Comments on: Can A Broken Heart Help You Get Your Ex Back?

By: Costadelmar

Costadelmar — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 14:13:24 +0000

I recently got out of a 1 & 1/2 year relationship with my GF. We started dating about 6 months after my divorce, we have a lot in common. We still love each other very much but little things kept adding up and we would wind up being on again off again. Finally last weekend she came by my house to pick up her stuff. There were some outside forces mainly my friends against her and I dating from the start (well ex friends now) when we posted our relationship status on FB one of the last of our soon to be ex friends mad a rude comment which culminated with me and my ex deleting her on FB as well. The truth is we love each other very much but we know we’re causing too much pain bc of our arguments. We’re both very attractive and I’ll miss the compliments we get when we’re out and about. We both love each others kids, but we have to move on. My ex made the statement that at least we tried to keep our relationship going to which I replied we did and that means something. It was a mutual seperation on both our parts and I vowed to give her space (& me to heal) she contacted me the first 3 or 4 days each day via email after the break up. I responded but never initiated contact. The first time we broke up (about one year into the relationship) was the hardest emotional experience I ever went through, her too we were both devistated. We did try to make it work but it didn’t. It’s hard not to go to her FB page to see what she’s up too, I have been limiting what I post bc I know she’s going to mine, we still ‘like’ certain posts from one another. Truth is even though it’s difficult right now, I want her in my life she’s a truly caring honest person and a great friend. Maybe this wouldn’t work for most people but it’s working for us. We’re staying strong and not going to date again but know that we want each other in our lives once we’ve healed. You meet special people very rarely, There’s no anomosity between us we just realized ‘we’ as a couple were’nt working we both can tend to be a little selfish, but we know we care about each other enough that we want to remain friends. So it can happen me, case in point.

By: Sandy

Sandy — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 21:01:50 +0000

The ex/friendship question…. I think if the breakup was painful, very cold hearted or there was something that happened that was deceptive in some form then this person does not deserve the privilege of having you as a friend. Actually even if it was amicable the desire has never been there for me personally to remain friends after. A friend is someone I talk to often, hang out with and partake in fun activities, who brings joy and positive energy into my life and um I won’t be doing any of that with the ex and they surely will not be bringing positive energy or joy. I do have a couple of men I have dated on my FB page, but we never call and chit chat we are just cordial with one another. I believe your energy/time should be spent on/with those who value you and whom you value. I also keep in mind for the next guy how uncomfortable it could feel to deal with that situation of an ex hanging/lingering around. Well that’s my two cents…

By: Goldie

Goldie — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 19:21:53 +0000

Fairly new to this, but I have to admit I don’t understand the breaking up in person rule. First of all, he needs to arrange the meeting, right? So he texts, emails or calls: “We’ve got to talk. Meet me at Dave&Buster’s eight hours from now. I’ll bring your things.” The way I see it, by doing this, he has dumped you TWICE in one day — once via text/email and once again in person — not only that, but you’re going to spend your whole day dreading that meeting at Dave&Buster’s. There’s got to be a better way.

Agree about the no-contact part, which to me includes defriending on Facebook — no contact means I don’t want to see his updates and photos, don’t want him to see mine, and, for the time being, don’t trust myself not to peek even if I hide his updates from myself. I just tell people, I’ve defriended you, no hard feelings, this isn’t personal, it’s a part of my 12-step recovery process. One time, after a year, I felt like I should add the guy back, because, before we dated, we’d been friends for ten years. So I contacted him, we talked about it, and added each other back. By that point we were both completely over each other.

I do not mind being friends with exes, or my SO being friends with his exes — it just usually doesn’t work out because there are only 24 hours in a day. People just don’t have time to hang out with someone they used to date way back when. Other than that, being friends is okay in my book. However, before getting back to being friends, there has to be a cooling period of no contact. You both need some time to make sure you’re over each other, and that you both truly want to be friends, rather than using friendship as an excuse to get back together.

