What Makes a Man Attractive to Women?

What Makes a Man Attractive to Women?

Let’s just say that if I could bottle and sell this, I’d be one rich dude.

All the men in the pick-up artist (PUA) community have tried to turn it into a science. Depending on whether you’re reading David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss’ The Game, or The Mystery Method, you’re going to hear various versions of the same themes. You have to be cocky. You have to have a sense of humor. You have to keep her off-balance by putting her down and showing her you’re in control. This blog post isn’t about arguing these points, although I think there’s definitely something to the first two.

But one thing I rarely hear from men who advise men is something I hear all the time from women.

Show me a man who is PASSIONATE and PROFICIENT at what he does.

Those are two separate ideas, so let’s not conflate them.

Passion is all about effort and energy and devotion. It’s about living, breathing, and embodying something. It’s about being so immersed in a subject that one can’t tell where it begins and you end.

A writer who comes home from his day job to squeeze in two hours of creative thought before meeting his girlfriend for dinner? Passionate.

A swimmer who wakes up at 5:30am every day to train for the Olympics? Passionate

Those weird kids that memorize the dictionary for the national spelling bee? Passionate

The flip side of the passion coin are people who are truly gifted but squander their gifts due to indifference, fear, or laziness. For example:

The musician who wants to be in a band, but refuses to answer ads to audition.

The entrepreneur who has an amazing business idea but won’t share his idea to begin developing it.

The woman who would love to be a party planner but won’t apprentice on the side to learn the craft.

Notice the word “but” in each sentence. “But” is merely an excuse that we believe is reasonable. When you remove the “but,” no excuse is reasonable. Unreasonable people are the one who move mountains.

Reasonable people can always find a reason to say “why not.” Such people don’t command respect.

Passionate people do.

Except in one instance. There’s a type of passionate person who, despite their love and drive, fails to inspire others around them. This is the passionate person who’s not very skilled.

Hate to say it, but just ‘cause you love doing something doesn’t mean you’re good at it…. Los Angeles is filled with actors, writers, and musicians who are passionate but not particularly gifted. I remember meeting a 40ish woman who still thought she was going to be the next Julia Roberts. I recall an incomprehensible short story that a friend was trying to submit to Playboy. Lack of talent is not a crime, but rarely is it attractive. Lots of quality individuals have dreams that exceed their talents.

So what we’re left with is this basic formula:

Passionate + Bad = Delusional and Sad

Dispassionate + Good = Boring and Disappointing

Passionate + Proficient = Sexy and Inspiring

Ask women (and I have) what is it about a rock star that really gets them? It’s that combination of passion and proficiency. It’s the confidence exuded by someone who gets up on stage and performs, knowing that he can successfully entertain a crowd. Rock stars and athletes are just the most visible entertainers we have. But look around at people you find attractive in day to day life.

The guy who plays guitar at campfires.

The woman who gets the crowd on its feet on karaoke night.

The guy who can rewire the TV to have stereo sound.

The woman who can whip up a Thanksgiving dinner to remember.

You can talk all you want about tall, rich, cocky guys with big egos and fast cars.

But people who love what they do and are good at it are always attractive to women.

Join our conversation (38 Comments).
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  1. 31
    Karl R

    Brent, (#30)
    Thank you for serving as the bad example.
    There are a few women who have been posting on the blog regularly who make the following complaints/comments.
    1. Evan’s tells women to change in order to get better results.
    2. Women get confusing mixed messages about dating/relationships.
    3. Women should just forget men and enjoy their freedom.
    If you find yourself agreeing with those women, look carefully at what Brent said.
    Brent (#30) makes all of the same arguments, but he makes them for men instead.
    Does Brent sound like he’s happily enjoying his freedom from women? Of course not. If he were happily enjoying his freedom, he wouldn’t be here telling us how Evan’s advice is wrong.
    Based on his own statements, women aren’t particularly attracted to Brent, and he is frustrated by that. But, he doesn’t want advice on how he can change in order to improve his success. Instead, Brent wants Evan to tell women how they should change so Brent can become more attractive to women.
    How many of you feel motivated to change your behavior just so Brent can become more successful at dating? Most of you are barely willing to change your behavior in order to make yourself more successful. None of you are willing to change in order to make Brent more successful.
    If Brent wants to be more successful, he can change himself. Or he can stay single (which many of you may see as the better option for women in general).
    So if you complain that men aren’t told to change in ways to make dating more successful for you, why would men feel any more motivated to change for you than you are to change for Brent?
    Do you think men should change for you because you’re a good person? Brent sees himself as a good person. (He clearly doesn’t identify himself as a “bad boy”, even though he believes women like bad boys better than him.) Based on his attitude, do you feel that he’s a good person?
    If Evan can’t even convince Brent to change in order to make Brent’s dating life better, he’s certainly not going to convince you to change in order to make Brent’s dating life better. And if Evan can’t convince you to change in order to make your dating life better, he’s certainly not going to be able to convince men to change in order to make your dating life better.
    Brent asked: (#30)
    “How many look at all the mixed messages and advice in weight lifting, diets, blah blah blah and are more confused as ever?”
    I’m confused as to where you found anyone (besides yourself) talking about dieting and weight lifting in this thread.
    Brent asked: (#30)
    “This advice bullshit is exactly that.”
    Evan’s advice:
    1. Find some interest that you are passionate about.
    2. Become skilled at it.
    I’d recommend people follow that advice just to enjoy their lives more. You find it to be “bullshit”. Did you have something better to do with your time?

