My Boyfriend is a Verbally Abusive, Physically Abusive, Emotionally Abusive, Sexually Unfaithful Man. What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend is a Vebally Abusive, Physically Abusive, Emotionally Abusive, Sexually Unfaithful Man.  What Should I Do?

I met this guy (he’s 53, I’m 43) on an online dating site, and our first and second date went so well, we slept together on the second date. However, the first shoe dropped right when we were in bed before the sex act. He informed me that he had slept with a woman just last week. THEN, he called me a couple of days after and asked to see me the very next day because he had two women flying in for sex, one right after the other, and he wouldn’t be able to see me for two weeks! Furious, I told him that unless he told the women to cancel their trips, it was over. He refused, saying plane tickets had already been bought, so I ended it. A few days later I get a few e-mails laced with anger, repeated phone calls and lastly, an e-mail asking me to forgive him, professing how he’d been doing nothing but crying since we last spoke and saying he’d made a mistake and wanted me back. And you guessed it, I was stupid enough to give this man a second chance.

We were in a relationship for 3 months and it turned out to be a living hell!

When I’d come over, he wanted to have sex FIRST. Whatever else we planned to do came after he got his rocks off. He started pressuring me.

He refused to divorce his wife (they have been separated for 6 years) who he shares custody of his 4 kids with. He told me he just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. It never happened.

Corinne’s guy is verbally abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

He still continued to take vacations with his wife and spend the holiday with her.

He started to become cruel and insulting to me. He got in my face one day and circled me during an argument and taunted me.

All the women he had sex with (including me) was done while his two teenage daughters and their friends were in the house, even in the daylight hours.

I would catch him frowning at me sometimes. He started to want to communicate with me only be e-mail. The phone calls lessened.

The final straw came when he refused to allow me around his young sons (who had recently come back from a vacation in Hawaii). He stated the reason was because I was selfish and it was always about, “me, me, me”.

At that point, I told him I was either to be included around his sons, or I wouldn’t be with him at all.

The one thing he loved about me was the sex. All throughout the relationship, he talked about how amazing it was for him. I believe that was why the “relationship” lasted as long as it did. So, Evan, what can I learn from this situation? That I was dating a loser and a jerk? Well, that I know. Anything else? Thanks!

Corrine

I have been in a relationship with this guy for eight years, four of which we have been engaged for. Before he gave me a ring, he cheated on me all of the time and that cheating sometimes included serious relationships. However, in the end though, he always seemed to be using the other girl for something that would benefit him, i.e. new clothes, new toys, drugs, clubbing, whatever. He promised me after I got the ring that if he ever doubted our relationship, he would ask me to take it off, as a sign that he wouldn’t cheat on me with the ring on.

Since then, we have had two children and we are still not married; a big sore in my eyes. Well, I had my newest child only six months ago, and shortly after I had her, he asked me to take my ring off. Needless to say, I should have known something was up when he wouldn’t come home at night but I believed all of his lies. He had a new girlfriend, and when he asked me to take the ring off, I asked him to move out. So he did move out and in with a buddy; that’s when I found out that his new girlfriend (with no kids and money) moved in too. The whole time he was gone he would always text me how much he missed me.

I let him move back home with the faith that he would stop talking to his ex-girlfriend. But he hasn’t, and after a serious talk, he still refuses too. He says they are not together, even though she wishes they were. He claims that they are best friends, and even if he stops talking to her it wouldn’t make our relationship better.

