Can A Broken Heart Help You Get Your Ex Back?
In the recent book “Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?: And Other Reflections on Being Human”, research psychologist Jesse Bering examines the neurochemistry of heartbreak.
He offers a scientific anatomy of heartbreak, citing the work of biological anthropologist Helen Fisher:
There are two main stages associated with a dead and dying romantic relationship, which is so often tied to one partner’s infidelities. During the ‘protest’ stage that occurs in the immediate aftermath of rejection, ‘abandoned lovers are generally dedicated to winning their sweetheart back. They obsessively dissect the relationship, trying to establish what went wrong; and they doggedly strategize about how to rekindle the romance. Disappointed lovers often make dramatic, humiliating, or even dangerous entrances into a beloved’s home or place of work, then storm out, only to return and plead anew. They visit mutual haunts and shared friends. They phone, e-mail, and write letters, pleading, accusing, and/or trying to seduce their abandoner.’
This is also known as the “Get Your Ex Back Delusion”.
I have clients who spend months going through what Fisher describes below, following the protest of lost love:
This impassioned protest stage — if it proves unsuccessful in reestablishing the romantic relationship — slowly disintegrates into the second stage of heartbreak, what Fisher refers to as ‘resignation/despair,’ in which the rejected party gives up all hope of ever getting back together. ‘Drugged by sorrow,’ writes Fisher, ‘most cry, lie in bed, stare into space, drink too much, or hole up and watch TV.’ At the level of the brain, overtaxed dopamine-making cells begin sputtering out, causing lethargy and depression.
I’m not saying that couples that break up NEVER get back together and live happily ever after. I am saying that MOST couples who break up do so for a reason.
I’ve been there, but I recall having a different take on how to get better. When my girlfriend broke up with me in 2004, I went home with tears still wet on my face, and activated my JDate profile. Was I emotionally ready to date? No. Was I going to let my ex ruin my next six months by crawling into a hole? HELL NO!
But the most surprising part of Fisher’s theory – and the least supported part – is that there is an evolutionary adaptive function to being sad: it makes your ex feel sad, too.
When you watch someone you care about (but no longer feel any real long-term or sexual desire to be with) suffer in such ways, it can be difficult to fully extricate yourself from a withered romance. If I had to guess — in the absence of any studies that I’m aware of to support this claim — I’d say that a considerable amount of genes have replicated in our species solely because, with our damnable social cognitive abilities, we just don’t have the heart to break other people’s hearts.
Yeah, that’s true. And it’s why sad, broken couples get back together multiple times, even though they’re ill-fated. I’m not saying that couples that break up NEVER get back together and live happily ever after. I am saying that MOST couples who break up do so for a reason. And that sadness/guilt/inertia/fear/sunk costs usually bring people back, only to find the the same problems still exist in the relationship. To read more from this book, click here. And please, share your thoughts below about the wisdom of getting back together with an ex.
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
40 Comments »Filed Under Letting Go
Kathleen 1
Interesting article! I love to read anything written by Helen Fisher She has a couple of TED talks you can find on the net that are very fascinating to listen to re Love and the brain.
Heather 2
That’s an interesting article.
For me, especially if the guys were the ones ending things with me, I did several things. One: never let them see me cry. NEVER. I wasn’t going to give them that satisfaction. I sucked it up, sucked it in, and kept a level, calm head and would not rise to any bait. Two: if there was contact post-breakup, they never heard if I was hurting. Everything was fine, work was challenging, my friends are wonderful and I’m spending time with them. It was all about pride. My Mom once told me that if a guy dumped me, to leave them with a smile, never give them the satisfaction of seeing you cry. I never begged or pleaded. Once it was over, it was over. I’d immediately delete their contact info, unfriend or block them on Facebook, get rid of pictures or sentimental items.
As far as the getting back with your ex is concerned, maybe I’m odd, but the way I see it, ESPECIALLY if the guy rejects me, is that I will not go back to an ex. Ever. I got hurt once, who’s to say that they won’t do that to me again? As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I’d prefer to get over the ex, move on, and find someone else who will not hurt me. I don’t want to always be wondering if this guy will leave again. No thanks.
