My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?

My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me.  I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?

I dated my ex for 16 months. We broke up with no hints of getting back together. 2 weeks later I had a one night stand with someone I don’t know. 1 week later, my ex calls and indicates we should try to get back together. In subsequent discussions, she asks me if I had slept with anyone. Being an honest man, I reluctantly told her yes. She is furious and hurt and is accusing me of cheating and lying to her. I want to be with her, never wanted to be without her (she pushed the breakup), and am disappointed that I hurt her, BUT, do not feel like I cheated or lied. Where do I go from here? Lay low and see if time helps or go all in again and try to win her over again?

Thanks.

Brian

Dear Brian,

You did nothing wrong.

You were broken up.

You had no hints of getting back together.

You did what pretty much any guy would do after a sixteen month relationship.

That doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods yet, but it does mean you’re technically “right”. The problem is that having truth and logic on your side matters very little when discussing emotional issues. This, by the way, is the main reason that I blog. I try to inject a little male logic into the largely feminine realm of relationship discussions. (This does NOT mean women are illogical – I’m just making a generalization here). I don’t actively hope to change the world, but I do hope to observe the world AS IT IS, as opposed to how it SHOULD be.

She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman.

Your girlfriend is caught up in how it SHOULD be. After a long, serious relationship – one in which she still had feelings for you – she was clearly hoping for some dating moratorium. She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman. And then, when she came back to reconcile with her beloved, she was shocked to discover that you had drowned your sorrows in the cleavage of another woman during – GASP! – a meaningless one-night stand. The gall! The disrespect! Did your relationship just mean NOTHING?

It feels pretty ridiculous to type those last few lines because they make no logical sense. You were broken up. You did when men do when they’re single – look for other women. When my serious girlfriend dumped me in 2004, I left her house, red-eyed, drove ten minutes home, and reactivated my JDate account instantly. Would I want to be the first woman to date me after my heart had been shattered? Hell, no. But I certainly wasn’t going to repair my wounds by sitting at home by myself for a month….

This isn’t to say that I don’t have sympathy for your ex-girlfriend. It’s just that it’s HER job to get over this bump in the road. There’s nothing you could do at this point that’s going to fix things. Especially since she asked for your honesty and you gave it to her.

This brings up a rant that I’ve always wanted to have in public forum. It stems from a conversation with a girlfriend from 4-5 years back – a girlfriend that I loved, a girlfriend who was deeply distrustful of men. It was based on her personal experience – she’d been cheated upon, and even dated a polyamorist at a time. As a result, I remember her telling me, point-blank, early in the relationship (and repeatedly thereafter):

“If you ever cheat on me, you’d better tell me. I do not tolerate cheaters and I will break up with you.”

And, me, ever the wise-ass, replied, with a twinkle in my eye, “Well, if you’d break up with me, why would I tell you that I cheated?”

And she’d reply: “Because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the manly thing to do. You’d want to have integrity, right?”

And I’d reply: “Yeah, but what if I made a god-awful mistake – say, drunkenly kissing a stranger at a party in Vegas? What if I made a mistake that I instantly regretted and would never repeat? What if I knew I would never intentionally jeopardize my relationship for any other woman again? What possible incentive would I have to confess, presuming that you’re instantly going to dump me for ‘honorably’ telling you? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

I’m not defending cheating. I am saying that I was living in the real world, and she was living in the fantasy world. In the real world, when someone cheats and realizes the consequences are dire, he’s got no incentive to confess. I can spit gum on the street in Singapore and turn myself in so I can get caned, or I can deny, deny, deny. I can “borrow” lines from a book when writing a term paper, and then tell the professor that I plagiarized, but that wouldn’t be too wise.

You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

So while I’m not encouraging cheaters, let’s understand what logical behavior follows after infidelity: lies to cover up. You want a guy to tell you the truth about cheating? You better be prepared to forgive him and painfully accept his apology. Otherwise, you’re asking for him to lie to you.

To wrap up, I want to offer a quote from Ramana Hamarshi, “Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.”

If you’re frustrated with the dialogue here and expect to change men or women, make no mistake about it, you’re trying to cover the world with leather.

 

5
0

Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (131 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 91
    Kevin

    I agree that the one-night stand may show your character and be detrimental to her view of you. You can pretend to be dating a new girl to make her jealous. I guess you just need to figure out your long-term plans as a couple.

  2. 92
    mrs stone

    you know i find it extremely funny how men get over things so quickly. after a 16 month relationship you wait 2 weeks to get “back on the saddle” i dont know if it was the need to get over the break you that compelled you or whether youre just a promiscuous guy but honestly you need to think about how you would feel if she had done the same! as far as one night stands are concerned i must admit i avoid them, i guess i’m just one of those people who live life cautiousely away from the edge of the cliff if you know what i mean! in the end the only person who can decide whether you were right or wrong is you! we cannot change the past, but we can most definitely learn from it! good luck in your future relationships!

    mrs stone´s last blog post…Having sex in the clubs toilet while drunk

  3. 93
    ohelinda

    I know this is an old thread, but… I just found it! ;-)

    EVAN you are ignoring one IMPORTANT thing!

