Believe The Negatives, Ignore The Positives
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Last week, I thought of something that I’d never quite considered before.
It was in my Monday night Inner Circle and new member, Natalie, asked a question:
I went to visit a friend I’ve known for a while and we got involved. Over the next week we exchanged flirty emails and texts. Last week he ended up coming into town and he stayed with me, continuing the romance. He is hesitant about jumping into a relationship (i.e. not wanting to mess up our friendship, he said he’s a mess, he’s recovering from insane relationship, etc).
In general, I’m trying to give him sufficient space and no pressure. Aside from any general advice you have, how do I balance showing interest with giving sufficient space? –Natalie
Natalie’s question was a good one – but it was the wrong question. The real question is why she’d be so inclined to ignore all of this guy’s red flags.
This is like booking a seat on the Titanic AFTER you knew it was going to crash.
She shouldn’t be figuring out how to be the “cool girl.” She should be figuring out how to punch up her online dating profile to find a better man.
After all, would YOU feel encouraged if your date said any one of the following:
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship by experimenting with a relationship.”
“I’m really an emotional basket case right now.”
“I’m on the rebound from an absolutely insane relationship.”
Natalie feels chemistry, and, as I’ve pointed out before, chemistry is what allows you to overlook a man’s biggest flaws. Look at your past – when you’re hot for a guy, you just sweep the red flags under the rug as if they’re not even there, just so you can keep up that passionate feeling.
And where would that passionate feeling lead Natalie if she actually gets the guy?
Right into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable, messed-up man who is the first to say that he’s probably not ready to embark on something serious.
Can you say “huh?”
This is like booking a seat on the Titanic AFTER you knew it was going to crash.
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46 Comments »Filed Under Understanding Men
my honest answer 1
So true Evan! When someone says they’re not looking for a relationship BELIEVE them. Why would they say it if they didn’t mean it?
This, by the way, is totally different to somone saying ‘I love you’ too soon in a relationship. Don’t believe them. Why would they say it if they didn’t mean it? Because they have PLENTY to gain.
The person saying they’re not interested has nothing to gain from lying. So take them at their word. Don’t become their fall-back position.
nathan 2
Women use some of the same hinting methods. I don’t think this is gender specific. However, I totally agree with Evan that if someone says these kind of things to you, it’s best to believe them. And if you aren’t sure what the signals being given off mean, spend some time collecting more information.
Lily2 3
Perfect Evan! I would add to that …. a guy will tell you quite a bit about himself on the first few dates. He isn’t trying to, but if you listen carefully you will hear, his fears, past relationship issues and much more! My Ex husband told me early on that his family called him “Ice Man”, due to his style of shutting off all feeling and using cold hard logic. Guess what? That is exactly what ultimately ruined my marriage. I could not feel close and safe with him no matter how hard I tried! I am so relieved to be out of that relationship! He is a wonderful guy too, handsome, creative, hard working, honest etc. But for someone like me, lack of warmth is a deal breaker. I now know myself well, and listen very carefully on dates to what a man tells me, and believe me they tell me a lot! It’s my job to LISTEN!
Allison 4
It’s totally true. I once had a guy say to me, “it’s not just the person– it’s the timing.” I ignored him. About a month later he said, “let’s hang out with a group more instead of just the two of us.” I ignored that too, along with all the little, subtle comments just like it. When he broke up with me, I felt worse because deep down, I understood that all along he had been telling me not to get too close to him.
Evan, love the line about not trying to be the cool girl and instead trying to find a better man. That’s one for the mirror too!
Candice 5
This is kind of depressing because it’s so true. Better to be aware though.
Spiral 6
This is difficult advice to follow, but I know in my gut it’s valid.
My story: Guy-friend started fawning all over me when I became single, telling me he loved me, telling me he wanted to elope with me…yet at the same time refusing to leave his current girlfriend. He also repeatedly told me he’s lazy, selfish and just wants a woman to take care of him so he can do what he wants.
