Am I Crazy For Falling In Love With A Rockstar?

Rockstar

Evan, I’m one of those smart, career-oriented, busy women. I manage a band, and I’m starting my masters in music business, so a heavy work load and living on the road with five guys for weeks at a time can put a damper on an unfolding relationship, but I don’t mind. I love what I do, and I’m lucky enough to be business oriented with the opportunity to live in the moment. Plus, romantically, I’m a sucker for musicians.

Five months ago the keyboard player was going to move in with me and my boyfriend. The boyfriend… well, he went to jail. It ended badly. Keyboard player and I ended up crashing with friends. I had school payments so I decided to “go with it” until I could get back on my feet. We spent a solid month roughing it, side by side. We were the best of friends. We talked for hours, cooked extravagant meals, and slept on our respective cots… or couches… or floor mats. We’d even help each other pick people up. It was great fun, he’s the best companion ever! Then we got drunk and hooked up. And, unlike most stories that contain that phrase, things got even better.

He said he’d been forcing himself to hold back because I manage his band, but I was too smart/attractive/fun and he couldn’t take it anymore. We agreed to call off our trysts if we became too attached or started to get jealous. Now we’re both stable again and things are confusingly wonderful. We date other people openly. We harshly make fun of one another’s dates and always take each other’s advice when it comes to ditching someone who isn’t good for us. The band’s doing better than ever. He and I are quite the intimidating creative team. So here’s my question: WHAT am I supposed to make of this?

I’m not the kind of person who needs to be affirmed by my relationships, and it seems that the strong boundaries of our “relationship” work so well because they are elusive and undefined, no mess no fuss. The analytical side of me says this feels too good to be true. Hot rockstar, the most intelligent and stable male I know, doesn’t pressure me to hook up and becomes my best friend instead. We still talk for hours every day, have incredible sex, and instead of harming each others careers like we feared, we’re actually making each others lives better. We have a million things in common, and he reads me so completely. He changes his tone of voice or his touch to suit my mood, and always addresses when I’m upset… Then I have to go play babysitter to the barely legal girls with backstage passes throwing their panties onstage, and instead of getting upset, I think: yeah, he’s awesome. I’m proud of him.

Am I completely insane for falling in love with this guy? And am I misreading his behavior?

–Kristen

You’re not crazy… The only thing you’re doing is playing Russian roulette with your heart.

Kristen,

You’re not crazy.

You’re not misreading his behavior.

You’re not wrong to have strong feelings for this guy.

The only thing you’re doing is playing Russian roulette with your heart.

And that game somehow never seems to end happily.

Here’s a parallel I want to make for you in terms of low-percentage dating opportunities.

A client in Chicago will say to me that she’s really excited about this man in Colorado. They’ve been emailing, chatting on the phone and she thinks she’s falling in love.

Got it.

Without knowing her well, or him at all, what I do know is this:

You probably end up meeting one out of every 10 people you email on a dating site.

You may only really like one out of every 10 people you meet in person.

But that guy is ALSO emailing 10 people and may only like 1/10th of them.

And that guy has to be equally enthusiastic about you as you are about him.

And that guy has to be emotionally available and ready for a committed relationship.

And that guy has to be willing to put in a ton of energy to get things off the ground, flying back and forth, sacrificing his local social life, and putting his eggs in your basket, before deciding who will ultimately move to be near the other person.

In other words, if online dating has a low percentage of success, dating has a lower percentage of success, relationships have even a LOWER percentage of success, and long-distance relationships have the LOWEST percentage of success…

Which brings me to my next thought: Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. Someone I know expresses surprise that this couple didn’t have what it took to make it in the long run.

Surprise?

  • He’s French.
  • He was 22 when he met her. 25 when he married her.
  • He travels for half the year due to his work. So does she.
  • Both are highly desired by members of the opposite sex and face constant temptation from fans.
  • Oh, and by the nature of the majority of people who perform for a living, both are likely inclined to be a little selfish, a little narcissistic, and a little driven by the need for more, more, more.

Viewed through that light, the demise of their relationship (and ANY Hollywood relationship, for that matter) is about the most predictable thing in the world.