Jamie’s guy is a liar, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.
Laura’s guy is verbally AND physically abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

He says he loves me very much, but the spark is gone. I tried to explain to him that love changes over the years and you have to work at it, but he says if loves feels the way he does about me, then he doesn’t want it. I told him that I want him to pick our children up from daycare and meet me at home as I get off work, we could cook dinner, eat as a family, then just spend time with our little family. We could do stuff with friends or go out on the weekends. His response was “No, I don’t want that I don’t want to be at home with you.” I have put up with this for months and I am just really fed up. I want to be with him and even more because of my children but this is all just not fair to me. He seems so selfish. I would do anything to make this relationship work but he refuses to even try by not stopping talking to his girlfriend. So I want to move out, and I really think that’s what he has been working on, so I will be blamed when our children are older, because I moved out. So flat out, I think I deserve better, and I want a guy that is considerate to others, doesn’t lie or cheat, and etc. I am really ready to leave it all behind, but what if I hold on just a little longer and things get better? They did before we got engaged.

Jamie

I have been with a man for two years now and it was a wonderful love story. He has never been physically abusive to me but has displayed passive-aggressive tendencies, which I put down to the fact that his father was an abusive alcoholic who tried to kill him, resulting in him leaving home at a young age. His mother works two jobs, cleans the house from top to bottom every day whilst putting up with the ugly abuse from the father who sits around drinking all day. This is what he knows to be family and the role model of a woman, mother and wife.

So imagine the problems that started to arise when I refused to do daily chores because I have an extremely high-pressured and stressful job (which incidentally causes problems as I earn twice as much as him) and after working silly hours, the last thing I want to do is to start playing mummy to my partner. Major problems began to arise when my boyfriend’s best friend and his girlfriend from his home country moved over here. My boyfriend started spending a lot more time at their house and going out with his best friend while the girlfriend was working nights. To top it all, I got pregnant and we agreed on a termination within a two month period of my mother’s death. I became extremely depressed, and I tried to kill myself.

My boyfriend didn’t ring to ask how I was while I was sitting at home being miserable and became less and less interested in being at home. Eventually I went into his email account which is something I would not normally have done and came across a dating site. He told me that his friend had told him to do it and that he had not actually replied to any of the people that had contacted him. So I forgave him… And then I found another one a couple of months later and was so incensed that I told him it was over.

He refused to give me his key, and what followed was a bit of a scuffle, resulting in him hitting me and me calling the police. Since then, we would talk on the phone and sometimes even watch movies together in an attempt to try and rescue the beautiful relationship we had had. However, that all changed when I went out by myself one weekend and he called me up to find out where I had been, what time I came home and how many men I had talked to, and he actually drove to my home to call me a “slut”.

He is a lovely boy but I see that he is going to turn out to be his father’s son, not to mention jealous and possessive. This still does not take away from the fact that I am his first love, and the chemistry is so great many people openly express their admiration. What to do? Give him time to develop and mature a bit more, because essentially I am happy when he is not being insecure? Or do I call it a day due to cultural differences, gather my self-respect and channel my energy into understanding myself and what it is that I am looking for?

Laura

I want to make a confession. I was watching VH1’s Tool Academy the other day.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SUCH A TOOL?!

In this “reality” show, 9 frustrated women who are dating thoughtless, lying, cheating, arrogant “tools”, desperately try to save their relationships with these hunks of meat. Basically, a therapist puts these couples through exercises designed to teach communication, trust, and self-awareness – and the winning couple – the one whose muscled, spray-tanned, spiky-haired himbo is not voted off the show – wins $100,000.

Needless to say, I was riveted.

In videotaped confessions, each of these men brag about how they’ve got their girlfriends “trained” to accept being doormats. They tick off their sexual conquests – unfaithful sexual conquests – all while the teary girlfriends watch them like wounded puppies.

And all I could think when watching this show – all ANYONE could think when watching this show was this:

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SUCH A TOOL?!

Corinne’s guy is verbally abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

Jamie’s guy is a liar, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

Laura’s guy is verbally AND physically abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

What is there to learn? What is there to say that hasn’t been said before?

There are millions of women out there in this position; I know, because thousands of them write to me. But how low does your self-esteem have to be to put up with an irredeemable, disrespectful cheater for years at a time?

So tell me, readers, what could possibly compel an otherwise sane woman to stay with such an awful specimen of a man, when that man has given no indication that he has the capacity to be either faithful or truthful?

