Evan Marc Katz Blog - Dating Coach » Online Dating Tips & Advice

Why You Should Ignore Your Previous Experience With Men

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Hi, my name is Evan Marc Katz, Reverend of the Universal Life Church. Last year, I officiated the wedding of my little sister, Daryl, in San Francisco.

The event was incredibly meaningful to me for a number of reasons, but the story I want to share with you is how Daryl met her husband, Dave.

Daryl was in her 20’s, living and dating in New York City. She’s very bright, sarcastic, and intolerant of “games” and B.S. As a result, Daryl had a rough go with the lawyers and bankers available to her in NYC. She decided to branch out.

She dated a cute guy in Minnesota, followed by a charming guy in Chicago, followed by a separated heartbreaker in New York.

All were impressive men. None lasted. Daryl decided to go on “guyatus”, as she was burned out on both New York and long-distance love affairs.

It was around that time that I wrote my first book, “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating”. Before I sent it to an agent, I wanted to get my bookish sister’s opinion on things.

The first thing Daryl said to me was, “Why would anybody read a book by YOU?”

The second thing she said to me was, “Online dating is creepy.”

I knew I‘d found my target audience.

Long story short:

Daryl enjoyed my book – even though she thought she wouldn’t.
She started dating online – even though she thought she wouldn’t.
After a few years of trial and error – and being thisclose to quitting – Daryl tried a different website I’d recommended, Nerve.com.
On a lark, she replied to a older, bald guy who wrote to her from San Francisco – even though she said she didn’t want to do long-distance again.
7 months later, she moved to San Francisco.

3 years later, they’re married.

I’m only sharing this with you because my extremely bright sister was WRONG about everything she firmly believed.

The only reason she is happily married and househunting today is because she was open to the possibility that her beliefs weren’t 100% foolproof.

Contrast Daryl’s story with Amy, a 42-year-old woman who reached out to me for dating coaching last week.

Amy believed – based on her experiences – that there was nothing she could do differently. The real problem is everyone else.

I like Amy. She’s successful, family-oriented, looks great for her age, and is an information seeker. After a few minutes of talking on the phone, it was clear that Amy had already read a lot of the books in my relationship book bibliography.

I LOVE clients like this.

Except Amy didn’t become a client.

She didn’t become a client because Amy believed – based on her experiences – that there was nothing she could do differently. The real problem, she claimed, is everyone else.

“I’ve used JDate for 10 years. There’s nobody on there for me.”

“It’s guys in Los Angeles. They’re Peter Pans who won’t settle down and are always looking for someone younger.”

“Men out here don’t appreciate someone with ethnic looks. They all want California blondes.”

“I keep meeting men who are so messed up. They’re all out for sex. They don’t have any money. I’m not going to support a man.”

Can you appreciate Amy’s point of view? I sure can. It’s built on years and years of failure, frustration and disappointment.

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What NOT To Say In A First Email

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 13:00:53 +0000

Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz are the creators of the blog and book “Stuff Hipsters Hate.”

In a CNN article this week, they offer 7 humorous email openers that are guaranteed to keep you single. They claim that even if someone finds you attractive, “ironic mustache and all,” a bad first email can ruin your chances at romance.

Read the article here. On a more serious note, if you’re dating online, what kind of emails turn you off?

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What Women Can Learn from Men

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 15:00:44 +0000

In O, The Oprah Magazine, eight powerful and successful women were asked what women can learn from men.

Their answers may annoy you, but they probably won’t surprise you.

Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand – Women and Men in Conversation, suggests that women should take criticism less personally and reveal less of their feelings in the workplace. She also reminds women that it is ok to disagree: “Women tend to think that if you like a person, you express agreement with them. Men often use something I call agonism—ritualized opposition. For example, a man might explore an idea by tearing it apart, by playing devil’s advocate. He’s not literally attacking the idea, he’s exploring it. But a woman might just think, ‘He hates my idea’, or even, ‘He hates me.’”

Chef Kay Sparks agrees that it is important for women to keep “disturbing emotions” out of the workplace, and to blow off stress with a sense of humor – the way men do – rather than by shedding tears.

According to ABC Reporter and former Time Magazine correspondent Tamela Edwards, “Men carry themselves with an air of expectation – a sense that they have worthy contributions and should be mentored and appreciated” and that women would do well to adopt that mindset.

Jayshree Ullal, CEO and president of Arista Networks, advises the following: “In business, women should learn from their male counterparts and emulate their confidence and logical thought processes. If not, women are likely to be perceived as emotional and tentative.”

