How Do You Know He Loves More Than Your Looks?

Hi Evan,

I’m a very successful, 37-year-old black/mixed race female who had over $40,000 worth of plastic surgery 4 years ago. I won’t lie: I did it to hopefully land a “top quality” guy. Here’s the problem: It actually worked. The surgeon was very skilled and I ended up a much prettier and younger version of myself.

Pre-surgery, very successful men have always found me attractive enough to date. But it was my “personality,” I was often told, that they were attracted to. But wedding rings eluded me, and these men soon broke my heart and went on to marry hotter girls. And the black men I wanted ended up marrying white women. (Yes, yes, all the clichés.) Now, with my new looks, these same types of alpha males behave quite differently: they call regularly, talk about a future together, and yes, some have even proposed.

To give men some credit, I have to say that I’m also more fun to date. Because when a guy always treats you well, it’s easier to be confident, sweet and lighthearted. Here’s my dilemma: I am currently with a “great catch”: early 40’s, tall, black, very successful, treats me well. He wants to marry me and have a family. He tells me that he was initially attracted to my looks, but it was my personality that won him over. Thanks to me, he is now all about family values and want to raise a strong black family. (Prior to me, he had mostly dated blonde women.)

But I can’t seem to say yes. I can’t shake the feeling that should my looks fade, he might change his mind, and I will end up divorced in 7 years, with young children. What I really want now is “that nice guy who would have loved me with my flaws and all” – the kind of men you encourage strong women to give a chance to. Even though my boyfriend tells me he loves me, even he admits that had he met my former self, he might not have given me a chance in the beginning, but now it doesn’t matter because he sees me for who I am. What to do? Dump him and start looking for that “nice” guy who might not show up in time for me to have children? Stay with this guy and live with my fears? Help!

Martine

Dear Martine,

Not only have I already written a treatise on how difficult it is for attractive women to trust men, I’ve had at least 3 girlfriends who lost over 40lbs before dating me. I can pretty much guarantee you that I would not have given them a second look at their former weight.

This doesn’t mean that I’m shallow – at least no shallower than anyone else in the world.

It means that I have preferences, same as you reading this. And as much as I preach being open to all sorts of possibilities, the fact remains that all of us are as valuable as our options.

All of us are as valuable as our options. If you have 500 men in your Inbox on Match.com, you be afford to be choosy…

If I prefer women who look like Barbie, but am not particularly tall, rich, charming or charismatic, I’m probably not going to get many Barbies. I can theoretically hold out for the Barbie of my dreams…or I can consider dating a curvier woman who has everything else that I’m looking for in a partner. Same thing goes for women. If you’ve got 500 men in your Match.com Inbox, you can afford to be as choosy as you like. If you determine that none of them are suitable because you want a six-foot-tall man with dark skin who loves dogs and Glenn Beck, then, well, you may be waiting for a while.

What you’ve done through your plastic surgery, Martine, is made yourself more “valuable” and desirable to the opposite sex, thereby increasing your number of options.

This is nothing to apologize for, as it’s had its intended effect. And if you’re doubting whether your boyfriend is being “real” with you, I don’t even think that it’s the right question. The issue here isn’t about your boyfriend: it’s about you and your own self-esteem. The fact that you’re not positive you “deserve” this guy is just beneath the surface. You’re looking for an excuse to run instead of delighting in your successful relationship.

This reminds me of a girlfriend of mine who never quite believed that I could be attracted to her – not while I was attracted to the women in Maxim and Internet porn. I couldn’t have been crazier about her, yet she broke up with me three times because she just didn’t feel safe. She had a fat girl complex – from how she treated me as a constant threat to cheat, to how she fumed that men were gawking at her new body in the gym, as if it’s their fault that she was once 40lbs heavier.

I’m no therapist, but, in layman’s terms: you eventually have to get over it.

Do you think ugly rock stars spend much time worrying about WHY women like them?

Do you think rich men squiring golddiggers around are losing sleep at night?

The truth is that we are the sum of many parts. Some of them are what draw people in… some of them are what keep people sticking around forever.

Do you think ugly rock stars spend much time worrying about WHY women like them?

Attractiveness is a sales tool – nothing more. You’ve probably heard the expression, “See that hot woman over there? Some guy is getting sick of screwing her right now.” It acknowledges a basic truth – looks can only get you so far. Personality, emotional stability, playfulness, generosity – those are the things that keep men hooked on you. This is a central tenet of “Why He Disappeared”. Yes, he has to be attracted to you, but long-term relationships are forged in something much deeper.

Every man knows that there will always be someone younger, hotter, and thinner than his wife… He makes a choice to forgo those women because of what he stands to lose.

