Why Do Alpha Males Cheat on You?

Why Do Alpha Males Cheat on You?

It would be tempting to say, “because they can”, wouldn’t it?

Really, it doesn’t seem to be that complex. As noted in this Time Magazine article, modern-day men of power — Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, John Ensign, JFK, FDR, and most recently, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn — are noted for their serial wives and philandering. No need to get started on the rock stars and athletes who fit the same profile. What do these people have in common?

Three obvious things: Power, money and opportunity, which means access to women and considerable travel.

Cheaters not only think they won’t get caught, they think they’re above the law.

What the Time article also notes is something I hadn’t considered before, the point in life at which unusual privilege was first conferred.

“Members of royal families are born into a world of indulgence and entitlement, and the princelings who grow up that way may never have to develop the emotional musculature that will allow them to show self-restraint. Athletes often start life at the opposite end of the wealth and prestige spectrum, but as soon as they exhibit an unusual talent for swinging a bat or sinking a free-throw they may find that the rules have been suspended for them. They are waved through school and into the pros, and incidents of bad behavior are overlooked or covered up. Any skills they may have been developing for self-control or self-denial quickly wither.”

In other words, if you didn’t “make it” until you’re 40, you’re more likely to have built up some measure of restraint and humility that prevent you from infidelity. The common thread among the rich and famous is that they’re so used to having whatever they want whenever they want – they’re so not used to hearing the word no – that they actually forget or ignore that normal rules are supposed to apply to them.

As I’ve written before, Tiger Woods didn’t take the time to make a pros/cons list before cheating. If he had, he never would have done it.

Pros: Fucking a waitress in a Denny’s parking lot. Very hot!

Cons: Losing my wife and kids, losing all my endorsements, losing a few hundred million in a public and messy divorce, losing the respect of the world, losing my golf mojo and confidence, possibly forever.

Cheaters not only think they won’t get caught, they think they’re above the law.

What’s sad is that, unlike Tiger Woods, they rarely face great consequences for their behaviors. Their wives take them back and other women continue to want them despite their considerable narcissism and character defects. Way to teach ‘em a lesson, girls!

Read the full article here and share your thoughts below.

1
0

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (53 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    knowledgeispower

    @ EMK – #16
     
    Thank you!
     
    @ Jenna – #3
     
    Your assertions about Jackie Kennedy Onassis are bizarre, inaccurate and not supported by historical fact.  
    Jackie came from a well-to-do family with plenty of money and social capital, so she really had no reason to “marry up” with John Kennedy who was a representative at the time.  She had a degree from a prestigious university and worked as a reporter prior to wedding Kennedy.  After she became First Lady, she served our country in many ways — by developing art-related projects, working on international diplomacy and serving as an unpaid advisor to President Kennedy.  Maybe she should have left her husband if she knew he was cheating when he was president, but I think she did the right thing by not sending the country into turmoil by filing for divorce from her husband while he was still in the White House.  
    While she went on to marry billionaire Aristotle Onassis, she continued to work for more than twenty years as a book editor later in life — even though she didn’t have to.
    I’m still at a loss how anyone can blame this woman instead of marveling at the service she provided to the United States free of charge.

  2. 32
    Some other Steve

    @Cat5 #31
    Evan is speaking to his audience, which is women who are looking to find lasting relationships (plus a few hangers-on men like me).
    He’s not here to rail about societal ills, which he can’t do anything about, but to help women – some of whom are his customers – achieve their goals, and the only thing he has even remote influence on is his audience. He has said for a very long time that he is not excusing men, only explaining how the world works.
    Suggesting to women “Do not enable the jerks” is not the same as (a) excusing the jerks or (b) blaming the women. The world is a big place with a lot of complex interactions, and empowering women is a win for all of us (including the men).
    If you take a counterpoint of your views as meaning they “aren’t allowed”, then perhaps you’re more of a victim than you allow yourself to believe.