Yeah.
I told him to step!
Gina 7
Thanks Evan! I am listening and will follow you advice in the future. I could have saved myself years of heartache if only I would have applied this advice sooner. Happy Thanksgiving!
JoAnn 8
This one really resonates. When ‘my’ guy said he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, my wishful thinking made me hear the word ‘yet’ tacked on to the end of the statement. I thought it was just a matter of time, another 6 months or so. I believed we were so perfectly suited that it would all fall into place. Instead, the relationship that lasted 18 months took at least 3 times that to get over. Hint, schmint! As hard as it is, extract your heart and move on.
melie 9
We can’t ignore those men that just love to play with out emotions to get sex. Lead you on to believe you will have a “meaningful” relationship. Saying all the right things, spending the appropriate amount of time with you, then poof! You begin to feel something and they are gone! OMGoodness! Jerks are out there. There are some really nice jerks…..seriously! In the end all they really want is to get their rocks off and be damned with anything else!
Then there are the guys you tell us to look at. The men that are looking at us! Have you seen “Mister If It Could Be Wrong with Someone It Is with Me” I am interested in you? Or how about the one that has a job at a fast food place and thinks that is gainful employment? Or the guy that attends weekly ”meetings” for whatever ails him?
I know one thing, the more dates I go on, the faster I can spot a man with no ambition and clear cut problems.
It is actually very sad that we as females have to subject ourselves to what is out there to weed out something special. But maybe that’s what dating has always been about.
Thanks for your advice Evan. I’m listening.
M
Rachel 10
Evan, your post is brilliant. This is the best advice boiled down to the bare essentials that we can all remember. I doubt it is what most of us want to hear, but definitely true.
AnnieC 11
@3 Great comments.
People do tell us a lot and it is up to us to listen
Goldie 12
Agree with Nathan, it isn’t gender-specific. My first thought when reading the post was — I’ve said those things too. And, when I said them, I totally meant them. Got to give the guy a lot of credit — most people wouldn’t say that, or even recognize those things about themselves. Takes a good deal of emotional maturity to come out and say those things to the person you’re involved with. Guy sounds like a great FWB candidate, that would be indispensable when you’re just out of one relationship and not ready for the next, but want some R&R in between. Wait, this is exactly what he’s doing with Natalie. Whether she likes this arrangement or not, is her call, but the fact is, it isn’t going to change.
Maria 13
Ohh this is my life right here Evan. I just recently broke up with this guy I was seeing/dating for 4 months. He DID told me he wasnt ready for a committed relationship but when I asked about a future one, he said he didnt have a problem with that. My mistake was to quickly asking him the where we are question within the first week of seeing each other. We spend every single day seeing each other for the first week though. His reply was he was just getting to know me….I said fine….I will give him one month and like that I brought up the subject at least two or three more times until he told me I was pushing him away and then by our last conversation he said he is immature when it comes to relationship and that he isnt ready for one. I, obviously, was devastaded and had to break it off. I miss him so much and I am hurt because of MY OWN FAULT. I should have never continue to try and change his mind. I feel like I was trying to have something very unattainable. He was never ready for me.
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach for Women Over 40 14
Evan – this is magnificent! As a Dating Coach for women over 40, I learned this myself the hard way. TALK IS CHEAP! Men say stuff in the moment, without prompting, not because they are bad, but because it must feel good. Later, as they get their wits about them, they must re-evaluate.
And I completely agree that men will tell you about themselves in the first few dates if YOU LISTEN. I think this is the best advice you’ve ever given (and you’ve given lots of great advice) and the best advice I’ve come across in along time. Single gals – heed this advice and keep your eyes open for the red flags. This way you can’t lose.
Mike 15
@melie #9
“It is actually very sad that we as females have to subject ourselves to what is out there to weed out something special. But maybe that’s what dating has always been about.”
It’s sad that we as men have to weed out women too.
