How Long Should I Wait for Chemistry to Develop?

How Long Should I Wait for Chemistry to Develop?

Dear Evan,

I have read through over 40 pages of archives from your blog, and I can’t find the answer to this one. I’ve been dating a guy (for a month). He really likes me a lot and has been clear about that. And he is great: cute, smart, successful, shares my religion and interests, we both value family a lot, and he is treating me like gold. Doing everything you say a “boyfriend” should. Texting, calling when he says he will. Wanting to see me. Hell, he even texts when he is running late. From what I am reading in your blog, I’m supposed to be happy with this guy. You want me to realize how great he is.

But I feel like I should look forward to seeing him more. I just feel so blah about the whole thing. Like the idea of him is better than the actual person. But he has all these great qualities. I should point out that I’m young (25) and attractive. I just feel like everything in your blog tells me to keep seeing this guy. Where is the line? Because part of me wants to give it time knowing he’s a good one, and part of me says if all I can say in this email is that he’s “great” but I can’t talk about how I actually feel about him…what’s the point? –TJ

Dear TJ,

Thanks for the important question, and for giving me a platform to clear up some misconceptions about what I teach.

For those of you who are new to this blog, one of my pet topics is the concept that chemistry is all too often an illusion. Of course, it’s still a wonderful feeling, but life experience and science have taught us a few things about chemistry.

Chemistry allows us to sweep under the rug the fact that he’s a selfish asshole or that she’s a crazy bitch.

1) Chemistry is temporary. Usually, chemistry lasts from 1 ½ to 3 years before it wears off. Soon, the person who was the “9” becomes a “6”. At this point, many women become disillusioned with their partners, even though all it means is that you’re finally seeing him clearly.

2) Chemistry is dangerous. When you’re under the influence of chemistry, you are under the influence of hormones that act like drugs. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, high highs, low lows, the feeling of obsessive longing…it’s all quite unhealthy. And what most of us have discovered is that because of the intensity of these feelings, you may completely end up ignoring your partner’s bad qualities.

Chemistry allows us to sweep under the rug the fact that he’s a selfish asshole or that she’s a crazy bitch…and later justify this behavior and fight to stay in broken relationships that make us unhappy.

This is why I have long advocated putting compatibility up on the same pedestal as chemistry, and perhaps elevate it even higher.

Simply put:

A relationship with a 7 chemistry and a 10 compatibility is a happy marriage.

A relationship with a 10 chemistry and a 3 compatibility is going to make you miserable.

Now, where readers have twisted my words – annoyingly, repeatedly – is by suggesting that I’ve somehow told you to give up on chemistry.

Feel free to comb through 800 blog posts and 41,000 comments over six years. I have never said this – or even suggested it. Never.

Yet somehow, many readers seem to struggle with the concept of a nuanced world, instead of a black and white one where a man is either your instant soulmate or a complete turnoff.

Which brings us back to TJ, our original poster:

You’ve got a guy who seems like a great guy and is doing everything right on paper. You think my advice is telling you to keep him when you don’t want to keep him.

Not true.

You need to have a personal chemistry with your partner. You need to fundamentally enjoy being together. You need to feel like you can relax around him and be your best self.

If you’re merely tolerating him, rather than enjoying him, you’re wasting both his time and your time. Dump him and move on.

Similarly, if there’s no physical chemistry – meaning, anything less than a 5 or a 6 in that department – cut him loose.

You shouldn’t need to get drunk to kiss him. You shouldn’t force yourself into believing that he’s cute because he’s nice. You need to have some spark to start – and that spark usually grows over time after you come to love the guy.

So those are two reasons – lack of a basic personal and physical chemistry – that you should break up with a perfectly nice person.

Yet there’s one big reason to keep a guy you’re not obsessed with:

If you’re merely tolerating him, rather than enjoying him, you’re wasting both his time and your time.

Your expectations of chemistry are way off.