But that’s just my take on things. I believe in grieving out of the sight of an ex, getting out with my friends and on my own, and then pulling up my big girl panties and getting on with my life. Letting them know that they hurt me, usually will do nothing but inflate that ego, and I ain’t about to go there!
Fiona 3
I can only speak from personal experience but three times I had my heart broken where I was hurt, the guy came back, I gave him a second chance and I was left again a few months later feeling even worse so I think taking exes back is a bad move because I am still going to be me and if someone could leave me once, they could again. I admire Evan’s approach of getting right back out there although after my most recent break up six weeks ago I’ve found it hard. Still, in the past I’ve had months of sadness and it doesn’t change anything so best to get out there. I know he already has.
Selena 4
I find it interesting that you went home an activated your profile immediately after a break up instead of taking any time to grieve. It may be a generalization, but I’ve always thought men had an easier time with breakups because they were ready to find a replacement right away. And out there hitting up possibilities ASAP.
Contrast to women, (again generalizing) who don’t want to meet another guy for some time after a breakup.
I once got involved with a man 2 mos. after a partnership ended. It was a distraction somewhat, but being with that guy just made me miss my ex more. Adding to, rather than allievating depression.
Kate 5
I just got broken up with 2 months ago by a guy I had known through friends for many years. He had a crush all that time, asked me out and we dated happily for 4 months. Then he ended stating he didn’t see it going anywhere. I feel guilty because I defriended him on Facebook. It was a mature break up and now I feel petty for defriending what was an old friend. I have parking sticker to return to him and I was going to explain why I defriended him. I’m not mad I was just hurt when he posted photos of the party I planned for him and do not want to continue to see things like that. He broke up with me before his 40th.The letter is short and sweet and wishes him well.
Heather 6
@ Fiona,
That’s what happened to me, many years ago. I dated two ex-boyfriends, and what did I learn? I learned…..wait for it……they hadn’t changed. They didn’t grow up and change like they told me and swore to me that they had.
So now, if an ex ever comes back into my life, which almost never happens, I just say, no. It was a breakup because we were BROKEN. I need to find someone I can create a whole, healthy, new relationship with.
My guy has a cousin who’s dating a man who rejected her once, and I really am fearful that he’ll reject her again. I’ve kept my peace since it’s none of my business and thus far, he’s treating her well, but I just can’t help thinking, he’s done it once, he may do it again. Why would anybody want to put themselves in that position?
Selena 7
Kate, defriending him on FB means sparing yourself seeing pic’s and updates on his page you don’t need to see right now while you’re getting over him. You don’t have to feel guilty for protecting yourself from that.
Julia 8
@Kate I don’t think you were in the wrong for deleting him, ending all contact is probably the best way to deal with being rejected.
As for the original article, the reminds me of my brother’s ex-girlfriend so much. They’ve broken up about 5 times in the past 2 1/2 years, most recently in May. She does everything to stay part of our lives, she’s even become really close with our cousin’s (my brother’s best friend) wife and her two sisters. Which means, if there is a party she is there. He is considering getting back together with her because she is wearing him down and it makes him feel like a monster. I told him to stop taking her calls and responding to her texts.
Fiona 9
Heather, I also now have that attitude. When someone walks out of the door, there is no way back.
Kate, I have also been there. You are doing nothing wrong and you can’t move on if you are still Facebook friends. That way lies madness! Maybe one day in the future when you have both moved on.
Heather 10
@ Julia
I’m with you. I had one guy try to get back together with me after I dumped him for lying to me about an undisclosed criminal record, until 2 months after we started dating. I made it clear that I wanted no contact. I erased his number. He continued to contact me about 3-4 more times. Each time I just said, “C, I believe I made myself clear that this is over, I am moving on and am now seeing other people. I would appreciate it if you would respect my space.” It actually nauseated me to hear him begging me to come back.
That kind of situation really impressed upon me further that it is way beneath me to beg, cry, and plead when a relationship is over. Whenever I’d get tempted to do so if a relationship ended, I’d think, Heather, remember that old country song that says, “I’ve got pride, I’m taking it for a ride….” I don’t want to look back and cringe, remembering that I was grovelling for a man’s love, and lowering myself like that.
