Evan Marc Katz Blog - Dating Coach » Online Dating Tips & Advice

How Much Lying Is Acceptable Online?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 16:00:06 +0000

Hi Evan,

I’m fairly new to your site, and to dating in general – back on the market after a long marriage – so, at this point, I’m mainly trying to figure out how things work, and what the unwritten rules and policies of the dating game are. I’ve had an account on a dating site for the last two months. I’ve had a decent number of peoplecontact me, and we mostly click fairly well when we meet in person. However, one thing that I notice puzzles me – it seems like no one bothers to list accurate information about themselves on their profile. I’m OK with people withholding, but I see things on men’s profiles that turn out to be downright misleading.

Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t get too upset if a guy’s profile picture is five years old, or if he’s really 5’8″ and not 5’10.” What I keep finding out, though, are things like “some college” means “no education past high school,” or that “work in research” means “factory worker at a plant whose clients are R&D companies,” and a white-collar technical profession listed on a profile really means “been out of work for some years.”

And “divorced” means “separated with no court date in sight!” And these are the nicer ones…

My problem with misleading pieces of information like these is that I don’t know what else to expect. Can this person even be trusted? What else is he lying to me about? How can I tell if he just posted a little white lie on his profile, so he can get a first date and show me what a nice person he really is, or if he’s a con man through and through? Lastly, where do I draw the line? At what point does it stop being cute and start being a big deal? After all, here I am, meeting with total strangers from the Internet, and, like it or not, I have my personal safety to worry about. I did a search on your blog before I sat down to write this letter, and found a blog article where you say that it is okay to stretch the truth a little, just to get your foot in the door. Which I more or less agree with, but my question is, how can I tell between “a little” and “a lot?”

In the online dating world, how much lying is okay, and how much is considered too much? What are the red flags? Hope you can advise. Thanks!

Timely letter.

I just got back from a week-long vacation and discovered in my inbox a link to this eye-opening article posted by the fine folks at OkCupid, entitled “The Big Lies People Tell in Online Dating.” However, for all of the dating site’s advanced metrics and data, the subtitle of the piece could simply have been, “Duh.”

OkCupid merely confirmed what you and me –and everyone else who has ever dated online has seen ourselves – there is no detail small enough to resist exaggerating. The only things you may find surprising are that women lie about their height and income just as much as men do. Seriously. So no more self-righteous emails about men, okay?

Lying isn’t something that only others do. Like speeding and getting “creative” on your taxes, lying online is something that “we” do as a form of semi-accepted rule-breaking.

What I found fascinating was that the older you are, the more likely you are to lie.

Older people lie because they need to lie to get attention from the most desirable people.

You may conclude that people over the age of 35 are simply less ethical. That they’re more jaded. Less comfortable around computers. Perhaps life has burned them too many times. Maybe the civics courses in the 70’s were less effective because of Watergate. Really, I could spin any number of cockamamie theories, but the truth is much simpler.

Older people lie because they need to lie to get attention from the most desirable people.

When In Doubt, Smile – What Your Online Dating Photos Say About You.

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 20:00:55 +0000

Whenever I get new one-on-one dating coaching clients, the first thing I do is pay for professional online dating photos. Believe me, nobody’s more of a profile snob than yours truly, and I’ll be the first to acknowledge that if people don’t find you attractive, it doesn’t matter if you write like Shakespeare.

When I work with companies like LookBetterOnline and DatingHeadshots, I do my best to ensure that in taking pro photos, they come out really naturally. Nobody wants to see your Star Search photo shoot, with your chin in your hand, or your 3 piece suit, or your blue marbled background. We want to see YOU.

Which is why this article, forwarded to me by superstar intern Cat, was so validating. People are finally learning to put their best foot forward, according to an OkCupid study.

Your photos tell your story. Interesting. Happy. Smiling. Active.

You don’t want to see the polished version of someone, airbrushed in flattering light. You want to see what he/she really looks like. When I was dating online, my primary photo was a professional shot (which looked like just a great natural snapshot), and the rest of my photos were from “real life”: a picture of me and my Mom dressed up in the back of a limo, a picture of my sister and friends out at the beach in the Hamptons, a picture of me, standing outside the Boathouse in Central Park, a picture of me and a buddy dressed up for Halloween. A cross-section of my life.

And in every single photo, I had a big, broad, smile. You couldn’t look at any of my photos and say “this one is better than this one.” They all showed me having fun, looking happy, spending time with a variety of people. This is what’s attractive to others. This is what’s attractive to YOU.

