regarding New York:
One New Yorker told me that “subway distances can make things grueling,” meaning that budding romances easily die on a stalled L train. (How much subway time are you willing to invest in one date?)
And Los Angeles:
If New York is too big, Los Angeles is too wide. Not everyone is inclined to navigate three freeways for the chance to get laid, stone sober. And Los Angeles lacks an urban center where young, single people congregate—they live everywhere.
And D.C.:
In New York or Los Angeles, the high proportion of singles can feel overwhelming. In D.C., it’s intimate – these people bump into each other on the metro, caffeinate at the same cafes, and unwind at the same bars, week in and week out.
Turns out, Los Angeles is not for lovers. No more than any other place, that is.
I receive thousands of emails a year from women all over the world, and they all seem to agree on one thing: dating is hard. It’s hard in NY. It’s hard in DC. And LA. And London. In Chicago, Charlotte, Des Moines, Boise, and Seattle. It’s hard everywhere.
Read the article here. Are you blaming your town for your dating troubles?
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58 Comments »Filed Under Dating
Dizzyluv25 1
Evan….
I live in DC and I agree with this line from the article “One friend in D.C. told me that the scene can be so claustrophobic that dating online means weeding through a selection of coworkers, friends, and friends’ exes.” The network in DC is so small it can feel incestuous at times. I always joke when you break up with someone in DC, it better me amicable, b/c you will see your ex again.
Heather 2
@ Dizzyluv,
That is very, very true. I have been through that, as another DC-area resident. As a matter of fact, I have run into a number of guys I had a first date with, went out for awhile, etc. on a few occasions. A few times, it was just brief, seeing them in the same bar, or in one case, an ex boyfriend who was in the end, a mama’s boy and coward, nearly ran me down in the grocery store with his cart. Turns out we only live a couple of miles from each other.
And then you see them on Match or whatever site and it’s like, oh it’s you again. Jeez.
This area is a very small world indeed!
Goldie 3
Your dating life does, to a point, depend on where you live. I’ve been able to make do with what I’ve got pretty well, but I heard horror stories from some of the men I met online. Apparently, small college towns in the middle of nowhere are the worst. The dating pool is tiny, gossip spreads fast, and the nearest location with decent available candidates is 90 miles away, unless you want to try your luck at the nearby farms. Most of these guys cannot move, because they have tenure and/or exes with tenure (that they share custody of their children with) in this town. I once had a guy drive six hours one way for a date with me — apparently he does this on a regular basis.
I’ve heard scary things about LA as well, but it being a big city, I’d imagine there has to be a layer of geeks, which is where I would look if I were dating in that city.
@ Dizzyluv25: it’s not just DC…
Heather 4
@ Goldie,
Yes, you are right that your dating life can depend somewhat, on your area. I do see EMK’s point, and it’s valid, but at the same time, like I’ve said in earlier posts, I’ve come to realize that where I live (DC area) is full of very alpha-male types (hello, Capitol Hill’s in my backyard practically), very used to having what they want, when they want it. And that’s fine if other women want to date that type. For me, that type doesn’t work. Been there, tried that, married to that. No. Way. Also, this is a transient area, a lot of people coming here for temporary assignments, training, etc. And that was not an option for me either, I didn’t really want a long distance relationship, and oftentimes folks coming on temporary assignments, were already married/attached and looking for some “tail on the side” so to speak.
I’ve had to learn a few things. One is that I have to keep in mind where I’m living has alot of types that I don’t mesh with in relationships, very well, and so my pool will be very different and more narrow. Secondly, as my very wise Mom once advised me, “If you’re fishing in one pond and just bringing up fish you have to throw back, you might want to look at fishing in another pond.” Point being, yes, this area is tough for dating. But that doesn’t let me off the hook to find a solution to my issue. I knew I had several. One was to take a break for awhile, since I was getting frustrated and annoyed. Another was to try my luck in another city and since I was toying with relocating to Philly before my Mom was diagnosed with advanced cancer, it made sense to start looking.
At this point it’s a moot issue now that I have someone, but I can relate to my female and male friends and colleagues who bemoan the difficulties of DC dating.
Henriette 5
I agree with Evan – dating ANYWHERE can be tough, although often for different reasons. I dated non-stop when living in one city but few of those guys seemed to want permanent relationships and those who did were super-type-A jerks. In another city, no one gave me a second glance. Where I’m living now: most people married in their mid-20s and folks don’t like to strike up conversations with strangers and seem uncomfortable straying from their insular little social groups.
I remember in my late 20s, there seemed to be an ongoing conversation with all my girlfriends in various cities & towns across the continent that consisted of nothing more than, “Is it any better where you live?” We all agreed that dating was terribly difficult, no matter where we lived. And yet, most of those girlfriends are married today, about 15 years later, so clearly most were able to connect with at least one decent, interested, interesting man. What this taught me is that you don’t need a pool of great candidates; you simply need one.
SS 6
Goldie, I married a professor… who drove four hours one way for a date, and we proceeded to drive back and forth until I moved to be with him. I moved, of course, because he has tenure. We don’t even live in the middle of nowhere, but his school is in a rust belt town where educated and creative types generally leave.
The bright side of all this, however, was that I found someone eager and willing to put more effort into dating versus those in my larger town (where I lied before) who would only date someone within a 30-minute drive or the same county or come up with some other reason to rule people out. In a way, the lack of options available to him made him treasure the good options more — he didn’t have the attitude of always looking for someone better.
I highly recommend dating professors!
Mia 7
I think dating is way better in my new Midwestern medium sized city than it was for me on the east coast. People in general are friendlier here, so making more friends means more dates. We’re not such a huge fast paced city like NYC that people think they have a gazillion options. The one challenge I find with Midwestern guys is sometimes they seem so nice and gentlemanly that I confuse that for actual interest. Guys really are similar in most places, but in a friendlier city you can expand your social circle and meet better guys that way. And while i know undesirable people who found love in dc and NYC easily – still, I’d hate to have to try there, because I do think there’s a difference in uber competitive cities.
Fiona 8
I agree. Dating everywhere is a nightmare. However, I would say I found it even worse in Switzerland than the UK because being in a country where most people have a different mother tongue and culture and does in my view make it more difficult than in your home country. Beyond that, I would say each UK city is as bad as the next one and I assume it is the same on the other side of the pond.
Leo 9
@Henriette,
“And yet, most of those girlfriends are married today, about 15 years later, so clearly most were able to connect with at least one decent, interested, interesting man. What this taught me is that you don’t need a pool of great candidates; you simply need one.”
Great point Henriette. It sounds too simplistic but with so many choices we have, it’s the best reminder.
And I wouldn’t say that dating is difficult everywhere.
It takes a lot of discipline for sure. But difficult?
