My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?

My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me.  I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?

I dated my ex for 16 months. We broke up with no hints of getting back together. 2 weeks later I had a one night stand with someone I don’t know. 1 week later, my ex calls and indicates we should try to get back together. In subsequent discussions, she asks me if I had slept with anyone. Being an honest man, I reluctantly told her yes. She is furious and hurt and is accusing me of cheating and lying to her. I want to be with her, never wanted to be without her (she pushed the breakup), and am disappointed that I hurt her, BUT, do not feel like I cheated or lied. Where do I go from here? Lay low and see if time helps or go all in again and try to win her over again?

Thanks.

Brian

Dear Brian,

You did nothing wrong.

You were broken up.

You had no hints of getting back together.

You did what pretty much any guy would do after a sixteen month relationship.

That doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods yet, but it does mean you’re technically “right”. The problem is that having truth and logic on your side matters very little when discussing emotional issues. This, by the way, is the main reason that I blog. I try to inject a little male logic into the largely feminine realm of relationship discussions. (This does NOT mean women are illogical – I’m just making a generalization here). I don’t actively hope to change the world, but I do hope to observe the world AS IT IS, as opposed to how it SHOULD be.

She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman.

Your girlfriend is caught up in how it SHOULD be. After a long, serious relationship – one in which she still had feelings for you – she was clearly hoping for some dating moratorium. She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman. And then, when she came back to reconcile with her beloved, she was shocked to discover that you had drowned your sorrows in the cleavage of another woman during – GASP! – a meaningless one-night stand. The gall! The disrespect! Did your relationship just mean NOTHING?

It feels pretty ridiculous to type those last few lines because they make no logical sense. You were broken up. You did when men do when they’re single – look for other women. When my serious girlfriend dumped me in 2004, I left her house, red-eyed, drove ten minutes home, and reactivated my JDate account instantly. Would I want to be the first woman to date me after my heart had been shattered? Hell, no. But I certainly wasn’t going to repair my wounds by sitting at home by myself for a month….

This isn’t to say that I don’t have sympathy for your ex-girlfriend. It’s just that it’s HER job to get over this bump in the road. There’s nothing you could do at this point that’s going to fix things. Especially since she asked for your honesty and you gave it to her.

This brings up a rant that I’ve always wanted to have in public forum. It stems from a conversation with a girlfriend from 4-5 years back – a girlfriend that I loved, a girlfriend who was deeply distrustful of men. It was based on her personal experience – she’d been cheated upon, and even dated a polyamorist at a time. As a result, I remember her telling me, point-blank, early in the relationship (and repeatedly thereafter):

“If you ever cheat on me, you’d better tell me. I do not tolerate cheaters and I will break up with you.”

And, me, ever the wise-ass, replied, with a twinkle in my eye, “Well, if you’d break up with me, why would I tell you that I cheated?”

And she’d reply: “Because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the manly thing to do. You’d want to have integrity, right?”

And I’d reply: “Yeah, but what if I made a god-awful mistake – say, drunkenly kissing a stranger at a party in Vegas? What if I made a mistake that I instantly regretted and would never repeat? What if I knew I would never intentionally jeopardize my relationship for any other woman again? What possible incentive would I have to confess, presuming that you’re instantly going to dump me for ‘honorably’ telling you? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

I’m not defending cheating. I am saying that I was living in the real world, and she was living in the fantasy world. In the real world, when someone cheats and realizes the consequences are dire, he’s got no incentive to confess. I can spit gum on the street in Singapore and turn myself in so I can get caned, or I can deny, deny, deny. I can “borrow” lines from a book when writing a term paper, and then tell the professor that I plagiarized, but that wouldn’t be too wise.

You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

So while I’m not encouraging cheaters, let’s understand what logical behavior follows after infidelity: lies to cover up. You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

To wrap up, I want to offer a quote from Ramana Hamarshi, “Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.”

If you’re frustrated with the dialogue here and expect to change men or women, make no mistake about it, you’re trying to cover the world with leather.

 

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Nervous Nellie

    This thread struck a chord. Just yesterday, my boyfriend asked me if I had sex with anyone else while we were broken up. Unlike Brian, however, our relationship was only about 2 months old when I broke it off with him. Like Brian, I was honest and said I did have a one-night stand, but I did regret it afterwards. It happened because I was feeling very undesired, unattractive and OLD. I am 44-years old and he is 26. He did not react very well to my honesty, and is wondering now if I will cheat on him.

