Evan Marc Katz Blog - Dating Coach » Sex & Relationship Advice

I Was Unfaithful to My Girlfriend Before She Was My Girlfriend. Should I Tell Her?

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:00:48 +0000

So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month and things are going great. We have not had any problems and we both see a long future for the both of us together. We actually met through a dating site and we were talking a few weeks before our first date. The problem I am dealing with is that a couple days after our first date, I actually had a one-night stand after a long night at the bar. I feel bad about it every time I think about and I feel even worse every time the girl I’m dating brings up the fact of how she can trust me and how she loves how honest I am with her. So my question to you is, when would be the appropriate time for me to tell her about this, and if there is not an appropriate time, than what should do I do so this doesn’t eat me up alive every time I think about? (I feel this is one of those things where telling her would be an easy way for me to feel better, but would end up doing more harm than good in the end.) –Jason

Jason,

Your radar is right on the money.

You’re considered honest and trustworthy by your girlfriend.

You care about her and see a potential future with her.

You feel bad that you were with someone in the time that you knew her.

You want to get this guilt off your chest and aren’t quite sure how she’d take it.

Yep. Your heart’s in the right place.

The only difference between you and me is that I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

This is very similar to a post I wrote a few years back, where a guy’s girlfriend dumped him, he had a one-night stand, and then they got back together.

You can only cheat if you have a commitment.

I didn’t think he did anything wrong either.

But that doesn’t mean that his girlfriend would agree.

And that’s why this situation is a little murkier than black and white.

Still, I’ve got three compelling reasons why you should give yourself a break and just focus on being the best boyfriend you can be, okay?

1. You can only cheat if you have a commitment. And a couple of days after your first date, how were you to know that your current girlfriend might be “the one”? That’s right; you couldn’t. First dates are about having fun, connecting, and seeing if there’s enough potential for a second date. It would be downright foolhardy to commit to someone after a first date (even though we’ve all done it). So really, Jason, if you didn’t have a girlfriend when you had your one-night stand, you didn’t actually cheat. You were just a slut. That’s different.

2. There is little upside to telling your girlfriend the truth. The downside, however, is tremendous. If you read this blog, you’ll know that I’m as honest as they come. This, of course, is not necessarily a good thing, but people around me have always known where I stood. I remember, once upon a time, I had a jealous girlfriend who’d been cheated on by previous boyfriends. And our conversation went something like this:

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Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:00:13 +0000

Journalist Susannah Breslin has started a compelling site called Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs.

Yes, that’s all it is.

Here’s what a few big media outlets have to say about it: Salon: “A new blog gives voice to guys who empty their pockets just to see naked flesh, and reveals a lot about male desire.” Newsweek: “Gives men a chance to write anonymously about the complicated reasons they buy sex.” TIME.com: “[A]n online collection of purportedly real letters from sex workers and their customers.”

I’m sharing it with you because, as I see it, my job is help you understand how men think. Of course, every time I tell you how men think, somebody writes back and tells me that I’m wrong. I’ve always found it interesting – the concept of shooting the messenger – but as far as I can tell, I get shot mostly because a) you don’t want to believe that I’m telling the truth or b) you are an exception to the rule, which, of course, doesn’t negate the rule. I can say that it generally gets colder in the winter, and the fact that it may be 79 degrees in LA one day doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get colder in the winter.

In any case, Letters From Strip Clubs is a really entertaining read, right from the horse’s mouth, about why men go to strip clubs. I didn’t find any of it particularly surprising, because I’m, you know, a man. But it’s definitely a worthwhile read.

What resonates most to me is that all of the letters seems a little sad, which describes the state of a lot of men who are just looking for some sort of female connection. These men aren’t to be scorned. Pitied, maybe. But mostly, I hope you understand their loneliness and understand why I spend a lot of time trying to get you to give men a break. You don’t have to like strip clubs, but you can’t deny that their prevalence fills a temporary need for millions of men – not all of whom are scornful perverts, I assure you.

