The old stereotype where the man wants sex and the woman says she has a headache/stomachache/early day tomorrow might not be as accurate as you think. Seems men are turning women down, too.
An article by a female author in GQ explores this idea.
She writes, “To be fair (and painfully obvious): Men are human, too. You guys have feelings and problems and hungers that sometimes take precedence over boning. Maybe you had too many beers and are experiencing acute alcohol-related performance anxiety. Or maybe your not-in-the-moodness has to do with something bigger: the ubiquity of porn—effortlessly consumed like a drive-through value meal—or some existential male malaise that Zach Braff will surely explore in his next movie.”
Or, as is much more likely, we’re just tired and not particularly inspired to do the exact same thing to the exact same person again. Steak is great. You just wouldn’t want to eat it every single night. You know what I’m saying?
The author accidentally stumbles into an excellent point: the idea that, since it doesn’t cost a guy very much and it keeps you happy, he should just get it up and please you. “Just try saying yes to us more often. Even if you’re a little tired. Even if Mumford & Sons are doing that namby-pamby forest jig thing you like so much on Fallon. (DVR, dude.) We’ll be happier, so by Newton’s Law of Relationships, you will be, too. And I also can pretty much guarantee you won’t regret getting busy, either. It’s not a trip to the dentist’s chair, it’s sex.”
Amen. Apply that exact same “just say yes” advice to women who aren’t in the mood and we’ll have a lot more happy marriages.
Read the piece here and please share your comments below.
My friend, Christan Marashio, also known as Moxie on her blog“And That’s Why You’re Single”, wrote a compelling first-person piece on what happened when she expanded her search on OkCupid to include casual sex.
Of course, the predictable responses rolled in: pervy, skeevy, tone-deaf guys giving their most forthright pitch, to no avail.
What you probably wouldn’t expect as a woman – what I already know as a man – is that just because a man is interested in casual sex doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ONLY interested in casual sex. Continue Reading »
A recent study in the American Sociological Review titled “Religion and Sexual Behaviors,” reveals that religious affiliation has a big impact on the likelihood of sex before marriage.
418,000 people in developing countries were surveyed. All major religions prohibit premarital sex, but Muslims seem to take Islam’s rules regarding sex especially seriously. Sociologists found that Muslims were the least likely of all major religious groups to have had sex before marriage.
If I weren’t already a Jewish atheist, I’d be all over the Buddhism thing.
This isn’t particularly surprising, but what was interesting was that the probability of a Muslim woman having had premarital sex changes depending on how dominant Islam is in the country where she lives.
If this woman lives in a nation where 1 percent of residents are Muslim, her predicted probability of reporting premarital sex would be .72…In a nation where 90 percent of residents are Muslim, the woman’s predicted probability of reporting premarital sex would tumble to .28. We can thereby conclude that national culture has stronger effects than individual preferences.
As for why Buddhists rank highest in premarital sex? The researchers suppose that it could be because Buddhism is not monotheistic, it has fewer “strict rules about specific behaviors.”
If I weren’t already a Jewish atheist, I’d be all over the Buddhism thing.
You can read the original Boston Globe article here and share your thoughts below.
In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11″ report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.
And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?
Hi Evan! I have been seeing this fantastic guy for the last couple months. I’ll cut to the chase and say that we get along very well, I enjoy every minute I spend with him, and he treats me with nothing but kindness and respect. He calls me his girlfriend, and we’re very happy together. We have sizzling chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality.
The only issue I see is kind of a big one for me. Although we have great passion and tons of fun in the bedroom, I have some fantasies that he is not quite into. I would not say I am looking for Fifty Shades of Grey to come to life before me, but I am very interested in him being more dominant. I would like to experience the whole “tie me up and blind fold me” sort of thing. I want to feel powerless with him, but only because I trust him with that power. I just want this occasionally, however, as I very much enjoy our current sex life as well.
He, however, has told me that he does not feel comfortable with exerting his will over me, and that he feels we would have to get to know each other MUCH better before he would be comfortable exploring this. He has also said that the more I bring it up to him (I admittedly do this frequently), the more he feels pressured and the less he wants to do it. I guess I’m looking for a way that we can compromise? I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.
Thanks for any insight you can provide! Holly
Dear Holly,
Congratulations. You have a boyfriend. You have chemistry. You’re treated with kindness and respect. You couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality. Sounds like you hit the jackpot, huh?