    Evan’s response, Steve’s post (#25) and Ron’s post (#41) made me feel better, but I still wonder if I should have lied to him since it really is none of his business.

  2. 62
    hunter

    to brian,

    You were broken up, nothing wrong with seeing someone else, but, most women don’t understand that. Next time, use diplomacy, be tactful(don’t tell her the truth). What ever you do with your body is very personal, no ones business.

  3. 63
    JerseyGirl

    Evan:
    “Actually, Jersey, you’re missing one side of the story. You keep on looking at this from the victim’s perspective instead of saying, If I cheated, would I confess? And if so, why? That was the entire point of my post. ”
    —————————————————————————-
    I’m not missing what you are saying. I just don’t find what I would or wouldn’t do, condusive to the topic. I never cheated, I have had the chance to. If I ever did cheat, I would have to tell them because I don’t think I could live with that relationship on good terms. It would eat away at me. I guess the “incentive” for me would be to confess to something I did wrong and at least in that respect, try to save some part of my intregrity. But for the cheater to look for their “incentive” to to do the right thing from the person they cheated on, is another cop out to something else they already copped out on. I could see why someone would do that, because they would be a complete douche. But I hardly find it to be an excuse or justification for their behavior. Or even all that much of a truly “rational” one. Just because you can rationalize a behavior, doesn’t mean it is actually all that “rational”.

  4. 64
    Hot Alpha Female

    Hunter,
    While you make a very valid point, I think that honesty is always the best policy. Yes brian was broken up when he slept with that girl, so technically he wasn’t cheating. Technically he hasn’t done anything wrong. Technically he doesn’t have to tell anyone anything.

    But i think that he should tell her anyways. No she isnt going to act favourably. She isnt going to go ” ohh you slept with someone else why we were broken up” and start jumping up and down for joy.

    Its a bit of a predicatment and both outcomes are not looking favourable.

    I mean if you tell her, then she will be upset. If you dont tell her, will it eat start to eat you up? will you start feeling guilty, like you are not telling her the whole truth.

    I think you should be honest with her, if she can accept it .. then she is a girl that is worth to cont to have a relationship with. If she can’t … then why do you want to be with her anyways.

    If she can’t get over it .. the relationship wont go anywhere, anyways

    Hot Alpha Female

  5. 65
    lorelei

    On whether or not it benefits the cheater to confess, I’d like to agree to disagree on this one, Evan. Because what you define as logical behavior or a “win” is informed by your own value judgments, which have more to do with emotion than reason… namely, that it would be more beneficial for you to keep the relationship you have – even if it means having to lie to someone you care about – than it is to come clean, and therefore, for you, that might be the logical choice.

    However, your logical choice assumes “integrity” and “doing the right thing” have less subjective value than maintaining status quo in the relationship. Others may not feel the same, myself and your ex-gf included.

    I liked what Murray T. had to say because he drew attention to the fact that “self-preservation” is defined differently depending on the type of individual. He knows it’s true as you say, Evan, that “self-preservation is almost always going to win out”, but for some, self-preservation means hanging onto someone you’re attached to even if it means concealing the truth in the process. For others, self-preservation is primarily about repairing one’s relationship with oneself — to be able to look back and know you were accountable for your mistakes, that you respected the partner in your relationship enough to not deny that person facts on which to make an informed decision.

    So in that way, I don’t see it as logical or a win/win to follow one’s error in judgment with more dishonest behavior. How is it a “win” to give yourself even more reason to dislike yourself?

    As far as putting myself in the cheater’s shoes instead of the victim’s, well, that’s easy for me. In younger days, I had my less proud moments of cheating, which I instantly regretted. On two separate occasions, as a matter of fact. Both times, I felt like dirt. During the first incident, my initial decision was to want to hide what I’d done and carry on with the relationship as though nothing happened.

    I take it you’re familiar with Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-tale Heart”? Well it was like that. Not only was the self-criticism unbearable; I also started seeing my boyfriend differently. He became the dupe, a cuckhold, someone I (irrationally) respected less. It became obvious that what I needed to end those negative thoughts was full disclosure.

    This boyfriend forgave me. When I cheated on a later boyfriend, he wasn’t so forgiving and broke up with me on the spot. I’m glad I told him the truth anyway. The pain of losing him is long gone, but the pride of having taken the high road is still with me.