What impact would absorbing more of these traits have on your relationship, or on the dating process? Take a look at the article and weigh in with your comments.

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Love Happens When You Least Expect It – NOT!!!

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:00:21 +0000

I was talking with a client today and she told me that her friends laughed at her when she mentioned she’d be working with me.

“You don’t need a dating coach,” they crowed. “You’re amazing, successful, and confident. Just take care of your work and family and love will take care of itself.”

Not quite.

“Love Happens When You Least Expect It” is a myth, and it’s a myth I want to dispel from your mind forever.

In this myth, good things happen to you because you’re worthy.

In this myth, the universe provides because you think happy thoughts.

In this myth, the laws of physics and logic do not apply.

Why do I suggest that falling in love without effort is a fantasy?

Because your real life isn’t built for falling in love. If it was, you would have done it already.

“Love Happens When You Least Expect It” is a myth, and it’s a myth I want to dispel from your mind forever.

What is your life built for? Well, take a look at your schedule. Maybe it’ll be obvious.

6:30am-7:30am – Wake up, hit the gym.
8:30am-9:00am – Drive to work. Love those wacky Morning Zoo guys.
9:00am-6:30pm – Work. But don’t date at work. You know how that story ends.
6:30-7:15pm – Drive home from work. Commuting is fun!
7:15-8:30pm – Decompress from work, make dinner for one.
8:30pm-10:30pm – Nighttime activity: TV, book club, surfing the web, putting the kids to bed.

This schedule varies, of course. You may go to the gym after work. You may not commute. You may find television to be a huge waste of time. But chances are, if you’re working, this is approximately what your life looks like during the week.

On weekends, you have more freedom. So, what are you doing with your weekends?

Errands that you can’t do during the week.
Relaxing that you can’t do during the week.
Catching up with friends you don’t see during the week.

Well, at least you could potentially meet someone while you’re dropping off your dry cleaning, right? At least you can go to a bar for a drink and meet someone cute, right?

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Do YOU Overestimate Your Looks Compared To Other People? Take This Test And Find Out!

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 14 May 2011 15:00:13 +0000

How do you rate your attractiveness compared to others in your age range? Are you a 7? An 8? Or even a 10?

A fascinating article on Bigthink.com about how we rank our own attractiveness suggests that most of us are pretty bad at rating our own looks.

“Everyone can find at least one good picture of themselves. And if everyone puts their very best picture on their online dating profile (and why wouldn’t they?), then anyone trying to estimate the distribution of attractiveness using dating profile pictures will almost certainly overestimate the average level of attractiveness for people of that gender who are searching on that market.”

The author compares the online dating market to an economic market and suggests that ranking our own attractiveness is akin to setting our price in the marketplace. She concludes that over-estimating our looks in the online marketplace may lead to poor results in online dating because if we overstate our own physical beauty, then we are very likely to over-shoot our expectations for a potential partner.

Read the article here and let me know what you think.

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How Do I Survive The Frustration Of Online Dating?

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 16:00:12 +0000

Hi Evan, I’m a big fan of the blog. I’ve been excited to start meeting guys in my new city (LA – same as you!) but I’ve already started feeling disappointed. I signed up for match.com and okcupid. It seems there are plenty of men looking on these sites but hardly any saying hello! And if they do say hello, the emails are boring – “Hey, I’m thinking of getting some sun this weekend. How about you?” Or they make me think these guys have me on a pedestal – “If you don’t mind me saying, I think you are beautiful, and your profile seems so genuine. I hope you write back!”

I’ve taken your advice and posted pics of me looking fun, cute and active: wedding guest/bridesmaid pics, vacation pics, a fun sibling shot (labeled “with my bro and sis.”) So what is the deal? I’m 29. I’m pretty and fun. In my bio, I basically state I am a “retired jetsetter who still wants to have fun, but do it on a local level.” I’ve read a bunch of profiles and tried to reach out to men who were my equals, both in lifestyle and dating goals, but these guys haven’t responded. I’m thinking, “We are SO alike, why aren’t you responding?”

Granted, I’m just starting out, but it’s already frustrating! How am I supposed to take these emails that I’m getting? I find them so mass-market, like I bet they copied and pasted and sent to 30 girls without reading about me at all. How do I get to the next step? Should I *wink* first? Are sending messages a bit too much? –Angie

There are two entirely separate issues being discussed here: one is your frustration with online dating overall, the other is with the nuances of how it’s done. Let’s deal with them separately.

