Comments on: Can He Really Be a Good Guy Who Just Got Scared and Bolted, or I am I Right to Wonder About the Strength of His Character?

By: LC

LC — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 21:29:33 +0000

Give him a 2nd chance, but don’t sleep with him until you’re married. That should give him the chance to prove that he’s sincere and will keep you from getting hurt again.

By: Relationship Advice From Penny

Relationship Advice From Penny — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:30:51 +0000

Dee Anna,
Thank you very much for having the courage to share all of this with us. You took the time to share from start to end! I’m sure I’m not alone when I say this is so appreciated! We can all learn so much from your experience. So thank you. I know it must feel good when you now “know” for yourself the truth – when you give yourself closure like this, it’s quite eye-opening and somewhat empowering.
Evan was right, “people change only when they truly want to and not when we want them to.” Though it is true that people do deserve second chances, however, it is also true that it can’t be at the expense of your own happiness. It is great that you went in with your eyes wide open this time – and you did it for you, NOT him. Big hugs to you for how far you’ve come. You did good! I shared something on my latest post (on my relationship blog) that I hope can also help you keep moving forward in a positive direction.

By: Ava

Ava — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:37:30 +0000

#37 Dee Anna
Dee Anna,
Thanks so much for the follow-up. I’m sorry things didn’t work out, but at least now you have the answers you need. I’ve attempted to give people from my past a chance, one time with a former close friend I hadn’t seen in over 20 years! Amazingly, I had the same issues with this man in our 40′s as I’d had as friends in our 20′! Then again, I’ve known other people who’ve reunited with an ex and it ended up working, so you never know. Now at least, though, you can move on. Good luck!

By: Dee Anna

Dee Anna — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:06:04 +0000

Hi, I’m Dee Anna, the original poster. I wanted to thank Evan and everyone else for all of the comments. Since I wrote this message weeks before it was posted, I had already decided to give the man in question another chance. I mostly did so for my own peace of mind, otherwise I thought I might always wonder. As you might guess, things did not go well and didn’t last much longer than they did the first time around. This time I watched him very closely and I did not like what I saw. He knows how to talk the talk but not walk the walk. He’s a sweet talker who knows how to say the right things but his actions don’t match his words. I learned from Evan the importance of this, otherwise I might still be letting him jerk me around. His actions made it very clear that he thought he didn’t have anything to make up for nor did he have any understanding as to why I might have some trepidation. He behaved as if the cat was in the bag, so to speak. Not only did he expect me to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship, he dared to say I was “rubbing his nose” in the past when I brought up some of my concerns, and found ways to blame everything on me. Thankfully I have learned not to tolerate this sort of behavior from people and showed him the door at the first whiff of his b.s. attitude.
Lesson learned: the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior (I think this is what Evan was saying when he said people don’t change). Don’t give people another chance–it will always play out in a predictable way.
Thanks again, everyone.

By: Kim

Kim — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:06:30 +0000

Lance’s comment: “Humans are the most adaptable people on earth.” Can’t argue with that!

By: downtowngal

downtowngal — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:45:16 +0000

Life is full of rough patches, and if it’s true that he was going through a tough time, would you be willing to get involved with someone who reacts this way whenever going through a tough time?

If OP wants to give him another chance, this guy needs to tell you the truth as to why he bailed after a month. In person. This way you can decide if he was full of BS. And then make your decision. You’re in the driver’s seat here so take the keys and go slowly if you decide to merge back onto the highway.

By: Lance

Lance — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:42:44 +0000

@Steve: The safer bet? Like what, being single, diving back into the online singles market again which everyone knows is majorly hit or miss, or maybe trying the Saturday night bar scene and meeting a stranger? Clearly, the safer bet is working with the guy where they already have an awesome connection and trying to work it out. It’s far less work and you already know a lot about the guy.

By: Selena

Selena — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:25:39 +0000

Put it on yourself.

Would you completely disappear from someone whom you had come to care for? With someone you believed who had come to care for you? With little or no in the way of explanation?

That’s the crux. People don’t do that with those they care about. They do that when they find the relationship is not what they want, or is in some way inconvenient for them.

People change/don’t change throughout their lifetime.

Never on someone else’s agenda or wishes though.

By: Steve

Steve — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 11:55:55 +0000

I agree with Evan’s sentiment, but not the literal meaning of his words.

People can and do change. That is where I disagree with him.

I think that *most* people are *unlikely* to change and if they do they will suffer setbacks to their old ways. So, if there is something significant about a person you don’t like and you don’t have a lot invested in them I think the safer bet for your happiness is to move on.

I think that is more where Evan is coming from.

By: Anna

Anna — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 01:00:28 +0000

If they only knew each other for a month and he disappeared without word I would be interested in hearing his story. I would give him a chance to explain and take it from there. There is no commitment to start a relationship but I would give him a chance to talk about it. I have nothing to loose by listening do I?