While perusing the comments, I found myself inadvertently thinking “I would never date this woman” or “I could see myself going out with her” very quickly and easily.

Possibly the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life was with a smart and strong woman.  She was a tomboy, with a lot of “masculine” energy, as many of the women who seemed to have difficulty with this statement–she made more money than me, loved sports, could pick up a hammer and share a carpentry project with me, traded insults with me and my guy friends (don’t ask ladies–it’s a form of male bonding) and could totally kick your ass at beer pong!  Yet, she was the most nurturing, caring, feminine woman I have ever known.  She never pretended that she didn’t “need” me, never hid her vulnerabilities from me and always found a gentle way of supporting me emotionally.  I loved that she wasn’t a ball buster.  I loved how she laughed at my jokes (or made fun of me for telling a bad joke).  I loved how I felt accepted by her.  She inspired me to be the best man I could be!

THAT is the feminine energy that we look for.  Never have I wanted a helpless little doll.  Ever since I moved to New York, I have yet to find a single woman who possesses that feminine energy here.  Everybody is too busy being “smart, strong and successful” to bother being nurturing.

Because you’re not a man. Neither am I. I don’t get it, but it’s not for me to “get.”

If there are things that men have to say, I listen. Whether I agree with those men or not, if a large number of men are saying the same thing, then I believe that point should be considered and accepted for what it is. I don’t know why so many of us have issues with considering that men’s feelings, beliefs and yes, needs, are perfectly valid.

What I still for the life of me can’t figure out is the whole “men need to be needed” attitude. It makes no sense in the modern world. I don’t get why men feel useful when changing a tire or mowing a lawn or setting up a tv or cable or something. Guess what? There are many men, women and even children that could probably do all of the above. How does that make a man feel special? I would like to think a man would want to be wanted. You know, regardless if you need anything from me, you still want me here. Doesn’t that make more sense? 

Women have entered the work force, and have become much more self sufficient and I can’t see how that is unattractive to anyone. You mean you have your own job, friends, house, car, money? You can cook, clean, change a tire etc? What man isn’t absolutely impressed by this?

Now, you have the men who fell for women who depended on them for all of these things and when she used him up and left he became absolutely bitter over it. That dependence turned into entitlement. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Wouldn’t dating someone who had their lives together ensure that they were with you because they wanted you for companionship, sex, laughing together, exploring together, growing old together, raising a family etc? You can have more fun with a women with no real problems and its less likely to back fire don’t you think?

Marriage is a partnership. To me, that means each partner should be carrying an equal weight. Maybe you take care of the finances more often while your wife takes care of cooking more often. But I believe that each partner should be able to both. If the weight is dropped from either side and your partner can’t pick it up how is your family unit secure? If you’re the sole breadwinner and you lose your job then what? Lets say you die or your wife dies? The slack has to be picked up or else you’re screwed. The family is screwed. Do people not consider this? Men and women don’t have the luxury to dominate only one arena in the relationship anymore. Both parties have to be at least proficient in all aspects to ensure security. Especially with the economy, health care, the rising cost of raising a child and the price of college tuition. Is no one considering this?

Also, the whole feminine/masculine thing. I don’t want to say it doesn’t matter because to a degree it does but I think people define femininity too rigidly. It doesn’t have one form at all. With that being said a majority of women possess the type that is forced on the minority of women who possess a different type. There are waif-like, warm, nuturing, playful types of feminine energy that a lot of men are attracted to and want to protect, then you have the stoic, calm, strong type of feminine energy. Those are a couple examples though I believe there are many others.

That being said I am more of a strong, stoic type of femininity. I am very caring and nurturing, but only with the people I think are worthy of it. Its not something everyone is privy to. Once you become important to me I will protect and care for you completely. I will not waiver. No matter how hard I try I will always be an acquired taste. I think that some women should accept that and stop trying to fit into the “mold”. Molds are created by the majority to cater to the majority. I for one am not attracted to most men. That is the archetype manly man. I’m also not attracted to weaker or more submissive men. My ideal man? Someone who is as strong as I am. Who has a solid sense of self and his masculinity that can not be broken by the presence of a “strong” woman. Someone who doesn’t see their worth in trivial things like being having a woman “need” them but would much rather want to be desired by that woman. Someone who doesn’t need to have a woman below him to feel like a man.

