My Husband Ignores Me and I Have a Crush on My Stepson

I am married to a man who has no interest in me. He never takes me anywhere. All he does is work and sleep. I realized now that he does not make me happy; however, his twenty-two year old son (my stepson) does make me happy. In the past, my stepson has told me that he wants me.

My husband thinks something is going on between my stepson and me. He told my stepson that if he finds out something is going on, my stepson will be out the door. So now, my stepson is backing off a bit; although, he’s still smiling at me and acting like he’s interested in me.

I see my stepson more than I see my husband, and I think I am falling in love with my stepson. What shall I do?

Karen

Next on Jerry Springer…

Okay, Karen, I didn’t want to ignore you, because you asked the single most provocative question that I’ve yet to field in my two years of blogging. But I have to be honest with you: you need serious therapy.

Because while it doesn’t take a psychologist or a dating coach to tell you what to do – DON’T FUCK YOUR STEPSON! – it probably takes a significant amount of $200+/hr shrinking sessions to figure out how you ended up in such an unhappy marriage and how you could possibly think that a relationship with your husband’s son is a reasonable idea.

So please, Karen, go get professional help, get out of your marriage, and go be a cougar to someone who isn’t related to you.

The greatest anguish you have in your email is not about your loveless marriage, nor is it about the weirdness of copulating with your stepson. No, the most acute pain you feel in your email is due to the fact that your husband is onto your illicit relationship and may kick your potential lover out of the house.

It’s not that I’m not sympathetic to you. Many of my emails come from people in unhappy relationships and people with crushes that they can’t act upon. But however serious your issues right this moment – they pale in comparison to the hell you’re going to put everyone through if you get together with your stepson.

Maybe your marriage needs to be ruined, but this is not the way. Chances are, your feelings for this kid – and, as a boy who was born in 1986, he IS a kid – stem directly from the indifference of your husband. His son probably makes you feel special and beautiful and looks at you with starry eyes. You’re likely in love with how he makes you FEEL, as opposed to who he is.

You don’t say your age, but even if you’re only 15 years older than the stepson, you are of entirely different generations. The only thing you have in common is attraction, and maybe a common resentment of your husband. This is not something on which you should stake your future.

So please, Karen, go get professional help, get out of your marriage, and go be a cougar to someone who isn’t related to you. But don’t think that there is any other outcome to sleeping with your stepson than full family tragedy.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Karl R

    I have one personal rule that has kept me out of more trouble than any other: “Always act with integrity.” If you follow that rule, your life will be so much better.

    Example:
    Two of my coworkers are dating. When they met, he was engaged and she was married. It could have been a Springer show in the making. But his engagement was broken off, she divorced her husband, then they started quietly dating. They acted with integrity, so there’s no drama.

    Evan’s advice is sound, and all of it allows Karen to retain/regain integrity. She needs to see a therapist. She needs to get a divorce. She needs to find a loving relationship with someone who is not (and never has been) her stepson.

    It’s the one course of action that will allow her to look in the mirror and still respect who she sees.

  2. 2
    mic

    He very likely is one good-looking stepson. Who probably also should see a therapist.

  3. 3
    Jennifer

    Try to see it from the stepson’s point of view- no matter how much he may dislike his Dad, there will come a day when he wakes up and says ‘oh my goodness, I can’t believe I slept with my Dad’s WIFE!’. If you like the stepson at all, don’t contribute to him being in a position to suffer from that kind of trauma.

    Also you don’t say how long you’ve been married to your husband- have you watched this boy grow up? If so, think of how many issues he will have going forward if the ‘mother figure’ in his life thinks it’s appropriate to have sex with him. Hell, the boy must have issues now!
    Whatever positive spin you can put on sleeping with your stepson is paper thin at best- don’t cause yourself (or him) the trauma.

  4. 4
    Sayanta

    Yeah- I’ve got to see this stepson too. AND he’s in my generation!

    LOL LOL

  5. 5
    Honey

    I agree with what others so far have said. Even though he is over 18 and “officially” an adult, he is still young enough not to make great decisions, especially if poor decision-making is being modeled by an adult in his life. In fact, depending on how long she’s been married to her husband, I t hink that having sex with the stepson is child abuse in spirit if not according to the letter of the law.

    Honey´s last blog post…Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?

  6. 6
    Kenley

    I found it interesting that the husband says if they are fooling around, he will kick the son out, but not his wife too! Maybe it’s just me, but cheating on your spouse with your spouse’s kid seems like the highest level of betrayal to me. Why wouldn’t she get the boot too? Maybe he cares for her more than she realizes, but just doesn’t know how to show it.

  7. 7
    Datective

    I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but seriously?!? Is she making this up? Is this a prank? No one could possibly that clueless! I thought your response was quite generous – don’t think I would have been that tactful if one of my readers asked that question. I mean really!

