Are You Seduced by the Clarity of Passion?

Are You Seduced by the Clarity of Passion?
Janie is a 45-year-old private coaching client who registered for my Passion Course, in which I provide 8 weeks of intensive personalized coaching, beginning online and moving offline.

After 3 weeks, she already found a guy she was excited about. Sure enough, he was quite a catch. Tall. Young for his age. Successful. Good writer. What she liked most was how he acted differently than all the rest of the online dating guys.

If you’ve ever had this experience of investing too much emotion in an emotionally unavailable man, keep reading.

If you’ve ever had this experience of investing too much emotion in an emotionally unavailable man, keep reading.

He called when he said he’d call.

He followed up after the first date.

He talked about a future from the get-go.

And when they kissed…? Forget about it. It was magical.

For 5 weeks, it seemed that the stars were aligned for Janie. And then, in the most predictable unpredictable fashion, he pulled away, without a word.

I’d like you to think about YOUR past relationships.

You had an amazing first month that quickly fizzled.

You had a passionate three-month relationship before he slowly pulled away.

You’ve been with him for 5 years and he still hasn’t proposed.

In each situation, you’re driven by your hopes and desires at what could be… instead of focusing on what really is.

It’s frustrating and unfair, but, so you know, men do the exact same thing.

Last week, I went out with a friend who is one year out of his divorce. He met his wife when he was in his late 20’s, and now, as he crosses 40, he’s trying to evaluate what went wrong.

In fact, he told me that he’s turning to online dating, but is moving slowly because he’s so particular about what he likes physically.

Uh oh! Instantly, my red flags started to rise. I decided to probe deeper.

We talked about chemistry, passion, and lust. We talked about his relationship with his wife, his relationship with his Mom. We talked about what he’s really looking for in a partner. After twenty minutes, he finally settles on this:

• A woman who makes him laugh.

• A woman who doesn’t always put her needs first.

• A woman who isn’t cold and uncommunicative when she doesn’t get her way.

• A woman who has the same vision of a family and future as he does.

The moral of the story is that, to make better decisions in love, you need to have a different perspective – one that doesn’t come naturally to smart women like you.

In other words, he’s looking for someone completely UNLIKE his ex-wife – even though she DID have the physical attraction he found so important. The very trap that led to his divorce will strike yet again if he puts attraction first and doesn’t recalibrate what’s important.

Thus, chemistry is what may bring a couple together, but it’s not what keeps a couple together.

I hope you realize that I’m not telling you to go without chemistry. I’m just telling you to look at what you ignore when you feel passion:

Did you put up with a man who insulted you?

Did you put up with a man who didn’t let you know you were special?

Did you put up with a man who didn’t make you feel safe?

Did you put up with a man who cheated?

Did you put up with a man who didn’t want marriage or children when you did?

If so, I hope you can concede this one important point:

“Passion doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be together, but it does a great job of obscuring when you SHOULDN’T.”

This is what I call “the clarity of passion”.

You feel so strongly about a guy that you ignore all of these HUGE reasons why you shouldn’t be together.

And if you’re stuck on some man who, for whatever his merits, does not treat you well or share the same vision of a future, it’s YOUR job to LEAVE him. You should not expect him to turn around just because you feel passion.

Men are not great husbands simply because they’re cute, smart, funny, and successful. That’s just what seduces you.

Men are great husbands because of how they treat you. Yet that’s the first thing you’ve given up when you’ve felt that blinding passion.

The moral of the story is that, to make better decisions in love, you need to have a different perspective – one that doesn’t come naturally to smart women like you.

If you’ve been reading my blog and my newsletters for a while I hope you’re starting to have that shift in perspective.

You’re not gonna wrong once you know how to do things right.

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  1. 31

    Chemistry is natures desire for you to procreate with that man. High chemistry is natures over rides generally all true reality about how a man will treat you long term. You should follow natures desire for the SHORT TERM it will lead to the highest most amazing emotional fulfillment.

  2. 32

    @ Bill #31,

    There are consquences to following impulses and not always good.  That highest most amazing emotional fulfillment is quite easy to get addicted too and when it goes away then one has to find another source for it.

  3. 33

    “You should follow natures desire for the SHORT TERM it will lead to the highest most amazing emotional fulfillment.”

    Instant and temporary gratificatin does not equal emotional fulfillment.

    But it sure can be fun for awhile 😉

    The best scenario is to find chemistry and compatibility in a person who has the qualities for a life long, and fulfilling relationship.

    Now….where did I leave my magic lamp?

  4. 34

    @Bill #31, Bill if that’s the case, with the guy I like we would probably have 20 kids! Haha. As it is, he sees a baby in his future, but I don’t want any more kids.

    Do I need to say goodbye? (comments welcome from anyone)

  5. 35

    Margo… here’s my comment…
    To be honest, from everything you’ve said about this guy across multiple posts over the past month or so, I see little positive about him and nothing that leads me to believe that this is a man that has the potential for anything lasting.
    He drops in and out of your life, he has a Madonna/whore complex where he tries to have sex with women and then judges them if they did it too early, he has some mental illnesses (which maybe would be manageable if that was the ONLY problem he had), he wants kids and you don’t.
    So, uh, what’s appealing about him again?

  6. 36


    “So, uh, what’s appealing about him again?”

    I believe she said it’s what he has in his pants.

  7. 37

    Ah, I must have missed that post.  🙂

  8. 38

    Margo, I pity the woman that ends up with that guy for the long haul and the baby they subsequently make.  He’ll have them both emotionally screwed up.

  9. 39

    SS and starthrower, I’m attracted to this particular guy because he has a good heart, among other things…hehehe. 🙂

    Yeah, I know that isn’t enough. Sigh.