First of all, I want you to consider all the other places that you could meet thirtysomething men in Los Angeles. Thru events from LA Weekly, thu email lists like Thrillist, thru E.O.W. – a social group run by a bunch of my friends, thru random happenstance at the gym, at Ralphs, on Sunset Blvd, at the UCB Theater, thru Meetup.com, thru friends’ house parties, thru work friends, and business networking, thru set ups, thru matchmakers, thru singles organizations, church or temple. And yet, despite all of those options for young people here in LA, it’s tough.

It’s very easy to live in a huge city and never meet any men.

Online, you’re ALWAYS meeting men.

That’s why I believe in online dating. Not because it’s perfect. But because “real life” doesn’t always provide enough opportunity on a week by week basis. And unless you get lucky at the Grilled Cheese Invitational or First Fridays on Abbot Kinney, it’s very easy to live in a huge city and never meet any men. Online, you’re ALWAYS meeting men. Your ad is live for 24 hours a day for men to approach you, and if you log on for 20-30 minutes each day to reply and reach out to one new guy, your social life will instantly pop.

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Are You Taking Advantage Of All Your Opportunities To Find Love?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 16:00:09 +0000

You have standards.

You know what you’re worth.

And you’re never gonna settle for less.

I’m right there with you. (Boy, am I there with you!)

As a result of my high standards, I became a dating coach. I may have been labeled a “serial dater” by CNN when I was 32, but I was actually one of those rare guys who took his love life seriously at a young age. My parents were married for 30 years before my dad passed away, and it was their amazing marriage that I’ve always wanted to emulate.

You should never give up your standards, but… you’re quite possibly passing up the love of your life right this very moment.

When you have such a high bar to jump, you’ll likely find that most people fall short.

I’m sure you feel the same way. You’ve spent way too much time spinning your wheels on the wrong men to give up your lofty standards NOW.

As your friend, I want to tell you that you should never give up your standards, but that you’re quite possibly passing up the love of your life right this very moment.

I spent ten years dating online, passing up amazing women, and finding plenty of justifications for it. Then I figured out what I was doing wrong.

Click here to learn what you’ve been doing wrong in online dating – and, more importantly, learn how to get it RIGHT.

No doubt about it, you and I have some seriously high (and well-deserved!) standards.

Which partially explains how, between the ages of 25-35, I dated over 300 women.

I’m not proud of that. That’s a lot of failed dates, complete with all the rejection, confusion, and frustration that comes with them.

The silver lining to all of these experiences was that, as I got older, I found myself making much better decisions.

No more dysfunctional relationships with hot, toxic women.

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Your Links For Love – December 5

Evan Marc Katz — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 16:00:26 +0000

This week’s best news links on dating and sexual health. C’mon, you know you want better sexual health…

Modern Love: Scientific Insights from 21st Century Dating

Online Dating Stigmas Dissolving

Red Lips Grab Men’s Attention: Study Says

‘Love Hormone’ Boosts Men’s Memories of Mom — Good or Bad, Study Finds

Oxytocin Explained

Is Promiscuity Linked to Your Genes?

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Your Links For Love – November 28

Evan Marc Katz — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 16:00:38 +0000

This week’s best news links on dating and sex.

And don’t forget my free teleclass on Wednesday, December 1: “Getting Rid of Fear and Connecting with Men.” Over 996 women are signed up so far!

Video: Online Dating by the Numbers ABC News discusses the huge percentage of people who use internet dating, and the team behind free dating site OK Cupid. “113 million people visit online dating sites every year… No longer creepy or taboo. It’s how 74 percent of singles look for love.”

Great “Sex-pectations” This survey that reveals many are unhappy with their sex lives.

Online Dating Scams: When Love Goes Wrong Information from the Federal Trade Commission.

Various Aromas Found to Enhance Male Sexual Response Scientific study suggests the smell of pumpkin pie is most arousing to men.

Study: Placebo Improves Sex Lives for Women

CDC Survey on STD’s in the United States An important summary of the 2009 national data on 3 major STD’s and their implications when undetected and untreated, such as infertility.

Health Issues and Your Sex Life Dr. Ruth’s new blog uses the example of sex after a heart attack to discuss ways to deal with health related obstacles to a satisfying sex life.

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Do Men REALLY Pay Attention To Your Profile?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 16:00:07 +0000

If you’re ready to find the one online and attract more quality men than you ever thought possible,click here to get started now.

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