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  10. 8
    Steve

    I agree with everyone:

    1. Make a good effort to revitalize your marriage
    2. If no #1 fails, end your marriage amicably as possible
    3. Go find a single man
    4. If 1,2,&3 prove difficult for you to do, get counseling.

  11. 9
    JB

    C’mon Evan, is this the Maury Povich show ? I wouldn’t even read this.

  12. 10
    June

    Girlfriend, you need some serious help. And your step son, needs to grow up. Get a divorce, and get yourself out there. You are crazy.

  13. 11
    Evan Marc Katz

    You wouldn’t read it, but you’d comment on it? This woman has a real problem, however absurd it is to you. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it.

  14. 12
    Henry

    Well adults have to work so her husband shouldn’t be punished for working. I take it that she is a house-wife or has a part time job and the 22 year old is in college or unemployed. I think she should move out and get a place with the 22 year old. She’ll be the sugar mommy and he’ll be her fountain of youth!

  15. 13
    Ruby

    I have to side with those who don’t feel this is the right forum for this letter. I thought this site was for people who are single, dating and looking for healthy relationships, not messed-up people in terrible marriages. I’m sorry, don’t mean to be cruel, but come on!

  16. 14
    downtowngal

    I agree w Datective, there’s something a little strange about the way this letter is written – too cut and dry. Women typically embellish their letters when describing their feelings. Also, her husband’s reaction – wtf?? This letter’s a fake.

    Unless you’ve been living under a rock in a cave all your life, or are brain-dead in the sensitivity dept., there is no way a woman like this wouldn’t even QUESTION whether this could be the wrong thing to do. If she were, I doubt she’d be writing a letter to a dating blog.

  17. 15
    Selena

    Yes, it is a bit odd a married person (with incestuous-esq issues no less) would write in on a dating advice blog.

    Is she looking for someone to say “Go for it! Dump your boring husband, run off with his 22 yr. old son! Hey, you only live once, right?”

    Sheesh.

    What did she think Evan would say? Let alone his smartypants commenters.

  18. 16
    Selena

    Another thought:

    Maybe when Daddy remarried he went shopping for a younger model. Don’t we hear of that not infrequently here?

    Maybe she is much closer in age to the step-son than to the father? Doesn’t really change the dilema, but might make it a little more understandable.

  19. 17
    downtowngal

    Assuming she’s for real, the issue isn’t the potential incest. It’s similar to the guy who wrote to Evan about his ‘emotinoally unavailable’ girlfriend who wasn’t addressing his needs so he cheated on her.

    Many people think that just because they’re married the relationship is on autopilot, and couples don’t take the time to connect. I’ve seen this happen, guys get so into their work they take their wives/families for granted. Then they go home one night/after a biz trip and find out that their wives are having affairs.

    I’m NOT justifying this behavior, just pointing out the reality. The women are doing this for attention from their husbands, albeit in a passive-agressive way. They’re home, kids are in school all day and their bored. In some cases the husbands don’t want their wives to work, it’s a status thing.

    Karen’s stepson looks attractive because he’s THERE. He could just as well be the contractor/neighbor, etc.

    So what type of person woud do this? A self-absorbed narcissist who probably has borderline personality disorder. This woman should seek professional help, not post letters on a dating web blog.

  20. 18
    Sayanta

    “Maybe when Daddy remarried he went shopping for a younger model. Don’t we hear of that not infrequently here?”

    A little off topic- everyone always says the above, but I have yet to see an example of this outside of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ok, and Donald Trump. I know that some older men WISH that they could get some 25-year-old ass, but does that ever pan out to reality? Maybe other people have seen it- I always see couples, both old and young, in the same age range.

  21. 19
    Karl R

    Sayanta asked: (#19)
    “I know that some older men WISH that they could get some 25-year-old ass, but does that ever pan out to reality?”

    I went to Match.com and skimmed through a random sample of profiles of 25 year-old women in my part of the country. 6.4% of them were willing to date a 40 year-old man. One was willing to date 55 year-old men.

  22. 20
    thomas

    I have seen something similar to this in a number of both women and men. They do not take their marriage or commitments seriously. I have seen a number of women in the past move in with a guy, just to 6 months later date another guy, while still living with the prior. When things break down, she moves in with the second guy.

    Too many people get bored and always want to be entertained. If a girl brings her cell phone on a date and finds herself speaking on it more than to me, it is the last time that I am going out with her. I have had dates with so many women that seem to talk non-stop on the cell phone.

    Too many find themselves with I-pods or some other crap. I have no idea what others are doing right now, because of the fact I try to stay away from these devices.

    In general, I see a number of people that are tuned into personal entertainment devices and have tuned out the world. When you have people that continue down this path, they lack social skills and the ability to move in and around proper social behavior.

    Too many people are just bored. They always want to be entertained. That to me is not an adult but a kid. Life can be boring, a lot of the time it is boring. That is just part of growing up.

    People have to get to the point where they know what they want. This person has already made her decision. She is not ready to settle down. She has a short attention span.