So today, check out your own online dating photos. Are there any photos where you’re not smiling? Toss ‘em. Any photos where you’re not in them because you’ve featured your cat, dog, ocean or mountain view? Toss ‘em. Any photos where it’s hard to see your face because you’re in a crowd of friends? Toss ‘em. Any photos where your friends are appreciably better looking than you? Toss ‘em. Any photos where you don’t look as good as you do in your main one? Toss ‘em.

Your photos tell your story. Interesting. Happy. Smiling. Active. Consistent.

Get ‘em in the door with a natural looking pro shot, seal the deal with a natural sounding one-of-a-kind profile, and you’ll be AMAZED at how much more fun online dating will become for you.

When Should You Take Down Your Online Dating Profile?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 16:00:19 +0000

I’ve been dating a guy online for a month, and he brought up the idea of being exclusive, to which I agreed. At what point should I take down my dating profile? If he doesn’t take his down, would that mean that he is trying to keep his options open? I know in your eBook “Why He Disappeared” you talk about mirroring his actions–ifhe calls, answer; if he sets up a date, say yes—so if he keeps his profile up, I should keep mine up too?

I was thinking of giving it a few weeks and if it doesn’t come up, to say something along the lines of “Since we’re exclusive now does that mean I should take my profile down?” versus “I’ve noticed you still have your profile up, are you dating other people?” Or will bringing it up at all make me seem needy and jealous?

Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

I tackled this question a long time ago, but yours has an extra twist that makes it unique.

So let’s go through your original letter and see if we can make sense of this together.

He brings up the idea of exclusivity, but doesn’t take his profile down: hmmm…very fishy, don’t you think? It’s like making a New Years resolution to do cardio, but refusing to ever set foot in the gym. The two things just don’t add up.

Maybe this guy needs a dictionary to clarify the term “exclusive,” but, by pretty much any standard, “exclusive” doesn’t mean logging onto Match to peruse other women.

Which is why I’m very comfortable redefining your relationship, Vanessa as “non-exclusive.” You’re just seeing a guy who’s making grand proclamations that you want to hear. And it seems to be working quite well for him. Moving on…

“Exclusive” doesn’t mean logging onto Match to peruse other women.

You want to know how the concept of “mirroring” (seen in “Why He Disappeared”) plays into online dating. You hit the nail on the head, Vanessa. If he emails you immediately, you email him back immediately. If he waits 3 days, you wait 3 days. If he asks for your phone number, give it to him with a time to call. If he follows up for a second date and you’re interested, accept. You don’t have to do anything other than what he does, which keeps your job VERY simple and crystal clear.

If he’s not doing what you want him to do, rest assured, he’s doing what HE wants to do.

And, apparently, what HE wants to do is promise exclusivity to you while continuing to look for other women online. He must think you’re a fool because, really, everyone spies on everyone in the online dating world.

I’d like to give you some earthshatteringly brilliant advice that you haven’t previously considered, but I very much like your take on things.

Keep your profile up, give him a few more weeks to step up to the plate, and go with “Since we’re exclusive now, does that mean I should take my profile down?” It’s cunning and cutting at the same time. His answer will reveal everything to you.

At which point, you can get back online to find a guy who really DOES want to commit to you. And for your own sake, please check out Finding the One Online to guide you through every step of the process. It’s everything that’s in my $2500 Romance Course for about one-tenth of the price…

More importantly, you’ll never have to have this “what should I do” feeling ever again.

Good luck.

When Should You Ask Someone Out on a Second Date?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 16:00:40 +0000

Hi Evan,

I went on a date with a wonderful girl on Friday, and it did go quite well. I noticed the past few days since she has looked at my profile online many times, but I actually was the one who thanked her a few days later for the nice evening. She said she had a great time too, via text. Does this still seem like a promising venture?

Thank you,

Michael

Sigh.

I appreciate you writing to me, Michael, but I’ve gotta tell you: guys like you really make my life more difficult.

It’s not that your question is bad – not at all – but it gives unfortunate validation to all the women who are wondering where they stand with men who haven’t called.

Consider the emails I get every day about “He’s Just Not That Into You” guys…

Most men know the rules: if we want to see you, we have to ask you out.

“Isn’t it possible that he’s too shy?”

“Isn’t it possible that he’s nervous?”

“Isn’t it possible that he’s not sure if I like him?”

I answer these all with the same exact answer: NO.

Men do what they want, and if he’s not asking you out, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Most men know the rules: if we want to see you, we have to ask you out. Case closed.

And then came Michael.