If a man doesn’t want me, then fine. There’s the door. It’s not a revolving door though so once he goes through it, he’s not allowed to come back. He’s allowed to come back and apologize if he behaved badly, but then back out that door he goes, because I don’t want a man who’s rejected me.
Mia 11
Heather, I’m impressed with your backbone! I wish I could be more like that. In may, when it became clear a guy I had been going out with once a week for two months was pulling the slow fade, I called him up crying and threw a bit of a tantrum over the rejection. It’s horrifying and humiliating to even think about today, but I just flipped because I had been the perfect, mirroring, no pressure girl the whole time and keeping in all my frustrations culminated in an explosion. It has since become a real turning point. I now pay significantly more attention to how a man is treating me, am holding off longer on sex to protect myself emotionally, and am willing to walk if the guy doesn’t make the appropriate effort. Every time Im tempted to do otherwise, I just remember that pleading, crying girl and think, dear God, that is never going to be me again.
Hope 12
Ha! Marketing-savvy book title. Interesting article.
The two stages of heartbreak outlined by the author seem to me to be a concise repackaging of the “Five Stages of Loss and Grief” outlined in most Psychology 101 courses. Makes sense…heartbreak is certainly an experience of loss and grief.
Fisher’s theory about the evolutionary adaptive function to being sad, though, fails to convince me. Seems counterintuitive.
As to whether getting back together with an ex is a good idea: no, no. no! If it ended once, it will end again. That is my experience.
Paula 13
@ Heather
I can’t agree with you more about how to handle yourself after you have been rejected by a guy.
It may be hurting very badly inside but showing that you have high self esteem and are a classy lady is the only way to handle the situation.
The last time this happened to me - he pressed his reset button and acted as if nothing had happened about 2 months after he dumped me - he started contacting me again. The only thing I did differently to you was that I didn’t respond to any of his phone calls, emails and texts and he eventually went away.
It was hard at first but no contact of any kind with the ex for several months after the breakup gave me the time and space to become a lot more objective about the the reality of the ’relationship’ I thought I had, and after the initial shock wore off I found that I wasn’t interested in him anymore.
If he/she has rejected you there must be a reason that is important to them why they have decided not to keep seeing you anymore. We have all dumped other people when we don’t want to keep going out with them and rarely tell them the real reason why because we don’t want to hurt their feelings any more. Most people have enough pride to let go and move on. Why would you want to hang on and keep being rejected over and over again? I’ve been there, done that and will never do that again.
valleyforgelady 14
Any guy who dumped me in the past was doing the right thing. They always were wrong for me! Always. When I wanted them back it due to an blow to the ego…not a loss to a true love.
I just had a former guy contact me today to tell he was available again. He wanted to know if I wanted to do a casual dinner or movie. This guy dumped me for a woman with an Ivy League degree and two houses. It was obvious from his comments that he is still a jerk and I said that I found him offensive and self centered. He said he was surprised that he remembered that I was at one time very interested in him. I did not respond…..I now know that he is a jerk.
Women need to learn that a break up is usually a sign that both parties are dodging a bullet. The bad boys return for the ego gratification of hurting you again. That is why they are bad boys!
Kim 15
A breakup happens for a reason. What is important to know is that some hurt more than others, but they all hurt more if the rejection happens to us first. And when it happens to us first, our pride, and the loss of a friend, hurts most of all.
Zann 16
Several years ago, someone on this site posted a little gem in the comments section about her approach to dealing with the issue of no-contact after a breakup. It was something like this: “When a man breaks up with me, as far as he is concerned, I HAVE LEFT THE PLANET.” No calls, no texts, no emails, no cute cards, no excuses like having to return something he left at your place. Please.
In my book, loss is loss & grief is grief. And everyone handles it differently and it always sucks. For me, it’s important that I be brutally honest with myself when I feel myself slipping into that never-never land of “negotiating” with reality, re-analyzing what he might REALLY have meant when he said he’d fallen out of love with me…when I know damn well he meant exactly what he said.