    Even if she gets with her step son, I do not see it lasting very long. She might be with him long enough to clear some of cob webs out of the old cave, but then she will be off after her next love.

    The sad thing is, I see this all the time. Many women want it all and will throw a fit when they can not get everything that they want. Every month to every 3 months they have a different guy that they are living with, they spend their entire life like this. They are never satisfied and always looking to “one up” their last boy friend.

    I would guess that this person also has bad spending habits as well and does not pay attention to the way she carries herself. I wonder if she is a trophy wife. That maybe where a lot of the problems lie.

  23. 21
    Lance

    Kinda bizarre. I think I saw this one in a movie once. Oh wait, it was from the perspective of the male stepson who slept with the MILF while she was married! Doh!

    She needs to exit the marriage stat for both their sakes. Hubby needs to WAKEUP and realize he’s loss his manhood. I hear and see this about loveless marriages all the time. She needs to get her life back. I don’t think she needs therapy at all. This is a very natural reaction to a bad situation. She simply needs to suck it up, initiate the divorce, move out, and start dating again. That’s therapy enough. If she’s attractive to a 22-year-old stud, she’ll be attractive to plenty of other guys.

    Lance´s last blog post…Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?

  24. 23
    kelli

    all i know how to say is… yikes! and I hope she’s not a teacher.

  25. 24
    thomas

    What I wrote seems to be a bit of a ramble. I want to clean things up a bit.

    I feel that a number of people have separated themselves from the world and are more concerned with being entertained than anything else. Once something looses its ability to keep one’s attention, they move on.

    I have seen a number of relationships where either the man or the woman are in this situation. Once the other person does not continue or is unable to continue to hold the attention, the girl moves on to find someone who will provide everything that they want. Once this next person is unable to provide all the attention, she just moves onto the next person. This pattern continues for the rest of their life.

    Some women want it all. To have everything is not possible. They want a man who is a good provider (which can result in working all the time), someone who is always there for them (this is usually only available for someone who is unemployed), and someone who can provide for them anything and everything they want. For a woman who wants all the extremes wrapped up in a single ball is unreal. They have a short attention span and will look elsewhere when they find a single flaw in the relationship.

    I say unplug your television and talk to your partner in the evening. I would like to see more people aware of others around them then the gadget in their pocket, cell phone, I-pod, or what ever the next gizmo is….

    People should be less concerned with what makes them happy today and more concerned with what will make them happy in the long run, say 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now.

    A lot of people only think about themselves and not how it effects those around them. This is a loss of social skills or it is just a sign of plain rudeness.

    Looking back at the original article, I would say that this woman is unhappy with what ever she does and is only looking for a quick fix. A quick fix only last a few moments. Once the moment is gone, you have to deal with the mess that has been left behind.

  26. 25
    downtowngal

    Lance said, “This is a very natural reaction to a bad situation. She simply needs to suck it up, initiate the divorce, move out, and start dating again.”

    Evidently her husband continues to let this happen, so why should she be the one to initiate the divorce? And I don’t see what’s so natural about this, not every woman who’s in an unhappy marrage would consider doing her stepson with no regard for her husband’s feelings.

    Also, we’re only hearing one side of this (albeit a shallow and possibly fake side).

  27. 26
    Honey

    I think that Lance has a point – she hasn’t DONE her stepson yet, so at this point it’s just attraction, which seems natural enough given her unhappiness in her marriage. And, as others have pointed out (and which I hadn’t thought of in my original comment) she HAD to know what Evan and everyone was going to say, so she was perhaps kind of using us to jolt her back to reality.

    And since we know the wife IS unhappy and there is no evidence that the husband is, it seems pretty obvious that she’s the one that needs to initiate the divorce. Or at least some serious talks with the hubby…

    Honey´s last blog post…My Boyfriend’s Mother

  28. 27
    Sayanta

    “all i know how to say is yikes! and I hope she’s not a teacher.”

    lol- Mary Kay Letourneau- The Sequel!

  29. 28
    Cilla

    There is a lot of good, credible, scientific research that supports the idea that geographic proximity (living or working together) and adrenaline (due to danger, secrecy, etc.) fuel the falling in love process, or more accurately perhaps, the perception that one is falling in love. I’m sure Karen, experiencing both of these factors, perceives her emotions to be very real, and if she perceives this, it is her reality.

    I agree with Evan, though, sleeping with her stepson would be unethical and open up a host of psychological issues for both parties.

    Karen, I think you should use this experience, as painful as it is for you, to learn a few things about yourself: 1) you are in an unhappy marriage and need to either revitalize it or leave; 2) you need to feel good about yourself, and while your relationship can contribute to this, the best source of this is internal–you need to love yourself first; and 3) you are attracted to younger men, which is perfectly OK when they are not related to you and you are not attached to someone else.

  30. 29
    Michael Ejercito

    6.4% of them were willing to date a 40 year-old man. One was willing to date 55 year-old men.
    That is a small proportion.

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