In other words, you can have an amazing marriage to a man even if you don’t obsess about him, miss him mournfully while he’s gone for a few hours, or be positive he’s your soulmate.

That stuff means nothing. It wears off. It’s distracting.

Relevant story: I was with my wife for nearly 2 years when we got married. If she sadly left me at the altar, I’d be devastated, but I would have recovered. After all, I saw her 3 times a week. We didn’t live together. I’d survived happily for 36 years without her; I would have been able to put things back together in due time.

4 years and 2 kids later, my love for my wife is so much deeper and meaningful. Frankly, I have trouble surviving a few days without her. I’d be 100% lost if she were to leave. THIS is love. That passion most couples feel for the first 18 months? It’s closer to obsession, hope and fantasy. Reality is when the passion fades and you start building a life together.

So what are you to do, TJ? Since you seem pretty ambivalent about him and you’re pretty young, it seems to me you have your answer.

It’s far better to be single than to be in a dissatisfying relationship.

Still, that goes for someone at any age.

My 62-year-old mom married a man who was kind and generous to the core, but she wasn’t attracted to him, didn’t respect him, and didn’t laugh with him. She married him just because he was a good person. The marriage lasted less than two years. As much as I stress comfort, some marriages should never happen at all.

I hope this clarifies – for all of you – what you should and should not experience with a romantic partner: a basic level of personal and physical chemistry, a realistic view on that person’s strengths and weaknesses, and a belief that although you’ve been more wildly attracted to other people before, you’ve never had a better relationship in your entire life. That’s why you lock it in.

That’s what I did.

I only hope you can experience this feeling as well; but it starts with finding someone whose company you really enjoy, not someone whose company you merely tolerate.

2
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Comments:

  1. 1
    Jenna

    This is a great post that clarifies an issue that I had also wondered about. You hear so many people who think women are supposed to be in a relationship with someone just because they’re nice to you and are commitment minded. Well yes, those are non-negotiables, but it’s a little more complicated than that. If you are looking for someone to spend your life with, you damn well need to enjoy their company day after day. They don’t need to be good looking, but you need to feel happy with their face, and their touch. They should add to your life. If you can’t find that, it’s better to be single. In this case, I’d still give the guy a little longer than a month to make sure – it doesn’t sound like you think he’s awful, just ok.

  2. 2
    Henriette

    I love this post, Evan.  I hope your readers finally understand that you’re  pushing for a healthy balance between compatability and chemistry, rather than weighting either one too heavily. 
     
    I’m friends with a guy who will not recognise any feeling as love unless it resembled the lyrics of a tortured Leonard Cohen or Tracy Chapman song.  In his late 40s, he’ll only acknowledge having loved one of his many girlfriends and that was a relatively short-lived, roller coaster relationship.  Unless he changes his thinking, I really do wonder (doubt) if he’ll ever find a loving, happy, long-term relationship.

    1. 2.1
      Chris

      Henriette’s answer rings such a bell.   My man insists that he’s not “in love” with me because he wasn’t instantaneously overwhelmed by a feeling that he would die for me.  Really.  If this was all I knew of him, I’d probably run screaming from the room. 

      We are not young (he’s 63 and I am 51) or inexperienced.  And, I do love him.  We were introduced, which is a good thing because I probably would have steered away from him online (the age alone would have put him out of my consideration), and have been together for 2.5 years.    

      He is by far the best man I have ever been with.  He is considerate, generous, funny, smart, grounded, nurturing, supportive, protective, dependable, steady, he does what he says he will, he never leaves me hanging …. I could go on.  He may not be the best at facing issues, but when something comes up and I am able to express my feelings in a non-blaming way, I get exactly the outcome I’m hoping for.  We are compatible – similar values, interests and outlook.  We enjoy each other and being together is easy.  And, love or no love, there is plenty of chemistry.  