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Corrine

    Well, guys, I’m Corrine. Anybody got anything to say to me? I knew it was too good to be true and it was. This man came into my life touting poetry and promising me to “be a role model and influence to my sons as much as I would allow him to be around them”. Well, you all know how it ended. To make this story even worse, I have a master’s degree and was just admitted to a Doctoral program. I should know better! I treated him like a freakin’ King and this is how I got treated.

  2. 32
    Corrine

    Oh, does anybody, including Evan, think this louse will be back for the sex? I would really like to tell this piece of dung off!

  3. 33
    Corrine

    One other thing, and I know I may seem bitter. This loser didn’t have a job, has erectile dysfunction, and is wrinkled and going bald. I’m beautiful, educated, nice and loving. As stated previously, I treated him like a KING! and this is the thanks I get. His wide does/did NOT want him. She cheated on him with a wealthy man because he didn’t earn enough, then he disrespected me and our “relationship” by going on vacation with her and their children. She is pushing for the divorce and he still will not do it. It’s been 4 months since it ended and I’m still a bit resentful about how I was treated.

  4. 35
    Sayanta

    Corinne-

    I really don’t want to sound rude or anything, but I’ve got to know- why on earth DID you date this man? You’ve stated your qualities above, and I just can’t figure out what someone like you would see in him.

    Was his poetry that good?

  5. 36
    Karl R

    Corrine, (#31, 32, 33)
    In your original letter you asked, “what can I learn from this situation?”

    I think you already know the answer. You saw a lot of red flags. Next time don’t wait to collect quite that many before you go. After the episode where you first ended it, you decided to give him a second chance. That’s your perogative. But you should have made it his second and last chance.

    You said, “I treated him like a KING!”

    Why? Was he treating you like a queen? Based on your story, it sounds like he was treating you like part of the harem by date #2.

    In dating, your efforts should be reciprocated. If I write a lady a 1 page e-mail and she responds with a 2 line e-mail, then she’s not reciprocating. My next e-mail will be 2 to 4 lines. And this extends to more than just e-mails. If you’re treating him like a king, he should be treating you like a queen. If he’s not, stop treating him like a king.

    If you really feel the need to tell this guy off, write a long letter telling him how horrible he is. Then BURN the letter. That way you can vent without resorting to acting out like a juvenile.

  6. 37
    mic

    Good body build? Nice voice? Chemistry? High sex drive + inhibitions lowered through alcohol?

  7. 38
    Corrine

    Sayanta, his poetry was good but, of course, it was all BS designed to lure his victims in. I continued dating him because he promised me a comitted relationship and said he was crazy about me. In trying to answer the question why some of us women fall for men who are obviously liars and losers, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and married an abuser. THough I know better, over my entire life, I have become used to people treating me badly. So, although my intellect knew I did not want that kind of treatment, in some weird way my psych was comfortable with it.

    With this guy, he promised me that he wanted me in his life and would make me happy, that he was more “loyal than a puppy dog”. Haha, yeah, those are his actual “poetic words”. The things he promised never materialized, and he became bolder and bolder in his mistreatment of me. Michael is right, I was manipulated by a liar. And Karl, you are right as well. I saw the red flags. Those should not have been ignored.

    This part may be a bit of a rant, but I have no idea how he thinks he was/is all that. He couldn’t sustain an erection for a prolonged period of time during our sexual encounters, so he was always done before I was. Not only that, but he is aging quickly, despite his idea that he is a jock. That means his erectile dysfunction will only get worse, not better. Lastly, he cannot and has not ever made much of a living. One day, I came across his resume where he stated he had a bachelor’s degree. Well, he had already informed me that he didn’t actually have the degree, he needed to complete a couple of classes.

    Lesson learned I guess, but it did sting. Mostly because I allowed this to happen to myself by not heeding the reg flags that unfolded right before my very eyes.