Compare that to the kids who get straight As in school.
They didn’t think school was difficult.
They have average IQs.
They did their homework.
They studied hard.
They worked together.
And they got their As.
Was it a lot of work and studying?
Sure…but difficult?
Probably not.
Now, do you have to know how to date so you don’t make it too hard on yourself?
Do you have to know the difference between “settling down” and “settling?”
For sure.
Lilly 10
@6
Some professors are cheaters! So….I think it depends on the professor? I’m a college student and get hit on by a lot of professors. I mean…most of my male professors have made a move on me and most are married and well over 35 years old.
I say, date guys with integrity! =)
Barentt 11
That is very true…
My advice would be to not seek the ‘ideal location’ to find a suitable partner, but to play your cards wisely and decide what type of a partner can actually best fit your needs.
Once you have a reasonable profile of your ideal mate you could start your search, and possibly find that ideal guy or gal, in whatever city or country you may live.
helene 12
I think perhaps whether dating seems easy or difficult in a certain location depends on how in tune you yourself are with the prevailing attitudes and lifestyle in the place you’re living. I would have thought in that respect that most big cities would be advantageous, as there are generally several different “subcultures ” going on, wheras in a small towm, life tends to be more homogenious and so if its not your thing, there aren’t many options. Maybe if we feel that we are not meeting the kind of men we want in our city, that’s a sign that WE are actually living in the wrong place??! You know, in the past people used to generally marry someone from the same VILLAGE – might seem like not a lot of choice but if you liked your village and the way of life there, chances are the guys around would be pretty well suited to you….
Nicole 13
I mean, having a good attitude is important, but demographics really do matter. I’m a minority and the willingness of people to date people from my group definitely varies a lot depending on where you are. So I can be as nice as possible, but I don’t see many men picking ladies who are my color where I currently live, and a lot of people say “absolutely not” in their racial preferences(added to the fact that you do see the same people on all of the sites, which does at least let you know who not to bother contacting). So that isn’t an imagined state and mindset doesn’t change it.
And in a place where there are more people from your group, I think things are better b/c even people who aren’t your race are more “used” to seeing you and realizing that you are a normal human. So the choices are leave or find someone who is willing to at least start something from a very long distance.
Leo 14
@Nicole
“added to the fact that you do see the same people on all of the sites, which does at least let you know who not to bother contacting”
Just curious,…why not?
Catherine 15
Unless you live in a hick country town with a population of 50 , I don’t think location is the issue. People need to look long and hard at themselves and consider whether they are marketing themselves effectively. Ladies , it is all about how you look, at first. Make sure your dress in a sexy but not slutty manner, wear makeup, paint our nails etc. People say be yourself, no think about what the majority of guys want you to be .
Nicole 16
@Leo,
If I see your profile on one site and you say “no blacks” then I’m not going to try to contact you on another site. You don’t like black people for dating and it’s just that not all sites give you the option of making that public. How is that complicated?
@Catherine, your point doesn’t refute mine since mine has to do with people rejecting people of my race, and that also includes men who are the same race as me. So that is a real thing that people have a way of overlooking when it doesn’t pertain to them. So unless I market myself in “whiteface” and a blonde wig, that much isn’t changing. I don’t really care that they do, but the rate at which they do does vary from region to region.
SS 17
@14… Nicole can answer to clarify, but as a minority, I think I know what she means. If you see a guy on one site and he’s made it clear that he’s not open to women of my racial background, then you see the same guy on another site, you already know his stated preference so you don’t bother to contact him. It gets frustrating when the same guys are on every site in general, but particularly when you know that they already excluded you from the beginning.
@10 Yeah, some men in every profession are cheaters. Don’t see what your experience has to do my statement about a single, unmarried professor in a small town potentially being willing to make more of an effort to date.
Mia 18
Nicole, I kind of get what you are saying. I am half white and half South Asian and most people think I look Filipino or Spanish – luckily, I am thin and have cacausian features and hair, but just happen to be brown, so I have had an easy time at least physically appealing to men of all races. I think non-white women are at a slight disadvantage in online dating – which favors white people, sorry – but in real life in a major metro it’s not a big issue. Based on my experience, I feel that nearly 100 percent of the (white) men I’m interested in at least, at a minimum, find me physically attractive when they meet me. And I’ve experienced this not only on the more diverse East Coast, but in the Midwest, and even with white guys who grew up in the middle of nowhere in, say, Idaho or Montana. I try to be understanding when someone on match says they only want white women, or some race that I”m not, because I think I’m an exception to what they expect, being Christian, totally Americanized, and having really white facial features.
Another thing to consider: luckily, men are NOT as racist as women. Yeah, some guys want only a white girl – or they THINK they do – but if they meet an attractive non-white compatible girl, they’re cool with it. One of my best guy friends is as white as a ghost and usually only dates white girls, but recently decided to get in a relationship with a dark black girl because she was cool. (They met at a bar.)
That said, you will have more success depending on where you live. My sister was pursued by gorgeous white guys when she lived in South Africa, and in Atlanta, which is really white, she gets NOTHING. I was pursued by gorgeous men way more when I lived in Asia, and know I’d get way more attention in Europe or elsewhere in abroad, but it is what it is.
Finally, being biracial, I’ve found non-white men WAY more racist toward me and wanting someone of their own “culture” than white guys, so I stick to white guys. If you want a white guy into non-white girls, go to California … I don’t think it’s a coincidence that out here in a Midwestern city, one of the few very attractive (Jewish) men who expressed an interest in me over a few dates grew up in the Bay rea.
Jennifer 19
Yes, I have no doubt that dating is hard everywhere. However, all cities have their own personalities, and if you are outside of that personality, your dating pool is much smaller than someone else who fits the town’s profile.
I currently live in an isolated, one-horse town town in the Southwest of approximately 25K people. This quirky town is chock-a-block full of super-smart Phd scientists, more than half of which are married. Not to knock Phd scientists, I have many good friends that fit the description. But social skills are not high on their priority lists. So, if you don’t quite understand the geek humor (or understand it, but don’t find it funny), you like people who look you in the eye when they are speaking to you, and you appreciate not having to make the first move all the time, you will be unhappy in the dating scene here.
However, when I visit my family in a large metro area one state over, I go to one party, have easy conversation with a dozen people, and leave with 3 men asking to see me tomorrow. So, yes. I firmly believe that I am single because of where I live. And I have had that confirmed to me time and time again.
Jennifer 20
@ Catherine: “People say be yourself, no think about what the majority of guys want you to be .”
I could not disagree with you more. Looking good is one thing. But “marketing yourself” as something that others want you to be but is against who you are is fraudulent and ultimately leads to disappointment and heart break. “Be your best self” is more like it. The guys who want what your offering will appreciate the honesty.