Laya 16
While I agree with what Evan’s saying, I have heard and read other alternative thoughts on this. Other dating coaches like Rori Raye or Christian Carter believe something more akin to the difference between an available man or an unavailable man is the woman. There are lots of examples of men who said they were not ready for a relationship but then they unwittingly fell in love with this special woman who made him feel something different. There are men who have just gotten out of a long term relationship or marriage didn’t think they wanted anything serious then find themselves in one. So I don’t know what to think.
AQ 17
“This is like booking a seat on the Titanic AFTER you knew it was going to crash.”
HAHA – you are always so funny. But this is your best lesson to see the negative and ignore the chemistry.
Ruby 18
Well, EMK, I’m kind of angry with you…why? Because you weren’t there to give me this brilliant piece of advice years ago! I tend to be fairly positive person, so that was always my mindset, but I always got burned. Besides, it’s a lot more fun to believe all the positive comments, and to have hope, than to face up to the red flags. The men (I’m sure some women do it too) who give mixed signals are generally pretty confused – why not stick to those who are more clear-headed and genuinely ready? I have to agree with Melie (#11), the jerks are out there in droves, but it’s up to us to weed them out.
Sandra81 19
Well, at least if all men were capable of SAYING these things! But there are also soooo many that will just start avoiding you without any explanation. Like a guy I dated recently. We seemed to “click” from the first moment, 1 month after we met, we “got together” (didn’t go very far as I’m more of the cautious type), about 2 weeks of dating, and then…he started blowing cold. After 3 days of hearing nothing but excuses as why we couldn’t spend more time together, I offered him closure in an e-mail, saying that I didn’t like unclear situations and game playing. Personally, I would prefer and respect an upfront person saying “I don’t want a relationship”, or “I don’t think it’s gonna work between us”. Guess what: he is still part of my life, as we are both volunteers in a youth organization. We are “friends”, in a sense that we don’t give each other a hard time, and we are cool about each other, but…I moved on, he hooks up with many different girls all the time, and …that’s all, folks!
On the other hand, I wouldn’t say “ignore the positives” either. Wouldn’t that make you paranoid, insecure, or suspicious of a person who may not deserve it? I think we should keep a healthy balance. What do you think?
Lily2 20
@ Layla 16…i find this so confusing too. Sometimes I feel I am just walking in circles :-/ Even EMK implies that, how the woman acts determines much of whether or not a guy will stick around and make you his girlfriend! Ugh!
Sassafrass 21
I recently went out with someone who was going to be in my town for three months. On the date, he was very affectionate, and said all these things about how we would do this and that. But, he also said he is living day to day. When he said it the first time, I thought I should pay close attention, and then he said it again. I told him we could not date, because in my heart, I knew with me, he was asking me to play girlfriend and the would move on.
A month and a half later, I saw him out with a woman I know he met on the same night. I had liked him, so I thought, ouch! Why her and not me? And I felt hurt and angry.
But then I realized I should not be surprised he found someone to play his girlfriend for his time in my town, that is exactly what I felt like he wanted me to do. I looked at his Facebook, and he has a picture of them together as his profile picture after a max of 6 weeks.
Is he in love with her? Maybe. But I doubt she listens to his warnings. Maybe they will marry, who the heck knows, but i won,t be with someone who is asking me to get deeply involved too fast and then has an out at the end.
Heather 22
Evan,
I agree with you. I recently went out with a guy who had said, up front, he did not want something serious. He wasn’t ready, as he’d just come out of a 5-year relationship with someone he’d been engaged to. I listened, did not try to think, “well maybe I can change him” or anything of the sort. And we had a couple of lovely dates, but due to his travelling for work, I have not seen him again. We do text every now and again to say hello. We’re friendly and he’s been supportive while I am dealing with my Mom being seriously ill right now.
I’m so glad I’ve started listening to what a guy says in those areas, and also watching what he does. Guys who aren’t interested in committing won’t call, won’t plan dates, won’t try to see you. It’s made dating less painful.
