Can You Really Recover From A Cheating Partner?

Can You Really Recover From Cheating Partner

There aren’t real strong numbers on what percentage of marriages are affected by infidelity. In the past, I’ve heard numbers from 20-30%. Other unverifiable internet research pegs the number closer to 50%. I think that’s on the high end and is often cited by people who don’t believe in happy marriages, but that’s neither here nor there.

No matter how you slice it, a LOT of people cheat on their spouses. The question is whether infidelity should immediately signify the end of a relationship. I suspect many readers will reflexively think it does. I, on the other hand, do not. Neither does relationship therapist Molly O’Shea, recently cited in the NY Times.

O’Shea specializes in this sort of marriage counseling, which routinely takes a year or more of effort. In order to put the relationship back together, O’Shea cites a couple things which I think are worth sharing:

1. “She asks the person cheated on what it would take to regain trust and what the cheating spouse can do to prove the affair was a mistake. “Usually the person who has been cheated on says, ‘I don’t know what I need’ and ‘nothing is going to help,’ ” Ms. O’Shea said. “They’re just so angry.”

Because of this anger and mistrust, suspicion continues to linger way beyond the initial incident, including becoming upset each time the unfaithful spouse doesn’t answer the phone.

2. “People who have cheated need to affirm their partner’s feelings, sympathize and put up with a lot of justifiable anger.”

No matter how you slice it, a LOT of people cheat on their spouses. The question is whether infidelity should immediately signify the end of a relationship.

That’s not just about cheating. That’s Relationships 101. When my wife gets annoyed that I forgot to throw out the garbage, I can’t tell her to shut up because she’s being ridiculous. Literally the only thing I can do – the only constructive thing I can do – is to OWN my mistake, take the heat, and vow to do better the next time around.

We all put up with a lot of bullshit in relationships. The best couples are the ones who OWN their behavior. Women can put up with an occasionally selfish guy if he admits it and tries to work on it. Men can put up with a little crazy emotional behavior from a woman, as long as she calms down fast and admits she flew off the handle. What no one can deal with is the crazy person who insists she’s being sane – or the cheater who blames his wife for his cheating.

That’s no way to heal things – even according to the couples therapist. Concludes the NYT piece, “While intense therapy may help rebuild the relationship, rarely do couples regain complete trust. “You forgive, but you don’t forget,” says Ms. O’Shea.

Would you be able to forgive a partner who cheated? Or would you end the relationship on the spot? I think there’s a huge difference between, “I got drunk on a business trip and it happened and I’m horrified and I’ll never do it again” vs. “I’ve been having a two-year relationship with someone else and I think I’m in love with her.” The former can be saved if both parties want it. The latter is a systematic, long-term lie, which means you’re married to a systematic long-term liar.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Jen

    I just found out that my husband cheated on me.  I am completely devastated.  I never thought he was the type to do something like this.  I suspected that something was going on and only after I had solid proof did he confess.  I don’t think I will ever get over this.

  2. 62
    Janna

    I don’t think we ever get over major life altering events. These kinds of things change us in major ways, some good, some bad. While the shock and debilitating pain will fade over time, there may occasionally come a memory that will make you sad even long after your life is happier again. It just won’t ruin your day. And that’s ok.

    I would highly recommend dailystrength.com, Chump Lady’s blog and Divorce Minister’s blog.

    I don’t know how long ago this was or if your husband wants to reconcile, but I would caution you to only consider reconciliation if your husband’s actions show he is truly sorry and truly serious about reconciliation. If his actions show that he isn’t really sorry, remember that there are other people out there who are honest and loyal and who can deal with life without needing to have affairs. And you deserve that loyalty whether from your husband or from someone else.

  3. 63
    Chauncy

    Today is the one year anniversary of my wife cheating on me.  She was on a vacation for a few weeks and found some surfer hunk to have four sessions with.  Thanks didn’t stack up and the truth came out.  Come to find out, she had cheated before through our 25 years.  There was the guy at work when we were just married.  There was her old boss that she screwed.  There were the flirty dance nights when she was “out with the girls”.  There was the group of navy guys she made out with in San Diego one time.  To top all this off, that old boss I mentioned, well he just might be the father of our son, but she is not positive… just a little sketchy on the timing.

