Comments on: Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

By: Germaine Beuviere

Germaine Beuviere — Tue, 14 May 2013 20:08:47 +0000

People have their reasons for not having sex yet and that’s fine. Myself, it has nothing to do with a guy being committed or not. I just choose not to for personal reasons. If the guy is truly interested and sees the woman for a future wife, then he will respect her wishes plain and simple. It’s all about respect.

By: Jen

Jen — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 15:53:22 +0000

I think what Evan is saying makes total sense, but it also exhausts me. Is this why my ex came to hate me? I was too direct in my communication? Rather I was supposed to communicate by teasing him and manipulating him into doing things “my way”?
Men complain women are confusing all the time. I try to be honest and clear when I speak, now I have to be a manipulative engineer to have someone like me??
Sheesh, I can try but a cheetah can’t change it’s spots in the long term. The sun is shining over singledom!

By: Still-Looking

Still-Looking — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 06:39:04 +0000

Maria -
If a man “insists” on sex, either before or after commitment, then the woman should not be having sex with him if his insistence is her sole motivation.
Regarding men breaking-up because a woman gets pregnant – I seriously doubt very many men are going to base a moral decision (marriage, voluntary acknowledgement of paternity, financial support, being actively engaged in the rearing of the child, etc.) based on whether the child was conceived on date X (pre-commitment) or date Y (post-commitment).
A “good man” is going to do the right thing, regardless of whether the woman was impregnated on date 3 or date 30.

By: Maria

Maria — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 04:18:14 +0000

Do any men who insist on sex consider that fact that women seek a commitment before having sex because they’re scared the man will bail if she gets pregnant (like many do nowadays) and she has to face the shame alone — and judgment of people everyday — of being a single mom? These same men also consider these same women bitches for pursuing child support from them for the next (I believe legally it’s) 20 yrs. These women are trying to watch out for themselves — not necessarily “rope you in”.

By: hunter

hunter — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 05:17:35 +0000

…most men don’t know how to exit a relationship….they just fade….

By: Susan61

Susan61 — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 00:30:56 +0000

@cbgrl7160

I agree with you but the difference for me between a lover and a friend, is well…sex. I had lots of male friends I don’t have sex with. I want a physically intimate relationship with a man who I also enjoy hanging out with. Recently I had five great dates with a man I met online. I had not been intimate with a man in over three years and even though I am well aware it is my job as the female to “hold back” and suppress my natural passionate desires, I decided to just live life a little and stop worrying about rules. Yes, we had that dreaded horrible “chemistry” on the first date. How AWFUL it was to feel excited and attracted to a man (note my thinly veiled sarcasm). Yet, as we know “chemistry” while enjoyable and wonderful, can blow up in your face.

I did not tell him how long it had been for me (I kissed a few guys in the last few years but no sex) By the fifth date we still had not had “sex” but we definitely fooled around, the intensity increased with each date starting with a nice make out session on the first date. By the end of our fifth, fabulous and fun date, we were laying together in my bed sans clothes. To me, it felt wonderful and yes, I did feel myself becoming closer to him but I never pressured him, never mentioned future anything, let him do the pursuing.

That was the last time I saw him, one month ago. He emailed me the morning after the 5th date, and two days later. He intimated/vaguely dropped a hint he was dating someone else so perhaps he chose her. I did email him twice, a week or so apart, as after five dates it seemed OK,…I did not come out and ask him out….he replied right away both times but did not pursue a date, then just left me hanging both times and the last email was 2 weeks ago. So that’s that, it appears. Disclaimer: this man was almost 6 younger than I am, although I have been told I’m very attractive and could pass for his age. I realize this could be an issue.

I am sad he decided to disappear but I refuse to punish myself and take all the blame for his disappearance. If I cannot, at 51, be a full human being with natural desires, than when can I? So should I have told him that he was special, that I had not been naked with a man in three years? No, that would put pressure on him. Did he judge me? I have no idea but it is certainly possible. Maybe he thinks I do that every guy. It is sad that women have to constantly worry about judgment in the sexual realm. The pacing of things felt fine, fun and natural. Had things gone slower, I’m not sure if they would turn out any differently but now I guess I will never find out. I am struggling but realize it was a short thing, a “fling” for him, and I will get over it….eventually. It is still disappointing to be left hanging but his actions are speaking pretty clearly.