Nicole 21
@Mia, I don’t want a white guy. I mean, it’s not a goal like, oh, I wish the white men would talk to me. I am open and don’t claim to dislike any race, b/c I really don’t, and who know who I might meet that could be compatible In perfect world, it might be easier to find someone of the same background and have a family that looks like the one I grew up in, but not always an option.
It’s also really weird to live someplace where even the men of your race don’t want women of the same race, so there is no really good reason for that. There is a reason, and I’m not going to discuss it. It’s just not a good explanation.
And California is not a racial utopia nor are the people are open-minded as a lot of people would like to think. It’s a big fallacy that people in California are all liberal, esp. when it comes to interracial dating. There is definitely a hierarchy and not all non-white women are treated equally. Ever. I get treated a LOT better and get attention from some white men in other parts of the country, including in the South where I was raised. Clearly not everywhere, but yeah, since people state the preferences online and I experience how I’m treated, it’s a big difference. Again, it’s the fact that you can’t really live in someone else’s shoes, so what you THINK might be their reality isn’t, or assume that the reason is something it isn’t (like how I or other black women look…I mean, you could just look for a fair-skinned black woman). The funny thing is that some men who apparently don’t like black women ever will still message you. Um, nope.
Black women look a lot of different ways and have lots of different hair types, body types, and features, so it says a LOT about how a man thinks if he says “no black chicks” instead of just judging by how your look. A lot of people mistakenly think we all look the same unless we are biracial but that is very untrue.
However, I really wouldn’t want to be with a man who thought I was some special black snowflake and whether you meet those people online or in real life, they’ll usually drop some casually or blatantly racist comment that lets you know where you stand. I’m open-minded about a lot, but I hate bigots and I’m not a fan of people who believe in stereotypes, b/c they are all problematic.
See, I have no desire to live in Atlanta, but I’ve been there enough to know I get more attention there. Or in DC, or in Chicago. These are the demographic things that kind of can make one person’s paradise another person’s purgatory.
Yeah, if you are Asian, I’m totally not surprised that the guy from the Bay Area is interested.
@SS, no you got it right. I think it’s one of those things that is hard for people to understand because they just will never live it. Like people will claim that where I live is so diverse but don’t notice that hey, black people are missing. It’s like they can’t see or don’t care b/c they are invited to the party. So they just assume everyone is.
The post is right, it can be hard, and how you approach it matters, but there are elements that people can’t get b/c they can’t really experience what it is like to be a visible minority. It is hilarious how much credit people are given for being super progressive just b/c of what they eat or how they vote. From my experience so far, there is pretty much no correlation.
But navigating race and relationships can be hard, and the challenges presented are not something that are easy to understand by people who don’t share your background.
Mia 22
Nicole – so you say it’s weird when men of your own race don’t want women of your race? I agree and have experienced the same – hence why not going for white guys would be very limiting in a mostly white country. Also, I acknowledge that unfortunately, if you’re not white you often have to look super-hot to have the same effect as some ordinary-looking white chick in many parts of the country. I think being part Asian is not a giant problem. But if black, which is less popular, then yeah, it would make sense to be in a huge, diverse metro area. And again, online dating does not tilt in favor of non-white girls and should not be heavily relied on unless you’re in a very diverse metro area.
Oddly, I’ve noticed that the men who go for me the most consistently over the years (at least in a superficial way) are confident, attractive white guys – Asian guys rarely, rarely, ever do. Literally, my heart was smashed to bits the most by a South Asian immigrant, and I’ve gone out with or messaged Asian guys who never responded or askd for a second date, but attractive white men are more into the exotic non-white thing (average looking or unattractive white men are, egh, still hung up on the generic blonde chick ideal because such men have less options, while more attractive white men already went through the blonde phase and are onto something different and unique). So that’s my target audience. And maybe that would be a good bet for you as well, but it helps to be in a diverse area where non-white women are seen so commonly that many men are used to noticing them and finding them attractive.
Leo 23
@Nicole,
Thanks for clarifying. I just didn’t understand the wording in your first post.
I get that it frustrates you when even the black guys put down in their profile “no blacks.”
How can your own people … reject you like that??? Makes you feel like this whole dating thing is twisted doesn’t it.
I used to get the same feeling when I saw Asian girls put down “no Asians” in their profile…and all the white girls put down “white only.”
No one wanted to be with Asian guys?! That was a rude awakening…but it was pretty damn funny too (yes, I’m Asian).
Of course that’s a HUGE generalization. There are still plenty of women of all colors who do like dating Asian guys. Just like there are still plenty of guys who like dating black women.
People can put down “no whites/blacks/asians/mexicans” all they want…
But we know that the live interaction is where the magic happens.
Nicole, you seem like an intelligent and kind woman and I really mean it.
You seem perfectly capable of making your future man the happiest guy in the world…
But do you believe you’re actually capable of it?
Do you feel it right now?
If you do, none of this “racial preferences” will even matter to you anymore.
Because you’ll know that whoever you choose in the end is the luckiest bastard in the world.
Fiona 24
Mia, I don’t know why so many Americans get the idea that Europe is some kind of dating utopia. It isn’t. Europe is not a country. It is a mix of cultures and languages and people generally do better in their home country where there is a common cultural reference point. That’s not to say that you can’t find someone from another country but it is going to be harder.
Paragon 25
Don’t metropolitan areas tend to have a higher ratio of women to men?
But, yeah, location can make a definite difference.
Angie 26
I take the 10 to the 405 to the 101 to the 134 to see my boyfriend. On a good day this takes 20-30 min, on a bad day an hour and a half. I wish we lived closer, but that’s dating in LA!
I do, in some regards, think it’s easier to get a date in LA than in other cities, because people are more relaxed and wanting to go out. Also, since people come and go, most people I met are from somewhere else. I’m 30, but I’ve met some grad students at UCLA and guys that work for tech companies, so the idea that all Angelenos are producers is silly to me, although maybe this is so for single guys in their late 40s+.
Every town may have its issues, but they also all have their advantages. In LA, you can go on a cheap but fun date to the beach or hiking. I also think because of the weather, there are more opportunities to be out meeting people here, and no one is hiding in their apartment for 4 months of the year due to blizzards. Driving across town in sunshine is much different than subwaying across boroughs in a foot of snow!
Nicole 27
@Mia,
Yeah, I agree with you, especially on the degree to which white women get put on a pedestal by men of other races. If a white woman is having a hard time getting white men, she can definitely got from a 5 to a 9 by dating non-white men.