    I can hear you now… pretty cut and dried right?  Not so fast.  During our 25 years together we have had great marriage.  We supported each other emotionally and as co-parents.  We communicate well and genuinely  love each other.  We have a great time being best friends, traveling, laughing, hanging out with friends, etc.  People have always commented on how well put together we are as a couple.  We respect each other’s perspectives and are open.  I was always a good provider and did not stray or gamble or go out drinking or have a wondering eye.  So what gives?

    As people above have mentioned, you can be the best (or as close as anyone can be) spouse and still, your spouse cheats.  Our marriage was really really good and I would stack it up against some of the best.  So why?  Why did my wife not once, not twice, but several times in our marriage decide that she needed to do that?  After a year of counseling and many gut wrenching days and months I fully understand what happened.  I must admit, I am not surprised.

    My wife had a bad childhood.  I mean pretty bad.  Her Dad was sexually abusive.  Her mom was good at looking the other way and essentially abandoning my wife and her sister.  The family was strife with disfunction.  This was my wife’s formative years.  This is when she was figuring out how the world worked and her world didn’t work well.  She learned as young girl that she had a super power that gave her a sort of high.  She could command attention by being sexual and she could get that “rush”, like crack really, by letting the never ending line of horny guys shower her with “love”.  Her value was based on this “love”.  It is how she measured her worth.  She was wanted. Clinically this is called Love Addiction and Sex Addiction.  Sounds scary.  It is.  My wife was addicted to getting her “crack” fix when the opportunity arose.

    Is this an excuse?  No.  But it IS the reason this all happened.  It IS the theme of her discretions.  It is not because we had a bad marriage.  I know, I was there.

    When she came home from her vacation (the surfer one) it was all on the table.  No more lies.  No more secrets.  Total disclosure.  It was hard.  It devastated me.  This is not me.  I am not this person.  This happens to other people.  Not us.

    I had to make a choice.  It’s not one you can read how to make on a blog.  It’s not one you can ask your best friend what you should do.  It is a choice you can only make when you are faced with the enormity of the situation.  I chose to stay.  I loved my wife and she loved me.  She was as devastated, if not more, as I was.  If there was a marriage worth saving, this was one.  I could not bare to throw away so much good just to make a point or to punish her.

    We have worked very hard this year. Spent a ton on some good counseling.  Read a lot and worked through many workbooks.  We did our homework. We are on this.  So how is it you are wondering?  It’s pretty darn good.  It’s not 100% and I may agree with other that it may never be.  But damn, have we come a long way.  I look back at all the different stages we worked through and all the stages it takes to recover from something like this and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  What made all this possible is that I absolutely know that she is remorseful.  That she is dedicated to her recovery.  That she is owning every ounce of what she did and that she is unwavering in her dedication to making our marriage recover.  She is all in.  Without that, I couldn’t do it.

    I need to complete my journey this next year.  I still struggle with the last 10% of the recovery.  Kind of like loosing the last 10 pounds on your diet.  They are the hardest to loose.  Likewise, this last portion of this journey is proving to be difficult because I am not really sure what I need now.  My world came crashing down.  Everything I knew turned out to be not true.  What will fix that?  I am working on that.  I liken my state of being to a tall ship.  Picture all the sails and rigging and a nice breeze.  I am sailing along pretty good but if you look close, you will see I am missing all those little sails, the funny small ones on the top and the front.  I need to figure out how to raise them so I can sail to my fullest.

    Time is helping and I hope that time will truly heal these wounds as much as possible.

    1. 63.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Love this story. Thanks for sharing in such detail. I have great respect for how you handled things – particularly that you dug deeper to find out the “why” in your wife’s behaviors instead of just focusing on the “what” (the cheating itself). Hope you pull together and live happily ever after.

      1. 63.1.1
        BeenThere

        After reading pages and pages of agonizing failures, it is indeed nice to see one success story. While therapists want you to believe that a majority of affair survivors actually recover (with therapy, of course) the real recovery rate is on the level of the worst diseases (lets say, less than 5%). So, affairs are really devastating and recovery is really rare.