      But – he doesn’t love me.  He warns me away from getting too attached to him.  And he feels the need to periodically remind me that I will get hurt.  I have plenty of experience with NOT hearing what men are saying and ignoring how they show that they really are not into me or the relationship.  

      What confuses the heck out of me is that his actions consistently indicate that maintaining a good relationship with me IS important to him.  That he wants me to be happy.  I choose to be with him because I am happy & I feel good being with him.  It’s a conscious choice and I actively make it.  

  3. 3
    marymary

    TJ
    Are you someone who is very romantic, or even likes drama? That can make it hard to like someone “normal”.  How is the rest of your life? If you’re happy with your job, friends, home, you may more readily accept a “normal” relationship rather than hold out for the extraordinary.  All that said, if you just don’t like him, you don’t like him and a month is long enough to call it. And if the issue IS more deep-seated than that, you should probably address it on your own, on your time rather than his. 
    I don’t value chemistry very much myself, having had it blow up on me like a horrible lab experiment, but even jaded old me looks forward to seeing my boyfriend and we have a lot of fun together. Otherwise, like you say, what’s the point? 

  4. 4
    John

    To the OP- This guy sounds like a good catch and you might  throw him back in the water. Someone else will snap him up though. But it would be a riot if 20 years from now you write to Evan again asking how come you can’t meet a good guy.

  5. 5
    starthrower68

    John, this might be a newsflash but just because there isn’t chemistry doesn’t mean she’s clueless or holding out for over-the-top chemistry.  Just because he’s nice doesn’t mean she should be with him.  She had the self-awareness to ask the question to someone that could give her an objective point of view.  So you have kept women who were perfectly nice women who would be great gf’s but you had no chemistry for?  Have you done that?  

  6. 6
    sarahrahrah!

    Great question and advice.
     
    I have to totally agree and now feel like I’m not being “too picky” at this point in my life.  I recently spent some time with a close sibling and we both agreed that we are quirky people and not everybody gets us.  We’re well-read and tend to get philosophical about life, yet we’re also athletic.  We both have found that we can meet people who share one facet of ourselves with us, but either don’t relate to or reject another part.  I think it’s important to find someone who appreciates, likes and relates to you and vice versa.
     
    I have the embarrassing distinction on this blog of being married not once but twice.  I sincerely would have liked for my marriages tohave worked and have desired to be in a long term relationship.  However, having been through two long term committed relationships that were mostly unhappy, I’ll take being alone over being stuck with someone I’m not compatible with.  Trust me, it is a lot worse than just being with *anyone* else – @John – #4  @EMK – I’m sorry your mom went through that.
     
    Something else worth considering for this poster as well as other women and men who find themselves struggling with getting excited about people they are dating:  it might not be the lack of eligible (and desirable) partners so much as low level depression or dysthimia on the individual’s part.  I was speaking with a therapist the other day who said that depression isn’t so much grief as it is a deadness of feeling.  After going through my last divorce, I found that I was in that place as a means of coping.  I had to pry off the lid I’d put on my emotions just to be able to start enjoying life again.  When I did, I was also attracted to more people than I had been before.  My point is that while you need to find the right person for you, you also need to be the best person you can be, in order to find love.  (I’m still working on that, ftr.)
     
     

  7. 8
    John

    Starthrower @5
    I didnt say she was clueless. I didnt say she should hold out. I just said it would be a riot if she wrote back a long time from now asking about something she cant find that at one point she already had. Not sure where you anger is coming from.
    As for you sarcastic question did I ever hold out for chemistry I will answer it this way: Anytime i met a girl that had the qualities the OP described ( cute, smart, successful, shares my religion and interests, we both value family a lot, and he is treating me like gold)  I did not thow them back. I have never not felt chemistry with someone who had those qualities.
    That is a combination of traits that if you cant find happiness with that, then you are holding out for a unicorn. Would be like holding a 20 in blackjack and instead of holding, you hit in hopes of an ace. And it would be like holding a 20, hitting and then losing and then writing in “how come I cant win at blackjack”? That was the irony I was referring to.  Get it?