Also, I hope my other comment didn’t across as too short, since I only meant that I didn’t want to hijack the thread with discussions of race and dating. But I do think it’s a special case that is worth mentioning, and it’s something that positive thinking can’t erase. I mean, living as a non-white person, it’s hard to have blinders on about race, but perhaps attempting to use online dating has kind of revealed a lot of things that I admit to struggling to keep out of evaluating people in real life. I mean, I think it’s interesting that people wouldn’t just not answer black women rather than saying “no black women” and I really don’t know what is going through their heads when they have the “no black women” but still try to message you. I don’t think any self-respecting black woman would respond to that. How do they really think that is coming across? As I said, I’ve seen attractive men of all races, so I wouldn’t say “no X” b/c I can always just weed out people who contact me (but don’t do that based on race).
I just don’t think it’s a good idea to FOCUS on white men b/c it becomes the same thing that some of them do in reverse. And they certainly aren’t the answers to everyone’s dating struggles, b/c at the end of the day, they are just men to, with the same flaws and also b/c some have some upsetting ideas about race (stereotypes, bigotry, etc.).
I think that statistically, Asian women and Black men are most likely to not date people of their own race, so it’s interesting to hear that other women see the same thing, but maybe not surprising since we live in a culture that lauds white skin more than anything else (and yet people express surprise when they hear about skin bleaching).
@Leo, thank you for the kind words. I’m pretty logical and realistic, so what it is is what it is. I do admit that seeing how prevalent it is and how comfortable people are saying it does make me a bit more wary of people. But I also know that people show who they are pretty quickly so anyone who has funny ideas about race will reveal it pretty quickly. Like you said, it’s kind of shock to see it on screen and other black women I know in the area said they were surprised to see it too, and just that it occurred more here than in some other parts of the country. I don’t feel that way everywhere, just where I currently live.
It’s kind of funny though…most people kind of want the same thing but we put each through a lot of trials to get it.
It is true that we place a lot of constraints on ourselves and other people online that we wouldn’t necessarily impose when we can see people in
3-D, probably b/c we have the illusion of choice and think we can “order up” the perfect mate, something that we don’t expect in real life.
JD 28
I find dating in America difficult in general. I studied in Europe where the guys are much more forward and their attitude is that they will ask you out on the chance that you will say yes. But in America I find a lot of guys flirt with me but seem too afraid of rejection to get to the part where they ask you out – their mindset seems to be that they won’t ask you on the date on the chance that you will say no. It’s a tricky balancing act – be interested enough that they feel secure in asking you out but not so interested that they back off. Sigh.
Paragon 29
@ Nicole
” And in a place where there are more people from your group, I think things are better b/c even people who aren’t your race are more “used” to seeing you and realizing that you are a normal human. So the choices are leave or find someone who is willing to at least start something from a very long distance.”
I get the sense that you are ignoring your second option, or underestimating the lengths to which a man will go in finding a mate.
“In perfect world, it might be easier to find someone of the same background and have a family that looks like the one I grew up in, but not always an option.
It’s also really weird to live someplace where even the men of your race don’t want women of the same race, so there is no really good reason for that. There is a reason, and I’m not going to discuss it. It’s just not a good explanation.”
Did it ever occur to you, that the reason why minority-group men appear to favor white women is because males are the initiating sex, and in integrated settings, they are more likely to interact with white women than with female members of their own group?
“I mean, I think it’s interesting that people wouldn’t just not answer black women rather than saying “no black women” and I really don’t know what is going through their heads when they have the “no black women” but still try to message you.”
Why don’t you ask one next time(I am curious myself, but I suspect that there is something in your profile that has challenged their preconceptions).
“ I don’t think any self-respecting black woman would respond to that. ”
How about an inquisitive one?
” I think that statistically, Asian women and Black men are most likely to not date people of their own race, so it’s interesting to hear that other women see the same thing, but maybe not surprising since we live in a culture that lauds white skin more than anything else (and yet people express surprise when they hear about skin bleaching). ”
There are men specifically attracted to black women(turn your ‘disadvantage’ into an advantage), so why waste energy on those who are *explicitly* not?
@ JD
“ It’s a tricky balancing act – be interested enough that they feel secure in asking you out but not so interested that they back off. Sigh.”
I don’t think you can act ‘too’ interested(as long as you don’t come off as psychotic, or insincere).
Nicole 30
@Paragon, I do not focus my energies on anyone who isn’t interested in me. Ever. But you do have to read profiles to know what is going on. I’m not going to just message people b/c I didn’t bother to read all of the details.
And there are more black women in college, grad schools of all kinds, and then by default in competitive workplaces so you we are more visible and encounter more non-black men yet it somehow doesn’t dislodge our preferences. So I’m open-minded about these things but you wouldn’t hear me say that it’s b/c I think black men are less attractive then other men. Black men who don’t date black women wrap it up in a lot of misogyny directed only at black women. I don’t need to justify my choices in life by putting down black men, b/c they are no more of a monolith than we are and there are good men of every race. So it just becomes stupid and lazy when any person of any race wants to say “white men do this” or “black men are that.”
You know, the first lady of this country is a black lady, and there have been other high profile, well-educated black women that everyone has seen so if you are still so married to nasty stereotypes in 2012, I don’t want to meet you, and I don’t care if you think my profile stands out. Are people so stupid that they assume there are only 5 black professional women in America? And everyone else is on drugs and is poor?
Like I said, they could not be so lazy and obviously racist as to think that you don’t want a black woman to dare contact you b/c they are so low-class, ugly, and uneducated or whatever. All you have to do is read the profile. I don’t really care. It’s easier for us when so many people let you know what they are up front. I don’t have to waste my time responding to any of them.
Julia 31
I just joined eharmony and every single match is from 30 miles outside of my city. I live in Philadelphia, I find it extremely hard to believe there are no singles in Philadelphia. Further, living in a city is extremely important to me. I grew up in the suburbs and it never felt like home. The diversity and culture of the city works better. I don’t want to risk meeting someone who will want me to live in boringtown, usa.
Julia 32
@Nicole I am sorry you have to deal with such obvious racism on dating sites. I can’t offer you any advice just warm wishes that you will find a man who will treat you the way you need to be treated. Good luck.
