I Still Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband

I STill Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband

Two years ago, I discovered that my husband had a mistress, and they were working together in the same company. When I asked him to leave, he became physically violent with me in front of my son, and the police had to remove him from my house. It was a very painful time for my son and myself, and I cried for a year after.

I was also always checking to see if my ex-husband was still with his mistress. They were together on and off. He told me that he tried to break it off many times but she would somehow find a way to sleep with him again.

A few months ago, I gave him a chance to get back together, but I realized I cannot trust him and he needs help, which he refused to get. Knowing his mistress will always be after him, I finalized my divorce and got sole custody of my son.

Since our divorce, my ex-husband and I have been having sex, and it is really great. We were always very much in love with each other, and our sex life was great except for some activities that I think belong to only prostitutes.

Since our divorce, I don’t care that he had a mistress, since the feeling that he still wants me so much gives me comfort and I feel secure with him. Is it because he is the father of my child? I have tried to date another man, but I couldn’t see the same stability with him. I know I don’t have stability with my ex-husband right now either. I want to be free of him, but it is very difficult. I would like to have my small family back together, and I am afraid that other men might take advantage of me or not care for my son. Please tell me if I am doing the right thing by sleeping with my ex-husband and hoping for a better future with him or should I let him go forever and look for a better future with another man? Thank you.

All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!


Is anybody else sensing a strong recurring theme from these last few months of reader emails? 

You’ve got elements of the jerk who promises to commit, but never follows through.

You’ve got elements of the jerk who treated you poorly and couldn’t help the people who came onto him.

And, of course, you’ve got elements of the jerk who is so good in bed that he still commands your attention even though he’s a toxic bastard. In fact, I’m not so sure you’re not the exact same writer.

All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!

This advice column is a joy for me in so many ways, and yet I find each email like this so painful. The reason I’m running this one is because I’ve had just about enough of these letters. …

If you’re a regular reader, I don’t know how many ways I can say it.

Your situation is not unique.

You’re not doing the right thing.

You’re better off without him.

Change your life. Lose the guy. Stop waiting for the change that never comes.

You’re thinking with your heart, not with your head.

Your refusal to look at the objective facts is staggering.

I’m not angry at you. I’m angry FOR you. I’m angry because no matter how many times I write the same exact column, literally HALF of my emails are some version of this same question.

My boyfriend:

Cheated on me/Has a porn addiction/Left me two years ago

He recently came back and says he:

Changed completely/Never meant to hurt me/Still loves me

I’m now:

Talking with him regularly/Sleeping with him again/Getting those strong feelings back

Yet he still won’t:

Call me regularly/Sleep with me consistently/Make a commitment to me

What should I do, Evan? I’m so confused.

Trust me, you’re the only one who’s confused.

The rest of us sadly shake our heads at how you could possibly think of staying with this tool. This man who beat you and cheated on you, and has the audacity to come back into your life, completely unchanged. This man who tried to break it off with his mistress many times, except for the fact that she always found a way to sleep with him again. This man who believes you have so little respect for yourself that you’ll take him back in any circumstances.

Are you getting angry yet, Misha? Are any other readers getting angry at me yet?

If so, DO SOMETHING about it.

Don’t shoot the messenger who tells you that your dysfunctional relationship needs to be retired ASAP.

Change your life. Lose the guy. Stop waiting for the change that never comes.

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  1. 1

    Clean break rule should be implemented immediately. Do you want your son taking your ex-husband’s treatment of you (and your acceptance–nay, embrace! of that treatment) as his primer of what a relationship is supposed to be?

    If you can’t convince yourself that you are worth more, then break it off on behalf of the women who will someday date your son–women he will potentially cheat on and physically abuse unless you take unequivocal action to show him that this is unacceptable behavior that no self-respecting woman would ever put up with.

  2. 2
    Karl R

    “Please tell me if I am doing the right thing by sleeping with my ex-husband and hoping for a better future with him or should I let him go forever and look for a better future with another man?”