    The most hurtful thing was how he said he marriage was and had been over. However, near the end he refused to stop going on vacations with her and I was even deluded enough to continue seeing him when I saw that she still had a login on his personal computer in his bedroom!! Lesson learned, I guess.

    I guess these losers exist because so many women allow them to keep using them. Thankfully I won’t be one of them.

  8. 39
    mic

    People, many a woman feels treated well just because a man is very attracted; it can be emotionally intoxicating to be desired. Provided the man is not repulsive in some way.

    As for the story:
    Okay, but that leaves out some important information. You might have found the other questions embarrassing, but they were aimed at revealing not necessarily conscious factors that lead people to make bad relationship choices. If you had been turned off by photos of him on an online dating site or had not found something about him in person sexy (it’s unlikely to have been just words), you would not have gone through that. Since he seems to be a bad guy and you’ve griped about wrinkles and hair loss (which frankly is insensitive to male readers), another question is, Did he use misleading photos?

  9. 40
    Sayanta

    “Provided the man is not repulsive in some way.”

    lol- this cracked me up

    “you’ve griped about wrinkles and hair loss (which frankly is insensitive to male readers)”

    Why? It’s a personal preference, like men preferring blonde twentysomethings with big boobs. A young woman probably isn’t going to find wrinkles and hair loss attractive in a boyfriend, and she has every right to her opinion.

  10. 41
    Corrine

    Hi, Mic. My apologies to any male readers concerning my comments, I’m just a bit bitter right now. It’ll pass.

    About his online photos, I WAS turned off by his photos. In them, he looked old (his face) and wrinkled, but he has an athletes body. The reason I responded to his e-mails because he talks “sweet”. The poetry, nice words. His has the ability to make women feel he is a caring, gentlemen. He is not. His words are just a practiced, successful technique he uses to lure his victims (women-and I hope only women) in.

  11. 42
    mic

    Thanks for the answer, Corrine. Haha, he didn’t pose shirtless, did he? That’s not a good sign, readers.

    Bitter – yes, that’s understandable. And preferences are preferences. But it must be jarring for many men to hear a woman who isn’t young (hence, Evan’s blog post) denigrate common male signs of aging. If a man were to comment unprompted about disliking women with small breasts, imagine the uproar.

  12. 43
    Jennifer

    @mic#42
    I think instead of small breasts a better example would be sagging breasts or stretch marks or something like that. Just to go along with the aging theme you are talking about.

  13. 44
    corrine

    Mic, yup! He had one shirtless pic…

  14. 45
    Cilla

    Yeah, I used to hit the “next” button for shirtless, too, but it’s so ubiquitous these days, it’s not necessarily a red flag any more. I’m seeing a lot of triathletes, gym rats, personal trainers, etc. posing shirtless. I think it’s also more popular in certain geographic areas (beach communities like SoBe) and with certain ethnic groups (seems to be more accepted among African American men). Have to say, after looking at some of the pics I see on Match, I don’t exactly mind the eye candy.

  15. 46
    mic

    However, sagging breasts or stretch marks probably wouldn’t be expressed as a deal-breaker, because it’s not something for which one realistically can screen:) Unlike shirtless men….

    Does anyone know of a case where shirtless led to a happy long-term relationship? And don’t fit guys know how to show off without being overtly sexual? Most likely not, since most people lack style. It would be forgiveable if, for instance, it’s just one of several pictures from a guy who is an avid sufer.

  16. 47
    starthrower68

    Corrine,

    Unless I miss my guess, I think most of your anger is directed at yourself for feeling you should have known better than to get involved with such a mope. Be careful about beating yourself up too much. When we open our heart to someone, this is an unfortunate risk we take. Sometimes we get a good result and sometimes we don’t. I know working through the anger is a process, but you WILL get on the other side of it. Be patient with yourself and I’m sure you already know this, but NEVER EVER have any contact with this guy again. He is toxic.