    Thing is…I’m not invalidating your point. For some, maybe it truly is the best thing for them to continue on with the deception, if they have the stomach for it. But I, personally, would want my partner to handle the situation in the same way I had done in the past.

    So I see your point, Evan. I hope you can see mine, and perhaps realize that your ex-gf doesn’t deserve so much vitriol for having held “moralist” opinions that perhaps weren’t so “absolutist” or “pie-in-the-sky” after all, seeing as how quite a number of your readers are sympathetic to her viewpoint.

  6. 66
    wildgingersnap

    If you’ve cheated, you’ve already compromised your integrity and voluntarily confessing isn’t going to restore part of it.

    Confessing because it’s “eating away at you” is actually kind of selfish: you’re trying to shift some of the burden of your guilt to the other person and all it will do is destroy their peace of mind. If you can’t live with the relationship “on good terms”, then you should simply end it.

    But if you know you’ve screwed up and are absolutely, positively committed to not cheating again, then the kinder thing to do is not say anything and deal with the guilt on your own.

  7. 67
    Evan Marc Katz

    I hear you, Lorelei, and I happen to concur with you personally. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to pull off cheating, much less lying about it. However, I will continue to maintain my very same original point: if a person DOES cheat, they are more likely than not going to attempt to conceal it, rather than confess. It kind of goes with the cheating thing. And I think a lot of readers weren’t truly thinking of what they would do as cheaters, but rather as victims who would want to know the whole truth.

    Simple comparison: We hate to admit this, but it’s okay if WE lie about our age, height, or weight online. I mean, just a little fudging, you know, because people aren’t really giving us a fair shot. But how DARE anyone else lie to us about these substantive things? It’s easy to say that we should/would all tell the truth; reality proves to us that most people lie if it’s in their best interests. And hey, if clearing your conscience is more in your best interests than preserving the relationship, kudos to you. You are, in my opinion, in the minority.

    I think this topic has been played out. I’m gonna stay off the boards. Thanks to all for their respectful and insightful commentary.

    Ev

  8. 68
    JerseyGirl

    Comparing “fudging” on a profile to lying about cheating on someone, are not on the same scale.

  9. 69
    Markus

    You know, I don’t condone cheating but Samantha’s post #17 seems a bit over the top. Sam, how noble are you being if you were willing to set up recording equipment to record an orgasm as revenge. I’m also a little curious of this guy recording your ex with 2 girls. What kind of circles are you running in? More importantly, I would like to caution Evan over leaving this post up as I think it could get him into legal trouble down the road. Evan, if I’m you I delete that post.

  10. 70
    Anonymous

    Ron- my name is Rachel, but what the hell does that matter? I’m not afraid to state my name, I just feel as though it doesn’t give anything more away about me, so it is trivial. Grow up, says the person who criticized this woman for not being impervious to emotion. Right.

  11. 71
    hunter

    To Haf,

    There are very few women that will forgive a man for doing what Brian did, even if they have broken up. And if they do, forgive, they won’t forget, and bring it up every chance they get. From another perspective, most men don’t realize, ridding oneself of guilt feelings, hurts women.

  12. 72
    Hot Alpha Female

    Hunter,
    I think that is very true aswell. Girls want to know the truth, but when it is something they don’t like to hear, they still get pissed.

    I think if brian made that decision to sleep with someone else, then he has the deal with the concequences. That being that he can’t get back with his ex girlfriend or whatver.

    But hey you live and learn.

    Hot Alpha Female

  13. 73
    jonquil

    hunter-
    it’s true that sometimes the one cheated on is better off not knowing, but I think it’s condescending for a cheater to make the decision: “oh, s/he just can’t handle it so I’ll generously spare my partner the truth”. The cheater was just being selfish by cheating, and then belatedly shows concern for the partner just cheated on? Doesn’t add up. “S/he just can’t handle it” is more often than not a convenient excuse to be weak and dishonest.

    evan,
    I’m a little confused by your last comment in this thread. You concur with lorelei and wouldn’t cheat or lie to a partner, but are upset at your former partner for asking you to be straightforward which you said you would do anyway? That sounds like a weird lover’s quarrel to me.

    Also I don’t think your original point was “if a person DOES cheat, they are more likely than not going to attempt to conceal it”. (I agree.) I think your original point was that your ex was “absolutist, moralist, pie-in-the-sky” for asking you not to conceal a hypothetical indiscretion. But then you basically agree with her morals?