Your concern is a real one, Martine. Rich men with nothing going for them WILL lose their golddigger wives when they lose their money. Hot chicks with nothing going for them WILL lose their shallow husbands when their looks fade.

But that’s not you. And it’s not your boyfriend.

He only knows you as you are now – smart, strong, successful, and, after $40,000 in plastic surgery, a lot more physically attractive. Take heart in the fact that you were able to afford the kind of changes necessary to increase your dating pool, and don’t spend anymore time second-guessing how you got there.

Your very reasonable insecurities only stand to mess up the good thing you’ve already got going. Please report back and let us know how it goes.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    JerseyGirl

    I think by agreeing with the statement as “true”, you are infact endorsing it. You even agree that the sentiment s negative and derogatory to women yet you thought it was worth putting in your blog to women. What isn’t endorsement if that?  How is that positive? Women don’t need more comments endorsing negative derogoatory thoughts about them, especially the ones that agree certain sentiments are negative and derogatory. Almost like it’s just a woman’s lot in life to accept that this is the way men view us, degradement and negativitiy and all.
    How is that any different then saying something negative about a person’s heritiage, culture or race and saying it’s “true” even if it is negative and derogoatry?
    Look, I am really not trying to be difficult but lets try this exercise in all fairness.
    You’re statement:
    “See that hot woman over there? Some guy is getting sick of screwing her right now.”
    Inserted with different adjectives: ( My intent is not to offend ANYONE. Just to show how different a statement looks when certain words of equal value are inserted in place of others. Such as inserting “woman” for ‘African American”, ” Man”,  or “Jew”.

    We would never make these statements about others or think to! Lets stop making them about women under the pretense of “helpful”.
    I am honestly not trying to be difficult. It just gets over whelming hearing how easily some guys can say things about women that aren’t very positive and we are suppose to listen to it as “truth”.

  2. 92
    Karl R

    JuJu said: (#91)
    “I think it’s hurtful both ways.”

    You might want to read this blog post again:
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/the-secret-to-understanding-men-they-don%e2%80%99t-go-both-ways/

    You don’t get a man who tells the truth when he should be truthful and lies when he should lie. You get a man who tells the truth damn near all of the time … or most of the time … or some of the time.

    Unless you’re with someone who reads minds, your significant other doesn’t know when you want him to tell the truth and when you want him to lie. He does know when he’d prefer to lie to you … and that preference is going to color his decisions about when he lies.

    The more often he tells the truth, the more likely it is that he will tell the truth when you’d like him to lie. The more often he lies, the more likely it is that he will lie when you would like him to tell the truth. Which of those two options are you more comfortable with?

    JerseyGirl said: (#92)
    “we seem more facinated with implants in America then real breasts.”

    A lot of men prefer real to synthetic. That’s why Pamela Anderson isn’t attractive to me. She was a pretty girl before she had any plastic surgery.

    I’m a big fan of reconstructive plastic surgery. I’m a big fan of the surgeries that help hideously deformed people look normal (or as close to normal as the surgery can take them). It’s the purely cosmetic surgery that tends to turn me off.

  3. 93
    JuJu

    Why, I really don’t think that honesty and tact (or common sense) are mutually exclusive qualities.
     
     

  4. 94
    Cat

    #95 – JerseyGirl, Evan tells women the truth so that they can make positive changes in their lives, based on the way the world really is, not how we’d like it to be.

  5. 95
    Joe

    JerseyGirl, I’ve never heard anyone say, “See that hot Jew over there? Some guy is getting sick of screwing her right now.”  Whereas I have heard, “See that hot woman over there? Some guy is getting sick of screwing her right now.”

  6. 97
    C.

    Chris, I’m curious, have you/would you go under the knife to improve your professional status?
    I’ve noticed a surge of the men at my office getting eyelid surgery (Korean men). The CEO even encourages it (so I’ve been told by the office gossip). I get sad when some of my co-workers have their young children come to the office, and they look nothing like their parents…but they may someday because apparently some have their kids get the surgery when they hit 14.
    I wonder how long before we performing cosmetic surgery on infants!

  7. 98
    JerseyGirl

    Karl, I agree with you on reconstructive surgery.
    Cat, what positive change are women suppose to make from the comment that even *hot* women get old and boring to guys? I am not asking for cupcakes and ponies. I’m not asking to be lied to. I’m just asking for comments that are derogatory not to be made.
    ———————————————————————————-

    Joe99

    JerseyGirl, I’ve never heard anyone say, “See that hot Jew over there? Some guy is getting sick of screwing her right now.”  Whereas I haveheard, “See that hot woman over there? Some guy is getting sick of screwing her right now.”
    ———————————————————————————–
    That’s exactly my point Joe. You would NEVER say “see that hot Jew/African American/Guy..etc etc etc” because that would be slanderous. But for some reason, it’s okay to say it about women. That’s not cool.