    “Unless men feel that they will be forgiven for cheating, they have NO INCENTIVE to tell the truth. ”

    Incentive?? Ha! Am I wrong in assuming that the person who is in a long term relationship actually CARES for me and my health??

    This is what I have told my current and some of my previous boyfriends “I am in this relationship with you because I assume we both care about one and other. If you ever start thinking of pursuing another women, simply break-up with me first and you will be free to stick it where ever you like. If, however, it happens by “accident” when you are drunk or if you regret it afterwards and decide that you want to continue a relationship with me then DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (not even with a condom) SLEEP WITH ME after your fling without me knowing that you were with someone else BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE THE CHOICE whether or not I risk getting an STD from you! Just because you made a mistake, does not mean that you can take it upon yourself to risk MY life and health. Do not try to spare my feelings, at that point it is not what is relevant to me, spare my health. If you really care about me, don’t cheat on me of course, but more importantly if you do cheat for what ever reason, please at least let it be my choice to risk getting an incurrable desease.”

    No I don’t think I am being overly dramatic by saying “risk my life” not just health because if I happen to get AIDS or HERPES because of your cheating -you have risked my LIFE! I would consider getting either of the two devastating and know it would change my life for the worse.

    I am not even arguing that the female that would have a one night stand with Brian or my hypothetical or past boyfriend did not do it for the first time and therefore is at a high risk of having an STD. I know for a fact that you can get an STD from a VIRGIN and also that you can get an STD even if you wear a condom. Yes that is wright. If you do not know this, i suggest you go do some reading on STDs.

    Yes maybe I am naive in assuming that my partner would care enough about me to at least break up with me if he did sleep with someone else and did not want to tell me.

  4. 94
    Nicole

    The same thing happened to me. My boyfriend broke up with me, and 2 months later I hooked up with another guy. Now he wants me back and says he can’t trust me b/c of that. LAME

  5. 95
    Olivia

    Can you tell me please if you would see this the same way if the roles were reversed? I am recently in turmoil because of a similar problem and I don’t know what to do.
    While in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend he asked me to promise that after we broke up I wouldn’t sleep with anyone he knew, especially one guy in particular who was my first boyfriend (but we were young and never slept together). I lost my virginity to my ex and we were very close for two years. I said I would never sleep with this other guy because I was so happy with my ex, why would I? The thought was ridiculous. My ex and I broke up for various other reasons but we remained friends as much as possible and it was a stressful long drawn-out seperation. I couldn’t be without him and kept desperately trying to get back with him but he wouldn’t. Not for months. I even said I’d leave the country to work somewhere if he wouldn’t have me back, and he still said no. He’d give me a bit of hope for a while and then just dash it. I couldn’t cope.
    I was so lonely and depressed and during this time, the ‘other (forbidden) guy’ comes back, and we start chatting, realise we have lots in common with how we were feeling, and shortly after he’s telling me he’s in love with me. We slept together and I regretted it so much. I had to tell my ex, which I shouldn’t have done, but I didn’t want him to hear from someone else and I couldn’t lie to him. He’s told me never to call him again, that he’ll never forgive me, that I shouldn’t dare try to ever contact him, and that I’m a liar and he’s glad he’s not with me.
    I’m broken hearted. I don’t know how to go on. He’s changed all of his details so I can’t contact him.
    I love him so much, and that was just a stupid stupid mistake at a weak moment. I hate myself for it. I can’t eat or sleep. If I can’t have him back, which I know now I can’t, then I just want to be friends but he said he’ll never speak to me again after what I’ve done. I never, ever did this for revenge.

  6. 96
    Sebastian

    I am exactly in Brian’s situation. I miss the ex so horribly, and what some have said is right, it indeed is a gray area. Basically for me it was 2 weeks later I started dating someone else, then it moved on from there. Now I am filled with regret because the ex is so angry and disgusted with me that I pretty much have destroyed my chance to get back with her (if I had any chance at all).

    Basically I now have to hope that she will forgive me and hopefully give me another chance. She asked me straight out what I had done with the new girlfriend and I answered honestly because if I was going to have any shot with her again, I was going to have to be honest on what was going on. I was with her for 2 years, so I have a lot of respect and love for her.

    Like the person above posted, I am depressed as well, it’s devastating when someone breaks up with you and gives you the impression that it’s over (like really over how I thought it was, now thinking it was foolish to think like that)

    and then when you want them back, they are angry that you messed around with someone else while broken up. But to be fair, if she had done that, I probably would be equally as angry. What can I say? I guess we are all hypocrites in the end and it really sucks ass because this isn’t easy shit to get over.

    Honesty is the best policy, if the girl refuses to get back with you, then there’s nothing you can do, but it still REALLY sucks. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this much pain in my life (emotionally speaking). But basically my advice (and what I learned from all of this is) to anyone is, DO NOT RUSH THINGS. If you get dumped, fucking wait and take your time. If I had known this was going to happen to me, I would have waited months before getting involved with anyone else again because this hurts so much.