Soul Sister 33
I know this is a post about where you live, but as so many have chimed in about race also, just thought I would add a comment about not being attractive to people of another race vs. being a racist. I am a blonde haired, blue eyed woman, so I am not pretending to know how it feels to be a minority in America, but I do know how I personally feel. I prefer not to date black men, not because I am racist against their color, but because I am just not attracted to their physical characteristics in general. I have occasionally met black men I would consider dating (who wouldn’t date Denzel Washington, I don’t care what color he is!!), but it was because they had a physical attribute I was attracted to. Before you yell “racist”, I want to point out, I also do not typically date blonde haired, blue or green eyed men…because I am not physically attracted to them! I DO date lots of Latino men though, because I find them wildly sexy!! Or white men with very dark hair and dark eyes. So while I am sure there are many racists out there Nicole, and I would be ignorant to them as I am not a minority race, I am sure there are also men who just prefer blondes as the old saying goes. And I am in my early 50s, lots of 50 year old men are won’t date me because of my age. I think we all feel excluded at times, and I think we all exclude at times, but for much more simple reasons than race…what attracts us and what doesn’t, and which race you might be more likely to find that attribute. I have heard that there are blond haired, blue eyed Latinos but I have never met one…because I wouldn’t look at him long enough anyway. I want my Latino as dark as they get! Right now I am happily dating a full blooded Puerto Rican, but have dated Spanish and Mexican men just as happily….but curiously, Italian men don’t do the same thing for me….
Sherel 34
I would say that although there are specific challenges in certain cities, yuo have to figure out how to work around them and it is possible.
@ Soul Sister you are entitled to preferences. I have mine and have tried to be more open by not limiting myself online to just Black men but that is my first choice. As a caramel person I love smooth brown skin. Also the increase in Melanin produces less wrinkles as we age. @ Mia I disagree about being super hot to compete with an ordinary white women, particularly as you get older. When I am in mix race groups the white men are often super interest primarily because I look 10 years younger than my white counter-parts. But do not get me wrong, I lood pretty good!!! Lol @Nicole, I too have experienced guys online that state they are not interested in Black women, only to have them contact me. When I asked why, many say well you seem different. I generally reject them because their actions dictate that they are not and have not been opposed and that is not someone I would consider dating. I am not interested in being anyone’s experiment. Me an Aisian guys equally have no interest and I am cool with that. Although I have a best friend married to a very cool Vietnamese guy.
Women have to look beyond appearances, be confident and trust and believe!!! Also as an old song says ” I don’t want nobody that don’t want me” Too many fish in the sea!!!
Natalia 35
I am in a 350 mile long distance relationship. We drive nearly 6 hours to see each other and have done so for 6 months. Fortunately we are self employed and are able to make the time. I had been dating in my 70k town and nearby big city off and on for 2 years. This city that my boyfriend lives in is more characteristic of what appeals to me I found, and I feel very comfortable there with him and the friends/ community I have met so far! I will move up there if things continue on the right track…
Nicole 36
@Soul Sister…did you miss the part where men who say “no black women” will still contact me? So yeah, people will SAY they want something but clearly I’m not so black and hideous and ugly to them. It’s why I MIGHT say that the list of men who I’d say are most attractive to me would be made up of majority black men, but it would be dishonest for me to say “ugh, I think all men who are X race, or X hair color are ugly to me,” b/c they aren’t. So I don’t begrudge anyone their preferences. I actually think you should just just “stay in your lane” once you make them public. I don’t want to be anyone’s exception. There is nothing on this earth that would make me list “no X guys” and then try to message guys from that group.
So my point is that if you think black women are awful and ugly, don’t wink at the ones that you think are “special.”
I’ll also mention that I’m not light-skinned or ambiguous looking so these men who supposedly don’t want any “black chicks” aren’t contacting me b/c I look almost white or like something they could lump into the awful “exotic” category. And my other credentials might be stellar but as I said, if you think that no black women are well-educated, well-traveled, and interesting professionals(which a lot of men don’t even care about anyway), then you just live under a rock.
I think it’s safer to just not make certain statements in such absolute terms b/c I personally have never liked the taste of “crow”…
Nicole 37
@Soul Sister, the kind of misconceptions you have about what certain kinds of people look like is precisely one of the things that makes people claim they don’t like certain kinds of people. And it’s the kind of stereotyping that I don’t ever want to be guilty of or be subjected to. B/c there is no one way that every person or every race or ethnicity can be categorized. Just not possible.
I don’t know where you live, but you probably HAVE seen a blond, blue-eyed Latino, and didn’t know it, b/c you assume they are all dark-haired and sexy. You’ve probably been around Asian Latinos and Black Latinos too. Some of my Latino friends/acquaintances are black like me, some are Asian, some are white, some are tanned and dark-haired (which people mistakenly assume is some kind of Latino race), and everything in between.
So if you like tanned guys with olive skin, you like tanned guys with olive skin, but those guys come in every nationality.
Christine 38
Nicole, I totally empathize with you about the racism on some of these sites. I’m a 33 year old Asian and have been continually frustrated that men automatically exclude me. Some do so because I’m not white, some because I’m old, sometimes it’s a mixture of both. I just keep telling myself that I only need one, so I don’t care that I’m at the bottom of most men’s lists, as long as there is just one out there who will appreciate me for who I am. When it’s not the men who automatically dismiss me, it’s the ones who think I’m going to be some submissive giggling schoolgirl or geisha for them. I certainly don’t deny the inequities on these sites and how they’re heavily tilted against minorities. However, my own sister met her husband on match, so it must not be impossible either.
I have blamed my town before, since it’s a suburban place predominantly made up of families and there aren’t any other single professionals like me around this area. So I’ve tried looking at larger surrounding cities, and would be willing to move for the right person. Then again, when I hear the complaints of women who live in those larger areas, I realize that no one has it completely easy so I’ll make the most of my situation.
Paragon 39
@ Nicole
Hasty generalizations are a function of ignorance, for which it sounds like you have very little tolerance – not something I would fault you for.
But, people also have a rather unfortunate tendency of trying to rationalize preferences with an otherwise irrational basis(as perhaps is the case with much of black male exogamy), so I can sympathize(women do the same thing in how they tend to make false attributions, in attempting to justify otherwise irrational mate preferences).
Yeah, black women get a bad rap, but intelligent men can get past the BS, and see them for who they are(trust me on that).
And I agree, that location is frequently a limiting factor, which is why I would suggest you expand your search parameters beyond local boundaries – which are a trivial object to anyone determined to find love.
Heather 40
@ Jennifer 19,
Exactly. Every town/city/region has its own distinct personality, and if you’re not really that “type” then dating can be a lot more difficult. Sure, being flexible is good, but I don’t believe in making oneself over into something one is not, just to get someone. My area, in DC, is too A-type personality, for my liking. I’m fairly laid-back and like to have fun, but so many people here just are too busy for their own good, and that doesn’t work for me. I am not interested in working some “power job” and name-dropping and trying to network the hell out of everything and everyone.
I was alot more comfortable with the people of Philadelphia; in fact, I dated someone I’d been friends with when I lived there, years ago, and he was a really nice guy. He had alot of life issues that he needed to settle which caused our fledgling relationship to fizzle out, but he was a very nice man and left me with alot of hope for meeting a good guy in Philly. The city’s personality was much more suited to my personality, and should the day come where my Mom is finally cancer-free, and if my guy and I do not work out, you can bet your bippie that I will be looking up there for a guy, if I decide to try again.