    1. 8.1
      JoG

      I can understand where you are coming from, John; I just disagree.
      I love many of my male friends for the values / traits that are mentioned here but it doesn’t mean I want to be with them romantically.  I can’t explain why, it’s just that the FEELING is not there.  Does that mean I’m holding out for a unicorn when it comes to dating?  I don’t think so. 
      I think it’s about acknowledging that there is more to compatibility than simply sharing values etc.  It’s great that you found chemistry with those that you found had those qualities but where are they now? I think we have to listen to our gut instinct in the early stages, in order to fend off difficulties later on.  Gut instinct, for me, is something I have come to rely on.  Too many times I have tried to convince myself that I should go out with the nice guy who appears to be everything I could wish for.  My gut, however, says otherwise and I’ve always gone with it.
      If the pull isn’t there, at best you’d be looking at ending up with a friend and at worst, settling and feeling resentful.

  8. 9
    Karl R

    TJ said: (original post)
    “I just feel so blah about the whole thing.”
     
    If spending time with a person is less interesting than spending it alone, you’re not a good match for each other.
     
    It sounds like he may make a terrific husband … for someone else.

  9. 10
    david

    There were women I went out with 1X, 2X, even 3X, who were great on paper, cute enough, but like you, I couldn’t shake the feeling of the ‘Blahs’ — Been there, dated that… now that I’m in a 9 month relationship (and she’s about to move in), you need a spark of something….of course, you don’t need explosive fireworks, but you need SOMETHING…. dump him, move on. You are 25 — the world is your Guy Oyster. You could date a 23 year old, you could date a 40 year old. Yes, he’s a nice guy, but not right for you…

  10. 11
    Goldie

    #9: “If spending time with a person is less interesting than spending it alone, you’re not a good match for each other.”
     
    What Karl said.
     
    Also, texting when you’re running late is considered something out of the ordinary these days? What’d I miss? Everyone I’ve dated has done it (including some real scumbags) — not to say that the OP’s man isn’t awesome in every regard, it just isn’t a big deal to me and doesn’t sound like an indicator of a great future together — “oh, I feel so blah, but he texts when he’s running late — guess I’ll have to keep this one!” lol, no, you don’t have to.

  11. 12
    cindym7878

    Thank you TJ for writing and Evan for choosing her letter to respond to. I am a 50 yr old, happily single woman, who has been told several times that I am too picky. So with the last man I had dated, I tried real hard to give the chemistry a chance to develop and it just never happened. He seemed to be the perfect guy for me! Yet I just didn’t share in his excitement for the relationship.
    I have been following your blog for years Evan and you are so wise and helpful!  I truly get what you mean about the balance of a spark and a good man. I would much rather be happy on my own and patiently wait for that awesome guy for me, than settle for a ho hum relationship. 
    I love this quote: “If spending time with a person is less interesting than spending it alone, you are not a good match for each other.”  That is exactly how I felt with this guy! TJ move on…you will find the right guy, with the right balance of good character and chemistry!

  12. 13
    Amy

    EMK, Great post, thanks got clarifying. Up to now I’ve thought that you down-played chemistry too much, but now I see both sides. I think most people should feel some kind of spark by the 3rd date or so. I’ve been out with several guys who didn’t ask me out a 2nd time because they expected to feel the chemistry immediately. If they had given it (me) more of a chance, something may have developed. My sister pointed out that since in most cases, the guy arranges and pays for the first few dates, he may not be willing to keep investing his time and money if he doesn’t feel intense chemistry right off the bat. A conundrum for sure.

  13. 14
    Angie

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love
     
    TJ,  I recently read about Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. It’s basically exactly what Evan told you.  If you aren’t attracted, you aren’t attracted and I don’t think this will increase over time.  Also, the guy professing how much he likes you when you are so ambivalent comes as a turnoff for me.  (This is different when both people are super-duper sparks flying) BUT when only he is, it often just makes me feel like I’m being pushed into liking someone.
     