    What hurts a lot deep down is that she thinks because of all of this that she never meant anything to me. But that’s not true! It’s just after the breakup I did not know what to do, I figured it was really over for good that I should start moving on and getting back to the single life. I just did not expect to meet anyone new that fast! Now I am kicking myself because I miss her so much and I feel like nothing I say can get her to forgive me or consider being with me again as her lover and best friend.

    It’s like re-experiencing the breakup but it hurts even more than the original. =(

    Guys, if you are in a situation where you just got dumped and think it’s over, don’t do a damn thing but wait it out. Don’t go out and meet anyone else right away. Wait a while to make sure 100% it is OVER. I don’t know if I will meet anyone as special as her again, it was freak luck how we even met in the first place. I never imagined we’d be separated.

    She asked me and I answered honestly because I did not want to hide something like that from her because she means so much to me. I only wish I could “turn back time” as she said (in response to me asking her what can I do to fix all of this).

    If you get dumped, wait it out….. Don’t be in a rush like I was….. When I was dumped, I was so confused, I was okay at first, but after a few weeks of being with the new girlfriend, the feelings hit me so hard on how much I missed my ex gf. She really was the light in my life and now I am so empty inside as a result of being in a hurry. She always meant the world to me and I hope God somehow gives her the grace to forgive me and to hopefully love me again the way she once did….

  7. 97
    Sebastian

    What I should clarify from my post above is that the sex (rather the attempts with the new gf) did not occur till maybe a 4 weeks-ish? after the breakup, but it’s still basically the same situation…

  8. 98
    Sonja

    I am in the GF's situation and, after finding out about my dear dear BF's "interim" activities, went from gung-ho lovingly ready to try again (you can't throw away 3 years and lots of strong, honest love) to totally creeped out by the idea of having his children. It used to be all I wanted in the WORLD. My perspective is that a man who cannot remain steadfast though pain and trial will be a piss-poor father and leader of a family. Life is painful enough without a weak person at the helm. Bless my BF's heart but this is impossible to ignore–whether logically or instinctively, I frankly don't care.

  9. 99
    Karl R

    Sonja said: (#98)
    "My perspective is that a man who cannot remain steadfast though pain and trial will be a piss-poor father and leader of a family. Life is painful enough without a weak person at the helm."
     
    Let me see if I have this straight — When your relationship went through a painful trial, you broke up with your boyfriend with whom you'd had "3 years and lots of strong, honest love," even though things were still good enough that you were later "gung-ho lovingly ready to try again." From my perspective, that makes you weak and lacking in steadfastness as well.
     
    If you don't want to reconcile with your boyfriend, that's fine. If you're creeped out (as a purely emotional reaction), that's fine. If you try to justify your decision not to reconcile because your boyfriend is weak and lacks steadfastness, you're a hypocrite.
     
    And regardless of whether you reconcile with your boyfriend or end up with another man, that man is going to have to accept you as you are: weak, unsteadfast and hypocritical. You'd better hope that man is willing to accept flaws in his wife that you're unwilling to accept in your husband.

  10. 100
    Katie

    Sebastian-

    I am in the same sitch as your ex. Yes, I finished the relationship (5 years in all) because we were taking each other for granted etc, I just felt I had no fight left and wanted to make it quick and painless as possible for us both. The look on my BF face as I ended it will stay with me forever, it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and will (quite possibly) regret it for the rest of my life.
    What followed was worse. After 8 weeks apart I was a mess, missed him like crazy and felt like the regrets were swallowing me whole. I called him up and we went for a drink, and he confessed he felt exactly the same as me – lost, hurt and confused… and that he’d slept with someone else one week after we broke up.
    My god the pain of hearing that, I didn’t think it would ever leave me. I had been too sad about losing him to even consider kissing another guy, let alone sleeping with someone!
    Anyway after (us both) shedding a lot of tears, I decided to let it go and try again. We’re going from strength to strength, and I’m starting to laugh about it now!
    All I’m saying is don’t give up, she’s just hurt and has probably felt her ego take a huge beating. After the initial shock and pain has worn off, she’ll start to see it logically (like I did) I was the one who ended it, it’s not as if he did it behind my back and had the balls to tell me. I’ve got a good one and I won’t be letting him go again :)
    Hope things work out for you.

    Katie

  11. 101
    Sad

    I’m baffled by why most posters don’t even talk about STDs and pregnancies. What happened if the guy in the story got his ONS pregnant or caught an STD? A little bit harder to forgive now isn’t it?
    Personally I’m in a similar situation except more painful. My guy broke up with me, slept with his roommate a few days after and asked for another try, all within a week. Only he DID NOT tell me what he had done on his 1 week break. Is it really none of my business that he slept with someone else? I slept with him before and after the break, he exposed me to who knows what STDs. Isn’t my personal health a factor? Shouldn’t it be out in the open instead of hidden? Shouldn’t I have the right to have the facts and make a decision?
    He called and told me he slept with her for one reason and one reason only, she’s pregnant and five months along. Every action has a consequence. Was he cheating? Technically no. Do I feel replaceable? yes. So now I have to decide whether it’s worth it to be with a man who is living with his pregnant roommate, the one person I specifically asked him not to sleep with because I was worried that his roommate was female. Of course my request was moot because he broke up with me.
    My personal view on the article’s situation is this…  If your relationship is dead, no revival, no nothing, go wild. Sleep with whoever you want. It’s your choice. But if there is a chance you might get back together in a short time frame, DON’T DO IT. A month wouldn’t have bothered me. A couple days, hell yeah that bothers me! And if you have any integrity, respect, or care for your Girlfriend/guyfriend, say something!!! They deserve to know what you did and make the choice if they want to get back together.