  3. 33
    Amy

    Melie@7,8:  I was the other woman, but my affair was not a betrayal to all women. I take responsibility for my actions fully. Looking back, I neither regret nor am I proud of what I did. I was single, and I felt incredibly special to be this man’s mistress. Other women who have been there will know what I’m talking about. The man was not an alpha, but instead a sweet, funny, low-key guy whose wife neglected him sexually. I knew when I decided to get involved with him that I had to have a personal code: 1) I would never ask him about his personal life, 2) During the times I was with him, I would be completely in the moment and focused on him, and 3) if I felt I was getting emotionally attached to him, I would end the affair. I stood by that code. And of course, I was always extremely discreet. He was thrilled that I appreciated him and he was very grateful to have some fun and adventurous sex and witty pillow talk. It was nice to be with a man who was so thankful and excited to be with me. Sometimes, dating single guys, they feel entitled to sex after a couple of dates. This man treated me like gold. He always arranged a beautiful hotel room for us. I never entertained any delusions that I would be with him in real life. I did not ruin his marriage or his life, but gave him a much needed dose of affection, attention and most of all, appreciation. Giving him these things was extremely rewarding and I gained a measure of sexual confidence. (this is why there will always be women who are willing to have affairs with married men). BUT the key is, I knew when to get out. When the time came, after about 6 months, I ended it like a grown-up. Looking back, my first question is not “Why did I have an affair with that man?”, but rather, “Why did his wife withhold sex from him?” If I were married and I withheld sex from my husband and we didn’t get it resolved, I would expect him to eventually stray. When most people take marriage vows, they are not taking a vow of celibacy. If my husband withheld sex from me and wouldn’t work on the issue, I know what I would do, sooner or later. And simply getting a divorce is not always a realistic or desirable option.

  4. 34
    marymary

    Amy
    Glad you are out but they ALWAYS say they aren’t having sex with their wives, or their wife is a bitch.  So what, that’s his problem. He married her.  Unless you want to  make a career out of being the Cheating Husband Whisperer, don’t go near the married men.
    If he is lying to her, what makes you think he isn’t lying to you, and to himself?And all of this might come as news to the wife.

  5. 35
    Cat5

    @ some other steve
     
    LOL Steve…I knew no matter what I said you would find a way to turn it around and I’m a victim.  Apparently, you do not recognize a tongue in check comment when you read it.  Next time, I’ll find the appropriate emoticon to add at the end of my comment!  :-D 
    As for Evan speaking to his audience, in my humble opinion, he was not.  If he was, I believe his last statement would have been as I previously suggested…something like if you date a person like this…run…run…run like the wind, not way to teach them a lesson “girls!”
     
    Unless, of course, you think that this blog is read by mostly “girls” who let their cheating husbands/boyfriends get away with it, or “girls” who want to date/marry/screws these types of guys.  :-7

  6. 36
    Kathleen

    Amy 35
    I agree with Mary Mary.   
    A man who is lying to his wife is very likely to be lying to his mistress. 
    My question is why would you believe a man who lies to his wife.  
    Getting a divorce would be a realistic option for a guy with integrity and some courage if he has truly tried to resolve things with his wife and failed

  7. 37
    Androgynous

    MaryMary and Kathleen, you both make excellent points. By becoming a mistress and ministering to your lover’s “needs”, you excuse him from taking accountability for his decisions – ie marrying the wrong woman and not doing anything about it, or else not having the balls to suffer the consequences of making a bad decision. That is in the event that what he is telling you about his “bad marriage” is even true.

  8. 38
    Leesa

    well, there are also the women like tiger wood’s wife, who obviously didn’t have a clue that he was having sex with other women. tiger was skilled enough at lying, manipulation and deception such that he not only fooled his wife, but he fooled the world for a long time (or the media who followed him for so many years and didn’t catch him out).  and when his wife finally did find out, she flipped out.  that’s what happened with me. i didn’t know i was with a cheater. he was very skilled at hiding his chasing of other women and acting like he was a loyal one women man. as soon as i finally got a wiff of a dirty stinking rat, i bailed out. i and my family were shocked that he had fooled us all into thinking that he was someobody that he was definitely not.  so there are also those women who don’t have a clue that they are with a cheating alpha male. and i’d put good money on the fact that the women that my ex cheater is with now, didn’t have a clue that we were still together when she hooked up with him. of course, i can’t say the same for the women who hooked up with tiger baby.