  2. 32
    Gender Envoy

    The Mystery Method? That’s so 2007.
    PUA culture has moved away from indirect methods towards the more common sense methods of Sasha Daygame or Mode One in recent years.

  3. 33

    Great looks come first: A man needs to have a convetionally handsome face, good face/head structure. A man must be tall and have a great physique: Not skinny, or chubby but not too muscular either..a nice fit broan and lean physique.

    Then comes confidence..lots of it. The ever elusive charm, intellect and also being great in bed and rerably well endowed.  A man must also have a lot going in life. He has to be succesful and have a great lifestyle.
    In short we men have a very little room to have imperfections. We must be impressive in every aspect of life in order to be considered attractive by women. 

    I hope this didnt come across as judgemental or pointing fingers at women for being shallow. It is what is. Men and women are vastly different. Women are more selective and are meant to find very few men attractive. I can accept that.

    1. 33.1
      Tomas A

      @Tim (#33):
      I’d say the importance of looks vary from f**k all to “a part of the 200 piece puzzle.” I see couples where the guy is average at best and the girl is stunning all the time, and at the risk of sounding like a douche I get hit on left and right. That might not sound like much, until you learn that I’m a 320 lbs guy with more chins than a chinese phone book, and my face is nowhere near “conventionally handsome.” I get comments all the time about how I look like Chumlee from the TV show Pawn Stars, and I don’t think he belongs in the “conventionally handsome”-category. I’m tall, about 6’4″, but that’s about it. 
      I also didn’t get any attention from women until I started going out with the sole mission of having fun. I also have a real passion for singing, and I’m blessed with a really great voice (or so all my pro musician friends keep telling me), and when I worked up the courage to show that to people around me the snowball really started rolling. 
      I’ll agree that you need confidence, at least enough to stand up for yourself, believe in your own skills and use them to achieve something. When it comes to charm I’ll quote someone who commented on an online article about picking up women – “It’s a learned trait. Conscious or not, you learn it.” Of course there will be some variations, and things like personality type and the nack for picking up social skills might mean the difference between truly mastering the art of seduction and being a happy amateur, but I’d say most people can improve at least a bit.
      Intellect … As long as you’re smart enough to learn from your mistakes and not f**k up in normal social situations I’d say that’s enough. Also, a “great” intellect can often lead to analysis paralyzis, i.e. your intellect tells you that a specific approach “should” work and when you fail you either crack or keep refining a method that ultimately proves to be faulty because you perceive yourself as smart and therefor “should” be able to figure it out. 
      Great in bed? Yeah, but again – learning. “Well endowed” …? Really? Not stereotyping at all here, I see.
      “A lot” going on is fairly relative, but a man should definitely have a purpose in life and work toward it. Great lifestyle I’ll agree on. A man should have his sh*t together, and even if he’s not off to climb mountains in the weekends he should take care of himself both physically and spiritually.

  4. 34
    Beverlee Carrell

    I totally disagree with this information…….When I was in high school this applied.  Then hopefully your grow up and a man with manners that looks at your spirit as equal to his and keep his nose in his own business.  This is class and I am finding it sadly missing from the modern man.  Just simple manners are hard to find.  Of course women have decided to be rough and tough and mannerless also.  We all need a makeover.  The old style southern man had charm and class. Has it disappeared?


  5. 35

    After reading all the comments above, I realized one very important lesson: If you just be yourself, pursue your own hobbies, interests and passion without ever feeling the need to impress or attract anyone, life is so much simpler.

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