All I’ll say is this:

I’m not sure if it’s tougher to be a man or a woman in the bar scene. Guys face a lot of rejection. Women face a lot of creepy guys.

Discuss.

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Evan,

Also, I want to talk to this guy at my Church but I’ve had so many rejections that I’m wondering if I should even talk to this guy or if I will scare him away too. I’m not really confident that he will like me.
–Ashley Continue Reading »

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Evan,
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and we have a very strong and healthy relationship. We have lots of fun together and we can always solve the problems that arise in our relationship. A few months ago, Luis decided to start studying strategies to be a dating coach. I support him, because I believe in him, but I’m very worried because I know he trains approximation strategies in certain circles of women. I am very afraid that in this research he will eventually find someone else. I have always supported him and we talked a lot about this issue. He is sincere with me, but at the same time I am very fearful that our relationship will be compromised…
What do I do in this situation? –Sofia

Dear Sofia,

There’s some information left out of your question that makes it difficult to give the most accurate dating advice. Continue Reading »

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Hi Evan. Recently I had a date with a guy in whom I was very interested… and I think I blew it! I had something shocking happen right before my date, and the stress took it’s toll on my mood and my appearance, plus the lighting in the restaurant really made me look horrible. It’s rare that I’ve been so attracted to a man so quickly, and I guess this made me doubly nervous, and I wasn’t my normal self. Also, I am getting over the flu, and I gained 5 pounds and hadn’t been working out for several weeks, so I felt very uncomfortable, and it showed. Nonetheless, we talked for 3 hours over dinner and for the most part, it was a lot of fun. Yet, I felt like his attention kept drifting to other people, particularly the attractive waitress, and I felt really diminished. And when the date was over it was like he couldn’t wait to get out of there and he didn’t walk me to my car. I was devastated. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again. So how does one handle this kind of situation? Is there any way to get another chance, or should I just let him go?

Thanks very much. –Jem Continue Reading »

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If you find that your dates consistently don’t go well, the easy thing to do is say, “He wasn’t the right guy”. However, it’s much more powerful for you to look in the mirror and say, “How could I have made tonight go better?”

I can already hear you sigh:

“But I don’t WANT to make my first dates better. If a guy is nervous around me, that says something about him. I want a man who is confident, who is completely comfortable in his own skin, and can make the best of every situation.”

Gotcha.

Now imagine a time that you were in the presence of a jaw-droppingly hot guy. He’s tall, gorgeous, rich, charismatic – and utterly oblivious to you as a romantic partner. Continue Reading »

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Evan, I have a common problem that you’ve responded to lots of times: I fooled myself into thinking that my friend of 10 years had feelings for me, and when I mustered up the nerve to tell him, I was shot down. I thought I had read the signs right. We talked almost every day, he told me I was hot, he told me that he fantasized about me, and we went traveling together. He never actually made a move on me though. Now that I know my feelings are not returned, I’ve cut him out of my life so that I can move on and find someone who truly does love me. I have to admit though, that this whole experience has left me scarred. I was wondering if you could explain how to avoid a situation like this in the future. Do men always ask out a woman they’re immediately interested in? Does love never grow over time? Does the romantic story of “When Harry Met Sally” really just exist in the movies? –Angelina Continue Reading »

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Hi Evan, I recently purchased your e-book, “Why He Disappeared,” but I wanted to ask you a personal question! I grew up with very strict parents and my father was abusive physically and verbally towards my mother; growing up I was very submissive. Although confident and outgoing I could be quite timid – as a result Continue Reading »

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Had lunch yesterday with an amazing entrepreneur, Kristin Moore, who is the founder of SingleTease.com, a site that designs witty t-shirts that signal that you’re single. I’d met her at my friend Dr. Alex Benzer’s book signing last week, and she mentioned to me over my tuna wrap that she also has a blog. Continue Reading »

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I met this wonderful man at physical therapy, whom I noticed from the beginning was attracted to me. The problem is he is my physical therapist. Soon, he started flirting with me, and I followed the lead. Although he has not been direct, the way he looks at me suggests he is interested. During one of my therapy sections, when I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me, he replied, “I wish I could go” and then became very serious. I felt so stupid afterwards. However, several times since then, he suggested that I should head to the lake after my appointment. I know he goes to the lake regularly. 

Is he suggesting I go there to meet him? Should I ask him directly if he is interested? I don’t want to look desperate but I think he is worth the risk.