  12. 102
    CG

    I am in a similar boat…My GF and I have been together for 4 years…we lived together and decided to date till the end of your lease  together and then get separate places.  We got in a huge fight Friday afternoon, in which she talked about me seeing others…but I being too dense did not get she was saying she was going to see someone else.  It turns out she was talking with someone that week.  She slept with someone that weekend and when I came back to apologize and talk with her…well…everything had already happened.  I wanted to reconcile but a week later she told me she slept with someone else that weekend.  It’s been 3 months and I have tried to step around it but it really has sent a wrecking ball through my head.  She is wanting things to workout and appears truly sorry.  But as others have said…it makes you feel quite replaceable..and technically you can be replaced physically quickly…but the years together are not so easily replaceable as we both found out.  It sucks…patience in this situation is your best bet.  I would think at least a day anyways!

  13. 103
    Lucy

    It was a ONS.  There was no intimacy, no tenderness.  No promises the broken-up couple were trying to uphold. (“No hints of getting back together.”)  Of course it’s going to be difficult for the ex-gf to stomach Brian sleeping with someone else because what was once her sacred space was occupied by a new woman.
    But I don’t think he should feel guilty about it.  My ex, who said he’d do ANYTHING to get back together with me, recently had an intimate (although no-sex) vacation with another woman.  Making out, snuggling, talking deeply (about their recent heartaches).  And now he has no chance with me, the “love of his life.”
    Why?  Because he SAID one thing then DID something that seems very, very contradictory to me – even if I’m the one he loves.  Also because being physically close with women is something [my ex] has almost exclusively done with girlfriends.  As in, it’s a big deal.  Goodbye, Trust.
    Brian did not act like a jerk.  So he shouldn’t feel bad.  It’s just crummy circumstances in his case that are difficult to reverse.  Sorry, Brian!!!  If you really want to win her back, I recommend not doing anything (whilst broken up) that you wouldn’t do while together.  Sucks, but when love is concerned, it’s more important to weigh things with emotional logic rather than the “rational” type.

  14. 104
    Nolo King

    This was looking good until you started to encourage cover ups, not sure why you even went there, lawls!

  15. 105
    DEx2

    Technically, it wasn’t cheating.  But, break-ups are not always easy, on either party.  And although technically, shacking up when broken up isn’t ‘wrong’.  But, it might also explain why she probably broke up with him to begin with.  Two weeks isn’t a long time… shows lack of care for her, and the relationship.  Bruised ego = instant gratification, probably why he did it.  But, shows her something different.

    How would he have felt if the situation was reversed, and she was with some dude two weeks after him? would he be as forgiving? I doubt it.  I’m sure he’d feel the sting.

    That would make me feel as if I meant nothing to him.  She probably felt that towards the end of the relationship, possibly why she dumped him to begin with.

    I broke up with my ex, we were together for 7 years.  One month later, he’s already with someone else.  Am I suprised? no.  It’s why I dumped him.  Wasn’t treating me how I deserved to be treated.  He tried calling me a few times, but I wouldn’t answer.  I still won’t answer.  And it’s because I know what’s going on (he doesn’t know I know..). 

    If they don’t show much care during the relationship, chances are… they won’t show much after.  And shacking up to soon… will only confirm she made the right decision.  Think before you act.  If you truly believe it’s over, and want to be w/ someone else.. fine.  But if in your heart, you know you’re not over someone yet.. why not take some time to heal instead of rebounding to someone who means nothing, rather than hurting someone who means something to you?

    And to the guy who re-activated his dating site account only a day after she broke up with you… no wonder she dumped you.  Doesn’t sound like you were all that invested in her, or the relationship anyway.  She obviously meant nothing to you… and you must’ve felt so desperate and hurt that you couldn’t wait to get the attention of someone else…

    Men, you need to seriously step up, be men, and grow up.  If you love her… let her know it by your ‘actions’, even if you think there’s no hope, to give it at least a month to show her she made a mistake… be patient, be forgiving.. if they are worth it to you, what’s a month? really? you people can’t hold out for a month?  And, sleeping w/ someone else so soon after a break-up, is not one of those actions… if you want to show some action… how about showing some self-control.. and that she does mean something to you.. there are plenty of easy women available, at any time, so why rush to shag some stranger.. and lose someone you love? Just sayin’ :)