    Also, 25 is one of those borderline ages, where some of your friends may be married/engaged, and for the first time, you feel that social pressure that you too need to figure this aspect of your life out where 4 or 5 years ago, marriage wasn’t even a thought.

  14. 15
    Sparkling Emerald

    Great article !
    John 4 & 8, you might not have called TJ clueless, but by saying it would be “a riot” if she is still alone 20 years from now, shows some level of hostility for her, merely for not being attracted someone. You are basically wishing her a life time of loneliness for not feeling something you think she should feel.
    It’s great that you have been attracted to every gal who had the laundry list of qualities,  but not everyone feels chemistry for every good guy or good gal that crosses their path.  It doesn’t mean they are holding out for a unicorn, just holding out for someone they feel some degree of attraction for.
    I have met “good guys” and have not felt the spark.  I do us both a favor and move on.  No point in wasting both of our times.  I have felt spark for “good guys” but discover something that makes us fundamentally incompatible, so again I move on.  I have felt  the spark for bad boys and that’s when I run for the hills. There was one “good guy” I felt zero spark for, so I did the right thing and decided to not waste any of our time.  A few e-mails later when he tried to guilt me into changing his mind, I realized he wasn’t really such a nice guy after all !  (He kept telling me that “I didn’t know what I wanted”.)  Actually I do know what I want and it wasn’t him.  I found it incredibly arrogant for him to presume that I just must be some poor confused woman who doesn’t know what she wants, just because I didn’t want HIM)  Oh yes, I have met good guys that I’ve been attracted too, thought we would be a good match, etc. and they thought I was a great gal, but they just didn’t feel the spark for me.  :(.  Doesn’t make him a jerk, doesn’t make me a loser, just means it’s time to move on.  EMK is right, chemistry and compatibility must BOTH be there. 
    I’ve stopped taking it personally (or beating myself up for note feeling what I “should” feel for “good guys”) because I really believe that we don’t choose who we are attracted to.  Our brain chemistry does that for us.  We can choose whom we get involved with though.  And I would choose to get involved with someone who I felt zero attraction for, nor would I choose to get involved with someone who made my spine tingle, but either was incompatible or a bad boy.

  15. 16
    Sparkling Emerald

    Last sentence should read, “And I would NOT choose to get involved . . .”

  16. 17
    Dean

    SparklingEmerald, Starthrower
     
    Both of you state with a sense of bravado that you have not been attracted to quite a few “good guys”. I can understand maybe one or possibly 2 people with the great qualities TJs boyfriend had that you did not feel chemistry. But for you, its time and time again the same thing happens.  The way you carry on, you make it seem like there are a stream of those types combined between the both of you. And you come across like its a badge of honor to have been able to dump them. Whenever a woman says things like “I am just not feeling it with so many of these great guys” and it happens a bunch of times as in your cases, I doubt that was the case at all. My bet is that these guys weren’t feeling it for you and you are rewritng history to make yourselves feel better.
     
     
     
     

  17. 18
    Allison

    Great post, thanks Evan.  I have stayed too long with too many guys I had too little personal chemistry with– I would finally break up with them when I realized I was just tolerating them and finding it annoying to make time to be with them.  And for me, personal chemistry is extremely related to physical chemistry, so I guess we didn’t have that either :)

  18. 19
    Jessica

    I don’t see anywhere in the question that mentions there is a lack of physical chemistry/attraction. She calls him cute. It sounds more like a compatibility/personality “chemistry” issue. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

  19. 20
    Anna

     
     
    Ten years of chemistry and still going strong.   I need the heat, the passion, the sexual thrill and the Wow, and I still got it.  All this, and two highly educated, compassionate people as well.  No, chemistry is NOT temproary for all…

    1. 20.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “Anna”, you and your partner are the greatest people on the planet. I’m so happy for you and impressed that your white-hot chemistry is still going strong ten years later. But since I’M the one giving advice here, I have to remind you – again – that, if you’re telling the truth, you are the EXCEPTION, not the rule. And telling people to hold out for lifelong white-hot chemistry is like telling people that they should only take jobs if they work 10 hours a week and make a million a year. Yes, SOMEBODY does that, but that person is the EXCEPTION.