Most important for me, though, is to resist the WHY of why he left, because it’s so cruelly and unquestionable irrelevant. It only matters that the relationship is over, for better or worse, & the only thing left to do is to take care of myself, be kind to myself, and as much as possible, don’t look back. Of course, it does help if you haven’t humiliated yourself in the midst of the breakup…pleading, crying, wine-infused calls to him late at night, the rants, the bargaining…. So, if you can manage to just walk away, or hang up, with as little fanfare as possible, the better you’re going to feel about yourself later and the closer you are to moving ahead to wherever your life is supposed to be heading next….with him in the rearview mirror. You know what they say — fake it til you make it.
P.S. But just in case you don’t manage to handle the breakup scene too smoothly, say maybe you bawled your eyes out & your nose ran, as well as your mascara, or you threw your keys at him & then had to go retrieve them from under a couch or table so you could stomp out of the restaurant, pushing furiously on the exit door only to realize it opens in. Even then, it’s still okay. The important thing is he’s out of the picture. He can think whatever he wants, you can’t control that. And it doesn’t matter anyway, you’re on a new planet.
Ruby 17
I’ve certainly known people who have successfully gotten back together with an ex. However, I have not been one of them, because the person either had the same problems, or their way of relating to me had not changed. But it depends on the situation. If someone ends a relationship mainly due to issues outside of the relationship, it could work out later. In most of the instances I can think of, there was some passage of time involved, also. However, begging and pleading with one’s ex is just about the last thing that anyone should do, and I’ve always been told that it only serves to drive the other person even further away.
Everyone needs to take some time to grieve. Time and space gives perspective. Hopping back on an online dating site immediately after a breakup has more to do with an “I’ll show her!” mentality, rather an actual readiness to connect with someone new.
Heather 18
@ Mia:
What helped me develop the backbone I have now, is LOTS of good therapy by a wonderful therapist, who taught me that yes, I AM strong. I’m not the weakling idiot my ex husband made sure to tell me I was. I grew stronger because of his rejection. Like the Kelly Clarkson song says, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely, when I’m alone….”
I once was a weak victim and did the humiliating crap that I see people doing at the end of a relationship. But now, I hold my head up. When my momma’s boy ex boyfriend came over for the last time to bring things of mine that were at his place, and I returned his key, he made some kind of apology and I just said, “Well S, you did what you had to do…” in a very detached, calm manner. He couldn’t see on the inside that I was distraught, hurt, and most of all, FURIOUS at him. I would not give him that kind of satisfaction. I looked like a pillar of ice.
I’m one very stubborn lady and I won’t give a man a second chance to just reject me all over again. Oh sure, might he have truly grown up or changed? Perhaps. But I won’t let my heart take that chance again. It is too precious and valuable to just give to someone who hurt me once already. To me, that is pure foolishness. And I’d rather be sane and single, not worrying that the guy might pull another runner, than having that guy back, and always looking over my shoulder. No. Way.
Carrie 19
Does anyone understand why it is beneficial to feel heartbroken about breaking up with someone with whom you should not have a relationship? If so, please explain that.
Karmic Equation 20
My last ex (of 6 years) went the pleading, bribing, convincing, guilting route to try to convince me to give him another chance.
His drama was a total turnoff such that if had i entertained any thoughts of getting back with him, he killed those thoughts with his behavior.
I thought more about him when he stopped contacting than I ever did while he was trying to get me back.
The one time I was dumped I was actually an emotional mess. The weird part was that the guy who dumped me was the one guy I didn’t love, so it didn’t make sense to me when I couldn’t stop crying.
Truth be told, I thought this guy was kind of a loser and I had made up my mind to break up with him “in June” … but he beat me to the punch in January. So my emotional mess (I cried for a week and didn’t eat and lost 10 lbs) — was all because I couldn’t face the fact that a LOSER dumped ME! My ego didn’t like the thought that that made ME a DOUBLE LOSER!! OMG I laughed so hard at myself when I finally faced this. Lesson learned was not to date losers.
Amy 21
Keep teaching what you do, Evan, your words are liberating and bring some play into the picture! Danke!
Karmic Equation 22
@Carrie
I can’t explain it, but I think this blogger does a great job. Not necessarily why it’s beneficial to be “heartbroken” but rather beneficial to be “rejected”… http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/06/get-used-to-rejection.html
Heather 23
@ Karmic Equation:
That’s a good blog post, I liked that. Although I think the blogger needed to qualify that with “rejected gracefully.” I think we can all agree it’s easier to be dumped if it’s done properly, done in person if at all possible, gently, and with grace and tact. It will still suck, no matter what, but to at least be treated like you’re worth some dignity and respect, makes it easier.