Also, I’m glad you pointed out that “in the moment” issue because we girls can probably all agree we HATE it when men say they’ll call and then bam….silence, but maybe you guys just say something in the moment because it feels good to say. So now, I just never believe a guy when he says he’ll call. Guys say it but actually DOING it is what I’ll pay attention to.
BetterDating 23
I totally agree with this article about paying attention to the negatives. However, I just got off the phone with my sister. Her boyfriend of 3 years has bought her an engagement ring and wants to get married. Oops…is this the same guy who told her up front that he was NEVER EVER going to get married again? Yep, that was him. Now he’s all about marrying her. So just when you think you have it all figured out…BOOM…you find out that it’s all just one big mystery.
lawyerette 24
Laya – I’ve heard that alternate advice as well, and I’ve heard it from men. I think both pieces of advice are true – they just don’t apply in the same situations. What Evan is talking about is when a guy SAYS to you something that basically means “I don’t want to be a in relationship with you.” What that other advice refers to is situations where the guy is not looking but would make a move for the right woman. I think the best advice is those situation is: continue to be cool, DON’T initiate anything, and DON’T have sex.
And don’t be afraid to enforce your boundaries with guys while you’re in that “cool” period. Men RESPECT women who have boundaries. I have a guy friend who is in a relationship but can get too flirty. When he does it, I tell him to knock it off and he complies. Deep down, a good guy knows that a woman who respects herself will not let him do certain things. If a guy doesn’t respect your boundaries, it’s a huge red flag to run.
Tara 25
Laya, Lily2
This idea
“how the woman acts determines much of whether or not a guy will stick around and make you his girlfriend! Ugh!”
Ugh indeed! To my mind, this has a LOT of potential for setting up a hoop jumping dynamic–
If he’s not declaring his everlasting love and speaking of the future with me, I must be the one doing something wrong.
If I do this, this and this, in just this way, then maybe, just maybe, I might win his love.
In addition, it can reinforce any dysfunctional childhood patterns, like the projection of self-loathing, low self-esteem/confidence, onto another, which can lead to both people getting caught in a cycle of enabling each other in playing a co-dependent/hold each other hostage game.
Ironically, this can also happen when a woman is ignoring the red flags in favor of chemistry, being the cool girl and hoping for something more in some non-existent future, setting a guy up to take advantage of her vulnerability and constantly raise the stakes.
Everybody has flaws, but I think that a lot of bs could be avoided if people would make the effort to grow up, get real with themselves, and be up front with prospective relationship partners from the beginning!
Karen 26
Wow, this article is a play-by-play of the relationship that just ended for me this week, pretty much exactly what happened! I have bought Evan’s e-book and plan to follow it into my next foray into the dating world.
Leesa 27
hi there
this website is so good for me. i feel like the lady who said that she ignored the red flags and an 18 month relationship took her 3 times that long to get over. i also wish i’d been able to read the red flags of somebody whom i’m still severely heartbroken over. how could i have been so stupid? how could i have let it go on for so long? i just couldn’t believe that i was the type of girl you would use. i thought … i’m not a pub slut etc. i thought i was lovable. but my friends tell me that maybe it is that he couldn’t love … at least if the relationship wasn’t entirely on his terms. so now he lives with the girl he took off with. and i’m glad i’m not her – now i understand what i’ve read on evan’s website. but it doesn’t make the emotional loss any less intense.
i think the stuff evan teaches should be taught to females as a compulsory subject in high school. i can’t believe i got to 40 without knowing this information … and i’m in a male dominated profession and thought i understood guys. anyway, i’m grateful evan has opened my eyes to how shitty guys think and act so that i hope i never have to feel like this again.
do any other women feel like they’re the only person in the world who has suffered this deeply with a broken heart? i feel like nobody feels as much pain as i’m going through over what happened (it ended 8 months ago and i was with him for only a year). but reading this website helps me realise that i’m not alone because there are other women who were as “blind” as me and that evan shows us how not to keep getting our heart broken with the wrong guys.
i’m enternally grateful.