    This should be easy to answer.

    “he became physically violent with me in front of my son”

    At this point, the answer to your question should be clear. You should let him go forever.

    “I am afraid that other men might take advantage of me or not care for my son.”

    So you continue to have sex with the man who has proven that he will take advantage of you and act inhumanely in front of your son….

    “the feeling that he still wants me so much gives me comfort”

    Stop feeling comfortable. He wants no-commitment sex.

    “I was also always checking to see if my ex-husband was still with his mistress.”

    You’re still obsessed with him. See a therapist. That will make the difficult process of getting free of him much easier.

    1. 2.1


      As above so “here” below.
      Seek help, inner healing and a whole lot of self love.
      Best wishes for a speedy recovery, because that is what it is.
      A recovery.
      If you want stability, you’ve got to project it, become it.
      Once you’ve done that. Saying NO will be easy. Also know that NO may lead to another call to the police. Be prepared, know you do not know what the terms are.

  3. 3
    Single Mom Seeking

    Great response Evan.

    Thank you for putting this so straight.

    Think about your son: your ex has a pattern of cheating and violence, he will do this again. Your son is getting older. He will only mimic what his father is doing to you. Is this what you want?

  4. 4

    To be very blunt – you are very stupid and you deserve what you got.

    Any man who physically abuses you for any reason is not worth it. The problem here is that you want a nice guy who is a jerk. Well your ex is a jerk but not a nice guy.

    If you want the comfort of sex with someone you know without any commitment – then find someone who also wants that and be done with it.

    Move away to a different city if you cannot stay away from him.

  5. 5

    Who are you going to believe? Me or your own eyes?
    – Groucho Marx

    It seem like a large number of the problems that Evan deals with are situations where the course of action is obvious, but people aren’t ready to accept that answer so they ask an expert. Maybe they are hoping for some magical answer they missed seeing or a way to find the strength to do what is obvious

  6. 6

    I don’t mean to demean the original poster. Many of us have problems where the solution is obvious but we don’t have it together enough to accept it and DO it.

    Dump the guy, permanently.
    There are nice guys out there who can rock your world and treat you nicely. Find one. No, it will not be a quick or an easy task. Get counseling if you find that you are too weak to pull off this advice on your own.

  7. 7

    Your ex doesn’t want what you want. He didn’t choose you. I’d go so far as to say he doesn’t want you (i’m sorry i know that sounds harsh) but you are merely convenient. He’s not a good guy, even though he may have a good trait or two. If he wanted you to be a ‘family’ he wouldn’t have left and/or he would do what he needed to do so you guys can get back together. It’s not your fault, he likely has issues he is dealing with, you aren’t to blame. He doesn’t not want you cause you aren’t good/cute/nice/whatever enough. But sleeping with him isn’t going to change his mind, and it’s risky for you and just prolonging your grieving process if you think it is.

    And as an aside, just because you didn’t want to do what he wanted to do in bed doesn’t mean that he was wrong for it or it was activity only for ‘prostitutes’. It just means you weren’t well matched. And i’d go so far as to say that he hasn’t changed his mind about wanting those things done and is sleeping with someone else right now that will accomodate him, even though he is sleeping with you too. Don’t end up procreating again with this guy; it won’t turn out differently this time.

  8. 8


    First of all, let me say that I’m sorry for all the heartache you’ve endured and continue to endure. Though I’ve never been in your situation, I’ve been in similiar ones. I understand what you mean when you say it is comforting to know he still wants you. I’ve been there.

    The thing is… I bet you knew the answer to the your question way before you ever wrote to Evan. I completely agree with Evan’s response…and I bet you do too. Its just hard to accept….its easier to follow the pattern you’ve always followed.. it IS comfortable, after all. It’s harder to take a deep look at where you are and how you’ve gotten yourself here and to step up and make a real life-changing decision to make a break.