  16. 106
    Rapz

    Brian did nothing wrong as he was single.. However he should of had more respect for her and himself. As she left him though he had every right to do what he did.. she felt hurt because she still cared for him.
    This reminds me of situation i had two years ago.. and YES im a guy who had this exact situation but the other way around.
    Okay so my ex gf suddenly broke up with me; we kept arguing etc and falling out. The thing is during this breakup she seemed to argue regardless of how calm i was and she seemed to just exaggerate that i didnt care.. not true. Anyway she took her relationship status off without even telling me, i found out. Eventually she cooled down and came back to apologizing. Problem is she never gave a real reason for the breakup although i acted grown up and alpha most of the time.
    The problem was i didnt really want to be the new ex gf pal friend type but she then made moves towards me showing she still liked me so i thought i would forgive her. We were making good steps, less arguements than usual and then one night she sleeps over and we have sex. AFTER sex she tells me she slept with someone else (by this time we’d been broken up 2 weeks) and this kinda hurt alot.. she was still technically single as was i but the thought we were getting back and i was confident of this by how she was made me feel everything was good again. But to not only leave me for someone else but then tell me after sex kinda peed me off.. She was crying about it too.
    See the problem here was that she ‘emotionally cheated’ (she didnt cheat as she was single). Emotionally cheating is what i describe as someone whos emotional needs are else where.. in other words she’d been seeing this guy behind my back during our relationship then she broke up with me just to have sex with this guy a week later.. thats how i saw it.. yes it hurt because it was like the relationship meant nothing to her, it was like she was a waste of time to me and for this reason i never took her back. If this was some random guy i would of prob not felt as bad but this guy she had sex with was a local guy she used to know 3 yrs ago who she kinda had feeling for but never dated..
    Apparently she brought up how she disliked this guy several times during the relationship towards the end.. the problem here is that she hung aroun with several times during our relationship behind my back.. she then kissed him while drunk once.. i let her off thinking it was because she was mad at me.. i said if she did it again she would be gone.. funnily enough she did just that.. left me for him. I told her i could no longer trust her a person and its true.. why should i be with this type of person. I moved on..

  17. 107
    Rich

    I have to chime in here.  

    I feel soooooo guilty.

    My Girlfriend broke up with me.  I hurt.  I mean I really hurt bad.  For 2.5 weeks.  Could hardly work, difficulty foucusing, tears.  The whole bit.

    We lived and worked together for about 1.5 years.  I was in love.  We bought each other rings two weeks before the breakup.  As a symbol, a reflection of our commitment to each other.  It’s so sad , I think i might cry right now…

    Anyways, I finally made it out of my house one night and ended up meeting this girl and we went to a party.  She drove me home and came inside.  We fooled around but didn’t have sex. (i declined, she thought we should)  I was very very clear with her about how hurt I was and my feelings I still harboured for my X.  It was actually the topic of conversation for the majority of the evening.  I was also very clear that I just wanted to have fun and try to ease the pain for awhile and was enjoying her company. 

    Now, my X has started texting, saying she misses me ect…ect…

    and i feel that I have somehow betrayed her.   She is the type of girl who will simply NOT understand.  Her response will be how could you kiss another girl when you still have feelings for me???  

    She will find out as well.  it’s not a simple solution of not telling her.  I live on a very small Island and everyone knows each other and she has friends here.  And even if she doesn’t, If we get back together I will have to tell her.  It’s just the way I am. 

  18. 108
    Sebastian

    Well, after a year and a half, and a lot (A LOT) of soul searching, and etc etc.
    I’d like to follow up from my prior post. As you recall (if you read my post above), I was seriously hurt and going through a lot of hell at the time. That was easily one of the most difficult periods of my life. I’m a pretty young guy (25), so this shouldn’t be too surprising to some of you fellow readers out there.

    Anyways! After battling a LOT of depression, and being totally confused, and really getting to know myself better, I can finally look back on the events that had taken place, with a clear head, and mended heart, and put it into MUCH better context. By the way, my posts above were from June of 2010. It is December 2011 as I write this.
    The aftermath and conclusion (summer of 2010 to fall of 2011:
    ———————————————————————–
    So, I was devastated, the ex had started seeing someone else, and was constantly guilt tripping me for trying to get over her (when she had dumped me 3 times). So just to clarify, I only tried moving on initially because she had kept dumping me in such a short frame of time. So I was not in the wrong, even if the timing on my part was not the greatest.

    I later realized that if she had really wanted to be with me, she would have done everything possible to forgive me and work it out. She constantly made excuses, placed the entire blame on my shoulders, and not only decimated my heart at the time, but pretty much twisted my emotions up to such a degree, that I had ended up going down a path whereby I battled the most intense form of depression I would ever face.
    In other words, after reflecting on the entire relationship, I realized that she never really loved me to begin with. There were MANY signs that I chose to ignore (out of love of course), and because she didn’t want to take emotional responsibility for this, she manipulated me big time!

    So, I started engaging in irresponsible behavior because at that point, I had just emotionally gone over the edge. I started sleeping with a woman I barely knew because I was so desperate to revive my self esteem and move on. This didn’t last very long, and it kind of made me feel worse (dirty) inside.

