My Boyfriend Lies Right to My Face and I Want to Believe Him

 

My boyfriend and I have been together going on 4 years. We have moved in together and overall, it seems that we are making the steps to build a loving future together. Until, that is, the beginning of February.

While doing some maintenance work on his computer, I came across pictures of his sister’s friend, who was topless. He claimed he had asked her to stop sending them and had only saved the pictures as a way to ensure she would. I accepted his explanation as I have never had reason to distrust him in the past.

Well, a couple months later, I found an inappropriate picture of a female coworker whom I thought had a crush on him. I talked to him about this, trying to be as emotionless and non-confrontational as possible. I explained to him that I can’t stop some girl from sending him pictures, but HE has the power to delete them and put a stop to it.

Since that talk, I’ve found other pictures of his friends in various stages of undress: a high school friend laying in bed with her breasts exposed and another woman fully nude. We had a huge blow-out about it, and I told him I’m going to leave if it doesn’t stop. He begged me to stay, says he’s so sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt me, doesn’t know why they send him pictures etc.

I’m pretty sure he’s not physically cheating on me. We spend almost all our time together, and besides these pictures, he behaves normally. Our sex life is good, we go out, we genuinely enjoy each others’ company. So what’s his deal? Does he just want to get pictures of girls he knows for fun? I mean, I don’t care about porn; that’s fantasy and healthy. But I do have a problem of pornographic photos of girls he knows! I just need some perspective as to why he’s doing this and is this a valid reason to end our relationship?

Nichole

You’ve come up with a real doozy! I mean your boyfriend, of course, not your story.

You ever hear the adage, “Fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me… you can’t get fooled again. Wait, that was the George W. Bush version. What I meant to say, Nichole, is that your boyfriend is playing you for a fool, and, at a certain point, the responsibility falls upon you to take action. That point was about three nude women ago.

Now, when you’re dealing with a four-year relationship in which you’re living together, “taking action” is not something that should be undertaken lightly. Before you pack up your things and move out, you need to have an authentic conversation with him. My concern, naturally, is that he’ll say all the right things to keep you, thereby setting you up for your fifth rendition of “fool me once”.

It’s clear, Nichole, that you WANT to believe him, because breaking up would send your life into turmoil, because blinding yourself to the truth is easier than facing it. Otherwise, I can’t think of any other reasons that a bright, self-aware woman who calls porn “healthy” would believe a whopper like:

He claimed he had asked her to stop sending them and had only saved the pictures as a way to ensure she would.

Um, I don’t get it. I mean, I’m turning it over logically in my head, and I just can’t follow. If he retains the pictures on his hard drive, it PREVENTS more pictures from coming in? Who knew? …

And who knew that deleting the offending photographs was so tricky? After all, when I get junk mail that I don’t want, I generally… save it all in a folder marked Personal. I mean, who wouldn’t keep all the disgusting unwanted porn that infiltrated his computer? But then again, what choice did he have – what with her sending those nude photographs against his will.

This leads me to my favorite whopper – one that could only have been borrowed from the playbook of a four-year-old who doesn’t know enough about life to lie effectively.

He doesn’t know why they send him pictures.

You know how women are – forcing their breasts upon our unsuspecting innocent male eyes, no how matter how much we plead with them to stop.

Yeah, you know how women are – forcing their breasts upon our unsuspecting innocent male eyes, no how matter how much we plead with them to stop.

Like last month’s post from the woman whose husband left her for 18 months, cheated on her, and wants to come back, you’ve become quite adept at ignoring the same advice that you’d give to any girlfriend.

As for your actual question: Why is he doing this and is this a valid reason to end our relationship?

Only you can determine whether this is a valid reason to end your relationship. If you can manage to not be perpetually hurt at his mental adultery, you’re far stronger than most women. There are couples that believe in polyamory – he cheats, she loves him anyway. It’s your call, darlin’. I certainly won’t judge you for staying – but only if YOU’RE comfortable with his penchant for friend-porn.

As to why he’s doing this: Maybe he’s got a wandering eye, maybe he’s a porn addict, maybe he’s a voyeur. You won’t know any of this until you confront him directly, and demand a real answer – not some fairy tale about nasty women who won’t leave him alone. And if you don’t get a real answer – an actual admission that he’s done something wrong and needs to atone immediately (with a zero strikes policy in the future) – you have to have the guts to say goodbye.

Otherwise, this email is just another exercise for the sake of itself. Like the unemployed person who doesn’t look for work, or the heavy person who won’t stop gorging, you’ve turned yourself into a victim of laziness and fear and willful ignorance. It’s nobody’s fault but your own if you get fooled again.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    I agree with Evan, and I’d leave this guy stat. Anyone wanna weigh in on your BF keeping naughty photos of his exes?

  2. 2
    Cute Redhead

    Weren’t there more responses to this earlier today? Where did they go?

  3. 3
    Jennifer

    Yeah Cute Readhead, i know i wrote a response yesterday…

    And I wanted to add to it- you don’t have to wait until someone is actually sleeping with other people before you leave them. That seems to be the bar that most people set, and frankly i think it’s a bit low. If you are unhappy and you don’t trust him, it’s enough reason to leave. It really is.