I’ve been told “thank you but no thank you” nicely and with great tact, a few times, and it definitely made a difference, as opposed to a guy just disappearing, or worse, being dumped on Facebook (which has happened to me). That kind of behavior was infuriating and made it more tempting to pull that cringe-worthy behavior, having a tantrum, etc. Luckily I pulled my anger in check and walked away from my keyboard before emailing the now-ex, and asked him to please return my things, since he now considers himself single. I kept reminding myself that I would not give him fuel for the fire and give his Mom more reason to say, “See son? I told you she wasn’t good enough.” I wanted to know I could look back on this and be proud of myself, not ashamed of myself.
Karmic Equation 24
@ Heather
and actually is a better answer to Carrie’s original question:
Yeah, I like his posts. He’s fair but doesn’t mince words.
Not sure if you clicked the link at the bottom of his post, but it linked to his OLDER post, which I think puts rejection in an even better light
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/01/why-rejection-is-good-thing.html
miskwa 25
Carrie: I think the benefit to being heartbroken is that it HURTS and you are going to learn how to avoid situations and types of folks that are going to hurt you like that again. The lethargy, etc that goes along with heartbreak makes you take time to regroup and heal.
In my experience, folks that simply re-activate their profiles, look for rebounds, etc. never learn the lessons they needed to learn and simply make the same mistakes over and over. Lessons I have learned are ambiguous and hot/cold behavior=run like hell, NOW! Disrespect of your lifestyle and values=Ditto. The “I am off the Planet” analogy is great but is really hard if you live in a small town. I have one “problem child” at work, and another just down the hill from work that I must drive by. “Avoid romantic anything with anyone within a 20 mile radius of you” might be a good lesson. All but one of my breakups needed to happen. Usually the guy had something else going on that he wasnt up front about such as someone else in his life. Game over and no being friends, ever. When my partner of 12 years and I broke up, it wasnt that we no longer loved one another, it was because I had to take a job across the country. We remain friends to this day
Dina 26
Wow Heather, very well said
Lucy 27
Well I know someone who broke up with her man after he got involved with another women. If that wasn’t bad enough, he purposefully scratched his car and called up the police to try and pin it on her! And yet she has initiated a facebook friendship with him again. Personally I would not want to be friends with someone who disrespected me in that way. So best to evaluate yourself in a break-up otherwise your future romantic life will follow the same narrative and you’ll never move on.
An exception would be if you broke up due to circumstances that lie outside of the relationship. Then there would be a chance that you could get back together and it might work out. Otherwise, it would be insane to go back to a situation where it didn’t work out before.
Heather 28
@ Dina,
Why, thank you!
@ Karmic Equation:
Yes, I read alot of his older posts after you had posted the first link, my weekend was slow so I had some time to do some reading! I really liked what he had to say. I’m not sure I agree with everything he said, but he had a lot of good points. Rejection has taught me much, in the last six years, and I”ve learned to hold my head up when a guy would reject me. I learned that it’s not about me; it’s about them. I learned to look at the situation, figure out how to better weed out the hurtful ones, and move on. To not look nor sound like a lost puppy. And it’s worked. I actually had one or two men from my distant past tell me later, “I saw how strong you were/are and how you’ve moved on, and I would think that maybe I made a mistake, letting you go.” That is what I want to keep on doing. I don’t ever want to give a man any excuse to go, “Wow, yeah I’m SO glad I dumped her ass.” I can only think of one guy who probably might think that, but that’s only because I called him out and told his friends, when they asked me what had happened, that his Mom had made him break up with me. He was just angry that the truth had come out.
Fusee 29
@Karmic Equation #22/24:
I second Heather: thank you for the links. It’s another very good blog.
@ Heather #28:
I did the same : ) and spent a good amount of time this week-end reading some of his old posts. Some of them are a solid confirmation of the validity of my outlook on dating and relationships.