  9. 39
    Anita

    There are all different types of cheating, and sometimes what seems like cheating isn’t. Strauss-Kahn didn’t cheat–he had an open marriage. Woods cheated because he did not have an open marriage. We don’t know what the exact story is with the presidents discussed here. Some people say that JFK cheated because Jackie wasn’t down with his affairs, but some people say that it was a common type of political marriage where both people have affairs  and it’s only a problem if those affairs become public (there is some evidence/gossip that Jackie and Hillary may have dallied as well).
    Sometimes the “other woman” knows she’s involved with a married man and sometimes she doesn’t. And sometimes it’s more complicated than that. What if a man is technically married but separated and looking for his next wife? If a man likes being married he isn’t going to wait until the papers come through to start dating. If you wait until his divorce comes through you could miss a marriage-minded guy who might be a good partner.
    Just food for thought.

  10. 40
    Gabi

    Hi, I’m from Hungary and I am a regular reader of Evan’s blog. I just wanted to add that it is not just alpha males that cheat on their wives or partner. I think so called “nice guys” can be just as bad. I wanted to add this because it has been bothering me for a while that Evan seems to suggest that only “alpha males” can treat women badly. I married and average guy and he happily cheated on me. I also dated several average guys who mistreated me. So I don’t think it is an alpha male privilige.

  11. 41
    Straight Talk

    There are many drivers that tempt people to cheat, both male and female. Ego is among the greatest with regard to conquest cheating (waitress in parking lot example), but there are others (broken relationships leading to affairs, etc.). Both “alpha types” and “beta types” are subject to ego. But we all have a choice and are responsible for our choices. I believe Evan is saying that if you are involved with someone who participates in sexual conquests outside of your relationship you have a responsibility to yourself to make the right decision (not put up with bad behavior and love yourself enough to expect more) and in taking responsibility it will demonstrate to the “cheater” that you will not put up with such bad behavior. I doubt someone as astute as Even would think that this will literally change the “cheater’s”, but it certainly sends the right message. We tend to get exactly what we accept. And as for society, there are far too many stereotypes and judgements that are not useful and do not reinforce individual choice and accountability. In reality, BOTH participants of conquest cheating are looking for an ego stroke and both are accountable: the other people in relationships with the “cheaters” have to set their own standards and be accountable for themselves. 

  12. 42
    Lucy

    This blog is building my confidence. Thanks Evan. Yeah the fact I’ve dated narcissists is definitely on me and not them but they can be hard to spot. I’m too trusting.
    Anyway, I don’t see cheating as a specifically alpha trait. I think Tiger Woods cheated because he is an overachiever with a sense of entitlement. And yeah I think it is so sad that some women will put up with poor behaviour from their husbands because of the fringe benefits and the money they can provide. I asked some male friends who pointed out that isn’t necessarily the man’s fault. They said “Well if their wives don’t put out, you can’t blame them for looking elsewhere”. I still think that’s a terrible justification though. Do people really become this jaded in marriage that they give up on certain standards for an easy and settled life?
    I agree with the above. I cheated on someone in the past and regret it terribly though owning up straight away does not do much to salvage it. I cheated due to unmet needs but it wasn’t his fault, in spite of himself. I should have had the courage to confront the situation rather than bury it away. And when you don’t confront realities, that’s when you impulsively start acting out. It’s all about personal accountability. Cheaters are weak. That is the truth. But it taught me a lesson in humility which never be unlearned. I have such a positive view and better understanding of men now.
    I think true alpha males don’t cheat because they have integrity and a strong of right and wrong in the face of obstacles. They are courageous. Cheaters aren’t.