  4. 64
    Belinda

    Mine cheated on me when my kids were tween and teen and although I wanted a divorce, I realized  how difficult it would be for my kids. So I gave him a second chance and I caught him again three years later. That was it. I hated every cell in his body and I wanted to eject him from our home. He wouldn’t admit to it either time until I told him I had proof. My advice is to get out the first time, get a pit bull lawyer and get the best settlement you can. I met a great guy who I trust and I wish I had divorced earlier.  Now my ex is getting remarried and will be someone else’s problem. Cheating IS ABUSE!

  5. 65
    L

    My marriage ended when I discovered promiscuous cheating behavior – not one partner, but many.  There were other issues in the marriage but I could not accept that type of disrespect and dishonesty in my marriage.  Obviously divorce is a personal decision and you are right – while cheating is bad, not all cheating is created equal.  But unless there are kids in the picture, to me, cheating is a definite relationship ended.  With kids, there are so many other variables to consider.  I would not take divorce lightly if there are kids.  I wouldn’t take it lightly ever… But with kids, the impact is so much bigger than you and your pride.

    I agree that it would be very hard to overcome a cheating relationship where the unfaithful partner has developed a long term emotional relationship with someone else.  My ex didn’t really do that and to me, it was even more hurtful that he was willing to risk my health and safety to have meaningless sex with strangers while traveling on business.  I guess it is the nature of the deception – allowing infidelity to happen and hiding it.  Plus my ex tried to blame me when I found out.  That definitely added insult to injury!

    I have forgiven him, but I have not forgotten.  I will never forget the pain and humiliation. We are no longer married and I do not regret my decision to end the relationship.  Ultimately a relationship is built on trust and if you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything.  In my case, I couldn’t have taken him back.  Had it been just one time and he was traveling and drunk and he confessed and was contrite, I would have considered it.  But the cheating plus the deception plus the failure to take responsibility plus the abusivr treatment due to his guilt was just too much to handle.

  6. 66
    pat

    Five years ago, I caught my wife (now ex-wife) having an affair with another man.  As I researched, I found that she had been cheating on me with him for 2 years prior to me finding out.  I was completely devastated, and I asked her if she wanted to divorce.  She stated that she did not want to divorce and wanted to work on the marriage.  We went into marriage counseling and she lied the whole time and continued with the affair.  After a while, she finally stopped the affair.  But over the following five years, she had (which I found out later) six additional affairs.

    Finally last year, I threw in the towel and filed for divorce.  She did everything she could to make it a bitter divorce.  I tried to be helpful and compassionate, because I really love her.  After we got divorced a few months later we agreed to work together and actually try to rebuild.  We both made an agreement to each other to not date others.  Then over Easter weekend, while I had my son, she sent me text messages stating that she had plans with friends.  I checked on what she said and found that she was lying to me.  On Easter Sunday, I went over to her place to talk.  She had her lover there and had spent the entire weekend with him.

    She continued to lie to me stating that she never had the opportunity to tell me that she was going to sleep with other people.  I now have decided to never trust her again.  I was a fool to ever believe her.  I now am left with nothing but bitter memories and anger to this person.  If she would have only approached me as an adult, I would of at least understood.  She has proven to me that she cares about no one but herself.  I now wish I would have divorced her more than 5 years ago and I really wish I would have NEVER met her.

  7. 67
    MikeTO

    “That’s no way to heal things – even according to the couples therapist. Concludes the NYT piece, “While intense therapy may help rebuild the relationship, rarely do couples regain complete trust. “You forgive, but you don’t forget,” says Ms. O’Shea.

    Would you be able to forgive a partner who cheated? Or would you end the relationship on the spot? I think there’s a huge difference between, “I got drunk on a business trip and it happened and I’m horrified and I’ll never do it again” vs. “I’ve been having a two-year relationship with someone else and I think I’m in love with her.” The former can be saved if both parties want it. The latter is a systematic, long-term lie, which means you’re married to a systematic long-term liar.”

    You are so wrong. I met this one woman on the internet and she was married. She told me her hubby cheated on her and she was very upset. However when we both just played online game and teasingly flirted, meaning I wasn’t serious with the flirt so thought maybe she could save the marriage. She decided to work it out and with two months they were closer than ever. He had to do a lot to prove he really loved her and would never do that again.
    She wanted me to meet her and her husband but I refused since I wasn’t working during that time and couldn’t really afford flying to another country.