Your thoughts are appreciated, as always.

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Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:00:29 +0000

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is sweet, patient, loving, and all the things you can ask for in a BF/Husband. One issue is that my sex drive is higher than his. I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9 times a month. We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel. It’s THAT BAD. Now I feel that we have just become best friends who live together and once in awhile sleep together. When we do have sex, sometimes I feel my mind thinking elsewhere. I believe I have programmed my brain to not want to have sex just so that I don’t feel lonely and rejected when he says he’s not in the mood. I think I lost that spark and special connection with my boyfriend who I love VERY, VERY much. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m happy almost every day because of it. What do I do? Is sex something worth breaking up over??? –Sexually Deprived Female

While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…

And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.

Is sex something worth breaking up over?

You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.

Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover – otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.

The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.

It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.

See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.

His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.

It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.

People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.

Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.

Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”

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Should I Stick Around If My Boyfriend’s Sex Drive Is Gone?

Does Feminism Mean That You Shouldn’t Want A Man?

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 13:00:39 +0000

I thought this Modern Love piece from the New York Times was a really well-written, reflective piece about how one can be a feminist and still want to have a man.

Says the author, Alexandra Franklin, a sophomore at the University of Alabama, “I don’t mind being a part of a whole when Dan is the other part. I don’t feel like less of a feminist, or less of a person, or less in any way. I feel more complete, but not necessarily because of him; it is just because I have found a friend who makes me laugh and also happens to love me even when I’m not very lovable.”

This is great wisdom about what’s important in relationships. In laying herself bare, the author also briefly touches on how difficult it must have been to date her. Her fierce independence. Her ambivalence. Her intensity. Her work ethic. Her preference to join the Peace Corps and not have kids for a long, long time. Her bulimia and anorexia.

And that’s the thing that often gets swept under the rug by smart, driven, successful, women… There’s no crime in being any of those things, but there is very much a tradeoff for men who choose them. Most men choose to opt out because while the relationship is invariably interesting and challenging, it’s also tiring and difficult. The author seems to own this and is appreciative of her very patient boyfriend. (By the way, this is not a gender-based observation about smart, driven, successful people – there’s a similarly HUGE tradeoff for dating the Bill Clintons, Newt Gingriches, Salman Rushdies and Tiger Woodses of the world).

The question I have is whether you own your flaws or you expect men to not be bothered by them at all?

Personally, once I owned my flaws, I found the humility necessary to be a good husband. It’s a great improvement on thinking how lucky anyone would be to marry me, dontcha think?

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Watch A 1-Hour Live Coaching Event In My Own Home

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 18:44:35 +0000

It’s been a crazy week.

And if, somehow, you’re still sitting on the sidelines, reading my emails, wondering why I am so insistent that you take action on your love life, this is your lucky day.

Because I want to share something special with you – and, once again, it’s FREE.

It’s a one-hour LIVE coaching event that I held in my home last week for five private clients who live in Southern California. They came to my home, met my wife and baby, ate dinner, drank wine, and then generously opened up their hearts with authentic, vulnerable, real questions – the very kind that you’ve been asking as well.

I decided to videotape the event, just in case something magical happened.

When you watch this video below, I think you’ll see that it did.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/live-coaching-special-video.php

There are two things I’d like you to keep in mind when you’re watching this video:

1) If you enjoy it, SHARE it with every single woman you know.

If you learn something and want to pay it forward, SHARE it.

If you believe in the positive messages I’m trying to give to women to break free of bad men, SHARE it.

I’m a firm believer that knowledge is power, and think it would be wonderful if you could give every woman you know power over her own romantic destiny.

Just add your comments below the video using Facebook and let your friends see what it’s like when smart women make smart decisions in love.

2) This video is a perfect sneak preview of my FOCUS Coaching program.

Each month in FOCUS Coaching, I’ll conduct a live Q&A call about a new dating topic, and I will answer at least 5 of your questions for you.