Flower White 28
Yes I believe what men say and I listen very carefully which is why I haven’t had a boyfriend in over a year. I am amazed at how many men I’ve passed on due to listening/vetting. In the past I would have dated them and ended up the sad girlfriend of a hot tempered alcoholic.
Yes, indeed…believe the negatives. Sigh. A hot smart guy I’ve know for some time admitted that he had a nursed a crush on me in the past…good…but, my ears perked up when he freely admitted to being a tense and uptight person. He said it with a smile, with pride.
In the past I would have ignored that, wondering how in the hell did I end up with such a mean and cold man as my boyfriend?
This time, I tore up the business card of the hot, smart tense and uptight man because I believe the negatives.
Ann 29
What about when they give these little hints about not wanting a commited relationship but their actions say otherwise? Like calling every day, seeing you every weekend and often during the week, spending lots of money and refusing to let you pay for anything, doing it up big on b’day, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, not seeing anyone else or even looking at anyone else….
It gets very confusing.
justme 30
I’ve been thinking alot about this topic and here is my take: if they say they aren’t looking for anything but then do all the right things, believe they aren’t looking for anything right now. If they say they are looking for something and interested in you but then there is no action to back up their words, they aren’t looking for you.
Only believe it when their words AND their actions are consistent.
I think this applies to life not just dating.
Ann 31
Also confused about how this advice jibes with the “be open and positive to men” advice. Sounds like now this is saying to be closed to men who don’t say they’re completely into you right off the bat. But then we all know guys who say whatever just to lead you on. Which is why you aren’t open and positive toward just any and all guys to begin with–you want to see if they’re really into you or only into you if you’re “open” to whatever they have on their agenda.
Also, I think it’s funny how those guys who are “looking for something” but don’t back it up with actions come running once your status changes. Then they’re all hurt and suddenly you’re the one who got away.
I think it’s easier than all of this makes it out to be. Some people are truthful and have integrity in all aspects of their life and others don’t. As justme@30 points out.
Joe 32
@ Laya #16: As they say, timing is everything.
@ Sassafrass #21: Not all people are the same. Maybe she’s OK with the situation.
@ Ann #31: I don’t see any disconnect between the two pieces of Evan’s advice. Being open/positive, and being observant/sensible aren’t mutually exclusive.
Laya 33
Justme – I agree with your thought…that the actions should be aligned with what they say. I also think that at times guys don’t know what they want or think they don’t want a relationship but then fall in love. I think there are men who want a relationship but a girl can be a “good for now,” situation because they don’t see her as wife/girlfriend material. Complicated.
Kay 34
Evan, this is SPOT ON! When my 20 year marriage ended with my husband’s death, I re-entered the singles scene 2 years later, dating a friend for whom I had developed feelings. He was great “in the moment” on each of our 4 dates but I couldn’t ignore him both telling and hinting that he wasn’t ready, still getting over his ex, wanted us to be friends for now, bad timing… This was despite everything else being great when we were together. My desire for him made me want to continue but despite my relative inexperience at dating generally, I listened to my gut and ended it before it went any further. I am HUGELY proud of myself for avoiding all the pain that would have followed for sure. And had we continued, I would have had only myself to blame because he had always been honest about where he was at. I’m so grateful I didn’t ignore it…
Susie 35
I am interested to see what Evan has to say about Ann’s (#29) post. What about the man who is coming out of a 25 year marriage (the divorce not yet finalized, but definite) who says he can’t yet commit to anything? But ALL of his actions speak otherwise. He calls every day, is with me most days (all days not traveling for work), and otherwise treats me like a queen. He makes plans in advance, and has introduced me to his family and friends. Do you end a wonderful relationship because of his situation? I understand where he is coming from, because I also came out of a long term marriage. We are very compatible with similar life goals, kids the same age, etc. It’s great. I really hate the thought of giving that up!