Sure, I realize that I am probably lowering my chances of finding the ideal mate but quite honestly I would rather be alone than settle for someone just for the sake of being like everyone else. Settling would make me miserable. I enjoy being single and would only give that up for the right person. There are more than enough people reproducing. I don’t think the fate of the human race is riding on my back.

I don’t know Amber personally so I can’t make a proper judgement of her, but I think she needs to do some self reflecting. I can identify with how she is thinking because I used to think like that. Naturally I reflected on it, did a lot of research, and came out better on the other side. I would recommend she do the same. No one can tell her to change, she has to do it herself. From what she wrote she seems a little on the obnoxious side. That’s not always a bad thing, but if she isn’t completely aware then it can do. Maybe work on self-awareness? I can’t get pretty obnoxious once I start rolling with the jokes if I’m not aware of it. Now, I naturally catch myself and tone it down a bit. She also needs to become more humble and stop shoving herself down peoples throats I feel like she needs to accept that a lot of men won’t be attracted to her. I sometimes get envious of others relationships even though I know I would hate to be in their situation because they aren’t my idea of happiness. She needs to stop comparing how many men she gets to how many other women get. At the end of the day you’re only marrying one right? Try to attract that ONE!

So Evan, I can say I respect the “get-with-the-program” attitude you seem to be giving. Its easy for everyone to continue to perpetuate and ideal relationship that has now died. Your advice is the exact same that every other match makers are giving. Just because something works for 80% of people doesn’t mean you can simply say tell the other 20% to do the same. Thats the easy way out.

I think about it like this: Before gender identity was a researched disorder people were told to get over it and be like everyone else. Now, everyone acknowledges its existence.

So, women who are truly strong and independent do exist. No, we don’t think were special or are proving anything to men. Its just our natural way of being. There have been a lot of women who are now bandwagoning and tarnishing the words “strong” and “independent” for said women. Now we get a really bad rap. While we may make up a smaller portion of the population I don’t think we should be ignored just because it is easier to cater to the 80% you write for. Though, I do understand it is more lucrative. Thats, all I have to say. 

Gemma 

Reading the letter, I don’t care what she looks like, I would run for the hills if I were single.

I make a good living, am in good shape, etcetera.  Likewise, my gf has a good job, in good shape, etcetera.  She challenges me, but leaves me to my devices for the most part.

Kurt got it right, no one wants a controlling ballbuster.  The tone of the letter is pushy, self-righteous and annoying.  

No guy wants to deal with that. 

I think the whole problem is the use of this word “need”.  If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, sure enough, you won’t see ‘a man’ or ‘a woman’ on the list of needs.  But you will see “Love and Belonging” as an entire category.  I need love and belonging.  I need meaningful, interpersonal relationships.  If I want to meet those needs, then I have to put in a lot of time and energy developing my relationships with friends and family or I won’t have friends and my family and I will become distant with each other. 

If I also want to meet that need through an intimate relationship then, as a heterosexual woman, I will be looking for a man.  But the need is not ‘a man’, it is still “love and belonging” and I am still responsible for meeting that need.  I don’t expect a man to meet that need for me, simply by being a man (or for him to be the only way I meet it, ignoring friends and family). 

I don’t expect him to meet my my other needs.  If I need to excercise, or de-stress, it’s up to me to meet those needs.  Maybe you will get a guy who runs a bubbble bath for you, or maybe you will get a guy who, when asked, will watch the baby while you have your bath. 

If your needs are in conflict, and you want to remain in that relationship then one or both of you will have to make compromises to make it possible for you to both meet your needs.  If the relationship does not meet your needs, why would you stay? Why would he?

The great thing about EMK is that he gives you insight into what MEN are thinking!  You can ask all the girlfriends you want, and they’ll probably agree with you, because they think like a woman; same as you!   You may not like his answers, (truth is often unpopular) but I can honestly say, I’ve tried his advice and it helps! 

There’s a cliche that goes “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.”

I’m not saying this to offend anyone – but really, it does get ridiculous!