    1. 98.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @JerseyGirl – You’re really missing the point here.

      Nobody says “Someone’s getting sick of that screwing that Jew” because it doesn’t make any sense. It has no resonance. It’s nonsensical, like “Flapjacks taste better on Mars”.

      The statement about women – whether you like it or think it’s derogatory – is something that is a WIDELY held sentiment among men. They chase the hot girl, get the hot girl, and realize that beauty is only skin deep. As such, this is more an indictment of THEM than it is of HER. They got the hot girl and now are bored with her – and need some stimulation. But to deny the reality of this statement, simply because it offends you, is patently foolish. You, as a woman, NEED to know what men think and what they feel in order to understand and connect with them.

      To ignore a statement like “See that hot girl over there…” is the equivalent of an ostrich putting its head under the sand to hide.

      So please, stop with the “Evan is derogatory” stuff. I’m not derogatory for reporting things that men say any more than the New York Times is derogatory for reporting what Mel Gibson said to his Russian girlfriend.

  8. 99
    Cat

    #102, I have to agree with Evan. He wouldn’t be doing his job if he didn’t tell you the truth about men, and some of that truth is ugly. You don’t have to like the truth. But getting angry at him won’t change anything. And frankly, I appreciate his honesty on these topics! I’m out there dating in the real world, not some imaginary one. It’s a good to remember that women can’t just rely on being “hot” to keep a man’s interest, even if that gets faster short-term results.

    #85, Helen, I hope you’re getting over that illness! I love the Juno quotation and the way you applied it to your relationship.

    #36, Annie, well-said! I had a boyfriend in college who refused to work out because he said he wanted to be loved as he was, not as he could be. Except he became a lawyer… Guess he’ll never know if he’s loved for his income or his… income! :)

  9. 100
    Bill

    I hope you don’t mind if I try to clarify your point about “see that hot girl over there…”
     
    JerseyGirl-
    Part of the meaning behind the phrase, as Evan pointed out, is the indictment of the guy who’s “tired of boinking her”.
     
    You have to look at why he’s tired. One reason is that often times a guy will overlook very obvious flaws in a girl who’s very hot. Then he hooks up with her, and after a while he finds her beauty and the sex not enough to compensate for her being vapid, self-indulgent, a b*tch, a nag,  or anything else that makes her personally unattractive to him. (This isn’t to say all hot women are as flawed as they are hot, but some are).
     
    This is very typical of young (i.e. College-aged) guys. Been there and watched it happen over and over (not with me, but my peers).
     
    So he’s not just tired of “screwin’ the hot chick”, he’s tired of dealin with her BS, and even her being hot isn’t enough to get past the nuisance of putting up with her non-physical shortcomings.

  10. 101
    SS

    I’m late on this one, but I appreciate Sayanta chiming in on this. I think the racial issues here are being overlooked.
    As a black woman who is not mixed race, but sometimes mistaken as such, I know that there are a number of successful “alpha” black men who are specifically seek out a lighter-skinned/mixed-race black woman. They might have spent their dating lives chasing whites (particularly blondes), but because of social/racial/community “obligations,” will choose to marry black.
    BUT, the catch is that the black woman selected will rarely be dark with pronounced African features… she will often be fairer or mixed-race.
    Another poster asked if Martine’s surgery put her closer to that “ideal,” which could be another reason that the black men that passed her by before are now suddenly coming out of the woodwork. Her boyfriend’s history of chasing blondes but now suddenly wanting a black woman to marry would be something that would make me raise an eyebrow… and if Martine’s new appearance is more “European” than her old look, then there is the legitimate concern as to whether her boyfriend was just looking to get a slightly darker version of the white women he seemed to prefer.
    This could have consequences that could rear their ugly heads in a marriage. What if the children are “too dark” for him? What if he constantly talks about how great Martine’s less African features look? What if he continues to show a preference for a phenotype that she’s not, and makes it clear by his actions that his marrying a black/mixed-race woman was to basically save face in his community and not seem like he was a so-called traitor to black women?
    If this was just about weight loss, I would say that Martine should work through whatever issue she had in accepting the compliments that came with her new body. But there’s so much more going on here…

  11. 102
    Sayanta

    To SS-

    It’s funny, I actually see Indian men’s profiles on Match where they’re standing next to some cute blond chick. Umm….okay, what’s going on here? I’m guessing they didn’t cut her out of the photo, because they can say, “See! I can get a blond chick. I’m worthy after all!” It’s really sad.

    Then again, I heard an Indian guy the other day complaining that Indian women do the same thing, so I guess it goes both ways….

  12. 103
    Karl R

    SS said: (#106)
    “What if he continues to show a preference for a phenotype she’s not, and makes it clear by his actions that his marrying a black/mixed-race woman was to basically save face in his community and not seem like he was a so-called traitor to black women?”