    My final year of college started right after that, and I started experimenting with drugs (weed). It wasn’t the end of the world, but it definitely had a significant effect on me overall, as a person. A few months later, I slept with another girl a couple of times, and that didn’t go anywhere. Didn’t end well either and I also got super paranoid, thinking I may have gotten her pregnant, or caught a disease even. Thankfully nothing of that nature occurred, and I moved on. So… A few months goes by, I was taking a break from women since I was on the verge of emotional meltdown, etc.

    Surprise: The drug use, although very moderate and sort of harmless, started to take a negative turn. I started developing intense anxiety, and what is classified as depersonalization in the world of psychology. This feeling of being “not attached”, or however you want to describe this, was probably the creepiest time in my entire existence. Everything felt like it was coming to an end, and I felt dead inside, and just overall, depressed, like I was done.

    So, in early April (2011 by this point), I was high, and my mother had come into my room to speak with me about something (nothing serious, just a random topic or errand, etc.), and I felt like I almost didn’t know her anymore. That was of course, the paranoia/depersonalization from the drug use. I became very heart broken inside that this change in me had occurred, and I started to feel like I deserved to die. You can probably imagine, I was very sad and felt a lot of despair by that point. So I said “forget this garbage”, and quit smoking marijuana the same night.

    By mid may, I had secured employment for a job, and had just graduated from my program. Things were looking up!
    Without going into excessive detail, I experienced what is best described as, a physical withdrawal (from quitting the weed). I experienced the most powerful moodswings and adrenaline rushes I had ever felt. My strength was quadrupled, and my depression was at an all time high. I was so angry at everything. My parents were pretty concerned.

    Then this is where I started to get scared. My depersonalization was still somewhat in the picture, and I was not 100% back to myself. Bad news though, I started experience cryingspells and very low moods. I always felt like I wanted to cry. This was uncontrollable, and I didn’t have any idea what was going on. I thought maybe I had caused some sort of a chemical imbalance from the previous drug use. Even if it was only moderate.

    The end of the summer was approaching, and I was starting to feel lonely. I started online dating again, went on some dates, and was disappointed (as usual). Then a very interesting girl decided to contact me. I thought “what the heck” and went for it. Initially, the first date went very very bad, on both ends and we were both totally put off. We followed up, surprisingly enough, right after, and hit it off and ended up in a relationship!

    Though I was still very damaged from the previous year’s breakup, it was not easy opening up. I was still very depressed, and explained to my new gf that I had gone through a lot, and she explained that she had as well. I tried smoking marijuana once more (3 sessions over a 2 week period), to see if that would alleviate the pain.
    The first time, felt nice and familiar, and it really helped me open up to the new girlfriend. It helped me say all the mushy things I bottled up inside about how I was afraid to scare her, and all the other fears a lot of guys are afraid to open up about. She was very flattered, and to my relief, she told me she felt the same about me. I felt very happy. Though I still felt uneasy from the weed, but I had a feeling that’d happen anyways.
    2nd time, same thing, opened up more. That bond grew even more!
    On the third time, I had the most intense/scariest panic attack of my entire life. I smoked right before bed this time, and figured it would make for a fantastic sleep. I was wrong and thought I was going to die. The next day, I saw my new gf, and completely broke down because of it. She comforted me and I felt very close to her. She showed she would be there for me. I stopped smoking weed.

    I dealt with some more depression after that, the life changing kind, but got through it eventually. My girlfriend stuck it out with me and me and her have never been happier! She is a MUCH better girlfriend than my ex could have ever been. and I want to tell all of you who are hurting right now, do not worry, a BETTER lover will come along. Give yourselves time, this is not an easy thing to experience or get through. A very painful breakup can be seriously disorienting. Oh, and the paranoia and depersonalization symptoms, are pretty much gone. I feel back to my old self, just much more wiser, and happier, and more stable.

    Thank God I finished college and found an amazing girl who truly cares about me. All of you out there will find the one. Oh, and praying to God here and there never hurts either. I am very doubtful on that stuff these days, but I have no doubt that it helped me throughout my journey.

    Anyways, I hope this post gives people out there some hope!

  19. 109
    Canaan

    I may have glossed over something here, as the posting continued for quite a while, but I have recently been through a similar situation. I even had a conversation with my ex of the exact nature described by the OP. What struck me hardest was the feelings of those who had had someone they broke up with being described as ones of “being replaceable.” I agree with the perhaps juvenile nature of having a ONS after this kind of long-term relationship ends, but the fact is that the second someone proclaims a relationship to be OVER after an emotional investment of this caliber has been made,mthat is exactly how the dumped likely feels: Replaceable. This is not necessarily a justification for going out and trivializing the physical bond the couple shared. In my own, and seemingly most cases, in fact, it seems though it leaves that person who went out to try and exact a sort of vengeance on the person that dumped them feeling remorsefully hollow. But the fact remains that in that moment when we are feeling our lowest we may not behave according to even our own highest standards. If the person who could call it quits after 16 months felt betrayed, they must be able to see that it is only their own fault for having betrayed someone they claimed to love in the first place. If its not that way, then perhaps failure was predetermined. But the person who breaks up with someone just as a test of the other’s loyalty or to play a game to see if the person will be hurt enough is playing with fire. One could say the same thing if one were to cheat first to see if the other person would love them after. This game is just as wrong and whatever either of these errant souls gets, they deserve.