AllenB 30
I actually had one or two men from my distant past tell me later, “I saw how strong you were/are and how you’ve moved on, and I would think that maybe I made a mistake, letting you go.” That is what I want to keep on doing. ”
If you have let go and moved on, then why does it matter how they reacted? You should not care at all, right? Holding your head up is maintaining your sense of self worth, even though it stings. Holding your head up is part of bigger journey to getting to where rejection just doesn’t even matter. Practice to reach the point where it doesn’t even sting anymore. That doesn’t mean being numb to pain, it means being in a place where it doesn’t even cause pain.
I learned that it’s not about me; it’s about them.
Sort of. It is really about that particular relationship not working for them as they experience it. A relationship is something that exists between two separate people, and each person creating that relationship has their own perception and experience of it. Those men got out because that experience was not working for them anymore. You have input into the relationship but little control into how they experience/perceive it and none at all in how they balance it against everything else in their in their lives. All that rolled together is what leads to their decision each person makes every moment to stay in a relationship, or to leave it (even if it is just for a short while).
Joe 31
Is there no one else out there who remains friends with their exes?
Ruby 32
Joe #31
You can be civil and you don’t have to hate each other, but I think it’s very tough to truly be friends with an ex. Maybe after a lot of time has passed, and usually after one or both of you have moved on to other people, it might be possible. Otherwise, it’s not very self-protective to be friends with someone who just broke your heart. It’s too easy to get your hopes for reconciliation up, and harder to move on. If the relationship was brief or not very serious, it’s definitely easier.
Fusee 33
@Joe #31: “Is there no one else out there who remains friends with their exes?”
Not me : )
When it’s over, it’s over. “Thank you, good bye, and have a good life!”
I cultivate friendships with women and keep my “male friendship energy” for building the friendship-based relationship foundation with the future husband. No time for exes, no time for other men either, unless they are gay. First I have enough solid and loyal female friends that I do not need male friends who can’t anyway provide the level of understanding and care that women do. Secondly I want my future husband to trust me 100%, and for that purpose there is nothing more effective than clear actions: no exes and “male friendships” that in 99% of the time are at best about an ego boost/stroke, or in the worse case about some vague hope for easy sex.
Ruby 34
I also have found that whenever an ex wanted to be friends, it wasn’t really simple friendship that he wanted, but more like the chance for friends with benefits, or a backup plan in case his new forays into dating didn’t work out. And if the ex gets a new girlfriend, he will make himself scarce pretty quickly.
Nicole 35
@Selena, I don’t think Evan’s reaction to getting dumped was gender specific b/c I have female friends who do the same thing. One of my friends got divorced and was totally back online ASAP and even telling dates that she was raw from the divorce but she was determined to find a new partner as soon as possible.
And I know guys who have been hung up on exes for AGES. A male friend just deactivated his FB profile b/c he said he couldn’t stop looking at the ex’s page (b/c that person had moved on and started dating again immediately).
It really is just personality. Some of us need to mope and be alone, some of us want to jump into the game and find a replacement. I think both are forms of grieving and if you can find someone who doesn’t mind either taking it slow or being a rebound, then go for it.
I do think that the people, male or female, who jump back into the fray while still smarting are more likely to accept the fact that it is over and they don’t need to be with the ex (which is usually correct), whereas people who stay alone and mope are kind of hoping for the person to come back.
Karmic Equation 36
@Joe #31
(before and after he married her) but I never spoke to him again after the breakup. Not because I was bitter, but rather because I felt he didn’t deserve my friendship.
I’m still friendly with my ex-husband. The divorce was amicable and we didn’t have any children together. Part of the reason my marriage disintegrated was because we really had no passion for each other, so staying friends was not a chore nor required any special coping skills.
I’m no longer in contact with any ex-bfs though. We were the best of friends while together. But once no longer in a relationship it made sense to let go and move on. I’m actually friendly with one of my ex’s wife
If my other exes contacted me (other than the most recent ex) I would still talk to them and possibly become friends with them. But I suspect their wives (assuming they’re married now, I have no idea) would probably not be too keen on that
Lucy 37
I have no interest in being friends with an ex. If they’re not good enough for me to date, how can they be good enough to have as a friend? I’ve never seen a man pursue friendship with an ex either. They’re usually so coolly detached, that it’s as if you have never existed and that your relationship with them never happened.