Soul Sister 41
@Nicole, it was not my intention to catagorize anyone, I am just more attracted to one type of “look” than another type of look, and I think dark Latino men are sexy, that’s all. That does not mean that every Latino man is attractive to me, and that every other man is awful and ugly. I have dated Chinese men, Indian men, and white men. I have just developed a preference for dark Latino men, the look, the culture, the intensity that I tend to find in them. That does not mean I am generalizing, I like what I like. And as I said, that doesn’t cover all Latinos, which is why I was specific to the dark ones. I am not attracted to just “tanned men with olive skin”.
When I was on match, I had men all the time contacting me when I was outside their “age” range on their profile. So I was the exception, so what? There was something about my look that they liked, regardless of my age. So I could say “since you obviously like younger women I am not going to be your exception” or I could just say “hi” back and see where it goes.
I hope I am being kind about this and giving you something to just think about, but based on your comments you may have a chip on your shoulder (and probably rightly so!) but being “right” doesn’t usually work well for anyone, as it just makes everyone else “wrong”. So if someone who states they don’t want to date a black woman (or a tall woman, or a woman who has a few extra pounds, or whatever is outside their profile preference) says hi anyway…maybe instead of being offended and righteous, perhaps see what happens if you just say hi back? When we do find a relationship with someone, that automatically makes us the exception to everyone else they have dated! I am pretty fit, I had on my profile I wanted a fit man…ended up with a Latino who is about 40 lbs overweight…but he is my very sexy exception!
BTW, men typically do not care if you are well traveled, educated or professional, no matter what race you are. That is just a fact of life for all women. Men are attracted to looks first, everything else is just icing on the cake.
Nicole 42
@Soul Sister, I think I said that men didn’t care about those things, but it would be inaccurate to say that they don’t play into the choice of a man who says publicly he doesn’t like black women to then contact black women. You will never experience the ignorance that is someone of another race telling you that you “aren’t like the others” b/c you are educated and smart. And it is offensive since you know exactly what they mean. So in my case, my credentials do make me “less black” and “more acceptable” to them, whereas, no, your don’t come into play at all b/c you are already acceptable by default for being white.
And I’m not going to argue the whole race thing with you b/c you don’t want to get it, and calling it a chip on my shoulder is typical but still annoying. I’m black every day that I get up, and acknowledging the things I’ll face because of it and discussing them does not entail a “chip.” It is hard to have discussions about race with non-minorities b/c they deny your experiences and tell you that you are being bitter or have issues and it just isn’t worth my time. We don’t live in a race blind society. You put yourself at a big disadvantage as a minority if you try to act like you do.
My only point was that what you were calling Latino or even dark Latino wasn’t very meaningful since Latinos come in all races. To me, a dark Latino would be a black Latino (or maybe one with indigenous roots) but you said you don’t like black men, so I don’t know if you just assume like a lot of people that speaking Spanish or Portuguese makes a Black person an exotic “other” who has on African ancestry or not (it’s a pretty common leap for people to make).
So a person who hold negative stereotypes about my race is not the same as the 30 year old who decides that the fact that you are an older woman doesn’t matter. It is so not the same thing. And being chosen as a racist’s “special snowflake” is a “prize” that I can do without.
Michael17 43
I would say location plays a part. I live in a small town in central Maryland. There is a definite difference in the “average” OLD profile on Match of the SWF no kids between (a) where I live, (2) Baltimore, and (3) Washington, D.C. .
The profiles of the women at (a) where I live tend to have a couple short cliche-filled paragraphs. Most of the women are college-educated but they tend to have simple tastes–hanging out with friends and partying and going to bars on weekends and rooting for either the Ravens or Capitals.
The profiles of the women at (c) Washington, D.C. tend to be read more like applications to Amazing Race. There it seems that about every woman there whose profile I read in her profile has a picture of her playing soccer with the locals in some third-world country and talks about training for a triathlon.
The profiles of the women at (b) tend to be a combination of (a) and (c).
I often feel as if I don’t fit in here. I tend to be more the nice-guy intellectual type (with good social skills). Most of the women here are either already in relationships or they seem to go for military types and so they don’t seem to find me that interesting. In OLD the women (a) where I live don’t write me back while the women (c) in DC often do, and (b) the women in Baltimore sometimes do.
So yes I would say there is something to location mattering.
WildIrishRose 44
Great post. This is the first article that’s prompted me to comment. Thank you, Evan. The answer is YES – You ARE single because of where you live. I am living proof of this theory. I feel strongly about specific cities, and believe the odds are better in some locations.
I moved SPECIFICALLY for dating reasons. I relocated from Cleveland, Ohio to Chicago, IL.
I painstakingly researched and visited several cities (Denver, San Francisco, San Diego, Phoenix, Ann Arbor, Columbus, Miami, Portland, Seattle, etc), keeping in mind my own hobbies and career choices. I looked at census reports. I talked to other singles. I checked out the online dating profiles. I interviewed friends who lived in the cities. I interviewed friends of friends. I visited, and visited again. I saved my money, and paid for my own move to Chicago. It took me a while to figure out the best city for me, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Did I have to make sacrifices? Yes. I had to leave behind a beautiful condo and wonderful friendships. I also took a step back financially. But my love life is my priority, and I based my decision on this, and figured I would recover in the other categories. My plan worked. I did recover.
In Cleveland, my options for over 38 dating were very limited. The pond was too small, with few new people moving to the city. There were many more professional men than women. My dating life in Chicago is very good, mainly because I have so many more options. I went from 1 or 2 dates a month in Cleveland, to 2 – 5 dates a week in Chicago. I work hard on my dating life and am very determined to find a life partner. I worked just as hard in Cleveland. The options just weren’t there. So the city is critical to dating success.
I hear a lot of complaints about dating in Chicago, and I’m sure someone will comment along this line. I’m saying that this is the right city for me, and my dating life has improved significantly.
Since moving here two years ago, I’ve had 100+ dates and a two relationships. Relationship #1 didn’t work. Great guy, but we discovered we weren’t a match. Relationship #2 lasted four months. He ended up relocating for a job and we remained friends. I’ve probably had 100 first dates, and just met someone who seems like a match for me. My chin is up!
Anyone else have a similar story to share?
Mia 45
I still wouldn’t read too much into people’s stated online dating preferences. I say in mine that I want a protestant, but ended up going out on four dates so far with a Jewish guy. I usually steer clear of Jewish guys, because most of them only get serious about Jewish girls and I’ve had bad experiences with that in college, but he was cool and I had nothing better going on anyway. Even now that I am out in the Midwest I can’t find a Protestant guy available to date – usually I have to settle for a catholic – so I’m on the verge of giving up on that one. I do think putting any other kind of preferences (religion and age are more legitimate) comes off as crass and am surprised so many people do it.