By: cbgrl7

cbgrl7 — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:49:47 +0000

Personlly, I’m sick of everything with dating/relationships revolving around sex. I’m 52 and I love sex as much as the next person. I, too, want to know if I’m compatible with someone, certainly before I get married. But there is more to a relationship than sex. If our sexual compatibility is the only thing that’s important to a guy right out the gate, I’m not interested in him. I have a mind, a heart, abilities and talents, not just a vajajay. Get to know the rest of me first. Then you get the vajayjay and the freak in the sheets. I want my body to follow my heart not the other way around. As for Collette, nothing wrong with wanting to wait for monogamy before having sex. By the same token, if the guy had a different agenda, he had every right to walk away. But he could’ve told her why instead of just disappearing.

By: Still-Looking

Still-Looking — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 19:20:15 +0000

Colette stated, “I have been dating a lot but have had little success…(I) have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong… I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there. I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. …. but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.” While Colette gave some details regarding her failed relationship with one man, the real issue is why do none of the men want to enter into a committed relationship with her? 1. Some men are only looking to get laid. 2. Some men will not commit without a test-drive. (Lance @ 67 - I could never commit to a relationship without FIRST having sex with the girl, because that’s the only way you’ll truly know what her values are. I think it’s absurd to even consider committing without first going on the test drive. Only after a night of hot (or not) sex would I truly know that we’re good LTR partners.) 3. Some men want a wild, open-minded, and sexually liberated woman and therefore bypass women who are not getting freaky on the first or second date. (see Lance @ 72) 4. Men must “like” a woman to justify the time/expense of continuing to date someone. Assuming all the men, or even most of them, headed for the exit because Colette told them that there will be no sex before commitment is pretty weak. Correlation does not imply causation. I think it is highly unlikely that every man Colette has gone out with has been in category 1, 2, or 3. I can’t say it any better than Tyler @ 109: “So, how does this little tale apply to you? Perhaps your attractiveness and your desire for a committed relationship isn’t the issue. Perhaps the issue is how you make a man feel when you are with him. You want him to feel special just as you are special. You don’t want him to feel that you think he is lucky just to be with you. You don’t want a man to think wow, she’s hot, but she wants me to kiss her ass. Not many hot guys are going to sign you for that….cause they don’t have to. Instead when he thinks about you he should think wow, I feel great when I am with her. We are great together. And she is so hot. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. You in turn should feel the same way. If a man feels that way about you, you won’t have to ask him to commit. He’ll be asking you.”

By: Magdalena

Magdalena — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 12:51:21 +0000

Wow. All these above average looking people who can’t get a boyfriend. And here I am…not particularly great looking and I’ve dated an awful lot in my life, haven’t slept with many and have NEVER had some guy not want to be with me.
Hold out until YOU want to have sex. Until then, play like you’re a tease and might give it to him, stroke his ego constantly-then leave him. He’ll chase you, I promise. And if he doesn’t, you got it wrong the first time and didn’t play the game right. Keep “rolling”these guys. They’re NOT that difficult. ahah Ohhh the mysteries of men.. what a…well, simple thing it is. Trust me, just be natural, tease a little, stroke his ego, don’t communicate feelings and girly things too much – and he’ll always want you. Men are remarkably easy.

By: KateGreat

KateGreat — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 22:44:13 +0000

A point that needs to be addressed here is that Collette is both an intelligent and a very attractive woman – which is rare (don’t hate her because she’s beautiful & smart). What that means, is that while it’s not a problem to find men (quantity), it’s finding good men (quality) that becomes an issue. Please realize that MOST men are interested in her (at least initially). That’s a burden if you ask me. Being constantly surrounded/approached by men forces a woman like Collette to THINK about the ways in which she should make her mind and body available. This is vital in order to sift and sort and separate the noble from the rotten, otherwise she’d be having lots of casual sex with many guys and dealing with much heartache. My advice to Collette is to have rules that you follow (like you have articulated in your posts). Being honest and upfront about your needs might indeed mean you have a smaller chance of being in a relationship with a man (since you quickly scare off the jerks), but I think the chances of finding the RIGHT man remain the same. If a guy doesn’t call you back because you wanted to wait to have sex (assuming you were polite and encouraging), at the end of the day, is he really the man you want to father your children? xo