Following the call, you can listen a recording of it on my Community site and you will also receive a CD/newsletter of the call a few weeks later.

Additionally, you’ll be an exclusive member of the EMK FOCUS Forum, where you can interact with me and hundreds of other smart women on the path to love.

If you get great insights from this free video, just imagine what you can get when I answer YOUR questions on the phone each month.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/live-coaching-special-video.php

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

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How Long Should You Wait Until You Know You’re Exclusive With a Man?

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 11:45:18 +0000

This is a question I received on my latest survey about a dozen times, which lets me know that it’s important to you. And if it’s important to you, it’s important to me.

You’ve said it to me loud and clear; you’ve been hurt before, you don’t want it to happen again, and you definitely don’t want to waste your time.

It’s important to remember, however, that nobody escapes matters of the heart completely unscathed. In 99% of relationships, either he’s breaking up with you or you’re breaking up with him. Somebody always gets hurt.

Which means that there’s a bit of risk involved in any relationship, and there’s not a single thing that your trusty dating coach can do to entirely eliminate that risk.

What I’d like to do is help you mitigate that risk a bit so that you don’t end up wasting too much time on the “wrong” men.

Which brings us to a notion that I articulated in “Why He Disappeared,” which has a funny way of always resurfacing on this blog: “Men look for sex and find love.”

This doesn’t mean he’s a player or a liar or a loser. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be a good husband and father one day. All it means is that when he shows up on the first date with you and sees how attracted you are, he’s not thinking about the long-term future, he’s thinking about the short-term future:

“How am I going to charm her? How am I going to make her like me? How am I going to give her an extra drink so I can get her back to my place?”

Once again, I’m not proud of this fact, but it’s true. Men become focused on the here and now, trying to make the most of the present moment.

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How Can You Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Falling in Love With You?

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 10:55:29 +0000

One of the most frequent questions I receive is about your frustration with the entire dating process and understanding what’s going through the minds of men.

While you’ve made up your mind about him – you love him, and you think he’s the one – you still aren’t confident that your relationship will endure.

This insecurity can take place at any point in a burgeoning relationship.

You’ve been dating him for two weeks and you feel electric chemistry.

You’ve been sleeping with him for three months and you’re not sure you’re exclusive.

You’ve been boyfriend/girlfriend for six months and he hasn’t said “I love you.”

You’ve been a couple for a year and a half and he’s never hinted at a future.

Instances like these are incredibly common – more common than healthy relationships, to tell the truth – and you rightfully want to know if you should stick around or if you should bail.

Thankfully, I’m here to give you a cheat sheet (in the form of the above video) on what signs you should look for to figure out of your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

First of all, as I wrote in a newsletter once upon a time, believe the negatives, not the positives.

On the surface, that might not make sense. But upon further inspection, I would submit that every time you ignored the negatives, they came back to bite you.

The classic example is the guy who tells you at the beginning, “I’m not really looking for a relationship.” But then, drawn by attraction or chemistry or boredom, he starts sleeping with you. Pretty soon, you’re seeing him once a week, receiving regular texts, and he’s telling you how much he enjoys your company.

In your mind, you’re on the verge of having a boyfriend.

In his mind…

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Dating And Divorce: Is It ‘Survival Of The Sluttiest’?

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 13:00:01 +0000

In a Huffington Post article, New York comedian Juliet Jeske lamented that after the end of a nine-year relationship, she no longer knows how to date. She describes her experiences this way:

“As a person who is by nature very direct and to the point, dating is a mystery trapped in a puzzle, tucked in a fireproof safe thrown down a mineshaft. I just can’t figure it out.”

She goes on to say that “It is just sort of expected by many that you start the physical part of the relationship first, and then see if either partner wants to continue after the fact, sort of a try before you buy situation. Sex before emotional attachment, sex before any form of relationship, sex before everything.”