So now let’s get back to you and your heretofore perfect relationship.

Long-distance relationships have the LOWEST percentage of success…

He’s in a band.

He travels a lot.

He’s willing to sleep with his (jailed) friend’s girlfriend.

He continues to sleep with groupies.

On the plus side, he’s a good guy who treats you well – and why not? You don’t demand any fidelity from him. He gets to have his cake and eat it, too. Why would he rock the boat at all?

You think he’s too good to be true? YOU’RE too good to be true.

You’re the girlfriend who doesn’t ask him to stop sleeping around!

But once you decide that the backstage groupie shenanigans are no longer appropriate, you’ll see the dark side of dating a rock star, a basketball player, a politician, a CEO.

And as long as you’re willing to do that for your whole life, you can probably have a great “relationship” with your rock star. You just won’t have him all to yourself.

But once you decide that the backstage groupie shenanigans are no longer appropriate, you’ll see the dark side of dating a rock star, a basketball player, a politician, a CEO.

These guys are hunters and they’re not gonna stop. And why should they if they can get away with it?

So the choice is yours. I’m not going to tell you to not date a man for whom you have strong feelings.

I’ll just let you know that if I were a betting man, I wouldn’t expect to see your name in the New York Times wedding announcements any time soon.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Steve

    smart, career-oriented, busy women
     
    I certainly mean no offense or disrespect to Kristen, but so many people use that tired phrase and does it really apply?  I’m beginning to think women project a little bit when they complain about men’s egos and narcissism.
     
    How smart can a woman be to make the kind of guy who would go to jail her boyfriend?  How smart could she be to knowingly mix her work and romantic life?   How career oriented can she be to invest tuition money in music management?
     
    Man, I know that sounds nasty.    I apologize for any offense.   I think I need some cardio and maybe a meal.

  2. 2
    Ruby

    I have to say that this is the most unintentionally funny letter I’ve seen here. Let’s recap: last boyfriend ended badly and now in jail, gets drunk and hooks up with new hot rock star that she also works with, and has open relationship, thinks she’s falling in love. Wheee! Sounds like a fun ride and an adrenaline rush, but perhaps this guy isn’t really relationship material? Kristen doesn’t sound as if she’s looking for that either. Does she feel like she has to justify what she’s doing by calling it love, or a relationship? He sounds like a great f-buddy to me. EMK is exactly right about the type of man for whom power is an aphrodisiac. Just don’t forget the condoms, sister, and try to avoid falling in love.

  3. 3
    Ruby

    Also hard to believe that this man is the most “stable” male she knows.

  4. 4
    Honey

    @Steve, I think the women who do it are explicitly referencing EMK’s business slogan and saying that they identify with his brand, at least the ones who do so on this site.

    It sounds like the LW is not in a place where she wants or could provide a regular/real LTR, so she’s probably fine for the moment.  However, when she does reach a point where she is willing/able to settle down, it probably won’t be with this fella!

  5. 5
    Dean Kaplan

    I think she needs to have a conversation with the gentleman and tell him what she’s said to you, Evan.  Telling HIM what exactly is on her mind is going to get more accomplished, in my opinion.

  6. 6
    Lily

    Aww she wants to be Pamela Courson…

  7. 7
    Zann

    Ugh. Once again, I gotta ask myself: What’s her question? 

    I know what my question is: Besides her “professional” role and maybe her age, what, exactly, separates her from the groupies she babysits? Or the girls/women he hooks up with & then they talk trash about later?  Why all the arrogance?

    Also confounding is that she says she likes the “boundaries” of their relationship because they are so elusive and undefined. Huh? That sounds an awful lot like NO boundaries to me. But if it works for you, where’s the problem?

    She may be “smart, career-oriented, busy” but she also insists that relationships with men do not define her. Really? First of all, it seems obvious that a great part of this guy’s allure is his, er, Rock-Starishness… his babe-magnetism. (She’s downright “proud.”)  Second, in reality, don’t all of our relationships define who we are, to a degree? 
    It sounds to me like she’s trying to convince herself, & maybe us, that she loves her free, open, professional-sexual relationship with Rock Star Dude, while at the same time clammoring for outside approval of it. Why? If you’re genuinely loving the arrangement, enjoy! 