      And just out of curiosity, why is someone who is in an incredible relationship like yours messing around on my site?

  20. 21
    Anna

     
     
    Pardon…”temporary”

  21. 22
    Kathleen

    Great article Evan Just broke off a relationship with a guy whom I had great chemistry with, he was a great boyfriend but long term I didn’t see close compatibility. 
    Im keeping this article in mind going forward to maintain some balance.  

  22. 23
    Suzanne

    Dean #17
    Whenever a woman says things like “I am just not feeling it with so many of these great guys” and it happens a bunch of times as in your cases, I doubt that was the case at all. My bet is that these guys weren’t feeling it for you and you are rewritng history to make yourselves feel better.
     
    I tend to agree. When it becomes a pattern that the same girl constantly blows off a cute guy that treats her like gold, then something seems fishy to me.
     Goldie #11
    Also, texting when you’re running late is considered something out of the ordinary these days? What’d I miss?
     
    Very funny. I guess I mus thave missed the same thing you did!

     

  23. 24
    starthrower68

    Dean, I don’t know who you’re speaking about.  I haven’t dated in several months.  The relationship I was in ended because he refused to communicate.  At that point, there was little I could do to continue a relationship.  I overlooked surface things about him that he said other women did not.  So perhaps you are thinking of someone else.  I haven’t dated enough to even refuse nice guys as I have not made it a priority.  Of course I’m sure you will believe I deserve that.

  24. 25
    Sparkling Emerald

    Dean 17
    SparklingEmerald, Starthrower
     

    Both of you state with a sense of bravado that you have not been attracted to quite a few “good guys”. I can understand maybe one or possibly 2 people with the great qualities TJs boyfriend had that you did not feel chemistry. But for you, its time and time again the same thing happens.   . .
     
    I did not say “quite a few”, but I am 58 years old so . . . I have also stated that I have been attracted to good guys who have not been attracted back. I also said that sometimes a major incompatiblity would be there.  I also met one guy who was very nice, I wasn’t attracted to him, but even if I WAS, he was Catholic, very serious about it and wanted a big family.  He was willing to accept as many children as “God would bless him with” and was hoping that he would be blessed with at least FIVE children.  I was very RELIEVED to have not felt the chemistry, because I am not Catholic and I would not leave the size of my family to fate.  I do hope he has found someone special to start a family with, because AFAIK he would be a great husband and father, just not for me.
    I know it hard to detect emotion on a message board, but there is no “Bravado” here. So yes, I have dated many men that didn’t work out for VARIOUS reasons, it has NOT always been a case of me throwing “nice guys” back.  Sometimes I was the one thrown back.  Sometimes we BOTH lost interest early on. In approx 12 years of dating, (my guesstimate of dating from age 16 to present, minus the years I was married) I don’t think it’s that unusual to have had several relationships that didn’t work out for one reason or another.  EMK dated over 500 women before he met the woman of his dreams.  I feel like a rookie compared to him :)
     

  25. 26
    Sparkling Emerald

    Dean – Just noticed that last bit of snark in your paragraph,(17) about it being a “badge of honor” to dump guys and that we must be lying and it’s really us getting dumped.  First off, not a “badge of honor,”  I never enjoy rejecting someone.  I also freely admitted that I have been dumped by good guys. I even put a little frowny face after that.   I’ve noticed at least one male stated that he has dumped nice cute women ‘cuz he wasn’t feeling it, and EMK admits to dating over 500 women.  (don’t know what his ratio of being dumped, to doing the dumping and mutually not working out is, )but with 500 women, surely SOME of them were nice, but he made the decision to not see them any more. I am wondering why you are so determined to blame women and make them wrong or dishonest, when men experience the same COMMON issues in dating as we do.  Not being able to find someone with whom there is MUTUAL attraction and compatibility.
     