Dalia

Dear Dalia,

Worth the risk? What risk?

That’s the lesson of today’s blog.

“The only risk is the one not taken”.

Do you realize that men take that risk every single day? That it is expected that they are the aggressors? That it’s their societally ingrained job to introduce themselves to women and set themselves up for rejection?

I’m not even saying that I have a problem with it. I just think that risk and rejection is something that many women could stand to experience themselves. Something about walking a mile in another man’s shoes comes to mind.

Why struggle to figure out “what he’s thinking” when you could just, I don’t know – ASK HIM!

From the hints that the doctor dropped, it sounds like he is interested in you, but doesn’t want to conduct personal matters on business grounds. That line about going to the lake sounds a little more creepy than enticing, but hey, if that’s how he rolls, it’s up to you.

But it would seem like the most authentic thing to do – and this applies to ANYONE in this situation – is to have an authentic conversation. Women love the concept of this, yet struggle with the execution.

Why struggle to figure out “what he’s thinking” when you could just, I don’t know – ASK HIM!

Let’s play the worst case scenario back to you:

“So, Dr. Feelgood…would you like to have a drink after work one day?”

“A drink? But why? I don’t need more than five minutes to help you rehab your arm.”

“Oh, I just thought that you—“

“I’m sorry. Really?”

“Yeah. With the whole lake thing, it sounded like you might be—“

“No. I can’t fraternize with my patients, although it is flattering. Now back to your tendon…”

I mean, honestly, Dalia, how much worse could it go? How much are you really losing by putting yourself on the line? If you have such a low threshold for embarrassment, you can get another physical therapist, but so what?

If neither of you take action because of fear of rejection, NOTHING HAPPENS. And what’s worse? Knowing that you like each other but don’t have the guts to do something? Or having a two minute uncomfortable conversation?

There’s no reason for you to show up at the lake and hope he’s there.

You’re an adult. He’s an adult. Try having an adult conversation.

I’ll bet you both like it.

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Hello Evan,

I’ve been exclusively dating a nice guy for almost eight months now. We’ve had good times together and he is always there for me when I need him. The thing is, before he met me, he was very promiscuous. (I don’t have a lot of dating experience.) He’s very into how men attract women and how they market themselves on the dating scene. When we watch movies with a relationship plotline, he takes care to tell me what the man is doing right/wrong. He wishes to have a motivational speaking career or a relationship counseling career when he graduates.

What bothers me is that he wants to teach guys how to attract women. The worst thing is that he says he wants to practice picking up women and getting numbers in order to be able to teach them. He says he’s not going to use the numbers or anything but he wants to practice so he can teach others and so he gains credibility as an attraction expert. He asked me if that was OK with me. I’m not stupid, and this bothers me a lot. He’s told me that he’s not going to do it since it bothers me, but this is the 3rd time he’s asked this question. He told me not to tell my friends that he asked the question, because they would probably think it was weird. I want to know how or IF I can get him to curb his flirtatious ways.  I’ve explained to him how important it is to me but he doesn’t seem to get it. I want our relationship to work. Is he just not a one-woman man?

Jen

Wow, Jen. This is a question that could NOT have been asked five years ago.

Suddenly, lifetime virgins realize that all it takes to have a little “game” is a decent opening line and the confidence to fail. It’s a lesson, frankly, that EVERYBODY should learn. If only more people were as proactive as the PUAs, there’d be a lot more action and a lot less complaining out there.

Thanks to the emergence of the pick-up artist (PUA) community, there’s an entire subculture devoted to the very pursuits that fascinate your boyfriend. And, really, it IS fascinating, from a psychological perspective. A group of socially awkward men have learned, through trial and error, the SCIENCE of attracting women. In order to arrive at these techniques, they go out frequently to refine what works and what doesn’t, before reporting back to their online communities.

Pathetic? Maybe. Effective? Definitely.

Suddenly, lifetime virgins realize that all it takes to have a little “game” is a decent opening line and the confidence to fail. It’s a lesson, frankly, that EVERYBODY should learn. If only more people were as proactive as the PUAs, there’d be a lot more action and a lot less complaining out there. Of course, the problem is that some men turn this pursuit into a sport, a hobby and an obsession all rolled into one. And if you’re the girlfriend of one of these guys, watch out. It’s hard to feel secure when your boyfriend is picking up on other women, if only to further his “career”…

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