    But if you’re having long, daily, intimate conversations with a guy and also sharing his bed when it’s available, don’t go all wide-eyed with surprise when you discover: ”OHMYGOD, I think I’m in love with him! How did this happen?” Again, the arrogance thing — why should she be immuned to attractions of the heart or the choices it requires?

  8. 8
    Michael17

    As a guy, if I knew this woman’s story before the first date, I would run. Not that I don’t think we’d have a good time together in the short term, but longer term her arrangement would not work for me. I don’t want a woman to have as her best friend a guy she sleeps with and is in love with.
     
    Her previous boyfriend going to jail would also make me question some things.

  9. 9
    Angie

    Honey, I’ve done what you done and can tell you two things about guys like this.
    1 – You are his f*** buddy, not his girlfriend.
    2 – What you have that these other girls don’t have is that you are ALWAYS around.  You work with him, and you aren’t gonna be gone in two days, when the band leaves to go on tour again.
     
    If he has flat out told you to not develop feelings or get jealous, then he has told you what he wants.  The one guy I know to genuinely want a relationship got out of his line of work in a couple months after meeting a girl he was interested in.
     
    This doesn’t mean don’t live in the moment and have fun, but your “FRIEND” told you the truth – do NOT fall in love with him!  If you want the job and the fast life and the excitement, keep living the way you do.  If you want a relationship, get stable yourself and then you will find a guy who is good for you.  (I figure you must be in your early 20s, so I don’t think there is anything so bad with living in the moment and having fun as long as you are smart about it).

  10. 10
    starthrower68

    I would say that this letter looks like the OP is in the midst of a rush of feelings and based on her writing, it hasn’t settled down enough for her to make sense of it.

  11. 11
    Dean Kaplan

    Starthrower68, what’s “the OP?”
    Angie, how can you be so sure that to him, she’s just a f*** buddy?  (Even though you’re probably right)
    Ruby, how can a woman “try” not to fall in love? It’s way harder (if not impossible) for most women to have sex with one man over a course of time without developing strong feelings.  If she doesn’t want to fall in love (sounds like it’s too late) she needs to stop having sex with the guy.
     

  12. 12
    Shouraku

    “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
    Maya Angelou
    The man that you are in love with has no problem sleeping with his jailed friend’s girlfriend as well as numerous groupies. He has told you that he does not want anything serious.
     
    Believe him.

  13. 13
    starthrower68

    @Dean,

    OP is original poster.  And thank you for addressing the “try not to fall in love” conundrum.  I understand that men are sexual creatures; I get it and am not bothered by it (unless the guy is really creepy and wierd).  However, if a woman doesn’t use wisdom in that area, that is foolishness, pure and simple.  I don’t mean playing games with a man and making him wait as a means of manipulation.  What I mean is, a woman has a responsibility to guard her heart.  There is a smart way to go about being open to a man.  I’m not going to ignore a man’s needs, but I’m not going to intentionally set myself up for emotional chaos and upheaval either.

  14. 14
    Joe Amoia

    Kristen,
    I have one question for you: Is this path going to lead me where u want to go? It might be helpful if you ask yourself what you would like the end destination to be. Do you want a long term committed relationship with this guy & does he have those special qualities that you’ll need to spend the rest of your life with him or is this just like Spring Break for you and you’re willing to go all out and have as much fun as you can realizing it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less?
    No one can tell you what to do but be careful. many women who meet a guy on Spring Break have their hearts broken when they realize that the special guy they were hooking up with has moved onto someone else.
    Good Luck!

  15. 15
    Sara

    Dean #11 – OP means ‘original poster’ (I think!)

    I sympathise with the OP as I have fallen into the trap of thinking I am “fine” with a no-strings friends with benefits relationship in the past and have slowly but surely started to develop feelings for him. It’s the oldest story in the book. Unfortunately it took me until age 30 to learn to say thanks but no thanks (I’m 33 now and following Evan’s tips in the hope of finding something a bit more lasting). . . I have never had an experience where a friends with benefits thing turned into mutual love. I know there are exceptions, but as Evan has said before, the exception does not disprove the rule. I hope the whole experience is not too painful for the O.P. I guess sometimes we need to go through this stuff to learn the lessons.