    SS,
    I realize that you’re stating a dating reality and not necessarily expressing your own opinion, but this statement jumped out at me.

    If I were to marry a woman who was black, oriental, Indian or native American, the only people who would call me a traitor to my race would be the white supremecist bigots. I have no “obligation” to choose a partner based upon the approval of bigots, nor do I feel any need to “save face” with them.

    How would you describe a community where those type of obligations exist? How would you describe a community that judges individuals based upon the color of the person they marry?

    SS said: (#106)
    “[...] there’s so much more going on here…”

    I think you’re right. There is a lot more going on here.

  13. 104
    m

    ” How would you describe a community that judges individuals based upon the color of the person they marry?”
    This happens all the time, Karl — in East Asian communities, South Asian communities, African American communities, French communities where there’s been a comparatively substantial influx of Algerian immigrants.
    The fact that you’re so incredulous about it really indicates to me that you’ve never had to deal with it, and so really don’t have any idea about how harsh the psychological ramifications can be on people who do.
     
     
     

  14. 105
    SS

    M, thanks for bumping this. Somehow I totally forgot about this post!
     
    So let me respond to Karl, about one year later… if he even remembers or cares about this question!
    SS said: (#106)
    “What if he continues to show a preference for a phenotype she’s not, and makes it clear by his actions that his marrying a black/mixed-race woman was to basically save face in his community and not seem like he was a so-called traitor to black women?”
    If I were to marry a woman who was black, oriental, Indian or native American, the only people who would call me a traitor to my race would be the white supremecist bigots. I have no “obligation” to choose a partner based upon the approval of bigots, nor do I feel any need to “save face” with them.
    How would you describe a community where those type of obligations exist? How would you describe a community that judges individuals based upon the color of the person they marry?
    You are correct that I was not stating my opinion, but a dating reality in many minority communities. I don’t consider a person who marries interracially to be a “traitor” to anything… that would be foolish, BUT, if a particular person is considered to be a scion of the community and wants to position himself or herself that way, having a mate of a different race could, in the eyes of some in that community, make that person seem like a hypocrite and it certainly could be brought up as a mark against him or her if he or she is attempting to hold some sort of social or political leadership position in that community.
     
    Speaking of the African-American community in general, the practice of prominent men heavily selecting their wives and potential wives from the lightest end of the color spectrum is rather common and almost predictable. Yes, some of those couples just happened to meet and fall in love, but to think there’s no sort of social selection going on is naive. My cousin, who is a lighter-skinned black woman with long thick hair, was approached in one of her college classes by a fellow student who showed interest in dating her. Well, he eventually told her that she had the “right look” for him as an aspiring professional black man.
    I WISH I could say I was lying about this, but my cousin is a very quiet and shy young woman who couldn’t make this stuff up.
    So, from the perspective of a black woman who has heard stories from family and friends — including a grandmother — on all sides of the color spectrum about skin color affecting their perceived value as a mate, it is not much of a stretch for me to speculate that this man who pursued Martine would have preferred to marry a white woman based on his dating history. BUT, if he has grown up in a community that has a strong sense of ethnic pride and frowns on people outright shunning the opposite gender of their own race in favor of someone white, he probably knows he can cut down on the negative comments by marrying someone who is mixed race and would be seen as a black woman.
     
    And like M said, this is not a black only thing… I’ve heard people from a variety of minority groups express similar situations that go on in their communities.
     
     

  15. 106
    Karl R

    SS said: (#110)
    “So let me respond to Karl, about one year later… if he even remembers or cares about this question!”

    I think I was on hiaitus when you (and m) responded, but fortunately I stumbled across the thread again.

    Contrary to m’s belief, I wasn’t incredulous about the existence of the phenomenon. I’ve witnessed it firsthand (in a workplace that was sufficiently mixed-race that there was no majority). I was pointing out that the community has some serious issues with racism.

    I live in the bible belt. There’s a married couple in their 70’s who belong to our church and have been devoted and loyal members of our church since the first moved to the city. They struck me as being a little unusual for the church … quite conservative compared to other members, but utterly dedicated in their support of the church.

    They joined the church as a young married couple. A mixed-race couple in the pre-civil rights era. Our church was the one church that accepted them unconditionally. It was their refuge in a city that was mostly hostile to what they represented.

    Decades later, almost every white church in the city would respect them for what they are: unsung heroes of the civil rights struggle. (Just two out of tens of thousands, but you get my point.) However, a mixed-race couple in a minority community risks being ostracized (with one branded as a traitor) for exercising the same rights that the same community was willing to march and die to gain.

    It’s kind of depressing if you think it all the way through. Why haven’t people come further in the last 55 years?

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