  4. 4
    starthrower68

    I’m not going to debate whether or not it’s ok for a man to look at photos of other nude women while in a supposedly committed relationship. But there are two HUGE issues you need to deal with immediately. First, where there is deception, there is no relationship. Second, you asked him to stop with the photos and he has not; this is a clear indicator of disrespect for you. Don’t make the pics themselves the issue. You’ve got two deeper things going on here, and in my mind, those are dealbreakers.

  5. 5
    Jane

    I’ve been through this one only they were folders of porn shots of women–unknown to my then boyfriend. Didn’t make it any better. The men say it means nothing. But, it means something to us. I considered it an infidelity of a kind and certainly continuing to collect photos even after an agreement not to. Ultimately, I left because I couldn’t handle what the dishonesty did to the quality of our relationship and, I want to be with a man who respects me and other women. This guy was very well suited to me in many ways and it was hard to end it. He thought I was precipitous in doing so—I, like you was onto the 5th lie. I knew it would never change and I couldn’t settle.

  6. 6
    Jane

    I’ve been through this one only they were folders of porn shots of women–unknown to my then boyfriend. Didn’t make it any better. The men say it means nothing. But, it means something to us. I considered it an infidelity of a kind and certainly continuing to collect photos even after an agreement not to was a further transgression. Ultimately, I left because I couldn’t handle what the dishonesty did to the quality of our relationship and, I want to be with a man who respects me and other women. This guy was very well suited to me in many ways and it was hard to end it. He thought I was precipitous in doing so—I, like you was onto the 5th lie. I knew it would never change and I couldn’t settle.

  7. 7
    Selena

    Actually, if this were my bf of 4 yrs. I would wonder WHY all these different women were sending him topless/nude shots. I mean how many of us do that with old friends, co-workers, acquaintances? Really, he MUST be doing something that is encouraging all these girls to…um…put themselves “out there” like that. Not only would it appear he is NOT discouraging them, it seems he is likely soliciting the photos.

    You think he’s not cheating on you. I wouldn’t be so sure. If he isn’t, I bet he’s leading these women to believe he might.

  8. 8
    Ruby

    He “doesn’t know why they send him pictures” and “had only saved the pictures as a way to insure she would (stop)”. That’s total BS, and I think you know it. Sorry, but women don’t send men these pix uninvited (and these are women who probably all know that he’s living with you). Maybe he tells these women that you’re ok with it. Your BF’s lying and it’s time you called him out on it. Give him a chance to come clean, but if he won’t, you don’t want to marry a liar and a cheater. Oh, right, he hasn’t actually cheated yet (as far as you know), but that is easily the next step.

  9. 9
    hunter

    Pictures do turn us on, almost anytime we want…..

  10. 10
    hunter

    I have had girlfriends tell me, “You want to see a near perfect figure?”….get a picture of one!….

  11. 11
    NewWrldYankee

    I am right there with you, Selena. That is exactly what I was wondering. No woman just sends some random man nude photos of herself unless she runs a camera bot service – and even then, not so much. They want you to pay for those!
    So why is this man receiving all these photos? Smells like a whole lot of mackerel to me! I don’t know if he’s cheated, but more importantly, this bothers you. To the point where you felt compelled to write in about it. For me, if it bothered me this much, I have to talk about it. If that doesn’t work and you can’t agree to disagree (and I think that would be very unlikely here), just pull yourself out of the situation.

  12. 12
    Hot Alpha Female

    It hard when your in a relationship for that long to see something that can be really obvious to someone else.

    You know maybe this is just one his “things”. Well if he isnt doing anything about it … and you can accept it … then yeh sure go ahead. Cont to be with him.

    But if you think that you deserve a lot more than that. And what he is doing goes against one of ur values.

    Then tell him. Give him the option to do something about it, because it makes u feel a certain way.

    N if he doesnt do anything about it .. then you have to decide whether you want to be with a man .. who doesnt take ur emotional needs into his account..

    Hot Alpha Female

  13. 13
    ktr899

    I think that if you know that your boyfriend is lying to you, that’s a problem. Though you should make the relationship a good place for him to be able to tell you the truth without you always jumping on him. I was reading about a girl who’s boyfriend lied to her about having strippers at his bachlor party. Thoughs he didn’t want him to have them, she would’ve been a lot happier if he would’ve come clean, then to think she was marrying someone who would lie to her. Just make sure it is an open place for him to tell you the truth even if you do get mad, let him know you can always work through things but you’re a team!

  14. 14
    naturegirl

    ktr899-
    That’s the biggest load of rubbish!

    The boyfriend is lying. It’s his problem, not hers. If he lies about this, he will lie about other things also. It doesn’t take that much effort to tell the truth, but he lied when confronted.

    Trust is the basis of a good relationship.

  15. 15
    Lance

    I pretty much agree with everyone above, the guy sounds like a douche and must be in some way encouraging his female friends to send him racy pictures. Those types of things don’t just randomly happen.