  16. 16
    starthrower68

    And, as a general rule, again acknowledging there are always exceptions, sex doesn’t make a man fall in love with a woman.

  17. 17
    Jadafisk

    Dean Kaplan,

    She’s not having sex with one man, the relationship is mutually open.

    “we date other people openly”

    For all we know, she could eventually leave him for someone else who wants exclusivity that she was dating in tandem with him when she gets tired of it.

  18. 18
    Steve

    @ #12
    The interesting thing is that this guy HAS been honest.  It will be interesting to see if some sort of onus gets shifted to him anyway.

  19. 19
    Goldie

    #11 “It’s way harder (if not impossible) for most women to have sex with one man over a course of time without developing strong feelings.”
     
    If that were the truth, no woman would ever initiate a divorce… but here I am :)
     
    Re the letter, I couldn’t say it better than Shouraku @#12. The guy does sound like he knows how to sweep a woman off her feet, yet he also sounds like bad news. For crying out loud, they’ve agreed to terminate the whole thing if one of them becomes too attached?? How’s that even remotely a healthy relationship? What I’m reading in this letter is that the guy sees them as FWBs, and would not mind at all if the LW continues looking, and eventually finds someone who’s more seriously inclined.

  20. 20
    Ruby

    Dean Kaplan #11
     
    “Ruby, how can a woman “try” not to fall in love?”

    As Kristen’s letter shows, it is very, very hard. She agreed to this in the beginning, “We agreed to call off our trysts if we became too attached or started to get jealous,” but now asks, “Am I completely insane for falling in love with this guy?”

  21. 21
    Gem

    O.P. – “Am I completely insane for falling in love with this guy?”

    No, you are completely insane if you think your FWB setup is going to lead anywhere…

  22. 22
    Ms. Trace

    #11 “It’s way harder (if not impossible) for most women to have sex with one man over a course of time without developing strong feelings.”
    Goldie #19
    If that were the truth, no woman would ever initiate a divorce… but here I am 
    I have wondered about this one too. So why don’t all these women who fall for alpha males but end up heartbroken just sleep regularly with those “nice guys” and then let the strong feelings naturally happen?
    Not that easy. trust me, I have tried. Have never had a problem walking away from a physical relationship with a guy I was never really that attracted to.
    Also would like to point out that the definition of “alpha” can be relative.  A very good looking, strong, powerful female can still land and “alpha male” who may not be considered as such. ie: Madonna and Guy Ritchie. Most saw him as “beta” in the relationship, but if he was dating non famous women, he would be considered “alpha”.
    I wish Evan would provide more clarification on this issue. Wall St. bankers consider Doctors “beta”.  But many people would consider Doctors to the in the “alpha” category.
    Back to famous couples: Marica Cross and her husband. Apparently she made the first move. And she is the same age as her husband (40′s) who is a stockbroker.   But he is the “beta” male in this relationship because she’s the famous celebrity.  Any regular 40 something year old  woman would be advised to not pursue a stockbroker type her age, but to go with a nice guy who earns less and is a bit older.
    I don’t think it’s that easy to divide alphas/betas that easily.  The more desirable a woman is, the more likely she would consider most men betas.

  23. 23
    starthrower68

    Sometimes – well ok, most of the time – it seems as though a woman should be desirable but not desire.  Unless she wants no-strings attached sex and then that’s ok. 

  24. 24
    kat

    I have to disagree…. its early days and obvious he really likes you. I would give it a bit of time. Obviously you have an open relationship and I think thats great! And it probably makes him feel alot more comfortable with you because he can be open and free too.

    I would tell him how you feel. be straight that you that you think your might be falling for him. Don’t worry about his response. He will eventually think about it when the time comes that he doesn’t want anyone else but you! but don’t depend on that ever happening as it might not. Just hope it does for your sake hun.

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