    Misha, YOU are WORTH it….you are WORTH having a good man who is completely committed to you and treats you and your family with the respect you deserve. Going thru a divorce and becoming the lone caregiver to a child is a trying experience and difficult…I’m sure. It sounds as if those few moments of comfort you may receive from your ex are bliss. I get it. But, is it worth ALL the heartache/regret you feel the other 23 hrs of the day ?

    I know it sounds so ‘cliche’ …because all the self-help books preach it…but it does seem to be true …that once you start treating yourself better and with love, others will follow. Once you find a way to love yourself, UNDOUBTABLY, you will find a man that loves you in the way you truly deserve.

    Counseling may help you take a in-depth look at what is really going on behind this ….It is, of course, up to you..its your life. Just know..you DESERVE to be happy.

    I wish you the best of luck.

  9. 9


    Please, Please let go! You are in a very abusive relationship. There is no love here at all! Wake up, and smell the coffee. You sound like a very beautiful woman who is chasing a dream. Please let go of this destructive relationship. This will, in the long run, affect how your son feels towards you. Stop being used. Let go of your ex-husband. I, was like you. I finally let go. I had to for my daughter’s sake. She is now happily married to a very wonderful man. I am also loving every minute of my life now!!

    You and your son deserve so much better. You will only achieve a better life if you let go of this very undeserving ex-husband. Please let him go. A much better life is waiting for you. You deserve so much more. Please, please get rid of bad rubbish (your ex-husband)!!

    Much luck to you in the future!!

    Karen (:

  10. 10

    He told me that he tried to break it off many times but she would somehow find a way to sleep with him again.
    Knowing his mistress will always be after him . . .

    Let’s just look at these two statements NO woman makes a man sleep with her. It takes two. She is a jerk for sleeping with a married man, but he is ultimately TOTALLY responsible for his actions and his choice to sleep with her. Never let him off the hook for this. Don’t place responsibility on someone else it’s his decision. Period. Nobody makes you do anything you don’t want to do.

  11. 11

    What *are* the acts reserved for prostitutes, I wonder?

    1. 11.1

      They are the reasons he cheated on her in the first place. His mistress probably does them all.

    2. 11.2
      Karmic Equation

      Whatever Misha won’t do, most likely.

      Here’s the thing, though. Men don’t stay in relationships for the sex, not like women will (e.g., with bad boys). If the woman gets on his nerves enough, even great sex won’t keep him in the relationship.

      That’s really something a lot of women don’t understand. Often, when a guy starts distancing himself, she tries to bribe him to re-engage with her with more sex or more adventurous sex. He’s not going to stay in a relationship with her because she’s now willing to have more adventurous sex, if she’s still getting on his nerves. So women who use sex to bribe a man into staying in a relationship when he’s got one foot out the door is just begging to be strung along.

      Don’t do it. If a guy starts distancing himself, you start distancing yourself. If he re-engages THEN offer him more adventurous sex. Reward him for RE-ENGAGING with you, NOT for distancing himself, ok?

      1. 11.2.1

        Wow, Karmic, you continually provide such great insight about us guys!


        Spot on.


        Amazing sex is great, but not when attached to irritating…

  12. 12

    @Shawna- Excellent point. Lots of women tend to forget that it’s not his mistress that made vows to them, it was THEIR HUSBAND, and they should try laying the blame where it belongs. Not to mention the mistress is clearly being told a different story by the husband and, I have to say, the act of divorcing the wife does send a crystal clear message and it’s not ‘mistress, please stay away from me…

    @JuJu- I’m wondering the same thing…

  13. 13

    @JuJu: I asked the same question! What are we talking about here, reverse cowgirl? Anal? I far as I know, sex with hookers is pretty straightforward. What she probably should have said was acts reserved for PORNSTARS.

    Obviously, she should leave the guy. A letter like this makes me think two things:
    1) She should never have gotten married to him.
    2) They shouldn’t have had a kid. Neither of them were ready for what they got into.