    A person can be love in with one person and still cheat. The problem is the person isn’t get what he really wants. Usually for a man he isn’t being respected. He cheats to get respect from another woman.

    Btw if your wife knew how to ask you the right way to take out the garbage you would do it without being reminded. Men are problem solvers so if a woman ask her solve a problem, which is garbage not being taken out. So if she ask you how can fix the garbage problem, you have the answer. You will do it because you’re solving a problem and you will be respected for solving the problem. However if you wife reminds you to take our the garbage, especially with an attitude it is unlikely you will do it next time.

    Btw solving problems even the small ones raises a man’s testosterone which is his happy chemical.

  8. 68
    Bill

    My wife had an emotional affair over 20 years ago with a coworker, that lasted for months until I found out about it.  We would have certainly divorced except for our young children and financial problems which made splitting up untenable.  It took her almost 2 years to tell me she loved me again.  Things have never been the same since.  The devastation, pain and misery I went through from her betrayal and the length of time it took her to come back to me emotionally has basically killed my ability to love completely.  Our kids have been out of the house for years and my wife and I actually get along pretty well now, but it’s all superficial – there is no depth to our relationship and there hasn’t been in over 20 years.

    Part of me just wants to call it quits, but on a day to day basis life is actually OK, and at 58 I’m not sure what’s out there for me at this point.  We went to marriage counseling for a number of months, but she never opened up, and was unwilling to reexamine the affair and it’s aftermath, so we gave up on that.  Now I don’t think I could ever trust a woman fully again.  I’m just not sure what I’m going to do.

  9. 69
    Y

    I do not know how long all these stories were told, but I went through them avidly and feeling sadder every time. It does seem there is no use in trying to fix things, as most of the people who had done it crashed into another episode of infidelity. I must join them, unfortunately, as I had gone through finding out affairs (yes, in plural) back in 2008 and after much saying and promising, having 2 kids aged 5 and 7 at the time, I trusted him again. I truly did. Only to find out 2 months ago he never stop having at least another couple of relationships with women, this time even younger than me (He’s 11 years my senior). There are no words to express how I have been feeling. He was my secondary school teacher, I met him 30 years ago last September, started to date him when I was 14. Everything in my life, good and bad, is related to him. I simply can’t bear living anymore. I go through every day like an alcoholic in recovery, a day at a time, for the sake of my children -now 13 and 15. But I honestly just want to die.

  10. 70
    Me

    I found out that my husband cheated for about 6 months. We are married for 15 years and everything we have built over these years seem to be fake. 2 children and he is a good father. They went a holiday together. He is very remorseful and I believe his remorse. I don’t know what to do. I have forgiven him and i feel in 6 months time our relation will either be stronger or we will have to go on our separate ways. Its just been less than a week and the pain is unbearable.

    I realise that the pain is worse thinking about the conscious choice he made, organising their holidays together, planning on going out together, doing things together than the actual physical sex act.

    I have lost faith and I know he is genuinely sorry. But there is no guarantee it will not happen again but we have communicated, found the unresolved issues, and I do have a hope for better and stronger future but I am also prepared to move on as a single parent

  11. 71
    c wrenn

    Adultery ruins a relationship for good.  In every case, trust becomes the insurmountable hurdle.  If a cheater has cheated once, there will always be doubt in the mind of the spouse cheated on. That doubt leads to frustration, resentment, separation, a depreciation in the value of a promise, and self-doubt.  Nothing a cheater can do will convince the spouse in an ultimate sense that the cheater will not cheat again because the cheater has proven that he/she is capable of cheating.  Unless a cheated upon spouse will be satisfied with a superficial or “open” marriage, he/she should exit the marriage as soon as possible and do everything possible to start a new relationship with someone he/she believes deeply to be honest and trustworthy.  Trust is possible in a new relationship because the new partner is not the cheater.  The cheated upon spouse should reveal everything in the new relationship and discuss in detail his/her feelings about suffering through the adultery. 

  12. 72
    Boogaloo

    No, cheating is not always abuse. I’m going to tell you what I think it’s an exception.

    Sometimes the abuser gets cheated on. And deserves it.