Hope 36
I really do agree with the message of this post. I have dated a lot of guys who were hinters. For the longest time I didn’t get it. I kept trying to overanalyze what happened. But the common thread I found was every single one left hints. ALL of them. I got so wrapped up in my expectations and personal vision that I failed to see the red flags. I think a lot of guys don’t like to be confrontational so they drop hints. I may be wrong on this, but that’s been my observation.
To Ann (comment #29) I was in a similar situation once. The guy said he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, but acted like he wanted to be together. He would call and text all the time, bring gifts, always want to hang out, ect. But a couple months later I got frustrated with it because the actions weren’t matching his words. I came to the conclusion that he enjoyed my company and wanted to be a nice guy, but really didn’t want to be my boyfriend. It wasn’t that he was being malicious or anything, he liked the attention and the company. But I was looking for a more committed relationship. I let him know that and stopped being so available to answer calls and hang out. Yes, it sucked because I enjoyed his company and was very interested in him. But why spend all this time with a man who wasn’t willing to make a committment to me? He wasn’t going to change, and could I blame him? Here was a woman willing to give him all this time and energy and he didn’t have to make a committment to her. That was a pretty sweet deal for him. I had to be the one to stand firm if I wasn’t getting what I wanted because he wasn’t going to do it for me. I think in these kind of situations you have to decide if you’re okay with the status quo, or stand up for yourself and what you want, and be willing to walk, especially if a guy has dropped hints that he’s not going to give you what you want.
Again, really great post, and some really sound advice. Thank you, Evan!
Katarina Phang 37
Oooooh….Hope, your story is like mine and that’s behind the inspiration of my book.
I’ve been seeing this 8-year younger guy for 9 months, he’s not ready for relationship due to his life circumstances, yet he’s emotionally attached already.
I don’t know what will come out of this relationship but this is much better than many well-labeled relationships out there. And I will never regret anything. This has been the greatest personal growth to me since my split from my ex.
If he pursues you, I would suggest you to give him a chance. You might be surprised at what you’re going to learn or get from the experience. As long as you don’t invest any more than he does (I outline all of these in my book), you’ll be fine and mind you as long as you’re not official you can still date others if you’re so inclined.
The less you aim for commitment, the better it works. Men are extremely drawn to women who don’t pressure them.
Rochelle 38
Laya,, 16. yeah I’ve read that too, that a man can feel he is “unavailable” for a relationship and then the “right woman” comes along, he falls head over heels and it all goes out the door. I have seen it happen in real life as well. And I also agree with you that sometimes men don’t really know what they want. It doesn’t really dispute what EMK is saying so I think his view as well as RR and CC are all correct.
And I do think it can sometimes be timing. Similar to how sometimes friendships turn into relationships later on. If a guy who really wasn’t “ready” at the time began to feel on some level that a woman he was right for him, he would come back to her later when he realized it and just throw out the window what he was saying about not being ready–if the woman didn’t place that expectation on him. What happens most of the time though, as EMK says, is that a woman will ignore this man saying to her “I don’t want anything serious”, then expect it to be serious anyway because he acts sort of like a boyfriend and then get mad him for lying..when he really didn’t lie. There’s more of a chance that he’ll be “ready” for her if she doesn’t put that relationship expectation on him, doesn’t stick around and doesn’t keep being available to him, as if she’s already his girlfriend/wife.
Katarina Phang 39
I’m with Rochelle that guys in general aren’t always in tune with their emotions or know what they really want. The attitude with them is almost always “let’s play it by ear.” In fact I will go as far that these days in our age range, we should assume emotional unavailability when dating a guy until he proves otherwise.
Let me explain. Guys are gun shy about commitment unless they feel really compelled by a woman. They don’t respond too well when they are feeling cornered to say what they’re going to do with a particular woman only after a short time knowing her. A lot of women make that mistake by being pushy and impatient. It’s a turn off.