    With that being said, during the next go-around they both might want to consider OPEN relationships, since they both seem to be okay with their partners seeing other people.

  14. 14

    slightly facetious Single Mom Dilemna:
    Good-looking ex
    Less attractive new guy who would accept the package deal

    It’s kind of annoying to have to point out that many relationship problems involve “thinking with your eyes.”

  15. 15
    Andres Munoz


    The fact is he’s not a real man. You do deserve better in your life and more importantly you owe to your son.

    Leave him and move on with your life! You happiness isn’t dependent on your husband, you make your own happiness.


  16. 16

    When Evan first posted this entry I was thinking, “Not again!” I, for one, had enough of all these posts that were essentially the same. Lo and behold, a few days later, I find I may be in the same boat as these women.

    My boyfriend:
    Left me a few months ago

    He recently came back and says he:
    Still cares for and is attracted to me

    I’m now:
    Making out with with him again/Getting those strong feelings back

    Yet he still won’t:
    Make a commitment to me

    What should I do, Evan? I’m so confused.

    When put in these terms, it’s rather obvious. Except that during the time we were together, he always treated me very well. The relationship ended because I wouldn’t have premarital sex (a position which most guys here can understand). He’s honest that the sex issue is still barring him from wanting to have a committed relationship with me and that’s not likely to change. Plus we’re not having sex, just making out and cuddling. But the way he describes me, and the way he describes the woman he’s looking for, are the same. I guess I’m just hoping that by continuing to see him he’ll see how compatible we are and decide he wants to be with me.

    I guess I’m trying to figure out if I can handle the friend with benefits thing (though the benefits in this situation are not as…extensive as those more commonly discussed), because that’s all it appears he’s offering. Just don’t know if it’s healthy for me or not, and that’s where the problem lies, as I would still be interested in getting back together with him. Then again, many people seem to believe wholeheartedly in the friends with benefits phenomenon.

    Don’t really know where I’m going with this post but just wanted to add that there’s one more silly girl who thinks her situation is unique when probably no one else does.

    1. 16.1
      Are you kidding me?

      how in the world do you expect to keep a man without sex? there is only so much anal and bj’s a guy can take before he wants to move back to the real thing.

      you cant be a “friend with bennifits” because you are not giving it up and ate trying to control a man without giving the only thing he wants out of the relationship. 

    2. 16.2

      For many men, sex is a necessary prelude to commitment. I don’t blame them, as it is for me too. If you won’t have sex before marriage, find a man who will play by those rules. FWB is not for you… not with this man, anyway.

  17. 17
    Michael Ejercito

    A lot of women are desperate.

    This explains why they sleep with cheating ex-husbands.

  18. 18

    There’s a shortage of men who are physically attractive and available for commitment.

  19. 19

    @A-L: What kind of commitment do you need to have sex with the ex-bf? Marriage? If that’s what it will take, you both should probably break it off. He doesn’t want to marry you, and you don’t want to give it up, so there’s a basic conflict there. Both of you ought to date other people.

    The FWB can be a perfectly cool and healthy relationship, but you both have to play by the rules and should make an effort to date other people. Otherwise, you’re just settling for each other when the attraction/compatibility just isn’t there.

  20. 20

    Evan, I can’t agree with you more. And I’d like to add that Misha should really seek professional help. She’s making the same toxic choices over & over, but doesn’t see it that way.

    Misha, it’s great that you’ve taken the first step by questioning what’s going on. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through as nobody deserves to be treated that way. There’s probably a lot more to what’s driving you toward your ex that goes beyond loneliness, etc. Many communities have centers that provide counseling for women who’ve been in abusive relationships, and often times the assistance is subsidised so it can be affordable.

    Your ex won’t change, but you can.

    You have a lot to sort out – for the sake of your child and yourself you should speak with a professional therapist.