    I’ve been trying to talk my husband into a divorce. He is giving me the cold shoulder for 3 months at a time, where he will not even say one word to me. I  can’t sleep on those  periods of time, and I’ll be so lonely.   When he walks by its with a very intense and evil glare.  They will be for the minor infractions, perhaps just  not pulling the shower curtain back correctly.   The distraught feeling makes me not sleep well, and so I get very forgetful and ineffective at life, including paying the power bill. Then it turns into a domino effect, with him becoming even more yelling and abusive. Then when I can’t take the yelling anymore I tried to put a pillow over my head and pull the blanket up all over me and turn off the light. But it then he comes in and starts pulling blankets off of me.

    I’ve asked him to leave numerous times, and even gave him divorce papers for an uncontested divorce. He refused to leave  call me until I told him that I had  filed four separate police reports on him, and that tonight was going to be the 5th if he didn’t quit trying to put his hands on me.   He payed the deposit on an apartment and gave me his move out date. When the move out date came, he never moved away. He said that he loses his deposit  but that he never actually signed the lease itself.  Now he’s blaming me for losing his deposit.

    He gave me some lame excuse claiming that I said I would work on our marriage, and that was the reason he didn’t leave. No I never wanted to work on it anymore after I gave him the divorce papers. I want him out of my life. I also have a job in town, which is suffering. I’m about to lose my job because he keeps me up all night. I’ll go to bed at 9 o’clock, thinking I can get up the next morning feeling good, only to have him come in at 1 o’clock a.m. turn on the light and start yelling about something. Then I have go to work the next day so tired, and ineffective at my job. I’ve already been counceled for this.

    I inherited the family farm, complete with livestock, so it’s not practical for me to be the one to pack up and leave. He knows nothing about operating the farm, or taking care of the animals. He has not even tried to learn during our several years marriage. He yells at me constantly, and calls me the worst names you can imagine. My entire weekend is nothing but being yelled at. I’ve had to get in the pickup truck at night, and sleep for a couple hours. I usually park in the back pasture until the dust settles. Sometimes he’ll be waiting up for me, and if I don’t block his phone number,  I’ll get 50 phone calls. If I ever answer one it’s going to be nothing but intense verbal abuse over the phone.

    I have a lot of different friends that sometime text me just say hello, and on one of those nights that I was sleeping in my pickup truck to get away from the verbal abuse, we just seem to connect. A week later another episode of having to sleep in my truck and we connected again. A second abuse episode that same week, and I told him I was going to go to a late night burger joint and would he join me. I know I’m in an emotional affair with him right now, but if I didn’t have him in my life I would lose my job, and not be able to function. The thing is my marriage is basically over, except illegally. I feel so trapped because my husband won’t leave.

    Every time I have to stay in town to work late or to run errands, he get so jealous and angry if I don’t hear the phone. He’s gotten even worse since he knows I don’t want to be with him, but everytime I try to respond to his jealousy and anger, he shuts me down and won’t let me talk to him. He won’t let me tell him that I want jim to leave. I’ve tried leaving him letters, and emailing him. But it just inspires more anger. He has his rear end planted so firmly here that I just don’t know how to unglue him, and make him leave.

     

     

     

  13. 73
    Robert Miller

    My answer is no – you never ever reclaim the innocence and you never will fully trust again.

    Let’s get this FACT out there women cheat more than men

  14. 74
    maggie

    i am currently in an affair of 3years and 10% of the time has been happiness and the rest is sadness..this guy constantly cheats,apologises nd goes back to do it again.our so called affair has been on nd off..when I try to move on he comes crawling back.we have a kid together now 1 year old.both of us came into the affair with two kids each.he proposed in 2014 in church,nd as he was on the verge of going ahead with the marriage negotiations he stopped soon after the baby was born..and now he has impregnanted a girl whom they talk behind my back.when yet he had told me and apologized that it was a mistake..i was ready to move on til I found out that they are still communicating behind my back and the man says its for the sake of the baby..we had a misunderstanding and he moved out..its bin 4 days I dnt know where he tays but well am hurt but I m happy I did nothing wrong..i tried to forgive a number of times but its not working out for me as am the one who gets hurt in the end..i have decided I give him space cos clearly he has divided attention..