How Do You Overlook Bad Online Profiles?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 27 May 2010 16:00:27 +0000

Hi Evan,

As a result of reading Finding the One Online and following your advice blog I’ve become a much more savvy online dater. I have an engaging profile, attractive current pics and a positive attitude. But, the more skilled I’ve gotten at playing the online dating game the more frustrated I’ve become with the shoddy profiles that men post. I’ve changed but men haven’t. I’m still dealing with the same short, shallow, generic profiles and blurry, taken-in-the-bathroom photos. But now I have far less patience for these than I used to. I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt. I remind myself that these men haven’t had the benefit of coaching and are doing the best they know how. But, I still find myself incredibly frustrated and far more critical and dismissive. I don’t expect men to change, so how can I adjust my attitude so that I can be a more effective online dater?

Cassie

Dear Cassie,

Ah, the curse of knowing too much, being too smart, and placing ahead of the curve.

Nope, can’t say I’m familiar with it – but some dead Greek guy once observed that “an unexamined life is not worth living”.

If this is the case, you can surely kill off most everyone on Match.com.

…by letting your perception of these men dictate your feelings about online dating, you’re the one who loses.

The thing to remember is that perception is not reality, and by letting your perception of these men dictate your feelings about online dating, you’re the one who loses.

So let’s reframe:

A few months ago, a bright, creative, well-intentioned woman – let’s call her “Cassie” – has just about had it with online dating.

Her best dating prospect disappeared into thin air, and the only two emails she’s gotten this week came from fat men 25 years older who live two states away.

Your Worst Date Story, Ever!

Evan Marc Katz — Tue, 25 May 2010 02:05:32 +0000

The dating biz is a small one. Pretty much everyone who gives dating and relationship advice in the U.S. is someone with whom I’ve crossed paths at one point in time, and most of them are pretty darn good people. A perfect example is my friend, Jennifer Kelton, who is the founder of BadOnlineDates.com.

Find humor, catharsis and knowledge in sharing these kinds of experiences.

Although it sounds negative, Jennifer finds humor, catharsis and knowledge in sharing these kinds of experiences, and she’s giving you the chance to participate. Just send her your best worst date story through badonlinedates.com and have a chance to win a $50 gift card, a ”Worst Date Ever” tee-shirt and the online coverage of your story on blog.badonlinedates.com.

Click here to learn more.

As for me, I won’t be entering because it wouldn’t be fair.

As a veteran of 300 online dates, I have at least 5 that would trump your worst date, and virtually make your head explode with some version of “She said WHAT?!” Don’t even test me. I’ll win.

So please, share your worst dates with me in the comments section…then swing by Jennifer’s site and win something for all your pain:

http://blog.badonlinedates.com/2010/05/the-worst-date-contest-its-ok-to-laugh.html

Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 13 May 2010 16:00:21 +0000

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don't go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don't know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Loriann

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You're new in town. Your friends are married. You don't go to church. You won't date online because it's scary.

It's about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That's what I do for my clients every single day.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don't want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

"If you're dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you'll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?"

They usually come back with a "Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you'd have some ideas on meeting men. Isn't that what dating coaching is all about?"

No, that's what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

"The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!"

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it's not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It's about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That's what I do for my clients every single day.

Why Are Only-Child Women (And Men) So Self-Centered?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:00:12 +0000

Hi Evan,
Before I got married 10 years ago (now recently divorced) I had and just recently have had ‘coffee dates’ of at least a dozen to two dozen (no exaggeration) with only-child women. The same personality trait in all of them can be found when I meet them: They rarely ever ask any questions, show little interest or just passing curiosity about me, even just to fake it. It’s astounding. Additionally, if I don’t keep up the conversation by being interested with questions about them it becomes dead silence. They don’t ever engage or banter. Not a sentence comes out that requires a question mark. I almost never see this trait with anyone else. Just only-child women.

I actually have seen it in non-dating situations (groups, friends, etc.) of lack of interest or inquisitiveness about almost anything in social situations. Before I got married I had a few hundred coffee dates over many years. My experience is not weak. I can recount all of them because they are glaring in my mind and consistent. Too many for it to be a coincidence.

Is there any anecdotal evidence to suggest a strong correlation of only child and almost a self-centeredness or just plain lack of social interest in other people? Any thought or experience you had with this?

Thanks, Steven

Dear Steven,

I usually don’t get to talk like this, so I’m going to relish the moment:

You’re wrong.

We stereotype. We generalize. We have a sliver of evidence, and we blow it up to become the entire story. And, as a result, we fail to judge people on an individual basis.

I can see why you feel the way you feel, but, if anything, you’re just referring to a well-worn stereotype and finding evidence to support what you already believe.

Alas, my friend, science has spoken, and only children are no less adjusted or socialized than any other children. The only thing that’s different is that their test scores are a little bit higher, probably because they get all of the attention of both parents.

This New York Times article was particularly illuminating on this topic.