  17. 48
    Karl R

    mic asked: (#46)
    “don’t fit guys know how to show off without being overtly sexual? Most likely not, since most people lack style.”

    The ones with a sense of class will be able to show off without being shirtless.

    Since I do yoga, my profile has a couple pictures of me in yoga poses. In both, I’m wearing baggy t-shirts and tight shorts. Both show off my legs (my best feature). In one, the pose causes the shirt to hug close enough to my body to make it obvious that I’m not carrying extra weight. And in that picture, my butt looks great.

    starthrower68 said: (#47)
    “Be careful about beating yourself up too much.”

    I agree. You figured out that you needed to dump this guy, and you did. Everybody makes mistakes in dating. As long as you learn from them, you’ll do fine.

  18. 49
    michael

    What should you do? LOL. If you stick around for that crap then you are just asking for more. Leave it. Oh and all men cheat and all women cheat. Well, not all men and not all women but most do.

    michael´s last blog post…Wazzum Dating Software News

  19. 50
    Sayanta

    Yeah- what’s up with all those shirtless pics? Tacky, dude.

    Hmmm…..maybe I should pose in my bra.

  20. 51
    vlh

    <>

    Codependency. Daddy issues. Society also puts pressure on women to reconcile and “get back together” and “patch things up” even when it’s obvious she should ditch him, revamp her online dating profile and start seeing other men immediately.

  21. 52
    Sayanta

    “Society also puts pressure on women to reconcile and get back together and patch things up ” -

    It does? All the books on relationships I see have one title- Dump his ass.

  22. 53
    starthrower68

    I would submit that society pressures women to be desirable but not to desire. But that’s a whole other blog.

  23. 54
    thomas

    great discussion

  24. 55
    Sayanta

    “I would submit that society pressures women to be desirable but not to desire. But that’s a whole other blog.”

    I really think that’s changing- especially since the past decade.

  25. 56
    Karl R

    Michael said: (#49)
    “all men cheat and all women cheat. Well, not all men and not all women but most do.”

    In other words, you’re saying that you cheat.

    In a psychology class, I remember being told about a study where they surveyed people aobut cheating. The cheaters tended to overestimate the number of people who cheat. Those who didn’t cheat tended to underestimate the number of people who cheat.

    Perhaps one way to subtly screen for cheaters would be to ask someone what percentage of people they believe cheat.

  26. 57
    Sayanta

    “Perhaps one way to subtly screen for cheaters would be to ask someone what percentage of people they believe cheat.’

    lol- that’s actually a pretty good idea.

    Although, I know some faithful people who are just really really paranoid about the whole cheating thing- so I don’t know if it would necessarily be accurate.

  27. 58
    Corrine

    I think Karl pointed out a great way to discreetly ascertain someone’s idea about cheating, but then again, my career is psychology. LOL.

    I appreciate the comments by starthrower and Karl, and yes, I’m more mad at myself more than anything for even giving this assclown the time of day! As you guys have read, I told him it was over once when his creep colors started to show, but I gave him a another chance. The rest is history. A liar is a liar, is a liar…LOL

    I wonder why men who have less than desirable qualities (creeps, unemployed, NOTHING to offer) will treat a woman badly when she treats them well? So, is there really something to the idea that when you treat a man less than wonderful, he treats you better.

    THoughts?

    About women that take men back. I’d say most do. I wouldn’t. With some women, some transgressions deal a mortal blow to the relationship. When a man cheats, it means he didn’t value you or the relationship.

  28. 59
    Anabelle

    It sounds to me that you are a very intelligent woman by the way you write and I believe you know the answerdeep down and you just want everyone here to validate it. Which they have done…

    Ask yourself thesimple question: “Would you treat someone you truly loved that way and if you did what do you think it woulddo to thier self belief, self esteem and self worth?”

    Anabelle´s last blog post…Online Dating Tips Articles

  29. 60
    Corrine

    anabelle, you are right of course…

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