  20. 110
    magbry

    When I found his email, I was having a hard time with my marriage. Now things are going real well with me and my husband. We are spending time with each other, I’m communicating more with him, we’re getting along good, and our marriage is going great. Thanks once again for all you have done to help me save my marriage.

  21. 111
    Sparkling Emerald

    Haven’t read all the opinions yet, but IMHO, it is PERFECTLY RIDICULOUS to break up with someone and then demand “fidelity” after YOU dumped them.
    If my S2BX ever gets the nerve to ask me about my love life/sex life after HE asked me for a divorce I’ll tell him it’s none of his d***ed business.  And if any future BF dumps me, then asks me such things, he’ll get the same answer.  I would be kinder to someone if I was the one to dump them (unless I dumped them for cheating), but once you break up someone you have ZERO say over what they do.
    Personally, I think someone who does this, didn’t really want to break up, but was using the “break up” as a strategy of some sort to manipulate a change in the other person.  Passive aggressive behavior IMO, and like the disappearing man, someone you don’t want back in your life any way. 

  22. 112
    Nicole

    @Sparking Emerald, I agree.  The ex in the letter and many of the exes described in the thread do sound very manipulative indeed.
    You don’t get to decide how (or for how long) someone else should mourn a break-up.  I know people who moved on to something that turned into a new relationship almost immediately, and others who perhaps tried a bit of hooking up, and others who were all weepy and sad and alone for a long time.  Some people will cry into a gallon of ice cream.  Some people will get drunk.  Some will curl up in bed and cry unti their eyes swell shut.  And some people will try to forget you with a quicky.  
    But I cannot stand hearing about all of these people who slammed the door shut on their own relationpships and then had the nerve to indignant when the dumped person BELIEVED THEM.  Totally manipulative and I hope none of these people “won” back any of these selfish hypocrites.
    And so much ugh with the woman who wanted to create the whole backstory with Brian’s ONS partner, making him into a beast who harmed not one but two women.  Projecting much?
    There is not a single person on this thread who should have been begging to be allowed back into the life of a manipulator, whether it was a man or a woman.  
    I’m not of poor character if you dump me and tell me we are through forever and I believe you.  You are, b/c you are a manipulative liar.  I do agree that these people were playing what they believed to be a power move and it backfired.  

  23. 113
    Sparkling Emerald

    @ The other guy 86 – If you can’t show a relationship respect on leaving it, what do expect to show the next relationship that comes along?
     
    He didn’t leave the relationship. SHE did.
     

  24. 114
    Henriette

    I 100% co-sign @SE 111’s comment. 
     
    I was with a great guy for years but there were problems and so I ended it.  While we were apart, I didn’t so much as kiss another man while he slept with 2 women.  We reunited, and he was scared to tell me that he’d been with other women during our time apart bc he worried I would freak out.   When he finally, very fearfully, admitted this to me, I cried ~ because it made me sad to think of him with others ~ but I knew AND TOLD HIM that he’d done absolutely nothing wrong.  I recognized that there was a difference between an action that wounded my ego (he’d rebounded so quickly!) & gave me some blues (I’d been pining while he’d been playing!) Vs. betraying me in any way.   
     
    The moment I break up with someone, I no longer have the right to expect boyfriend behaviour from him.  And if a man ended a relationship with me but gave me a hard time about what I did while we were split, I’d think he had quite some nerve!

  25. 115
    Paula

    You mean to tell me men don’t grieve after a relationship and take time alone? No wonder there are so many divorces. everyone needs some alone time to process

  26. 116
    hunter

    …men under 50 don’t grieve after a relationship, they can think there way out of one…

  27. 117
    Angel

    With all due respect mr Evan, I completely desagree with your article. It is because of this kind of mentality that the world is the way it is right now, so many divorces so many insensitive people. Its sad that so many people just try to say wrong things are right and right things are wrong, we live in an upside down world. It is definetely not repectful, or manly to do this, specially if there were feelings involved. You owe respect to the feelings shared for a while, you’ll have your whole life to sleep around. I dont understand man who say they were inlove and 2 weeks later they were sleeping around, hello….that was not love at all…. that was only infatuation my dear…. When you truly love you will not run after sex inmmediately it will hurt to be sexually with someone else, at least its the case for me, if im really in love with a person, I can only imagine being with them and it hurts to have sex with someone else. This is because while having sex is fun I will be longing to make love which is even more fun and I will hate to be just getting plain sex! Which we were living in the times where you could still find real love, we say this word too easily nowadays, while it has a much deeper meaning.

