Pages: 1 2
Hey Evan, I’m having trouble –as I guess most of the people on this blog are– with finding a partner. I took the big step of asking a friend to be brutally dead honest with me about why they thought I couldn’t find someone great. No wishy-washy answers about giving it time, or not meeting the right kind of people, just absolute dead straight feedback. They thought about it for a good long time, and then replied that I intimidate men. They pointed out that I have a very good degree from a top university, but more than that, in my personal life I am very straightforward and honest. I play no games, hide behind no lies and I play by my own rules. Basically it came down to the fact that I’m not super-feminine. I’m short and slim, and pretty enough if no great beauty, and I dress in a hyper feminine way: dresses, heels, makeup, hair done. I smile a lot. But personality-wise, I am not feminine in the least. I’m the kind of person that values energy, directness, and honesty, and provides them. I have a great sense of humor (verified by friends and family) and I am flippant rather than intense and romantic. My friend said that men didn’t like that. They didn’t like a woman who was funnier than they are, who would earn more at equivalent stages of life and who didn’t want a man to protect and look after her. My BIG question is: are there men who will want me as I am? I am willing to change a lot, but I’m not willing to become some submissive little doll of a woman who only cares about her husband’s success rather than her own. Am I destined to live alone, rolling in a big pile of money, but without anyone to share it with? Yes I have my faults, huge amounts of them, but would I be better off pretending to be someone else? –Amber
Hate to tell you, Amber, but…
Your friend lied to you.
You don’t really intimidate men.
Being feminine isn’t defined by long hair or a curvy body –– being feminine is about being receptive, warm, upbeat, nurturing, supportive, sexy, and confident in your own femininity.
The truth is that the men you want don’t want you in return.
This is the topic of the most popular blog post I’ve ever written, although I’m not exactly sure what’s up for debate.
Before I get into explaining my thesis, I want to backtrack a little bit.
It’s possible that you intimidate men. But even if you do, you wouldn’t really want to marry a man who is intimidated by you, right?
So if we can discard those guys who think you’re too much for them, why would any other man not want to be with you?
I don’t know you personally, but you’ve identified it yourself: “I am not feminine in the least”.
Being feminine isn’t defined by long hair or a curvy body or – as you falsely state – becoming some “submissive little doll of a woman”.
Being feminine is about being receptive, warm, upbeat, nurturing, supportive, sexy, and confident in your own femininity.
The great news is that you can still be smart, strong, and successful and possess ALL of these qualities.
But there simply aren’t many men who think that the most important qualities in a wife are straightforward, direct, flippant, funny and rich.
Sorry about that. I’m just reporting what you’ve already seen.
Now, to be clear, there’s nothing WRONG with being direct, honest, flippant, funny and rich (really, there’s not!). But you know who else is that way?
The men you’re looking to date.
Problem is: those men have no desire to date themselves.
This is the dichotomy of the smart, strong, successful woman.
You want to date the male version of yourself.
He’s looking for someone to complement him, to give him what he doesn’t get from his guy friends, what he can’t find in the office.
There’s one other thing that struck me about your email, Amber.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.