They are cautious, but to us it’s a sign of “emotional unavailability.” Most guys will fall under that category if we expect them to emote the way we do. There are many reasons why guys are cautious and it’s not because he’s not into her. One of the main reasons is their innate fear of losing their freedom since freedom is the highest currency for them to function in the competitive world in which they live.
This is why many guys are sooo okay to act like a bf, pursue a woman, call her everyday (like my guy) but they refuse to label the relationship. They’re obviously into her, they’re just not ready for whatever reason. They’re worried that as soon as the relationship is labeled, things change and she will demand and expect more.
Hedge your bet when dating this kind of guy but as long as he rows the boat, follow his lead. If he likes you that much, likelihood is he won’t let you go, especially when he attaches emotionally on you already. It’s emotional attraction that will keep a guy, each and every time.
Hope 40
To Katarina ( #37) you have some really excellent points and thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment and give your insight. I have to agree with you that guys don’t like pressure, and they especially don’t like to be pressured into committment if that’s not what they’re wanting. I feel my choice to let him go was based off of two main reasons. The first one was both he and I had been honest with what we were looking for and our wants and goals didn’t allign. When he met me he knew I was looking for a committed relationship. I met him online and my profile was very clear that my goal was to find a committed relationship. I also told him point blank when he asked me what I was looking for. In the course of the first couple dates he let me know he wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. Initially I ignored what he said, thought I could change his mind. Then I realized I was, once again, making that mistake of expecting him to change when that’s not really a fair expectation for me to have when he already made it clear he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. Even though he was a sweet guy, the entire relationship was on his terms. A relationship, whether committed or not, is about two people. I caught him several times on the same dating website we met on, so it would be foolish of me to assume he wasn’t talking to or dating other women. On the other hand, he became very envious whenever other men would speak to me. He became visibly angry once when a male waiter casually flirted with me even though I didn’t reciprocate the flirtation. Despite his attention, the gifts, and outings it was clear he had an expectation that he could date around while I needed to keep all of my attention on him. It felt like he had all the power and everything was on his terms.
This leads me to the second reason I ended things with him. I needed to make my quest for love about me. What does that mean? It means I cannot control anything outside of myself. I cannot control whether a guy committs to me or not, his expectations, and his actions. But what I can control is me and I realized I needed to work on me. There’s a deeper reason why I kept attracting all these guys that didn’t committ, and a lot of it was because not only was I attracting that through my own lack of self worth, but also I was putting up with it. Here I was, constantly picking up pebbles, hanging out with the pebbles, but then complaining that I wasn’t getting gold. I realized that I needed to be the best me I could be. I needed to love me, see my self worth, and radiate love out into the world. Until I saw myself as a source of love, confidence, and all these other great qualities I know I have I would be going around the same circle, expecting different results.
At the end of the day, it wasn’t so much the title of girlfriend I wanted as much as I wanted someone willing to be exclusive and committed. In my relationship with that guy the balance of power was all in his favor. He could date around, but he expected me to be exclusive to him. All the dates, phone calls, and interaction was on his terms. A relationship should have a better balance of power than that, at least the kind of relationship I want should. Yes, the attention was nice, but it wasn’t worth losing power over, and especially losing love for myself over. I felt like I was sacrificing all my wants for what he wanted. Basically he wanted me waiting in the wings, exclusive to him, for if and when he decided he was ready to settle for me. If he was looking for other women on the dating website then I clearly wasn’t what he wanted to committ to. I don’t want to be a woman a guy just settles for. Both he and I deserve better than that. Letting him go was a step of growth I needed to take for me. If he had been open to allowing me to also date around then maybe I wouldn’t have had to take such drastic action. But when it became a choice of either living in silent unhappiness and accepting his terms or moving on he choice was pretty clear.