    Perhaps your former partner brought the topic up repeatedly because she was confused by your answer too.

    Jonq

  14. 74
    Evan Marc Katz

    Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in!

    Once and for all, this was always an intellectual debate for me, both on this thread and in the relationship 5 years ago. It was never personal since a) I’ve never cheated. b) I don’t plan on cheating, c) I have such an incredibly guilty conscience and am so anxiety prone that it would be massively stupid to cheat.

    And yet, if I DID cheat and DIDN’T want to lose my relationship (because I’ve already been assured that I will), I can easily understand why I’d attempt to conceal it. It may result in my utter internal destruction, but, as we’ve established, self-preservation is a powerful thing. Why this is hard for some readers to reconcile, I’m not sure, but it makes perfect sense to me.

  15. 75
    jonquil

    I think the reason it’s difficult for your readers to wrap their heads around your position, Evan, is that they can’t as “easily understand why [you'd] attempt to conceal it.”

    As has been repeated by several posters, the “self-preservation” reflex is strong, but again, what one reflexively does in “self-preservation” varies by individual.

  16. 76
    Selena

    Evan,
    That premise is not hard at all for readers to reconcile. What you wrote though, was that telling a partner you would leave them if they cheated was giving them an INCENTIVE to lie to you if they did cheat. The partner delivering such a statement would do so in the hopes it would be an incentive NOT to cheat.

    Not that it really matters, if someone is gonna cheat, they’re gonna cheat and they already know they are putting their relationship on the line if their partner finds out. Whether they confess, whether the partner finds out another way, and regardless if the repercussions of cheating were ever discussed in advance or not.

    I’d be curious as to the percentage of cheaters who actually do confess as opposed to those who try to keep the secret. I suspect the latter far outweigh the former–cheating and lying going hand in hand they way they do. Self-preservation? Sure. But if telling someone upfront they’re out if they cheat doesn’t make them think twice about it, what would?

    Personally, I wouldn’t tell a partner that, I don’t see the point, it should be rather assumed. But I can see how another person would put it right up on the table and not see it as an invitation to be lied to.

  17. 77
    jonquil

    Also, Evan, I’d like to respectfully point out that being able to empathize with a person who would lie after cheating to preserve a relationship is not a purely intellectual exercise. It takes some injection of one’s personal experiences & inclinations to take that position.

  18. 78
    Jeannie

    Brian you were absolutely totally right in that you were technically free to do what you wanted. But Evan is also right – this is the “real world” and most women aren’t going to see that you are technically right. And here is why. for most of us women are brains are just hardwired to instinctually think sex=love. Its not logical to men – but its instinctual to women – it is what it is and we can’t help feeling that way (God knows many of us wish we could have sex with no attachment!). You spent 16 months ostensibly making love to this woman. And in a blink of an eye (in a woman’s timeframe) after your break up, you went out and did the exact same act with a woman you didn’t know. So what were you telling your girlfriend of 16 months by your actions in her language and her logic? That by having sex with her all those months, she meant as much to you as a one night stand?

    And let’s not forget about the other woman. She is not a blow up doll but a human being and a woman which means the odds are pretty high that she was thinking sex=love. For all you know, she could have been a victim of child sexual abuse who thinks the only way she is lovable is through sex. Or she could naively have been thinking (and so many of us women have fallen into this trap) that the connection you shared that night was so amazing that you were her soulmate and that is why you were having sex with her. She could also be desperate to have a baby and you could have been the unwitting sperm bank and child support check. Do you know if she is crying on her girlfriends shoulders now about the man who used her? What to you was just a grief stricken one night stand is pretty big stuff to a woman. Women are looking for gentlemen – and gentlemen don’t use women for sex. You effectively told your girlfriend that you are not gentleman so of course she is not going to want to be with you.

    I am sorry to be so harsh Brian. I really think you are good guy who was just acting out on misery. But if you want a relationship with a woman, then understanding a woman’s perspective in these matters is critical. I am sorry to say you have lost her – even if you get her back, she will never think of you the same way or respect you as before. Move on and learn from your experience. Best of luck to you!

  19. 79
    hunter

    to Jeannie,

    What a wonderful response!….How true that women marry from the neck down….Men marry on paper with a certificate.

  20. 80
    Selena

    Wow Jeannie. That was powerful. Thanks for writing that–an unvarnished truth.