    I’m surprised no one picked up on this though…what was she doing poking around on his computer? “Maintenance work” sounds totally sketchy, more like being super nosy. Also, how on earth could this homeboy make the same mistake MORE THAN ONCE, like once you get busted, you have to password protect that stuff or hide it or something. Unbelievable. I have a whole separate “guest” account on my laptop for when girls use it just so they can’t go poking around…

  16. 16
    Catherine

    Its funny that I stumpled upon this article, because I myself ended a relationship of 4 years some months. We lived together for a few months towards the end of our relationship and I just had to do the bold move of kicking him out. Im only 19, but I knew that I just couldn’t be with a person that did nothing but lie to my face. He’s broken up with me 4 times to get with other woman, and even though it wasnt technically cheating, he still LEFT ME for others. I played the rebound thing everytime we broke up, and so I felt that I just wanted to be with him in the end. He even got a tattoo on his chest that says our initials to PROVE that he’ll never leave again. But as it turns out, I left him and its been several months, and im doing good. I decided not to date and have been catching up on my college work and never been better with life.

  17. 17
    bella

    Check his SENT folder, and see what he’s sending them.

    if it’s not money, i guarantee you they’re getting something in return.

  18. 18
    hunter

    Some people believe, honesty is not “always” the best policy in a relationship. I have had women lie(to manipulate/control) to me, yet, they call it “diplomacy” or “tactfulness”………LOL!….

  19. 19
    mic

    While it seems clear that he’s up to no good, it also is likely that a good-looking exterior is ‘inviting’ some of the female affection. That might be contributing to the wishful thinking of the woman who wants to believe he’s honest. Unfortunately, many people will overlook negatives to be with a desirable exterior.

  20. 20
    hunter

    on post #19

    “Desirable exterior” that does get people involved in relationships, they would rather not be in…..

  21. 21
    Clare

    @ Lance # 15

    I think she probably did go snooping around her boyfriend’s computer, and I read recently, that girls only do this either because:
    1) They’re insecure generally, or
    2) They know that something is off, and are looking for evidence.
    If you trust your man implicitly, there’s no reason to go snooping.

    I don’t think it was the first reason with the OP, since she had already admitted that she considered her boyfriend looking at porn to be healthy, and insecure girls generally don’t.

    I tend to believe that it was the second reason and there were other things in the relationship that tipped her off that something was not right, perhaps there were lies about other things, for example.

  22. 22
    crystal

    this kind of behavior desensitises family bonds and causes men to loose everything.dear. it means something if they guard it. one woman is enough for one man. well Im breaking.up with my boyfriend because of Loyalty issues..Trust is earned! Im not too bothered about i after 7 mo of being a couple only because it is what it is. I just know these selfish lucritive men will always feel empty and lost and miss love..thats punishment enough for the hurt he has caused. He could have just been on lock about me to make it really good but as I seen it..he stopped short  with his own life. Dealing with a Christian x-con drug dealer in “transformation” is spiritually draining to the point of just snappin him out of my life..had enough excuses, lies and run around for the last time. i have a 10 mo baby who needs a good mature Father who is above all the “that”. what is worse is the relationship he keeps with a fifteen yr meth using informant who bore him a son while she was married with three kids she had lost because of drugs. she still uses and follows me, texts me and calls my boyfriend constantly at work. she sneaks behind her husbands back to jesabel my boyfriend. how sad it is for that little boy. the cops let her go because she says were she gets it from..i really wish cops did thier jobs with dedication  to peeaceful community and put this woman away for causing problems instead of letting her.off the hook just for leads and arrests to other fish in advancing thier career. wish they’d do thier job ethically around here. not good with an impatient boyfriend who constantly has temptations in too many corners he hss had fair amount of chances to do the right things. People make thier own decisions and I have yo choose whats right for the beginning of my family. I choose not to have dysfunction. i never let the father of my baby co.e near my life because of drugs and ex’s are poison to the pure privacy in good 

  23. 23
    Lisa M

    This could be written about a man I had fallen in love with.. turns out he’s a psychopath and they can NOT be faithful to anyone. He lied about being single… all along. His girlfriend found pics I’d sent on his phone.. .yes, we exchanged photos. He’d deleted the pics and texts he’d sent to ME.. so once caught, she told me to lay off. “So now you know he has a girlfriend so just stay away okay?” I was devastated. Twelve days later, he texts me again to start things back up where they left off. He told me they’d broken up, that she was an off and on again girlfriend. Well, she finds more pics and texts and actually believes that he wasn’t encouraging me to keep things going. I guess he kept all the texts and pics for some reason (???) because I was pursuing him with no encouragement from him. They are “so happy” together. Yeah, right. She’s burying her head in the sand because she is as addicted to him as I once was. The difference between us is that I woke up… She wants to continue believing his lies. I guess ignorance can be bliss.. for a while. One day, she’ll realize what he really is. But it may be only after he decides to discard her if he finds someone else he can live off of.

    Checking his sent file won’t show anything. He’s smart enough to delete his emails and photos TO these “admirers”.

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