  13. 43
    henriette

    I also wonder if we mistakenly imagine Alphas to be cheaters because we hear about them more often.  I mean, when a President or world-famous golfer with heaps of endorsements sleeps around, that makes it to the front page.  When a substitute teacher or part-time IT guy who spends his spare time smokin’ weed and hitting the bars cheats, it probably won’t even be discussed on the local cable channel : )  Just ‘cuz we hear about it more often doesn’t mean it happens more…

  14. 45
    Gina

    Play the “Youre’ So Vain” soundtrack as you read this…
    I consider myself being with an “Alpha” for a “too long” relationship. I say that because he was ambiguous about his whereabouts, and clearly not exclusive, from what I saw/found around his house, even left in the open, and not hiding as well as he used to. I do think he wanted to get caught! (less stress of having to lie to so many women?)  Oh yes, he was still dreaming about his Ex wife, he said. The tampons in the bathroom were HERS… or he cleaned his ears with them?
    So, I conclude from all my unofficial research, that sn Alpha Male feels  his intelligence was superior and that he could “put over” on a few of us lowly females, his own ego fantasies about having a harem or whatever, to pull into his schedule whenever.  I do know I messed his game when my own availability CHANGED (for example, I was the Monday/Thursday/Sunday girl) and I know he had his Tuesday/Thursdays and Friday/Saturdays open up for “other activities.”   Oh, my game put him out of sync of when I was going to show up (or not.) It was humorous. yes, he was so IN DEMAND on the other days…or so he imagined.  I used to see his “date shirt” Hawaiin print hanging on the doorknob after an outing or two.
    I take some responsibility for leaving an earring by the bedpost andtipping off the girl of the week.  Found him sitting on the doorstep, head in hands, looking dejected.  My Bad! LOL  Ladies, he had his own supply of KYJelly…big Ewwww…what does this tell you? His suggestion: used it to “satisfy himself.” Um, No.  You’ve been tracked on Match.com by my single friends, you jerk.
    Well,, does this make an Alpha Male appealing? Let’s look some years head when the little schwantz isn’t working. It’s a lonely world for these cheaters b/c the women have thier numbers and no one wants to put up with these fools…unless they are Tiger Woods and have a fortune.  No, my Alpha Male looke old and raggedy last sighting of him.

  15. 46
    Scott

    I think Liz @22 has it correct.  The key to dating an alpha male is to realize he is going to date dozens of women, and only 1 or 2 are going to get the “brass ring” of marriage, children and a big “parting gift” in divorce.  The rest are just going to get to go on fancy dates and vacations, maybe get a nice piece of jewelry and then get dumped.  If you want to “catch” an alpha, best chance is when you are young and he is older.  If you date close to your own age, very little chance the guy will be ready to settle down when you are.  So the 35 year old alpha female who wants an alpha male probably has to settle for a guy in his late 40s or 50s.  The odds of catching a 39 year old alpha male who is ready to settle down are vanishingly small (unless she quickly adopts Evan’s suggestion of emphasizing her feminine ernergy).  But for a woman who simply cannot tolerate beta males, and can’t easily tone down her alpha aura, dating older is probably a decent strategy.

  16. 47
    Angel

    I agree that women are partly to blame.

    I get a lot of attention from men, particularly Alpha males, and although they are extremely intoxicating with their charm and good looks, I can walk away easily despite how much I may like them if I see red flags. 
    I consider myself a high value woman because I am very educated, very evolved and I have a high moral code. I also have a fun sense of humour, am cheeky and naughty and still a virgin despite having a high sex drive- Alpha males of course figure this out quite quickly because they are smart, and stick around for years on end trying to get in my pants. FYI I look like KIm and Roselyn Sanchez but with a better smile and eyes, equally curvy.
    What I find is that after losing me because I think I am too good for them, the Alpha male tends to re examine their approach and try again and again to have me.It drives them wild. 
    It feels great to walk away from an almost perfect man and have him still hanging around blaming himself for making a mistake…I wish more women out there could stop giving it away so easily- yeah I’m probably missing out on a lot of fun, but i know that I will have my alpha male that will adore me, lavish me and make other women feel cheap rather than sleeping with them because I am his dream girl. 

    More women should control their emotions and work on improving themselves to become an alpha female with alpha males dying for their attention!!

  17. 48
    GL

    I love that this blog mentions that people who are cheaters think that they are above the law. A couple men I’ve dated (who reminded me of each other), claimed that “all men cheat,” and had issues with keeping jobs and considerable run-ins with the law. 