Julia 46
#44 good insight on moving from a small pond to a big pond. I am not totally convinced that quantity is better than quality though. I usually go out on 8-10 dates a month, mostly first but these dates aren’t leading anywhere. I almost long for the days when I lived in a small pond because I had an excuse as to why I was single, now I feel like there are so many options yet none of them are appealing.
miskwa 47
Yep, location, location, location! I live in a very small mountain town and all of us older women are in the same boat; no healthy dating pool whatsoever. Many of us are very educated, liberal, and keep healthy. Most of the older men are ex laborers with little respect for women and often serious drug/alcohol/health issues. Domestic abuse and stalking are real problems. A woman here was killed by her stalker two years ago. The nearest large city is 100 miles away and the drive is treacherous in winter (ranked the deadliest stretch of road in the country). I am also triracial and fall into the “exotic looking” category. There is a famous race series here but nowadays most racers are around 35 with wife and kids (distance athletes tend to be educated, disciplined, fit and dont have drug issues). I look online for older, fit retirees (few or no high end jobs here) looking to escape the concrete gulag and live in the woods but no one wants to drive here, much less live here even half time. Dating locals was disasterous: one had no respect for, hated, my values; the other, a professor (theyre just as flawed as everyone else) was/is a cold, calculating,uncaring player. I have to deal with both often as I work with one and the other lives by my place of employment. In a small place, you deal with ex’s, like it or not. I volunteer, have bought a home here and tried to invest in community and be a positive influence but it is horribly lonely. I am not a city person and do think that to find a healthy relationship, you must be your authentic self and live your true lifestyle. I have lived in small places since I bailed out of the family at age 17 and have never encountered a situation like this before. If i bail on my mortgage, and leave, I will take a devastating financial hit because my retirement was collateral for the loan. Most academic jobs pay half as much as this one and are very hard to get in this recession. I also help out my remaining parent, my only family. I love my job and my colleagues are great (with one exception) but I feel punished for committing to this place. I intend to retire in 8 years, at 60. Many of my colleagues and neighbors dont understand why I’d leave but I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. I understand that women do wind up alone for good at some point because we outlive men and we are generally more resilient. I just didnt think it would happen in my 50′s. I want to be able to once again be respected by and loved by a good man, want to be able to talk about what matters to me without being chastised/often hated for my education and values. Most of my older women friends/colleagues have given up for good and tell me I should do the same.
Nicole 48
@Mia,
I think it’s “safe” to give it a shot with preferences like age, height, or education, but race is an entirely different can of worms, and honestly, depending on my religion, I’d keep my ears peeled for signs of bias as well. Anything smacking of “you’re not like the others” is where I’m done.
Meh, it’s funny. I had estimated the percentage of blacks in my surroundings to be somewhere around 3-4% (where the national percentage is 12-13%). It’s actually less than 1% with only a couple of exceptions in an area that has a few million people total.
So definitely time to move or cast a wider net. I’m happy to do the former, it will just take some time.
LC 49
I live in DC, and it’s a pretty tough place to date. There are more single women here than single men, as there are a lot of gay men here that do not date straight women. I find it difficult because the attitude of the men is that there are so many women out there, and so the answer is always “no” in terms of maybe trying a relationship with one woman. If they can get sex within three dates from another girl, then why would they try to get to know someone like me? I feel like the men just aren’t open to seeing how it goes and giving a relationship a bit of time/room. So you either have sex really early with a guy, and he leaves, or you wait to have sex, and he leaves. Either way, he’s out on the town chasing a new girl. I guess you have to wait until the “right time” with these guys, but I’ve been waiting for 18 years to meet a guy at the “right time.” It would be nice to meet a guy who has an open heart and mind. I’ve always searched for someone who has a kind heart and is honorable, and it’s been a long search.
Paragon 50
@ LC
“ I find it difficult because the attitude of the men is that there are so many women out there, and so the answer is always “no” in terms of maybe trying a relationship with one woman. If they can get sex within three dates from another girl, then why would they try to get to know someone like me? I feel like the men just aren’t open to seeing how it goes and giving a relationship a bit of time/room. So you either have sex really early with a guy, and he leaves, or you wait to have sex, and he leaves. Either way, he’s out on the town chasing a new girl. I guess you have to wait until the “right time” with these guys.”
Why bother with these guys, at all.
Ever heard of the apex fallacy(an interesting topic for a future blog entry, even though I’m sure it has been covered her before in the past)?
WildIrishRose 51
#49 I feel your pain. I see a lot of that in Chicago too. I started mixing things up so that I would avoid “that type of guy.” I hit a lot of professional events and meet people online. I’ve tried a variety of clubs, meetups, and activities. It becomes a numbers game. I keep my chin up by telling myself that I am willing to go out with 100 guys if it means I will find my best match. In fact, I will go out with 200 guys if it means I will find my best match. Nice guys do exist!
Joe 52
Soul Sister (#41) wrote:
BTW, men typically do not care if you are well traveled, educated or professional, no matter what race you are. That is just a fact of life for all women. Men are attracted to looks first, everything else is just icing on the cake.
This. I believe Karl R has said something similar many times. Except, it’s not quite just looks–it’s also how you make him feel. Even the hottest supermodel, if she doesn’t make her date feel good, he won’t want to keep dating her, unless he just needs the arm candy for some other reason. Even if you’re not a supermodel, if he has fun with you, you’ll keep getting dates.
Regarding the whole location thing, what I find curious is the number of women who live in DC proper who say they only want to date men within 5 miles or less. I guess maybe they don’t have cars and only want to be able to metro/walk to their dates’ place? Even though most suburban guys have our own car; in fact I drive from Maryland to Virginia for work every day. Or they only want to date convenient guys less than 30 minutes away?
Also, for some reason, the women in Northern Virginia seem to outnumber the women in suburban Maryland.
Have you DC-area ladies have made the same couple of observations regarding DC-area men?
lld 53
I’m also half Asian and have not found race to be too much of an issue. It seems men are hard-wired to think there is something special about Asian women. I would never date a man who tells me “I love Asian women”. Get a grip, he isn’t interested in actually getting to know me he’s just trying make some fantasy of his come true. Of course there are the ones who email and when you check out their profiles it says “xyz only”… gee thanks for making an exception.
My 19 yr old daughter has brown hair and blue eyes and is as “white” looking as she can be, but she identifies herself as Asian. Another problem with stereotyping is that we don’t necessarily identify ourselves with the same race that someone else would.