  21. 81
    vino

    I respectfully disagree with Jeannie. One of the great freedoms that have occurred over the last 45+ years is the freedom to be more sexual. this was driven by the feminist movement, who argued that marriage was essentially slavery for women. It used to be that for a man to have sex, he had to marry. Both parties were bound. Once the ‘sexual revolution’ began and it was no longer taboo to have sex without marrying, women were freed from the ‘slavery’ of marriage. Or relationships, for that matter.

    However, men were freed also. Men like Brian no longer have to marry to have sex. Same for women, BTW. In other words, women can have sex with whomever they, but so can men. As Brian proved, a plentiful supply exists of ladies who simply don’t mind a one night stand. I respectfully offer women whose “brains are just hardwired to instinctually think sex=love. Its not logical to men – but its instinctual to women – it is what it is and we can’t help feeling that way (God knows many of us wish we could have sex with no attachment!),” simply want to have it both ways, and are not truly ‘hardwired’ that way. There are plenty of women in Europe, for example, who just ‘need it’ when they’d like to have it, and don’t require a commitment for it. You also see this (US) here regarding “Friends With Benefits”

    “That by having sex with her all those months, she meant as much to you as a one night stand?” – Yes. THEY WERE APART. SHE HAS NO BASIS TO COMMENT. End of story. One of the best ways to get over a breakup is to have some meaningless sex as soon as possible. It’s such a boost to the self-esteem. Funy, it also damages Brian’s ex’s self-esteem, which is probably why she’s pissed. Good job, Bri. To Brian’s girlfriend: Too bad.

    Also, for Brian, others have said the same thing – if your ex is this pissed about you having sex with someone else while she’s an ex, what do you think will happen if you got back with her? Hell, she’d never forget it, never let you forget it, and will try to use it against you at every turn. Finally, to add insult to injury, she’ll probably go bang someone else WILE YOU ARE TOGETHER, just to ‘show you.’ Stay far, far away from this girl.

    Jeannie created a whole backstory for Brian’s one night stand using facts that simply do not exist, making this girl a victim. Unbelievable. Perhaps she is all the things Jeannie said (making the one night stand a victim). So? Perhaps she just wanted to get laid, nothing more. No victims there.

    ‘Gentlemen’ is one of those loaded terms that mean whatever the particular user wants it to mean. “Women are looking for gentlemen – and gentlemen don’t use women for sex.” – Nice victimization language. There’s no ‘using’ if both parties consent.

    Salient point Biran, is that you don’t ‘need’ a relationship to have sex. You’ve already proved that. Perhaps all of the hackles raise for the ladies on the board is that Brian just proved that his girlfriend was easily replaced. All girlfriends are, for that matter. Same applies to men too, BTW.

    Further salient point, Brian – If you want a relationship with a woman, the stuff posted here and that you see in your ex are what you have to deal with more often than not. You have to ask if it’s worth it.

    That’s my opinion.

  22. 82
    Deathslayer

    My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?
    *
    She’s an EX!!!

    Unless she is paying bills, giving you money or you’re staying with her, WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS?!!

    She dropped you, you replaced her. Once she leaves, she’s no longer YOUR problem. If you want to be her emotional tampon and vibrator in reserve, that’s your call.

    The fact that you feel bad that you actually got laid from another woman who is not her shows you are still a HUMAN MALE.

    Why get back with her? If she dumped you once, she’ll do it again.

  23. 83
    missy

    vino: “Jeannie created a whole backstory for Brian’s one night stand using facts that simply do not exist,”

    Now that’s a cracked pot calling the kettle black! Anyone else here read vino’s work of fiction – a.k.a. the “backstory” about – the woman who had kept her ex-bf’s baby? (refer to the topic Where Are All the Cute, Stable, Successful, Funny, Interesting Men?) Perhaps that woman told her ex he didn’t have be a father to the child or contribute a cent to the kid’s upbringing. No victims there either.

  24. 84
    vino

    No, missy, but he was to blame for the failed relationship because he didn’t want the baby, remember? Please read carefully before some silly personal attack.

    Oh, and BTW, Jeannie did create facts that don’t exist.