  18. 49
    Karl R

    GL said:
    “I love that this blog mentions that people who are cheaters think that they are above the law. A couple men I’ve dated (who reminded me of each other), claimed that ‘all men cheat,’ and had issues with keeping jobs and considerable run-ins with the law.

    One of my college psychology classes talked about this phenomenon. People tend to assume most people are like them. Cheaters will overestimate the number of people who cheat. It reinforces their belief that most people are like them. People who don’t cheat will underestimate the number of people who cheat. It reinforces their belief that most people are like them.

    Shortly after I learned about this, the university newspaper released a study that they had done on cheating (on coursework and exams) at the university. About 5% of the students cheated. The cheaters (on average) assumed that 25% of the students cheated. The students who didn’t cheat (on average) assumed that 1% of the students cheated.

    If your significant other overstates the percentage of people who cheat in relationships, I would treat it as a red flag.

    1. 49.1
      GL

      This is an excellent argument, and if I’m in a tart mood I may just use it on someone.

  19. 50
    Maria L

    I met my ex boyfriend at a police function (yes, he is a police officer). It was funny how we met because I was there with my cousin and he was there alone so they put him at my table. He was very cute and charming and we hit it off right away because he was funny, charming, confident and not to mention sooo gorgeous, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Anyway for two years we kept in touch so to speak as friends. He kept asking to come over  or go out but I was busy and had a lot of things going on at that time. We used to flirt quite a bit during that time. Anyway one day I was moving and he offered to help. At my new home, we ended up kissing but nothing more.  We decided to date for a bit but never really went anywhere. We started sleeping together and the first time we were going for about 6 hours…it was very memorable to say the least….anyway, because he is an officer, I know how the schedules work so I know that he worked a lot. He told me he lived with his brother, his sister in law and their kids, so it was difficult for me to go there. Anyway, we spent the whole Easter sunday in bed together and sex was always amazing with him. I didn’t see him for 2 weeks because he said he was on his yearly training course but we planned to see each other the following day. My mom dropped by my place and we decided to go out to dinner that evening. The place my mom chose I wasn’t too keen about but since it was my mom, I couldn’t say no….anyway we had a great meal and on my way out of the restaurant, I noticed ahead there was a man that looked very much like my boyfriend, he had a kid on his lap and 2 other kids running around a woman sitting next to him holding his arm. I looked at him as I passed by and he looked at me. YUP, it was my boyfriend with his wife and kids (how do I know because as I was walking out they announced mr/mrs table was ready). He looked at me as if he had seen a ghost. He just nodded his head and I smiled and him and nodded mine. I immediately deleted all his numbers and didn’t talk to him for 3 years. I hadn’t been on any dates with anyone after that day because I had lost the trust.  Then one day, I saw him at a friend’s party. I wasn’t feeling very well so  he offered to drive me home.We got to my place and made love from about 10pm  until about 3pm and he had to go. We didn’t talk about that night 3 years ago and continued a sexual relationship for about 3 months after that. I fell in love with him and finally asked him if he was married, he said no but he had a kid and lives with his woman. I became physically sick. Not that I’m nieve but I guess and hoped things had changed since I last saw him.  Anyway, after days of crying wondering what I was doing because I had fallen in love with him I decided to end it and told him that as much as I loved him, he was bad for me and I had to let him go because I can’t be in love with someone who wasn’t mine and it broke my heart to know that he was cheating on someone at home who thinks he’s just working late all the time. I felt like crap. In my defense, I was married and was cheated on by my husband. I actually walked in on them, so when I saw him at the restaurant I HAD to end it. I don’t know why I slept with him after the 3 years but it did. What hurt the most was that he was so attentive to me while we were together. We used to joke and tease each other in bed all the time and the sex was amazing. It was more his charm and sensitivity that was hard to leave but I knew I had to do it. I miss him and still love him but there is nothing I can do about it because he is not mine and never will be. Then I found out that he has been seeing another woman besides me (duh to me…if he is cheating on his baby mama of course he will cheat on me )  and I can’t help but wonder about the lies he tells her too.
    The worst part is that he really is charming, gentle, funny, handsome and basically everything I look for in a man and then some (minus the cheating). This is what I don’t get…how is it that these women end up with the guy that I want???  

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>