Re getting totally back online on the same day you were dumped — I did the exact same thing when I got harshly dumped last year. Opened an account on a new site, scheduled three dates over the next three days, the works. Well I was not ready. Two of the three dates went badly, I called Monday date’s guy by Tuesday date’s guy’s name, and was all around not having a good time. After a week or so, I was ready to meet new people and hang out, but nothing serious. Took me a month or so before I could even consider anything serious. Of course, I got off the site with my current bf three months after I opened that account, so I guess I came around pretty quickly. Just not on the same day. I need some time to lick my wounds.

By: Lucy

Lucy — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 08:34:14 +0000

I have no interest in being friends with an ex. If they’re not good enough for me to date, how can they be good enough to have as a friend? I’ve never seen a man pursue friendship with an ex either. They’re usually so coolly detached, that it’s as if you have never existed and that your relationship with them never happened.

By: Karmic Equation

Karmic Equation — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 15:40:42 +0000

@Joe #31

I’m still friendly with my ex-husband. The divorce was amicable and we didn’t have any children together. Part of the reason my marriage disintegrated was because we really had no passion for each other, so staying friends was not a chore nor required any special coping skills.

I’m no longer in contact with any ex-bfs though. We were the best of friends while together. But once no longer in a relationship it made sense to let go and move on. I’m actually friendly with one of my ex’s wife (before and after he married her) but I never spoke to him again after the breakup. Not because I was bitter, but rather because I felt he didn’t deserve my friendship.

If my other exes contacted me (other than the most recent ex) I would still talk to them and possibly become friends with them. But I suspect their wives (assuming they’re married now, I have no idea) would probably not be too keen on that

By: Nicole

Nicole — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 23:32:19 +0000

@Selena, I don’t think Evan’s reaction to getting dumped was gender specific b/c I have female friends who do the same thing. One of my friends got divorced and was totally back online ASAP and even telling dates that she was raw from the divorce but she was determined to find a new partner as soon as possible.
And I know guys who have been hung up on exes for AGES. A male friend just deactivated his FB profile b/c he said he couldn’t stop looking at the ex’s page (b/c that person had moved on and started dating again immediately).
It really is just personality. Some of us need to mope and be alone, some of us want to jump into the game and find a replacement. I think both are forms of grieving and if you can find someone who doesn’t mind either taking it slow or being a rebound, then go for it.
I do think that the people, male or female, who jump back into the fray while still smarting are more likely to accept the fact that it is over and they don’t need to be with the ex (which is usually correct), whereas people who stay alone and mope are kind of hoping for the person to come back.

By: Ruby

Ruby — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 22:49:05 +0000

I also have found that whenever an ex wanted to be friends, it wasn’t really simple friendship that he wanted, but more like the chance for friends with benefits, or a backup plan in case his new forays into dating didn’t work out. And if the ex gets a new girlfriend, he will make himself scarce pretty quickly.

By: Fusee

Fusee — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 21:56:26 +0000

@Joe #31: “Is there no one else out there who remains friends with their exes?”

Not me : )

When it’s over, it’s over. “Thank you, good bye, and have a good life!”

I cultivate friendships with women and keep my “male friendship energy” for building the friendship-based relationship foundation with the future husband. No time for exes, no time for other men either, unless they are gay. First I have enough solid and loyal female friends that I do not need male friends who can’t anyway provide the level of understanding and care that women do. Secondly I want my future husband to trust me 100%, and for that purpose there is nothing more effective than clear actions: no exes and “male friendships” that in 99% of the time are at best about an ego boost/stroke, or in the worse case about some vague hope for easy sex.

By: Ruby

Ruby — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 21:16:09 +0000

Joe #31
You can be civil and you don’t have to hate each other, but I think it’s very tough to truly be friends with an ex. Maybe after a lot of time has passed, and usually after one or both of you have moved on to other people, it might be possible. Otherwise, it’s not very self-protective to be friends with someone who just broke your heart. It’s too easy to get your hopes for reconciliation up, and harder to move on. If the relationship was brief or not very serious, it’s definitely easier.

By: Joe

Joe — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 19:13:02 +0000

Is there no one else out there who remains friends with their exes?