So if you’re wrong, then why am I running your letter? Well, because it illustrates a perfect example of what people tend to do when evaluating romantic partners.

We stereotype. We generalize. We have a sliver of evidence, and we blow it up to become the entire story. And, as a result, we fail to judge people on an individual basis.

What kind of stereotypes are we talking about? Well, probably ones not that different than “only children are self-centered”. Destructive things like:

Men who have never been married by age 40 are damaged.
Women who are lawyers are difficult as girlfriends.
Psychologists are all crazy.
If he’s divorced, it means he doesn’t value commitment.

My Valentine’s Day Gift to You

Evan Marc Katz — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 18:00:29 +0000

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.

I know, I know…

Valentine’s Day is silly. Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday.

But you have to admit, days like Valentine’s Day, your birthday, and New Years Eve DO make you stop and think: “What do I REALLY want out of life? And what am I doing to get it?”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this myself.

I really want to get better at guitar…but I always find an excuse not to practice.

I really want to buy a house…but I’d rather do anything on a Saturday than drive around Los Angeles.

I’d really like to have a family…but…okay, that’s not so difficult to find motivation!

Still, you get my point: we all get happier when we take the necessary steps to achieve our goals.

No effort = no reward. It’s not a very complicated formula.

…MY way of online dating will give you a very different experience than your previous ways of doing it.

So if you already have a date for Valentine’s Day, I applaud you. You’re in the game, you’re taking chances, and you’re open to whatever tomorrow brings.

Now stop reading this blog post.

This email’s for everybody else, who, like me, will be staying IN on Valentine’s Day.

If you’ve been reading for awhile, you know that I’m a big believer in actionable steps, as opposed to wishful thinking. I believe you have to work to find love, the same way you have to work to find a job when you’re unemployed.

It may not sound “fun”, but it’s far more effective than the alternative.

Which is why I am a noted and unabashed advocate of online dating. Not because it’s perfect, but because it creates opportunity in your busy life – a busy life that doesn’t currently involve meeting single men.

“But,” you might think, “I’ve TRIED online dating. And it really didn’t work. The men that I wanted didn’t want me. The men who DID want me were liars, and flakes, and players and losers. I found it frustrating and dispiriting. Why would I go back?”

I’ve got two answers to your question

You go back because without online dating, you’re barely dating at all. One date every three months is not a love life. You need more opportunity. Match provides it.

You go back because you’ve never tried online dating MY way.

And MY way of online dating will give you a very different experience than your previous ways of doing it.

My Thoughts on The Bachelor and Conveyor Belt of Love

Evan Marc Katz — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 21:31:14 +0000

I love television, which is why I rarely watch it. At its best, it’s engaging and thoughtful. At its worst, it’s a train wreck. Such was the case when I opted not to read The Road on the plane ride home from New York this week, and opted instead for the Jersey Shore marathon on Virgin Air. I almost felt my brains melting as I watched the spray-tanned, muscle-bound, self-proclaimed Guidos alternately preening at, fighting, and hooking up with everyone in sight. Collectively, we watch these shows not simply to be entertained, but to feel superior. It’s with this preamble that I share with you that I was glued to the TV last night when watching the new season of The Bachelor, followed by a new show, entitled – seriously – Conveyor Belt of Love.

Since I’m a dating coach, I’m always trying to find the “lesson” in reality TV. There’s nothing to learn in merely laughing at the people on these shows. The true value is to find a takeaway, because, make no mistake about it… the people on these shows are not all that different than you or me.

Let’s start with The Bachelor, where the nicest, cutest, squarest pilot found himself surrounded by 25 beautiful women who have pretty much agreed to marry him before meeting him. This makes for excellent television because it functions more as a competition than a real-life organic courtship. And because of the competitive nature of the show, women feel they have to make a strong first impression.

…every woman who tried too hard to make a strong first impression came off somewhere between “mildly kooky” and “batshit insane.”

What’s clear, from my perspective, anyway, is that every woman who tried too hard to make a strong first impression came off somewhere between “mildly kooky” and “batshit insane.” Giving him wood carvings of airplanes, handing him poems, talking about a future together during their first conversation…all made me more uncomfortable than your average Office episode. These women were THROWING themselves at The Bachelor, and it was not a pretty sight at all. Objectively, the women who resorted to various “gimmicks” to get The Bachelor’s attention lacked dignity, which is something I’m sure they figured out when watching themselves on TV. The fact that a few of these gimmicks actually WORKED does not excuse them. Chasing a man, openly pushing for marriage and commitment, making him know that he’s already won without earning it – all are terrible dating practices that should be left on reality TV only. There were three women who offered something positive.