  25. 85
    Nervous Nellie

    Last month, I had told my bf that “if you want to be alone and go through things alone, then fine” (he was being a total jerk) . That same day, I decided to take a call from another man I have seen occasionally at work. It was just a call. We did NOT make plans to see each other, but were just “feeling” each other out because we both were a little nervous about seeing someone from work and the possible gossip and effect on our respective reputations should that happen. The following day, bf texted me telling me we were officially over. I texted him back and told him that I thought it was over since the day before and I had started talking to someone else.

    When I got back together with my bf, he gave me a hard time about that phone call, stating that I did not waste much time finding someone else, and even his roommate had said I was untrustworthy because I had started talking to someone else that day. I told bf that it was none of his business what I did when we were not together and that the fact I started talking to someone else so soon was not either. The attention being paid to me by someone kind and considerate was a balm and reminded me that there were other fish in the sea.

    We had not been dating that long…being on/off since September. I did not feel the need to mourn anything, particularly since he was a jerk at the end.

    That we are together again is a different story. I just wanted to reiterate my belief that once two people are broken up, what either one of them does afterwards isn’t the other’s business. And I told him he had no right to ask me about what I did while we were briefly broken up, but I did not have anything to hide. It was just a phone call.

  26. 86
    The Other Guy

    Really enjoyed reading the therapeutic posts!
    I’m a guy who broke up with my girlfriend of ten months, and she dated/slept with another guy two weeks later (they met a week after we broke up). Yes, according to a mutual friend we were technically broken up, and there is the shallow argument people are free to do as they please, but serious relationships deserve some respect, people generally put a lot into them, and feel strongly, deeply. Example: she wanted to marry me, have children, etc.Of course they no longer see each other. We’re back together.

    We broke up not because we didn’t love each other, we did. I lived two hours away, was going through a job change and it was uncertain where that would take me, farther away from her? Didn’t know. After 3 weeks I called, learned what happened, was devastated, moved to the same city she lives in and committed to a career change and her. It was a radical and ridiculous move, a desperate act by a man in love, doing whatever it took to save a relationship, I still question my sanity at times. And it’s been rough, what she did hurt like a m*********er, caused doubt, trust issues now, not sure I knew her, etc She seemed to regret it, hate herself for it. So I’m trying to.forget it, understand it, and to some degree I do, but a woman who says I want to marry you, have your children, etc you wouldn’t really expect her to move on that quickly.nor would you a guy.

    As for Brian sure, technically you did nothing wrong, it’s a gray area though. Relationships of a year or more deserve some respect, others that give themselves to relationships that long, deserve some respect, and this you do with actions, deeds, not words. Your ex is filled with doubt, wonder, perhaps some confusion, all she needs is you help rejuvenate that. The argument you have the license to f*** yourself silly the moment a LTR is over is simply immature, not mindful, nor deep nor genuine nor sincere. People ideally should show each other respect, show relationships respect. If you can’t show a relationship respect on leaving it, what do expect to show the next relationship that comes along? It’s an attitude, and ideal, best keep those deep and genuine and away from banal excuse for self indulgent behavior.

  27. 87
    hunter

    To the other guy, on Post #86

    We try and relate to each other for a minimum of 12 months, all this time, collecting information, about your partner. During all this, we try not to bare our soul….

  28. 88
    Andres

    Brian

    You have nothing to feel bad about. You were broken up and I suggest you let her go. No matter what just move on.

    You broke up for a reason and it’s obvious you can still have pick up skills with woman.

    Take that to the next night out with your buddies and enjoy yourself!

  29. 89
    Jessa

    Oh wow, this really kind of strikes a chord. My opinion is this. If they really said that they were not getting back together and meant it at the time, him having sex with someone else doesn’t mean that he cheated on her–BUT

    I think for him to have sex that soon was low. A 16th month relationship? To have a ONS is purely immature and demeans what sex is about. The fact that he is actually put it on this site and is questioning it–he must know he did something wrong. Not only to the sanctity of what was to their relationship, but to himself. You just dont go around flinging your dick at people like that.

  30. 90
    Kenley

    Brian,
    In my mind, the only person who gets to decide exactly how long you sleep with someone else after a breakup is YOU…not your mom, your dad, your brother, your best friend, people on this blog, and definitely not the girl who dumped you. Some people need lots of time, others don’t. There is no right or wrong here. People often want black and white when the world, people, and relationships are many shades of grey. Do what feels right to you. Period. I think the greatest people in this world live life on their own terms in love and all things. The external pressure of you should or you ought to can be crippling. Don’t be a victim of it.

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