  26. 27
    Sparkling Emerald

    General thought to everyone -  If everyone could feel that magical spark for EVERY single nice person who crossed their path, can you imagine how difficult monogamy would be ? Maybe there is something built into us, to prevent us from getting that spine tingling sensation for every nice person we meet. 

  27. 28
    David T

     
    Evan said: It’s far better to be single than to be in a dissatisfying relationship.
     
     
    Very true. The most lonely I have ever felt was in my home with my now ex-wife.  Single is lonely too, but not painfully.
     
     
     
     
     
    Chemistry: I learned that it takes more than kindness and compatibility to make a relationship work. In the last year or so I have been on many dates with a dozenish different women. I enjoyed time with all, but I rarely felt much *draw*, often giving it a few dates to feel something. After two recent dating  partners  I realized something about chemistry and compatibility.
     
     
    With one, I turned away from a fun woman with great conversational chemistry. We  spent a lot of time together. Towards the end of the first month her  physical touch creeped me out (that was a new one for me). She wasn’t  repulsive, and I believe my discomfort was knowing subconsciously this person wasn’t right for me for reasons that became obvious over the following week.
     
     
    The other woman was quite attractive, significantly younger (important  since I had wanted the option of more children) very kind, sweet and really had her life together.  She also clearly communicated I was wanted and we had a very fun back and forth. We were very responsive to each other  (I told her she had mad dating skillz :) ).  The passion never built far. I think it was because some of her values were not in synch with mine. All I know for sure is what I felt.  After two months, I pulled the plug.
     
     
    One thing I learned this year is a near truism:  both have to be ready for a relationship for  it to take. Any factor  that creates emotional unavailability in either (depression, fear of commitment, an unsettled life, qualities in the other person that don’t add up, etc.) are death to a new relationship. Theincompatibilities that doomed my two examples rendered me emotionally unavailable on a deep level to either of them. This manifested for me with broken chemistry on my side.

     
     
    I now believe chemistry and attraction are tied to what we know on some  level about a person’s suitability as a partner and plain ol’ feeling horny. I am beginning to doubt that there is anything else to it.
     
     
     
    Patterns: @Dean, Starthrower, Emerald and anyone else who piled in
     
     
    Post17 was deliberately snarky, but was making a valid point until the last sentence.  If a pattern keeps repeating then ask what is the common factor.  I know my failure to feel any kind of lasting attraction (or ANY attraction to several physically and ‘on paper’ attractive women) was something in me rather than them.  Dean, it is a badge of honor to walk away from someone that has much of what you want if you know it won’t work.
     
     
     
    I still want a relationship and maybe have a family again. After journaling and soul searching during December and understanding better some things about myself I know I am not available to anyone new. I pulled the plug on dating instead of wasting my and their  energy, time and hopes. I focus on happiness with the other parts of my life. I won’t try to force myself to be ready and I accept that the relationship part of my life might be over for good.  I am sad about that, but it is not the end of the world.

     
     
    I have my friends, my son and will keep developing other parts of my life. I will enjoy and see where my journey takes me. I stopped beating my head against a wall: that made me frustrated and unhappy. Relationship availability will come or it won’t, and I am happy with what comes my way regardless.
     
     

  28. 29
    justme

    Very Profound David T!  Added Bonus: gave me insight into a situation in my own life.  Thank you

  29. 30
    Ruby

    David T #29
     
    You say that on some level you knew that the two women you dated weren’t right for you, but you also say that you realize that you are emotionally unavailable, and that the problem was within you, rather than them? Sounds like you are saying two different things…?

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