Jeske is complaining specifically about dating in New York, but I think this phenomenon is universal. I mean, how many times have I said that “men look for sex and find love and women look for love and find sex”? What Jeske doesn’t seem to get is that it’s not an either/or.

You don’t have to sleep with a guy on Date 2 just because some other woman will. That other woman is most likely being used and is wondering why all the guys she sleeps with never amount to anything.

What women DO need to understand is that men are driven by attraction, sex and testosterone. And if you think it’s ridiculous that he’s going to want to have a little foreplay before you’re in a relationship, you’re going to be perpetually frustrated by reality.

Instead of complaining that men are interested in sex (duh), how about you figure out a way to better connect with him outside the bedroom during those first few formative weeks/months? And if all he wants is sex, just ditch him. It ain’t that hard.

Read the article here and let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

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Dan Savage on the Virtues of Infidelity

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 15:00:35 +0000

Sex-Advice columnist Dan Savage, best known for his It Gets Better project, has spent 20 years telling us that monogamy is harder than we admit and promoting a sexual ethic that he thinks honors the reality – rather than the romantic ideal – of marriage. In Savage Love, his weekly column, he argues against the American obsession with strict fidelity to one partner. In its place he proposes something the article calls American Gay Male, after the gay community’s tolerance for pornography, fetishes and a variety of partnered arrangements, from strict monogamy to wide openness.

Savage believes that it is a mistake to treat monogamy (rather than honesty or joy or humor) as the main indicator of a successful marriage.

“The mistake that straight people made,” Savage says, “was imposing the monogamous expectation on men. Men were never expected to be monogamous. Men had concubines, mistresses and access to prostitutes, until everybody decided marriage had to be egalitarian and fairsey. And it’s been a disaster for marriage.”

Personally, I think Savage is right, but that most people rule with their heart instead of their head. There’s a huge difference between my wife telling me that she got drunk and hooked up on a business trip to Portugal than her telling me she’s in love with another man and leaving me. Honoring the greater entity known as the relationship is more important, more honest, and more realistic than 100% fidelity.

I’m not advocating for cheating, but a rethinking of what’s “effective”, given human desires, the value of a stable relationship, and the length of a lifetime commitment.

Explore the article here and share your thoughts in the comments below.

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Facebook – The Source of All Future Infidelity?

My Guy Can’t Get It Up. What Should I Do?

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 15:00:39 +0000

Evan, I have been dating a 35-year old guy for a couple months now. When we first started fooling around, he was unable to attain an erection. It was understandable, because he was going through a divorce, and so I know he had a lot on his mind all the time, and was used to one woman for so many years. After a few weeks, he was able to have sex with me, and even reached climax a couple of times. But now…we’re back to erectile problems. There is nothing wrong with his sex drive. Even when we’re unable to have sex, he’s always making sure that I’m fulfilled in other ways. I really, really, really would love to think that there isn’t anything wrong with me…I’m only 24 years old, and I’m pretty sure that I’m not totally disgusting. It’s a very frustrating matter, because it makes me feel so unwanted. He reassures me constantly that I’m sexy and beautiful and that he does, in fact, want me. But… a body cannot lie, and his inability to maintain an erection at all times worries me. –Brittany

Brittany,

I know, by looking at me, you’d think: this guy is an expert in erectile dysfunction.

This is biology we’re talking about, and it’s futile for you to take responsibility for what’s going on inside of him.

But really, that’s just an image I try to give off for the public. In fact, my penis remains in good working condition, not unlike a reliable Honda Accord with 120,000 miles on it. So, like any expert who is out of his depth on a given question, I turn to the Internet to help bolster my opinion with a few facts.

First of all, I want to disabuse you of the opinion that this has anything to do with YOU. It does not. Blaming yourself for his inability to get it up would be like a guy blaming himself because you’re PMSing or are clinically depressed. This is biology we’re talking about, and it’s futile for you to take responsibility for what’s going on inside of him.

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