  10. 40
    Born Again Virgin

    Zann 14 – I absolutely love your visual of carrying around a baggie with crumbs in it . . . for a year.  I beat myself up nearly every day that I can’t/won’t let this emotionally unavailable guy go.  I got suckered into a “friends with benefits” situation, which I was willing to do because of circumstances in my life.  But, as I discovered, it is almost impossible for me (and maybe for most women) to have repeated sex with a guy and not become emotionally attached.  The funny thing is that he got emotionally attached but chose to withdraw rather than tell me.  Still, those scraps & morsels keep me hanging on.

    After I submit this post, I’m going to go get a baggie and look for some really pathetic crumbs.  I never thought about a visual aid, but it might just work.  Now, if I could only get some scraps & morsels to keep in a bag. . . .

  11. 41

    At NN, #5.  I am right there with you.  I’d be thrilled to meet a man that is physically attractive in my eyes and has the other qualities.  I won’t settle on either aspect, because I don’t think that is unreasonable.

  12. 42

    I must have the hardest head in the world!  I know all this, I read all this, I understand it all but yet I fall trap to the “chemistry” part EVERY time!  I met this guy online.  We connected, we talked for a couple months on the phone before we decided to meet.  Everything was awesome!!! Stimulating conversation, funny, attentive, caring.  We talked about our futures…we had so much in common.  I thought I found the perfect man.  We finally met and had an amazing weekend together.  But I chose to ignore some of the things he did because I didn’t want to speak my mind.  We were out driving around a national park and he pulls out a 6 pack of beer and drinks it, like it was something he did everyday. He drove like I would sober.  I ignored it.  He took me boating, again snigger 6 pack.  Everyday we were together he drank anywhere from 9-12 beers and made no issue about it.  I should have been concerned for MY safety but I chose to ignore it.  Well he hasn’t called me in tro weeks.  I was basically a weekend booty call.  I saw all the signs, there were others, but I chose to ignore them.  Ugh.

  13. 43

    I get what you are saying and I agree that you are right don’t be blinded by chemistry.  But in this world of online dating, particularly with a lot of choices, I am going to pick the men that I have the most chemistry with to go on the second date.  If I go on five dates for example and two of the men I feel chemistry with and three I do not, going out with the three other men would not seem to make much sense and be a waste of time.   I’ve in the past tried to develop relationships with men where there was not initial chemistry and found myself forcing the 2nd and 3rd dates, finding excuses to get out of it, but always going and wishing I would feel something, but not.    In a world of non online dating I think it may be different because if you met someone in a non dating  situation you did not have chemistry with you may develop feelings and I have in that way. In that situation though you don’t have a man with expectations and you are just living your life.  What I am saying is a man you work with or who runs in your social circle is generally not going to get mad at you if he finds out you felt no chemistry or were just hanging out with him as a friend because he may have felt the same or even if he did not he did not feel owed.  And you are not investing “dating time” you are just living.  I work 60 plus hours a week and volunteer.  If I’m going on 5 dates a week or even 3 I want them to be good and no doubt so does the man.  I don’t get angry if things don’t work, but boy do the men!  They are very nasty.  So you see when you have so many men asking you out and you are trying to pick the right one it just does not work the same?  How do you remedy this quandary.   That’s why I got off all the main stream dating sites because it was just too many men too much contact I could not pick I could not focus so overwhelmed.   I do tinder now simply because it is the only site that allows me to control who I talk to so I don’t get inbox overflow.  Human  nature is going to be if you have say 15 choices go with the men you are attracted to, the one who makes you tingle, not the one who  may possibly make you tingle four months from now?  How do you think online dating effects your chemistry theory and how do we work around it?  A profile does not allow you to weed men out particularly when most lie. You cannot go on that many first dates without scheduling multiple a day and you can only learn so much on a first date, so chemistry is what we tend to go with.  Please don’t take me as arrogant I am just being honest and I know it’s just not me.  Plenty of women are similarly situated.  This is like telling people  here’s a car lot with 100s of cars, ranging from a  brand new Bugatti to a used dodge neon year unknown and everything in between.   You have a week to read the specs or car fax reports and then 10 minutes to inspect each car personally, now some may have longer less dates equally longer.  Pick three that you want to test drive for 3 months or so, then you have to pick if you want it for life. We have all had friends who still run their trusty 1992 Honda Accord and those who wrecked their brand new sports car in a week.  But if given that myriad of choices and that short of a time to decide who among us is not going to go with what is new, shiny and looks the best?  Versus 15 years ago, where all the cars available to most people would be the ones in your area , so a Bugatti even if  you were also a very good looking sports car would never come your way in small town middle of nowhere western America.  So you focus on that accord or Taurus or whatever was near you because those were your options and guess what most of the time those options worked out.  You could not go online and see 100 more. Do you see my point?   It’s something focused on in modern romance the book how people used to marry people that lived something like in a ten mile radius of them.  How do we choose and not let chemistry be the guide?

  14. 44
    Tiger Lily

    Along w/ EMK’s Love U & this blog, I’ve been following Arielle Ford’s guidance.  Arielle suggests an exercise to assist w/ purging “can’t let go” relationship juju–write down the name(s), then burn the list.  I did this exercise and modified a bit, writing down the name of every man I have had sex with.  Then I reviewed each name on the list and the history.  Remembering and recalling the circumstances of our initial meeting, the length of the relationship, the hotness factor, everything–the total history.  Certainly, the chemistry factor was there for many of the men, but also not for a few.  For me, the whole exercise was proof of how fleeting sexual chemistry is.  Mostly fun at the time but fleeting, and not w/out a few serious hurts.  There was something important and beneficial about seeing the whole historical picture that gave me a new perspective of what I should be focusing on in the pursuit of a true & lasting love relationship.

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