    1. 117.1
      ME

      If u had a relation and u were 100% involved..with heart and soul…after a break up u cannot just sleep around.Even if the relation stops…if the feelings were true…it wouldn’t stop right away because we are not robots.Its like u say..the relation stops..my feelings stop..so we search for other people to sleep with.This is an excuse for weak men or women..not capable to deal with suffering.
      U don’t move on so quick if u had true feelings…true feelings born slow and die slow…is bullshit!

  28. 118
    anonymous

    This was a tough read, I can’t tell how old these replies are but they have been very helpful. I’m in the same situation as brian although I am the gf. I had a 3 1/2 year relationship with the person I love who is now my ex. Things came to an end because I started back at university to finish my degree and I was not giving the relationship enough time. In fact, I was often avoiding him because I was so busy and he was upset so I did not want to have just arguments. Well, he tried for a while to stick around and constantly made time for dates, outings, etc. I always canceled last minute. Eventually he broke up with me via text message. We were still talking and he did this before I entered finals that semester so it was extremely tough.

    The week of finals I received support from him towards my exams and lots of love. Then things were quiet for a few days and I thought it was over. So I spent that weekend miserable and sad before getting content with him again that monday. We talked about what went wrong and how we were sad, etc. I asked him if he had been seeing anyone. He said he is possibly in a new relationship! I was completely in shock and still am. The details came out more clearly over a few more days. This was a friend he had known for a few months and they had been partying after our breakup and he found out that she was attracted to him. They ended up having quite a bit of alcohol and going back to his place and having sex. It was only 2 days later that he and I were talking again and I found out. He said he and the girl had not spoken since, but may again.

    I am going through extreme, painful, and often scary emotions trying to process this situation. I was not the person who ended the relationship, although my behavior pushed him away and I am very aware of that. I am very angry and hurt. I feel like our relationship must not have meant very much, and also that this girl sounds like she has been around for longer. We have had many conversations about it. Tears, confessions, etc. He said he tried calling me those two days before they had sex, and even when she was at his place, desperately trying to get into contact with me and with no answer the felt crushed. I see it, I understand the pain. I can forgive him for what happened but it doesn’t make me hurt any less. We have been trying to put the pieces back together but I am starting to see that there is little hope now. Yes, people on here are correct he had every right to do what he wanted as he had ended things with me. I guess I just do not understand that argument since I do not see love as linear or having a start and end. It is always there, and when you feel this strongly for someone and they are able to move on quickly, you feel worthless even though you truly aren’t. I wish I could get these thoughts about of my head, of them together…but I can’t. It’s a constant thought even when I’m work or trying to sleep at night. I just hope I am not going to forever carry this weight into a new relationship or become more insecure. It is up to me to slowly move on and heal.

    If someone is reading this and going through the same pain, know that you are not alone. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be loved by someone just as wonderful. If your bf or ex boyfriend has slept with someone new, it does not define your worth.

    If it helps, it has been made clear to me from my ex that the sex was not ‘what he expected’ and felt very awkward and empty. He said he just thought of me, and now feels like he betrayed me and cannot stop feeling depressed. So no matter what your ex partner says, they are not a robot, they are most likely hurting just as much as you are.

  29. 119
    Ann

    Hey Evan, I get what you mean in your post that Brian did nothing wrong in that period of 2 weeks but I’m on board with selena’s comments. She is hurt that he could easily ‘move’ on and throw away 16 months so quick.

    What happens if in that 2 weeks of breaking up the gf was still constantly calling and texting the ex-bf unlike in Brians situation. And he still ended up kissing someone in those 2 weeks. Isn’t it a sign to the ex-bf that she obviously is hinting of a reconciliation? So then what they did would be wrong because it wasn’t really the finalisation of the breakup.

    I personally think that if Brian really wanted to be with her then he shouldn’t have done what he did unless he was at the stage where he didn’t care about her anymore.

  30. 120
    Stephanie

    I understand what you mean. I was in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for four years, this is not counting the other on and off years we’ve had which if it was included it would be 7 years together. Well, he broke up with me last December and just yesterday he told me he missed me and came to his senses. All that time during the break-up I cried, I still loved him but I guess he didn’t. We were talking, trying to give it another try and so he was honest with me. I never asked him what he did during the break-up but he in his own way I guess felt obligated to tell me something he did. He told me that he had a brief relationship with another girl and had sex. I obviously felt hurt, he was my first and I his and to hear that he had sex with another chick. It broke my heart, he felt so guilty about it all and regretted it. At the end, although it hurt I just tried moving on. He expected me to be angry at him and to yell and hit him but I wasn’t. I couldn’t make a decision because at the end I was stuck between logic and my emotions. I understand he didn’t cheat because we weren’t together. He was honest with me before getting back. I guess I felt bad hearing this because it took him less than a month to have sex again.

    At the end, don’t feel bad. You were being honest and that’s more comforting than not saying anything. If you had a one night stand then that’s in the past now, she has to understand that you weren’t together. You chose to deal with it in that way while she did in another way. She feels emotionally betrayed but it is up to her to decide whether her emotions will make the decisions for her or logic.
    Goodluck :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>