On the topic of location: I live in a medium sized Southern town. It really is hard , but not impossible, to find a compatible person to go out with. I met my boyfriend online. I was hesitant to go outside of a 25 mile radius, but glad I did… he lives 27 miles out.
Ellen 54
Nicole wrote: And California is not a racial utopia nor are the people are open-minded as a lot of people would like to think. It’s a big fallacy that people in California are all liberal, esp. when it comes to interracial dating. There is definitely a hierarchy and not all non-white women are treated equally. Ever. I get treated a LOT better and get attention from some white men in other parts of the country, including in the South where I was raised.
It’s a huge fallacy that the races don’t date here. I see more bi-racial couples here than anywhere (SC) and I travel abroad each year. But the explosion is fairly recent imo. Prior to that, if you study the layout of most major SE cities, the black and white neighborhoods were contiguous (except Atlanta) so mixing was frequent/inevitable. Many of my high school friends were practically raised by black nannies (’cause their parents were a a bit awol) and Jimmy Carter talks about this loving mixing of the races in the small town he grew up in in GA…..
I went to an all-girls high school in Charleston in the late 60s but I frequented three separate social milieus: the debs, others (miscellaneous, older southern women mostly- mentors), and older, hipper local college kids (incl. gays). I also spent the first nine years of my life on various Army bases where integration happened first so when it came time to date I did occasionally date interesting black guys that crossed my path.
I am currently trying to set my son up with a young black woman his age who works with me ’cause I think they would click. On okcupid here btw, he tells me he mostly hears from black chicks. lol
Btw, as an aside, years ago, and I’m sure it hasn’t changed much, I was at my brother’s engagement party outside LA and someone with a straight face asked me “why do you live in Atlanta?” as if it were some backwater. Atlanta now….Made me mad as hell, but I shot back “well, we have opera now and last I looked running water”….. jeez Hollywood (and the “hick” movies) have done a real unfair number on the entire SE, the bias is just incredible.
But move here, and 9 out of 10 wouldn’t leave for anything, ever. ‘Cause this place is mostly very spiritual. People are kind and will give you eye contact and speak nicely to you. Help you if your car breaks down by the side of the road. Yes religion still holds sway here, but at least those types give brotherly love a try. By Monday or Tuesday they are back to being super worldly like everyone else though. lol Or gossiping.
I hear others complain about the men in their area, and really I have dated mostly gentlemen here with only about 6 exceptions (the men I became involved with unfortunately) and those ran the gamut. When dating my favorite men were probably Midwesterners though….
We aren’t perfect, but who the hell is?
No, I have always felt the South’s greatness lies in the very fact it was defeated (Civil War). Years of reconstruction enabled a people, more than decimated (estimates are 1 in 3 SC adult males died), to come together to not only rebuild but to succeed despite the continued taunts and condescension of other Americans, and especially, the hugely negative influence and vindictiveness of Hollywood. For us, humility has been as important as utility.
The evils of the Jim Crow era forced the South to hold a mirror to itself, to reform in ways other regions and other countries have only begun to.
You just need to find someone from your “tribe” girls and those men can live anywhere imo, even Europe. Someone with a good blend of head AND heart.
LC 55
@ Paragon: I don’t “bother with these guys.” But I’m telling you that I’ve been here since July 2004 and never once encountered a man that wanted a relationship. I have several other girlfriends who grew up here, are in their late 30s, and have never even had a boyfriend. This area is really tough. Maybe you just have to keep dating and dating and dating to find a guy who might be open to sticking around. If this in an “apex fallacy,” then so be it. It’s what I’ve experienced for the past 8 years, and I’m pretty open in terms of giving a guy who has the guts to ask me out a fair chance. I make a good salary, but I don’t care whether the guy makes more money than me or not. In fact, one guy I was dating lost his job, I sent his resume to some friends, they offered him a job, then he knocked up another girl and moved to Missouri while we were dating; and that’s the end. Things are hard for both genders, trust me. It’s a miracle if two nice, honorable people manage to run into each other and aren’t so bitter from their past experiences that they’re too afraid to try.
Susan61 56
Well, no one has mentioned Boston so I’ll go on record that it is a tough place to date if you are over 40. With the many, many colleges and universities in the area it is a VERY young city. Also, the area can be a bit parochial in the sense that people tend to marry young, have children and stay close to their families. I have heard from people from other parts of the country that it can be a very cold place to try to make new friends, as the natives here are just not very friendly. Some blame the cold New England weather, yeah, that can be a factor but Chicago “the windy city”, also with freezing cold weather, seems to have much more of an open, welcoming, cosmopolitan vibe.
In Boston, the sense of parochialism is pretty strong. Certainly there are plenty of friendly people, are there are in New York City (which also has a bad rap for being unfriendly). I believe you can meet new people anywhere really if you have an open, friendly attitude and feel confident about yourself and meeting others.
That said, I have read that women outnumber men here, and the remaining (attractive, educated, have their life together) men over 40 (and 50, which is not my category) are either looking for much younger women or just not wiling to settle down due to the huge numbers of attractive, young, available women running around in appealing, revealing summer outfits. For men, it seems like being a kid in a candy store in this city. But I’m quite sure the men over 40 who are trying to date, and are considered “average” would not agree with me.
Jen 57
@ Barentt
You said “Once you have a reasonable profile of your ideal mate you could start your search, and possibly find that ideal guy or gal, in whatever city or country you may live”. I love the idea and have been intending just that for over 3 years now. I have a VERY clear picture of my ideal mate and have been doing all sorts of things here on a relatively sparsely populated island (150K total about 45K within 30 miles of me…quite spread out. Next large town is 2 hours away) I;m dancing, taking classes, in meditation and social groups as well as on several online sites. The sites don’t have many profiles from my area although there are several interesting men from other islands. This poses the problem of having to fly everytime you want a date! Tried it for awhile when the tickets were cheaper, but it it just like another long distance thing. I am so tired of continually searching and sorting !! It used to be sooo much easier. I would just write out my wish list and focus on it and viola. Of course that was when I lived in california…
Jen 58
@Miskwa
I can totally align with you. It’s scary getting older without a partnership. Seems like the older we get, the less prospects we have, especially in a small pool. I have, too, considered moving b/c I get a lot more interest and attention in Ca. but. like you , don’t want to give up my house. Wouldn’t mind half time each place…What if we could find a wonderful guy who would be into that? I’m rooting for you!
@LC I send you lots of blessings and empathize with you ! I get the sex thing a lot here, too. I’m lucky if I can find 1 guy to date in a month and I’m fairly pretty, in great shape, smart, good conversationalist and fairly self sufficient. My men friends are surprised I’m single. Maybe it b/c I’m not willing to put out after 3 dates? Seriously, I haven’t met anyone lately I would even consider having sex with ! There are some interesting men online, but most live too far away or on another island