Michelle 41
Hope, I love your thought process, self examination, honesty, courage and willingness to stick by what you want. If you know what you want, and you’re not getting it, move on–don’t waste precious time. When your energy and space is taken up by men who right out tell you they don’t want what you want or aren’t worthy of you like this man was, then the right man has no space to move forward to you. Believe me, when you and that man finally get together, you will see right away how differently he treats. Hang in there, it will happen!!
marymary 42
Michelle
I agree. I don’t have to think about whether he likes me, or who asks who out or who is calling who first or when or or how long, or whether I am his girlfriend or if we are committed or what men do or what women do, or if the moon is in Scorpio.
I know he loves me because of how he treats me and no man has treated me better. It’s not even about ”better”, it’s another country.
Not to render dating advice redundant, it is useful to have some touchstones and the no. 1 take away for me has been – ditch the lists. And be wary of alphas and of your “type”. If your type has never worked for you, maybe the universe is trying to tell you something.
And no. 2 – don’t ignore those red flags. I know women love to tell themselves and each other that their dynamic super hot sexiness and knowhow can bring any man to heel. When’s the last time you looked at Cheryl Cole, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Kylie, Jerry Hall (in her day and even now)? Are these women not hot enough or are they picking the wrong guys?
Hope 43
Michelle (comment #41) Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I have made a lot of mistakes in my dating life. I really empathize with what a lot of women are going through because I have been there too. I’m still learning a lot and growing personally. I really appreciate Evan’s honesty and I respect him as a positive force in the dating advice world for sure. For a long time I tended to play victim and put all the blame on the guys I dated. Truth was, I was expecting a guy to fix my life and be my source of happiness. No wonder I was constantly being disappointed! If a guy tried to put those same hefty expectations on me I probably would have run for the hills. In addition to reading Evan’s blog I have also been reading the blog here. Even if that guy and I never get back together, it’s okay. I feel confident now that I’m growing and taking care of me that eventually I will attract the right one for me.
Onward! 44
wow, this post rings true to my ears.
ME: “We have to stop this. You’re not over your ex.”
HIM: “You’re absolutely right. I’m not ready. I’m not in a good way.”
A month later he convinced me he was ready:
HIM: “Be my girlfriend! I love you. You make me happy. You have to take risks for love.”
Sure enough, four months later he tells me he needs time to himself!
Cat5 45
“So if most men have a measure of integrity and won’t straight-out lie to you about whether they love you or are seeing other women, what do they usually do?
They hint.
Natalie’s guy is a hinter – telling her all the reasons she should stay away from him after sleeping with him – all because he’s a decent guy who wants to feel that he gave her fair warning.
I did the exact same thing when I was single, and I’m POSITIVE you’ve had it happen to you as well.
The guy you’re seeing says some version of “I don’t know if I’m ready for a committed relationship right now”, and you act like he never said it at all.
Then in 6 months, when you’re still just “seeing” him and want to know where things are going, he says, “I TOLD you I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend.”
He feels he’s covered his ass. You feel that he’s lied. But he hasn’t. He just didn’t INSIST that you run away from him. You took your chances and you lost.”
Apparently, definitions of integrity, decent, and lies differ significantly.
IMO, a good and decent person with integrity does not use another person for his/her own emotional, financial, or physical benefit, while making statements to cover his/her ass or pussy-footing around, and saying, ”But, I told you how I am. I didn’t lie. You knew.” That is questionable/sketchy behavior.
When a good and decent person realizes he/she wants different things out of the relationship from the other person, he/she does the right thing, and breaks up with said other person. He/she does not use/string the other person along for his/her own benefit.
Evan Marc Katz 46
Cat5, it must be exhausting to blame men for all your relationship woes. Please read this article and let us know the answer to the below question:
Is it the man’s fault when a woman completely ignores that he’s making no effort to be a boyfriend? Or is it the woman’s?
I’m pretty sure you think it’s the man’s fault for not having integrity. But since you can’t control what men do, what CAN you control?
You guessed it.