Goldie 38
Fairly new to this, but I have to admit I don’t understand the breaking up in person rule. First of all, he needs to arrange the meeting, right? So he texts, emails or calls: “We’ve got to talk. Meet me at Dave&Buster’s eight hours from now. I’ll bring your things.” The way I see it, by doing this, he has dumped you TWICE in one day — once via text/email and once again in person — not only that, but you’re going to spend your whole day dreading that meeting at Dave&Buster’s. There’s got to be a better way.
Agree about the no-contact part, which to me includes defriending on Facebook — no contact means I don’t want to see his updates and photos, don’t want him to see mine, and, for the time being, don’t trust myself not to peek even if I hide his updates from myself. I just tell people, I’ve defriended you, no hard feelings, this isn’t personal, it’s a part of my 12-step recovery process. One time, after a year, I felt like I should add the guy back, because, before we dated, we’d been friends for ten years. So I contacted him, we talked about it, and added each other back. By that point we were both completely over each other.
I do not mind being friends with exes, or my SO being friends with his exes — it just usually doesn’t work out because there are only 24 hours in a day. People just don’t have time to hang out with someone they used to date way back when. Other than that, being friends is okay in my book. However, before getting back to being friends, there has to be a cooling period of no contact. You both need some time to make sure you’re over each other, and that you both truly want to be friends, rather than using friendship as an excuse to get back together.
Re getting totally back online on the same day you were dumped — I did the exact same thing when I got harshly dumped last year. Opened an account on a new site, scheduled three dates over the next three days, the works. Well I was not ready. Two of the three dates went badly, I called Monday date’s guy by Tuesday date’s guy’s name, and was all around not having a good time. After a week or so, I was ready to meet new people and hang out, but nothing serious. Took me a month or so before I could even consider anything serious. Of course, I got off the site with my current bf three months after I opened that account, so I guess I came around pretty quickly. Just not on the same day. I need some time to lick my wounds.
Sandy 39
The ex/friendship question…. I think if the breakup was painful, very cold hearted or there was something that happened that was deceptive in some form then this person does not deserve the privilege of having you as a friend. Actually even if it was amicable the desire has never been there for me personally to remain friends after. A friend is someone I talk to often, hang out with and partake in fun activities, who brings joy and positive energy into my life and um I won’t be doing any of that with the ex and they surely will not be bringing positive energy or joy. I do have a couple of men I have dated on my FB page, but we never call and chit chat we are just cordial with one another. I believe your energy/time should be spent on/with those who value you and whom you value. I also keep in mind for the next guy how uncomfortable it could feel to deal with that situation of an ex hanging/lingering around. Well that’s my two cents…
Costadelmar 40
I recently got out of a 1 & 1/2 year relationship with my GF. We started dating about 6 months after my divorce, we have a lot in common. We still love each other very much but little things kept adding up and we would wind up being on again off again. Finally last weekend she came by my house to pick up her stuff. There were some outside forces mainly my friends against her and I dating from the start (well ex friends now) when we posted our relationship status on FB one of the last of our soon to be ex friends mad a rude comment which culminated with me and my ex deleting her on FB as well. The truth is we love each other very much but we know we’re causing too much pain bc of our arguments. We’re both very attractive and I’ll miss the compliments we get when we’re out and about. We both love each others kids, but we have to move on. My ex made the statement that at least we tried to keep our relationship going to which I replied we did and that means something. It was a mutual seperation on both our parts and I vowed to give her space (& me to heal) she contacted me the first 3 or 4 days each day via email after the break up. I responded but never initiated contact. The first time we broke up (about one year into the relationship) was the hardest emotional experience I ever went through, her too we were both devistated. We did try to make it work but it didn’t. It’s hard not to go to her FB page to see what she’s up too, I have been limiting what I post bc I know she’s going to mine, we still ‘like’ certain posts from one another. Truth is even though it’s difficult right now, I want her in my life she’s a truly caring honest person and a great friend. Maybe this wouldn’t work for most people but it’s working for us. We’re staying strong and not going to date again but know that we want each other in our lives once we’ve healed. You meet special people very rarely, There’s no anomosity between us we just realized ‘we’ as a couple were’nt working we both can tend to be a little selfish, but we know we care about each other enough that we want to remain friends. So it can happen me, case in point.