Except for this “big” issue: you have some fantasies that he is not quite into. Continue Reading »
Love your blog! It seems that, after searching through your archives, many women have asked about what to do when their boyfriend has low-to-no sex drive, but what about if the tables were turned? I’m in my early thirties, and have had many long-term relationships–some great, some horrible, some somewhere in between. No matter the circumstances, I have always lost interest in sex a few months into the relationship.
I warned my current boyfriend of this very early on. He is a wonderful guy. He makes me feel safe, confident, and loved. There are no games and there is no low-level anxiety and insecurity lurking here. I’ve explained to him that I sometimes need help to “get in the mood” by him initiating sex. He has said that he feels it’s useless to do this as there’s a 90% chance I’ll turn him down. I feel horrible about this and sometimes feel it is my “duty” to have sex. At the same time, he is resistant to giving me what I’ve clearly asked for multiple times. We have been together for a year and three months at this point, and we seem to be lacking some communication here, as well as intimacy. Does this mean the chemistry is gone? Is this potentially the “wrong” relationship? –Anne
You meet a man.
For the first few months, he’s the most charming man in the entire universe. He texts during the day, he calls you at night, he makes plans in advance. Dates last for full weekends. In your experience, this guy is the best communicator you’ve ever seen. You two can work everything out and you always know where you stand with him.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years. We had an amazing relationship. He was the first guy I fell in love with. He was my best friend and lover. We had talked about the future and had great relationships with each other’s families and friends.
Now, the problem. I recently found out that he had been responding to sex posts/ads online. When I confronted him about it, he immediately confessed and apologized profusely. He cried and said he’s so ashamed of himself. He explained that it’s a sexual issue/addiction that he’s had for years – even before he met me. He swore that he never actually met up and did anything physical with anybody; he had only exchanged messages. He said he’d go to counseling to get help. He asked me if I could find it in my heart to stay with him and give him a chance to fix himself and be a better man. He said he knows I deserve better.
I feel so betrayed, sad and angry. But a part of me also believes everything he told me, because it’s in line with his character. He had always been honest with me, even when we discussed difficult subjects.
I’m 25 years old and I’m attractive, intelligent, funny, etc., so I’m sure I can find another person in the future. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to. Is my ex-boyfriend “the one”? I’m not the type of person who magically “knows” or dreams about marriage, but being with him made me start thinking about the possibility of marriage. Does he have great character, make me happy and help me to be a better person? 100%. Did he hurt me? Yes. Do I think I can trust him again? I don’t know.Continue Reading »
My husband and I haven’t had intercourse lately because I am pregnant and he’s afraid it will hurt the baby. He didn’t have a problem with it from the beginning to the 6th month. I continuously give him hints and touch him playfully everyday, but he still refuses to have sex. I like to sleep alone so I make him sleep on the couch and he understands that, but he likes to sneak back in later when I am asleep and cuddle up with me. Okay, I admit, not having sex for a while is getting to me cause I am still young and virile. So last night I went to bed naked thinking he would cuddle up again and perhaps have sex, but no, he didn’t. Anyway, I caught him masturbating to Girls Gone Wild and it hurt me. I don’t know if I should be angry or forget about it. I know it hurts my feelings though that he chose to masturbate to other girls instead of having the real thing with me… Right now, I just don’t know how to get over it. Because of his actions, I feel that i am not attractive to him anymore. Any advice? -Hannah
Oh, Hannah. You sound very young.
And because you’re very young, it seems that there a number of things that you need to be taught about men that older women have already figured out themselves.
I really enjoyed this piece Salon.com, challenging the idea that guys just want sex as often as possible, and with as many women as possible.
Any time science can challenge conventional wisdom, I’m all for it.
And, to be clear, I’ve bought into the conventional wisdom as well. Part of being human means believing that lots of other people are just like you. But apparently, when I was single, I was in a minority of men who could be classified as Casanovas. Says Andrew Smiler, author of “Challenging Casanova”:
“Research typically shows about 15 percent of guys have three or more partners in any given 12-month span. If you follow those guys over time the number of guys who have three or more partners a year for as long as three years, that drops to about 5 percent. So there are definitely some guys out there who are doing it — but it’s really a small percentage of guys. By contrast, if you look at guys who are very religious, that’s about 15 percent of guys, and most of them really are devoutly religious, really dedicated to their partner. There’s way more of that than guys that are having three partners per year for three years.
Fair and interesting point. However, I do think that Smiler hasn’t necessarily considered some other factors in determining that men aren’t that sex-oriented. Namely: Continue Reading »