  21. 21
    mike yuen ken paahana

    sex with my ex wife is great now that i no need hide that i sleeping with other girls

  22. 22

    on post #18,

    …can’t have them both, its either one or the other……LOL!…

  23. 23

    Misha, please listen to what these people are saying. I would recommend reading “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. Your ex-husband doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved, not all men will mistreat you and you should hold out for one that will treat you and your son right.

    It is also okay to be single in the meantime. Treat yourself with love, ditch the ex, take good care of your son and try to model for him what a healthy, stable relationship is, as a single mom and as someone in a relationship. Best of luck.

  24. 24

    Just as an update on my previous post (#16). I’ve come to the realization that though I might be able to have a FWB relationship with some guys, I like my ex too much to remain detached if we had that kind of a relationship. I think we’re going to try and remain just friends, and if either of us change our positions in the future, then we’ll see how that goes.

  25. 25

    No you are not being selfish, selfish would be to punish him by way of your children. Sometimes it is possible to be friends sometimes it isn’t – he hurt you badly and why would you want to be friends with someone who disrespected you?

    Tell him you will be civil for the sake of the children, but there is too much water under the bridge to even want to be friends again.

  26. 26

    The more time you spend trying to hold on to a crappy relationship is more time you have wasted toward finding a good one.

  27. 27

    it is very hard to be in that kind of situation but if your ex-husband beat you and cheated on you a lot of times there is no respect at all..it is very hard to forget someone that you used to love and loved you but people change no matter how loving and caring you are there will come a time that you’ll just wake up and realized that its not worth it to save a crappy relationship.i’ve been there and i know how it feels to lose the one that you loved..but i need to be strong for my baby…life goes on…move on..forget about him…

  28. 28
    tracy gold

    You should not have divorced him then. Lets face it women if you are too naive to believe it, ALOT OF MEN CHEAT, yes its bad, yes you should not tolerate it. But to divorce a man because he cheated one time , was not a good idea.

    If the man has continuous patters of behavior yes divorce him. But the BIBLE says you can divorce for adultery. The BIBLE also says unlike many of the comments, literally that it is best to go back to your husband. I personally have the same situation, EXCEPT my husband beat me and remarried someone else , then had kids with the new girl. I have no kids with him but he wants to come back and he says he is very sorry. I said no to him returning. But he really said sorry and called my relatives. I am NOT finding any men who match up to him. He is super good looking, physically fit and very very well endowed. And it is annoying to meet substandard jerky men when I was married to better on paper.

    Who knows maybe you too can get married again, I would not rule that out like the other posters have BUT what the posters are saying is that your ex-husband can ride his cake and eat it too wave for the rest of your lives. You both may never re-marry one another. Then you may feel used if he leaves you for another woman. Also, you can ask for advice but you have to do what is best for you. remember if you move on, you may meet men 10X worse than your ex-husband or they may be better. Only you can know whether to take the chance.

    1. 28.1

      This man BEAT YOU, and you want him back? You aren’t finding any men who match up to him because he’s a class A asshole and all you see is the physical him… you won’t open your eyes to see the real him. You can’t find any good men because you’re too busy comparing them to the jerk you need to leave in the dust.

      I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but think with your head, not your crotch.

  29. 29
    Karl R

    tracy gold said: (#28)
    “my husband beat me and remarried someone else , then had kids with the new girl. […] I am NOT finding any men who match up to him. He is super good looking, physically fit and very very well endowed. And it is annoying to meet substandard jerky men when I was married to better on paper.”

    Let me get this straight … your husband beat you, he left you for another woman, and you think he’s better than the other men because he’s good looking, physically fit and very well endowed.

    If your husband left you, then at least 50% of men are better than him. If your husband beat you, then at least 75% of men are better than him. And if you think looks, fitness and a large penis are more important than loyalty and kindness, I have to wonder which “BIBLE” you have been reading.

  30. 30

    I broke up with my ex wife a couple years ago, we just fought too much but otherwise we had a good marriage. She was the one who pushed for the divoce.

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