    I dnt have a problem if he goes for her for she l also see the betrayal..he has taken all my strength..to me he has abused me emotionally and wouldn’t dare apologise but put the blame on me.so I dnt think I can rebuild the affair with him cause clearly he wont change,will always play the two of us..if we were to marry he l justb be pinning me down..i hate infidelity and honestly I have given up on true love cos real men are hard to find..

  15. 75
    anonymous

    I am in complete agreement with you, Rose, no ranting here.  There is a reason that the infidelity occurs, and it isn’t because someone happened to have a free night.  You don’t cheat in a marriage when you are happy and in love, regardless of what some people say.  It absolutely confounds me when a woman discovers her husbands affairs, then stays, and acts like she has won some type of prize.  I am not minimizing the pain, but to say that they are “staying for the kids”, because they are actually “in love”, or any of the other many inane reasons, I simply shake my head.  Parading a dysfunctional, loveless marriage as an example of normal to your children is no favor at all.  In an ideal world, I think that spouses would leave when they realize they are no longer happy or in love, and not try and lead double lives, which ultimately bring everyone involved pain.  On the flip side, when the spouse discovers a protracted infidelity, there should be no question as to the next step.  End it, and do everyone involved a big favor.

    1. 75.1
      AnnaMae

      Honestly, a lot of times the cheated on isn’t really happy or getting his/her needs met either. In fact, I’ve heard many stories where the faithful spouse is putting in more effort than he/she is receiving. Possibly because that’s not a real high bar to clear. So many people focus on the cheater’s needs and happiness without questioning if the other person was happy. The faithful spouse is probably a lot more likely to find a big prize by leaving than by staying.

  16. 76
    Changed

    Its neverquite the same because of the violated trust.

    . I dont see him as loving and adoring me, because I feel that was his role with her. He has tried to be a better husband.  I just dont put myself in the way of being hurt emotionally even though I see him having changed.  I never will let myself fully trust him that way again. However, there are things I appreciate, and feel that we could actually have a good marraige.  I just dont see him the same way anymore. That has changed now that my eyes have been opened to the truth. He worked hard to keep her.  That makes me feel like I was not his priority.  No matter what he does now, I feel differently about him.

  17. 77
    Ash M

    I’m the cheating partner, I’ve been together with my Partner for 5 years. 1 year into the relationship I went to a Stag party, go drunk and slept with someone. This same person FB’d me the very next morning with explicit messages. My partner saw. My immediate reaction was to deny it, and I denied it for a very long time. I didn’t want to loose her. After a while it ate me up inside. I love my partner and care for her so very much. Between my mistake and to where I am today, we grew and grew and loved each other so much it was amazing. But I still had that evil inside me that I could not bare. I was not that person anymore. I knew I wanted to be with my partner and I care for her more than anything in the world. But it ate me up inside.

    I see a lot of message on here that seem to say that a cheater will always be a cheater. I cheated once 5 years ago and haven’t done it since, why? Because like any other human being I made a terrible mistake. Something that I did has hurt more people than I could imagine. Do I want that again? Of course not. Do I love my partner? Yes more than anything in the world.

    10 month ago I came clean. I was tired of the lies, the hurt, it eating me inside. I came clean. Now I could loose the single most beautiful thing in the world. You may ask “if she’s so beautiful to you then why did you do it?”. Simply, I didn’t love her as much then as I do now. I think that may potentially be the same for any relationship. Who can honestly say that they loved their partner 1 year into the relationship with as much passion and intrigue as they do 5, 10, 15 years on? Love and passion grow over time.

    I regret with my whole being what I have done, what I could loose and who I have hurt. I’m still comprehending the full magnitude of what I have done, the more I contemplate these things the more I start to realize and feel the hurt I have caused. Maybe this is my punishment for making one stupid decision. Maybe it is my punishment to loose everything I hold dare. My love, my daughter, my home, my life…… all gone because of one decision.

    If I could pray for 1 thing, it would be for me too feel my partners pain. To feel and see the anxiety, mistrust and embarrassment I have caused. I wish I could take that from her and hold it in me she would never have to feel that pain again. I did this so I should be the one that holds al the pain not her.

    I love her, and I hope that one day she could see that I am not the same man that made that mistake. That I would never do it again, and that my love for her is pure and true.

     

    AM

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